Listen, you're in a privileged position
to learn a thing or two.
Keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open.
Runteldat.
I been through so much,
you know, in my life, so...
I kind of wanted to get back out
and tell my own story.
Maryland, DC, is my hometown,
so I grew up here.
I'm a little man, so you kind of get
the 'little man"complex sometimes.
You feel like you gotta
fight for everything.
You even gotta fight for when the
french fries have been taken from you.
First of all. We would like
to thank God...
who just helping us to see another day
to get up to bring you comedy.
Can you hear
what the f*ck I'm saying?
I'm not saying that all people
in the media are bad.
Some of them do theirjob.
Some of them do the research...
and they report the truth.
Actor and comedian
Martin Lawrence...
was apprehended by Los Angeles
police offiicers yesterday...
after he was discovered in the middle
of one of LA 's most congested streets...
hurling obscenities at passing cars.
The popular television personality
was admitted to a nearby hospital...
by LAPD offiicers
after they subdued him by force.
No one is immune to the trials
and tribulations of life.
No one. We all have ups,
and we all have downs.
I mean, that's just life.
Martin Lawrence's current scrape
with the law...
could be evidence
of Martin's mania.
Something's obviously
gone wrong in this man's head.
I mean, hejust settled
a case out of court...
because he att*cked somebody
with a bottle who was making a toast.
Why? Well, apparently,
he didn't like the phrasing.
Martin's acting like a madman,
and people don't think it's funny.
But other people in the media,
some reporters...
and some tabloids,
they ain't interested in the truth.
All right? They like
to sensationalize bullshit.
You do the math.
From bad boy on the big screen...
to a menace in real life...
how far will Martin's fans go
to stand behind their tarnished hero?
It's easy to fade into obscurity
in Hollywood. Martin better watch out.
If Martin doesn't clean up his act,
he's not gonna be acting anywhere.
- I'm not perfect. I'm only human.
- Important words to live by.
f*ck 'em.
f*ck 'em. Girl. f*ck 'em.
We're all one 'cause we're
all human, you know.
We experience a lot of the same things.
Just as we wake, we sleep.
Just as we live, we die.
That's just life, human nature.
He had a body temperature
registering...
at slightly over
He was, at that time,
in a coma and unresponsive.
f*ck dying.
f*ck dying.
Mama said. "The world is yours.
Don't sleep."
f*ck dying.
After spending
three days in a coma...
Martin Lawrence's condition
is improving.
His eyes will focus on a person.
He can't talk just yet because
we do have a tube down his throat.
But he is alert,
and he is improving.
One of the achievements
I'm most proud of is...
to be where I'm at
in this business today...
after everything
that I've been through.
You know, I can honestly say
I'm blessed.
There's all kind of folks
that was just negative...
when it came to Marty.
- I remember that sh*t.
- Right.
Well. We still here.
and they can run tell that.
Runteldat. n*gg*r.
We've been mashing city to city
for six months...
putting this tour together.
I think doing stand-up comedy...
is one of the hardest things
that somebody could do, you know?
You know, when you get on stage
and you got the microphone...
and thousands of people,
you know...
waiting for you to make 'em laugh,
you got to bring it.
That's why I love it.
You know, it's a challenge.
It's who I am.
Yeah, it's game time.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Martin Lawrence!
Come on!
DC. I love you.
DC. I love you.
I'm home.
I'm home.
I love you so much.
Thank you.
That was...
Hey. What can I say?
You make it all worth it.
What can I say. You know?
This is what it's about.
Thank you.
Oh. Man. And y'all look good.
Everybody's dressed tonight.
Came out. "f*ck it. We going
to see that n*gg*r. f*ck it.
Show him some love."
Well. I had to come out tonight.
I don't know if you just saw the film...
the tape and everything.
I said. "f*ck it. I got to come out
and tell my own story."
I ain't waitin' for the
E! True Hollywood Story to tell my sh*t.
You know what I mean?
f*ck that.
I got to tell my own sh*t.
I see you. Baby.
Hey. How you doin'?
Yeah. Hello. The ladies just screamin'
like a m*therf*cker.
Yeah. Thank you.
I know.
But if you want to scream.
please send your panties up here. Okay?
Just put your number
on your panties...
and I'll get back
according to the smell.
Before I left the hotel. I was watching
something on TV... this lady.
I'm gonna say. If you smoke.
please be careful...
'cause I saw this lady on TV
had a hole in her neck.
It was real bad.
Anybody see that sh*t?
She was smoking the cigarette
with her neck. And she's. Like...
And blowing the O's and sh*t
with her neck.
Did anybody see that?
Please be careful if you smoke.
'Cause that lady had a hole in her neck.
You could see food falling.
When she eat. You could see string beans
and pudding and all that sh*t.
You know?
I bet her breath don't stink.
Her neck probably f*ckin' stink.
huh. Man?
You just put a f*ckin' Altoid
in her neck and sh*t.
If she choke on something. You ain't
gotta worry about the Heimlich.
You just go right in the neck.
Got that.
Yeah. A piece of gristle. Baby.
That's all that was. A piece of gristle.
You got to love a woman
with a hole in her neck. Fellas. You do.
Take her out to eat and sh*t.
Got a hole in her f*ckin' neck.
But you get mad. "Look. g*dd*mn it.
Look at your neck.
What have you got to f*ckin' come to
the restaurant with your neck all out?
Got the f*ckin' maître d'
looking at ya. sh*t. g*dd*mn.
Oh. You couldn't put on
a turtleneck or nothin' tonight?
Couldn't put no mock neck on?
None of that sh*t?"
They say this lady got a man.
I know they be doing some freaky sh*t.
I know he come home.
"Baby...
I want to do something
a little different tonight.
Let me put my d*ck
in your neck.
Oh. That's some good neck there.
That's some good neck there.
f*ck head. I said neck.
I like neck."
Her ass straight to here
and sh*t.
And I'd like to say...
if there's any critics
here tonight...
f*ck you and kiss my ass.
I don't give a sh*t about you.
They're like the scum of the earth
to me. f*ck them.
I can't stand a critic.
My mother don't like me to say
that I hate. But I can't stand 'em.
What the f*ck is a critic anyway? That's
somebody that can't do what you can do...
so they want to criticize your sh*t.
You know what I mean?
Think they authority on some sh*t.
You want to criticize somethin'.
criticize these nuts.
f*ck you.
I don't see you
talkin' about my balls on the news.
"One of Martin's balls
is bigger than the other.
I give that a two star."
Get the f*ck out of here. Man.
But you know what? When I think about
everything that's going on...
Critics are so unimportant to what's
going on with the USA att*cks...
everything that happened here. The
Pentagon and New York. All that stuff.
My heart goes out to families that have
went through all this and lost people.
I feel for 'em.
And it's a sad thing.
It really is a sad thing because...
I'm glad to be an American.
This is the best country in the world.
I can say that. You know.
I wouldn't want to be nowhere else.
but when I seen this sh*t happen...
I think any of us could've been on them
planes and anything that happened...
been in one of them buildings
that they crashed into.
Any-f*ckin'-body in here.
Know what I mean?
If it affects one person.
it affects us all.
And now my nerves are bad.
y'all. After this sh*t.
I got to drink
Milk of Magnesia and sh*t.
Every time before I board a plane.
I don't know what the f*ck's going on.
But out of all this. This is one
of the first times in a long time...
since I don't know when...
This is one of the first times...
I seen black and white people together
on something. Standing for a cause.
It wasn't about race.
It's just about life.
You know what I mean?
Nothin' else but life.
Together on somethin'.
We will get together
and f*ck you up today...
on this USA att*cks.
you know what I mean?
I ain't seen black and white people
together since...
Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney
did "Ebony and Ivory."
So now. If I go to board a plane.
if you like me...
you get nervous as a m*therf*cker.
you see somebody boardin'.
You sit there talking
to your white friend.
"What's up. White boy.
I don't know you...
but we getting on this plane together
and sh*t. Might as well be together.
Who's that m*therf*cker getting
on the plane right there?
You don't know that m*therf*cker?
Oh. sh*t.
Hakbim.
You about to get on
this motherfuckin' plane. Man?
Don't start no motherfuckin' sh*t
when we get on this plane. All right?
I'll punch you
in your motherfuckin' mouth. n*gg*r.
n*gg*r. Don't go for your hands.
Don't move your hands. Hold on.
What you got in your shoes. n*gg*r?
What the f*ck you got in your shoes?
I'm-a tell you. Don't start no sh*t
when we get on this plane. n*gg*r.
I will knock your motherfuckin'
ass the f*ck out. I ain't playin'.
We ain't done sh*t.
Don't start nothin'.
'Cause the white boy can wrestle.
and I can box. m*therf*cker.
He'll tackle your ass.
and I'll punch the f*ck out you.
Don't start no sh*t."
But your nerves is bad
with these USA att*cks and sh*t.
You don't know what's going on.
They lookin' for bin Laden.
They ain't found his ass yet.
How you not find... You blew up all that
sh*t. And you ain't found bin Laden yet?
