Richard Pryor will
make me laugh until I cry.
I just love
his humour.
The simple concepts of life,
he can make anything funny.
He hits home.
'Cause, after all, that's why I'm here,
'cause of the people.
It's not something that was made up in,
uh, some agent's office.
Tell the world,
go out and see Richard Pryor.
The man is phenomenal.
He's the best comedian
I've ever seen.
He's the best in the north,
south, east and west.
I never seen him in person,
but I'm gonna see him tonight.
I wanna laugh till it hurts.
He's live, always live,
you know.
They pull for me
to do well.
You know, I feel it.
I admire his courage.
He's an artist.
He's like being at a party.
And it's...
it's like he's really telling the truth.
And I like everything
about Richard Pryor.
I don't like him.
I love him.
Hey, he's just
the most, man.
I think he's the comedian
of the '80s.
What can I tell you?
He's the most from coast to coast.
Richard is.
Richard Pryor!
Something in me is dying to express itself,
you know.
The changes are so immense.
It has to do with the work.
What kind of shit
you handing me?
Sign it.
f*ck is it?
I don't know what
you're handing me to sign.
What the f*ck
it say on there?
Champagne list?
I ain't signing
for no g*dd*mn champagne.
Here. You take
this shit, boy,
and you stuff
this up your ass.
I ain't signing it.
You know, I'm an old man.
I know about things.
I know I ain't signing
shit now!
I'm up here trying
to earn some money, boy!
I'm working hard.
All these people come...
You know what
you remind me of?
Do you know...
You know Junior Shore?
You...you any relation
to Junior?
You his nephew,
ain't you?
See, I remember
when you was little.
You, Sarah Thompson...
Yeah, that was you.
You, Sarah Thompson,
Sonny Poole,
was over there in that
car in the junkyard.
You boys had
her panties down.
Didn't you?
I remember you was f*cking on each other.
I'm the one that told you, "Don't do it."
Remember that?
I made you leave
that girl alone
'cause she was young
and pretty, too.
And she was sweet.
Breasts smelt
like Carnation milk.
What's... what's your name, boy?
Joe.
What?
Joe.
Joe?
That's all?
You brought your big ass
all the way back there
and all is your name is Joe?
God damn it.
"To Joe."
f*cking, I thought your name would
be Kunta Kinte or something.
It's a great gift
to be able to laugh.
I remember
when I was 20, man,
I usually could
f*ck all day.
Quick. But all day,
right?
"Excuse me."
Pop! "Thank you."
"Excuse me.
Pardon me, miss."
And I'm sober,
now that I'm not doing dr*gs.
That's a damn
good accomplishment.
See, I...I stopped drinking.
I haven't had no dr*gs
in five months, man.
That's for real.
Nothing, right?
People applauding knew me
when I did dr*gs.
Boy, are we glad.
I'm ahead.
Hey!
Wow!
We want Richard!
We want Richard!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the two most beautiful words
in the world of comedy,
Richard Pryor.
Hello.
Hello!
Good evening.
How you doing?
Welcome.
Glad y'all come
this evening?
Yeah!
Why are there people
in the aisle?
Listen, these people, shit,
done snuck in, f*cking with your seats.
What's happening?
How you doing,
white person?
This man got eight drinks.
He gonna come and...
S-sit your ass down.
Guys, you know, well,
see what happened, you go out
and the lights was out,
and you went out to get some shit.
Now you don't remember
where you were sitting.
'Cause you see the people
coming back like this.
Will!
How's our baby?
How you doing?
I'm... I'm happy to be here
in New Orleans.
I really am.
This is a beautiful theatre.
What? Well, thank you.
You're looking good!
Th-thank you, baby.
Going to...
You gonna outdrunk each other?
Sure, you're right.
I love you, too. I love you back.
I'm waiting for...
You know, this is...
Shut the f*ck up. Hey.
Sometimes people just want me
to talk nasty to them, right?
Then they get it and then they're satisfied.
It's like, "Shit.
"That's right. Talk to me
like a woman. Shit."
No, but this theatre is
something special.
What you man taking, tickets?
What'd he take?
What kind of shit you got in your hand there,
sister?
Oh, they just pass out
all that shit.
Why are all these people coming
this way and there are no seats?
Oh, there's
two seats. There.
They're not taken.
Please, sit down.
That's right.
Get in there, m*therf*cker.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
See, you sat
in the right seat
'cause when the show
don't be funny,
I take my d*ck out and piss.
So,
this is called
the garden row.
Yeah.
No problem.
So, I...
Them's cameras and shit,
but you know that.
This is the shit we do.
This is the movies.
I came last night, man.
I had a...
You have to match the shit
to the lights, right?
And I came last night, man.
I had on some beautiful shit.
And I sent it
to the dude, man,
and they said
they gonna dye it for me.
You know, so it would fit with the lights.
Let me show you the shit.
This shit is... Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Yeah!
This is... this is,
what the shit looked like when it came back.
Boy, I was mad
at that m*therf*cker, Jack.
You know, I saw all
this shit and I said,
"What the f*ck
happened to my jacket?"
And they...they...they
was very diplomatic,
'cause Jim Brown brought it to me,
you know.
So I couldn't jump on
that m*therf*cker, right?
I looked at the jacket and said,
"Oh, that's nice, Jim.
"Shit, just the way
I like my jackets."
You know,
the m*therf*cker left.
I talked about his ass, too.
Big black m*therf*cker.
Look what he did
to my jacket.
f*cked my shit.
f*cked my shit up.
'Cause he was sitting in
there in the room with me,
I didn't want to
f*ck around, right?
'Cause his whole leg
was big as me.
So I said, "Hey, Jim,
shit, this is hip.
"I can't wait till I put
this shit on tonight."
I ain't gonna wear
this m*therf*cker.
f*ck you, jacket.
This is the set and shit.
This ain't real, now.
'Cause there might be some
tourists and shit be saying,
"Hey, there's Bourbon Street.
"It look like
my house."
No, but they fixed this shit up.
Ain't it like Hollywood?
Them m*therf*ckers, boy,
they're good, ain't they?
They done create
an illusion.
Hey, I like the way
that did that. Shit.
Create. Listen, listen.
This m*therf*cker
be f*cked up, Jack.
You should have this
on the street
when the m*therf*cker
leave home drunk.
You flip this shit out
in front of your house.
Right? Right?
m*therf*cker come back,
"Hey, baby. Shit. Baby?
"Bitch, what's happening?"
But this is always
the impression
that people get
of New Orleans, right?
This is Bourbon Street,
like that's it.
Like there ain't no more
to New Orleans.
Shit, if you ain't in the French Quarter,
f*ck it.
Oh, but they got a whole lot...
they got a whole of shit here.
How you doing, sir?
The m*therf*cker
walk like he dared
for somebody
to be in his seat.
Look at him.
You knew wasn't nobody gonna be in your seat,
right?
This is a strange place
though, uh, New Orleans,
'cause you can't tell what no
m*therf*cker is down here.
No, 'cause you m*therf*ckers
look white and be black.
So...
And then the black ones talk
that funny kind of shit.
You know,
you talk to them, say...
"What do you want?
You come back.
"You come back,
you like me, yeah?"
And the girls say,
"You gonna f*ck me for true?"
Shit like that, you know,
that's like, "Shit."
See, you go up North,
white folks don't know what to do, Jack.
You probably say, "Why,
this is a different kind.
"He must be
from Brazil somewhere."
But you know what?
