06x18 - Get the F Off My Lawn

[bunniefuu]

Windstorm of '. Remember that?

Moved the whole town five feet to the left.

Every day a little bit crazier.

I'm just trying to top her story.

That wasn't a story, that was a remark.

Topsies. Stamped it, locked it, stuck it in my pocket.

You are a freak, you know that?

I knew a freak Stop topping.

Hey, where's your F and E?

Hank, this is a family restaurant.

No. Where's your F and E?

Where's my F and E?

I think we'll eat Oh, no.

No, no, don't leave. I wasn't cursing, I was talking about--

No.

Aw, sh--

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Hank's in my parking spot again.

Well, first of all, you don't have a parking spot.

Second of all, parking spots are for valued customers.

Wait, why do you have a parking spot?

I'm your best buddy.

Guess there's some value to that.

He doesn't even work here and he has a parking spot.

You don't do any work here and you get a cheque.

Me? The only stain on your work shirt is from relish.

I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I'm sick of my wobbly stool.

You should see Doc Russell about that. Hilarious.

No, I'm serious. He's also a carpenter. He makes stools.

Well, I don't want a new one, I just want this one fixed.

Look at it. It's like I'm riding a mechanical bull,

except I'm not wearing a halter top.

It was in the 's, I was trying new things, I...

Look, I just want a non-wobbly stool.

Is that too much to ask?

Ah, the wind wouldn't of blown 'em any further than this.

Someone obviously took 'em.

Maybe you should put out an APB on the F and E.

That's a lotta paperwork.

That was just a little letter humour.

You sure you want those letters back?

Now would be a good opportunity for you

to spell something different,

like cake, cash, carrots.

Can't.

You'd put up can't ?

No. I mean I won't.

Why would people stop for won't? I wouldn't.

Just find the letters, please.

Karen, taste this.

What does it taste like?

Jam.

Good. I want you to judge a jam contest.

Why can't you do it?

I bit my tongue.

Ten bucks if you can stop it with your tongue.

Easy money.

[yells]

What is with this town and contests?

It's easy.

You just taste the jams and then declare Emma the winner.

So you want me to be impartial, but give Emma the prize?

Yeah. Well, she's won the contest years in a row.

Her jam's the best.

Knock on her door and give her the prize. Your contest is a waste of time.

Are you judging me? A little.

Good. Use that.

And then declare Emma the winner.

What's this?

A list of demands for better working conditions.

"Extended vacation time, permanent parking spot, a sturdier stool."

You make this sound like a sweat shop.

Oh, that reminds me.

I do wear deodorant.

Hey, what about the benefits of working here, huh?

Number one...

It's indoors, so when it rains you don't get wet. You know?

You have full access to magazines, unfettered...

There's a window. Need I go on?

Yes. Unfettered horizon is not on my list of demands.

All right. To show you I am a just and fair boss,

I'm gonna fix your stool.

There ya go, one de-wobblified stool. Who's the man?

Seriously, what kinda deodorant?

Because that's not gettin' it done.

We're lookin' for a couple lost letters.

You seen 'em?

I think I saw that one last night.

Really? Where?

[wind howling]

Did you see that?

Yeah.

Now, are you sure it was an F and not a broken E?

Coulda been.

This case just got a lot more complicated.

Now who d*ed?

Nobody.

Just gettin' dressed up for when you win the jam contest.

Oh, Oscar, it's never a sure thing.

At least it wasn't before I started entering.

You've had quite the run, my dear.

Well, we have.

Well, maybe I'll actually make it into the picture this year.

Hmpf. Good luck.

[gas bell dings]

Wanda, you wanna get that?

[gas bell dings] Wanda?

[gas bell dinging]

WANDA:[chanting] Res-ti-tu-tion. Re-mun-er-ation.

I demand in-demni-fication.

Wow, you do a lotta crosswords, huh?

If you're gonna strike, you may wanna trim a couple syllables.

So my voice is finally being heard?

Actually, all I'm hearin' is the gas bell.

You wanna move your one-man parade feet to the left?

I may be moved, but I will not be silenced.

Nobody's listenin' to ya, anyway.

Your chant doesn't even rhyme.

No more service, no more gas,

while Brent sits around scratchin' his--

[gas bell dings]

That's enough chanting.

Hey, you kids!

Get the F off my lawn!

Lacey, what I'm about to show you may be disturbing.

Is that your F?

No.

Of course it's my F.

Why did you have a sheet over it?

A little drama.

Wow, look at all this jam.

Mm, that's good, I like that one.

Whoa! Hey, whaddaya doin'? Those are for the judge.

I am the judge.

[scoffs] What kind of experience do you have tasting jam?

