(Fireworks popping)
- Los angeles, california,
Y'all ready for this bitch?
[Cheers and applause]
Y'all give it up
For mr. Katt williams!
[Heartbeat]
- As far retirements go,
This one has clearly hit
Rock bottom.
But now,
What a wonderful place to be.
And look at
All of the beautiful people.
Question is,
Who in their right mind
Can come from three years
Living under a rock
And then
Come back into this?
Why, you need more
Than your hair done up
In the mayor
Of whoville style and a cape.
Luckily for me, I always
Have a secret w*apon.
[Heartbeat]
[Mc hammer by rick ross]
♪ ♪
- Boss.
Ricky ross.
It's triple "c".
Color, cut, clarity.
♪ My g*n dirty ♪
♪ My brick clean ♪
♪ I'm riding dirty ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen
Of los angeles,
Welcome to 2012,
g*dd*mn it!
Look around.
sh*t!
Whoo!
Ladies and gentlemen,
2012 Is upon us, and bitch
n*gg*s ain't happy about it.
I gotta tell you why.
First of all, how many people
Is happy that barack obama
Is the president of these
United states of america?
[Cheers and applause]
Now, I understand how
That could be a divisive issue.
But america ain't about
Division, g*dd*mn it.
It's about unity.
And never have white people
And black people
Been so united
And disgusted
At the same g*dd*mn time
As we are right now.
White people, let me say this
In front of n*gg*s.
We have had a black president
For quite some time right now,
And we have not had
An opportunity as n*gg*s
To thank you,
White people,
For the fact that you have
Let our commander-in-chief,
A n*gga,
Run this g*dd*mn country.
We appreciate that.
You didn't k*ll him.
You let the n*gga
Show up to work.
We thank you very much,
White people.
Understand that
From n*gg*s.
[Cheers and applause]
Now, what you need to
Understand, white people,
Is we have been confused
Ever since the n*gga
Got elected.
We don't know
What the f*ck is going on.
We working on faith,
White people.
Understand...
- That's right.
- When a n*gga
Takes the office,
As n*gg*s,
We have a meeting.
White people--"what?"
As n*gg*s,
We have a meeting.
We decided we was
Gonna support him.
Now, as a n*gga,
It is hard
For us to not talk sh*t
About what a m*therf*cker's
Doing on his g*dd*mn job.
That's kind of our sh*t
Is to talk sh*t
About what the f*ck
You should be doing.
Now, n*gg*s somehow
Swallowed all that.
And n*gg*s supported obama
Every step of the g*dd*mn way.
And in the beginning,
We was talking
With bass in our voice,
And using gestures,
And stomping our feet and sh*t.
Look, how long
Did it take you m*therf*ckers
To run this country
In the g*dd*mn ground?
Now, you want this n*gga
To do magic?
That was us eight months
After the election.
That was us.
Four months after that, we had
Lost all the bass our voice.
We just--"look, we don't know
What this n*gga is doing,
"But he's trying, okay?
"You got to give
This n*gga a chance.
"We don't know what the f*ck
He working with right now.
He--"
White people, let me just
Tell you, on behalf of n*gg*s,
Nobody watches a presidential
Speech harder than n*gg*s.
We be waiting on this n*gga
To say anything
That have something
To do with us.
We j--
[Laughter]
White people,
I've been so proud of y'all.
Y'all have become n*gg*s
In this recession
The way I knew you could.
Oh, look at white people--
"What do you mean
'Became n*gg*s'?" Oh, yes.
Oh, we all n*gg*s now.
You didn't know that?
You didn't hear
About the 99%?
That's n*gg*s.
Mm-hmm.
Not gonna be about race
No more in 2012.
Mm-mm.
It's bigger than that.
Ain't about white and black.
No, no, ain't about that.
It's about you versus them.
Them versus us.
We versus them.
And f*ck they m*therf*cking
Asses before we begin.
Now,
Understand this,
White people,
You cannot
Confuse the facts.
You only voted for this n*gga
Because he was
Kind of a n*gga.
He wasn't no
Full-fledged n*gga.
You wasn't gonna
Put no whole n*gga
In the g*dd*mn
White house.
And now you wanna
Blame this n*gga
For not doing
Niggardly sh*t?
"He never gets angry.
He never raises his voice.
He's just not strong enough.
He won't--"
You want him
To be a n*gga?
I don't think you want him
To be a n*gga. I don't--
I don't think you ready
To see michelle obama
Come to the news conference
In flip-flops.
I don't think you're ready.
[Laughter]
White people,
You have to understand,
We all in this
Together.
As black people, we didn't know
What the f*ck was gon' happen.
All we knew was it was time
For some sh*t to happen.
That's all we knew.
You have to forgive us
In the fact
That we voted for a n*gga
To be a superhero
And forgot to ask the n*gga,
"Could he fly?"
[Laughter]
White people, you need to
Understand how ready n*gg*s was
The day after the election.
You'll never understand.
We was ready for anything.
That n*gga could have
Said anything.
We was at the house
In double dutch mode, just...
[Laughter]
That n*gga could have
Said anything.
Barack obama could have came out
The next day after the election
And said,
"I want all n*gg*s
To go outside
And clean up trash,"
And it'd have been gangbangers
All over inglewood just...
[Laughter]
I don't think you wanna
Drop that right there
Today, my n*gga.
You understand
What I'm saying?
[Laughter]
Now, we don't know
What the f*ck going on.
We just waiting on obama
To give us our word.
We've been
Waiting so long,
That n*gga could give us
Anything right now.