Down here, man,
m*therf*ckers have the
biggest fun of anybody.
m*therf*cker have a parade,
start dancing at a drop of a hat.
Right? Just...just go
outside in the sunshine.
"Say, have you
a buzz on yet?
"I like it, me."
m*therf*ckers start
dancing and shit be.
Four hundred people be dancing
down the street, talking about,
"The sun is shining, hey."
And I understand like you
dance at funerals and shit.
Have a good time.
You don't be f*cking around.
m*therf*cker dead.
Let's dance his ass off.
"It's a good day to die, m*therf*cker,
'cause we having big fun."
That's the way to do it.
Ain't supposed to be around crying and shit.
m*therf*cker's gone.
That's it.
Say, "Shit, we had big fun
when he was here.
"Ain't no need to start crying now
'cause he gone."
That's the way
life is, isn't it?
Brother over here look mad.
What's the matter, they stole your seat?
You had to whoop somebody
to get it back?
See, you come too late.
Tough shit. Act a fool.
You'll get your seat.
"Where's my
m*therf*cking seat?"
Yeah, you'll get a seat.
Someone will say, "No. No, don't...
don't worry. We have a seat right here."
It's just so hot
down here now.
You know,
it get hot down here.
Hey, people being
in the street
you don't be
f*cking with, either.
They be just walking
just like...
"Excuse me, how you doing?"
I don't know how they had no
sl*very when it be hot down here
'cause slaves would've quit,
say, "Hey man, f*ck you.
"Shit.
"Carry that shit yourself."
To think all down
is all this shit,
slaves built all
this shit down in here
or carried the shit
that built it.
Right, I looked at the Mississippi,
I said,
"m*therf*cker had
to walk across that."
"Get your black ass
on there and walk.
"Carry that tree.
"Don't start no shit."
Y'all some cold
m*therf*ckers, boy.
Your ancestors.
You know, you guys didn't do
nothing like on the holidays
or, like,
weekends or something.
You m*therf*ckers
just hanged black people.
Right, be bored and shit.
m*therf*cker's like, "Saturday night be hot.
Can't get no p*ssy."
He'd say,
"What you wanna do?
"sh**t, ain't nothing to do,
go down to jail and string one up."
And black people be standing around,
watching them.
The guy be saying,
"f*ck that. Help me!"
See, y'all...
Does it snow
down here sometime?
Now see,
y'all spoiled, see.
Y'all don't know
about that cold and shit
back like up in Illinois,
where I'm from.
See, y'all should
get some cold.
I guess it get
cold here, it get 50?
Yeah.
Y'all get madder
than a mother, say,
"You know it's
"Shit. Done f*cked up
my day. Shit."
Back there, man,
in Chicago, in the Midwest,
boy, it gets cold.
I'm talking about cold.
Make you change your...
What?
This ain't Johnny Carson, m*therf*cker.
No, I mean, it get cold
when you go outside.
The...the wind be waiting
on your ass,
around the corner
like this...
Waiting for you
to come outside.
You know it.
"Here he come."
And that shit, boy...
I...I came from California,
I hadn't been home in about five years,
I went back home.
And I had some summer shit like this,
you know, and it was cold.
That wind waited for me
to get into the street.
It didn't even do nothing while I
was walking through the airport.
As soon as I got outside,
the wind's like, "Get your shit...
"Put that shit up around your head.
Stop f*cking around."
And you can't be prejudiced in the winter
'cause it's too cold.
Right, you be trying to find
a doorway and shit, you be,
"Shit. Hey, man,
it's cold.
"Be prejudiced this summer.
"f*ck it.
It's all right now."
Bullshit!
Bullshit? My d*ck.
People in the audience get hostile,
"You drunk, m*therf*cker?"
"f*ck it! Bullshit."
I...I stopped drinking.
I haven't had...
I used to drink a lot.
Stopped.
I... Been seven months.
That's a strange...
It was really...
It's really strange.
Huh?
Yeah, smoke it!
I don't believe
that shit!
Oh, you don't have to.
I know you ain't gonna believe it
'cause you f*cked up.
I...I don't... Hey.
Shit.
No, I just thought I'd try that for a while,
you know, after 20 years.
m*therf*cker,
give yourself a break.
I'll probably die tomorrow.
Try-trying to slow down,
you know.
But it's different.
Don't do that!
"Don't do that"?
Well...
You f*cked up, Rich!
Well, I just been through,
like, a life in your life.
I guess you go through changes in your life,
you know.
You get one moment
and you just f*cking change.
Something happened
in my life,
just f*cking changed my mind
about all this shit.
'Cause I used to think
I knew everything, man.
I'd be f*cked up.
I just knew it.
I knew all the shit.
And all of a sudden,
I don't know shit.
I'm one of the dumbest
m*therf*ckers ever lived.
If you catch me on the wrong
day and ask me my name,
you gonna get trouble.
"Hey, what's your name?"
"Uh, Wait. Uh, Shit. m*therf*cker.
Don't rush me, m*therf*cker."
"Just take it easy."
'Cause I feel
a lot different.
I feel a lot of different shit,
man, you know.
When I was drinking though,
it was fun.
I had to stop
drinking though,
'cause I got tired of, like,
waking up in my car, driving 90.
You know... you know, trying to talk to
the police when your mouth don't work.
I don't know what it is that
make drunk people want to talk.
But you can bet if somebody drunk,
he gonna talk.
You know what I mean?
You ever be driving,
the police ease up behind your ass,
put them
bright lights on you?
And your brain start going,
"Don't worry about it, just be cool.
"Everything... Don't worry, just,
just be cool. Now straighten up.
"Just put your arm...
Put your arm on the window. That's right.
"Put your arm on the window.
Be cool. Lay back. All right.
"Just get it together.
You're ready now.
"When he come up, say,
'Everything's fine,' all right?
"Just say,
'Everything's fine.
"Everything's fine.'
All right."
Now, that's what
you say in your brain,
but your mouth has
made up its mind.
Your mouth be saying,
"I'm gonna say these words
"the way I f*cking want to."
Policeman come up to a man,
"How you feeling?"
"I wasn't...
"I was never out there."
"Yeah, right.
Wanna get out?"
"Shit, ain't I out?"
I had a partner they used
to make walk that white line.
m*therf*cker Mashed Potatoes.
m*therf*cker just,
"f*ck it." Shit.
Split and shit.
I don't know, man.
I used to get drunk and try to talk.
Man, you can't never
understand a drunk,
and he'll explain
anything to you.
Police come up,
"What happened here?"
"Hey! I know,
I was in there...
"Shit. I was..."
"Shit. f*ck."
"Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
"I wasn't...
"Shit.
"You know..."
See them drunk outside.
m*therf*cker get drunk,
start crying and shit.
"You...
"Shit. Them m*therf*ckers.
"I just wish this is over
and...
"Shit...
"Those m*therf*ckers...
"This shit..."
m*therf*cker, you go home, be f*cked up.
You ever...
Hey, Rich,
how's your mama?
How's my mama?
How was jail?
I beg your pardon.
I'll slap you
in the mouth with my d*ck.
One at a time, please.
I'm gonna finish with this
m*therf*cker asking me about my mama.
How's your mama?
You ever go home drunk and
you try to get to your bed
and the house moves?
You know, it just moves.
I don't know where
it's going, but it be.
And you can't get it,
if you say to yourself,
"Just let me get
this foot moving.
"I'll make it
to this f*cking bed."
And your mind start f*cking with you,
"Don't be sick."
Uh,
"I'm not gonna be sick.
