[rap music plays]
[audience cheers]
[music rewinds, stops]
Ladies and gentlemen, what a pleasure it
is to be here this evening.
-[audience cheers]
-[horn blaring]
I'd like to take a second
to let you know...
[audience yells indistinctly]
This is one of the most beautiful
audiences I ever seen in my g*dd*mn life.
You n*gg*s came to see...
When I say n*gg*s...
I mean all of us.
[audience laughs]
White people,
y'all in the building this evening?
-Make some noise, white people!
-[horn blares]
Look at n*gg*s shocked. "What?"
And spread out, too.
We got the best of the best.
Where's my Hispanic family
in the building? Where's the Latinx?
-[audience cheers]
-[Katt] A-ha!
A-ha!
Well, you know there's a virus out there
that will k*ll a m*therf*cker.
Got to be something special
to have me here.
Let's see what it is.
Where's the ladies in the building?
Make some noise.
-Ladies in the building!
-[horn blaring]
-[audience cheers]
-[Katt] Mm-hm!
Did you smell that in there?
That was a lot of good uterus.
Mm-hm. That was some high estrogen levels.
I got the best audience.
And I had to have it.
A pandemic made you restructure your life.
You miss your family.
Y'all are my m*therf*cking family.
For the ten-year challenge,
I don't even recognize this sh*t.
Is this the real world?
This sh*t is crazy.
You don't know what to believe.
Don't nobody even make up
conspiracy theories no more.
The truth is f*cked up enough.
[audience cheers]
[Katt] For everybody.
You don't know what the f*ck to believe.
Some of y'all in here
got three vaccinations and four boosters!
And you just as scared of the next
variant as the next m*therf*cker.
We don't know what to believe.
Ten years ago, we even said we don't let
m*therf*ckers tell us what to do.
We let them tell us, the worldwide doctors
told us to get the vaccine.
These dirty sons of b*tches,
they ain't showing us not nair a doctor.
I guess Dr. Fauci made all the vaccines.
He the only one we ever see!
Don't get me wrong, I don't give a f*ck.
I don't mind taking the vaccine.
When I take my dog to the vet,
I get whatever sh*ts <i>he's </i>getting.
He get a rabies sh*t, me too.
That's my friend, bitch.
I'm as likely to bite somebody as he is.
Crazy world.
You don't know what to believe.
The truth is just as strange as fiction.
Taco Bell...
selling chicken wings.
This is in Revelations, bitch!
cr*ck your bible and see.
Some of you n*gg*s is tearing up
them pigeon winglets.
f*cking up them Mac Tenders.
You don't know what the f*ck to believe.
That's how it is.
You may not know what to f*cking believe.
The truth can be stranger than fiction.
They won't tell you sh*t.
They won't tell you that Wendy Williams
is Sasquatch.
That bitch is Bigfoot!
Every time you see her go on hiatus,
that's when you start
seeing sightings of Bigfoot.
The truth will come out later. You'll see.
Just saying, they'll tell us anything.
That's why it's called World w*r III.
'Cause there's a whole m*therf*cking
w*r going on right now.
And they ain't telling us sh*t.
We don't even know whose side is what.
Whole w*r going on.
Fortunately, for us, it's simple.
It ain't even complicated.
White people, don't get nervous.
It ain't about race this time.
Mm-mm. Ain't about money this time.
No, no.
This time it's a lie versus the truth.
Just that simple.
A lie versus the truth. That's it.
Just a lie versus the truth. Ah!
The lie...
I'm not here to say what side
is the best side.
I'm just saying, them's the sides.
Watch this. Where is all the lovers
of truth at in the building?
Make some noise
if you love the truth.
-[audience cheers]
-[horn blares]
Whoo! Look at the lovers of truth.
Strong in this bitch.
Keep that same energy.
Don't switch up on me.
So, lovers of truth. Watch this.
Where's all the liars in the building?
Make some noise. Liars.
Yeah!
Look at the lovers of truth. "What?
I didn't think they would tell the truth."
Liars do what the f*ck they want to do.
Just understand, there's two sides.
You always got to have a proper
respect for your opps.
One of these sides don't respect the opps.
The lovers of truth,
they don't give a f*ck about the lie.
And they will tell you,
"Bitch, this is the truth right here.
I don't give a f*ck!"
You tell them about the lie.
The lie ain't sh*t.
sh*t.
Liars run the world.
Better respect it.
Liars run the world.
For every time one lie gets told,
one million people
make one million dollars.