That n*gga
Could give n*gg*s
Free small fries
Every 14th thursday,
And that would be
Good enough.
But, white people,
What we ain't gonna let you do
Is talk about this n*gga
Like he ain't a child of god.
This n*gga been out there
Doing his g*dd*mn job.
I'll tell you one thing,
I do seem to remember
That for eight years,
We couldn't find
The same one g*dd*mn t*rror1st
We was looking for.
I said, "one g*dd*mn t*rror1st
That we was looking for."
I said, "one g*dd*mn t*rror1st
That we was looking for."
And my g*dd*mn president
Done k*lled every
g*dd*mn t*rror1st
That ever g*dd*mn lived.
You can say what you want.
[Cheers and applause]
I'm not saying if you
Put a n*gga in the white house,
He won't f*ck up
The credit of the country.
[Laughter]
But if you want
Some t*rrorists,
You get yourself a n*gga.
Barack obama
Didn't have to send in
The army, and the navy,
And the coast guard.
Barack obama sent
Three m*therf*ckers in.
k*lled every t*rror1st.
Just one to sh**t 'em,
And two to pose.
Just...bap, bap!
♪ The land of the free ♪
[Cheers and applause]
We don't give a f*ck
About none of that bullshit.
I thought
President bush said
That O*ama b*n L*den
Was the axis of evil.
I thought he said
He was beelzebub himself.
For my spanish friends,
"Satan, el diablo."
[Laughter]
Not my m*therf*cking
President.
My president found that
m*therf*cker in an unfurnished,
One-bedroom apartment
With two g*dd*mn mattresses,
No backboard, one bitch,
No phone, no g*n,
Three laptops,
And a smart phone.
There's some drug dealers
In here tonight,
Got that in an escalade.
No.
No, you don't wanna
f*ck with america, baby.
Uh-uh,
All the t*rrorists gone.
What of f*cking
S*ddam hussein?
Oh, he was a dictator
For 40 years.
They pulled that m*therf*cker
Out of a eight-foot hole
With a twinkie,
A ding-dong,
And a king james version
Of a copy of the bible.
That n*gga
Came out the hole
Looking like me
With no perm in a mug sh*t.
[Laughter]
You better believe it.
Dude said, "you're ugly."
Yeah, you're supposed
To think that, f*g.
I don't do this sh*t
For what men think.
We're all men.
We all think like men.
But I'll tell you
One thing--
If you wanna know something
That'll sustain you,
Let me show
You a little secret
As to what gives me
The strength to say
"f*ck satan" right in his
m*therf*cking face.
Ladies, would you make some
m*therf*cking noise one time?
[Women cheering]
Whoo!
Well...
Well, sweet baby jesus,
Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Yes, fellas.
It's 2012.
If you got you a girl,
Time to stop f*cking around.
It's 2012, it's the g*dd*mn
Fourth quarter.
Whatever decision
You f*cking made,
It's done now.
Now, ladies,
That don't apply to y'all.
I understand some of y'all
Might be in here
With a steppin' stone n*gga.
You know, somebody to get you
Through till you see yourself.
Nothin' wrong with that.
But 2012 has come, and they got
Some surprises for us,
And you're gonna have to
Make sure you got
Something in your life
That belong you--
Some sh*t
That give a f*ck about you.
What I'm saying fellas,
If you got a woman
That's special in your life,
Put the games on hold
For a second,
And f*ck this bitch like you
Need her in your g*dd*mn life.
Just f*ck her like you need her
In your g*dd*mn life,
In case the world
Come to an end on 2012.
Now, ladies...
Ladies, we need y'all
Come on back home.
I understand some of you ladies
Done got beside yourself.
We didn't say sh*t.
We saw it happening,
We didn't say sh*t.
We saw y'all going off
To the little freaky nasty,
Little dirty, little sneaky
Freaky, little nasty store.
And we saw you
Purchasing yourself items
For 24, 29, 39.95,
And we know you got yourself
A rabbit and a b*llet,
And a b*llet
With a rabbit.
Now, there ain't nothing
Wrong with it, ladies,
But time to bring your
Ass back home for 2012.
Some of y'all done
f*cked your whole clitoris up,
f*cking around.
Look at the ladies.
"What?"
Some of you ladies have f*cked
Your entire vag*na up
Being greedy.
Just because
You have something
That can hit your spot
Every time, bitch,
Does not mean you
Got to hit that m*therf*cker
136 Times on target,
Just--
[Imitates buzzing]
f*cked your whole
g*dd*mn clitoris up.
Us fellas, we remember your
Clitoris the way it used to be.
We remember when
That m*therf*cker was so shy
It wouldn't even
Come out the hood.
You had to get down there
And talk sweet to it and sh*t.
"You just come on
Out of there.
I see you in there."
[Laughter]
Now you done hit that
m*therf*cker so many times,
That bitch is all
Outside of your clitoris,
Just outside
Of the camel toe,
Pushing the labia back.
"Bitch, your clitoris
Is scaring my penis.
You can't even--"
[Laughter]
My only point is it's time
To get your sh*t together.
It don't matter if what you got
In your life is f*cked up.
That's what the f*ck
You got.
2012 Coming,
And they not going to tell us
The sh*t we need to know.
That's why we all
Got to work together.
White people,
We need y'all to remember
That y'all
Were here with us.
You love mexicans and n*gg*s,
And don't act like you don't.
Look at them on the spot.
[Laughter]
I certainly do.
White people,
This is gonna be important.
2012 Is coming.
They say it is gonna be
The end of the world,
And, white people,
We know how y'all do
When y'all get some g*dd*mn
Information don't nobody know.