I'm a cop. Whaddaya think my doughnuts are filled with?

Jelly.

Oh. Right.

Well, it doesn't matter who's judgin', anyway.

Emma's gonna win.

Oh, Oscar. You may be right.

Well, that was easy.

The winner is... Myrtle's jam!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You weren't even close.

No, the winner is Emma, with Jam #.

Mine's not Jam #.

Oh, what difference does it make? Ya won.

Come and get a picture of me and the missus. Don't crowd me, woman.

I think she's saying I didn't win.

You aren't saying that, are ya?

Yeah. The winner is...

Helen Jensen? Who's that?

Oh. The winner is Fitzy's grandma, Helen, apparently.

I've always believed in you, Helen.

You're not getting in the picture.

Ah, dammit.

Are you sure you don't have an E?

I'll check.

Hey, Lou, we got any Es left?

What, after the windstorm? Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh, wait. What about an M? I could put it on its side.

That's clever.

Thank you.

Yeah, but I got no Ms.

Oh! What about a W?

Ah, a W's an M upside down. Lady, you're a genius.

All things being relative.

[honking]

Thank you. Thank you for your support.

Get out of the way. I need some gas.

I think it's very gutsy what you're doin'.

You do? Thanks, Hank.

See? A little support. Would that hurt?

Sittin' there on your cozy leather seats,

listenin' to your-- Pardon me.

Listenin' to your radio,

suckin' on coffee bought from some Third World w*rlord

while the labourers struggle to--

Fill 'er up?

What are you doing? No, I'm listenin' to you.

Very inspirational. Out here takin' it on the chin

for the common man. Check the oil?

Hank, when you're done that, you wanna clean the stockroom?

You got it, boss. You hired a scab.

You mean I get paid for this?

Way to go. Now I gotta pay him.

I'm sorry, Karen.

I looked all over for it, but I just can't find it.

Find what?

Your sense of taste.

Take that sandwich in front of ya.

It might as well be an old sock filled with racoon poop,

and then you could give it first prize in a poop tasting contest.

It wouldn't surprise me if this town had poop tasting contest.

Look, I only picked whatever jam I thought was best.

[scoffs]

Oh, Karen, everybody knows that Emma's jam is the best jam.

If I'd been judging the jam contest,

I would have picked Emma's jam for sure.

Atta girl, Lacey. I've always liked you,

even though you are a few letters short of a café.

EMMA: Karen, you did what you thought was best.

Sure, I won the jam contest for years in a row,

but it had to come to an end and it's okay with me.

Thank you, Emma.

Thank you, Karen, for turnin' my wife into a loser.

How does that look?

A little more to the left.

Hey, Zorba, when did The Ruby turn into a Greek restaurant?

Uh, right after Hank took your job?

You corporate fat cats are all the same.

Hey, check it out. It's a Caf Sigma sorority house.

Panty raid.

Okay, take it down.

But I just moved it.

Take it down before my customers' panties get raided.

Boys!

Mmm-mm, this is delicious.

I don't care what anyone says,

you'll always be the Queen of Jam to me.

Thank you.

Fifteen years.

We had quite a run, didn't we, kid?

That's what I think.

Time to move on.

[crash]

Time for...

someone else to take their moment in the sun.

[crash]

Another person who will shine in the community,

instead of me.

[crash]

You know you're missing the dish rack, right?

Good for them.

[crash]

So how many hours do you think I'll have to work

before I can buy an iPod?

,.

Whoooo.

How many days is that?

Hm, I'm not sure. Why don't you figure it out

while you're cleanin' the cooler?

Sure. Where's the cleaning stuff?

Hm, I'm not sure.

[knocking]

Hey, where's the cleaning stuff?

Suck an egg, Baldy!

She says she doesn't know.

Maybe you should start with the inventory.

Yeah, okay. Where do you keep the sheet with the list of supplies?

Good question.

Yo, inventory sheets?

[blows raspberry]

Maybe just do the windows.

Cleaning stuff?

Right.

Yeah, maybe just take a break.

Hey, Emma.

I thought we'd use paper plates from now on.

I thought it'd be fun, like camping.

That's not necessary.

Sorry about the dishes.

I guess the jam contest did kinda get to me,

but I'm fine now, perfectly fine.

Totally understandable, my dear.

After all, it's jam.

[water running]

Oh, my God.

I've married Cujo.

Hey, Wanda, when you get Brent's rugs cleaned,

do you pay for all of it yourself or just half?

You clean his rugs?

You schmuck. What else has he got you doing?

Typical gas station stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Get in there, don't be shy.

Okay, now don't move.

You won't hit me in the eye again, are ya? Only if ya move.

Marco?

You have to say it. No, I don't.