That m*therf*cker
at a club right now.
What the f*ck is that sh*t about?
Ain't found no bin Laden.
You know why?
'Cause a lot of m*therf*ckers
look like bin Laden.
There's a n*gg*r in McDonald's right now
look just like bin Laden.
Got a high-top fade
and every-f*ckin'-thing.
You walk in that m*therf*cker
to get a cheeseburger...
"Bin Laden! That's bin Laden!
Call the government.
That's motherfuckin' bin Laden.
I know a motherfuckin' bin Laden
when I see...
Call the Taliban. n*gg*r.
That's him."
'Cause they looked. Man.
You can't even find his ass.
I almost f*cked an Indian up
on the way in here.
He said. "No. I Indian. I Indian."
I said. "Pull your turban up. n*gg*r.
Let me see a dot or somethin'.
m*therf*cker.
I'll f*ck your ass up.
Don't start no sh*t.
I'll cr*ck that f*ckin' dot.
Don't start it."
It's just all crazy. What's this sh*t
about you can't open up mail?
What the f*ck is that sh*t?
You can't open up f*ckin' mail?
You open up mail.
you all f*cked up.
What the f*ck is that sh*t?
Can't open mail.
That's probably a good thing
for the bill collectors though.
You know. They call your house.
"Hi. Mr. Lawrence. Yeah.
I sent out a bill
about three weeks ago...
and I haven't received
payment on that.
I was wondering if...
Was there a problem?
Well. Is there a reason
that that's not paid?"
"Ain't you been
watching the news. n*gga?
I can't open it. m*therf*cker.
They got powder
and sh*t in there...
that makes you lose your eyebrows
in 4.2 seconds. m*therf*cker.
You're welcome to bring your ass
over here and open it yourself...
Mr. Bill Man."
It's f*cking crazy. Man. anthr*x.
This sh*t just don't make no sense.
Now. I'll tell you.
life is so short. Y'all.
You know. Please.
just realize that.
You're not promised tomorrow.
you know.
You really ain't.
You're not.
Every day you get a chance to wake up.
you gotta really be grateful.
Most importantly. Be grateful...
and ride this m*therf*cker
till the wheels fall off.
Live your life.
Ride this m*therf*cker
till the wheels fall off.
When it's time to go. You're gone.
f*ck it. You don't owe nobody. f*ck it.
If you do owe 'em. You're gone.
They can't get it.
So now with all that... You know.
that gets you down every now and then.
'Cause you see it every time
you turn on the news and all that.
It's something that's gonna
be with us a long time.
You know. That's just...
for the rest of our lives.
I'm trying to do things
that make me feel good.
Like. I'm watching Cops.
Black people. Come on. Y'all know
we on Cops every f*ckin' week.
Every motherfuckin' week. Cops.
Black people. Starring black people.
We runnin' through the m*therf*cker
with helicopters chasing us and sh*t.
Go to commercial. Come back.
We still runnin' and sh*t.
Runnin' like a m*therf*cker.
You know. Just runnin'
in the f*ckin' street. Man.
But one thing I noticed
on Cops... Is it me?
But white people get away
with a lot of sh*t with the cops.
They talk to the cop.
They talk back like a m*therf*cker.
They cuss their ass out. "What the f*ck
did you pull me over for?
I don't give a sh*t. I want to know
what did you pull me over for.
I didn't f*ckin' do nothin'. assh*le.
You f*ckin' assh*le. You're an assh*le.
You're an assh*le.
and you're a d*ck. Yes.
f*ck that. Man.
You don't pull me over for nothin'.
Yeah. I know I was speeding.
ya f*ck. I'm in a rush.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
You're an assh*le.
And f*ck you.
You're an assh*le.
And you're a d*ck. You know what.
why don't you put your d*ck in your ass?
f*ck you. f*ck you.
My dad's gonna have your ass.
There goes your $5 million
donation. You f*ck.
See your ass in court. Buddy."
They cuss the cops out
like a m*therf*cker.
Black people. We don't
do that sh*t no more.
Ever since that Rodney King
ass-whupping. We shut the f*ck up.
'Cause you never know if that sh*t's
gonna be us on TV tomorrow on tape.
They pull us over. We...
"What's the problem. Officer?
Yes. Was I what?
I was speedin'? Damn.
Where's the light? I didn't even
see me go through the light. Damn it.
Look here. Would you
give me a ticket?
Yeah. Yeah.
'Cause I got to learn.
I got to f*ckin' learn. You know.
Let me give you my full name.
my middle name.
Let me spell that for you and stuff."
We only that nice 'cause we know
we got some sh*t under the seat.
Who knows what that is?
But...
Latinos. They act like
they ain't from this country.
They don't speak their English
when they get pulled over...
till they see that ticket price.
They get pulled over.
"No. No. What I do? I don't know.
I don't know what I do.
Speedy Gonzalez?
Was I caught speeding?
Don't know."
They see that ticket.
"m*therf*cker. This is bullshit!"
But I talk about watching
positive programs. You know.
I joke about the cop sh*t. 'cause
ain't nothin' positive about that...
gettin' arrested.
I'll tell you that.
But a program that is positive.
if you ever get a chance to see it...
it's called Eye on the Prize.
This program will make you cry.
you know. I'm serious.
If you ever seen it. You've seen that.
It's a beautiful thing.
I'll tell you.
I love America.
This is the best country in the world.
I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
But I'm a black man.
and I ain't forgot...
what the f*ck we. As black people.
have been through in America.
You know what I mean?
We ain't gonna just
act like sh*t is all right...
but we gonna work towards change.
to make it better.
That's what people... in this
Eye on the Prize... have done for us.
They put their lives out there
so that we can be in the forefront...
so that we can better ourselves.
Isn't that beautiful. When you
look at Eye on the Prize...
when you think of segregation
and civil rights and all those things?
When I was watching Eye on the Prize,
you had Martin Luther King...
you know.
great man in history...
Malcolm X... great man in history...
standing up for us...
so that we could sit together.
blacks and whites.
Work together. Freedom!
Grow together. That's beautiful.
Martin said...
"Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
We shall overcome.
I've been to the mountaintop.
Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
Malcolm said. "Yeah.
but by any means necessary."
Martin said.
"Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
"By any means necessary."
Martin and Malcolm
were saying the same thing.
They just had different opinions
and different approaches to it.
I thought that was beautiful.
I said. "That's all right."
But then one day I was watchin'.
and Martin Luther King...
And I'm named after Martin.
I was proud. Martin!
I watched him
go through Birmingham. Alabama.
And this r*cist white boy
picked up a rock...
you know. Like a half a boulder
or some sh*t.
He pitched that m*therf*cker like he
was pitchin' for the Orioles...
and hit Martin in his head.
And all Martin did was say.
"Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
Don't nobody do nothin'.
Nonviolent. Nonviolent.
My head's bleeding right now.
Don't nobody do nothin'.
We shall overcome.
I've been to the mountaintop. I'm
having a dream right now. Nonviolent.
Nonviolent. Nonviolent."
I was proud. I said. "Damn.
That takes a strong man
to get hit in the head...
with a half a boulder
and still say 'nonviolent. ' Damn!"
But if you're like me...
then one time you would have
loved to hear Martin say...
"Another one of you m*therf*ckers
hit me with a rock...
I'll b*at your bitch ass.
you m*therf*cker.
f*ck that. Coretta.
These n*gg*r*s think I'm soft.
Let me show you how Martin
get down. m*therf*cker.
This is how Martin get down."
I know he got on his boys.
I know he was here and said. "Jesse.
Damn it. Jesse. You seen
who threw that f*ckin' rock. Jesse.
Get off your ass
and go handle that.
Stop chasing them ho's. Jesse."
Can I get a little water?
I gotta ask y'all.
There's predominantly
black people in here.
They don't want you to pause
in no show.
"Come on. Hurry up."
Somebody put something in his mouth.
My zipper's stuck. Y'all.
I warned you.
Watch your mouth now.
Don't forget who the original
DefJam host was. m*therf*cker.
I know I'm gettin' old.
Thirty-six. Man.
You know. Gettin' older. Yeah.
You don't do the same things
you do when you get older.
I want to grow old gracefully.
Gettin' old ain't no joke.
It's. Like. You know. When you
see older people... old people...
you gotta really show 'em
some respect and love...
'cause there's
a lot of wisdom there.
They're livin' their life.
They got seniority here in this life.
You gotta show 'em
some love. Man.
I know when I get old...
That's why I said until that point...
I'm gonna ride this m*therf*cker
till the wheels fall off.
Live your life. I'm sure that's what
an old person will tell you.
You think about it. You look around.
This is just a body of life right here.
You got some young.
You got some old and everything.
Just look around. That's what it is.
It goes in a cycle.
You go young. Old. Old. Young.
Young. Old. And that's it.
That's about f*ckin' it.
Think about it.
The sh*t just recycles itself.
Like. The same things happen.
When you're a baby.
you got one tooth.
When you get old...
you got one motherfuckin' tooth
just hanging on. Just...