White people
Don't never leave.
They just disappear.
Just--
[Laughter]
n*gg*s, we gotta be
Careful in 2012.
They trying
To f*ck us over.
As black people,
We never leave on time.
Broke people,
We never leave.
As broke folks,
We always got too much sh*t,
Too many ends
To put together.
Not rich people.
Rich people get they sh*t,
Find out something is f*cked up,
And they leave.
And I speak for n*gg*s.
And n*gg*s ain't got nowhere
To g*dd*mn go, white people.
If the t*rrorists strike,
Everybody from ireland
Can go right back to ireland.
Everybody from england
Go right back.
Drake and 100 canadians,
All the way.
♪ Maybe she will ♪
What about n*gg*s?
We gotta go to our
Grandmamma house
And figure out how many minivans
We even got in the family.
It's coming down.
2012.
White people,
We gonna need you to tell us
What the f*ck is
Going on.
They ain't gonna
Tell us on b.e.t.
About the end
Of the g*dd*mn world.
Just understand
What I'm saying.
The videos still
Gonna playing.
They not even gonna
Put sh*t down at the bottom.
"n*gg*s, look outside.
The world is ending."
Nothing.
[Laughter]
Every time I see
My president,
It look to me like they done
Told that n*gga some sh*t
He can't f*cking tell us.
Every time you see obama,
He looking like this.
[Laughter]
Understand.
We already k*lled
All the t*rrorists.
Ain't no f*cking more.
They b*at the sh*t
Out of muammar gaddafi's ass.
Please tell me you saw what
Happened to muammar gaddafi.
That m*therf*cker was
The president of his country,
And, thanks to facebook...
[Laughter]
They gave this...
They gave
This m*therf*cker a b*ating
n*gg*s wasn't even
Familiar with.
It's hard to impress n*gg*s
With getting your ass whooped.
As n*gg*s, we've seen it done
All kinds of ways.
Never in the history
Of niggadom
Have we ever seen a m*therf*cker
Get his ass whooped
All the way
To an execution.
You b*at this n*gg*s ass
To k*ll him?
You could've just k*lled him.
Y'all sorry sons of b*tches.
And cnn ain't sh*t.
Cnn said they wasn't gonna show
It while they were showing it
In slow motion,
And put subtitles
Under this bitch
So you can understand
What he was saying clearly.
[Whoops indistinctly]
"Stop it.
You're k*lling me.
I am the president."
They b*at that n*gga
Like conrad murray
At a michael jackson
Concert.
[Laughter]
Oh, it--
2012 Is for real.
They said the mayans
Was talking about 2012.
Then they said
The mayans disappeared.
I'm here to tell
My people it's time
To stop believing bullshit
Just 'cause a m*therf*cker
Tell you bullshit
With a straight
Look on their face.
We too old, we too smart.
We too m*therf*cking good
To believe sh*t
Don't make
No f*cking sense.
You're too old to be
Believing in evolution
With your stupid,
Motherfuckin' ass.
Evolution say people
Came from monkeys,
And the question is,
"Why is there still monkeys,
You dumb
m*therf*cker, you?"
Is these
The Ret*rded monkeys?
They didn't
Turn into people just yet?
Get your stupid ass
The f*ck out of here.
[Laughter]
Fittin' to be 2012,
And you better
Believe something.
Don't nobody give a f*ck
What you believe.
You better
Believe something.
If there's any atheists
In the house,
Let me say,
"You stupid m*therf*ckers."
I don't care what god
You believe in,
You got to be
A special kind of Ret*rded
To be too stupid to make up
A god if there wasn't one.
Poor thing,
Who do you even pray to?
Nobody.
Even when you're f*cking,
Why do you f*ck?
You can't even come.
What do you say when you come,
Atheist?
"Oh, oh, oh..."
Nothing.
That's right.
'Cause that's
What you believe in.
You can't even--
[Laughter]
2012'S coming.
We already ready.
Been ready.
I don't care
What you believe in--
Believe in something.
White people,
Let me tell you this--
Every time you see a n*gga,
That does not mean
That n*gga has been endorsed
By other n*gg*s.
White people,
Let me stand here
In front of all these
n*gg*s and say publicly,
We were so m*therf*cking
Embarrassed
When herman, black,
Jiminy-cricket-ass cain.
Came out
The g*dd*mn woodwork.
White people,
Do you see us?
Look at n*gg*s.
We...
We had no idea, white people.
We had no...
And some white people
Looking at me like,
"What are you talking about,
Him f*cking people?"
No, no,
We didn't clear that n*gga.
[Laughter]
We did not clear this n*gga,
White people.
Do you hear?
Ain't nobody know this n*gga.
This n*gga...
White people, let me say
When n*gg*s found out
What with this
n*gga's qualifications was
For running the country,
When we found out
This n*gga sold pizza...
[Laughter]
Let me use your word,
White people,
We were flabbergasted.
[Laughter]
The audacity of this n*gga!
If you don't get your
Good-pizza-selling ass
On somewhere, herman...
n*gg*s that had
A hard enough time
Trying to g*dd*mn
Stick up for barack.
Here come herman cain's
Stupid ass.
n*gga, you can't be
No g*dd*mn president.
n*gga,
Your name is herman cain.
That's two reasons
You can't be president, n*gga.
Your first name
Is herman, n*gga,
You can't be president
If your name is herman.
n*gga, say it three times,
Herman, herman, herman.
Listen to that.
We already had a famous herman.
He was a monster, n*gga,
You can't be
No g*dd*mn president.