For every lie,
you know who the f*ck pays for it?
Whoever the f*ck don't know it's a lie.
That's who the f*ck pays for it.
Yep. And they lie to all of us.
Not some of us.
Look at white people, "Not us." Yes.
All of us.
They lie to us all together.
They told all of us in here.
There's a chicken wing shortage.
Look at people of all races and religions,
genders and creeds all agree.
"They sure did say that."
They told all of us.
There's a chicken wing shortage.
Doesn't matter how much
we all love chicken.
We didn't riot in the streets.
We didn't burn burger places down.
We just believed them.
But liars always leave a clue.
They think they smarter than them is.
They say it to all of us,
"There is a chicken wing shortage."
Did you notice they did not say
it was a shortage of chickens?
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Said it was a chicken wing shortage.
But they did not say...
it was a shortage of chickens.
Now, I know some of y'all
don't grow up on the farm.
Maybe you don't see a chicken every day.
But try to envision in your mind
what a chicken looks like.
'Cause if a liar can get you
to believe some sh*t,
they don't stop there. They double down.
Just so you knew they was lying,
they said some sh*t next,
that don't even make mathematical sense.
They said there's
a chicken wing shortage...
but we got plenty of thighs.
[audience applauds, cheers]
Where the f*ck would you get
plenty of thighs from, bitch?
Look, I'm not a farmer.
Or a scientist. But I will tell you this,
all chicken wings… come from a chicken.
They get two wings, two thighs.
So don't start talking about
you got a whole bunch of thighs.
Where the f*ck are you getting these
spider leg chickens from?
See, the problem is,
some of y'all believe in God,
some of y'all believe in science.
I believe in both.
Science might have done some things,
and God did some things.
Science might have made a lot of sh*t,
but God made the chicken.
You ain't going to tell me.
God made the chicken.
He did that for the world.
That's how you know it's from God.
What group of people
don't f*ck with chicken?
Look at the vegans. "Just us."
God made the chicken.
That bitch ain't safe nowhere.
Every time a chicken's foot
hits the ground,
somebody want to put that bitch in grease.
In China, in France,
in Europe, in Mississippi.
That's how you know God made it,
because that bird is the most
delicious bird.
In the whole world!
And that m*therf*cker can't fly.
'Cause God loves you.
If chickens could fly,
half the m*therf*ckers in here
would be dead right now if you had to...
if you had to catch your own two-piece,
you'll die.
You just in the backyard...
"That was a spicy combo, too.
I can't keep missing these opportunities."
Anyway...
I'm just saying,
figure out what you can trust.
'Cause it used to be it was people
out there that we trusted.
Their job made us trust them.
That they would do the right thing by us.
That sh*t is gone-gone.
Been gone.
What the f*ck you mean?
They want you to do sh*t
that don't make no sense.
That's why I won't even talk
about politics no more.
Ain't sh*t to talk about.
What the f*ck I'm supposed to do
if both sides is the dumb side?
[audience laughs]
I don't even want to play no more!
What the f*ck is this sh*t?
But that's America.
We just don't want what we had last.
[audience laughs, cheers intensify]
Ten years ago, some of you ladies
was with a full-fledged gangbanger.
Look at you ten years later
in here with that bank teller.
You look like you work at the bank.
That's how our country do.
We don't give a f*ck.
Just don't give us the last sh*t.
We traded in a crazy,
deranged, erratic m*therf*cker.
We traded him in
for a <i>Weekend at Bernie's.</i>
["Who Want Smoke??" by Nardo Wick plays]
<i>♪ What the f*ck is that?</i>
<i>What the f*ck is that? </i>♪
♪ <i>That's how I step on n*gg*s </i>♪
Too much going on.
You can't believe nothing that people say.
This is some crazy sh*t.
You m*therf*ckers is vicious.
You don't give a f*ck about nobody.
m*therf*cker, I'm so sick of m*therf*ckers
talking sh*t about Joe Biden.
"Joe need to get his sh*t together."
"You need to wake up, Joe."
"Go Brandon, Joe."
What the f*ck is wrong with you people?
Who raised you?
Joe Biden is 96 m*therf*cking
years old, bitch.
You gave Paw Paw the job, bitch.
You gave Great-Granddad
[garbles] the job, bitch.
Now, you want Big Daddy
to get his sh*t together.
Joe Biden is doing the best
he m*therf*cking can.
That man is 97 years old.
People talking sh*t about Joe Biden.
"I don't like the way
he left Afghanistan."