And that m*therf*cker
fragiler than a m*therf*cker.
You gotta cut the apple
to eat the sh*t. You know.
When you're a baby...
you know what I mean.
you wear diapers.
When you get old. You got
motherfuckin' adult Pampers on.
When you're a baby.
you're in that little walker...
trying to strengthen your legs.
tryin' to walk.
When you get old. You're in
that metal motherfuckin' walker.
You got one patch of hair
when you're a baby.
You got a patch of f*ckin' hair
when you're old.
You try to cornrow
that m*therf*cker.
Tryin' to hang on to
what little hip-hop you got left.
It's just a cycle that goes like that.
That's all it is. A cycle.
When I get old... I don't give a f*ck...
don't do me no favors.
Leave me at home.
Let me watch the birds. Like I said.
Don't be taking me
to no m*therf*cking game.
"Martin would want to go
to the basketball game."
They'd take me to the game
and then announce me.
"Ladies and gentlemen. We got
Martin Lawrence in the house."
I'm older than a m*therf*cker.
All they do is sit you up front
and exploit the f*ck out you.
Got the camera
all in your face and sh*t.
You sittin' there. Can't even
follow the basketball game and sh*t.
You down here. They playin'
down this m*therf*cker.
Catch you falling asleep and sh*t.
Don't put me at no motherfuckin'
game and sit me up front...
puttin' an old-ass
Washington Wizard hat on me.
With Jordan's signature
on the m*therf*cker.
Talk about...
"How's he like the game?"
"He says it's wonderful."
I ain't said sh*t.
I said. "Get my ass home.
I don't want to do sh*t. I'm chillin'."
I'll tell you. The beauty of getting old
is that you do things differently.
Know what I mean? Even your dancin'
changes when you get older.
Young people. They go
do all the wild stuff.
Old people don't do that. They keep it
in one place. "All right. Now.
That's what
I'm talking about right there.
Yeah. Ain't gonna do
too much more than this here tonight.
That's right. Ain't gonna have me
winded out this m*therf*cker all night.
I got about
two more dips in me now.
One dip. All right.
That's it. That's it.
One more dip. I'm done.
sh*t. I'm tired. I ain't gonna be
doin' that sh*t all night.
You tryin' to k*ll
a m*therf*cker."
There's a dance out right now.
A lot of people like this dance.
It's like the... What is it?
It's like the Electric Slide...
but it's not quite
the Electric Slide.
The cha-cha?
Yeah. I can't stand
that f*ckin' dance.
That's a easy f*ckin' dance. Y'all.
You know that dance is easy as sh*t.
Come on. "Two to the right.
One to the left.
Stop. Think about it."
Get the f*ck out of here
with that sh*t.
"Take your leg like this here.
Do your arm like this.
Stop. Think about it."
That bullshit.
I know the f*ckin' ghetto Hokey Pokey
when I hear that sh*t.
You know what I mean?
"Do your hip like this one time.
Now keep doing
your hip like this."
Get the f*ck outta here.
I respect a brother's hustle.
but that's bullshit. Man.
That sh*t easy.
You know. The thing about gettin' old.
I'll tell you. Gettin' older is like...
If you have good kids
and you raise good kids...
your children will take care of you
when you're older.
Yeah. That's true.
That's a beautiful thing.
That's what you want.
You want to raise good kids.
I have two beautiful daughters.
And I'm proud of them.
I love them. Thank you.
But you get... Kids will take...
Good kids will take care of you.
But you know them badass kids like
the motherfuckin' Menendez brothers...
you gotta whup their ass. Man.
them little badass kids.
If you don't get them bad kids when
they're young. They will f*ck you up.
That's how them brothers did that sh*t
to their mother and father.
They ought to have
their ass kicked.
I don't like them
badass kids. I tell you.
You gotta get 'em early.
'cause if you don't...
them m*therf*ckers will
put you in time-out.
They will say. "Get your ass
in time-out. Dad.
Get your f*cking time-out. Dad!"
"g*dd*mn. What did
I do there. Dave?
I don't know what the f*ck I did wrong.
What did I do?"
"Just shut the f*ck up
and get a time-out!"
You know what I mean?
Telling you sh*t like...
"Don't touch my Twinkies
in the fridge. m*therf*cker.
I'll be home about 9:00."
'Cause they get all tall and lanky.
and they bigger than you and sh*t.
Then they think they run you.
They try to run the phone
that you pay the bill on.
"Hang the motherfuckin'
phone up. Dad!
Hang the motherfuckin'
phone up. Dad!
I'm on the phone talkin'
to my homies. n*gg*r!"
sh*t! You gotta get
their little ass. Man.
You gotta let them know.
You gotta put fear in their heart.
"I'm the parent. You ever raise up
on me... I don't play that sh*t."
They gotta fear you
for the rest of their life...
if they don't fear
no-f*cking-body else.
That is yours.
You gotta make 'em know.
You gotta make 'em understand.
Don't play with Daddy.
Don't play with Mama.
But you know what started
some of that sh*t is that time-out.
White people. Y'all started that.
I ain't pickin' on you.
But that time-out sh*t?
Uh-uh! Ain't gonna work.
You know. I seen this
white kid tell his mother...
"f*ck you. Mommy. You ho. You bitch.
You ho. You bitch."
All she said was.
"Bobby. Go to time-out.
Go to time-out. Bobby.
You have some emotional issues
that you need to deal with.
Go to time-out."
And all the way to time-out.
he sang this sh*t.
You ho, you bitch
You bitch, you ho
Putting mixes on it.
Bitch, bitch ho
All my b*tches
Say ho
sh*t! You don't tell
no black parent that sh*t.
f*ck you, you ho
You bi...
Take time-out.
Pick up your teeth.
Take time-out.
Pick up your wisdoms.
Take time and get my foot
up out your ass.
f*ck the time-out.
That sh*t don't work.
I know what happens is you're scared
to discipline your child...
'cause now there's a law
that says you can get arrested...
if you whup your child's ass.
Hey. Whup your child's ass...
if they act up.
If they're showing off...
If they're showing off.
that's when you whup their ass.
Hey. Iook. I got a lot of ass-whuppings.
and look at me now.
But you gotta... If they're showing off.
you gotta tear their ass up.
You can't even be
trippin' on that.
You gotta do
what you gotta do.
I understand
what the law's saying.
You can't be in the street fighting them
like you're in a real fight.
Talkin' about.
"Come on. f*ck that.
You're gonna eat
your Rice Krispies.
You're gonna eat
your Rice Krispies."
I understand that sh*t.
But you know what you gotta do?
You gotta learn how to hit 'em quick
and then walk 'em to the car.
You gotta...
Then walk 'em to the car.
"Hi. Officer. Yeah.
Oh. No. Just out taking
a stroll. That's all.
Yeah. Okeydokey.
Get your ass in there!"
You're driving and sh*t.
hit him with the seat buckle.
"Shut up!
Never f*ckin' embarrass me in public.
You like to got my ass arrested.
I'll f*ck you up!"
sh*t. That's why
you gotta get 'em.
You gotta scare them.
They could be babies.
Little infants. Little newborns.
You gotta let 'em know.
Instill that fear that you the parent.
You gotta instill
that sh*t in them!
You go to their m*therf*cking crib
and wake their ass up.
"What's up. You little m*therf*cker?
What's up?
Wake your little ass up.
little n*gg*r.
Let me tell you something.
This Daddy here. m*therf*cker.
You ever raise up on me. I will knock
your m*therf*cking ass the f*ck out!
Don't play with me!
This Daddy. n*gg*r!"
You gotta catch 'em when
they're coming out the p*ssy.
"What up.
you little m*therf*cker?
This Daddy. n*gg*r!
This Da...
Get your little ass here!
Get off...
Get off the umbilical cord!
Get the f*ck off!
Let me tell you something. I will
knock your m*therf*cking ass out!
Don't play with me!
Don't come here.
start no sh*t!
Don't come here.
start no sh*t!"
Best believe. That's the gift
that keeps on giving.
When they 18. 19.
go to them clubs and sh*t...
partying with their friends.
forgetting everything.
They don't know nothing.
Send a prerecorded tape to the DJ.
"Get your little m*therf*cking
ass home! n*gg*r. Get home now!"
"Oh. sh*t! I gotta go!
Oh. God! My dad's in here!
Who mixed him with Tupac?
Who mixed him with Tupac?
Oh. sh*t!"
Get 'em!
Like I said. That's the gift
that just keeps on giving.
But that's what it's about. Man.
And those are the bad kids.
But you got good kids.
It starts even in the...
in the delivery room...
like when. You know.
the ladies are giving birth.
And I commend you. Ladies. That's
a wonderful thing. Woman. That you do.
I commend you.
To be able to do that is...
It's beautiful.
'Cause I know. Men.
we couldn't do it.
If we had to have babies.
there'd be one m*therf*cker in here.
But ladies go through that.
and the strength of a woman. Man. Wow!
It's a wonderful thing.
It's beautiful when you see that.