Talking about you sold
Some g*dd*mn pizza to who?
You didn't
Sell it to n*gg*s.
White people, we never heard
Of g*dd*mn godfather's pizza,
Let alone have a slice.
That n*gga ain't been
b*ating domino's.
Domino's has been
Beatin' the dog sh*t
Out of that g*dd*mn
Pizza place.
He can't even b*at
Little caesars,
And little caesars
Ain't even everywhere.
He sure ain't gonna
b*at papa john,
That m*therf*cker's
On cr*ck or something.
He want to make the pizza,
Deliver the pizza,
Eat the pizza,
Be in the commercial.
Papa john's.
We ain't gonna be able
To b*at him, herman.
Your last name is cain, n*gga,
You k*lled abel, n*gga.
If you don't
Get the f*ck up out of here,
f*cking it up for n*gg*s.
Whoo.
White people want barack obama
Out of office so g*dd*mn bad.
Oh, you should hear them
m*therf*ckers on talk radio.
Oh, they hate this n*gga.
If they could
Say the word "n*gga,"
Oh, they'd say it every--
Oh, they hate this n*gga.
Oh...
Oh, "g*dd*mn,
He's f*ckin' f*ckin' up
The g*dd*mn country
Is what he's doin'.
g*dd*mn entitlement.
[Laughter]
Poor n*gga, poor n*gga.
Just...
Understand,
It's fittin' to be 2012.
The mayans
Wasn't bullshittin'.
The mayans said it was
Some sh*t out there,
And then suddenly,
The mayans disappeared.
Now, they tell us
The mayans disappeared
'Cause they can't find
None of their f*ckin' bones.
But let me remind you
That you've can go
To any motherfuckin' museum
Anywhere in the world,
And they
Got a whole 62-foot dinosaur
From his nose
All the way to his nut sack,
And his toes,
5 Billion g*dd*mn years ago.
[Laughter]
Had a little company used
To be in america called nasa,
Standing for "national
Air space exploration."
[Laughter]
Take my word for it, n*gg*s,
It stood for going up there.
Look at white people--"that is
Not what it stood for at all."
[Laughter]
"That would be n-e-a-s-a.
We don't know what he's t--"
The fact of the matter is
Nasa used
To report to us,
Let us know what the f*ck
They was doing.
And for 40 years,
They spent $500 million a year
Sending space shuttles up,
Bringing them back down,
And they used to let
Us see 'em when they took off.
[Imitates rocket]
And then when they landed,
We'd be right there,
And we'd say,
"Show us what you got."
Then they started
Doing sneaky sh*t.
Taking off
The space shuttles
At 3:00 in the g*dd*mn
Mornin' and sh*t,
Landing them
In the middle of the night.
And if there ain't nobody
Looking, they'd just walk off,
Just--[imitates rocket]
[Laughter]
And now on cnn,
They say
They just discovered
16 New super-earths.
16 New super-earths.
Now, let me speak
For all n*gg*s when I say,
"What the f*ck
Is a g*dd*mn super-earth?
"We thought
This m*therf*cker was super
The whole g*dd*mn time."
Look at n*gg*s, "I don't
Believe none of this sh*t."
It's true, n*gg*s,
They had it on cnn the same
g*dd*mn day I was on cnn.
How the f*ck
Could I have missed that?
They put the sh*t
Right up under me,
Blew a n*gga's whole high,
Just, "16 new super earths?"
[Laughter]
They planning
On leaving us, people.
[Laughter]
Please remember
Where you heard it first,
Right at the cusp of 2012.
They are planning on leaving our
Motherfuckin' ass right there.
They got space shuttles
Lined up
With gps navigation,
Onstar...
[Laughter]
'Cause remember when I told you
The 99%--them was n*gg*s?
And we're
The original n*gg*s.
Rich people is tired of going
On vacation, seeing n*gg*s.
[Laughter]
Rich people make
$100 Million dollars.
Can't escape n*gg*s.
Make $100 million dollars,
Go to africa for a safari,
And all they wanna see
Is some animals.
n*gg*s everywhere.
"It was a n*gga that led us
To the giraffe.
Ain't that a bitch?"
Look on your map
When you get home.
Look at everywhere
That n*gg*s are.
Sure, they broke.
Sure, they hungry.
[Laughter]
Every last
One of them n*gg*s
Live right up under a palm tree
On a sandy beach.
Go ahead.
Try to take your dumb ass
To jamaica and not see n*gg*s.
Go on.
The whole bahamas.
Go on over there,
Turks and caicos.
See how many
n*gg*s you see.
Go on to haiti.
n*gg*s, n*gg*s everywhere.
Just n*gg*s thrown
On the street, just...
Stomachs growling,
Perfectly tanned.
[Laughter]
Better believe something.
This sh*t gonna come
To a m*therf*cking end.
Better have something
To believe in.
If you're a christian, make some
m*therf*cking noise in the house
If you're a christian.
[Crowd cheers]
Oh, yes. Yes.
Y'all supposed to be
The most excited.
Oh. Oh.
As long as y'all
Done had it all figured out?
Oh...
Christians supposed to be
Walking right up to 2012.
[Laughter]
Fact of the matter is
Some people been
Lying on jesus.
And he's fittin'
To come back.
You ain't gonna be able to lie
To him when he looking at you.
All that sh*t
You were talking about,
Jesus giving a f*ck
'Bout your building fund.
[Laughter]
I bet jesus don't know
Nothing about your roof.
I bet he don't even know,
Bet he don't even know.
Mm-hmm.
Better hope
He don't come back,
'Cause somebody
Been bullshitting.