"God damn it,
I'm not going to be sick."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I won't.
I won't be sick.
"I don't wanna be.
"Let me lay down
on the floor.
"This shit...
Just lay on the floor.
"Please, I'll lay down here,
I'll be all right.
"Just, just let me take
the rug and cover myself.
"Just..."
And...and you start praying
and shit, right? You be,
"Oh, God.
"Oh, God.
"Don't let me be sick,
God, please.
"Oh, God."
And you can't find a position
that's comfortable.
I don't give a f*ck where
you lay when you drunk,
it ain't comfortable.
"Here it is. Right.
No, that ain't it. I'll just...
"There. That's it.
"Now that's real comfortable.
"Oh, God, no, please.
"Oh, God,
I'll never drink again.
"Believe me.
"Just let me make it
to the toilet."
And you crawl
to the toilet bowl,
"Just let me crawl
to the toilet bowl.
"My place of rest."
And we can make some funny-ass
sounds when you get sick.
You throw up,
I mean, it's unique.
You never hear
that shit any other time.
You know like...
I never make
that sound ordinarily.
And you ever just...
You ever heave from your nuts like
you just get one of them going?
And it look like
you become a decorator.
You know, like,
one spot ain't good enough.
"No, let's... Over here.
"Get a little
on your shoes.
"That's nice."
You wake up in your garage,
under your car.
Dogs be looking
at you and shit.
That's when...
That's when you know
you f*cked up
when your dog
won't come to you.
And I don't know,
where does that breath come from?
Where does the breath
come from?
It's like somebody
just shit in your mouth.
And walked in it
and shit like that.
You ever wake up
and it hit the pillow?
You be sleeping,
it hit your pillow, Jack, you be...
And you be sick while your
head be hurting and just
you don't wanna move.
"Help.
"Shut up.
"I got
a m*therf*cking hangover."
"Were you drunk last night?"
"Just k*ll me, bitch,
but don't talk to me."
"You need to eat some eggs."
"Oh, God, no, please."
I don't know why...
I don't know why my wife's put
up with my ass so long, with me.
'Cause I would
just act ignorant.
I wasn't... I wasn't even close
to being normal. I was ignorant.
I couldn't stop drinking
till the bartender say,
"We got no more
f*cking liquor!
"Take your ass home, pal."
I've been married
about four, five...
Four times.
Married to the white
and the black.
I'm telling you, this is a bitch,
there is no difference,
except subtle shit you can
pull on the white women
that you can't pull
on black women.
You know, like in an argument
or something,
you can pull that shit, like,
"Hey, baby, it's a black thing!
"I'm a black man.
You don't understand
"or get the motivation of the black man,
you understand?"
"Oh, yes, dear. I'm so sorry.
"I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
"Please forgive me."
Black women,
you cannot do that
but once.
And they get that m*therf*cker,
the head, they're going...
You know what I mean?
"Oh, no, m*therf*cker!
"Don't you look at me.
That's gonna be your ass,
"'cause you shouldn't have had the
bitch in there the first time.
"Yeah, you bad.
Now be bad now."
And then you end up, "Hey, darling.
No, dear. I... Just kidding.
"Go over here.
I won't do any bad."
I don't mind
the divorce and shit.
It's just they want the money
when you get divorced.
And I'll be going, "Wait, bitch.
You ain't told near a joke."
They say, "Well,
maybe you'll think this is funny."
Hand you some papers from the
lawyer and shit right here.
"Holy shit,
that is funny."
And you feel bad when your
lawyer turn on your ass, right?
He be saying,
"I think you should settle.
"No, just take my advice.
Settle.
"She's gonna say a lot of things
that you don't want known."
I say, "Wait,
she gonna tell about me and that goat?"
When I was a married man,
I tried to be...
What, whatever it is, I tried to do it,
whatever the f*ck it is.
I can't do it.
You just have to be a special
kind of man to handle that shit.
I can't handle it.
I mean, I go home, man,
sometime my wife would start
shit that I didn't understand.
You know, like, "I don't want
those people in this house again."
You say, "What? What?"
"I don't want them here."
Well, you're married,
you know.
You say, "f*ck it,
I'm in love. f*ck.
"Maybe I'll try it. Maybe I've been
wrong three other times. Shit.
"I'm gonna try
to make this shit work."
"Hey, you don't want them
in the house, baby?
"Their ass ain't
gonna be in the house.
"Hey. What? No, I'll handle it.
Don't worry.
"Hey, you m*therf*ckers,
get out.
"No, partner.
Hey, Jack, you gotta go.
"Don't come back no more,
m*therf*cker,
"'cause you got something.
My wife's seen it.
"I don't wanna get it."
"You gonna be
all right, Rich?"
"This is it, Jack.
This is it. I'm in love now."
"Just don't come
around no more.
Meet you around the corner."
Then they start talking
about come home earlier.
"Wait. Come home?
What the f*ck you talking about?"
"You're out too late,
you do dr*gs all night and you're just out."
"But I be having fun.
"I mean,
what time is a good time?"
"10:00."
I'm wrong. Could be.
You'd be in a restaurant,
eating.
Drinking fast.
"What's the matter, Rich?"
"I gotta be home by 10:00, Jack."
Come home,
be a house full of women I don't know.
Be sitting around,
talking shit.
Eating my food.
Ask me to serve them
something to drink.
Say, "Bitch, who are you?"
"I'm an old friend
of your wife's."
"Yeah? Are you a nurse?
"'Cause that's what she gonna need
if you keep f*cking with me."
Sometime, though,
sometime you could be
in love with somebody
and it's great,
then you f*ck around
and marry them.
And I don't know,
something happen when you get...
Women get married, man,
that you've been going with a long time,
there's something about them.
Their attitude be...
"Good morning, dear."
"Good morning.
"How are you today?
"Have you been
to the bank, yet?"
I've had some fun.
I meet some strange women,
though, being in show business.
I mean I'm glad of that,
but strange.
You know, I met one lady,
came to my hotel room.
She was a weight lifter, man.
She was beautiful, man.
And she went to the...
Come to the hotel room.
Beautiful body.
She talk all that cosmic shit.
And you know,
when you want some pissy...
Pissy?
"When you want some pissy."
That's the new thing.
I hope to get some soon,
some pissy.
But you do,
if you want some p*ssy,
you'll talk all that
shit with them, right?
You know, "Hey, yeah,
sure, the cosmos, yeah.
"Study it often,
you know."
And we got ready to make love, man.
She was naked and stuff.
I said, "Boy,
I'm gonna tear this p*ssy up."
And she got in.
I got ready to get on top of her.
She said, "Oh,
we're not going to f*ck."
And I always be thinking
about my career or something.
You know, I don't want to be f*cking around,
end up in the paper,
"Man Tries to Take p*ssy."
You know, 'cause that's low-down.
I don't wanna be like that.
I don't want nobody to say that,
"Ha-ha, made you move.
"Stole the seat,
had to move.
"April fool."
Right? You know.
Well,
I don't wonder why women don't say that thing
before your d*ck
get hard or something.
You know, when they get to the hotel,
"We're not f*cking."
"Thank you."
Then I tell my d*ck, "We're not gonna f*ck.
"So be cool, right?
"This is just some bullshit conversation
till some p*ssy come along.
"So shut up."
But they wait till your d*ck
hard enough to cut diamonds.
Then, then they be talking about,
"We're not going to f*ck."
"Listen, but what
am I to do with this?
"I will beat your
brains out with this!
"What do you mean?"
I was reading something in the...
in the paper...