You're getting ready to have the baby.
and the baby's in there.
You gotta be strong. Secure and know
everything's gonna be all right.
'Cause if it's not.
it'll f*ck you up.
You stand there
with the nurse and sh*t looking.
She in the hospital
about to deliver that thing.
You're with the nurse.
"Is she gonna be all right?
'Cause she seems like
she in a lot of pain."
The nurse calming you down.
You got the doctor over there.
Then all of a sudden. The baby
start coming out. And you go...
"Oh. sh*t!
Oh. God! Oh!
Look at the head on that
little m*therf*cker! Oh. Man!
Look at the f*ckin'
circumference on his head!
Oh. sh*t!
He's tearing up the p*ssy!
That was my fit!
That was my fit!
Oh. f*ck!
Now look at that sh*t!
All these years
I look for that woman...
I found her. And now
the fit is all f*cked up!
I don't know!
Talk to the doctor.
Nothing. Baby. You're doing good.
You're doing real good.
We're just talking about how.
just how well you're doing.
Damn it. Iook how big
that f*cking hole is.
Well. You tell me. Nurse.
what am I supposed... Look at that hole!
I can't follow that.
What the f*ck am I supposed to do.
f*ck her with my knee?
Huh? Do some sh*t
like this here?
What is that sh*t?
Oh. sh*t.
What the f*ck is that big-ass. Twisty.
tied-up baby hanging on?
Oh. God. It looks like a...
Oh. That's the umbilical...
Okay.
Oh. God. Oh. sh*t!
I'm nauseous.
Oh. God.
Oh. My God.
What is that f*ckin' chitlin bag
hanging out the p*ssy?
That's a big-ass chitlin bag.
Looks like
a f*ckin' gizzard bag.
Hold up. Now I'm confused.
Is she a woman.
or is she a f*cking turkey?
What the hell is that?"
And then...
And the baby's born.
And then you ain't
as nauseous no more...
'cause you just saw the strength
of a woman. And it turned you on.
You walk up to her.
and the doctor clears out and stuff.
Takes off all his surgical stuff.
You pass him. Damn near passing out.
Talking about.
"I don't know how you do it."
And you come up to her
and say. "Damn. Girl.
You did it. Baby.
Yeah. You did it. You know.
You somethin'.
Yeah. I'll get you some ice chips.
Hold on. Here's some ice chips.
Okay. Yeah. You did it.
I appreciate you. Girl. Yeah."
And you're lookin' at her and stuff.
and you look at the baby.
And you're lookin' at her and stuff.
and you look at the baby.
You say. "Yeah. That's us.
We did that.
It's hard to believe that the night
I had your legs on the chandelier...
that's what we got.
Yeah. Wow. Wow. Baby.
I'm gonna let you get some rest.
all right? I love you.
I'm gonna let you get some rest.
I'll be back.
Okay. All right."
So you start walking out.
and it hits you.
The strength of woman.
that's a sexy f*ckin' thing.
You look back at her.
She's so sexy to you now. You're
ready to make another one again.
Your d*ck start gettin' hard.
and you're looking at her.
You say. "That sh*t turned me on
like a m*therf*cker."
But you can't get no p*ssy
for six weeks.
So now you walking around.
walking around.
You're in the house by yourself. You gotta
go back to the hospital to check on her...
or you stay in the hospital
in another room.
Keep holding your meat in your hand.
You don't wanna b*at your meat.
Then you go back down there. And you
check on her a little bit and stuff.
You say.
"Hey. You all right?
Yeah. So it's been a couple
of weeks now. Girl.
Yeah. The doctor say he put
the dissolve stitches in.
He said that there is a chance they
could dissolve before six weeks is up.
Okay. Well. Let me take a look there.
Let me take a look.
Open up. Open your legs.
Does it hurt
when I do like that there?
So you don't feel this at all
right here. Like that there?
You don't feel that?
You don't feel that at all?
I'll wait. sh*t!"
Then you can't get titty
for. Like. A year.
Ayear you can't get titty?
How long. Ladies. Is it exactly
that you can breast-feed?
- Five years!
- Somebody say five years?
Five years? Oh. sh*t.
That ain't breast-feeding.
That's incest.
You're walking around
with a grown person on your titty.
"He's just a little big
for his age."
That m*therf*cker draggin' his feet.
sucking titty.
f*ck that.
Man. You can't get no titty
for that long. A year. Whatever. Man?
That's hard.
'cause I'm a titty man.
Ooh. I love the titty.
Mm-hmm. It's all right to applaud
the titties. It's all right.
I don't give a f*ck
what size the titties are.
They could be big titties.
Just give me a day to work on them.
'Cause I like to
detail a titty real nice.
You know what I mean?
Oh. I like titties.
Big titties. Small titties...
big nipple titties
or small nipple titties.
You know.
it can't just be a nipple.
Okay? Cause I don't want to feel like
I'm kissing on Earl or sh*t like that.
But there gotta be a little cushion
up under that nip.
Just a little cushion up under the nip.
then we be all right.
I don't give a damn.
They could be saggy titties...
titties that hang to this side...
titties that hang to that side...
titties that hang over
the f*cking back.
The ones that get smushy
when you put your finger in 'em...
and you take your hand off. They still
got fingerprints in the m*therf*cker.
Stretch mark titties.
I don't give a damn.
I lick between the lines.
Like a stamp.
I likes a titty.
And when you can't get that titty.
you miss it...
'cause the baby
got the titty on lockdown.
Baby at home...
And you see your wife
or your lady laying in the bed.
You see the baby on one titty and you...
"Damn. Why can't I get some of the tit?"
You know there's an extra titty.
You're like.
"I want some. I want some."
You try to ease over there. Get
a little lick of the titty that's open.
"No. Don't do that!"
"sh*t. It's a free titty."
"Don't do that!
It's for the baby.
I gotta switch the baby over."
You're looking. Like. "Damn!"
You try to make up excuses.
"sh*t. I got stronger jaws. I'm trying
to help suck the milk up for the baby."
"You've been drinking.
haven't you?
Don't do that.
You'll get alcohol on the titty.
You're gonna get the baby drunk.
Don't do that."
And the baby make the titty
look good. Don't they?
Babies show you
what titty's all about.
Babies...
And they look at you
and roll their eyes.
They will f*ckin' show you
what a titty is all about. Man.
Those are some of the things you
go through. Man. In this here life.
Round of applause.
all the couples that are married.
Well. Congratulations
to all four of you.
Now. I used to...
I used to be married.
I'm not married no more. We got
a divorce. It just didn't work out.
But it's hard...
You know. When you...
When you say. "I will marry you"
or "Will you marry me?"
that's like saying.
"Oh. sh*t!"
That's why they line you up
like fighters and sh*t.
And guys be looking
at each other. Going...
"You know. When I finish
announcing these vows...
come out swingin'
like a m*therf*cker...
'cause it's gonna be
a barn burner."
But all this sh*t happens at first.
getting ready for the ceremony.
And then you gotta
fill out paperwork...
like if you feel as though
you have something...
that you want to be exclusively yours.
you gotta fill out IOU's.
I'm sorry.
I meant "prenuptials."
That's some hard sh*t. To tell
somebody that you love 'em...
and then the prenuptial comes into play.
but I guess it is what it is.
But a person will do that.
"You know. I love you.
"We about to do
this thing. Girl.
Yeah. Yeah.
We about to get married.
I'm so proud of you.
So glad we can make this happen.
Yeah. You know. What
excites me about this...
is that. For the rest of our lives.
we're gonna be together.
And. You know. That can't
be changed. You know.
And your world. You know.
is gonna be joined with my world.
My world joined
with your world.
And that's a beautiful thing.
We're gonna have one big world.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
I love you too. Yeah.
I need you to fill out
this paper that say...
Yeah. I just need you
to sign this here.
It say if your world
f*ck up my world. Okay...
you don't get sh*t
out of my world. Okay?
You just go the f*ck on back
to your world."
That's a hard thing to do
with them prenups and stuff.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you believe in the prenuptials?
Okay. Wow!
Y'all believe in that.
Wow. Who don't believe in it?
Overruled. Overruled!
I see you say. "Uh-uh."
You don't believe in that.
That's cool. That's cool 'cause
you believe that if it's love...
let it be pure
and just roll with that...
and let the heart take over
and see what happens.
That's a beautiful thing.
That's a beautiful thing.
So let me ask you...
This is hypothetically speaking here.
Let's say we was getting married
or some sh*t. Right?
This is hypothetical. Okay?
And coming into the marriage.
going in...
I got 400 million.
let's say.
And that's what
I'm coming in with...
and... you comin' in with a bag.
You still think you should
get some of that 400 mil?
- Half and half.
- Yeah. You be leaving.
"Damn. That's f*cked up.
You could put something
in this bag."
I guess I can't answer that.
I guess to each his own.
Fellas. I don't know.
I ain't no doctor.
I ain't no psychologist.
But I'm gonna tell you like this.
If a woman tell you she a virgin
and you gettin' ready to marry her...
test that p*ssy out
before you marry her.
