06x14 - Queasy Rider

[bunniefuu]

Hey, I've got two tickets to the Rider game.

Whaddaya doin' Saturday?

Absolutely nothing.

Good.

Then you can help me move.

Oscar,

here's two tickets to the Riders game.

I can't use them. Great. I have to move.

Is it too late to mention my bad back?

Oh, yeah.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

It's no fair. You trtricked me into moving.

I didn't trick you.

I arranged my sentence in a way that led you to believe

something that wasn't true.

But why didn't you hire movers?

That was my plan, but then I talked to Brent.

Movers? We don't use movers in Dog River.

We help each other out.

That's what we do in small towns, we band together,

like in a barn raising or--

well, that's really the only time we band together,

other than moving.

So you'll help me move?

No, sorry, I got a barn raising.

Yeah, that's true. We do band together.

So who else is comin'?

Two very good friends of yours,

beer and pizza.

Don't try and trick me again. Who else is comin'?

It's a surprise.

Ooo, I like surprises.

Good.

It's just me, isn't it?

Oh. Surprise.

Check this out.

The Great Gazoo. How many wishes do I get?

Why are you covered in vinyl?

They're leathers.

Something bikers wear.

So why are you wearin' it?

Because as of tomorrow I'm a biker.

My uncle's been riding for years, but he's giving it up

and he's sending his bike to me.

Well, it's been good workin' with ya.

Just 'cause you're afraid of bikes, Cindy, doesn't mean we all are.

You have me confused with a little girl.

I rode a chopper for years.

That was a riding mower. It chopped.

I had to start it for him.

He was afraid of the grass clippings hitting his legs.

Hey, those sting.

And there's Yeah.

Bonjour.

Oh, comment ca va?

Oh, sorry, I only know French.

You're lucky my hands are full.

Wha? Oh, no. No, I saw this French film last night

and that's how they say hello in France, they kiss both cheeks.

We're not in France.

Hey, guys.

Bonjour, Karen.

I'm releasing the safety.

He saw a French film.

I'm still releasing the safety!

What's wrong with everybody? It's classy.

Bonjour, Oscar.

I take it you saw that French movie on TV?

That's how they say hello in France.

That's what I said.

Just a heads up. Hank's in there kissing people.

Yeah, I know. He already got me.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Lacey invited us over

for pizza and beer Saturday.

That sounds good. What's the occasion?

She just wants to thank us for all the work we do as police officers.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Well, we should get goin'.

I guess we'll see ya Saturday.

Oh, you're gonna come too. Great. Thanks for the help.

Help? In the community.

Don't say anything more to her.

Bonjour.

What the hell was that?

The word gross jumps to mind.

No, no, it's a greeting, it's not so weird.

In Europe they do it all the time.

Here, let me show ya.

Ow.

Safety first. Your safety.

You know, you might be pleasantly surprised.

I'll be surprised if someone doesn't give ya a b*ating over this.

Hello. Hey, Emma.

Oh, this is gonna be awesome.

Bonjour.

What are you doing? Knock it off.

No, no, just turn your head.

Bull's eye!

Hmm.

Oh, is that peach chapstick that I taste, uh, from your--

I'm just tryin' to break the ice, here.

Man, that was really weird.

Hey, guys. Glad you could come. This is gonna be awesome.

Well, thanks for having us. I brought a salad.

Oh. Okay. This is part of the small town tradition, is it?

I thought it'd go well with the beer and pizza.

Oh, for sure. Later.

How hot is this pizza?

We'll get to the pizza, but first we have moving to do.

Moving? Oh, didn't I mention that?

I thought we were coming to a party,

a thank you for the work we do in the community.

[Lacey laughs]

No. But that is good.

That's much better than the football tickets.

Don't worry. It's not gonna take very long.

Look, it's all ready to go.

Oh, no, these are empty.

Everything's still in the cupboards.

This is a new blouse.

You look nice.

Delivery for, uh, Wanda Dollard?

Hmm, name's not familiar.

Hey, Rizzo, you know anyone named Wanda?

Whoo!

My ride's here.

Time to hit the open road.

Wind in my hair, sun on my back.

Bugs in your teeth.

You're scared of bugs and grass clippings?

Pretty butch, Tammy.

Stop calling me girl names.

You sure you can handle all that raw power?

Okay, so my uncle sent my aunt's bike, slight miscommunication.

Still, you know, a bike's a bike, right?

Absolutely, a bike's a bike.

And maybe one day yours will grow into one.

Hey, Wanda, park your hog here and show this scooter driver

what a real bike looks like.

That is Wanda's scooter.

[laughs] You gotta be kidding me.

You ride on this?

Okay, Dad, it's not polite to laugh at her moped.

It's not a moped.

Do you see any peds?

No peds, all mo.

You can say that again. [laughs]

Keep laughin'.

cc's, zero to in seconds.

