06x11 - Cat River Daze

[bunniefuu]

I don't know about these new Archie comics.

Jughead's eatin' veggie burgers to lower his cholesterol.

You know, you kinda remind me of Jughead.

I'm nothin' like Jughead.

Well, I wouldn't wear that crown thing he's wearin'.

Who would I be? Big Moose?

Dilton Doiley.

And Lacey would be Pops 'cause she runs a soda shop.

Hardly.

C'mon, I'm like a combination of Veronica's uptown sophistication

and Betty's down home goodness.

So, you'd be like Bettonica. That'd be hot.

Hey, who'd Brent be?

Potsie.

That's Happy Days .

Yeah, it's a completely different comic book.

Oh, Jughead.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Have you heard about Dog River Days?

Uh, yeah. We were livin' here before you.

Who's Dilton Doiley? I wanna be the big, big moose.

Fine, you're the moose.

I heard that Dog River Days has been cancelled.

That stinks.

Fitzy says it loses money every year because there's no interest.

People have lost interest in Dog River Days.

Can you imagine?

Who's Moose's girlfriend? Madge? Midge.

She's hot.

Oh.

Oh, she's got nice hair.

Ooo, she's got real nice hair.

Oooo.

Okay, are you gonna buy that magazine

or are ya just gonna make Merv Griffin noises all day?

I'm thinkin' of softening up my cop look with some highlights. Whaddaya think?

I think it'd be a highlight if you bought somethin'.

Someone could trip on these.

You kick it, you bought it.

I-I almost slipped on those cans.

Wanda.

I already yelled at her.

No, pick up the cans.

Whose side are you on?

Look at what those stray cats do.

They plant flowers?

No. They run around in the dirt and poop everywhere.

[laughs]

Why are you laughing?

You said poop. [laughs]

Why don't ya catch it?

I'm allergic to cats.

Still? All right, I'll take care of it.

I'll need some rope, a burlap sack, and some rocks.

Don't k*ll it.

How'd you know I was gonna k*ll it?

Lucky guess. Just catch it.

So you want me to catch it, but keep it alive?

Yes.

A cat?

Hah. All right.

I'll need some string, a box, and cat poison.

Thank you, everyone,

for coming to the Save Dog River Days Committee.

Should someone take a roll call?

You're just being bureaucratic. Lacey, can I take minutes?

Our first order of business is--

I second that.

Every motion should have a second.

Don't be so formal. Chair recognizes Lacey.

Why are you the Chair?

We have to raise money so that we can save Dog River Days.

I got it! I propose a dunk t*nk.

I don't think that-- Second.

All in favour? Motion carried.

Move to adjourn. Second.

Motion carried.

I--

[moaning]

Hey, Brent.

Ow!

Have you seen my crossword?

Ow!

Maybe I left it in The Ruby.

Ow!

I can't concentrate with you moaning like that.

I stepped on one of these cans you neglected to stack

and I hurt myself.

[chuckles]

Nice try, Brent, but, uh, you're not much of an actor.

I mean oh sure, you know, you're an entertaining personality

with a certain likability, but not an actor.

I'm not faking. How could I fake this?

Ow, the pain.

Oh, okay.

Um, just-just hang on.

I'm gonna go get some help.

Now that was acting.

Here, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.

I got some food for you.

Gotcha! Hah!

So you're the one that's been messin' all over the garden.

[meows]

[meows]

You're just a cranky [meows]

Yeah. You kinda remind me of me.

Step aside for the Dunk Master.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I scored the t*nk. My t*nk, my dunk.

That's not fair.

How about I pick a number, you guys guess, closest one wins.

,.

.

It was .

Oh, man. I never win at this.

All right!

No, I'm fine, I'm good, I got it.

Please stay seated.

Where were ya?

I was at the doctor.

He said it was one of the worst can-related injuries he's ever seen.

Sorry? You say you injured your can?

My leg, on a can.

I said to the doctor, "It's a good thing I fell and not one of my customers."

He said, "I wouldn't blame you if you sued that employee."

And I said, "No, no, no.

"I'm sure she's feeling guilty and she's learned her lesson

and next time she won't ignore her boss's request."

The end. I hope.

Yeah, well, I'll just hobble over here.

Oh!

I thought ya hurt your other foot.

Yeah, well, they both hurt now.

The doctor said that could happen.

[chuckles]

I think I'll call you Mr. Mittens.

EMMA: Oscar!

[meows]

That's Emma. She wants me to k*ll ya.

But you seem like a, like a good guy.

So, you get outta here and don't come back.

Shoo! Shoo!

What happened? Did the cat run away?

Yeah, he-he got away and...

we'll never see him again.

Have you been choppin' onions?

What's the deal?

I think people are just intimidated to dunk me,

me bein' a cop and all.

I'm not.

[splash]

[gasps]

Oh, oh, it's cold. It's cold, it's cold.

Hank, you're in.

