f*ck, yeah!
This is such a big night for you.
but I'm celebrating.
I finally just slept
with my high-school crush.
Right?
Thank you.
Thank you, but I swear, now he, like,
expects me to go to his graduation.
Like I know where I'm gonna
be in three years, right?
I'm like, "Whoa!"
Slow it down.
f*cking kids, right?
f*cking small kids.
You look, like, upset.
Like, I don't f*ck kids.
That's a joke.
Like, I would never...
I shouldn't say never.
That's like... you don't know...
I feel like I just painted
myself in a corner there.
But... that's not a good way to start.
This is a beautiful theater.
I should be really grateful.
I worked at a fish restaurant last week.
Like, I did stand-up
at a fish restaurant,
just so you guys know.
That's not a joke.
People were, like, eating mussels,
and they were just like, "Check".
And I was like, "Can you just
let me try and pursue my dream?"
And this place is so beautiful.
I should have started off
with something other than kid f*cking.
You guys are right.
Start over. Class it up.
My mom's a c**t. Hear me out.
Go with me on this, you guys.
I know, like, not everyone's
comfortable with that word.
Half of you were like, "Ugh," right?
"No, don't say that".
And the other half of you
were like, "Oh, my God.
What a coincidence".
"That c**t should meet my c**t mom".
I just... I brought her to a soccer game
'cause I wanted her to see
what boundaries looked like,
you know?
I was like, "Look,
stop wearing my clothes".
Ugh.
She's always bragging
about the dumbest stuff.
The other day she was telling
me, she was like,
"You know, I can still fit
in my wedding dress,"
I was like, "Oh, my God.
Who cares?" Right?
I mean, it is weird
that she's the same size now
as she was when she
was eight months pregnant,
but I just...
I don't think bragging's cool.
Are you okay?
You're, like, choking. No?
Are you allergic to talent?
Hi. Hi.
I'm just kidding. Are you okay, really?
You need anything? Okay.
Oh, God.
I don't need
another death under my belt.
Speaking of me taking
Plan "B" last week,
I...
I did.
You know... you know what it is?
There are some people here...
it's the morning-after pill.
I take it the night before
'cause I'm smart.
But...
some people like to...
I'm with you good people.
I believe birth begins at conception.
So I just, like, b*at that sh*t.
Plan Bizzle.
Who's taken it? Who's taken it?
Thank you.
Oh, sorry, a room of heroes.
Everyone's like,
"Eh"
This place is old. There's probably...
you're probably being inseminated
by the seats right now, let's be real.
I did, I took it.
It's over the...
I went to my normal pharmacy. I walk in.
The pharmacist is like, "Hey, Ame".
I'm like, "Please
don't call me a nickname".
He's like, "What do you want, Ambien?"
I'm like, "No, I'm not addicted to that.
"You guys know that.
I only take that when I'm drinking".
They're like, "What do you want?"
I was like, "Plan and they were like...
they didn't even hide it.
They were like, "Ew, you whore".
I was like,
"You can't... you can't say that".
They're like,
"You're gonna feel nauseous".
I was like, "Ugh".
I took it, I felt fine.
I went to yoga.
I'm like, "Can these people tell
"I'm, like, mid-aborsh right now?
This is..."
This is not good. It was easy.
They should call it Plan
That's how I used it.
It's a great plan.
Let's start with this one.
I... I don't...
I don't think that's, like,
adorable that I just took Plan
I'm 31. Like, that's not cute at all.
That's cute when you're, like...
you're, like, 21, right?
You go, you sit on your mom's bed,
you cry, you're like,
"Oh, the condom broke".
I'm like, "The what broke?"
"What now? What's this you speak of?"
I do, I still think I'm
Like, every bar I go to, I show my I.D.
They're like, "No, that's okay".
Like, "Wow, they're really relaxed here.
"I hope they don't get raided.
This place, I don't know".
But the girls I grew up with,
they're living normal
adult lives, you know?
So they call me now, and they're
like, "Ame, I'm pregnant".
And I still react like,
"What are you gonna do?"
"No..."
I'm like, "I'll drive you, I guess".
They're like, "No, you're gross,"
I'm like, "Oh, we keep them now".
Keep them.
That's my favorite reality show.
You know the show Teen Mom?
Or if you're from the South, Mom.
They don't wait, right?
This is poor planning on my part.
I'm kind of dizzy.
I donated blood today.
That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
I know, that j...
people, like, hate
that joke if they have AIDS.
So if you didn't laugh, get tested.
Check it out.
Check it out.
You have it. You have it.
I'm a healer.
I went through a breakup this year.
I was dating this guy.
I walked in on him masturbating.
Yeah, he's like, "Are you mad?"
I'm like, "No, but you seem to be.
Holy sh*t".
I'm like, "Does it owe you money?
"Why are you..."
"Is that waterboarding?
I don't feel safe".
Me and this guy, we were so different.
I knew we were... like, he
was, like, really into family.
You know, and I mentioned my mom.
Like, he'd never come on
the road with me on the weekends
'cause he wanted to spend
time with his wife.
And I just...
I'm better.
No, the truth is
I thought he was gonna break up with me
the whole time for the lamest reason...
because I wouldn't swallow.
But I have a nut allergy.
Like, what did he expect?
I'm gonna risk my life...
for his empty calories?
No!
Stop telling us it's good for our skin.
f*ck you guys.
One girl was like, "Oh, okay".
Guys are so gross, right?
