06x17 - Happy Career Day to You

[bunniefuu]

Hey, did you clean behind the cooler?

Yep.

No ya didn't.

Well, if you knew, why'd ya ask?

She makes a good point.

It's filthy back here. Wait a minute.

[crinkling]

What's this?

It's a Dingle Puff.

With an expiration date of July .

This Dingle Puff is over years old.

Oh.

You could be holding the world's oldest Dingle Puff in your hand.

Cool.

See? If I had cleaned behind the cooler,

you woulda never found that. Then where would we be?

I'm a hero, really.

You're still cleanin' behind the cooler.

Dammit.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Thanks, Emma.

It's great to have you volunteering at the school.

Well, it gets me outta the house.

Listen, could you watch the kids?

I have to step out for a sec.

Sure.

Your teacher will be right back. She just--

It looks like Mrs. Johnson won't be back.

What are you doing the rest of the day?

But I'm not a teacher.

Just until we find a substitute.

And what are you doing tomorrow?

Hey, Lacey, you know what day tomorrow is?

Wednesday.

Do you know whose birthday it is on Wednesday?

Abe Lincoln.

No. I mean maybe it is. I don't know.

I meant me.

Oh, happy birthday.

I'd love to come to your party.

Well, I'm not havin' a party.

I'm heading to Missouri Jack's Rib Emporium.

On your birthday you get to wear a silly hat

and the waiters come out dressed like a mariachi band.

Because Missouri is famous for mariachi bands?

Oh, it's so fun. I knew you wouldn't like it.

What? I can have fun.

You don't do anything for birthdays here.

What do you call % off soup and a free bun?

It's okay. Birthday hoopla's not for everybody.

You come here tomorrow and I'm gonna give you

and Abe Lincoln somethin' to talk about.

Watch me.

MAN: Hello, and thank you for calling Tasty Treat Bakeries.

Press if you're looking for employment.

Press if you wish to submit a delicious recipe.

Press if you've found an old Dingle Puff.

[beep]

Please wait for our next available

Dingle Puff representative.

Your snack-related questions are important to us.

[elevator music]

I've been sittin' in the car five minutes

waitin' to be gassed up.

Shh. We're in the middle of an important phone call.

- Tasty Treat Bakeries. - Yes, hello.

We found a -year-old Dingle Puff, perfectly preserved

in its original packaging and we thought maybe you'd wanna

put it in food museum or something.

Ah, nope.

Oh. Well, what should we do with it?

Throw it out. It's years old.

Ask him if we could eat it.

Whatever you do, don't eat it,

or anything else that's years old.

- Well, what if we washed it down with a-- - Don't eat it.

Any more questions that aren't about eating?

Who played Mrs. Howell on Gilligan's Island?

Hey, Emma, what are you doin'?

Well, I have to keep a group of -year-olds busy

for a couple of days.

Do you think three hours is too long for naptime?

They're -year-olds. They don't nap.

Well, Brent had naptime when he was .

He still looks sleepy.

What am I gonna do?

Why don't you have guest speakers, like a career day.

That'll eat up the clock. Oh, that's a good idea.

Well, I could swing by and--

Karen, could you come to the school

and talk to the kids about your career?

Sure, I'd love to help ya out.

Hey, why did ya go right to Karen?

Well, Lacey's been so busy lately. Anyway, thanks guys.

Wow. That was steel-toed boot to the ego.

Ah, don't take it personal.

She probably wants someone with a career instead of just a job.

[pot clanking]

♪ I heard it's someone's birthday ♪

♪ I wonder if it's true ♪

♪ I heard it's someone's birthday ♪

♪ I wonder if it's you ♪

Happy, happy birthday... Davis!

Whoo-ooo! [clapping]

[whistle]

[clapping]

I get a whistle ring too?

No. That's mine.

What are you jackasses lookin' for? Lose some keys?

No. We can't find the-- what are you eating?

Dingle Puff. A delightful little snack.

I remember them being moister, though.

Did you find that on the counter?

Yeah. Why?

Being a police officer can be a very exciting career.

Have you ever sh*t your g*n?

Yes, uh, by accident.

Then what did ya do?

I had the b*llet removed.

You sh*t yourself?

No, I had it removed from the filing cabinet.

Then I had to fill out a report.

They're starting to nod off.

Geez, it's hot out here.

- You sure you're okay? - Never better.

Oh. Well, I'd better get home before the gas station

starts spinning again.

- Here, let me help ya in the car, there. - Thank you, ma'am.

Drive me home please, Buckwald.

Okay, this is freakin' me out a bit.

Does your dad even have a driver?

Yeah. But his name's Wentworth.

Maybe I should drive ya home.

Okay. Turn the heater up. It's freezin' in here.

I guess the hardest part about being a police officer

is operating within a tight municipal budget.

Are you for real?

Did someone say candy?

[cheering]

No! Nobody said candy.

Well, I brought some anyways.