Uh, what, uh, L-Libya?
Are we fighting
Libya yet or something?
I don't know.
I was hearing it on the news,
something about Libya,
Qaddafi.
Chad.
Chad.
You know,
m*therf*cker going somewhere to die,
don't even know
the name of it.
* We're going to Chad *
They start sh**ting, you say,
* Get the f*ck out of here *
That's funny. America...
America used to be
a different kind of country,
like, we didn't f*ck with people
smaller than us and shit.
You know, but now, I mean,
little Libya and shit.
Look like America go,
"Shut the f*ck up.
"Just sit your ass
down somewhere.
"Don't you be f*cking around.
Just shut up, m*therf*cker."
But Americans act like they
take that shit serious,
like little Libya
gonna kick our ass.
"Shut the f*ck up,
God damn it."
I remember when America...
When I was little, America used to
be that kind of country, right?
We didn't f*ck with nobody.
Now we be f*cking with people
in El Salvador and shit.
How we gonna lose?
Like we be sending
advisors and shit.
"That's how it goes, pal.
"Take my advice
and do it that way."
I don't know. People...
'Cause this is the greatest
country in the world, right?
Man,
we ain't supposed to be f*cking with nobody.
Have any of you ever been to Africa,
back to the motherland?
That's something.
One person held...held their hand up,
way in the back.
Two. You came from there,
m*therf*cker.
You ain't bullshitting.
No, it's something.
I had big fun.
I went to Zimbabwe.
And, um, it's
a new country, right?
It's about three years old now,
'cause it used to be Rhodesia
before they k*lled all them
white m*therf*ckers there.
It's the only country
I ever been to,
black people
kicked ass over there.
Seven years they k*lled
m*therf*ckers, Jack.
They happy, too.
You walk down the street,
they just smiling.
"Hello.
"Oh, they don't f*ck
with us no more, no."
I was over there with some American brothers,
man.
I met an American brother.
He came over there on vacation
and he called home and said,
"Bitch, sell all the shit.
"I ain't never coming
back to that mother.
"Sell my motorcycle
and my shirt.
"Bring your ass on."
We had a good time.
We're sitting around talking,
about four Americans.
We're talking
about five hours, man.
Talked about some
good shit, right?
And an African man asked us...
We was talking, he said,
"What language do you speak at home?"
You know, we looked at each other,
you know.
"What? English."
"Everybody speak English
"but what language you speak
when you're home?"
One of the brothers looked at him,
say, "Uh, Jive?"
'Cause I guess that's right.
Right? You know.
I don't know where in the
f*ck I came from over there.
No, it's just a nice feeling.
I know how white people
feel in America now.
Relaxed.
That's right, 'cause you hear,
uh, uh, like a police car coming,
you know it ain't
coming after your ass.
Right? You just...
"I wish they'd keep
that g*dd*mn noise down."
'Cause I hear it, man,
I wake up automatically,
start thinking
about shit I did.
"What the m*therf*cking now?
Oh, shit, let me see."
Till they go by, I say,
"Shit, oh, it ain't me."
In Africa, though, I had that feeling, man.
I just was comfortable.
I knew the police wasn't
going to be f*cking with me
unless the government
changed overnight.
That's a good feeling though, man.
You know, you can go out.
We went out into the bush
and stayed.
That's like the country, you know.
You go out there.
That's where you see
the animals and shit
'cause the city's
just like anyplace else.
But you go out
in the country...
You see some lions and shit.
I'm talking about real lions.
Not them kind you be
f*cking with in the zoo.
You know how you go f*ck with the lion.
"Hey, lion, m*therf*cker."
Be throwing shit at it.
Lion be...
You don't throw shit
at them real lions, boy.
If they don't eat it,
they kick your ass.
And somebody always wanna go
up and f*ck with the lions.
Tourists always want,
"Oh, George, stop here.
"Look at those lions.
I've got to go stand next to them."
You know, lions snap
all the ass off them.
George be grinning and shit...
"Wanna try that again, dear?
I didn't get that one."
We saw... I saw a lion
k*ll a water buffalo.
Two women lion
k*lled him dead,
and the male lion come to eat,
chasing them away, right?
He come to eat,
and we went to take a picture, right?
And he didn't like it.
And he bent down and picked the
water buffalo up by its nuts.
He picked it up by its nuts,
threw it over its head.
Turned his ass to us.
You know, it was just like,
"Take a picture of that."
Every place I go though, man,
everybody I meet, they wanna come here.
Right?
They wanna come to America.
I mean,
all the three countries I've been to.
I don't wanna sound like I've been
everywhere, you know. In three...
Now you start
talking to them,
and they start
talking about America.
And it makes your d*ck
hard for America.
They do. They finish talking,
you be saying,
"Shit. I gotta get
my ass back there.
"We got all that shit
in America?"
The guy say,
"You can eat 24 hours a day in America."
I say, "Yeah,
that m*therf*cker right.
"You got some money
or a p*stol,
"you can get
something to eat."
But in Africa, man,
after 9:00 if you haven't eaten,
that's your ass
still in the morning.
You just be hungry,
even with a p*stol.
There ain't nothing
to hold up.
Right, you be going,
"Stick 'em up."
Say, "What you gonna stick up?
We got nothing to steal.
"Why don't you go out in the bush,
f*ck with them lions?"
And in the country,
it's nice, man,
like if you go
somewhere, like,
you know,
you go on tourist...
Like tourist hotel and you be in the hotel,
bunch of tourists and shit.
And like early
in the morning,
you hear
some of the warriors,
like, coming back
from hunting or something.
You hear them out there
singing in the night.
*
That shit'll wake you up too, Jack.
I mean, you'll be asleep...
*
You go outside
to see that shit,
see about 100
dudes coming back.
*
It'd be beautiful, man.
And white people start
asking you questions then.
"What are they saying?
What are they talking about?
"What's going on? Rich, you got any idea?
What are they doing?
"There's 100 of them.
What are they planning, anything?"
I like to go...
Pretend like I know
what's happening, right?
"Keep it down.
Keep it down.
"I think you better get back
in your room, sir.
"This could be it."
I don't know.
It's just...
It's so different, though.
Things are different.
Like here, man,
I...I don't understand sometime
what goes on
with people here.
'Cause, like,
here we are here in this theatre,
we getting along real good
until we go outside,
then the shit change.
So we just must be some crazy
m*therf*ckers or something.
'Cause we can get along real great
for a moment and then we can't.
So that's insanity.
You know,
'cause we must be good all the time
if we can get good
for a little while.
But don't take my word for it,
ask the President.
I met the President.
We in trouble.
I went to the White House.
They had this big
receiving line and shit.
You know, you go by.
I went for this movie,
Superman, you know.
I'm standing in line
and shit and saying,
"I know the m*therf*cker
didn't invite me.
"You know, I'm just
here for this movie."
I walk by in the line and shit,
gonna meet him,
say, "Don't be prejudiced, open your mind,
see what kind of dude he is."
And I walk up, m*therf*cker looked
at me like I owed him money.
You know,
I say, "Hi, Mr President."
"Hi."
"Well, I guess
that's it, huh?
"Well, I'll just
walk on out here, sir,
"and I guess this is where
everybody else will be, huh?
"Well, nice meeting you.
I'll just be right... I'll be out here.
"If you're interested,
I'll be right outside here."
Then you get mad, don't you?
Why is that,
"I didn't ask to come
to this, m*therf*cker.
"I know you ain't
getting no p*ssy."
Right? 'Cause he looked
like a d*ck.