Guys are gross.
You're gross, okay?
They're so gross.
I had sex with a guy recently,
more semen than you've
ever seen in your life.
I was like, "Did you
just get out of jail?
What's... what is the meaning of this?"
"It's a compliment".
"No, no".
But that's what guys want
'cause they're so gross.
If it were up to them,
we'd all look like Carrie
in the prom scene at the end, just,
"Ugh"
No girl wants that. We don't want that.
We're lazier than you.
If it were up to me,
the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip
going, boop, asleep.
That's it.
Instead I was like, "I've been slimed".
"I feel like a contestant
on Double Dare right now".
"Let me just get this
self-worth off me real quick".
That's why I don't like p*rn.
Well, I like to watch p*rn.
Like, what girls in here like p*rn?
Thank you. I love it.
All the... all the whores
are in the front.
This is the best.
Girls in the back are, like,
reading books.
They're like, "50 shades of what?"
That reference will not be funny
by the time this show comes out.
People will be like, "What a hack.
Oh, God".
More references about right now,
how about Sandusky... no.
Wasting everyone's time
in the editing room.
So, yeah, I like p*rn.
I like that casting director
one, that's funny.
He never finds the right girl.
What do these girls have to do?
I don't like to watch the end of p*rn.
I don't like to
watch the end of any p*rn,
'cause guess what happens
at the end of the rainbow
every time.
Spoiler alert, he cums on her face.
Oh!
What an amazing
choose-your-own adventure
that always ends exactly the same.
There's never a twist, right?
He's never like... the guy
is having sex with her,
and he looks off camera
in her backpack, he's like,
"Oh, are you reading that
Nicholas Sparks book too?"
"Oh, my God. What are the chances?
Let's start a bed
and breakfast together".
No.
He just cums on her head.
We don't wanna see that. I don't want...
'cause we think about that girl.
Like, that poor girl,
and we know, as soon as
the director yells "cut,"
that she's just
stumbling around like Helen Keller
looking for a towel, just where...
"Did you guys go to lunch?
"This isn't cool.
You promise this is good for my skin?"
That's so funny.
Am I the only person who ever
walked in the audience
during their special?
Three little Asian chicks
were just like...
And that's not r*cist, that's just...
I'm just saying that that's
how all Asian people walk.
Just very creepy.
I know I'm in San Fran.
I should watch my back.
But...
I think I could take those girls.
That was funny. I was watching them.
Like, every time I referenced
semen, they were just like,
"Oh, no".
Yes.
It's not for shock value.
This happens, right?
Come on, you guys,
we've all taken a load
somewhere we're not proud of.
So...
Like, my mom's here.
So the guy I was dating,
he was, like, so lazy.
He was one of those dudes,
like, he wouldn't go down on me.
I had to become a climber
every time, you know?
Head up there, just holding
on to the headboard
like a nosy neighbor
peeking over the fence.
I feel like Wilson
from Home Improvement.
I'm like, "Hey, Tool Man, what's..."
That was embarrassing up there.
That's the worst dismount in the biz.
I don't care how you slice it.
So I'm, like, single now. I'm dating.
I suck at dating.
I go outwith these guys.
This guy wanted to go dancing
the other night.
Like, have you ever had a guy
who's trying to date you
be like, "Let's dance"?
It's like, "I don't know".
I'm like, "It's..."
I'm like, "Look, I think you
wanna go to the parade".
And it's also 'cause
I'm the worst dancer.
I dance like your...
like your aunt at a wedding.
Like, every move I do,
I'm surprising myself.
I'm just like,
"Oh, wh... what?
"Whoa, whoa.
Nobody saw it going this way".
Everybody saw it going that way.
It's so awful. So I'm, like, dating now.
I'm, like, going on dates.
Whenever I start seeing someone,
I'm, like, this alternate
version of myself.
It's just like... I'm just, like,
you know, trying to be
super-cool new girl.
I'm like, "Let me just sweep
this crazy under the rug
"for a couple months.
"You don't need to...
you don't need to see this
till month three".
I went on a date with a guy recently,
and he was, like, really hot.
So I was pretending to be
a good person, you know?
I was saying things like,
"I love kids, and I'm not r*cist".
Just vague lies.
And you have to, like, pretend
like you wanna use a condom.
I like to say something fun
when I bring it up, but honest.
I'll be like, "You're
gonna wanna wear this.
I've had a busy month".
"It's like a Petri dish right now.
I don't know what's happening".
People are so upset
about my vag*na right now.
They're like, "No!"
Here... but this guy, we went out,
and he was like...
you can tell when a guy dates a lot.
He had, like, date questions.
He was like, "if you could
have lunch with anybody,
living or dead, who would it be?"
I thought about it.
I answered honestly, I was like,
"Mark Twain. I think he was hilarious".
And he goes, "Pfft, Amy,
it's got to be somebody real".
I was like, "Oh, you're legit Ret*rded.
That's so cute".
"I'm gonna sleep
with a Ret*rded person".
I did.
So I've been on the road a lot lately,
and every town I go to,
you have to do, like,
local press, you know?
The, like, Greenville Who Gives A sh*t.
Like, everybody has a paper.
And they all ask the same
questions every week.
They ask me the same, exact question.
They're just like,
"What's the hardest part
about being a female comedian?
What is it? What's the hardest part?"
And, like, what would you guess?
Well, it's the r*pe.
The three Asian chicks
just walked back in here,
and I said that, and they went...
