06x13 - TV Free Dog River

[bunniefuu]

Hey, I'm Tricycle Bob.

I'm gonna ride this trike down a hill and jump off a ramp.

[bell and crashing]

Cool.

I'm Tricycle Hank and I'm gonna ride my trike down this hill

and off a ramp.

Um, that's a slide.

Do you see any hills around here?

Where did ya see this?

On TV.

For the last time, Wile E. Coyote's a cartoon.

No, no, this was a real guy.

- Did he hurt himself? - Yeah.

Proceed.

[bell]

[Hank screams]

[bell]

[Hank grunting]

Don't try this at home, kids.

D'oy.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Okay, any new business?

Yes.

I read that tomorrow is the start of Turn Off Your TV Week.

I propose we ban reading.

Well, I think Dog River should take part.

Even Wullerton's doing it.

[spitting]

I'd like to stick it to that town.

I should have won their knitting contest. You saw what I knit.

You knit a scarf that says, "Wullerton sucks."

Well, they should have recognized the skill involved.

Who's with me?

I say we do it. TV almost k*lled me.

Don't listen to this jackass. I love TV and TV loves me.

Well, here's somethin' you won't hear me say very often.

I agree with my dad.

TV's like the brother I never had.

I thought I was the brother you never had.

No, you're the non-brother I did have.

I don't watch TV, so missing a week would be a breeze for me.

Well, I do watch one show, So You Think Your Kids Can Dance.

But that's it.

Last night was actually pretty good.

There's this kid from Cincinnati

and his dad just lost his job, his mom's in jail.

So this little kid danced his heart out.

I-I-I called in and voted for him like times.

You can do that.

You can call them however many times you want.

I think we should give up TV just to get Lacey off the junk.

People, people, listen to yourselves.

You're actually talking about giving up TV for an entire week.

That's-that's seven days.

This is madness.

Wanda, back me up on this.

Sorry? What are we talking about?

I don't pay attention at these things.

Giving up TV for a week.

[laughs] Yeah, good luck with that.

Let's put it to a vote.

Those in favour of no TV for a week

and sticking it to Wullerton, spit.

[spitting]

Done.

Hey, you tricked us.

Hey. So how is Day One of no TV goin'?

Good, good. I don't need TV. Plenty else to do.

Whoa. Now it's two pieces a floaty goop.

I get by. How about you?

Fantastic. I've got all this free time.

I've been doing baking, callin' old friends.

Hey, do you watch So You Think Your Kid Can Dance?

Oh. You lost your TV in the divorce?

Oh, I see. Hmm.

Do you have your ex-husband's phone number?

Good for us.

Well, I'm off to put a raisin in soda water.

Somebody told me it goes up and down.

[low, soothing voice] It's minutes after the hour

and Karen Pelly has just entered the police station.

No accidents, so it should be smooth walking

all the way to her desk.

What are you doing?

I got out the old ham radio and thought

we could do a radio show to help people through No TV Week.

Oh, that is so cool. This is gonna be great.

A classic rock station right here in Dog River.

Yeah. 'Cause that's what Saskatchewan needs,

is another classic rock station.

Maybe we can call it The Bear or The Goat or The Moose.

That's good. I like all of those names.

No. What Saskatchewan needs is an all-jazz station.

But I thought we wanted people to listen.

Or am I confused?

I like this TV Free Week.

I finally have time to catch up on some readin'.

What are you readin', the back of cereal boxes?

Yeah. Yeah, I started with the back of the Trix box.

And then I got through the Alphabets box.

Shreddies, I couldn't put down. If you want, I'll lend it to ya.

Oh, thanks. But I read these things called books.

Oh. Well, if you get tired of those,

I recommend anything from Kellogg's.

Having trouble with your, uh, crosswords?

I'm having trouble concentrating on my crossword.

"Starts with an M, another word for... belittled."

Midget.

Here, I'll write it.

No, you're not writing anything.

[arguing]

Well, this is never gonna float.

[arguing continues]

Now, this is worth watching.

- I'm bored. - Listen to the radio.

I hate listening to radio. It creeps me out.

Well, you can't sit here moping all day.

[scoffs] Watch me.

Clean the basement. Gee.

You clean the basement.

Build yourself a stupid bookcase.

Hel-lo.

You?

Oh, ho.

[giggles]

Hey.

Wanda was just here and she said she wanted you

to meet her outside the gas station later,

so she could give you a gift.

- A gift? Really? - Yeah.

She said she was feelin' bad

about freakin' out on ya earlier.

She's cleanin' the windows and was wonderin'

if you could help her

by dumping out her dirty water bucket.

Hey, Wanda. I was talkin' to Hank and he said he read

the back of a Triscuits box, so now he's smarter than you.

Smarter than me? He's not as smart as a Triscuit.

He said you'd say somethin' like that.

That's what it was.