That's just the way it goes.
Don't do it.
Don't get into it.
and then it ain't what you want.
You never know.
You gotta test that p*ssy out.
'Cause if you marry 'em
and then get it...
and wind up falling in the p*ssy.
you'd be. "Oh. sh*t!"
You'd be in the land of Oz
out that m*therf*cker.
"Where the f*ck am I?
Is this fallopian? Is this fallopian?"
So you gotta test it out.
It's just like you test-drive
a car or something.
You take a car around the corner.
bring it back to the dealer...
"Naw. I ain't gonna be able
to get this. Cuz.
Yeah. Naw. Naw. Naw. Naw.
f*ck that. Dude.
The wheels. They don't rotate right
on this m*therf*cker."
Test it out. If you don't check
before you get married. f*ck around...
wind up marrying
a hermaphrodite.
That's right. You thought
that was a big-ass clit.
Turned out to be a d*ck.
Now you f*cked up.
You're..."Oh. sh*t."
Can't talk to your boys and sh*t.
"What's up. Dog?"
"I married somebody with a f*ckin' d*ck
I thought was a clit."
You don't want to do that.
Clit so big.
it looked like a thumb.
So check it out.
Ain't nothin' wrong with that.
Ladies. The same with you.
Don't marry no man that you
don't know what you gettin'.
Yeah. You gotta marry that man.
you gonna know what you gettin'.
'Cause if not.
you marry him and don't know...
you gonna be a bitter housewife on the
phone with your girlfriend. Crying...
"You ain't gonna believe
this sh*t. Girl.
Damn it. You ain't gonna
believe this sh*t. Girl!
This m*therf*cker
can't do nothin'. Girl.
The best thing about it
was the ceremony. Girl.
Ah. sh*t!
He noodle d*ck. Girl."
You don't want
to go through that.
That's why what you do...
you tell the man...
You grab him. Iook at it.
Look at the d*ck.
Grab it in your hand. Look at it.
You know what I mean?
Hold it. Become the d*ck.
And look at it.
Look on the head.
Look on the sides.
Look up under the balls.
Look at it and ask questions.
"What's those two bumps
right there?
What's those two bumps
on your helmet?
Well. Have you tried putting
Mercurochrome on that?
No. You haven't. Huh?
Okay.
Why you got a boil
up under your balls?
That is a boil. Okay?
That is not a hair bump.
That is a boil.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Hold up. Wait.
f*ck this.
Hold on. Wait.
Okay. Now you got a boil...
two balls and two bumps?
Uh-uh. I ain't gonna be
able to do it.
No. I ain't gonna
be able to do it.
I am not marrying
no Nutty Buddy.
I'm not gonna be able to do it.
That is too many bumps
on one d*ck. Uh-uh.
d*ck look like a Crunch Bar.
I'm sorry. I just...
I can't do it. I won't do it.
I just won't."
Talk and communicate...
so you know these things.
And so you check... You know what
you're getting and you can be happy.
Make him get butt naked.
Tell your man. "Butt naked."
Tell him to line up right.
Look at him.
Make sure the d*ck
is in line right.
Make sure it's straight.
Make sure. Okay?
If you don't do that. You'll wind
up marrying a m*therf*cker...
with a hook in his d*ck.
Gotta f*ck you like this.
You don't want that.
You don't need that pressure.
You should not have to go around
the corner every time he wants to f*ck.
"It's just better for my balance.
I got you. You feel me now?
You feel me now. Don't you?
You feel me?"
Chasing you
around the room and sh*t.
So please. Check all those things.
And then when you're ready
to get married. You get married.
And you're ready
for the ceremony.
Ladies love them ceremonies.
Don't you. Ladies?
You love to invite people you love
and people you hate.
And look at them women that's looking
at you going. "Look at me. Bitch.
Look how I float. Bitch."
And ladies love
to wear that white.
With the veil
and wear that white.
'Cause white
stands for pure.
White. Pure. White.
Come on!
Some of y'all need to be
wearing dark black.
Tease 'em taupe.
Sneaky salmon.
Money green.
All that sh*t.
Talkin' about wearing white...
knowing they done
f*cked the usher last week.
Come on. Now. Wear your color.
That's all I ask.
Wear your color.
Marriage. Man.
It's hard. It ain't easy.
I'll tell you.
One thing I did come to learn.
A lot of people that are married.
you know. Either...
Someone in the marriage
either smokes herb or drinks.
"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
That's some true sh*t. Ain't it?
I got some partners. "Yeah. Yeah.
I got to go home to the wife. Yo.
She get on my nerves every time
I go in that motherfuckin' door.
Yeah. Yeah.
Roll me one of them blunts. Joe.
Roll me one of them m*therf*ckers.
Yeah. Make that a fat one. Man.
When I smoke that sh*t. Man. That
bitch look like Janet Jackson. n*gg*r."
Or they drink. If you check all
the bars. They're mostly married men.
Just look at it. They're mostly married.
and they in there dreading going home.
They in the bar.
"Oh. sh*t.
Make me another drink. Earl.
Oh. God. I got to go home to the wife.
Yeah. I don't know. Earl.
You know what? Make it a double.
She wants to f*ck tonight. Oh. God.
Well. Here's to her. Oh. God."
They go in the house. "Honey. I'm home."
They start drinking some more.
The in-house drunk
is a motherfuck...
'cause he says things
when he gets drinkin'...
and once that alcohol hits his system...
that he probably
is just out of order for sayin'.
But he don't realize it
'cause he's so drunk. And now...
that liquor taps into his emotions.
and he starts tellin' this woman...
everything he's been wantin'
to say when he was sober.
But he don't have the courage
to say it when he's sober...
and he says it when he's drunk.
"Darlin'. Do me a favor.
will you? Mm-hmm.
Yes. Baby. It's so good.
I'm glad I'm home. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I think about you all day.
Mm-hmm. I'm glad.
Do me a favor. Never mind all that.
Would you make me a drink. Darlin'?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Just a little Courvoisier.
Put a little something in that glass
for me right there. Darlin'.
Thank you so much. Baby.
Yeah. That's good Courvoisier.
Make you say yea.
Darlin'. Put a couple of cubes of ice
in there. Cut that warmth off for me.
Thank you. Baby.
Mm-hmm.
That is a good drink there!
That is a good drink there!
That's my drink there.
That is my drink.
...:::Lord Sadler:::...
lordsadler2012@gmail.com
Can I ask you something?
When the f*ck
you gonna grow your hair back?
I'm tired. Yes. I said.
Yes. Tired.
Uh-huh. You're a bald-headed
little m*therf*cker.
You told me
you was gettin' the...
the Halle Berry look.
Halle Berry don't look
like that.
I feel like you set me up.
m*therf*cker.
I don't give a sh*t.
Darlin'. Put one more cube
of ice in there for me.
Cut that warmth.
Thank you. Doll.
That was good.
Can I ask you something?
How is it you got more motherfuckin'
shavin' bumps than me?
How you got more?
How is it you got more?
I don't give a f*ck.
I don't give a f*ck.
Every week. You tellin' me...
you gonna
get your lip waxed.
You might as well just let 'em
take the whole lip.
'Cause that sh*t
sitting out there like Sasquatch.
f*ck that. f*ck that.
If I wanted to marry Scottie
from the Whisper Bitch...
I would've married him.
m*therf*cker. f*ck that.
f*ck that. I said it. Huh?
That's because I feel bad
about it. Girl. Okay?
I said. 'Okay? '
Okay? You didn't
talk to me about it.
When you first gained
five pounds...
that was cute.
I'm-a admit. I'm-a admit that. Okay?
That was cute.
But 75 pounds? g*dd*mn!
What kind of f*ckin' fool
you take me for?
My motherfuckin' ankles
is still swollen...
from the last time
we toyed around.
Look at you.
Oh. God. Look at you.
That is a good drink there.
I remember when I met you.
You was a 115 tender bone.
Yes. You was.
You was the finest thing
my eyes ever seen.
You was a round-the-way girl.
Now you just a big bitch
from up the street.
g*dd*mn! Huh?
m*therf*cker!
I don't give a damn.
Don't give a damn.
And I don't like your mother
and your family.
I don't like
none of you m*therf*ckers.
Every year... Every year
we gotta do the family thing.
Everybody brings potluck.
f*ck that! None of you
m*therf*ckers can cook.
And your mother... Tell her to
stay the f*ck out of my face.
Always in my face.
'How was my macaroni and cheese? '
It's f*cked up. Bitch!
Don't nobody put pasteurized cheese
in macaroni and cheese.
You got to use cheddar.
Cheddar's what you use.
My mama taught me that.
I don't care!
I'm looking at you.
and I can't imagine it.
There should be a clause
in my contract that says...
if your ass gets bigger than
what you weighed in when we married...
I don't have to f*ck with you.
f*ck it. Be a man.
You was... When I first met you...
Darlin'. I'm gonna say this.
You were looking good from afar.
Now you're just far
from looking good.
