♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ I took a break last night ♪
[mellow hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
♪ Had to get myself together ♪
♪ I took a-- I took a ♪
♪ I took a break ♪
♪ Keep fallin', I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
Cool.
Everybody sit down.
Thank you so much
for coming out.
Give it up for yourselves again.
Oh, my gosh.
[cheers and applause]
We're all here.
We made it.
Oh, man.
It's so great to be here
with all of you.
This is incredible.
This is absolutely amazing
'cause it means we did it.
We lived.
I'm not gonna lie.
I didn't think--
I didn't think I'd make it.
I didn't even get COVID.
I'm just not a survivor.
That's not how anybody
I know would describe me.
I'll even tell you what, a year
before the pandemic, right?
Fully before the pandemic,
I was just walking in New York
just looking up at the sky,
loving my life, right?
Just looking up, being happy.
And I stepped off the curb.
That's all that's happened
so far.
I stepped off the curb,
and I stepped on a bird, okay?
And here's the thing.
Not a dead bird, okay?
This bird was also
walking around
not paying attention,
loving his life.
We just collided with nature.
Humanity at once.
And so I stepped on the bird.
The bird and I freaked out,
and the bird and I
made the same noise.
That is not somebody that
survives a global pandemic,
all right?
If you can match the pitch
of a pigeon out of fear,
then no,
no one is checking for you
in the "Mad Max" movie,
all right?
You d*ed in the first
five seconds in that montage
about what went wrong
with the world.
It's just you and a bird like--
[squawks]
Like that's how it ends.
This is insane, you know?
Global pandemic.
Last year was crazy
'cause this was the first thing
that ever happened
that happened to everybody.
That's wild.
That didn't even happen
in the World Wars,
and they're named
after the world,
you know?
There were some countries like,
"We good.
"We're just going
to sit out this one.
"Y'all seem to be working
a thing out over there, so...
"We kinda little.
We don't need
to be dusted up in that."
You know?
Some people thought
it was the end of the world,
which is why
I'm pretty sure that
in all that chaos,
in all that uncertainty,
in all that fear,
somebody somewhere, definitely
ate a person.
That happened, all right?
And we need to talk
about it, okay?
It's more likely
that it happened
than that it didn't happen.
You can't tell me out
of 7 billion people,
nobody was strong enough
and dumb enough
not to eat somebody
too quick, okay?
This dude's getting arrested
this year, like,
"Okay, I'm the only one
who ate somebody.
"A'ight.
"I'm going.
"How was I supposed
to know next year
"there'd still be
Cap'n Crunch, all right?
"I'm going.
"Can I just say
something though?
"Can I just say something?
"Nobody even liked Dave, okay?
"That's why it took y'all
so long to catch him.
"Nobody was checking for Dave.
"Look, I'm going.
I'm going.
"Nobody was checking for Dave.
"Come on.
Can I say something else?
"Can I just-- can I just say
something else real quick?
"He was a little gamey.
"He was a little dry, all right?
"So now I gotta go
to jail off a meal
"that wasn't even good off
of a dude that nobody liked.
"Where's the justice?
"He was a one-star meal
and person, all right?
I'm going, I said."
The thing that bothers me now
is that now
that there's vaccines
and, you know,
there's whole game plans
for how we're going
to att*ck this thing,
there are people that want
to act like they knew
it was going to be okay
the entire time.
They wanna act like they were
cool the whole time,
and that bothers me.
It makes me mad, you know?
Doctors were like,
"We've never seen anything
like this before, all right?"
And you were like,
"No, I think it'll be fine."
No, that's not true.
Everybody was at least
a little bit panicked.
And you know how I know that?
Remember that food run in March?
Remember that food run
where people thought
it was the end of the world?
And they ran past the food
to the toilet paper.
They thought we were
all gonna die,
and they ran past
the cheese snacks
to what they were going
to wipe their butt with.
There's never been a better ad
for a bidet.
[cheers and applause]
There's never been
a better ad for a bidet
than a soccer mom
punching an old lady
in the face for some Charmin.
She hits the ground.
Lady's running with it
under her arm.
Even the mascot bear's like,
"Ooh."
You know?
But you knew it would be okay.
Come on.
I knew some people
that were quarantined
with their whole family
the entire time, you know?
Like seven people in, like,
a two-bedroom house.
Oof.
Let's say it happens.
Society crumbles.
The infrastructure fails.
It's time to start
eating people.
There are people
that were just looking
at their fattest cousin like,
"It's gonna be you, all right?
"What you gonna do?
Run?
"No, it's too late for that,
all right?
Plus he diabetic, so I know
he going to be sweet, okay?"
I like how that was
a line for you.
We've been eating people
for four minutes straight--
of eating people jokes,
and diabetic was where
you were like, "Ooh.
Not if they taste like cake."
The pandemic definitely--
it definitely made me glad
that I...
grew up Black in America.
You know what I mean?
[cheers and applause]
'Cause nothing prepares you
for a pandemic in America
like being Black
in regular America.
You know what I mean?
Just sitting there like, what?
Wait, wait, wait.
What's that you say?
Food is scarce,
medical attention
is hard to come by,
and jobs in the community
are being lost by the thousands?
What is this?
A Tuesday?
You know what I mean?
Even now-- even now
that we have a vaccine,
and there's a light
at the end of the tunnel,
there's a lot Black people
that don't want to take it.
And I understand.
I do get it.
They don't want to take it
'cause of history,
you know what I mean?
Like, it's just not
on science's side.
We've been experimented on
before, and we remember.
But I will say
I'm fully vaccinated.