I've just got too much of it.

I'm surrounded by it all day long where I work.

What's your job?

Aww, it's not a job, Little Nipper.

It's a career.

She's a retail clerk and gas jockey.

Sounds like I'm two things rolled into one,

just like a Chewy-Gooey bar!

[cheering]

Are you gonna step in here?

Wanda,

you got any corn nuts?

Emma!

No, I'm all outta snacks.

The only thing I have left are...

comic books!

[cheering]

Hey, Lacey, thanks for the birthday song.

It was really cool.

Aw.

Excuse me.

It's my son's birthday and I was wondering

if you could do a birthday song for him?

Sorry. This really isn't that sorta restaurant.

Aw, come on. You did such a great job.

And you have such a lovely singing voice.

Aw, that is so sweet of you to say.

Happy, happy birthday... Lewis!

[cheering and applause]

Did Brent and Hank drop you off?

Yeah. They went to get me some Tums.

- They think I ate this. - Your car keys?

Oh, no, no. This.

It's years old. Brent found it behind the cooler.

Check the date.

Oh, my God.

Do you think this would interest school kids for a couple hours?

No. I'm playin' a joke on Brent and Hank.

They think I'm gonna get all sick and crazy,

so I'm playin' it up.

The sick part.

[cheering and applause]

And now, for the birthday girl-- [clanging]

--some free nachos!

Arr... these your nachos, me hearties?

[applause]

Other roadhouses serve food on something special,

not just a plate.

[scoffs] We do that.

We serve it on somethin' special.

- We do? - Uh-huh.

And here's your hubcap full a nachos.

[clanging and applause]

Maybe you shoulda washed it first?

Maybe you should wash your car more often.

Well, maybe you should--wait, my car doesn't have hubcaps.

Just came in to get a snack.

Should I pay for it or are ya still givin' it away for free?

Hold on.

[yawning] I'm suddenly feeling very sleepy.

Your speaking voice, I can't seem to stay awake.

I'll pay for my purchase.

Shouldn't be a problem, since I make more than minimum wage.

[snoring]

Hey, you two.

I wanna thank you both for helping me out with the kids.

They had a great time.

Shouldn't you be with them right now?

We're on a field trip.

This is all they could talk about when you left.

Plus it's an easy way for me to k*ll a couple of hours.

Anyway, I'll be at The Ruby if you need me.

I called Poison Control.

They said that rest was the best thing for me.

Okay. Well, you got your bucket, you got the Tums.

Is there anything else ya need?

I think I should put my feet up.

Poison Control said somethin' about that too.

- Hank, the couch. - Gotcha.

Leave it there. Just clear it off.

Gotcha.

I think some TV might help settle my stomach.

Oh. Oh, my feet are startin' to cramp up.

Oh.

Oh, if only someone would rub my feet.

I got the TV, man.

Oh, that's it, that's the stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Get right in between the toes, there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oo-oh.

I'm gonna need that bucket.

What's a boot full of fries?

That is just a fun new item, all part of the fun atmosphere

here at Ruby Lou's House of Food.

I guess I'll try the ribs.

For an extra dollar, those ribs can be bottomless.

Well, I'll have to take the rest of the day off work,

but what the heck. I'll do it.

How about you, Emma?

I don't want bottomless ribs, I don't want a boot,

and I don't want you to sing me a song.

Just ribs and a root beer.

All right. Would you like that root beer Ruby sized?

Ooo, what's that?

Comes in a fishbowl.

All right!

[clanking]

We got ribs, a boot, and a fishbowl!

Arrr!

All right, then.

All right, then, a little less running.

Oh. Hey, nice sh*t.

Are you havin' fun with the cash register? Huh?

Oh. I see you've added $, in sales today.

[chuckles]

Hard to explain that one to the tax man,

but, hey, we're learnin'.

[siren]

Oh, hey guys.

Sorry to interrupt, but I was just chasing a dangerous

bank robber and I thought he mighta come through here.

Puleease.

A bank robber? Cool.

Yeah, pretty neat, huh?

Are you guys havin' fun on your field trip?

Yeah, we've done lotsa cool stuff, huh?

Huh?

We did a crossword together, sold some gas.

Hey, who wants to come check out a cop car?

Your teacher said to stay here with me.

She's not our teacher.

We don't even know where our real teacher is.

Nothing's ever good enough for those snot-nosed punks.

Any beans left?

Brent! Brent!

Don't leave me alone with the leprechaun.

I think he and the monkey are planning something.

I've never seen him like this.

I have, but there was a bit a beer involved.

- Maybe we should take him to the doctor. - I'll get his car keys.

- ? - Unbelievable.

What are the odds of two -year-old Dingle Puffs?

About a million to zero.

This is the same one.

Come on. Where's the pot of gold? I won't tell anyone.

[laughter and noise]

A boot of Infinity Fries, Davis?

Oh, I'm not sure.

I didn't realize the boot was a size .