I don't like you...
and you don't like me. Okay?
I'm taking karate every day!
I'm taking kung fu.
I'm taking jujitsu.
I'm taking all the martial arts.
I'm trying to master that sh*t...
so I can figure out how to
choke the f*cking life out your ass...
without them tracing it
back to forensics...
you big bitch. You.
You know what?
Let me put this drink down
before I say some sh*t I shouldn't say."
Wow. But you know the ladies ain't
gonna let you get away with that sh*t.
You gonna pay the price for that.
You know what I mean?
'Cause she will wake your ass up.
cuss you out..."f*ck you! Get your ass up!"
You wake up and you don't even know
why you're up or what happened.
"What's the problem?" "You know what
the problem is. You dirty bastard!
I got big 'cause I don't
want your ass. m*therf*cker.
You're so ugly.
you look like we got a dog.
That's what the neighbors think.
you bastard."
They get angry.
They will take it in. And they will be quiet
and let you talk sh*t and all that...
but they getting you back.
If you ever wake up sore...
I mean. Really f*cked up. Hurtin'...
nine times out of ten you got
your ass whupped in your sleep.
And the only reason why you didn't
wake up is 'cause you was out.
That liquor had your ass out.
They running through
the motherfuckin' house...
You wake up the next day...
"My neck!
My m*therf*cking neck!
I don't know what's wrong with me!
I don't know what's wrong...
This morning...
What's wrong with me?"
She just gonna look at you...
"Maybe you should stop
drinking Courvoisier."
Be careful. Man.
That sh*t can happen.
I don't know if you guys
saw the film.
It kind of highlighted my life.
You know. Through it all...
I come to learn
what I got to do in my life...
What we all gotta do in our life is ride
this m*therf*cker till the wheels fall off.
We gotta live.
Ride it till the wheels fall off.
You might have looked at the tape.
It said one day I was...
I was out in the street.
This is some sh*t they said about...
They had it highlighted.
They said I was
out in the street...
and I was yelling stuff
out in the street and doing stuff.
Listen. Y'all.
I was married at the time.
Now. I'm not blaming that
for that. Okay?
But. Okay. At the time...
I'm gonna tell you what happened.
'Cause that's how they
put their story down. Okay?
I'm gonna tell it.
But that's how they do theirs.
But. See. L...
The day that all that went down...
I'm gonna tell it.
The day that all that went down...
I was married. And the wife asked me to
go to the store to get something to eat.
And being the good husband that I am.
I said. "Sure. I'll go."
Now that I think about it.
I don't know why I was out there...
getting something to eat
at McDonald's...
when. As hard as I work. I should've
had a home-cooked f*ckin' meal.
You know?
But then again...
I should've asked that question
that day.
So I go out in the street...
and I go to run across the street...
I was trying to catch the light.
I go to run
across the street and...
because how the light changed. I got
caught in the middle of the street.
Next thing I know.
they got firemen. They got ambulance...
they got the police. Everybody out
there with g*ns... all of'em had g*ns...
just because I tried to
run across the street.
No. I'm f*cking with you.
I was higher than a m*therf*cker. Y'all.
I was high as sh*t!
Oh. My f*ckin' goodness!
Oh!
I was smokin' that ooh-wee!
That sh*t done had me
all lunch-box.
I should have known
something was wrong.
I start blazin' that sh*t.
and I knew I started seeing blue smoke...
but the sh*t didn't hit me
till I'm walking in the street.
Some sh*t said.
"Run real fast right now."
f*ckin' runnin' in the street!
f*ckin' with the ooh-wee!
I'm running like crazy.
What kind of sh*t
has the dope man sold me?
I'm in that m*therf*cker just
ducking cars. f*cking with the cars...
jumping out the way.
f*cking with the cars and sh*t.
Next thing you know.
the m*therf*cking...
police and firemen
and the ambulance...
"Mr. Lawrence. Son. What's wrong?
Calm down!"
And I'm up there looking at them.
all crazy.
They looking at me.
I'm looking at them.
I start singing...
How come I feel like
Somebody's watching me
I start singing Rockwell
up in that m*therf*cker.
I said. "That dope man
done sold me the ooh-wee."
Oh. sh*t.
I seen all of them. And I thought
my audience had changed...
so I start performing for 'em.
dancing and sh*t.
Lunchin'.
Lunchin'!
f*ckin' with that ooh-wee. Man.
My damn...
My arm hit my jacket...
and my jacket flew open.
And they gonna say I had a g*n
'cause my jacket...
I did have a g*n.
That's true. I did.
But I ain't have it
to hurt nobody.
I just have it 'cause I'm by myself.
I didn't know if somebody would jump me.
Bang-bang-bang-bang.
Trigger tai chi.
I didn't know. You know.
But I wasn't trying
to hurt nobody.
Next thing you know...
when they saw that g*n.
these m*therf*ckers loaded up.
Every one of them... the firemen.
ambulance. Everybody pulled out g*ns.
Yes. Sir. And I heard somebody yell.
"n*gg*r with g*n! n*gg*r with g*n!"
They got ready to fire.
I passed out like a m*therf*cker.
Somebody done f*cked around
and sold me the ooh-wee.
I passed the f*ck out. Y'all.
And I'm on the motherfuckin'...
I wake up. I don't know.
ten minutes. Fifteen...
I wasn't countin' time.
And they had me on a gurney...
with cameramen and everybody
in my f*ckin' face...
flashing pictures
for y'all to see on the news.
Then they put me in a...
in a paddy wagon...
slash-ambulance.
They want to show
that they cared...
but I'm lunchin'. So they're gonna
take me to jail or some sh*t.
So they're ready to take me to jail.
but I'm in there talking sh*t...
singing on the bed. Or the gurney.
laying there singing sh*t.
That just didn't sound right..."We're
gonna have to take you to the precinct."
And I'm lunchin' and sh*t.
and I say...
"Monkeys like to play volleyball."
I'm laying there...
"Pit bulls like to wear Jordans."
That's when they realized
I was sicker than they thought.
They said. "He's got something
in his system that got him sick-witted.
f*ck taking him to jail.
Let's take him to the hospital."
Them m*therf*ckers
rushed me to the hospital...
put me in a padded room
with just a big-ass mirror...
where you could kind of see through...
You knew they was on the other side.
And I didn't help. 'cause I'm
still in there lunchin' and sh*t.
Working on moves and sh*t.
Two to the right.
One to the left.
Think about it.
Lunchin'.
f*ckin' lunchin'.
Then a doctor came in. Y'all.
He was a fan of the show. And he really
wanted to see me get out of there.
He said. "Listen. Son. I'm a doctor.
I'm not here to hurt you."
I'm moving. Can't stay still.
and he's a little nervous.
He said. "I don't know what happened.
but you almost got yourself k*lled.
You were carrying a firearm.
and I don't know what you were thinking.
But listen. We ran tests.
We checked your blood. Son.
And we can't find
anything in your blood."
For a second I was sober...
"What the dope man done sold me?"
You know. When they can't
find it in your blood?
So he said. "I wanna help you
get the f*ck home.
I wanna get you out of here
and back to your family.
But you're gonna have to help me
to help you. That's what you can do.
I need to know
what you were smoking...
and who sold it to you."
I sobered up
for about 30 seconds.
"I can't tell you that. Doc.
That's a street code. We never tell.
What the f*ck you talking about?"
That's what I told him.
"You trying to get me f*cked up
by the dope man?"
Then it was time for me to go.
'cause I was together.
The ooh-wee had got
out of my system.
I couldn't believe I was
out on the street lunchin'.
I had the hottest show on. I couldn't
believe these things was happening.
Marriage was on the brink.
All kind of sh*t after that.
But before I left the hospital...
I got your love. And I felt
your love and support for me.
You know?
And it was a beautiful thing.
and I thank each and every one of you.
That meant a lot to me.
It truly meant a lot to me.
so I'm forever grateful.
And I tell you...
celebrities came up to see me
when I was in the hospital.
It was kinda wild.
They came to see me.
Magic Johnson came to see me
when I was in the hospital.
When I was going through one of
my hardest times. He came and said...
"Martin. What are you doin'. Boy?
What are you doing out on the street.
doing that crazy stuff like that. Man?
You gotta take care of yourself.
You got a hot show. Don't blow it. Man.
You got to be like 'Show time!"'
That was a beautiful thing
for Magic to give me that advice.
So since I had him there.
I took the opportunity to ask him...
to get me on the Lakers.
And he said. "Sure. Mar.
I'll see what I can do. Mar."
I know he went home and told Cookie.
"Yeah. That m*therf*cker in bad shape.
He wanted to take Derek Fisher's job.
I don't know what the f*ck he's thinking."
So finally I got out
of the hospital.
That was one thing I went through.
I couldn't believe it. f*cked up.
I said. "Now I got the embarrassment
hanging over me."
I never really wanted
to go down that way.
But I had to move on. So...
I'm trying to get it together.
Couldn't really go home. 'cause it
wasn't really going so well at home.
So I did what we all do when we're
trying to get our life together...