[cheers and applause]
That's the first time anybody's
clapped for my asthma.
That is incredible.
Okay.
I'll take it.
But I am fully vaccinated.
And I would tell
all the Black people
that I know in my life
and out of it,
that this is the one to get.
And I know it's the one to get
'cause they didn't want
to give it to us right away.
Don't get me wrong.
If you're just out
playing basketball
and some white men in white
coats just walk up like,
"Would you kids like
some free medicine?"
Then yeah, no, no.
Back away.
But there were whole states
that were like,
"Wait your turn, n*gg*r."
That's how you know
it's the good stuff.
I'm sorry about the truth.
I don't know what to tell you.
[cheers and applause]
But yeah, I-- I know
last year was scary.
It was.
'Cause some people's--
some people's worst fears
came true last year.
There's some people
whose worst fear
in their entire life
is losing their job
and not being able to provide
for their family,
and that happened.
There's some people
whose worst fear
in their entire life
is getting sick
and being a burden
on the people that they love,
and that happened.
I had my worst fear
in my entire life
come true last year.
I got a bee stuck in my hair.
I know it doesn't sound like
it matches up,
but let me explain.
First of all,
I am deathly allergic, okay?
I'm dea-- if I get stung,
I will die.
Me plus bee equals dead, okay?
That's the quick math for you.
And this thing came in hot,
all right?
It sh*t in my hair
like it belonged there.
And at first, I just tried
to whip my hair back and forth.
Tried to get it out.
That didn't help at all.
It just got it more stuck.
So now I am running up
to people screaming for help,
but there is no quicker way
to look schizophrenic
than running up to people
screaming for help,
and they can't see the thr*at,
all right?
So now I'm running up
to white people
in the park
ruining picnics, okay?
I am stepping in people's pesto.
I'm slipping in hummus.
I fell and snapped
a whole charcuterie board.
And I know what
I should have done.
I should have--
I should have run up,
and I should've been like,
"Hey, I'm so sorry,
"but if I could get
your attention
"for just a second,
there's a bee in my hair,
"and I'm deathly allergic.
"If you could help me out,
that would be
a literal lifesaver, okay?"
I was too panicked
for any of that, all right?
So I just ran up on 'em like,
"It's in me!
"Can't you hear it?
It's gonna k*ll me!"
And I forgot to mention up top
that when I slipped
in the hummus,
I rolled my ankle, so...
I didn't even get
to run up on the regular.
I was running up,
I'm like, "It's in me!
"Can't you hear it?
It's gonna k*ll me!"
People were running away
from me.
It was terrible.
It was absolutely horrible.
And this is the thing-- thing
that bothered me the most--
the thing that really
stressed me out--
even broke my heart
a little bit--
was this was the one time--
the one time
in my entire life
that I needed white people
to touch my hair,
and they were nowhere
to be found.
I wasn't asking.
I was begging.
I was like, "I'm gonna die!"
And they were like,
"No, no, I know better.
"I learned about this,
all right?
"I went to Vassar.
"You're not going
to get me canceled.
"I took a sensitivity class.
Where's the Twitter?"
Oh.
I developed a lot of pet peeves
in the pandemic, you know?
A lot of things that
didn't bother me before
that definitely bother me now.
Really upset me.
Like, um...
I'm done with horoscopes.
You can read yours
but don't read me mine, okay?
And I say I'm done because
they're too esoteric for me,
you know?
"You'll find love
in love's place
when love's ready
to do love's thing."
You think?
Wow.
You basically just said
something's going
to happen eventually.
That's your prediction.
I would just rather horoscope
with less words.
That would make me happier.
I would rather open up
a newspaper,
go down to where it says Pisces,
and it just says, "Don't."
I'm sure I was going to do
something dumb that day.
The other reason
I'm done with them
is because, you know...
[scoffs]
Everybody here was born.
Everybody here's got a sign
whether you believe
in it or not.
Everyone has one, right?
How did everybody's horoscope
miss a global pandemic?
It was coming whether you
were, like, a Leo or a Libra
or, like, the scales
or the-- the-- the dolphin
and the-- the dog,
whatever it is.
It was coming no matter what.
So I still have people
who have the nerve
to read me my horoscope
and, like,
"It says something very special
is on the way for you."
Really?
It couldn't have said,
"Mask up March 15th?"
That would have
still been mysterious.
I...
I had a hard time in lockdown.
I really did.
In quarantine, it was hard.
It was really, really hard
because it--
it made a liar out of me.
It did.
'Cause I've always said,
my entire life...
If I just had the time.
Oh, if I had the time,
I'd learn another language.
I'd get ripped.
I'd learn how to build a house.
Turns out, if you lock me
in my room for nine months,
I won't do any of those things.
I would just rather watch TV
until I fall asleep
in succession.
I watched TV and fell asleep
so many times
that the only way
that I knew if I ate
was if I woke up
with Dorito dust on my collar.
I was just waking up
middle of the day just--
[gasping for air]
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Oh.
My-- that became my life.
My life just became
screens nonstop.
It was either my phone
or my computer or my TV nonstop.
I was either on the internet
or I was watching something.
And it got to be a lot.
It got to the point
where I knew I needed
to take a break, you know?
So I decided to do it.
I put-- I put everything down.
I turned everything off,
and I just sat in my room
and I would just sit,
and I would think.
Just try to be alone
with myself in a quiet place.
Like suss myself out,
get to know
what I'm really about in here.
And that...
was a terrible mistake.
It was.
It was a terrible-- it was the--
one of the dumbest things
I've ever done in my life.
First of all,
I'm just sitting, thinking.
I'm not thinking after reading.