No, but it is. It's all the rapings.
No... but they ask...
they're just like...
and I guess it's a normal question,
"Is it harder for female comics?
Is it harder?"
And it's not.
Like, they think we just get up here
and just bleed all over the stage.
I'm just, "Oh, my ovaries.
How do I keep them in my body?"
Like, it's totally not harder.
It's harder to be a chick
in general, for sure.
That sucks. That's not fun.
Right? Right girls?
No, it is. It sucks.
Just in terms of laziness.
Like, look at the guys
you're here with tonight, okay?
Some of them bangable, not all of them.
Let's be real.
Let's keep it honest, okay?
But, like, what did you do
to get ready, you know?
Like, how long did it
take you to get ready?
You didn't get ready is the answer.
Guys don't do sh*t.
They put a shirt on,
give themselves one of these
in the mirror, they're out.
They're like, "I did it, bro.
I f*cking did it".
"What did you do?"
Some guys take a little more time.
I dated a guy from Philly for a while.
Is anybody here from Philadelphia?
Yeah?
Okay, some sassy babes.
No dudes, though.
But tell me if I'm right about this.
Well, just agree, 'cause
this is for my TV special.
Like, those dudes will b*at you to death
with a sack of batteries,
but they get their eyebrows waxed.
You know the kind of guy
I'm talking about?
I was at a Met game... thank you.
And... it was Mets, Phillies,
and I'm sitting behind third base.
And these huge Philly meatheads
are heckling David Wright.
They're like, "You suck,
Wright. You're the worst.
We hate you".
And so I said,
"You're very attractive!"
And the biggest one
of them goes, "True".
But most guys don't do sh*t.
Like, look at the shirts
you guys are wearing.
Every one of you that I can see,
you could have worn that
when you were a toddler
on picture day.
Every one. No difference.
Check it out.
But look at the
beautiful girls you're with.
Look at... it's so much work for us.
It takes me 90 minutes
to look this mediocre.
Tonight it took eight hours, okay?
I slept sitting up. I slept like this.
It's so much work.
Oh, we're like clowns.
We are circus freaks, women, we are.
We... we put paint on
our faces like warriors.
We're... I'm wearing stilts.
We wear stilts. We wear heels all night.
And we put a string
in our buttholes, just...
"Ah...
am I pretty?"
We wear jewelry, shiny sh*t...
"Look over here.
Follow me to the altar".
Ugh.
It sucks. It sucks.
I think as a woman as you get older,
you get lazier just by looking around.
No, I just... I work in Vegas a lot.
That doesn't sound awesome.
But I do stand-up in Vegas a lot,
and I see these packs of young girls
that still have the energy, you know?
Just a pack of girls
all wearing tube dresses, right?
And just... the heels they can't handle.
They have to hold each other
and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk,
chain g*ng kind of...
They all look identical.
It looks like a whore computer
just sh*t out a prototype,
and they just started walking.
"Tonight, tonight's
the night, you guys".
I like seeing them
at the end of the night,
you know, like it didn't work out.
They're carrying their heels.
They're crying their makeup off.
It looks like they're melting.
"Why didn't anyone pick me?"
"You have puke on your tube, Amber".
It's all work.
It's work having a vag*na. That's work.
Guys don't think
that it's work, but it is.
You think it just shows up
like that to the event?
It doesn't.
Every night it's like getting it ready
for its first quinceañera, believe me.
Gets an updo, it cries.
It's a lot of work.
It didn't used to be work.
I know that from watching vintage p*rn.
It was no work.
Zero.
I even... I remember my mom
bottomless when I was a kid.
And it was just...
poof!
It looked like the black
smoke monster from Lost
was just following her.
It's like, "Is Mom being
swarmed by bees?
"What is...
"Is that a tumbleweed?
We're not even in the West".
And then something happened.
I don't know.
Like, 10, 15 years ago,
all the dudes got together
and had, like, a meeting.
Like a fantasy football
draft about our privates.
They were like, "We can't get in there.
"It's like Vietnam trying to...
What do we do?"
And then they just came to
us, and they were just like,
"Ladies, would you mind
looking like babies again?"
And we were like...
"Like, what do you mean?
Just clean up the sides
a little bit or..."
"The whole enchilada".
And we were like,
"Yeah, that's not super weird".
So now we go, we get it done.
We have to go get it done.
Ugh, yeah, like, that does... she...
we go and get it done, guys.
Like, it doesn't just happen.
I don't care how cool your girl is.
She doesn't have, like,
alopecia of the crotch.
It just falls out in
the shape of your initials.
That's not what happens.
That's not how it goes down, no.
We get it done.
We have to go see a woman,
usually from a third-world country.
It's never from, like...
like, it's never me
that comes and gets you
from the waiting room.
Like, I'll never be like,
"Hi, I'm Ashley.
I'm here to take care of your p*ssy".
Like, no.
"p*ssy!"
No, it's not...
that's not how it goes.
Like, the chick who
does it to me in New York,
I think she's from, like,
the k*lling fields of Cambodia.
Like, this poor woman...
I can tell, like, she has
seen some sh*t, you know?
She has been through it,
and she was, like, a doctor there.
And now she does this, and she hates me.
And she doesn't even hide it.
I walk in, she's like, "Ugh".
I'm like, "Sorry".
But she should, she should
hate me because I'm like...
we're the worst, white, entitled girls.
I walk in chewing gum,
I'm on my phone.
I'm just like...