Wow, that's faster than, I don't know, walking?

Yeah, like you know a lot about walking? Now back up, Linda.

Stop doing that.

I'm gonna fire this baby up and see what's she's got.

[engine starts]

Sounds like my razor.

Sounds great.

That is the sound of freedom.

Freedom!

[honks]

[sputtering]

Sounds like freedom [laughs]

Oh, sorry Emma.

That's all right.

Oh.

I'll just, um-okay-

Right.

Uh, listen,

I just wanted to say that, uh, you know,

I haven't really been thinkin' about that kiss the other day.

Kiss? You mean when you hit me in the face with your mouth?

Well, I-I think it was a little bit more than that.

Well, I really haven't thought about it that much.

Yeah, me neither.

So that's good. Yeah, we'll move on.

I'll go back to my life and you can go back to Oscar.

I never left Oscar. And if I was ever gonna leave Oscar,

there's plenty of reasons without you in the picture.

Okay, good, good. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we talked.

And we'll never ever think of that kiss again.

[sighs]

How long have we been doing this?

Ten minutes.

Oh, God, this is gonna take forever.

Ooh, I'm starving.

You shoulda had something to eat before, like I did.

I would have, but I was leaving room for the pizza.

Hey, she duped me too. That's what we do in small towns.

Hey, guys, I was just trying to round up more people to help.

And good news. Nobody can make it.

More beer and pizza for you two.

Okay, what can I do to help?

Well, you can start by taking-- [ringing]

Oh, just a second.

Hello? Oh, hi Cheryl.

Yeah. Guess what? I bought a new house.

Yeah. The movers are here right now.

[engine humming]

[honks]

[jaunty music playing]

♪

Ciao, Wanda. Ciao.

Ciao, Guiseppe. Ciao, Maria.

Ciao, Hank.

♪

[music stops]

Oh--ah!

[clears throat]

Listen, you've probably heard by now that your wife and I

kissed on the lips, and I want you to hear my side of the story.

All right, sure. Wait? What?

It-it was an accident.

I was doin' my very suave double kiss

and, well, she kinda screwed it up.

You did what with my wife?

It was that French film. You saw it.

I was doin' the classy double kiss.

Yeah, yeah, classy. You did what with my wife?

I don't think she's ever been to Europe

and I-I-I don't think she's ever seen a foreign film either.

I know I keep goin' back to this, Hank, but

you did what with my wife?

Easy. Easy, easy. What's easy about it?

Actually, this couch is kinda light.

Because I'm carrying it. Geez, you complain a lot.

I've been sorting photo albums and you don't hear me whining.

How about a little help with the couch?

Oh, fine. Put it down.

Uh, thanks.

[grunts] This thing's a k*ller.

Wait a few minutes and when you pick it up, you'll find it's easier.

For a little bit, then just set it down again.

I was actually thinkin' you'd help us lift it.

Fine.

Okay, now stop your whining.

C'mon.

[humming]

Have a nice ride in your little European can opener, there?

It was fantastic, if you must know.

Very, very liberating.

Mui mui, liberaci.

Yeah, well, less mui mui and more worky worky.

You've been out all mornin' and I've been stuck in here.

I'm gonna go get a chili dog.

Hey, do you want me to get it for ya?

Really? Well, that-that'd be great, actually, because I, uh-

Back in a flash.

You're driving there? Ciao, Brento.

[engine revving]

Brento?

What the hell are you doin' goin' around kissin' Hank on the lips?

What? First of all, he tried to kiss me.

Not what I heard. He was just tryin' to do the double kiss.

If you'd stayed up and watched that French film, you'd know that.

I was knitting.

And look who's payin' the price now.

Yeah, me. Hank doesn't know how to kiss.

I disagree. Hank and I kissed just the other day,

and it was fine, real classy.

But you get in there and screw it all up

and turn it into somethin' cheap.

For the love of Pete.

We all want someone younger, but that doesn't mean

we go off half-cocked with an idiot in a gas station.

I know how to double kiss.

Apparently not.

Apparently not.

[jaunty music]

♪

Ciao, bella. Bella, Wanda.

E una bella giornata.

Bella, Wanda. Bella, Wanda.

Wanda!

Wanda, help us move!

Please, help us move! She's a tyrant!

I no speaka de English. Ciao, ciao.

Okay, bye.

Hey, guys, good news.

Brent called and he can come help in half an hour.

But we just finished.

Oh, well, he can join us for beer and pizza.

You don't share a pizza with Brent.

He eats and you try to keep cheese from flyin' into your hair.

Oh, relax. There'll be plenty.

See, it says Party Size.

It's a frozen pizza?

Well, it is now. It won't be in half an hour. Ooo, thin crust.

I thought you were gonna order in for pizza.

From where?

The Ruby.

I am not making pizza. I just moved all day.

You didn't move anything.