I'm just thinking
raw-ass thoughts.
These aren't good thoughts.
These are just things
I'd normally
be too distracted
by TV to think.
And they were real dumb.
And that was heartbreaking.
It was.
I always thought
if I just sat and thought,
I'd come up with a theory
or something.
And I was just
sitting there, like,
"Oh, my God.
All of these things are dumb.
"Am I dumb?
"Is this how
dumb people find out?
"'Cause that last thing
was real dumb,
and I'm the only one talking."
That's what happens when
you sit with your thoughts.
But I knew
I had to take a break.
I knew it because
I got to the point where
I wasn't sure
if I knew who I was
when there wasn't a screen
in front of my face,
you know?
Because I know
it sounds bad to say,
but there's an online me,
and there's an in-person me.
And I know it sounds fake
to say that,
but it's true, you know?
And I'm scared that
the online version is better.
I am because online, I try to--
I try to educate people,
you know?
I-- I take up for people
that I don't know.
I fight for causes
that I believe in.
But in real life,
I saw my friend, Sean,
get jumped,
and I was like,
"He probably did something.
"Uh...
"I don't see how that's
my business, you know?
"Honestly,
it wouldn't be three of them
"if he didn't do it-- if he
didn't deserve it, you know?
"In fact, let me turn around.
"I don't like him
screaming my name like that.
I don't want to be involved."
You know?
Online, I try to educate people
that I feel like
are being ignorant.
But you know what I don't do
in real life?
Read!
Like, I don't know
where I get off
talking down to people.
'Cause I got a keyboard
in front of me.
Online,
I tell people I don't know
to keep following their dream,
okay?
I tell them that they can do it.
I don't know if they can do it.
I keep telling them
that they can do it, okay?
And in real life,
I gave a street performer
money to stop.
I was online,
and I saw this guy
making fun of this kid
for being too skinny
'cause he posted
a workout video,
and there was this big dude
making fun of him, right?
And so I told him, "Hey.
"If you want to get
your ass b*at,
come to this address."
And in real life, I gave him
my buddy Sean's address.
See what I mean?
Like...
how was I supposed to know
he was gonna bring
two other people?
That's just unfair.
'Cause I'm also relearning
how to be in the world,
you know?
I was awkward before,
but I'm insufferable now.
I am.
I am almost a year out
of practice from being weird.
Like, I go-- I go--
I go on walks,
and I remember I left the house
for this walk, right?
And while I was on it,
I bumped into a guy.
And we bumped
into each other hard
'cause we both just weren't
paying attention.
And when I-- I bumped into him,
I immediately whipped around
to apologize.
But when I turned around,
he was standing there,
and a...
a g*n had fallen out
of his waistband.
And so I-- I looked at the g*n,
and I looked at him.
And he looked at the g*n,
and he looked at me.
And here's the thing.
I was raised in the South,
right?
So I was raised to be polite.
I was raised to, you know,
make people feel comfortable,
be affable and everything.
So out of pure instinct,
I-- I almost-- I knelt down
to pick up this man's g*n.
And about halfway down,
I was like,
"Let me not put my fingerprints
on this loose g*n."
He doesn't even have a holster.
I am sure he is gonna do
something illegal
with this g*n.
And so I just stood back up,
and then he knelt down,
and he picked it up.
And he put it back
in his waistband,
and we just stared
at each other.
And then I went--
[stutters]
"Evening."
I've never in my life.
"Evening, sir."
I don't know why,
but I felt like if I skipped,
he wouldn't sh**t me,
you know what I mean?
I'm a moving target.
So as I was on a walk--
'cause that's all I do now.
Just leave the house
and walk till I get tired
and then come home
and fall asleep and walk again.
I'm basically my own dog.
'Cause during lockdown,
what else could you do?
That was all you could
only go for.
Everything was closed, you know?
And so I was on this walk,
and I actually got to see
a public proposal.
And I saw this guy stand
in front of this woman,
and he took a step back,
and he knelt.
He whipped a ring out.
He popped it open.
Asked her to marry him.
And then she
hit him in the head with a rock.
And...
I am not a relationship expert,
but that seems like a hard no.
That's a fast pass
right there, you know?
And I don't know them.
I don't know what's going on
with them or anything,
so I just had to insert
something for myself.
And if I'm being honest,
last year, a lot of people
moved in together real quick.
They were like, "Listen,
it's the end of the world.
"I'm not paying two rents,
all right?
"Let's just live together.
I like you enough.
We'll survive."
So people partnered up
and maybe that's
what happened to them.
They partnered up early
in the pandemic,
and every day,
he fell more and more
in love with her.
And every day...
She got sicker
and sicker of him,
you know?
Month two: they're sitting
at the breakfast table
and he's just looking at her.
He's just thinking.
He's not saying anything
that's out loud.
He's just thinking.
"Wow.
"The world may never
be normal again.
"The world may be changed
forever as we know it,
"and I get to be sitting across
from this beautiful woman.
"This-- this amazing woman,
"that she even eats cute.
"Look at her eating her cereal.
"Little-- little bites.
She is-- she's just
too cute, you know?"
And then she's sitting
across from him thinking,
"Is this m*therf*cker
watching me chew?
"I don't like him looking deep
in my mouth like that.
"That is weird as hell.
Make me not even want
my food anymore."
Month four:
they're laying down watching
a movie together.
He has both of her hands
in his hands.
And he's just thinking, like,
"Look at these--
look at these little hands.
"Look at these
dainty little hands.
She has the cutest hands
in the world."
And then she's thinking,
"This clammy bitch.
"How did he even
get his hands this wet?
