06x19 - You've Been Great, Goodnight

[bunniefuu]

Hey, did you guys see the Howler ?

It says Fast Exit's doin' a reunion tour.

No way. Really?

Who's Fast Exit?

Who's Fast Exit. Only the most awesome rock band in the history of the universe.

Yeah. And they're doin' a tour of hockey and curling rinks across Western Canada.

Well, much of Western Canada.

Oh. The only show they're doing around here is in Wullerton.

[spitting]

Forget that, then. Buncha has-beens.

Thanks a lot, you guys. This is the health inspector.

Their little display isn't gonna hurt my rating, is it?

Are you kidding? Wullerton sucks.

[spits]

[spitting]

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

When you're done with the cooler, you can cash out and lock up.

Where are you going? Okay, then, real good.

Get back here. See ya tomorrow.

Okay,

do you guys know where Brent goes every Wednesday night?

Yeah, of course he told me. We're best friends.

But he asked me not to tell anyone.

I'll give ya five bucks if ya tell me.

Damn, now I wish he had told me.

Are you sure it's every Wednesday?

Yeah. He peels off in his car like Starsky and Hutch.

Well, like Starsky. That was the one who drove.

Hutch was more the thinker of the two. Although--

Stay focused.

Well, wherever he goes he stays late.

His car's not back at his place, even if you drive by at a.m.,

or : or :.

I'm just curious.

Maybe he's a double spy.

I say we set a trap for him. What are we talkin' about?

Brent sneaking out every Wednesday night.

We don't know where he's going.

Here's how you can find out.

Ask him.

He won't say. Well, he did say.

He said he had tightrope walking lessons, but I don't buy that.

Of course. He's gonna need to know how to tightrope walk

if he's gonna be a double spy.

This just bolsters my theory.

You guys, if Brent doesn't want us to know what he's doing,

then there's probably a reasonable explanation for it.

And, frankly, it's none of our business.

None of your business.

Oh, come on. Give me a hint. I won't tell.

Are you a spy?

I prefer the term secret agent.

It's a girl, isn't it?

Did I say "Keep guessing"? I meant to say "None of your business."

[sing-songy] ♪ Brent has a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend. ♪

♪ Kissing, kissing up a tree. ♪

Wait, how does that go? It's been a while.

Hey, just who I need, the fuzz.

Fuzz?

I've got a job for you.

Brent is going somewhere every Wednesday night.

That's not a lot to go on.

Brent is seeing someone.

[chokes]

Oh, sorry.

I thought you said Brent was seeing someone.

That is what I said.

[choking]

Okay, it's not that shocking.

Who?

Oh, I don't know. Some woman in the city.

Well, that's understandable.

I mean there's really no decent single women

left here in Dog River.

I read about this trick in a Nancy Drew book.

You just rub the pencil on the paper

and it should reveal what he wrote on the page before.

Nancy Drew?

Hardy Boys.

Do you see anything yet?

Yeah, Spiderman punchin' an alligator.

There's also a flying saucer sh**ting lasers

at some hockey players.

It doesn't add up.

BRENT: It makes perfect sense.

The flying saucer's from a distant ice planet

and it's using tractor beams to suck up all Earth's

top hockey players to compete in a intergalactic championship.

And Spiderman punching an alligator?

Well, that's just random nonsense.

And may I ask why you're snoopin' through my stuff?

How dare you violate Brent's private property!

You might as well just take his car keys

and rummage through his trunk and glove compartment.

And I think his house keys are on there too.

I don't think so.

OSCAR: Whaddaya got your nose in a cookbook for?

I wanna make a nice meal for when Brent

brings his girlfriend around to meet us.

Brent doesn't have a girlfriend.

Yes he does. Brent?

Yes. Leroy?

Your son. A girl?

Yes. What's wrong with her?

Why does there have to be something wrong with her?

'Cause there's somethin' wrong with him. [chuckles]

Where do you want me to start?

Brent's got a girlfriend in the city.

Man, that old dog.

He's always out there sniffin' around the ladies.

Brent hasn't had a date since grade .

He's saving himself for Catwoman.

Just let us finish our investigation

and we'll report back.

What are you investigating?

It's classified. You'll just have to wait until next Thursday

after we come back from tailing him.

I mean not tailing him.

You're tailing him? Let's roll! Shotgun!

Shotgun! Shotgun!

Davis! What? I called it.

You're coming with me. All right.

KAREN: Subject is on the move.

I can see that. Thanks.

[mystery music]

♪

♪

Keep your eyes peeled. If you see Brent, let me know.

Find him yet?

What are you doin' here?

Like you invented following people?

And you followed them?

No, we came together. I was just paying for parking.

Keep your eyes peeled.

If you see Brent, you let me know.

MAN: Put your hands together for your first comic,

Brent Leroy.

[cheering and applause]

Hey, everybody. It's good to be here.

I found him.

The liquor store in my hometown doesn't just sell liquor.