It's okay. Let's just have a beer and relax.

The pizza will be ready in no time.

Where's the beer?

Oh, I packed it.

Where?

Um...

Wow, nothin' like a ride in the open air

to clear your head and set your mind straight.

And of course no chili cheese dog.

[imitates Italian accent] Oh, right. Me-a forgetto.

I'll go get you a gelato from the Foo Martio.

♪ Donda mia poncho via ♪

No you won't. You'll stay right here.

I'm gonna go help Lacey move. They should be done by now.

[engine starts]

[crashing, glass breaking]

Mama mia.

Hey, Fonzie.

What happened to your blender?

What?

Your powder blue bucket of bolts.

No.

No!

It's not possible!

Did you do this?

Hah. That's not my work.

If I had my way, it'd be stuck in the grill of an -wheeler.

Found it.

You know where it was?

In the box marked "Bathroom Stuff."

It's always the last place ya look.

But thanks for unpackin' everything else, you guys.

It's warm.

Well, maybe if you'd moved a little faster.

Oh, pizza.

Oh, guys, I can't find my dishes.

Uh, we'll eat it off the floor.

Just bring it.

Ooo. Who's ready for pizza?

It's a little crispy.

Too bad we didn't get it before it entered the earth's atmosphere.

Hey, guys. Oh, finally a happy face.

These two are startin' to get really grumpy.

Ooo, brewskies.

It's ours.

Movers only.

Oh, I'm too tired to laugh at that.

Hi, Fitzy.

Aren't ya gonna say hi?

Please, don't kiss me.

Why would I do that?

Word on the street is you like it on the lips.

Most of us take the classy route, kissing on the cheeks.

Apparently you like to get down to business.

Who's telling you this?

Don't get too close, Fitzy.

She'll zig when you zag. That's how she got me.

All right, Yarbo.

It's time we talked face to face.

Oh, man, here we go again.

Did you see my bike?

Uh, yeah. Listen--

When I find out who did that,

I'm gonna take them out for a beer.

A beer?

Yeah.

And while we're out for that beer, I'm gonna hire

some thugs to smash all the windows in their car,

or maybe blow up their car. Blow up their house.

Smash their car and blow up their house.

And pee in their garden.

Yeah, well, um, I'm off to help Lacey move.

Weren't you just there?

Lots to do, lots to do.

Listen, I am sorry that you don't like burnt pizza.

No one likes burnt pizza, or warm beer.

Mm, actually, in Britain and Germany--

Enough. Okay, you have screwed us over all day long

and I am sick of it.

I came here for a pizza party seven hours ago

and I am going to have a pizza party.

Okay. Okay, look it, you know what, you're right.

You guys have worked really hard.

The least you deserve is a fresh pizza from The Ruby.

All right.

So, here are some % off Ruby pizza coupons for you.

You can use 'em next time you come in.

I'm not sure when they expire. Lemme right in a week today.

That should give you lotsa time.

Fresh pizza now, or we start juggling the crystal.

I don't know how to juggle.

Oh, right.

And we don't know how to juggle.

We need some more beer.

I'm not really licensed.

We're the cops. More beer.

Hey, fresh pizza.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The pizza is for Davis and Karen. They helped me move.

Oh, well, the more the merrier.

We're gonna need a couple more pizzas over here.

That's what we do in small towns.

We band together to make sure people hire movers next time.

Oh, no.

You will pay for this.

[yells] You will paaaaaaaay!

[imitating Italian]

[speaking Italian]

Sure.

I know it was you.

I can't believe you didn't say anything.,

You were gonna blow up my garden and pee in my car.

Look, I can fix this, I can fix your bike.

Yes.

I'm pretty mechanically inclined.

I do own a gas station.

I've seen you get your shirt caught in the till,

for an entire afternoon.

You have hours.

Then, manja copa conizzo.

And the horse you rode in on.

All right, Hank.

You wanna see classy? I'll show you classy.

Don't hurt me.

Oh.

There.

I just saw Emma kiss Hank.

Okay, Karen, no more beer for you.

And voila.

That's European, right? Voila?

Wow.

It looks like crap.

But, you know, I can see the effort.

I can tell you did your very best.

And for that, mia forgivo.

Let's go, Florence.

Stop doing that.

No, Florence is my bike's name.

Let's hit the road, Florence. See you, Margaret.

[jaunty music]

♪

How was it?

Mucho queaso. Like ridin' a paint shaker.

Is this where you blow up my car and burn down my house?

Ah, don't worry. They can't trace it back to me.

These guys are professionals.

[groans]

Hey, Oscar, see Boyz n the Hood last night?

Damn straight.

Hey, Karen. Don't kiss me.

Oh, no, I don't do that anymore.

Bein' suave got me into trouble. I'm into fist bumps now.

That's a relief.

Pound it. Ow!

That's it, I am takin' the safety off!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