You ever notice? He does.
Like, not even a hard on.
But just a d*ck with
clothes on, you know.
That's why he want them MXs and shit,
so he can get off.
You know, he's like, "sh**t
one of them big babies off."
No.
Right. 'Cause they be talking about
dropping bombs and shit, man.
I'm talking
about nuclear bombs.
I'm talking about
f*cking up our Sundays.
I mean, m*therf*cker say...
Hey, man, if they had a nuclear w*r,
right, they wouldn't have
to drop no bombs.
All they have to do
is tell us they going to,
then announce to us,
"Find the fallout shelters."
'Cause there ain't a m*therf*cker
here know where one at.
"Let's get to the shelter."
"Right."
"Oh, shit. Uh,
"wait a minute. I knew
where it was in high school.
"Wait a minute, I..."
'Cause they say we have
a half an hour warning.
That ain't enough time.
I want at least nine,
Can you imagine what the
highways would be like?
m*therf*cker say,
"We got a half-hour, Jack."
Beep, beep!
You ain't gonna get nowhere.
I know what I'm gonna do
'cause there's a lady I've been
wanting to f*ck for eight years.
I'm gonna run over to her house,
you know what I'm saying.
"Hey, look, baby,
we got about 15 minutes."
Hope I get a nut
just as the b*mb go off.
Thank you.
'Cause they got people
building fallout shelters
in their homes and shit.
And that's all right if you
home when they drop the b*mb.
But if you out like this,
and m*therf*cker say,
"The b*mb is dropping," we f*cked.
m*therf*cker say, "What?
Not now, m*therf*cker."
'Cause all of us can't
get in the ladies' room.
'Cause if they drop the b*mb,
that's some fire and shit. I'm gonna get out.
I don't know about you all.
I'm getting out if there's some fire.
I know all the exits and shit.
I ain't even worried.
Even if people
clogged the doorway,
I'll eat through
somebody's ass to get out.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be outside laughing
with the firemen and shit.
"What's happening in there?"
"Hey, damn, boy.
It's a terrible thing.
"20 people in there
with their asses eaten out.
"You know anything
about it, fellow?"
"Nope."
What were Japanese people
thinking in 1941?
Huh?
What was they...
What was on their mind to be
bombing Pearl Harbour and shit?
They sat around and said,
"We b*mb Pearl Harbour.
"They never f*ck
with us again."
Right? One of them say,
"We going to California,
and then we b*mb..."
"No need.
Pearl Harbour is enough."
'Cause they been to the
University of California and shit
and saw white people
laid back.
They hadn't been to the University
of Alabama or Mississippi.
Right? I mean,
I'm not lying, man.
They got
white folks down there
they keep on a leash
in the basement.
"Hold it, hold it.
Not yet, not yet.
"Just a minute.
"Maybe Central America
will let you go,
"but not yet.
Hold it. Sit, sit."
Shit, man.
You know,
when I first...
When I first came up here,
I use to live down
this way and shit.
Don't tell me shit.
Came up here.
That's right.
I went to Illinois...
Mudbone!
That's right.
That's my name.
That's my game.
I went on...
Shit, where's the mike? Here.
Well, they move
that shit everywhere.
You can't reach it and shit.
Had to go behind my back.
Shit, I'm... I'm a little old.
I ain't spry
as I used to be.
I can still kick
a little ass now and then.
I left here,
me, my partner,
Ray...
Sweet Chocolate Brown.
Do you know Sweet Chocolate?
Yeah!
That was a pretty man.
One of them brown skin boys,
had that smooth skin.
He sweat,
it looked like a Hershey bar.
That's right.
Girls come up,
lick him on the hand.
And he smile,
he had one of them teeth,
gold teeth
with a diamond in it.
And they're smiling
and he put that smile on you,
that was your ass, see.
Lord, he had so many womans.
He tried to give me some
but I didn't f*ck with them womans,
you know.
I don't mess with them.
I had about four womens in my life.
That's right,
'cause they drain you.
They do.
They f*ck all the time.
That's right.
If you f*ck one of them good, you in trouble.
'Cause she gonna
tell her friend.
She gonna want some.
That's right.
And you f*ck her, she gonna tell somebody.
And the next thing you know,
you got to f*ck eight or nine times.
Then they leave you sapped.
You'll just be
laying there all dried up.
They don't give
a shit about that.
Give you a pot of soup,
go on about their business.
So, me, Chocolate, Bob T,
we all left from down there,
went to California.
We had a good time
out there, too.
We was out there
for a long time.
Do you know what?
When I first got out to California...
Where you boys going?
No, no, no, thank you.
I'm fine.
I'm... I'm all right.
I don't know what you gonna put in it.
Be out there,
liable to put your d*ck in it or something.
Go on, that's right.
Go ahead. Have fun.
I remember when womens used to
go to the bathroom together.
When we first...
When I got out...
That's something,
you know that?
The live world done changed,
ain't it?
Mens is womens,
womens is mens.
Shit, I talked to a woman
the other day.
I went in a little
truck stop restaurant
and asked,
"Got some coffee and shit?"
And she talked to me.
Shit, she sound like an opera star.
Big voice, you know.
"What you want?"
Shit.
You know, hair all on her legs and arms.
Scared the shit out of me,
you know.
Say,
"I don't want none of you.
"You want them doughnuts.
Let me get my ass on."
Other day, man, listen.
A little boy come down through here,
had one of them little hats on all cocked,
all sideways.
He had his shoe untied,
them tennis shoes on, you know.
I say, "Boy, tie your shoe."
Little boy told me to go f*ck myself.
Just about this tall.
"Go f*ck yourself."
Say, "I hope you fall
on your ugly-ass face."
I seen boys now that cuss their
mamas and stuff in public.
That's right.
The woman stand around, look all silly.
You know, I told her, I say,
"Bitch, that's your fault.
"That's right. You the one
let him do that shit.
"Got to put his ass out
two or three weeks.
"I bet he come home,
he talk right then."
Them miss-meal cramps,
that mother'll get real polite.
"Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir."
That's what he'll say when he come back.
Shit.
Hard times.
We had hard times
out there in California
'cause there wasn't but
three or four black families
when I went out there.
That's right. There wasn't.
Uh, about four,
That's right,
and nine or 10 f them Japanese,
and whatever they was,
mixed-up people.
They was out there.
Nice peoples, too.
You know, they was out there
minding their business.
Twelve thousand Mexicans.
I'm not lying.
Mexican people used to own
all this shit west of Chicago.
There wasn't nothing
but Mexican people.
That's all there was.
That was all theirs.
f*cked around, negotiated with white folks,
lost all that shit.
Hundred and twenty something of
them kicked a thousand Mexican ass.
Now, that's what
kind of army they had.
Hundred and twenty m*therf*ckers
kicked 2,000 people in the ass.
Now, that's something.
Mexicans didn't wanna
fight about nothing.
No, they was
good people. Shit.
They just trusted too much.
That's how they get
f*cked up, you see.
When you own the property,
they should've just kept their mouth shut
and say, "No, this is mine,
I don't wanna deal nothing.
"f*ck you. Keep your shit."
Well, I had a Mexican friend,
named Jesus.
Yeah, he was
a good friend of mine.
We used to hablo espanol.
That's right.
He went to jail with me.
We went. We did time together
out there in Los Angeles County.
That right.
It was a hell of a time, boy.
I mean,
you ever heard of lice?
We was in jail. Them little bugs like that,
you know what I mean?