"Did he wash his hands
"before he sat down
and watched the movie?
"My hands are soaking wet
right now.
"I am sopping wet.
"I got a cup of water
in my hand right now
"from his weak fingers
rubbing up against my hands."
Month eight:
maybe they-- maybe they're
on a walk or something.
Maybe they're actually
able to go out
and do a thing, you know?
Not much is open,
but maybe they go to, like,
a Froyo place or something.
They're eating it together,
and he's like--
[whimpering]
"Look at her eating
her little Froyo.
"You know what?
I can't wait.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna do it."
- Oh, no.
"I'm going to ask this
beautiful woman to marry me.
"I'm going to get down
on one knee
"and ask this angel to make me
the happiest man in the world."
And then she was
sitting there thinking,
"If his head was just
a little lower,
"I bet I could knock it
clean off.
"I bet I could cr*ck
his damn cerebellum
if he gave me the chance."
Cause I should mention-- I don't
know if I mentioned it up top--
but when she hit him
in the head with a rock,
she didn't pick up the rock.
She just had a rock on her,
okay?
She was just as ready
to hit him in the head
with a rock
as he was to propose.
Both just walking all day
with a rock
in their back pocket,
and hers was just bigger.
'Cause I should point out
I wasn't the only one
who saw this, you know?
Like, with any public proposal,
a crowd gathered around.
People were aww-ing.
People started to clap.
This proposal got claps.
But it only got two claps
'cause people saw him kneel.
And they even started-- they're
like, "That is so beau--
We should mind our business.
Let's just go."
When I was trying
to take a break from my phone,
you know what I really missed?
My phone.
I did.
It was like-- it hurt.
It-- it was weird.
It's hard to even explain,
you know?
And it's when--
it's when it occurred to me
that no one
will ever love anyone
as much as you love your phone.
I know it sounds sad to say,
but it's true.
It is.
You know?
I've had conversations
with people,
deep, long conversations
where I was like,
"Wow, right now in this moment,
"I think I'm making
a friend for life.
"I've opened up to this person
more than I've opened up
to anyone in years."
And eventually, they do just
pull out their phone and start,
like, checking something.
And that's supposed to be rude,
but it's not rude.
The phone is better.
It is.
You can do anything
you want on the phone,
and I'm just yapping
about my parents' divorce.
They pull out the phone like,
"This is way better than what
was happening two seconds ago.
"Oh, my God.
Oh, he's still going.
He is a mess."
You know?
I drop my phone sometimes.
I don't know
if anyone else here does.
But think about
the noises you make
when you almost drop your phone.
The true heartbreaking noises
that you make.
It hadn't even hit the ground
yet and you're like--
[shrieking]
That was just it slipping
through one finger.
It's still-- it's still
in your hand, but you--
[shrieking]
And you mean it.
It's coming from deep in here.
It's coming from the heart.
You couldn't mean it more.
It's biological in you
to make that noise
when you're dropping your baby.
Now think of the noises we make
when we see actual
car accidents.
"Ooh, that's messed up.
I hope everybody okay.
That looks terrible."
You see how those
should be reversed?
'Cause truly, I drop my phone,
and I go through
all five stages of grief.
I really do.
You know?
I drop it.
It hits the ground.
Denial.
[scoffs]
"That's-- that's-- that's--
that's not a cr*ck.
"That's just a hair, all right?
"That's just a hair,
and as soon as I wipe it,
"I'm gonna be gucci, okay?
My phone is fine.
"I did not just mess up
my phone just now.
I'm good.
I'm good."
Anger.
"f*ck!
"I can't believe
"I just dropped this phone
"right outside the Apple store.
"I am standing--
I bought it six seconds ago.
"Cashier is still looking
at me in the face.
"He waving at me,
and I dropped this phone
through these brittle fingers."
Bargaining.
"That's just the case.
"That's the ca--
that's the case whole job
"is to be like
the Secret Service of the phone
"and take the hits
for the phone.
"So that's where it's just
like a little soldier.
"It took that hit.
It cracked.
My phone is fine though."
Depression.
"My ex was right.
"I don't handle
responsibility well at all
"and that's why she left.
And honestly, I think
she made the right move."
Acceptance.
"You know what?
"I just don't deserve
nice things, okay?
"I don't know where
I get off getting it.
I should've got a Nokia
like I deserve."
I've been visiting
more people now,
now that things are
opening up and stuff.
And I went to visit
one of my friends
who I haven't seen
since before any
of the pandemic, you know?
I haven't seen him
in a whole year,
and he lives with his mom,
his dad, his grandma,
and his cousin.
And it was so good
to see all of them,
hang out a little bit,
catch up and stuff,
but while I was there...
I--
not sure how to--
while I was-- basically,
my boy's grandma
got a crush on me,
and I don't know
what to do about it.
And I heard a couple "awws."
This is not a Hallmark crush,
all right?
This woman has carnal intentions
towards my body, okay?
She's not messing around.
Okay?
I was-- I was-- I was hanging
out there, and first of all,
she wait till everybody
leave the room to hit on me.
That's how you know
she a predator, okay?
She wait till she can make it
he said, she said, right?
So then everybody left the room
for a different reason,
and she got right up on me,
just in my face all over me.
And I tried
to let her down easy.
I try and make it scientific
about the pandemic, you know?
I was like, "Ma'am, ma'am,
"we should social distance...
"because, you know,
right now, I'm not vaccinated.
"You're not vaccinated, okay?
"And you're
in a high-risk demographic.
I would hate for something
to happen to you, all right?"
That's what I said.
And then she went...
[laughs]
"Oh, sweetie.
I'm high risk and high reward."