All right, lemme show ya how this is done.

Hank's in the dunk t*nk? Yeah. It's a buck a ball.

Here's a . Whoo.

WANDA: Hey, everybody, Hank's gettin' dunked!

That's no fair.

Heads up!

Whoo!

[cheering and applause]

What's going on?

The came back. I thought he was a gonner.

No, the cat came back.

Ah, he just couldn't stay away.

You got him in there, do ya?

Ya got him nice and tight

so he stays put.

Hate to have it open like this and him get away.

Ah, it'd be a shame to be-- Shoo, there! Scram!

Would you close that before the cat gets away.

Fine.

Good riddance, Mittens.

Mittens?

Yeah. He's probably got some stupid cat name

like Mittens or Buttons or... Boots.

Sorry I'm late.

I was taking care of some very important personal business.

You were outside dunkin' Hank.

Exactly. Important personal business.

Now that you're back, could you go clean the stockroom?

I'd help, but, ow.

I'm sorry.

I can't do anything while I'm this worried about your ankle.

I'm calling your doctor right away.

We don't need to do that! Ooo!

[crash]

Oh, geez, my leg!

Way to go. I just stacked those.

Ah, geez, my ankle!

Call Dr. Clarke!

Will do, right after I restack those cans.

Oh.

And here's a ticket for that noisy muffler.

Oh, and by the way, I'll be at the dunk t*nk later today.

Ah!

You'll get this back when you have kneepads that fit.

Oh, by the way, I'll be at the dunk t*nk later today.

[screeching tires]

Emma, here's a ticket for rolling that stop sign.

I haven't driven today.

You know you've done it before, probably.

Come on, we wanna dunk Davis!

Sorry, Hank.

But when ya got it, ya got it.

[cheering and applause]

Whoo, it's cold. It's cold.

Hi. I found this cat in someone's garden. Will you take him?

Oh, sure.

Oh, hello, Karen. Fancy bumpin' into you here.,

I saw you in my rear-view mirror. You followed me here.

I was just makin' sure you were doin' what you said you were gonna do.

Oh, just admit it. You love this cat.

I do not. I can't stand him.

I hate his little ears, yeah, and his little nose.

So, can ya keep him?

Well, he'll stay here for a week and if no one claims him,

he'll go to a better place.

I'll go get you some forms to sign.

Ooo, I don't think I like the sound of that.

Mittens is in the prime of his life. Can you keep him?

Emma's allergic. You keep him.

I can't. I don't have time to look after a cat.

Then you look into his little eyes and tell him that.

Mittens,

I have something to tell you.

You're living with me now.

Ha, ha, ha!

Buddy.

I'm all for you trying to save Dog River Days,

but I wonder if this isn't a bit much.

Oh, it's just a little somethin' to occupy the kids

while their parents are at the dunk t*nk.

C'mon everybody, bounce it.

Oh. Ooh.

Look, I'm sorry you fell.

And I'm sorry I kicked your ankle after you fell.

I thought you were still faking it at that point.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry I made you walk all the way to the car

and I'm sorry I tickled you while they were putting on the leg brace.

Wouldn't you have figured it out at that point? That is when I figured it out.

It seemed pretty elaborate with doctors and nurses.

And the swelling and the x-ray and the screaming and the sedative?

Anyway, I've been thinking that since you really are injured

and there is a lotta work to do around here

and I am partly responsible for this, that, well, maybe I should--

Bouncy Castle?

Almost had a moment there.

I wanna bounce. How much to bounce? I wanna bounce.

Sorry, Wanda. Kids only.

Oh. Well, still, really. It's not--

Hold my shoes!

Whoo!

Nice!

Aww.

Come here.

Here's your lunch.

I mashed your pain pills into your chili cheese dog.

I know how they make you gag.

Well, why can't I go outside with everyone else?,

When your leg stops hurting, then you go play.

Till then you need your rest.

Now, eat your medicine.

Feel better?

A little bit.

Who's a great cat? You are.

[meows]

You are.

I have to go back to work.

It's okay. I'll lock up.

Just don't break anything.

Bye, Buttons.

His name is Mittens.

Hey, everybody.

Remember when I, uh, took up the drums

and would only practise at night?

How about when I decided to start raising ferrets

and they all escaped?

Or, uh, when I convinced Fitzy to ban alcohol

on the May - weekend?

Ya got understand.

I built up too much ill will in this town.

I was born to annoy.

[cheering and applause]

Whoo! Ha-ha-haah!

Hi, Oscar.

Where were ya?

Just out and about.

Keepin' busy. Heh, heh.

Go, go, go. Do, do, do.

Anyway, I'm off to take a shower?

A shower now?

Yeah.

I didn't have one this morning. Thought I'd get it in now.

What's that on your neck?

Is that a scratch?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I slipped in the shower this morning.

I wasn't takin' a shower.

I-I just stepped in it and then slipped.

And I thought, "Screw this. No shower for me."