They get on you in your sleep
and they eat you up alive.
They make you just
scratch your damn...
I'll tell you something,
you ever had them crabs?
You ever heard of them?
Just a little teeny bug.
They like pubics.
They get in your pubics,
and it's hot like this,
they drive you crazy.
They'll make you
scratch in public.
I'm not lying.
You be walking down
the street like this
and that heat and them crabs start
moving back and forth like that,
they'll make you
get down in there and...
I damn near pulled my nuts off one time,
man.
They were down in there so...
But you have to put that blue
ointment and shit on them.
That's right. I don't know
what it does to them
but they don't
move for a while.
You put that on there
and then they cool down.
Make them drunk or something,
I don't know.
I remember one time,
we was out of ointment
and Jesus gave me
some of his cologne.
I don't know, mister,
if you ever done this or not
but don't ever put
no cologne on your nuts.
'Cause I didn't know.
I took two big handfuls
of this cologne
and I hit it on my nuts
all under here like this.
Well, it was cool at first.
It felt real soothing.
Pretty soon, it come next
the burning and shit.
And I was fanning,
them crabs was moving every which way.
And I say,
"Oh, Lordy, Lordy, please."
I say, "Chocolate, help me.
My nuts are on fire."
I say, "Blow on it,
Chocolate, blow on it.
"They're gonna burn up
if you don't."
Chocolate say, "They be burnt
to hell if I got to blow them."
Then Jesus come around.
He was smoking a cigarette.
And he got real close
and I guess them fumes...
Something happened
'cause a big fire went "poof" like that.
And jumped up,
and I was back like this.
I'm trying to put
that shit out.
Them crabs went crazy then.
They just jumped
every which way.
I ran and sat on the toilet.
And damn Jesus,
he flushed the toilet.
My balls was hanging down
there in the toilet.
And that water was pulling them,
too, real hard.
And I say, "g*dd*mn, Jesus,
help me out of here."
Just as I got my nuts out,
a g*dd*mn earthquake.
I'm standing there, "Help."
Burnt up nuts is hurting.
The damndest time
I ever had, man.
Yeah, I ain't going
back there no more.
I left there.
I had fun but I left there.
Had a nice lady friend.
She was good to me.
We never did no sex or nothing,
'cause she had a rectomy.
You know, that's where
they scrape the p*ssy out
and just leave the box
that it came in.
Me and her got along
real good, you know.
That's Mudbone.
I love you,
Richard!
You love me?
Shit, I love you, too.
It's easy to love somebody.
That's all you got to do.
Sit with them a little while,
talk to them.
Most people you talk to,
they's intelligent.
Most people, as I said.
Thank you, Mudbone.
Drink some of this water,
I hope.
They say your water is bad.
Good.
Just checking.
I thought they was joking.
I ain't gonna take no chances,
'cause I don't wanna have the shits
in the middle of the night, Jack.
Ain't nothing worse when you got
to shit and can't sleep, too.
That's miserable than a mother...
You lay down, get a good...
"Oh, hold it!"
'Cause you can't
f*ck or nothing
when you gotta go
to the bathroom, right?
"Say, baby... Oh, hold it!
"Oh. Just a minute.
Hold the p*ssy right there.
"Just a minute, I'll be right back.
Hold it."
I haven't done any dr*gs now,
it's been seven months.
All right!
And that's a lot,
that's a lot for me,
you know, 'cause I done...
I think I done dr*gs
since I was, like, 14.
You know what I mean?
Off and on,
it was chip in.
But when I was about 19,
I started doing it real heavy, right?
And this is the first time, I think,
in my life, I feel like this,
being sober and then
being off dr*gs, too.
It's a real strange feeling.
And I get scared
when I'm out here sometime.
I get real nervous about it.
I wanna f*cking run,
you know?
I look out there,
"Shit. It's scary."
And I say, "f*ck it.
Go through it.
"Just feel the experience.
"Go through it
and just f*ck it."
'Cause I have some dr*gs and shit now,
I wouldn't give a f*ck.
But then I wouldn't... I'd come off stage,
I still wouldn't give a f*ck.
Then, by the time you're 50,
a lot of no giving a f*ck,
you miss part of your life.
"Say, what happened to your life?"
"I didn't give a f*ck."
But I had some fun.
It's just so strange, like,
the people you meet
that remember shit you did when
you used to get f*cked up,
and you don't
want to remember.
But they know
the shit real well.
"Richard!
Don't you remember me?
"We was f*cked up
together, Jack.
"We was walking
down the street, right,
"and you stuck your arm
up that elephant's ass.
"Don't you remember that?
"Elephant tightened
his ass up around your arm,
"went walking down
the street with you.
"You was swinging
back and forth like that.
"You looked like
a turd with a hat on.
"Don't you remember that?"
And you meet women you liked,
that you'd been with,
and you meet them,
you see them, you go, "What?
"I was not with
this m*therf*cker."
"Hi, you remember me?
"You said I was so beautiful.
"We made love for 14 hours."
And you be saying to yourself,
"Oh, shit."
"I'm going to have a baby."
"Not if I can help it,
m*therf*cker."
I'd be, "Right to
the abortionist, please.
"Doc, uh, there's me and there's
this lady and both of us is ugly.
"Please don't let us
have a child.
"Please, don't."
What is that, sir?
Oh, don't snatch it.
Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it.
I know he's white.
Give him a break.
What is that?
What is that called, sir?
Oh, shit.
Oh, it's a crab.
Uh, what is it called?
A crab?
And it's a drink?
Oh, well, thanks a lot.
Next time that m*therf*cker
come up here,
beat the shit out of his ass.
Well, this crab, man,
he ain't gonna do nothing but die.
You know, well, shit.
Attaboy, Rich!
Let's... let's listen
to the crab.
"Why are you
f*cking with me?"
What?
"I wanna know why
you're f*cking with me.
"I was in the ocean,
I was just crawling along,
"and some assh*le grabbed me.
"I'm trying to find my way
back to the ocean. Can you..."
Uh, no, sir.
See, you're here on stage.
"Oh, shit, on stage?
Let me get back in the shell."
Come on out.
"Yeah, okay.
*
"You know I got kind
of drunk in that glass.
"Just a minute.
Where in the f*ck am I?
"Oh, boy. I thought
this was another woman.
"It's just a brown chair.
"Holy shit!
Hey, the world is round.
"Whoopsydaisy. Holy shit!
"Good thing
you caught me, pal.
"You ever had
crab piss on you?"
I'm gonna put you
back in the jar.
"That's a good idea,
you assh*le.
"And put some water
on me too, schmuck."
All right, I'm gonna get him some.
Can we put this in something?
Well, here's some water.
Do they live in water?
Not in... Y'all wouldn't even
put a crab in your own water.
Please, don't put
no crab in the water.
Where...Where's someplace where there's
some water? I mean, that's not...
I'm gonna take this m*therf*cker
to the bay or something.
Put him back in.
No, give him a chance.
He gonna live.
We gonna save...
We gonna save this one.
Can we put him
in something, man? Please?
We gonna save him.
'Cause this m*therf*cker did a show.
He's gonna get off.
Send him back. Here.
No, I'm gonna keep
this rubber duck.
This I wanna
talk about, here.
This is...
This is intelligence.
What? What, m*therf*cker?
Well, I should've let the black
man do his job or something.
Oh, now, what...
A raisin crab?
A racing crab.
Oh, well,
thank you sir.
I like the way
you talk though.
I don't give a f*ck.
Y'all talk cool.
I don't give a f*ck.