Everybody ain't been
Telling the truth.
See, all these
m*therf*ckers be talking
About the end of the world
'Cause they don't want
That m*therf*cker to come,
'Cause they know they bullshit
Gonna be front and center.
Look at the roman
Catholic church.
That's the first church
That ever was.
Beautiful sh*t.
They got some of the best church
You ever f*cking saw.
Even n*gg*s stop and watch it
When it come on tv.
Just, when you see--just--
[Imitates
Religious chanting]
[Laughter]
n*gg*s be at
Their house like,
"That's some fly-ass sh*t
On the low, n*gga."
'Cause we be thinking,
If the choir came in
Right after them, n*gga,
Just--
[Rhythmically]
"Jesus is coming back."
[Chanting]
Then we find out
The priest
Is f*cking little boys
In the confessional.
Whoo! Jesus is not gonna be
Happy about that.
You better tell
Some of them nuns
To start giving out
Some p*ssy or something,
'Cause you gonna
Have to even that up
Before jesus get back.
He is not--
Let me say, if you've tried
To look for a god,
And you ain't got one,
You could do a lot worse
Than christianity.
Let me tell you, if you ain't
Got nobody to worship,
You could go for jesus.
Jesus has been kicking ass
For a long time.
Jesus--that is--
He is something else.
First of all, understand,
You don't never even see
A picture of jesus out of focus.
Every time you see jesus,
He right looking
At the cameraman.
His robes is clean,
His perm is straight,
Cut in a bob,
Got a nice beard to let you know
He ain't no p*ssy--
Ain't nothin' to be
f*cked around with.
[Laughter]
- We love you, katt!
- Better have something
To believe in.
It ain't a lot
Of jesuses out there.
Some of these religions
Got terrible gods.
I love the buddhist people,
They don't believe in nothin'
But peace and love.
But, uh, it's gonna be
Hard for you to get, uh,
n*gg*s to serve
Your god if he...
Ain't been tending
To the self correctly.
You--i don't know if y'all
Have seen buddha before,
But n*gg*s is not
Gonna be able to serve him.
He has an obesity problem.
n*gg*s is--
Jesus would've
Healed that already.
He wouldn't even come out here
With no damn shirt on
And some pampers and sh*t,
Talkin' 'bout--
Jesus probably somewhere
With a shake weight right now,
Getting ready
To kick satan's ass.
[Laughter]
Can't be serving no buddha,
That n*gga look like rick ross
In the peripheral.
You get to heaven,
That n*gga--
"Oh...
I think I'm big. Neat."
Jesus?
[Laughter]
Can't serve the hindu god.
Hindu god is too confusing
For n*gg*s.
Hindu god is a woman,
And she green, and she got
Eight arms, and stand like this.
No, we might want
To f*ck that bitch once,
But we're not gonna be...
Gotta have something
To believe in.
Gotta believe in something.
The indians, they tried
To make everything a god.
You can't play
With god like that.
n*gg*s don't want
Everything to be a god.
You can't have
No corn god, n*gga.
"There's the god
Of the wind, and--"
No, hold on.
Hold on.
"No, it's the corn god."
Ain't not g*dd*mn corn god,
Mr. Indian.
"It's the god of the corn."
No, it's not, because
What is that in my feces?
Is that...
[Laughter]
Y'all be careful.
I heard mitt romney
Was a mormon,
And I didn't know sh*t
About the mormons.
And I looked up the book
And found out they have
Multiple wives.
I hurry up, closed the book.
That's some pimp sh*t.
Keep that.
We might need that.
That might work out right there.
We'll keep that.
Give that some prayerful
Consideration there, you know.
Fittin' to be 2012,
It's about what you believe in.
Gotta find you
Something to believe in.
It's about the three rs.
It's about religion,
Relationship, 'rithmetic.
[Laughter]
Look at white people,
"That is not how it's spelled,
I'll tell you that right now."
World getting crazy.
If you believe in the bible,
Understand,
You gotta be careful.
I did all this sh*t,
I was trying to find whatever
Religion was gonna help me.
I even tried rastafarian,
And let me tell you...
They had my attention,
Let me tell you, they--
These m*therf*ckers say,
"We believe everything
Christians believe.
We just believe
The higher you get,
The closer you are to god."
[Cheers and applause]
"Well, I think
I'd like to try that."
n*gga gets so high, he tried to
Look in jesus' window and sh*t.
[Laughter]
Everybody wants you
To believe some sh*t.
Find you something
To believe in,
Get you some people
That give a f*ck about you,
Get your team together.
The sh*t
Gonna hit the fan.
The bible say,
"First shall be last,"
And I don't know,
But speaking for n*gg*s,
We have been
The first at last
For a long time.
I don't think you ever gonna
Be able to b*at us at that.
You ain't gonna be
Able to out-last n*gg*s.
We've been last--
[Laughter]
Gay people wanna be n*gg*s.
They wanna say
It's civil rights. No.
No, 'cause as a gay person,
You can be gay.
You just--it's about what kind
Of person you are gay.
As a n*gga, we was treated
Like animals first,
Then they let us put on clothes,
Then they let us get in the nba.
[Laughter]
We got to prove something
For ourselves for generations.
Like, when I'm talking
To mexicans,
I'm talking to mexicans
Like they're really n*gg*s,
'Cause as far as we know,
They the closest to n*gg*s
We ever saw in this
g*dd*mn country.
We thought
They was our n*gg*s,
We was proud
That they had a country,
And decided to come over
Here any m*therf*cking way.
We thought that was
Some american sh*t.