I went to a club.
I'm out that m*therf*cker. Man...
I'm at the club dancing. Minding my
business. Doing the ladies dance.
I'm a little off. Though.
I ain't on the right dances yet.
I'm still on some old sh*t.
And some. You know... I don't know
what this m*therf*cker was.
He bumped into me. And I said.
"Watch yourself. Partner."
Then he go and push me.
I punched that boy in his mouth.
We rumblin' in there.
Then everybody clears out.
I'm rumblin'. Everybody clears out.
Even he cleared out.
I said. "Damn. I know I can rumble.
but hot damn!
Shouldn't have started it
if you wasn't gonna finish."
So he runs out. And then
all these damn cops come in...
about 30 f*cking cops
with shotguns and sh*t...
all for little-ass Martin.
Thirty cops.
You'd have thought I was bin Laden.
They came in that m*therf*cker...
"Mr. Lawrence!"
I fainted again.
How come I feel like
somebody's watching me?
Next thing you know. They put me in
jail. This time I didn't get off easy.
They said. "f*ck it.
On Ventura we didn't take you to jail.
but now we're taking your ass to jail."
When I woke up.
they had me ready to go.
I knew I was getting ready to go f*ck
around with them hardheads up in there.
I wasn't trying to get them
to come at me right here...
so I jumped down
and did some pushups.
I said. "Wait. Officer.
let me do a few of these."
And I got real "deezed" on 'em.
My arms was hawked up
a little bit...
so I could go up in that m*therf*cker
and bang with these n*gg*r*s.
"What? What. n*gg*r. What?"
So they take me to the precinct
and throw me in the cell by myself.
So I'm sittin' in that m*therf*cker
with the arms all swolled...
chest all "deezed."
Nobody to rumble
out that m*therf*cker.
They said. "The best way to get back
at Martin... let him stay by hisself."
The next thing you know. An hour go by.
my "deez" drops a little bit.
Another hour go by.
and they drop a little more.
About four hours go by.
I'm holding my arms. Going. "Oh. Bitch.
I'm sorry!
He hit me first!
I'm not an animal!
I'm not an animal."
Finally they let me
up out the m*therf*cker.
I'm getting ready to get outta there.
thinking I'm going home and sh*t...
and they hand me a paper
to go to court.
I go to court.
The judge I had was this. You know...
he was a cool. Young white dude.
Didn't take no sh*t. But straight
to the point. Tell you how it is.
He said. "Martin. What the f*ck
are you doing in my courtroom?
I wanna know why the f*ck
are you in my courtroom.
I don't understand that.
Whoa. Whoa. You mean I go to have
my bagel and coffee this morning...
I look at the paperwork. And your
f*cking name is on my f*cking desk?
What are you thinking?
You know what you're doing?
You're making an ass out of yourself
and you're blowing it. Kid.
You're blowing it.
You're in a position to do
what a lot of people would love to do...
and you're throwing it away.
You're becoming a menace to society.
and it doesn't even make sense.
Why don't you use all this exposure and
sh*t to do something positive. Martin?
'Cause you're in my courtroom.
I will lock your f*cking ass up.
I don't give a sh*t.
I will lock you up.
Yes. I'm down with the brothers and
the homies. I will lock your ass up.
Okay?
I put someone away about a year ago.
His name was t*nk.
He thought he was bad.
Now his name is Tina.
And Tina's wearing
little tankies. Martin.
You need to get your sh*t together
or leave it alone. I'll lock your ass up.
Okay? Ask Gary Coleman."
I said. "Oh. sh*t!
You're right.
I'll get it together. You're right.
I'll get it together."
And he said.
"Not without probation."
And I said.
"Never again. Never again."
I said. "Martin..."
I asked myself. I said...
"How did you go through all that?
How... That's stupid.
What you have gotten to do
in your lifetime...
a lot of people would love to do.
Fortunately. God has blessed you
with a gift to make people laugh...
and to do some very
special things in life.
And you come that far
to throw it away?"
Then it hit me.
I said. "Nah."
I didn't want to keep jumping on myself
and keep feeling down about myself.
I said. "Nah."
But then it hit me. You know what?
I said. "I'm only human."
If I'm crucified for being a human.
then so be it.
Because no one is immune
to the trials and tribulations of life.
No one.
No matter what you do.
you are not immune...
to the trials
and tribulations of life.
As I got out...
and tried to get myself together...
I stopped f*ckin' with the ooh-wee
'cause it wasn't for me.
That's a start.
So I got it together.
I kept movin'.
I said. "Let me get my life together."
and as I'm getting my life together...
I'm dealing with the m*therf*ckers
writing bullshit about me...
saying negative things about me.
All these devils that
just wanna take God's child out.
Here goes all these rumors.
Here goes all these rumors
writin' about me.
I see on the paper.
one of'em says...
"Martin tries to jump
out of a plane...
using his jacket
as a parachute."
As I'm trying to get my life together.
they're gonna write that bullshit.
I know damn well
you can't jump out no plane...
using your jacket
as a parachute.
sh*t. I know
you got to use your pants.
They don't think
I know this sh*t.
So I said. "f*ck that."
Then I was trying to get my dating
scene on. Find a lady in my life.
Then I was trying to get my dating
scene on. Find a lady in my life.
'Cause I wasn't married no more.
so I'm running around. You know...
"What's up. Miss lady? How you doin'?"
And they was believing that sh*t.
I'd say. "Hello."
They'd say. "Ah. You crazy. Ain't you?"
Girl. Don't f*ck with him.
He crazy.
That m*therf*cker probably got a Glock
on him. Don't f*ck with him."
I couldn't believe it.
So then I said. "f*ck the rumors.
f*ck what they say. f*ck what they
write. 'cause I'm gonna be all right."
And that's what I did.
I went running.
I went jogging.
I went running.
I was trying to
get my mind together.
I'm out there. I'm running.
and I'm jogging...
and I'm thinking. "Somewhere
there's got to be a love for me."
I'm doing my jogging.
listening to the headphones...
but I happen to go jogging...
on the f*ckin' hottest day...
of the f*ckin' summer!
And a n*gg*r pass out!
Damn!
I passed the f*ck out.
Lyin' in sh*t on the lawn.
Can't believe that. As if I didn't have
enough sh*t going on in my life.
Now I'm back on the m*therf*cking scene
passed out by sh*t on a lawn.
Neighbors walking by.
seeing me laying there.
My white neighbors
didn't wanna bother me.
"Isn't that Martin
laying on his lawn?
Why doesn't he
go in the house?"
"I don't know. But that's that
n*gg*r's house. Let him lay there."
But my lady found me.
She called the ambulance.
And I'm forever grateful
to her. My family. All of them.
They was instrumental
in being a part of saving my life.
But they didn't think
I was here. Y'all...
'cause I was laying on the ground.
and that sun was frying my head...
in a skull cap.
in a f*ckin' wool-ass hat.
It was fryin' my sh*t.
So they think. "Oh. Man!" They checked
my pulse. They couldn't find no pulse.
My temperature was 10 7.
So the ambulance drivers leaned over.
couldn't feel the pulse.
They said. "f*ck it.
This n*gg*r gone.
You wanna stop
at the liquor store?"
"Yeah. Pick up some Courvoisier.
f*ck that."
But they get me
to the hospital on time.
I'm thankful to all of them...
the doctors and nurses. The ambulance.
But one thing they gonna do... I'm 10 7.
They needed to put me on ice.
They put me on nothing but ice.
They put ice all over my body.
Butt naked.
Damn it!
Now. I don't mind that.
I'm hot? Cool me off.
But I was butt-naked. And I didn't have
the weight in my meat I usually have.
So I'm out there like this on ice.
And they around me
taking pictures and sh*t...
laughing at me!
I'm gonna fight that in court.
I'm gonna deal with that.
'Cause somebody could've put
an ice cube under my balls...
and swolled it up a little
or something.
Come on. Now.
I'm a black man. Y'all.
But they didn't do that.
My family was there.
The doctors tried to tell them
to go home. They said. You know...
And I love them and thank them so much
for never giving up on me...
because. Had they gone home. I probably
wouldn't even be here. You know.
My brother...
Yeah. Thank you.
I applaud 'em. All of'em.
My whole family.
I love 'em.
Yeah. It was rough.
My brother scared the doctor. 'cause he
didn't wanna hear that. He's m*llitary.
"What the f*ck
you talking about? What?
n*gg*r. I'm gonna
walk down the street.
When I get back. Keep talking
that sh*t you talking. Doc.
Better pull out a stethoscope.
m*therf*cker. Or something."
That's when they started working on me.
Them doctors did all they could.
And I thank them for that.
But as much as I thanked them.
I gave God the glory...
for bringing me back.
I give him the glory.
No question.
I thank him. You know...
for putting his children
out there around me to help me.
So I woke up three days later.
Being out for three days
was some of the best sleep I ever got.
I woke up. Everybody was happy
to see me..."We love you! We love you!"
"Ain't nothin' wrong
with my hearing."