He said you were easier to read than a box a Triscuits.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

No, no. This is good to know.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

- Excuse me. I was-- - Sshh. Sshh.

My show's on.

Hey, Oscar.

So, this no TV thing must be killin' ya, hey?

I've never done anything easier. Yeah, water off a duck.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, yeah, last night I did some more baking,

read a couple chapters in-- Oh, God. I would give it all up

for one minute of So You Think Your Kid Can Dance.

[whispers] I can hook ya up.

What?

I'm talkin' primetime, quality stuff.

I get two other channels.

There's a Moose Jaw station...

and the CBC.

[ Hockey Night in Canada theme]

That can't be the CBC.

ANNOUNCER: Watch hockey on TSN.

Now back to So You Think Your Kid Can Dance.

Oh, there it is. There it is. Leave it there.

So that's it? That's the show you wanna watch?

Yeah.

[turns off TV]

What are you doing?

Five bucks if you wanna watch the rest of your kid show.

DAVIS [low, soothing voice]: Welcome back.

I'm Downtown Davis and you're listening to All That Jazz.

And now for weather on Weather on the Ones with Jazzy KP.

[high-energy voice] This is Special K with your wacky weather.

Looking outside, there is a % chance of--

[fart sound]

with the barometer going all the way up to--

["aoooga" horn]

Back to you, Big D.

It's Downtown Davis.

Anyway, it's TV Free Week here in Dog River.

And with us on the show, we have Emma Leroy.

Why are you talking like that?

Now, you've spearheaded this whole project.

[fart sounds]

Hey, Big D, did you just eat a burrito?

No, I did not.

Sorry, Emma. I apologize for Big D. Please continue.

Well, I thought Dog River should--

[fart sounds]

Oh, man! I think Big D just gave birth to a fog monster.

[horn, cranker, cow bell]

[whispers] TV?

TV?

Whaddaya got?

Whaddaya need?

Some Muppets?

Some Flintstones?

- A little Punky Brewster? - Yeah.

What are you doing?

Makin' a little cash-ola,

you know, a little scratch, a little chicken seed.

You can't do it in here. We're gonna get caught.

Get caught doing what?

Uh, selling moonshine.

You know, just tryin' to help people get through No TV Week.

Good. Whatever it takes to b*at--

Yes, we all know what the town's name is.

So I'm confused.

What was the present Wanda was supposed to give me?

Was it the wet sponge to the face or the purple nurple?

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

She must feel threatened by how smart you are now.

Ah, well, that's understandable.

Wanda mentioned about challenging you to a game of chess.

[snorts] Bring it on.

Two smartest people in town

dukin' it out in the ultimate battle of wits?

Yeah.

You know, chess is the one

with the little castles and horsies, right?

Oh. Okay.

Well, bring it on.

I was pretty quiet.

I think I made it past Emma.

Emma's not home.

Oh. Well, then I definitely did.

Oh. Whaddaya got there?

Whoa, Ted Turner. Those are three bucks each.

What? That's highway robbery.

You let me watch TV for free and you can have a sticky bun.

Deal.

Hey, wanna a sticky bun?

- Four bucks. - Oscar!

They're five.

So...

a little -pound birdie in a blue shirt

told me that you think you can b*at me in chess.

That's right.

So let's get it on.

Check and mate. Heh, heh.

This is gonna be easier than I thought.

Oh.

You glued my pieces to the board.

What? I didn't glue the--

Oh. And I see that yours are free to run around

and jump and frolic.

Oh, look at us.

I'm winning at chess. I'm a genius.

I think that's-- that's an illegal move.

[laughs]

Oop, quick, act like you're buyin' somethin'.

No, we're not doing the weather again.

Next caller.

MAN: Yeah. Is this All That Jazz with Downtown Davis?

'Cause I'd love to hear some jazz.

All right.

And what can I play for you?

Ah, I'd love to hear Michael Bublé's "Sway."

Oh, come on. Michael Bublé's not jazz.

He's a gifted vocalist who defies genres.

DAVIS: I'd rather listen to the weather.

[dial tone]

Are there no serious jazz fans out there?

Maybe if you'd lighten up, your show would be more popular.

I can lighten up. Watch this.

Hello, jazz fans. This is Downtown Davis.

I'm gonna make a phone call.

But it's not a real phone call,

it's what we like to call a crank call.

Okay, here we go.

Corner Gas.

Hello.

Hey, Davis.

Oh, it's not Davis.

This is John Coltrane, jazz saxophonist.

Do you have any popsicles?

Isn't John Coltrane dead?

Yes. That's why this is Charlie Parker.

He's dead too.

Right. I mean Ornette Coleman.

You want to, uh, think this through and call me back?

No. I-I don't know what you're--

[fart noise]

Now you're gettin' it!

Has it started yet?

It's just about to. Should be a good one.

Here we go.

[sings]♪ The Hank and Wanda Show ♪

Well, that's kinda weird.