See, you got a lot
Of politicians that tell you,
"We need to keep
Some people out."
Ain't no m*therf*cking people
To keep the f*ck out.
We need everybody
That's right the f*ck here.
See, what you don't understand
Is when you watch the news,
You see all of these people
Talking sh*t about america.
Understand, they talking sh*t
About america
From they little dusty-ass,
Piece of sh*t-ass country
With no g*dd*mn
Air conditioning
And no way to get a mountain dew
And a snicker bar.
That ain't
Our g*dd*mn fault.
m*therf*ckers wanna say,
"We should all be equal."
Bullshit.
Equal to what?
We are better than you.
[Laughter]
Don't be ashamed
To f*cking say it.
We're better
Than they are.
We work harder, we try harder.
Nothing beats us.
We have kicked this recession
So m*therf*cking hard.
First of all, n*gg*s,
Let me say we didn't even know
It was a recession
Until they gave it a word.
This is the sh*t n*gg*s
Was doing the whole time,
White people,
Welcome aboard.
Welcome aboard,
Get yourself some top ramen,
Make yourself comfortable.
This is beautiful.
[Cheers and applause]
America ain't about
What the f*ck happens to you.
America is
About what the f*ck you do
When the sh*t
Happens to you.
So, now...
- Preach on, katt!
- I have to come back
And tell my people
They fittin' to f*ck us.
When you go home
Into your 2012,
Understand they already
Have concentration camps
In the united states
Of m*therf*cking america
That they've been building
For four years now.
And the question is,
Who in the f*ck is you
Fittin' to put in there?
We already got a prison,
And that m*therf*cker
Is so packed.
'Cause at the end of the day,
It's all bullshit.
It's all bullshit,
White people.
Conrad murray
Got four years,
And ain't gonna do
But two of them,
And m*therf*ckers looking at him
Like he got what he deserved.
How the f*ck do you figure he
Got what the f*ck he deserved?
You can m*rder
A billionaire,
And get 2 1/2 years
And probation?
These n*gg*s had me
On six years of probation
For a blunt
I hadn't lit yet.
[Cheers and applause]
Understand the bullshit
Is hitting the fan, god damn it.
They gave conrad murray's
m*therf*cking ass
Less than
Four g*dd*mn years.
Understand, white people,
That once was a man
Named plaxico burress.
Now, this n*gga sh*t
His self in the g*dd*mn leg.
Understand that.
This n*gga
Assaulted himself.
[Laughter]
He didn't snitch
On his self,
Didn't turn his self in,
File charges against himself.
Three whole years
Penitentiary
sh**ting yourself.
[Laughter]
And I know some of y'all
Looking at me like,
"You not fittin'
To talk about michael, are you?"
Yes, I am.
First of all,
Let me start off by saying,
Would all the michael jackson
Fans please make some noise
In the building
This evening?
[Cheers and applause]
I don't apologize often.
This is not a time
For me to start.
[Laughter]
But when I was talking, I was
Talking about somebody live.
- Go ahead, katt!
- And the fact
Of the matter is
We watched this n*gga
Get m*rder*d,
Right in front
Of our own m*therf*cking face,
And the n*gga knew
It was fittin' to happen.
He told us,
And we didn't know.
n*gga named his last tour,
"This is it."
[Laughter]
White people,
Let me just tell you
A little n*gga secret,
If I could.
n*gg*s have never said,
"This is it,"
In a celebratory fashion.
Let me just say...
White people
Do it all the time.
"This is it!"
Not n*gg*s.
Every time we sayin' it,
We say it like this,
"You know what, n*gga?
This is it."
[Mic thuds]
[Laughter]
And they straight up
k*lled that n*gga.
k*lled him and gave us
The most bullshit story
We ever heard
Our entire life.
First, they told us
This n*gga was a drug addict.
Then we find out
This n*gga's drug was sleep.
[Laughter]
Are you telling me this n*gga
Got high and went to sleep?
Yeah,
That's no drug addict.
Something's afoul here.
This story don't go together.
Understand, white people,
No story ends with coma.
But certainly,
No story starts with coma.
They started this n*gga's
Story off with coma.
Said, "n*gga..."
I don't know
How he would sleep.
I'm sure he don't sleep regular,
But I'm sure he was--
[Laughter and applause]
I don't know how he would sleep,
But I know he slept fancy.
[Laughter]
The next story is this n*gga
Was asleep, in a coma.
Then they say he wakes up
Out of his coma.
Now, understand, n*gg*s,
The whole thing about a coma
Is supposed to be you can't
Get the f*ck up from one.
I'll come back
To that part later.
So, the n*gga wakes up
Out of the coma.
[Laughter]
"Conrad?
"Conrad,
Where are you?
Conrad, tito,
Someone, come here."
This is where the story
Gets f*cked up.
Then they say
Ain't nobody there.
So they say
He grabs the propofol...
And injects
His m*therf*cking self,
And goes back into a coma.
♪ Girl, close your eyes ♪
♪ Let the propofol
Into you ♪
[Laughter]
Are you telling me
That a n*gga
Would pay somebody
$150,000 A month
To do some sh*t
He could wake up out of a coma
And do for himself?
You can kiss
My m*therf*cking ass.
That's like me paying a bitch
To suck my d*ck after the show,
And paying her girlfriend
To swallow.
[Laughter]
White people,
It was a set-up.
We knew it as soon
As we saw conrad murray,
'Cause it couldn't have been no
n*gga to k*ll michael jackson,
But it certainly couldn't have
Been no white doctor.
Oh...