I was like--
[cheers and applause]
So I just stuck
to my buddy like glue.
Anywhere he went
is where I went in the house.
Just-- I was-- I was right
behind him everywhere he went.
I just didn't want to be
left alone with her again
'cause that mean
she's aggressive, okay?
And I'm not gonna lie.
She old,
but I think she faking it
'cause she's old,
but she's fast.
'Cause if we would
leave the room,
and she wouldn't be in the room
with us at all,
and I would turn around,
she'd just be right behind me.
Like, are you running?
How are you doing this?
But she was behind me,
and she pinched my butt.
And pitching butts is
that old lady sexual harassment
that nobody cares about,
you know?
Even if I tell people like,
"She got me, all right?"
They're like, "Well...
[scoffs]
"She's 85.
"You should've been faster,
okay?
Honestly, just move."
But she did.
She pinched my butt
and then whispered in my ear,
"You firm like my mattress."
It's like, "Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God.
I am going to leave."
And so I left, and I don't know
how, but she got my number.
I think she got it
out of my buddy's phone
when he wasn't paying attention.
And she has been sending me
nonstop thirst traps, okay?
But they're granny thirst traps
so it's just pictures
of food that she cook.
But still-- still,
there is innuendo involved,
you know?
She sent me a picture
of a cobbler
and then text me under it,
"I could break you off some if
you want to come on through."
I was like,
"I am going to throw my phone
in the river.
I hate this way more
than I love my phone."
I just want people
to be happy.
I feel like we can be happy
if we get out of our own way.
Like I-- I-- I have friends
who are dating,
trying to date
in New York and stuff.
And especially my female friends
will talk to me
about their troubles
trying to date in, like,
a metropolitan city--
trying to date in the age
of the apps and everything.
And I even had one friend,
she came to me with this list.
And it was the list
of everything
that she wanted
in a guy, you know?
And I told her honestly
'cause I care about her,
"I need you to take that list
"and throw it in the trash,
all right?
"Burn it if you have to
if that will help you
forget the memory."
I'll tell you right now,
there's only three things.
There's only three attributes
that you could hope for
in a guy that
you're gonna make a partner.
There's only three.
You need to pick two, okay?
You need to pick two
of those three,
whichever two you can live with
and move on 'cause you're
not gonna get all three.
I hate it for you,
but it's not gonna happen.
I'll go over 'em right now.
There's good d*ck,
good person,
got his sh*t together.
You need to pick
two of those three.
Whichever two work for you
and move on.
And if he has one, leave.
Don't let a one ruin your life.
Just one!
Mm.
I honestly-- I have friends
complain to me about their ones,
and I'm falling asleep
listening to the story
'cause it's just boring.
It's like, "Well, you told me
you had one to begin with,
so what are we really
talking about?"
If he's just a good person,
doesn't have good d*ck,
doesn't have his sh*t together,
just a good person?
That's a friend.
Like, that's...
Y'all can hang out
on the weekends, go to museums.
I don't know why you trying
to force more, you know?
If he's just good d*ck,
just good d*ck,
not a good person,
doesn't have his sh*t together,
just good d*ck?
That's literally a dildo.
That's what a dildo is for.
Why are you stressed over him?
Make a mold of his d*ck
in his sleep and leave!
Nobody puts their vibrator
back in the drawer, like,
"He forgot my birthday."
Like, that's...
It's not gonna happen
if you treat it
like what it's for.
'Cause you're not
gonna get all three.
And I hate it for you.
I really do.
Sincerely.
And every time
I have this conversation
with-- with my friends,
sometimes they-- they get upset.
Not every time.
Sometimes they do get upset
and they're like, "No.
"No, he has all three.
"No.
"No, he has all three.
"I know it.
"I feel it.
"I feel it here
and here and here.
"No.
He has all three."
If you really think
he has all three,
he's going to k*ll you,
all right?
That is a m*rder*r
putting on a facade, okay?
I'm sure all 33 women
thought Ted Bundy
had all three, you know?
Like, "No, Ted is just nice.
"You know, it's just nice
to meet a guy that, like,
"has his sh*t together,
is a lawyer and everything,
"and, like, knows how to--
knows his way
"around the bedroom,
knows how to listen.
"Why are you looking at me
like that?
[yelps]"
Like, that's how
it went every time.
You know what-- you wanna
know what bothers me?
What really upsets me?
What even scares me
a little bit?
I don't know which two I am.
'Cause I don't get
to decide, you know?
That's another person's
decision about me.
I'm scared I'm going
to be laying back
with my girl
years from now, right?
Years from now just laying back.
We're talking about this, and I
lean over to her, and I'm like,
"I'm-- I'm good d*ck
and a good person, right?"
And she's like, "You have
a great job, all right?"
[cheers and applause]
Last year was tough because
I also lost people, you know?
We all did to a certain degree.
We lost people, and some
of the people that I've lost,
like, I-- I had a friend
who passed away.
And he passed away
during the height of infection,
so we couldn't gather,
we couldn't go all be together
and mourn him properly.
And so we, uh...
we had to have a Zoom funeral.
I don't know if you've been
to a Zoom meeting,
but this had all the awkwardness
of a Zoom meeting
but added as a funeral.
It was terrible.
'Cause at least at a funeral,
at a real funeral, right?
We're all facing the body.
We're all collectively
facing the same direction,
looking at the body.
And on Zoom,
we are all facing each other.
And I'm not going to lie.
Not everybody looks
upset enough for me, okay?
There's some people
whose screens are blue.
I'm like,
"You playing 'Cyberpunk.'
"I could already tell.