[nervous chuckle]

That makes sense, right?

Anyway, I'm off for a shower.

[sneezes]

Oh. Do you want colour? Yes.

Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Hello. Would you like to buy some--

Why do you have a tinfoil hat?

I'm highlighting my hair. This isn't really a good time.

Oh. I heard there was a cat lady on the street.

I am not a cat lady.

[meows]

Mittens, come back!

[meows]

Mittens! Mittens! I've lost my Mittens!

You're not supposed to have food in there.

Lighten up. It's kids and candy. They go together.

Can I have a bite? Get your own.

All right. You've left me with no other choice.

I'm gonna have to come in there and get you.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jeepers.

Just let me stand.

What? It's pretty hairy in there.

Have you seen my pants? What's this?

A piece a paper. So what?

It's a receipt for cat food. Why are you buying cat food?

Because I'm a senior. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?

You can do better than that.

All right.

The truth is, Brent likes to eat cat food

and he's not feelin' well, so I thought I'd treat him.

That makes sense, right?

Hey, how's it goin' out there? Sure looks like fun.

Is anyone askin' about me, wonderin' where I am?

No, not really. Everyone's havin' too much fun.

Not even in passing? Nobody said, "Boy, it would sure be great if Brent was here.

We suld take him some cotton candy."

Ooo, that's a good idea. I should get myself some cotton candy.

You find me annoying, right?

I do.

Thank you. As annoying as Hank?

That's pretty ambitious.

Hey, guys.

Just gettin' some water.

When you're in the dunk t*nk as long as I am,

it's important to stay hydrated.

Here ya go, buddy. Keep the change.

As you can see, he's kind of a natural.

If you're here, then it's dibs on the t*nk.

No, still my shift.

That musta been annoying.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It's Karen.

Karen. I told you not to call me here.

What if Emma answered the phone?

I would have hung up. Besides, I didn't know who else to call.

You sound upset. What is it?

Mittens escaped.

Now, now, don't worry. We'll find him.

Then we'll all be together again.

When are you gonna tell your wife?

She's not ready to know yet. If she found out, she'd lose it.

Mittens!

Who do ya wanna dunk, me or Hank?

We don't care. Someone just get up there.

I'm goin'.

Not before me you're not.

Get off me!

I'm the dunkable one!

Ow! Ah!

Let's just throw stuff at them.

I'll get some water balloons.

Why did you stop me from hammering in my planting rods?

I thought you were hammering a cat.

Ah, so you admit you have feelings for that cat?

It-it's complicated.

KAREN: [over PA] Emma, put down the shovel.

Step away from the shovel.

It's okay.

I like Mittens.

I've been goin' over to Karen's to visit him.

Why didn't you two take him to a pet shelter like you said you would?

We did. But if no one claims Mittens, he goes to a better place.

So?

How can you be so cruel?

EMMA: This is A Better Place.

It's cat farm.

You'd think they could have explained that a little better

when we were there.

Well, Mittens, here's your new home. [meowing]

Well, what are you starin' at? Go on with ya.

[meows]

I never liked ya in the first place.

Now go.

[meows]

Is there an onion farm around here?

Get outta there. Brent needs you.

If it's about the keys, here. You can give them to him.

No, you come out. Wait. You have keys in there?

No, no, you can't have keys in there.

Geez, relax with the rules.

No candy, no keys.

No! [pop]

[air whooshing]

Oh, okay.

Now the key thing makes sense.

Ow!

Hey!

Come on, now. This is starting to get annoying.

Yeah. Knock it off. We're gettin' wet.

Well, we need someone to dunk.

Step right up, folks, and dunk the annoying

gas station attendant who thinks she doesn't need

to do what she's told.

Comin' through, comin' through.

Outta the way, Freckles. I'm up first.

Okay, now look. In my defence--

Ah!

[cheering and applause]

Whoo!

I'll take more balls.

Jeepers. Sittin' in that dunk t*nk sure made me hungry.

Take it easy on those burgers, JugHank.

Hey, g*ng.

Great news. It looks like we raised enough money

to have Dog River Days next month.

But Bettonica, we just had Dog River Days.

[giggles] Oh, Brentchie.

That wasn't Dog River Days, that was just a parking lot fair.

I'm all faired out.

You said it, Widge.

Right on, Dilton.

Moose.

Well, gosh.

What are we gonna do with all that money we raised?

Why don't we throw a dance?

Can we hire a band?

Why don't we ask Craig Northey, from the rock 'n' roll group the Odds?

Sounds fun.

We were looking for a place to practise anyway.

[upbeat, pop music]

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know, I just don't know ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪ ♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪

♪ Full of nothing but space ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪

♪ And it's my happy place-- ♪

What the hell was that?

Better lay off the pain pills for a while.

[theme with upbeat, pop music]

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-ooo-oo ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ Potato chips, Our favourite dip ♪

♪ Party people are no longer in the house ♪