I'm like, "Don't get any
wax on my new UGGs.
What?"
She's like, "My parents
were m*rder*d in front of me".
I'm like, "I'm on the phone. What?"
"It's about True Blood.
Give me one sec".
She hates me, but she wins.
Like, those chicks win every time,
'cause what they do,
and I always forget this,
they go... she goes and gets a mirror,
and she shows it to me.
She shows me my own vag*na.
And I have to act
like I'm not horrified.
And I'm horrified.
It's the worst thing in the world.
And what she's saying in that moment is,
"Are you happy now, you dumb bitch?
You just paid me to as*ault you".
"And now you look like a toddler.
Is that what... is that cool, yeah?"
And it's not cool.
It's the worst thing
you'll ever see in your life.
It's red.
It looks angry.
It looks like an old man frowning.
Just, "No!"
"Visit me!"
"Birds!"
I don't know. Old
people like birds, right?
I don't know.
They're always like, "Oh, look, a bird".
Ugh. It's so much work.
I think guys have it easier.
I'm not sure.
What do you guys think? Yeah, you do?
Did you ever see an
uncircumcised penis?
You did? Did you know...
did you know you were gonna see it?
No, it's always a
f*cking surprise party, right?
It's a big... it's him, right?
It's him.
Wait. Here's the funniest thing.
I'm sorry that everyone knows
about your penis now.
But here's the best part,
he's wearing a shirt
that says "Browncoats".
Now, if that's not funny...
And that's what it looks like.
It looks like your penis is
wearing a little brown coat...
if you've seen one.
You just... nobody ever
tells you, right?
He didn't tell you.
They don't tell you sh*t.
They're just like, boom,
reunited with Snuffleupagus, enjoy.
Enjoy.
You guys are so cute.
Why don't they tell us?
Tell... tell me.
We have to become
award-winning actresses.
Like, "Oh, no. That's totally cool.
"Mom, can you come pick me up?
"I don't know. It's wearing,
like, a hat or, like, a cape.
Like, a brown coat type thing".
Why don't they tell us?
I would tell you if I had
an extra flap over my clitoris.
I'd give you a heads-up. I would.
I'd be like, "You're gonna
encounter a wizard.
"Keep going.
"Go.
Take this compass".
I'd make it exciting,
play the music from Zelda.
It'd be great.
Men don't care. They don't tell you.
I hooked up with a guy one
time that had no testicles.
Count them, zero "testicalo".
You think he brought that up at dinner?
'Cause he didn't.
I got to find out in real time.
It was dark in the room.
Let me paint the romantic picture here.
And I went right to the spot
I know them to always be,
no GPS necessary.
I picked up the main event and noth...
I felt like a girl learning Braille.
I just kept...
And, like, we don't...
like, girls don't care about your balls.
Like, no one care...
like, I would never call
my sister the morning after
and be like,
"Hey, okay. So, like, the sex was lame,
"but this guy's balls..."
No.
But when they're
not there, you miss 'em.
They're like grandparents.
Thank you.
I like that that's the one
that was too much for you guys.
You're like, "r*pe, AIDS, whatevs.
Grandparents? Whoa!"
So, yeah, the way I saw
an uncircumcised penis...
I had met this guy
at a bar. He was French.
So I should have known,
but I didn't know
he was actually French.
I thought we were
both just, like, wasted
and faking the accent, you know?
I was like, "Rosetta Stone!"
'Cause I do, I can
only drink beer and wine now
'cause I, like, my parents are...
anybody have alcoholic parents?
Anybody in here?
Oh, no, everybody was raised awesomely?
Like, my dad
used to apologize to me
for missing
volleyball games that he was at.
So, anyway, I meet
this French guy and...
'cause I don't think that's
a cute accent on dudes, right?
The French accent.
It just... it makes my vag*na
shut like a steel trap,
Just pshh!
I mean, thank God
for that other hole, but...
My butthole.
Oh, you knew.
Okay, you knew.
So I went home with this French guy,
'cause he said something adorable like,
"I have an apartment".
I was like, "Oh".
So we go... I go home with him,
and we're, like, making out.
He was very sensual.
He's one of those dudes,
like, he started to pick me up,
and then he realized
he was in over his head,
and I got planted back down.
It's hard to feel sexy
when a dudes winded
from trying to hoist you.
His, like, legs are shaking.
He's, like, wiping sweat.
I'm like, "Can you just put me..."
I tried to land cute like a gymnast.
I was like...
No, but I do...
but I know I have a body type.
Like, I know, like, I'm not a twig.
Like, if a cheerleading
pyramids being made,
I know I'm a base.
Like, I get right down...
I'm not like, "Hoist me up on top
"like a star tonight, you guys.
I wanna fly".
Like, I know where I am.
I know my body type the way
guys hit on me at bars,
like, when it happens.
And it's usually my idea.
I'm usually like, "Hey".
And they're like, "No, thanks".
And I'm like, "Hey!"
And they're like, "Oh".
But when I do get hit on...
Like, this guy just came
up to me, and he was from,
like, Texas or somewhere I'm not going.
And...
and he comes over, and he's like,
"Hey, I like you.
You're sturdy".
I'm like, "I'm sorry?"
He's like, "You look like
you could take a punch".
I'm like, "Oh".
Oh, don't I feel like
the belle of the ball.
So I'm making out with Frenchinator,
and... he did...
he put... he, like, gave up right away,
'cause he's French, I guess.
And...