Why are you blue,
and nobody else is blue?"
There was one dude
that was just eating chips,
like, how are you gonna
let him eat the chips?
He just eating chips
and they'd take it off
'cause he's making noise
eating the chips
completely unmuted.
It's just preacher, Pringles,
preacher, Pringles,
preacher, Pringles.
I know you at your house,
but this is a funeral.
No, it was horrible.
People didn't know
they weren't muted.
There was one dude
that was like,
"It's a funeral.
"No, it's a funeral.
"Willy d*ed.
"I told you Willy d*ed.
"Look, he on the screen
right here.
"Come look.
Come look.
"They got him
all messed up though.
"They messed up
that last haircut.
"I wouldn't let 'em
bury me like that.
"That's terrible.
Oh, my God.
I'm not muted.
I'm not muted!"
Preacher got on there.
And here's the thing; there was
at least one family member
that was allowed to be at the
funeral home with the preacher
with the body and everything,
and they said that he preached
a-- a really uplifting sermon,
you know?
Especially if you, you know,
grew up Christian or something.
He used all the--
all the things we've all heard
before, you know?
Got up there, acted like
it was a full church house,
even though it was just
a webcam and one person.
And he was like,
"See, see, see, see,
see, Willy, Willy,
"Willy may be dead.
We already know that.
"We know Willy dead, okay?
"But his body is dead.
"His soul!
His soul!
"His soul is up there
with the Redeemer, all right?
"His soul is with the one
that ascended, all right?
"It's with the one
that ascended!
"Willy out there doing--
doing moonwalking with Jesus
"right now.
"Don't mourn for Willy,
all right?
"Willy having a good time
up in the clouds.
"No pain, no suffering, okay?
"Willy in a better place now.
"Willy may be dead, all right?
But he is not gone, all right?"
Sure.
[sighs]
But his connection had a lag.
So all we heard on our end was,
"Willy.
"Ass.
"Dead.
Gone."
I'm like,
"That-- that about sums it up,
but that's pretty rude."
It's really good.
It's for the best
that I'm gonna die.
Not now.
I wanna live a long life and
everything and all that stuff.
But still, like,
eventually, mm--
we're done.
And I say that
because here's the thing.
I-- I feel-- I feel at least--
I don't know.
But I think that
I'm a good person,
and I do the best to make
the world as good of a place
as I can for the people
that I meet, you know?
If I hurt someone,
I try to fix it.
And if someone is hurt already,
I try and make them
feel better, you know?
I just want to help.
And I think-- I think I'm as
progressive as you could get.
I don't know, maybe.
But give me 80 years.
I'm sure
I'll hit a wall somewhere.
It happens to everybody.
Everybody hits a wall.
They act like
there's this huge, like,
there-- there--
there's this huge battle
between the generations,
and there's not.
It's just medicine got too good.
So people that were nice
and then should have d*ed
are still alive and very upset,
saying terrible things.
And I'm not better than anybody.
I could be one of them,
you know?
I know people
who marched in the Civil
Rights Movement, right?
For equality.
Just be able to have
what someone else has
by virtue of being a person,
you know?
And they got dogs sicced on 'em,
and they got the sh*t
b*at out of them, okay?
And even with some of them--
just some--
but even with some of them,
if you bring up
marriage equality,
they're like,
"Let's not get crazy."
Let's not get crazy?
What were you-- what were you
doing it for then, you know?
The '60s, you're over there
holding hands,
holding the lines,
sitting in, singing,
"We Shall Overcome."
Who would have thought
your grandson
would have to overcome you,
you know?
What?
Tell me I'm wrong.
It's true.
And I want to find out
what my line is.
I'd like to just be that dude
that was nice to everybody,
and then he d*ed.
Sounds like a pretty good life.
'Cause I'm a super
progressive guy now,
but give me 80 years.
I'll-- I'll find a thing.
I won't even do it on purpose.
I just won't get it, you know?
I won't be a bad person.
I just won't understand.
I don't know what it is now,
but it's coming.
In fact, I bet I can-- I can
take a guess at what it is.
It's going to be robots.
It will.
AI is getting too good.
It's not too long before they
put it in a body, all right?
And then they're just
walking around
amongst us and everything.
And then, years later,
my granddaughter brings home
a robot to Thanksgiving,
and I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
And now I'm that old r*cist
at the table, you know?
Nice young man.
Couldn't be more respectful
in my house, right?
But I'm sitting there saying
all the r*cist stuff,
leaning over my granddaughter
like...
[scoffs]
"You can f*ck him, but don't
marry him, all right?"
"Grandpa."
"What?"
I'm like,
"Hey, Siri, pass the salt.
[laughs]"
"Grandpa."
"What?"
"You can't say that.
That's their word, okay?"
"I invented the word.
I think I get to say it."
You know?
Hour into dinner, "What, is--
"so what, your--
"your grandpa like a blender,
or something?
[laughs]"
"Grandpa."
"What?"
"His grandfather
was a blender, okay?
"And they kept him in the house,
"and they worked him to death,
and then they threw him out
when he got old."
"Nah, at least he was
in the house, you know?
"Wasn't one of these
outside robots.
"He wasn't like-- it wasn't like
"he was a lawnmower
or something.
He didn't have it that hard."
You know?
"Haven't we'd done enough
for you people?
"Gotta watch you every day.
We didn't do anything.
"I didn't do anything to you.
They-- they liked the work.
"They didn't complain, you know?
"Now, every-- every weekend,
can't go anywhere
"without you guys marching,
talking about how
'bot lives matter, ' whatever."
And then I die,
and nobody's sad.