Also sells insurance.

[laughter]

That's a natural combination.

Yeah, I'd like to renew my driver's licence

and I'll pick up a bottle of corn whisky for the road, too.

WANDA: This is weird.

Nobody's ignoring him.

They're all listening to him or something.

Maybe I shoulda paid more attention to Brett.

It's Brent.

You sure?

Wow, it's like Brent's got this whole other life.

He's a stand-up comedian, he's got a girlfriend.

There is no girl.

Oh, let it go, Lacey. You had your chance.

[laughter]

He hasn't mentioned you or me once.

He's probably saving the best for last. Yeah.

Goodnight, everybody.

[applause]

Hey, you were really funny tonight.

Thanks.

He's right. You were fantastic.

Thanks, Wanda. That means a lot comin' from you.

But why aren't you ever funny at work,

instead of being such a boring old bag of yawns?

Anyway, you're welcome.

Terrific once again.

Stellar.

Uh, his name's not Stella, it's Brent.

Uh, this must be Hank, from your act? Yeah.

Are all these folks from your hometown?

Whoa, paws off, hotrod.

Oh. I'm guessing Wanda? Yeah.

That was great.

For future reference, though, I have globophobia,

not ballonophobia. Just--

Ah, you're the fussy one from Toronto.

I don't think I used the word fussy.

I may have said persnickety.

We're the funny cops.

That doesn't ring a bell.

OSCAR: What are you doing,

telling stories about me on stage?

It's my birthright.

You've given me a very special gift.

All my funniest stories are about you.

Really?

Well, I am pretty funny.

It makes no sense.

I mean at your age, going off to do some sorta cabaret routine.

You shouldn't be trying new stuff.

You should be stuck in a rut with a wife and kids.

People always say I'm funny. I guess you get that from me.

Working towards your retirement,

living the hell we all live.

You don't get it from her.

Yeah, clear my schedule on Wednesday.

Uh, one sec.

Hey, can I get a skinny frap?

I don't do skinny fraps?

How about a vente mocha chatte?

Um, I don't do made-up drinks either.

Oh, just a coffee, then.

Yeah, lemme know if you're gonna be free for lunch.

Whoa. Sounds important.

It is. I'm leaving messages for myself, reminders.

I'm part of Brent's entourage now

and it's keepin' me pretty busy.

Yesterday alone I had four calls about Brent.

All from you?

How that's coffee comin'?

Hey, next time you talk to him,

remember to tell him some funny stories about the Police Department.

Like the other day I was using the stapler

and it wasn't doing anything.

I'm stapling away and it's just going click, click.

And then I looked...

and there were no staples. Ha ha.

So there's that.

When's he gonna settle down?

What does he think, that he's gonna put you in charge

of everything so he can go chase some crazy showbiz--

Back up.

I'm in charge of everything?

Hm. Well, I guess I would be.

Kyle, be a peach and fetch me a refreshing beverage

from the cooler.

I'm not Kyle, I'm Jared.

Whoops, my mistake.

Kyle, beverage, s'il vous plait.

Oh.

I'm gonna have to get you two different coloured t*nk tops.

Well, it's not about us.

This is about Brent and we should support him.

Say, Karen, could you pass me the sugar?

Why sure.

[whispering] What are you doing?

You were supposed to unscrew this.

I thought you were gonna unscrew it.

Why would I--Never mind. I got an idea. Just go with it.

Should I unscrew it first?

It's hard to find a place to rehearse, isn't it?

Hey, funny guy,

check this out.

Victor Yickter?

Poland's number one funny man.

I used to play that for you when you were a baby.

And you'd cry and cry and cry.

I'd laugh and laugh.

Well, I was laughin' at him, not you.

Though you were kinda funny with your puffy red face,

"Waaah, waaaah."

Good times.

Anyway, I want ya to learn from the master.

You should see the bit

where he's standing in a bucket of porridge.

Well, this one doesn't need any help gettin' laughs.

Joke-a-tron , this one.

Imagine how funny he'd be if he was standin' in a bucket.

[laughs]

You're wasting your time here.

You should be out there sharing your gift with the nation,

and English-speaking regions of Europe.

Are you tryin' to get a raise or a day off?

They just keep comin'.

Brent's gonna be on dr*gs.

Why? Because he tells jokes one night a week in the city?

That's all it takes.

He's gone to the city thousands of times

and he's never come home zipped up on goofers.

It's not the city I'm worried about, it's show business.

My cousin played accordion with an all-girls polka band

and now she lives for the bottle.

She was a drunk before that.

Sober people don't join polka bands.

Sorry, I thought you were Brent.

He's an inch taller. What are ya hiding from Brent?

Just a couple of changes I plan to make to this place

when he leaves to pursue showbiz.

You're gonna call it Wandaland?

Well, this one.

Wandworld's in Florida.

HANK: Oh, man.

Hollywood mansions are expensive.

And over , if you want one with a guest house.