Oh, my God. Thank you.
So we're making out, and... he...
he pulled his d*ck out immediately.
He must have been thinking
like, "She's the one".
And I'm looking at it.
I'm just like, "What... what is that?"
"Are we having, like, a pillow fight?
"What's...
Why is the gnome from
Travelocity in your underpants?"
But, like, you can't...
guys are sensitive too.
I couldn't do what I was,
like, thinking, like...
"Aah!"
Like, run down the
five stories of his walk-up.
I had to be, like, a team
player and be like,
"All right, here we go".
Just, like, fighting through the skin
trying to find his actual pe...
I felt like a magician
with the scarves, I'm just...
Waiting for a dove
to hit me in the face.
It sucks getting older as a chick.
In your 20s, you're
just like, "Life is awesome.
Everybody wants to f*ck me, you guys!"
Then you turn 30, and you're like,
"You guys?"
It's like a bus that never comes.
But as I'm getting older,
what I'm doing now
is I'm just making sure
I'm the best-looking one
of my friends.
It's really easy.
I cut certain people out of my life.
And I now hand-select
strangers off of Facebook
and surround myself with
real trolls and reptiles.
You should see these monsters.
I had a friend, Nikki,
she kept losing weight.
I took her out of my phone.
f*ck her, I'm sorry.
But there's one chick
I've been friends with forever.
Her name is Sabina.
Like, she's gorgeous,
and of course she is,
with the name Sabina.
Like, what a white,
annoying name, right?
You have to be so hot to
pull off names like that,
like Sabina, Priscilla.
You can't have, like,
a bum knee and a lazy eye
and be like, "I'm Sabina".
It's like, "Nice try.
"We're gonna call you Bertha, bitch.
"But that was cute.
That was cute".
Guys go crazy over her.
I never get hit on like that.
The only time I get hit on
is last call at the bar.
Right?
That's when I shine, I'm telling you.
What a weird time of night, right?
The lights go on.
It just feels real r*pe-y
all of a sudden.
Post-apocalyptic.
Something happens to the men.
They're just like, "I need a woman".
Like, they all just start
pacing like gorillas.
Their eyes widen.
It looks like they can only see by heat.
They're like, "What?" Like Predator.
I see some dude in a full blackout
just walking at me,
like a zombie just pointing
at his own d*ck.
Like, "Here".
I'm like, "I'll get us a cab".
I know I make it sound
like I'm so slutty up here,
but I'm... I've
only been with four people,
and that was a weird night.
That's my business.
Oh, it doesn't matter
what you do, ladies.
Every guy is gonna
leave you for an Asian woman,
and you know that.
That's right,
I'm saying it in San Francisco,
in the hotbed.
In the hotbed.
I get it. I can't compete
with an Asian chick.
I can't. They're better.
I've been thinking
about this. I did the math.
I know that's their thing, but I did it.
I've been thinking about
it. I can't win.
How can I compete with an Asian chick?
They're smarter.
They have naturally silky hair.
This Jew denial took
me, like, 40 minutes.
They laugh like this
'cause they know men
hate when women speak.
They're better.
They're just better.
And how do they bring it
on home for the win?
Oh, the smallest vaginae in the game.
I can't compete with that.
What do I have? What am I...
I've got a B.A. in Theater and HPV.
No one's buying my stock.
I am plummeting.
I'm going to black guys.
That's what I'm trying to do.
That's what I'm doing, yeah.
I've... I can't believe
I've never done it.
I'm built for it. It
seems weird I haven't.
Gotta go for the black guy.
Have you ever... black guy? Yeah.
She's like, "Yeah".
She's like, "Yes, look at my shirt.
You know I f*ck black guys".
How cute are you?
You're so cute. You're hot.
I'm not gay.
I've caught a finger,
but you get what I'm saying.
Black guys are the future.
Some chicks are scared.
You know what they say,
"Once you go black,
your parents don't talk to you anymore".
Something like that. I don't know.
I don't know.
Something, like, to that effect.
But black guys...
No, I want to do it.
I almost did it last weekend.
I was... like, after the show,
I was standing out, and...
and I was trying to sell my CDs,
and people were like, "No, thanks".
And not even of my stand-up.
Just, like, some sh*t I needed
to get rid of, you know,
like, the Forrest Gump soundtrack,
just some Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott.
I'm like, "I don't need this".
But, no, this dude comes up to me,
this black guy, and he was into it,
'cause, come on.
And...
he walks over, and he's
like, "I'm Derek".
And I was like, "Derek?"
He's like, "Derek".
And he had on, like, a nice shirt,
and he had, like, a job.
And I was like, "No, I want a brotha".
If I'm gonna do it, I wanna
really do it, you know?
Not Derek.
I want him to, like,
not even have a name,
just like nicknames.
Everyone's like, "Pookie!"
He's like, "What's up?"
No job.
We need, like, a ton of lube,
but just, like, for his elbows.
You know what I'm talking about?
Oh, that was insanely r*cist?
You're right. You're right.
I love joking about race.
It's, like, my favorite.
I was talking about this the other day.
I was hanging outwith
literally all my black friend.
And...
And... and I remember
I was like, "Tamambe,"
or whatever.
Tapestry... it's something
wild, you know?
It's something crazy.
I mean, that's why they need
Google in the delivery room,
I think, right?
It's everywhere else.
Why not there, right?
So when her mom was like,
I'm gonna name you "Tamambo".
Google would show up and say,
"Did you mean Jennifer?"