Bitch, how the f*ck do you think
a 98-year-old man leave a fight?
Quickly and quietly, I bet you.
Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this.
Joe is doing the best he f*cking can.
Give him a f*cking break.
Joe is 99 g*dd*mn years old.
If you are lucky enough
to have a great-granddaddy,
call him up right now
on the phone and ask him
is he ready to do 12 press conferences
tomorrow, bitch.
No, he is not.
Joe be doing the best he can.
He show up at all the press conferences.
You can ask Joe anything.
But he only going to answer half...
of what the question is.
He is not going to let you know
when he get off at the nearest exit.
[chuckles] They said, "Joe...
America just dealt
with a terrible hurricane season.
Do you have some words of encouragement
for the American people about hurricanes?"
Joe said...
"Thank you so much for asking.
First of all, our thoughts and prayers
go out to all the families
dealing with hurricanes throughout
the entire United States.
What a lot of Americans have been doing
to fight the hurricanes
is getting vaccinated."
["Who Want Smoke??" by Nardo Wick plays]
♪ <i>What the f*ck is that? </i>♪
[audience cheers, laughs]
There's too much sh*t going on.
Too much sh*t going on.
They doing their best with Joe.
Every morning, they tell Joe,
"Joe, today...
Don't say sh*t today, Joe."
"No, I want to tell the American people."
I love it. [sighs]
And that's how you can tell
the Vice President is a real Black woman.
You don't see her nowhere.
She ain't at the mall,
at the club, nothing.
She in her room at the White House.
Too much sh*t going on.
Too much sh*t.
It all come down to the lie and the truth.
Just got to deal with it.
Them m*therf*ckers don't want to tell us
the truth about sh*t.
Nothing.
You notice they don't even talk
about the w*r on dr*gs no more?
You think that's because
there ain't no more w*r?
Or there ain't no more dr*gs?
They don't tell us sh*t!
They don't talk about dr*gs no more.
'Cause for the first time in history...
Black people...
ain't making none of the dr*gs.
Look at white people. "What?"
[audience laughs]
Yep.
Yep. I know, white people.
You finding what I'm saying
hard to believe.
I'ma tell you a statistic that's
gonna blow your f*cking mind.
There are zero n*gg*s
making Fentanyl.
Look at white people. "What?"
Yep.
You better believe it, white people.
We would notice if n*gg*s
was dropping dead for nothing.
I looked up Fentanyl.
That sh*t is beyond dangerous.
I said, "What you got to do to die?"
They said, "Touch it."
That's when I knew,
n*gg*s ain't involved in this.
We like to touch everything we buy.
We would notice n*gg*s dying
at the purchase.
[audience laughs]
His last words were, "This must be it."
Mm-hmm… Yep.
It's a crazy world out there now.
They don't want to talk to you
about dr*gs.
They ain't talking
about the opioid crisis.
And it's f*cking up everybody's community.
Everybody got a favorite pill.
Everybody got a go-to…
for when times get rough.
There's a whole opioid crisis.
They ain't even talkin' about it.
You know why?
'Cause ain't nobody
going the f*ck to jail.
Ain't no houses getting raided.
Ain't nobody being looked into.
You know why?
Because the dealer is your doctor.
Look at n*gg*s. "Dr. Fauci?"
That is not your doctor, n*gg*s.
Stop putting him
on your insurance paperwork now.
"He's the only one I trust."
They don't tell us sh*t.
If they really want to lie to us,
they don't tell us
nothing about it at all.
You notice they don't ever f*cking tell
you where methamphetamines come from?
They act like that sh*t come
from a trailer park.
That's one of the strongest dr*gs
known to man.
[woman] Amen.
There ain't no other drug
make your teeth itch.
Like bitch, I don't even think teeth itch.
You're just scratching the sh*t
out of your mouth.
They don't want you to know sh*t
about m*therf*cking meth.
Guess who the f*ck discovered that sh*t
and was the first to distribute
and manufacture it?
Somebody we all m*therf*cking know, too.
Adolf h*tler.
[audience laughs, yells]
What?
How the f*ck did they leave that
out of the book?
They told us the Nazis
was the scariest m*llitary in the world.
But they never told us why.
They was not just making the meth,
they rationing it to themselves.
Every day.
Putting it in chocolate,
and coffee, and tea.
f*ck with the Nazis if you want to, bitch.
Them m*therf*ckers
is the only m*llitary don't need to eat.
Or sleep.