[Laughter]
If a white doctor
Had k*lled michael jackson,
It would have been 600,000
n*gg*s in moon walking socks
The next day just rioting
And dancing at the same time.
They got that piece
Of sh*t-ass conrad murray.
That m*therf*cker--
That's what a snake look like,
In case you want to know
What a m*therf*cking demon
Look like in person,
Look at conrad murray's
m*therf*cking ass.
That n*gga was on trial--
Any time a n*gga
Can't cry.
White people,
Understand,
n*gg*s either cry
One of two ways--
Not at all...
Or all the way.
[Laughter]
Conrad murray
Was on trial for 14 weeks
Trying to get one tear
Out his lyin'-ass eyes, just--
[Laughter]
f*ck-ass n*gga.
You let--the bible say,
Don't believe no n*gga
That can't say truth.
This n*gga all on tv,
"I am going to
Tell the troot."
What did that n*gga say
He was gonna tell?
"I am going to
Tell the troot.
I have fait."
Then that n*gga
Had this trial,
And he embarrassed
Every n*gga in the world.
Right in the middle
Of the conrad murray trial,
When we thought it couldn't
Get no f*cking worse,
This n*gga bring out
As a witness,
The oldest living sl*ve
We have ever seen.
Please tell me
You saw that old bitch.
[Laughter]
That bitch was
136 g*dd*mn years old.
That bitch...
It took her so long
To get to the stand
That you knew this bitch
Was gonna tell the truth, she--
[Laughter]
This bitch was 136,
And her wig was brand-new!
Had the tag
Still in that bitch.
Her sl*ve
m*therf*cking ass--
This bitch
Snuck on the stand.
How do you sit like a sl*ve?
She just...
[Laughter]
Every time the judge
Ask her something,
"Excuse me, judge."
f*cking judge asked her,
"Is conrad murray greedy?"
And this old, decrepit bitch
Acted like "greedy"
Was the worst insult
She had ever heard
In her g*dd*mn--
"Greedy? No, conrad, ain't--"
Shut your ugly ass
Up, bitch.
That was the only problem
With michael jackson.
His fans
Was too g*dd*mn nice.
Nice-ass michael jackson fans
Letting conrad murray's punk ass
Go to court
Every g*dd*mn day
With no security.
That's why you got to have
Some ghetto fans.
You ain't gonna be able
To just k*ll me, n*gga,
And go to court
Like everything is okay.
It's gonna be a bitch
To hit you with a brick
Every time
You show up to court.
Just, "I'm here--"
[Laughter,
Cheers and applause]
- We love you, katt!
- Five minutes?
[Crowd cheering]
- We love you!
- All right, let me, um...
Let me--let me just--
Let me just take this time
To say that, um...
f*ck.
Okay, look.
Just cut this real quick
So I can tell y'all something.
[Laughter]
Cut.
Okay.
No--no bullshit.
I don't know
Each of y'all personally,
But I always feel
A little more comfortable
When I'm up here,
And the people is out here,
Because
At the end of the day,
I really was never tall,
Even when I started.
[Laughter]
I never was really special
To f*cking look at,
But when I came to l.a., n*gg*s
Acted like they understood
Where the f*ck
I was coming from,
And allowed a n*gga
To be that.
- We love you!
- So when I retired,
There was a lot
Of things going on,
And I didn't wanna come back
And tell y'all
What the f*ck it was, because
I wanted y'all to be proud of me
For some sh*t,
Even if I was f*cking it up.
But then they started
Arresting a n*gga so much.
[Laughter]
Understand,
You can only get arrested
Maybe six times before
It ain't fun no more.
I just want you to understand
That if you go to tmz,
You will see the fact
That I've been
Arrested 14 times
In 46 months.
What I want you
To understand is
You have never, ever
In your life seen me
Standing in a courthouse.
Now, put them
Two things together.
Satan ain't sh*t.
Everything he try to do
He loses at,
'Cause he ain't sh*t.
His people ain't sh*t,
Nothing he likes is sh*t.
All his people is ugly.
They all stink.
They was worse off
Before the recession,
During the recession,
After the recession.
He ain't sh*t.
And so understand...
That even if they
Was gonna k*ll me
For the sh*t
I got to say,
I don't know
Why I'm still here
In the first
m*therf*cking place.
What I do know is I've been
Waiting my whole life for 2012.
I've been waiting
My whole life to think
That the end of the g*dd*mn
World was fittin' to come.
So now, n*gg*s,
Let's say it don't come.
Can we agree to at least act
Like this gonna be our last time
On this m*therf*cker so we can
Do it right one g*dd*mn time?
What I'm telling you is,
Bitch n*gg*s is done.
I know what you've
Been seeing,
I know what you've
Been looking at.
I know you think
Tyler perry must have
46 More cross-dressing
Drag queen movies left in him.
[Laughter]
I'm not h*m*.
I have nothing
Against gay women at all.
Power to the lesbian nation.
May we all eat p*ssy
This evening, if it's feasible.
[Laughter]
But it's time for people
To stand up
For what the f*ck they are.
Everybody can't be ashamed
To tell the g*dd*mn truth.
It can't be everybody
That won't say
What they f*ck
They meant to say
As soon they get
The opportunity.
Christian people,
It's the same for y'all.
If y'all so holy, it's time
To get m*therf*cking holy.
If you
Believe in some sh*t,
Make sure you got
Some right sh*t,
Because I'm trying
To tell you,
Everybody can't be right.
I say f*ck
Bishop eddie long,
And everybody whoever
Went to his g*dd*mn church,
Is what I say.
f*ck the choir,
The choir director,
The people in the choir,
The n*gga on drums,
f*ck them
In the parking lot.