And her mom would be like,
"Yes, Google, I did mean Jennifer.
Thank you".
No, Tamambe.
So I'm hanging out with Tapioca and...
Tempura or something,
and what was she saying?
She... she was like, "Girl".
Like, I won't do some r*cist impression,
so don't worry.
But she was like, "Girl!"
I mean, we were, like,
mid-double Dutch,
and...
And I'm just like,
"Stop yelling. We're not at the movies".
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm glad you guys laughed at that.
That does not always work,
I'll be honest with you.
I mean, nothing works
Except Mexicans.
I've noticed...
That's the one?
Boo! Right?
Boo, Mexicans.
I hear ya.
You guys are
preaching to the choir.
So, ass play, you guys,
what do you guys think?
For or against?
Every night? Okay.
I've dealt with two kinds of guys
when it comes to my personal assh*le.
There's the kind of guy that
never acknowledges it, right?
Like, the whole time
you're together just never...
which is awesome because who
needs the extra maintenance?
Can I get what-what, ladies?
What-what!
Thanks, sister friends.
That guy's awesome, right?
You know what you're
getting with that guy.
And then there's the other kind of guy
who goes for it immediately.
Like, you're not even fully kissing yet,
and he's trying to grab
you like a bowling ball.
You're like, "No!"
He's like, "You said
you like Jeff Dunham".
You're like, "No!"
You can't trust those guys, all right?
So I was dating the first kind of guy,
no ass play.
Like, the sex was very vanilla.
There was no funny business,
no dirty talk.
If I sent him a naughty photo,
he would just write back,
"Thanks," like I
sent him a fax he needed.
Like I had forwarded him an e-vite.
So we were together for, like, years,
and one night, out of nowhere,
we're at dinner, and he's like,
"I'd like to talk about something.
I'd like to talk about ass play".
And I'm like, "Is that a Broadway show?
"That show sounds awesome.
Let's go see that show".
And he's like, "No, ass play".
And as I'm asking him questions,
I realize he hasn't thought
it through at all.
'Cause I was just like,
"Do you mean on you or me?"
And he was like, "Oh".
I was like, "Oh, Jesus, no".
This is not a brainstorm sesh here.
Your PowerPoint, buddy.
So that night, I was like,
"I'm gonna call him on his bluff".
I don't usually joke
around in the bedroom,
but I was like, "f*ck this guy".
So...
I'm like, "This J.V. player
is gonna get it from me," so...
So we're, like, making
out, and I'm just like,
"Psst, where is all the ass play?"
And like a frightened child,
he goes, "Tonight?"
And I'm like, "Uh-huh".
And he can't think... he goes,
"Well, did you shower?"
I said, "I'm not gonna answer that,
'cause I'm not a homeless woman".
Just some schizophrenic
with a cart like,
"Wash me!"
So he can't think of any
other way to stall,
so this is what he does, okay?
This is my assh*le.
This is his finger. He goes like this.
And he holds it there,
like he was checking it for a pulse.
Like he thought a groundhog
might pop out,
and he'd have
to Whac-A-Mole it.
And then I fist him
like you wouldn't believe.
He's dead.
Oh, God, you guys are awesome.
I... seriously,
sometimes that goes so awkward,
and during a set, I
just want to, like, tap out.
I've had this image.
Not like a wrestling tap-out,
but just sort of soft-shoe
out of the room
in an awkward situation.
Like, why can't we do that?
I was working at this club,
and... I walked in the first night.
And I realized at this club,
there was a bathroom attendant.
Have you ever been like,
"Oh, dope, a bathroom
attendant works here".
No, you're like,
"Ah, it's awkward".
They hate you.
You hate... you're just
like, "Oh, please".
Like, you know, it's unnecessary.
Are you ever peeing like,
"How am I gonna leave here
without a Starburst?"
"I don't like going
without somebody listening".
No.
I go in the bathroom the first night,
and the bathroom attendant
stops me at the door.
And she's like,
"They're all full right now,
so you're gonna have to wait a minute".
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah,
I know how bathrooms work".
Like, if she hadn't said that,
I was just gonna go rogue
and start pounding on all the stalls,
up and down with a shiv.
"No!"
Peeing in the sink.
"I do what I want,
bathroom attendant!"
I come out. She hands me a paper towel.
"Thank you.
"If you hadn't saved me,
I would have just bled
"and dripped like stigmata.
Thank you".
So unnecessary.
So, the last night I'm at this club,
I go in the bathroom.
She's, like, facing the wall.
So I'm like, "Oh, good".
I go right in the stall.
And I'm not gonna say anything gross.
But I'm in there just
dropping a ton of heat,
Just...
massacring this bowl.
Just...
I'm texting people, like,
"Am I dying?"
It's like, "Your sister's a nurse".
Things like that.
To a lot of my family,
I just wrote, "Good-bye".
Like, whatever you're picturing,
like, triple it.
I'm sorry. None of that happened.
You guys, none of that happened.
You two, you two, none of that happened.
Hey, did you know there's a show?
Come on, you're pretty.
Just stop talking.
No, I appreciate you
supporting live comedy.
No, none of that happened.
I didn't really...
you guys... oh, my God,
you guys, then just...
what's go... what are
you guys talking about?
What's happening?
Oh, you love me? It's...
It's their anniversary.
Oh, my God, do you remember
that I don't care?
No, I'm just kidding.
No, that's exciting.
How many years?