Yeah, if you don't mind travelling back in time to .

That was the only L.A. paper the library had.

You guys are delusional.

I wonder how the Wandaland sign will look on the pole out front.

I should get this paper back before they charge me for it.

You guys, I'm just saying this is a tough business,

so don't expect him to be going anywhere anytime soon.

[phone ringing]

Wandaland.

I-I mean Corner Gas.

MAN: Hello. Can I speak to Brent, please?

He's not here. No one's here. Big surprise.

Can I take a message?

Yeah. Could you tell him Kelly called, from the Chuckle Barn.

I have an opening for him on a national tour.

This is how it starts.,

You know, first he goes on tour, and then he moves to Toronto.

Just don't give him the message.

I have to give him the message.

No you don't. Don't say anything.

If you don't tell him, they'll find someone else

and Brent won't leave.

What's goin' on here?

Oh, Karen, hi. Great news.

I found out why we're not making it

into any of Brent's comedy routines.

Why? You're not funny.

But don't worry, I got it figured out.

This is Melissa from the high school drama department.

Now she may look young, but she has excellent comic timing.

Hi.

What's so funny about that?

Look, I am not the one who's unfunny. You're the problem.

Some no-talent from the drama department isn't gonna fix that.

Melissa?

[laughs]

And that's like the fourth time I've seen it.

You know what I find bothersome?

Okay, you know what?

It is perfectly normal for club owners not to call back.

I was just talkin' about this clicking sound in my knee.

[clicking] You hear that?

Yeah, that does sound pretty bad.

Probably too much stand-up.

You should cut back, spend more time sit-downing.

I can't keep this secret anymore. He almost got it outta me.

I never told anyone. So if someone leaked it, it musta been you.

Hey, I never said I leaked it,

I just said it's getting hard not to tell him. Tell him what?

Brent got a call from the Chuckle Barn

and they want him to go on a comedy tour.

Lacey, you never told me that.

Oh, get over it already. Unbelievable. Emma!

The boy has a chance to do somethin' with his life and you wanna squash it.

This is just like the time you b*rned his letter of acceptance from college.

You b*rned that.

Well, someone had to take over the family business.

I just want him to settle down.

Why the hell settle? We never settled.

I'm a paperboy one week, you teach piano the next.

The next week Lacey's a hockey coach,

Wanda's a real estate agent, Hank's an accountant.

The cops have a radio show.

We all try new things.

That was actually well said.

Well, it's about respect.

And I, for one, wanna see Brent up on that stage

standing in a bucket a yogurt. [chuckles]

What's goin' on?

The guy from the Chuckle Barn called.

And, uh, they want you to go on a national tour.

What?

A national tour?

Wow, that's amazing.

I should go call him right now.

What's goin' on?

ALL: Surprise!

We wanted to throw you this party

to wish you well on your comedy tour.

Yeah. And check out our ride.

Wow. That's really nice, you guys,

throwin' me a goin' away party.

I feel a little overwhelmed and touched

and kinda awkward, since I'm not goin' anywhere.

Still, is there cake?

You're not going?

No. I called them back and said "No thanks."

I don't wanna go on the road months at a time

makin' bucks a show, splittin' some fleabag motel room

with a greasy dude I barely know,

who, by the way, is makin' bucks a show.

So, who am I gonna entourage now?

Well, you can still entourage me.

We just entourage around here.

I'm so happy.

What am I supposed to do with my new assistant?

Thanks.

You hired an assistant?

No.

Yes, trial basis.

He's a slow learner, but very keen.

Sorry, Chad, the dream's dead.

Wow, you guys really got on the me-leavin' bandwagon.

Ah, I guess we were all a little eager for change.

You know you're not wearin' pants, right?

I doesn't matter now.

It's not like I'm gonna be in one of your comedy routines.

Guess we won't needin' this anymore.

Well, sorry to Aw.

Except Mom.

I was never planning on doing the tour.

I mean I was flattered and everything, but why would I go

anywhere when everything I like is right here?

And that includes all you guys.

Except you.

I-I don't recognize you.

Fair enough.

Yeah, stand-up is just somethin' I wanted to try.

Now it's on to the next thing,

which is, wrestle a bear, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah.

Actually, I might skip that one, move on to the next thing.

Fly fishing in the Yukon.

I suppose I could do both, if there's a bear by the water.

That's it?

It's just a stupid list.

I didn't burn your acceptance letter from college

so you could just blow this opportunity.

I got accepted into college?

[nervous chuckle]

Hey, why so many questions, huh?

It's a party.

Yeah. Let's celebrate.

To Brent, not doing anything,

not going anywhere.

Not taking offence to that.

ALL: To Brent!

Hey, I saw you at the Chuckle Barn the other night.

You were really funny.

Oh, thanks.

You doin' any other cities?

No, I'm just stickin' around here.

Yeah. Good one. Always on, eh?

Yeah, never a dull moment.

Jackass!

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