The thing that I love
about telling that joke
is that in it,
I actually make up
a form of bigotry,
but this is so Brooklyn,
some of you were like,
"You need to check your
organic privilege, all right?
"Just because he's made
of nuts and bolts
does not diminish
his personhood, all right?"
I made it up.
It's not going to happen.
I promise you.
Here's the thing.
We're in a time--
[sighs]
Where as a-- a comic,
it feels like
there's another level.
It feels like you have
to do two things.
You have to both
give people permission to laugh
and make them laugh
'cause we're in
a very tense time
where a lot of terrible things
are being said,
but a lot of people don't mean
to say terrible things.
And a lot of people are worried
about what people will think
if they say something
and it's-- it's tense.
And so you have to both--
you have to give
people permission, like,
hey, here, right now,
we might as well be family.
We're having a good time,
and I'm sharing
my thoughts with you,
and I hope you enjoy them.
And if you don't, I understand.
But I want to open up the floor
and give you permission
to have the best time possible
with the things that I'm saying.
And then you have to give
people something good enough
to laugh at.
I say that
because this next thing...
I'm telling you I want you
to have a good time with it,
'cause I did.
I was visiting
one of my friends.
And over the pandemic, he--
he got a bird,
which is weird.
I don't know.
It is.
Like, he-- he lives in a studio.
It's the biggest bird
I've ever seen,
and now his apartment
is a quarter bird.
It's just-- it is cumbersome.
It is a reverse Maya Angelou
in there.
Just bird upset.
Nobody's having a good time.
It's weird
because it was odd of him
to see a majestic creature
and be like,
"Well, if I can't be outside,
neither can you," you know?
But he did.
He got his-- this bird.
And it's a parrot.
I know it's a parrot,
but it's the biggest parrot
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
And while I was hanging out
at his place,
at one point,
he went to the bathroom.
And when he went
to the bathroom, I think--
I don't know,
I can't be certain,
but I'm almost sure
that while he was
in the bathroom, the parrot...
Said the n-word.
And I don't know.
I did--
I wasn't sure if I had
picked up on it at first
because it didn't say it
like a dude.
It said it like a bird.
You know I'm just sitting there
on my phone, and I hear,
"[high-pitched]
n*gga."
And I'm like...
That-- that wasn't it,
but it was clear.
It had all the notes.
That might've been it, you know?
But I was like,
"No, I'm tripping."
I just went back to my phone,
and then I heard, "n*gga."
And I'm like, "That was slower.
"That one might've been spot-on.
I think he trying
to tell me something."
But even if he is,
what am I going to do?
I'm gonna fight a bird?
I went back to my phone,
shook it off,
and then the third one--
third one had some stank on it.
The third one was like,
"n*gga."
And I'm like, "That's..."
And when I turned around,
he was looking at me.
I'm like,
"He is clearly doing this."
But it was weird.
I didn't know what to do.
I was frozen because
saying "cr*cker"
is their whole thing,
and he went fully left.
[cheers and applause]
I've talked a lot about
being on my phone.
And I've only mentioned
the internet a couple times.
I think-- I think it's important
to point out that the internet,
all it is is an amplifier,
you know?
When it-- when the internet came
along, it changed everything.
It changed the world
as we live in it.
It changed what we care about.
It changed our priorities.
All that stuff.
But all it really is,
deep down, is a transformer.
It's an amplifier.
And if you want to do good,
it's going to help you
do more good
than you've ever done
in your entire life.
You're going to reach people
that you never
could have otherwise.
And if you want to do evil,
it is gonna take you
to a darker place
than you could ever imagine.
Like for the good things, right?
As a good example,
there was a little girl--
some of you may have
even seen the story.
There was a little girl
that was eight years old,
and she had brain cancer,
and her parents
didn't have a lot of money,
and they didn't have
the best insurance.
So as Americans,
we were gonna let her die.
That is what we do here,
all right?
She, obviously,
being eight
and having a bad brain
and not having money
was irresponsible.
She should have
pulled herself up
by her seven-year-old bootstraps
and made enough money
to support her
dumb cancer brain, right?
That's American dogma, okay?
So we were gonna let her die,
but she said,
"No-- no, I'm not going to die,
all right?
Not without a fight, okay?"
And so she decided
to sell lemonade.
She was going to sell lemonade
to raise money
for her surgery, right?
Which is adorable but, sweetie,
that's not gonna cut it.
Unless you are charging
champagne levels
for this lemonade
or have child soldier
factory levels of it
being pumped out and produced,
you're not gonna make it.
I'm sorry.
But as she was
selling the lemonade,
every person that she sold
a cup of lemonade to,
she told her story.
She told them why
she was selling the lemonade.
And then those people
started to tell people.
And then through Facebook,
Instagram, Twitter,
someone started a GoFundMe
for this little girl.
And then she blew
the amount of money
that she needed for her surgery
out of the water, right?
Which is great.
That's amazing.
That's the power
of the internet.
That's the ability
for us to connect.
When we all have access
to each other,
we can make an impact.
We could change
each other's lives, you know?
But there's also a bad side.
We all know it.
When I was in high school,
there was this group of kids
that they were cool,
and I liked them,
and I liked that they liked me,
but they terrified me
because all they ever did
was prank each other.
And it was, like--
it was, like, too hardcore,
and it was really mean,
and it weirdly always
brought them closer together,
but it terrified me, you know?
'Cause they were heinous
to each other,
but it somehow
just strengthened their bond.
So I was glad
that they liked me,
but I didn't want to be
in the group.
And it was four of them.
It was two guys,
and it was two girls.
And normally, like,
the coming-of-age story
would tell you that they're
all gonna hook up,
but that's not what happened.