I'm just kidding. I don't
care. I don't care.
No, I don't care.
No, do you guys care?
No? Okay, sorry.
Sorry, nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
No, but seriously, thank you
guys so much for coming.
Nobody cares.
What's your name?
Erin.
That was a test. Nobody cares, Erin.
You guys are so cute. I'm sorry.
Thank you for spending
your anniversary with me.
Mom, thank you.
I'm sorry you have to sit
next to your daughter
when I'm talking
about semen the whole time.
Where do you stand on ass play, Mom?
You're good?
Okay, you don't want her to
know, but you can't get enough?
Okay.
You guys won't forget this anniversary.
What am I... what am I talking about?
Like, what was I talking about
before I just talked to you guys?
Does anybody remember? sh1tting.
I love you guys.
I f*cking love this crowd.
The sweetest voice too.
"sh1tting".
Oh, God, I wish that happened.
Like, I wish I was
able to... to do that.
But I did, I just...
she was facing the wall,
and I'm like... I hear
that she's crying,
so I'm like,
"Excuse me. I'm about
to wash my hands, so you...
"you better get f*cking ready."
No, she's crying.
No, I was like, "Well, what's wrong?
"Like, is it your choices?
Like, what's..."
No, I asked her what was
wrong, and she was like...
she told me, she
was like, "My dog d*ed".
So I was like, "I'm so
sorry. I've been there.
"I'm gonna go get us some sh*ts.
"We're gonna get weird
in here tonight, okay?
You and me".
And she goes, "it
just really doesn't feel
like six years ago".
What do you say?
I just looked right at her and just...
What do you do?
I found the owner, I was like,
"She's doing a ton of blow in there.
You should get rid of her".
I...
I've been really enjoying
being on the road
ever since the roast, because
I've been on the road, like,
for years, but...
but people had no idea who I was,
so they would see a picture
of me, and they'd be like,
"Oh, she looks sweet.
"She kind of looks, like,
Amish, you know?
"Like... kind of
Cabbage Patchy up top, right?
"We should bring the family.
I bet she talks about, like, shopping".
And then they get here,
and I'm like, "My p*ssy..."
but it's way better now,
'cause, like, a lot
of people saw that roast,
and they just are like,
"Oh, she's, like, a bad person".
So that means you guys are dirtbags too,
and I appreciate you coming out.
You are bad people.
Thank you, bad people.
But I've been really lucky.
Like, my whole life, I found
friends just like me.
Like, at a young age, I found
girls that were just like me.
Like, we were all whores.
You know?
Just little drunks running around.
But in every group of girlfriends,
there's always, like, one
that's the sluttiest, you know?
If you don't have that friend,
you're that friend.
Let's be real.
And it wasn't me in my group of friends.
Shocker was my nickname.
But, no, in my group
of friends... in my...
the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie.
And... we didn't judge her for that.
But she... she wouldn't own it.
Like as soon as she
would have a boyfriend,
she'd start acting like Mother
Teresa, you know?
She'd, like, walk different.
She talked differently.
Like, I remember one time
she walked over with her new boyfriend,
she was like,
"Adam and I are thrilled
you could join us for brunch".
I was like, "I've helped you
get cum out of your hair".
"Remember, we tried using peanut butter
'cause we're stupid, remember?"
We didn't talk about that
at brunch with Adam.
So she moved to Connecticut
and, like, was getting married,
and she had a wedding shower there.
And I was the only friend
from home that could go.
So I met all of her new,
fancy Connecticut friends.
And, like, you know women like this.
Like, these girls,
they were all, like,
very Stepford wife, you know?
They all, like, wore, like,
pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls
and Burberry, like, tampons.
And they all spoke like this,
like almost in a whisper.
Like, they all were...
everybody just walked around
whispering to each other.
Like, "Oh, I guess we were just born
"with different vocal cords
'cause I was raised better.
Do you ski?"
So I'm at this party,
and I'm, like, mainlining chardonnay,
trying to remember fun.
Just like, "Why?"
So one of the girls was like,
"Let's play a game".
And I'm like,
"su1c1de pact? I'll go first.
This party's the worst".
And she goes, "No, let's all go around
and admit something".
And I'm like, "Oh, no".
So these girls are going around.
They are... the sh*t
they're admitting is so boring.
I can't... like, one girl was like,
"Once, I forgot to let
the dog out all day!"
And they were all like, "No!"
I'm like, "Is this
happening right now?"
So the girl that goes right
before me, Bridget,
the worst human I've ever met.
I hope she sees this.
That's how bad of a person she is.
Like, Bridget, I
hope you're watching this.
But she wouldn't.
She wouldn't be up this late.
She spoke the softest.
You had to, like, lean in and squint
and read her lips, 'cause she just...
Bridget talked like an angel
was sleeping on her tongue.
# No one wake the angel
# On my tongue
That's not a real song,
Comedy Central.
So, anyway, she's like,
"All right, you guys, it's my turn.
Bring it in".
And we're like, "We're
in 'cause we have to be,
'cause you talk like Fievel".
Use your diaphragm, Bridge.
So she's like,
"I'll admit this.
"Sometimes after Richard falls asleep,
I get up and eat ice cream".
I just wanted to find one
other pair of eyes being like,
"What a dumb c**t, right?"
But nothing. No one.
They're all looking at her like,
"Bridget! You should be asleep".
"Bridget, it's night. Carbs? Come on".
So then it's my turn,
and... I don't look at my friend Katie.