Think about it. They're infinite.

It's getting a little loud in here, don't you think?

I thought you liked this sorta thing.

I do, on my birthday.

Well, it's someone's birthday every day

here at Ruby Lou's House of Food.

[clanging]

[sigh]

Oh, wow, .

That can't be right.

Hey, the candy guy left an extra big box of Gummy Chews inside.

Who wants some?

I guess this is way cooler than candy.

Am I right, you guys?

ALL: Yeah!

[cell phone ringing]

DRPD.

Uh-huh?

Cows? How many cows?

Fine, I'll be right there.

Sorry, kids, I have to go do my job, I mean career.

ALL: Awww.

Awww.

Does Officer Karen have to go? Awww.

Probably has to go bore some criminal to death.

Ah, well, come inside and we'll have... a ball!

We wanna go with Karen.

Sorry, can't do that. You could get hurt.

- But she's really-- - Get inside!

Sorry.

Sorry about that, kids.

Don't tell your parents I yelled.

Hey, who can keep a secret?

Uh, Dad, we just checked with Poison Control.

They said you shouldn't be hallucinating.

That's not a symptom of eating an old Dingle Puff.

Oh.

Uh, did they say what I should be doing?

They said you should have cramps and a fever.

Oh, boy, it's hot in here.

Oh, my stomach seems to be crampin' up.

You didn't eat that Dingle Puff.

All right.

[laughs]

I didn't.

But you two should see the looks your faces.

Yeah, well, you sure got us good.

So where's the old Dingle Puff?

In my jacket pocket.

Sure this is the right Dingle Puff?

It says, uh, best before December .

What?

Where's the wrapper from the one you ate?

In the other coat pocket.

?

What? That can't be. Lemme see that.

Oh, my God.

I ate the old Dingle Puff.

Oh, boy.

Here come the cramps.

Oh.

[clanging]

Emma!

What?

Bones go in the bowl, peanut shells go on the floor.

Why is that so hard to remember?

Well, I don't know. I don't get what you're supposed to do

here at Crazy McWacky's.

Oh!

Look.

What?

Then I just hit Total Sales

and it prints out a receipt for the customer.

And it has the date on it and everything.

So did you guys have a good time with Mrs. Wanda?

ALL: No.

Well, whatever. The important thing is they had

the opportunity not to bother me for a couple hours.

Hey, kids, I caught the bank robber.

I thought it was cows...

is what I heard.

Yeah, the bank robbers tried to get away on cows.

Pretty stupid plan.

Almost as stupid as phoning in a false alarm about cows.

But not as stupid as falling for it.

Anyway, who wants to get a chalk outline drawn around them?

Who wants to see the most important part of my job?

Uh... fireworks!

Who wants to watch me sh**t a stop sign?

[yelling and whooping in cafe]

What are you doing out here?

Okay, you were right.

This new Ruby is a nightmare.

I am losing my voice from singing so much

and I think I may have a mouse problem

from all the stupid peanuts.

But I thought every day was a birthday

at Lacey's Shack of Insanity.

I just want my restaurant back.

I just wanna have a coffee in peace.

Who wants to hit Wanda with a stun g*n?

Who wants to slam Officer Karen's head

into the cash register?

What the hell's gotten into you two?

We're just talkin' about our careers.

Careers?

You pump gas and eat licorice

and you're some kinda deputy or something.

Really? This coming from a classroom volunteer.

And homemaker.

What's a homemaker?

It's a word someone made up on The Price is Right.

It's more work than either of your jobs.

I don't just sit around knitting, baking cookies,

and watching TV.

You get to watch TV at your job?

I'll let ya in on a little secret.

Sometimes, when I'm lying on the couch watching TV,

I eat the cookies I baked, and then I take a nap.

When I grow up, I wanna be a homemaker.

Good.

What's that for?

To pump your stomach.

Let's just say it's a worst case scenario.

Power drill's ready to go.

Okay, second-worst case scenario.

What's going on?

I'm dying.

You're not dying.

We switched Dingle Puffs on ya.

Oh, how could you? Playing a cruel joke on your father

when he's just trying to play a harmless joke on you.

- It's the same joke. - What's that on your face?

Oh.

I found a Dingle Puff on the counter.

Not as moist as I remember them.

- I'll call Poison Control. - I'll fire up the vacuum.

All right, for sanitation reasons,

I'm gonna have to shut this place down.

He's got us there.

I guess I'm just gonna have to change this place

back into a plain old boring restaurant,

thanks to Officer No Funsky over here.

[mouths words]

Uh-huh. Just don't forget your end of the deal.

♪ Sooo, from Missouri Jack's to you ♪

♪ have a happy birthday too! ♪

[clapping]

Isn't this place great?

Totally. It's so much nicer when you don't have to worry

about cleaning up the mess afterwards.

Whoops.

Uh, Lady,

you're only allowed to throw peanut shells on the floor.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