Everyone in the group
had a different
significant other outside
the group except for one girl.
Her name was Beth.
And it was hard for Beth
to find somebody
'cause she was too intense.
She was a lot.
You know, she just-- she always
felt the need to up the ante.
Take things further
than they should go, you know?
Until she met a guy.
She met a guy on the internet,
and they hit it off immediately.
She thought he was cute.
They had the same
sense of humor.
They-- they wanted to go
and travel the same places.
And every day,
she would come to school,
and she would tell us
about this.
She would tell us, like,
"Oh, you know, he's so cool.
I like him so much.
And here's what we talked
about and everything."
And then Friday came,
and on Friday, she told me
that he wanted to meet
on Saturday.
And I told her, "Oh.
"Don't do that.
That is a terrible idea."
Because I should point out--
this isn't online dating
in 2021.
This is online dating
in 2008, okay?
In 2021, there's bios.
There's mutual friends.
There's pictures
from multiple angles.
In 2008, all you are getting
with online dating
was a description that was
hopefully accurate enough
to give the police.
And so I told her,
"No, don't go."
Because I should point out
this guy didn't give her
an address to come to.
He said, "Meet me
in this neighborhood
through this alley
through this door."
And I was like, "You honestly
making it too easy to k*ll you.
"Do not go.
That sounds like
a m*rder*r, okay?"
But she-- she was young,
and she was in love,
and so she went.
She went to that neighborhood
through that alley
through that door.
And when she walked
through that door,
it was a funeral home.
She was so confused.
You know, she was
looking around at everything.
She walked around
the whole funeral home,
and she saw that there
was only one funeral,
and it was his.
And she was so confused.
She was looking at him,
looking at his family
and everything.
She couldn't understand it.
And then she got a call
on her phone,
and it was her friends.
And they had pranked her.
You see, they found this dude's
picture in the obituary.
And so they took it,
and they made
an online profile with it,
and then they found her,
and then they just
chopped it up.
They just chatted, and they--
because they know her so well,
they obviously
could make her fall
instantly in love with this guy.
They know all of the things
that she likes.
They know her sense of humor.
They know the places
that she wants to travel
when she gets out
of high school, you know?
And so they had her come there
on a Saturday--
Valentine's Day, by the way.
To come see the dead body
of this dude
she had fallen in love with.
That's terrible.
That is how dark
the internet can be.
That is what happens
when we all have access
to each other.
We can change each other's
lives for the worse.
I know right now
you feel bad for Beth.
Don't.
Okay?
She got 'em back.
Over the course of a decade,
she...
banged all of their dads.
[cheers and applause]
I told you she was intense.
She felt the need to up the ante
'cause that's not all she did.
She married one.
And we honestly don't know
if that's still part of it.
Maybe she loves this man,
or maybe she's like,
"You got me good in high school,
"and now, I'm your mom.
"I'm going to write you
out of the will.
Ha, ha-ha-ha, haha-haha, haha."
Guys, I'm Josh Johnson.
Thanks so much.
You have a great night.
Thank you so much
for coming out.
I can't believe we did it.
We did it!
Give it up for yourselves again.
Thank you all so much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
One second, one second.
[stammers]
I feel like I would--
I would be--
I'd be making a huge mistake
if I didn't say
an extra thing right now.
So a lot of you can't know.
This thing was supposed
to happen a year ago.
And because of the pandemic,
we had to hold it and hold it,
and we wanted to do it
in a way
that made everybody safe
and everybody could still
have a good time.
And so I-- I'm not-- I'm not--
I know I'm up here,
but I'm not the only one
that put a lot of work
and a lot of sweat
and tears of people
who couldn't even
be here tonight.
They have to, like,
Zoom in from LA,
so I hope I don't have a lag.
They'll think I was bombing.
But, like-- but please,
I want you to give it up
for Comedy Central,
give it up for Viacom,
give it up for your director,
David Paul Meyer.
[cheers and applause]
Give it up for all
the amazing people
that have kept us safe tonight,
every person
that has kept your mask on.
All the stuff.
Please.
And-- and one last thing.
I-- this has been
so important to me.
It's been one of the most
important things in my life.
I grew up watching
Comedy Central.
I grew up watching specials.
And so now to have one
is absolutely insane.
It's-- it's a dream come true,
and you were all part of that.
And I wanna thank you
so much for being here
and for being part of it.
You mean the world to me.
You really do.
And honestly,
if last year taught us anything,
it is to do whatever it is
that you want.
Whatever it is,
if you think you can't do it,
if you think you won't be able
to do it, you will eventually.
You just give it time,
and-- and I promise you,
if you don't give up,
I promise you you can
make things happen, okay?
A couple people have said that
I inspired them to do comedy
and everything,
but I hope I can inspire you
to do whatever it is
that you want.
So important, especially now.
Life is precious,
and it's not promised, you know?
I've had people ask me
what I feel like
my life would be like
if I didn't follow my dreams,
you know?
If I didn't get on a plane
from Louisiana
and move to Chicago
to start doing comedy
and just be dirt poor
and doing open mics,
until I-- I finally got
comfortable in Chicago
and then I was scared
to move to New York,
but I did that too.
And people asked me what-- what
I think my life would be like
if-- if I didn't get
on those planes,
if I didn't take those chances,
if I didn't meet Trevor Noah.
And I have to tell them
I guess we'll never know.
Thank you so much.
You guys have a great night.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin',
I'm fallin' ♪
♪ MTV ♪
Trevor Noah Presents Josh Johnson: # (Hashtag) (2021)
Moderator: Maskath3