I just feel her just glaring
at me, just like,
"Don't be yourself right now, bitch!
This is my new life".
And so I'm like,
"Okay... first of all, Bridget,
thank you for being so brave".
"I'll admit this.
"It's kind of like your ice cream thing.
"One time
I let a cab driver finger me".
And Katie's like,
"That's not how you play, Amy".
I'm like, "Really?
'Cause I feel like I won.
I feel..." You guys,
you were an amazing crowd.
Thank you so much.
I feel like this is
what I would feel like,
like, if I ever kept a baby.
You know, like, this kind of joy.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
f*ck, thank you.
Oh!
I want to jerk you
all off, even the girls.
Even the girls.
Guys, thank you.
I really, really appreciate it.
I know you guys are thinking like,
"What are you doing back out here?"
And some of you were just thinking like,
"You're so pretty".
Thank all of you.
But I wanted to come out
and just sort of, like,
give you an opportunity if
anybody wants to ask a question,
like, now it's the time.
It doesn't have to be about my set.
Yeah? What's your name?
And what... what actor are you?
I'm Cubed.
What?
My name's Cubed.
Cubed?
Does anybody different have a question?
With a name that makes sense?
No, I'm just kidding.
What... what happened?
Where... where are your parents from?
What are you doing later?
What am I doing later?
Ooh, Cubed.
Do you have HPV? Do you want it?
I haven't drank in two months,
getting ready for this.
So I'm gonna, like, black out.
If anybody wants to get down with me,
like, sexually,
tonight is not the night.
But, yes, I'm gonna tie one on.
Anybody... yes, you,
sir. What's your name?
- Rick.
- Hi, Rick.
I want to give you a standing
I think we all should
give you a standing ovation.
This guy's sad 'cause he's wasted.
You don't have to... thank you.
This is good for the camera.
Wow.
Thank you.
Okay, okay. Thank you.
That was... that was nice.
A lot of people weren't into it.
Like, a lot of people got up
and were just kind of, like...
"Our reservations were,
like, ten minutes ago.
When's this bitch gonna wrap it up?"
Yes, you, gorgeous. Hi.
Can I buy you a drink,
possibly have a cocktail
with you at some point?
Ooh, this is awesome.
You can definitely buy me a drink.
I don't... I'm not gay.
I mean, I've caught a
finger. I'm not boring.
Trust me.
But, yeah, I could totally
see that happening.
I don't think that
would be weird at all.
Your boyfriend doesn't seem too psyched,
but he's all fired up about Pride.
Oh, yes, you. Hi.
So... who is your comedy mentor?
My comedy mentor.
That's a good question.
I hang out with
mostly 45-year-old dudes.
Thank you.
They're all comedians.
They're alcoholics.
Like, they don't drink anymore
'cause they can't, you know?
And it makes sense,
because, like, they look
at me, and they're just like,
"Oh, my God".
Like, they think I'm so hot
just 'cause I'm not their wives.
I walk in, they're like...
# Who's that girl? #
I'm like, "What?"
But out, like, you know, in the streets,
people are just throwing
lit cigarettes at me.
They're like, "Ugh, pass".
So, like, Dave Attell and Jim Norton.
Right?
And so... yeah, you
gotta love those guys.
Yeah... yes.
- Of women...
- Women.
- Comics, who is your mentor?
- Okay.
Okay, well, Jessica
Kirson was my mentor.
Like, she's in New York,
and she's amazing.
And then... sort of where she left off,
I just like... my mentor, like,
those guys took me on the road
to open for them a lot, so that's why.
But I grew up loving Gilda
and Goldie Hawn,
and I love Margaret Cho,
and Sarah... Palin.
I'm just kidding.
You, sir.
What's your feeling on a**l bleaching?
a**l bleaching.
I'm glad somebody brought this up.
That's a great question.
Okay, so here's how I feel about it.
When I heard about it, I was just like,
"Ew, everybody, chill out".
But then I looked at my own assh*le,
and I was like, "Whoa!
"That looks like something
out of the universe.
Maybe we should hook that up".
But I still haven't done anything.
But I keep a low pro, butt-wise.
You... I'm doing God's work.
I mean, am I healing people? Yes?
What's your favorite city?
My favorite city?
New York City...
Yeah...
Sorry, one girl's like, "Boo".
I like Madison, Wisconsin.
Nice.
And I think Cleveland's the worst.
Yes, you, sir?
Why is your sister here?
Why is my sister here?
You know what? I have no idea.
I didn't fly her in. She showed up.
She shows up wherever I am.
My sister is here because...
she's my best friend in the whole world,
and I love her and
trust her more than anyone.
And I dedicate this show to her.
And I want to thank my mom,
who's not a c**t at all.
My mom... please clap for my mom.
She's not a c**t.
But her bush was huge
when I was growing up.
That was true.
Okay, yeah?
Do you have to pee as bad as I do?
Oh, okay, she has to pee,
and she's really pretty.
So everyone's, like,
given her whatever
she wants her whole life.
I don't have to pee at all.
It's pretty sweet.
I feel, like, physically,
real comfortable up here.
I could hang out.
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna do my 90-minute
one-woman show now.
Thank you.
Thank you, Comedy Central,
and thank you guys.
Thank you.
Oh, God, Dad d*ed.
When?
I guess, like, today.
Are you gonna talk about it onstage?
Yeah.
Yeah? You should open with it.
Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff (2012)
Moderator: Maskath3