It's a racing crab here.
This will go on.
I will scare a bitch
to death with this one.
Come out and say, you go,
"Darling, are you ready?"
"Yes, Rich."
Well, I don't want
no more shit now.
Thank you very much, sir.
He gave me the rubber thing,
and, I don't know, this...
It's a balloon.
That's a swan balloon.
No, that's really nice, yeah.
That's real clever.
Real intelligent.
Really, really. Here you go.
Come on. Come on out.
Come here.
Let...let the people see you,
m*therf*cker.
Come on, man.
Thank you.
*
Hey, Rich, how's
your daughter's girlfriend?
How's my...
How's my what?
Wait. Just take your time.
Don't get carried away now.
This is not participation.
A lot of shit
happened in your life
you don't,
just don't remember.
I guess I should have learnt
from people that I knew
that would get f*cked up
when I was little.
But I didn't... I didn't think
that they were on dope or nothing.
I thought they were cool.
'Cause I had friends, like,
I had a friend, Motif.
The m*therf*cker,
he...he just sounded so cool.
Anything.
He took his time to answer.
All right, you talk to him,
you go, "Hi, Motif." He go,
"What's happening?"
I was young.
I thought that was cool.
Me and my friends would go
around and talk to him.
Say something to Motif. Go ahead.
Say something. Come on.
"Hey, Motif!"
"Hey."
Motif was cool, Jack.
I didn't know he had
shot his brains out.
But he liked to talk to me sometime,
you know.
It was real nice, you know.
I'd sit around.
Hey, Rich! Hey,
man, come here.
Come here.
Jack, dig this.
Look, uh, you do me a favour?
Now, don't be bullshitting now,
and do something for me.
I want you to take these watches in the bag,
back here.
You take these...
Just some watches,
m*therf*cker.
Take these watches
down the street for me.
No, I can't carry them
'cause police are looking for me.
No, I ain't stoled them, no.
I ain't no stealer,
God damn it.
I wouldn't be
giving them to you. Shit.
They're watches, man.
Five for $1.
No, they good. What kind
of a shit you think...
Yeah, they're good.
Check this one.
Check this one.
This is one of the bad ones
but I got us some good ones and shit, man.
It's there.
So you carry them for me?
What you mean?
No, they not looking for me.
You know who they
looking for, man?
Looking for my brother,
Bobby.
No, 'cause the bitch up the street
talking about I broke in her house.
You know, she said I broke in
there and stole some of her shit.
I didn't do it 'cause
I told her, you know.
I said,
"Look, I want your shit,
"I just come in here
and take it."
You know,
I ain't got to break in.
I'm bold. You know,
I walk in the door.
You know, yeah,
but then Bobby do that shit, right?
Do you see Bobby?
Bobby was with them three white dudes
and they popped
that liquor store.
Yeah, Bobby.
And you know Bobby like
to be hanging
with them m*therf*ckers.
'Cause he crazy.
I seen him.
I was with him, man.
We wandered in the liquor store.
Bobby bad.
He put his p*stol
on the counter, stepped back.
The m*therf*cker bad.
He say, "I want the money.
"See that p*stol, m*therf*cker?
Beat me to that."
Oh, man.
I told the man, I say,
"Don't move, mister.
He got another one."
Shit.
And Bobby, he crazy, man.
He threw the other one
on the counter and say,
"Beat me to
either one of them."
See, that's the way
his mind be popping, man.
But he be f*cked up, right?
You know, see,
he be going...
They gonna send him to jail.
Then they'll send me along
just on GP.
I told him, I say, "Bobby,
I ain't going to jail for nobody.
"You dig?" Shit.
I done told on
too many people up there.
They get me back up there,
Jack, I'd be p*ssy nine years.
Shit, yeah, I told on the m*therf*cker.
I ain't going.
Shit. It was easy, too.
Mother say, "Wasn't that hard."
f*ck it. Shit. Him or me.
m*therf*cker talking
about five years?
Shit, I'll just tell on
any m*therf*cker I know.
I ain't gonna be able to
get no shit for five years?
I start naming off names
like a m*therf*cker, Jack.
Alphabetical order, too.
Shit, yeah, they like
to be f*cking around.
Hey, Les, where you been,
m*therf*cker?
What took you so long?
We supposed to do business.
Yeah, but you be
f*cking around.
Where you been, m*therf*cker?
What you been up to?
Where? You see Bobby?
Yeah, what the f*ck
is the deal, man?
No, 'cause the cops
come over to my house.
Where were you guys?
No, I didn't do shit.
Don't be putting me
in that shit, man.
No, 'cause they gonna
get Bobby
'cause that one
h*nky is tough, man.
I saw that m*therf*cker, boy.
He jumped down
in the pool hall.
He whooped
three or four m*therf*ckers.
So,
I know you ain't gonna be f*cking with him.
You could take
the baseball bat, Jack.
Bust his m*therf*cking head.
You ain't got to
take that shit.
Let me tie this
m*therf*cker off.
Tie it up there. Shit.
There it is.
Shit. I had it here
yesterday.
Shit. Shit.
There it is, m*therf*cker.
Now, partner. Oh, yeah.
In the vein, m*therf*cker.
What you...
What, is you high?
Well, why the f*ck
you wait to get off
and then you gonna come
and jab it on me, man?
There you go. Yeah.
Yeah, let it ride. Shit.
Yeah, shit.
Man.
Mmm.
Baby.
That's some shit there, man.
That's...
Shit.
Shit.
That mother...
Hey, man, this shit was...
This, uh...
Uh...
Shit.
Did you...
Did you... Did...
m*therf*cker.
I got the crabs. Shit.
No, I ain't got no
m*therf*cking... What?
The critter?
Look at... Look at
this m*therf*cker, man.
Look. Listen.
Look, baby. Look.
I can't get over there.
Listen, m*therf*cking thing.
Look at them
m*therf*ckers, man.
Now, that's...
That's... That's life.
That's into the realm of life.
Dig? See how he was in life?
Then he f*cked around
and wasn't in it no more.
He fell off, man.
You...you can do that.
You could...
You couldn't do that.
I couldn't do that,
but he could.
This is relating.
You got to relate to life
to the... to the utmost.
*
Sit down, my nig!
Hey, man!
Why don't you stop jerking with me,
m*therf*cker?
No, man, I'm over here
doing my little business.
I'm cool,
but I ain't f*cking with you.
You... You come...
You came by here yesterday
with that same old shit.
You be jaw-jacking.
Yeah, I know.
I know you cool.
I know about all, you got your shit but,
man, I'm Superman.
Yeah, dude.
As long as you don't hit me in the vein,
m*therf*cker, I'm all right.
Yeah, you have to k*ll me
two or three weeks.
Shit. Wait a minute.
What the f*ck you gonna do?
What you saying?
Ah, man, bullshitting.
Junkie serenade or something?
That's right. I'm...
Dig this. Check the logic.
Check the logic.
Check the logic.
I went downtown, right?
Now, this is me, right?
I'm gonna try to get the job.
The m*therf*cker tell me
I can't have the job
but I can take an application.
Are you ready for that?
I say,
"Well, what's the logic?"
What is the logical conclusion
of the logic of it?
I just wanted to know.
I figured it was something
wrong with the logic.
Yeah.
m*therf*cker tell me
I ain't dependable.
Say, "Maybe,
I got a $200 a day habit.
"I ain't missed a payment."
Shit.
Is that dependable?
Shit, what...
I say, "Hey, you know
what I would like to have?
"The job as the town junkie."