I had a tube in my mouth.
I had a catheter in my d*ck.
I thought my d*ck had grew.
sh*t.
It was a damn catheter.
I didn't know how they
got that catheter in there.
They couldn't have got that sh*t in there
if I was woke. I'll tell you that.
So I had to learn
to talk again.
I had to learn to walk again.
I had to learn to do all these things
we generally take for granted.
It come not so easy.
I had to learn to do that sh*t again.
My show was running on the air.
I got movies out...
but I can't go to premieres and sh*t
because I can't walk.
Can't do all this sh*t.
So I said. "f*ck it.
I gotta work hard to get better."
So they put me in a room
and gave me a bell.
They said. "If you need help. Hit this
bell and we'll come in and help you.
The nurse will come help you."
This catheter was attached
to a t*nk that had...
It's where your piss goes.
One day I tried to get up
and forgot I couldn't walk...
and the whole piss t*nk fell.
I ring the bell.
"I dropped my piss!"
So the nurse came in.
and the nurse was fine.
She was so fine.
you'd go. "g*dd*mn!"
She cleaned up the piss.
This fine. Professional woman
started cleaning up the piss.
She talked to me and said. "Don't be
embarrassed. This is gonna happen.
But if you think you have to go to
the bathroom or want to try to get up...
ring your bell and I'll help you.
But don't try to get up.
all right?"
I said. "Thank you."
But I forgot.
Tried it. Piss everywhere.
"I dropped my piss."
"Mr. Lawrence. Don't try to get up.
Just ring your bell.
That's what I'm here for."
Then one day I was looking at
something on TV. And I laughed.
And I shitted on myself.
It was that borderline...
It was just really
all soft sh*t...
because I only had
liquids in me.
It just smeared
all around my f*ckin' thigh...
and it was stinkin'
like a m*therf*cker.
I was gonna ring the bell. And I said.
"I can't call that fine m*therf*cker.
I can't tell that fine m*therf*cker
that I done shitted on myself.
I can't tell her.
I know she got a fine friend...
that know a fine friend.
All the fine ones
gonna know I shitted."
I couldn't do it. I'm holding my nose.
I couldn't take it no more.
It was cuttin' through
my passages.
"I shitted on myself."
And this fine woman...
came in...
and cleaned up the sh*t.
She was so patient with me.
"Mr. Lawrence. I know you're a little
embarrassed. But these things happen.
Now. I told you. Your bowels...
your muscles are not strong.
So don't worry about it.
There's no need to be embarrassed.
These things happen.
This is the hospital.
Don't worry about it."
And then she started
cleaning me.
And she cleaned. And she wiped.
I looked at her.
This woman was cleaning doo-doo...
off me.
And I said...
I started falling in love.
Now. Man...
that was a beautiful thing
for them to do... for her to do.
After that. I shitted maybe
seven more times. I would say.
Went from hard sh*t to doodle balls.
all kinds of sh*t.
sh*t with corn in it.
And she cleaned it up.
About the tenth doo-doo.
she was madder than a m*therf*cker.
All that professional
went out the window.
"All right. Mr. Lawrence!
Now. This sh*t
don't make no sense!
You too grown for this sh*t!
You been in this hospital all this time. And
you ain't worked your f*ckin' muscles yet?
Shittin' all over the place.
That's just not cute.
And you gonna act like you wanna get
with me. I don't want no shitty man.
Talkin' about 'Martin! Martin! '
Should be Shitty Martin."
Scared me so bad.
I just stopped shittin' for a while.
Didn't do nothin'.
I think she quit after that. They said
she was gone. Couldn't find her nowhere.
Said she couldn't take the sh*t
off Martin no more. She was tired of it.
I think I shitted one more time.
and I just sat in that.
"I will not tell nobody."
And the whole room was funky.
It was so stinky. "f*ck it.
My pride won't let me tell nobody.
'Cause I don't want them
to get angry with me no more."
I tied a pillowcase around my head
and around my nose...
and cut out the eyes.
I was in there looking like
a shitty superhero.
And then they motherfuckin'
came in the room and sh*t.
You know. They could smell.
'cause it was messing up the hospital.
They thought they was gonna
have to quarantine the hospital.
They found it was me sittin' in sh*t.
and I started blaming people.
I was in denial.
"There's a serial shitter
going around.
He broke in
and put the drawers on me.
He went that-a-way."
But one thing I can say...
honestly. Truly from the heart
that I learned...
from. You know. Ventura...
the g*n. as*ault. Whatever...
fights and coma and all that.
One thing I truly learned...
is that we fall down...
but we get up.
Thank you.
Will all the people
who like sex...
All the people
who like safe sex.
Sex is good.
I love sex.
That's a good thing. Isn't it?
I love sex.
I love everything about it.
Just not all the crazy stuff.
Ladies. I love that oral sex.
I love when you do me.
I really do. I really do.
You gotta soak. You know.
If I'm gonna do that.
you gotta clean it well.
Because. Guys. If you ever caught
a bad one. That sh*t will scar you...
for the rest
of your f*cking life.
You ever go down
and it smell like...
you will be f*cked up.
sh*t smell like. "Oh. No."
So if you clean it right.
we don't have to go through that.
'Cause. Ladies. You don't like a man
with a stinky d*ck. Am I correct?
You would let a man know
in a minute.
"Your balls stink.
Your balls stink!"
I got a woman right now
suing me.
No. Not 'cause of stinky d*ck.
She gonna say I gave her
high blood pressure...
'cause I had salt on my balls.
I said. "I thought you liked your meat
seasoned. Baby. What's the problem?"
But sex is good.
Sex is good.
Do it when you get the chance
to do it. Have fun.
Make love. Let it blossom.
but do it right.
That weird sex sh*t? Who is out here
doing that weird sex sh*t?
Who's doing that?
Stop that sh*t.
You know who you are.
Pissing on people?
That is not lovemaking.
Stop getting that...
"You like that?
Let me drink two more cups of water.
and I got a little more for you."
Cut it out!
Cut out doing
that weird sex sh*t.
And whoever is doing
that S&M. Stop it.
Listen. If you wanna do a little
something. You just gotta be gentle.
Is it called S&M... S&M?
I don't do it.
so I don't know.
Listen. Ain't nothin' wrong
with a little pop on the ass.
I'm a pop-on-the-ass man.
I know how to do it though.
I been trained for that
and everything.
They show you how
you're supposed to do that.
One leg here.
the other leg here.
When you pop.
you come up off it like that.
See? That means you're not
actually trying to hurt 'em.
You're just trying to make them
feel that sting.
But when you pop
and plow 'em into the f*cking wall...
then it's starting to get brutal.
You don't want that.
That's brutal sex.
You don't wanna
pull your d*ck out...
and then drop your foot
on the back of their neck.
You don't wanna take hot curlers
and burn their stomach.
Talkin' about.
"You love me? You love me?"
That's just not
what you wanna do.
I seen some white boy tell his lady.
"Kick me in my balls real hard.
Right now."
"f*ck. Yeah! Yeah!"
I seen a lady have her nipples
clamped to the door...
and have somebody slam the door.
"Oh. Yeah! Yeah!
Now take 'em off the hinges
and throw the doors.
Yeah! Yeah!"
So please...
be gentle with that.
And who is puttin' gerbils
in their ass?
Stop it!
Them gerbils ain't done
nothin' to nobody.
Them little rodents ride that wheel.
you snatch 'em. Put 'em in your ass.
Stop that.
I hope they scratch your ass out.
Hope you wind up in a hospital
sounding like a Chinese movie.
"Doctor! Doctor!
The rodent's up in my ass!"
Scratch his ass out. Little rodent.
Scratch his ass out.
You know the doctor gonna tell you.
"I can get him out.
But first you're gonna have to
fill out some paperwork."
"Hurry up. Doctor!
Hurry up. Doctor!"
So please...
be cautious with your sex.
be gentle with your sex.
Be gentle with your lovemaking.
Love one another.
Another thing. Fellas.
Have you ever...
been doing it so good...
so wonderful...
The mood is right.
The lights are dim.
It's probably dark...
but not quite dark.
'cause your bodies. They silhouette.
You can see each other.
The music is going. It seems to be
going with your emotion and your flow.
Everything's working that night.
"Ooh. Girl.
Why you do this to me. Girl?
Oh. That is so nice.
It's so moist. So wet.
Wow. It's so hot."
And you're going.
"My goodness. Girl.
You just so wet.
What. You gettin'
extra wet for me tonight?
Extra. Extra. Extra?"
All over you. You can feel it
all over your thighs. Everywhere.
Then you get up
and you cut on the lights.
Blood every-f*cking-where.
It looks like a f*cking m*ssacre.
You look at your d*ck like
it's a Kn*fe. "Why? Why?"
You look at the bed.
It looks like a crime scene.
"Why? Why. Why. Why?"
You look at her.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Ladies got the perfect answer.
"You must have brought it down!"
God bless.
Ride this m*therf*cker
till the wheels fall off.
Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat (2002)
Moderator: Maskath3