Hey, Jim. Your usual spot?

Please.

Lacey, Jim's here. Two sticky buns, pronto.

Comin' right up. Hiya, Jimmy.

[door opens]

It's Emma.

Okay, everyone, you know the drill.

Okay. C'mon.

What are you all doing down here?

Hey, hey, Emma. Just a friendly game a cards.

Cards.

Whaddaya think I am, an idiot?

Oh, ho, a radio.

Thanks, Emma.

KAREN: You're listening to DRPD!

[fart sound, car horn honking)

Maybe we don't need the radio.

There they are, the happy sponsors.

Gotta be happy with that show.

Huge ratings. Seven, maybe eight people.

Great.

And here's your coupon for a free tire rotation.

You tryin' to stiff me?

You're damn right a tire gauge.

I get to keep that mug, right, Phil?

I wasn't really happy with how my business was represented.

C'mon, man. I drank the hell outta that mug.

All right. Here's a coaster.

Score. Hah-hah.

Comin' up next, we've got Special K

with her ever popular weather report.

Thanks, Davis. Outside it's--

But not before we hear from Big Daddy Davis

with his traffic report.

[imitating helicopter] This is Davis with his eye in the sky.

We're lookin' down on Main Street and it looks a little

back-ack-a-dacked up down there.

We've got some cattle on the road-- [moo]

--and a couple a lions as well.

[roar]

And a donkey.

[bray]

And now over to Special K for the weather.

Well, it is hotter out there than a--

[meow]

Oh, I can't do this.

Well, here's a weather report for ya.

Karen's attitude is as cold as ice.

And speakin' a cold as ice,

here's a little Foreigner for ya.

[mambo music]

Okay, that's not Foreigner,

but if it was, it woulda been pretty cool.

So, ya havin' a good time? You enjoyin' the show?

Yeah, it-it's good.

Hmm. What's that you're eating?

It's a sticky bun.

Really?

Since when does a sticky bun have ham and cheese in it?

Oscar, this guy's packin' a sub.

What? You outta be ashamed of yourself.

I invite ya into my house, charge ya five bucks

to watch a crappy TV, and this is how ya repay me?

Get out.

But Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are about to sing.

Get out!

I've soaped up the windows on Wanda's car,

pretending to be Hank.

And there's a lemon meringue pie

placed precariously on top of the ladder.

Let's see what happens on the♪ Hank and Wanda Show ♪

That looks like a delicious watermelon, Hank.

Wherever did you get it?

Mm, at the Foo Mart, cents a pound.

Foo Mart's great.

I find that their warm and friendly staff

is always eager to answer any question I might have.

And now with the extra till they've added,

there's no reason to wait in line.

Who's smart?

Thou art.

[together]♪ When you shop at Foo Mart ♪

You gotta be kiddin' me.

This is just one big ad.

No, wait!

They could still drop that pie. That'd be funny.

I could squirt them with a hose.

Hello, DRPD. You're on the air.

MAN : Hi. Is this the police station?

Nope. It's Party Patrol with Special K and Big D.

[slide whistle]

Uh, right.

I just thought you guys should know that there's some

illegal TV watching going on at the Leroy residence.

All right, buddy.

Thanks, but why don't you leave the pranks

to Downtown Davis. Next caller.

MAN : Hello? My house is on fire and my cat is trapped upstairs.

Thanks, sir. We'll get right on that.

[cuckoo clock]

I think those might have been real calls.

HANK: Where is everybody?

They're gone. Show's over.

What? Why?

Because you sold out. It was nothin' but one big commercial.

You're the one who manipulated us.

We were just tryin' to make a buck.

Literally a buck.

I was just trying to get through No TV Week

and you guys had to ruin it

with your shameless product placement.

Hello? DRPD.

It's the cops!

Places, everyone.

Open up. We know you got a TV in there.

All right, we're comin' in.

All right, ya caught me.

Who can go a whole week without watching TV?

Emma, how could you?

After everything we've done to win this contest, for you.

I found another one downstairs.

That's great.

Just what we need,

lose another competition to Wullerton.

[spitting]

Not necessarily.

We could lie.

It's nice to have ya back, old friend.

Oh.

That guy in the beer commercial just

opened the bottle with his teeth.

Wait, Hank. I don't think you wanna--

Let's just see where this goes.

Oh, my mouth!

TV's great.

[chuckles]

Boy, TV really is fantastic.

Hi, I'm Brent, from TV.

I know Corner Gas is a show

that's watched by the whole family,

so I wanted to take a moment

to say somethin' to the kids out there.

In tonight's episode the folks of Dog River

got out of a jam by tellin' a lie.

That may be fine and funny in the TV world,

but out there in real life

tellin' a lie is never a good way to solve a problem,

unless you're in a real bind and tellin' the truth

is just gonna cause a big hassle and make somebody mad at ya.

Goodnight, everybody.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