Right? 'Cause I could
stand around the corner.
I could get f*cked up
for the tourists.
They... You know?
Shit, that's work.
'Cause I like
to get f*cked up.
And we'd both be doing
each other a favour
'cause the m*therf*cker keep
trying to rehabilitate me.
Methadone.
Shit, I got hooked
on that in two weeks.
You ever f*ck
with that methadone, man?
That shit is weird.
Shit will send you off.
They be talking
about you going to hell.
I say,
"Shit, I've been there.
"I had so much fun, they kicked me out,
that m*therf*cker."
Shit. I know I ain't
going to heaven. Shit.
I'm just going.
That's right.
I'm gonna do it
in my own time.
Just go.
I don't have to do nothing.
Right? m*therf*cker change...
Feel sorry for me? Shit.
I did it to myself.
Yeah.
f*ck it.
If I come back, I hope you
m*therf*ckers have this shit right.
'Cause you done
f*cked it up this time.
That...
You just...
You weren't sensitive,
you m*therf*ckers.
You wasn't sensitive.
You just...
Well, you just didn't like
a m*therf*cker sensitive man.
You run over people.
You put them...
You put them in a position
that they can't
do nothing in it.
Then, when they can't,
y'all say, "See?"
That...that wasn't right.
That wasn't right.
That's the same...
That ain't right.
I know
it's not right.
I know it ain't right,
and I tell the m*therf*cker about it,
they tell me, I'm crazy.
Yeah.
I know this shit is foul
with a capital foul.
I wish you the best.
All right, thank you.
Means...
Tell them, Rich!
I just... Thank you
very much. Thank you.
You know, I just was thinking,
now that I've been off dr*gs,
I wanted to relate
something to you.
I can remember when I was just
off dr*gs for a little while...
Yeah, I am.
You don't believe it.
I know a lot of people don't
and I don't give a f*ck
but I remember when I was...
Yeah, 'cause I meet people
since I stopped doing dr*gs.
I found out there's more
m*therf*ckers doing dr*gs.
I mean, doctors and shit.
Old ladies.
"Give me that blue one.
"And give me
another red one, please."
Right?
They call it a epidemic, now.
That means white folks
are doing it.
'Cause y'all used
to drive through
our neighbourhoods
and shit and go,
"Oh, look at that.
Isn't that terrible?"
Then you get home,
your 14-year-old would be f*cked up.
You'd go, "Oh, my God!
It's an epidemic!"
Maybe next time you see black
people in trouble, you'll help.
Maybe. Right?
But I... When I stopped,
I noticed something real strange, man.
I noticed,
about the fourth month,
that my d*ck was smaller
than I thought.
No, I did 'cause I'd knew
I had 14, 15 inches.
And I was in the bathroom
one day, taking a piss,
I say, "Hey!
"What happened to my d*ck?
"Hey, I've been robbed!
"Somebody stole my d*ck,
"left me with this
little child's pee-wee!"
And women'll go,
"Do men have d*ck hang-ups?"
Shit.
You don't think they do.
Like, if you're with a guy and
you plan on a first date, right?
You might give him
a shot tonight.
You wait till you get home
and he gets undressed
and then give him that look.
You know, that look
you women have when you go...
You talking
about a m*therf*cker
getting dressed fast,
right here.
"Well, gee, it was all right
when I left home."
I noticed that...
I remember, when I was 20,
my d*ck was hard
all the time.
I mean, it'd wake up
at attention. I'd be...
"Rich, are we going out
on patrol today?"
I mean, some mornings,
it would wake me up.
You know, I'd be sleeping,
hit me on the chest. "Rich!
"Rich, wake up.
I gotta go to the bathroom."
You know?
And it would lead me
to the bathroom. I'd be...
"Over there.
Right into the dock. Yeah!"
And it'd piss hard.
You remember, you'd be going...
Half an hour you're...
Go back to bed, Jack.
Now, some mornings I wake up,
I wonder whose d*ck it is, Jack.
"Hey, speak to me!"
"Uh? What?
"What is it, Rich?
We on fire again? What? What?"
And I...I'd be kind of
scared about today, man,
'cause women know we're lucky
they f*ck us at all, man,
'cause they got
them machines.
You ever seen them?
And they got them numbers and shit on them.
Plug them boys in.
And you be standing there
with just a d*ck, right?
"Uh, tell me
when it's my turn, will you?
"Oh, that's all right.
Thank you. Never mind.
"I'll come back tomorrow."
Women know
they got the p*ssy, man.
They know we like it, too.
They know it.
I mean, they know.
The bottom line, women know.
"I got the p*ssy.
"And it's good."
'Cause, there ain't no such
thing as bad p*ssy, right?
'Cause a lot of ladies...
If the ladies here tonight
think they got a bad p*ssy,
I'd like to see you
after the show.
I'd like to give
a second opinion.
Sure want some water, but I don't
wanna drink none of that shit, now.
You got me scared.
Spring water?
Rainwater.
Rainwater? What is
this little bug in it?
Thank you very... What's your name?
Luanne.
Luanne, take your ass
back to your seat.
Thank you. Thank you,
Luanne, very much.
You're just... That's
a very kind thing to do.
I can't get this little
m*therf*cking thing out of here.
See, I'm very,
just crazy about shit.
When shit in something,
I like to go, "Hey."
Thank you, Luanne, very much.
No!
No!
Don't do it, Rich.
Thank you, Luanne.
That's...
Huh?
Can I get a kiss? No, baby.
You might have herpes.
I don't wanna be
f*cking around.
No, siree, Bob.
Now, they got that herpes
and shit going around.
That makes me
be very careful, Jack.
I wanna examine
the p*ssy real good, now.
Don't you women do that?
Like, if you gonna have a one night stand,
don't you be very cautious?
It's like, "Put the d*ck
right here in my hand."
Right? Get that jeweller's glass out and,
"Just a minute.
"Okay."
'Cause they got some
shit out there, man,
make your d*ck
look like a foot.
For a long time.
I'm not lying.
You look down,
look like a little baby's foot hanging there.
Walking up your leg and shit.
No, you gotta be very careful, shit.
That's why I...
I go to public toilets, man,
I'd be watching them m*therf*ckers,
'cause I know some shit
in there waiting on me.
Right, I'd be real careful.
Only thing about a public toilet
is if somebody recognise my ass.
You know, 'cause you could go in
the toilet all in your life...
You go in the toilet,
take a shit, nobody say nothing.
They may make a face when you leave, right?
They go...
But they see me,
they start talking, "Richard Pryor!
"That was you
in there sh1tting?
"Man, you don't never
do the shit in public.
"Hey, everybody, come here.
Richard Pryor is in here sh1tting!"
And they got them...
You ever go into them urinals?
Ladies probably
never seen it.
It's got them
big urinals and shit.
And the men go in there,
stand right up in the urinal,
like they hiding
their shit or something.
They be right up
in there like...
And look each other
in the eye.
That's the way men definitely
look each other in the eye.
'Cause you don't look down.
You look down at it,
"What you looking at?"
Only trouble I have in there,
people wanna meet me.
Be pissing and talking about,
"Richard Pryor!
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry, girl.
"Here, shake my hand."
"f*ck you!"
Everybody be
standing up like this,
be cool Jack,
just looking in the eye.
Then some big-d*ck m*therf*cker come in,
right?
Stand way back here.
"What's happening, fellows?
"You wanna stand to the left?
"I'm gonna shake it
to the left, pal.
"You better move over."
Good night.
I love you.