Ah!

You don't have to take this.

Tell him to wrap his rug around his stick and cram it.

Oh, man, I wish I had your guts.

Oh, I should get back to work.

Excuse me. Are you the owner of this caf?

Oh, look, I already told your manager I'm not gonna pay ya

until you learn how to throw a paper.

No, I think I know where your E is.

What the--

DAVIS: I was hopin' you wouldn't see that. Oh!

Davis!

Nice joke, Davis. Ya had me looking all over town for an E

when it was here all along? Oh, I didn't steal it.

You just seemed so upset, so I made ya a new one.

Mm-hmm, nice try.

I think I'm gonna take my new E back.

You should be embarrassed, with a capital E.

Could I have a hand here, please?

!

Oh, sorry. Thought you were Hank.

Hank's out there.

S!

T! Gimme a T!

Gimme a V!

What are we spelling?

We're supposed to spell somethin'?

Hey, guys, guess what? I found my E.

It got me out of a real ja-- Pickle.

Uh, bind,

uh, conundrum.

Not what I was gonna say.

Hey, guys. Don't take Wertz Road.

They're paving, so there's a traffic ja-- Block up,

uh, clog, uh, congestion.

Excuse me. I have to wash my hands.

Okay, my sweet.

Oscar, what's with the word blurts?

I don't want anyone saying jam around Emma,

not since Karen turned her into a psycho.

Uh, yeah. I turned her into a psycho?

She went gaga the day she said "I do."

Please, change your mind. Say ya picked the wrong jam.

Declare a mm-mis-taste.

My life is in danger.

She seems fine to me. Oscar?

[whispering] Please help me.

I'm afraid to go to sleep at night.

Okay, then, you take care.

Remember not to say jam.

Jamma, jammy, jam-jam.

Emma did this?

Yeah. Right after you turned her into a psycho.

I know if I had been judging the jam contest--

All right, all right.

You the one missin' the E?

Not anymore. I found it.

Then what's this?

My E!

Where did you find that?

On toppa my chickens. By the way, ya owe me two chickens.

Whoa. That is not my fault.

There was a windstorm. And six eggs.

Now help me unload this chicken k*ller.

Uh-uh. I don't need it anymore. I have a replacement E.

What am I supposed to do with it?

Well, I don't know. Take it to the dump?

Now ya tell me.

I coulda saved a trip when I was droppin' off the chickens.

Go on, try them.

I picked the best jam and I know it.

Are you trying to get us k*lled? Fine, I will.

I don't even care about this contest.

Mm.

This one's better.

Ha! I knew it! That's the jam I picked.

Yes, but the recipe seems awfully familiar.

Doesn't it, Helen?

Fine. I did use her recipe.

I was sick of Emma winning all the time.

Year after year of seeing Emma wedged behind Oscar

in the Howler.

Take me away.

Um, it's a jam contest.

Well, if it's your recipe, then you won!

Someone get a sh*t of this. Oh.

LACEY: Ahem, Davis.

Look, I'm sorry for thinking that you stole my E.

And there's no reason to apologize.

Well, why would I apologize?

Don't worry about it. I want to invite you over to The Ruby

so that you can see your E in all its glory.

There's no E on your roof.

But there is one in friend.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay. Mop's in the back, kid.

He's not mopping it up.

Be good for him, builds character.

I don't think so.

Come on. Hey, you know anything about clogged toilets?

He's got those skinny arms; he could get right up there.

Fine.

I'm just sayin' let's be reasonable

and settle this like adults.

[blows raspberry]

And with less spitting.

Here's a list of my demands.

Okay.

Item one. Hmm.

That's it, we walk!

We're so outtie!

All I said was "Hmm."

It's not that you said, "Hmm," it's the way you said "Hmm."

All right.

I-I promise I won't say that sound anymore.

Fine.

All right, item two. [whistles]

Aw, come on!

What? It's just this item number two:

"Wanda Dollard will no longer be required to stock shelves

or ring in customers."

You see, that could be problematic,

what with that bein' the whole job.

Hm. That's it, I walk.

All right.

I'll stock the stupid shelves

and I'll ring in the stupid customers.

But I want my stool fixed and a parking spot.

Deal. Oh, hold on.

I got of list of demands too.

I can't hit you with a broom anymore? I don't know.

That's it, I walk.

See ya at the bar later?

Sure, yeah.

Can I hit him with the broom?

Deal.

move them back so they seem smaller.

No.

Well, I could move this one forward.

No.

Oh, what am I gonna do now?

Here's a thought.

Can I help you find something?

I'm looking for an effin' E.

Hey, easy lady.

This is a family junkyard.

I think we'll take our junk somewhere else.

Sorry.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