[Laughter]
Not because I'm h*m*,
Because I don't think
You can preach the gospel
With booty on your breath.
I just don't think you can.
I'm not saying you can't.
I don't think you can.
It's not my fault.
When I was eight years old,
They told me a bunch of stories
That didn't make no sense.
They put me down and sat me
Right me in front of the bible
And told me a story
About sodom and gomorrah.
They told me it was
Two cities in the bible
Where men lay with men.
Then they said
The next day,
God burnt the whole g*dd*mn
Two cities to the ground.
End of the g*dd*mn story.
Now, I don't know what you
Get out of that story.
I told my brother,
"I don't give a f*ck
If you are three, n*gga.
"They just said they was gonna
Burn down our bunk beds
If you get in
This g*dd*mn bed."
[Laughter]
It's just what the f*ck
They told me.
I just didn't know.
- One minute!
- Hey, some of you n*gg*s'
Watch ain't right.
Is it two, or is it one?
Let me know.
It's two?
[Overlapping shouts]
Let me ask the white people.
What--white people,
What time is it, please?
[Laughter]
[Overlapping shouts]
It's time.
All right, put it on,
g*dd*mn it.
Let's see it.
Hey, where my people at?
Ladies and gentlemen,
No matter what,
We are here at the cusp
Of 2012, g*dd*mn it!
Whoo!
It's fittin' to come!
Hey!
Where my people at?
Okay, hold on.
[Cheers and applause]
Audience: eight...
Seven...six...
Five...four...
Three...two...one.
Happy new year!
- Happy new year!
[Cheers and applause]
- It's really good
To see the people
Who, um...
A sh*t was not given to.
To be able to stand
On a grand stage
And show how they do
Their craft.
- All right, y'all,
Make some noise for your
Host for the show, red grant.
Let's go, y'all!
- See, some of y'all
Ain't gonna laugh tonight
'Cause you ain't
Got your spirit right.
So, have fun tonight,
Because you don't know
If you gonna be here
Tomorrow, n*gga.
All right?
This is your night.
[Cheers and applause]
This brother right here
Is from dayton, ohio,
Where katt
Williams is from.
He's funny as hell.
Give it up for my man
Mr. Clayton perkins, y'all.
Let's go,
Let's go, let's go.
- Y'all ready to see katt?
[Crowd cheers]
Well, you got me now,
m*therf*ckers.
Yeah, I was geeked
To get this m*therf*cker.
I called everybody I know.
I even called my girl.
I got to b*at boxin'
That sh*t.
"Baby, you ain't gonna
Believe this sh*t.
I got a m*therf*cking job."
[b*at boxing]
"A, a--a job."
[b*at boxing]
That bitch is like,
"Good, n*gga, now you can
Help me with that rent."
[b*at boxing]
"Rent, rent, rent, rent."
[Cheers and applauses]
- [Laughs] keep that energy--
That same energy going.
Y'all give it up for my girl,
Chaunte wayans.
- That's right. Y'all looking
Real confused right now.
Like, "who is this
Dude with titties?"
This is a real quick
Announcement
To unattractive girls--
If you are ugly
In the straight world,
Ten times out of ten,
You're gonna be ugly
In the gay world.
All right? So...
[Chuckles]
Don't try to come
To the gay life
Like n*gg*s
Ain't treating you sh*t
'Cause we won't
Either, okay?
- If you ain't laughing yet,
You just stupid.
This female right here
Is from alabama--
Mobile, alabama.
By way of mobile, alabama.
I love her to death, man,
Katt love her to death.
Y'all give it up for my girl
Ashima franklin, y'all.
Y'all give it up
For ashima franklin, y'all.
Let's go, let's go!
- Shout out
To all the ladies in here
Who sucking d*ck right here,
Any ladies sucking d*ck?
[Cheers]
Oh, sh*t.
Ain't nobody on the front row,
Player.
What the f*ck is going on?
Hey, you got a white girl,
And she ain't
Sucking your d*ck, n*gga?
What the f*ck?
n*gga, k*ll yourself.
What the hell is going on
With this m*therf*cker?
You got a white girl on
The front row at katt williams?
Man, martin luther king d*ed
For nothing, n*gga.
You get your g*dd*mn ass
On up out of here.
- This my man right here, man.
He's signature, dog.
He a two-time
Def comedy jam all star,
And he is hilarious,
Ripping this bitch up.
Y'all give it up for my man,
Mr. Wil sylvince, y'all.
Y'all give it up
For wil sylvince.
Let's go, let's go.
- The worst seat in coach
Is that middle seat, isn't it?
[Laughter]
Look at this, you gotta sit
Like a gay person in coach.
Look at this sh*t.
I'm a thug.
I done sh*t six m*therf*ckers.
Look at...
[Laughter]
- This is my homegirl.
She's funny as sh*t.
She's like
The mother of the tour.
Want you all to keep
The energy going.
Give it up for my homegirl
Ms. Pat, y'all.
Let's go, let's go.
- Anybody married?
[Cheers and applause]
I'm for real
About my marriage.
I just get in the bed,
And I be like,
"Baby, you want
Some p*ssy?"
[Laughter]
'Cause if you want it,
I'll wash it.
[Laughter]
- My hair was probably the most
Magnificent it's ever been,
And I really looked like
The mayor of whoville.
My white friends
Will appreciate it.
Long live the grinch.
[Laughter]
Katt Williams: Kattpacalypse (2012)
Moderator: Maskath3