As long as they got teeth to scratch.
You fighting the Nazis, you look out,
they are 750 miles away.
We'll see them b*tches in three days.
And you go to sleep.
When you wake up,
them b*tches is in front of the house
on the Ring cam.
[audience laughs, applauds]
They don't tell us sh*t.
They lie to all of us.
They lie to us
'cause sometimes the truth is ugly.
[woman] Yes!
Sometimes the truth… is painful.
But if you love the truth,
it's the m*therf*cking truth.
But we all get lied to.
Look at the Christians, "Not us."
Yep. Y'all too.
Used to be you could count on
the Christians
to holler out a warning to your ass
from time to time
that you ain't even ask for.
They'll just throw it out there.
"It's the last days!"
Now, the Christians don't say nothing.
Now that there's real plagues outside.
The Christians going to church
on Sunday like Joe Biden.
But the truth is, all of us get lied to.
Even the Christians.
They'll lie to any of us.
'Cause they just don't
want you to know the f*cking truth
'cause you might feel good
about yourself.
It's only that,
or they don't want to tell you
'cause they know it'll f*ck you up.
But it's the truth though.
They made that whole Garden of Eden up.
Putting slander on our Lord.
Talking about an apple tree.
Oh, and they ate the apple.
Hey, bitch, my God don't f*ck
with fruit like that.
What the f*ck?
You act like God will put
our whole life on the line
over a piece of fruit, bitch?
If God didn't want you to eat the fruit,
he wouldn't have made the fruit.
They just covering up a lie.
'Cause the truth too painful.
Ain't no m*therf*cking apple tree, bitch.
You are the tree. This is the tree.
You the tree, bitch. You are the tree.
All right? So if you the tree,
then what the f*ck… is the fruit?
This is the fruit.
If this is the tree...
this is the fruit.
The message was...
don't touch the fruit.
They lied to the Christians, too.
Made up a bunch of religious stories
'cause they didn't want you
to know the truth,
'cause the truth is painful.
The truth is, your mama's a ho.
[audience laughs]
Look at the Christians,
"That's far enough, Katt."
Yep.
That's the story of Genesis.
Your mama's a ho.
Look at you. Still don't even
want to believe me? "No!"
Yep. You're talking about the lady that...
f*cked the man and the snake
in front of God!
This bitch was for the streets...
with streets!
[audience whistles, laughs]
But you believe the world is f*cked up
'cause of fruit.
No, it ain't that.
Adam was God's son.
So who the f*ck was Eve?
That wasn't his m*therf*cking wife.
That wasn't his girlfriend.
That was God's daughter, bitch.
The f*ck?
That's incest, bitch.
That sh*t cannot be fixed.
That's why they ratchet ass
got thrown out the garden.
There they got 'em as relationship goals.
They're saying they lie to all of us.
Don't want to tell us
nothing about nothing.
We done been to 300 planets in space.
Three hundred!
Earth, moon,
plus 300!
We done been there.
Now, you notice they ain't never
bringing back no souvenirs?
There's some sh*t
they don't want you to know.
Down here on this planet,
we know all about evolution.
Don't we know evolution?
We know exactly how it work.
We know life will find a way.
It'll start out small.
And then, it just gets better,
and better, and better, and better.
That's evolution.
We done been to 300
m*therf*cking planets now.
And guess what?
It ain't no evolution...
[audience laughs]
...on not nair-one
of them g*dd*mn planets!
Not none. Not even a little,
teeny, "nichey" bit.
Just rocks and dirt.
Uh-huh. Every single planet.
Uh-huh. 'Cause they found out the two most
valuable things in the universe.
Other than God, it ain't but two things
valuable in the universe.
Water.
And p*ssy.
[audience whoops]
Look at the ladies,
"I'm sitting on one of them."
Look at the Vegas professionals,
"I'm sitting on both of them."
Yeah. They don't want to tell you
that sh*t.
Nothing else in the world means sh*t.
Other than God, it's just water and p*ssy.
Why? 'Cause science ain't make them.
God made them.
You know how you know God made water
and not science?
Water is the only thing in the universe
you know the recipe...
and you can't make none.
[taps on microphone]
"Say it one more time, Katt,
for the people in the back."
[audience cheers]
Uh-huh.
Anything else, you want to make it,
you just need the recipe.
Soon as you get it,
you can make you some.
Not this, though.
God made this.
And we all know the recipe,
H to the 2 to the O.
-[woman] Hey!
-[audience laughs]
If you put an H and an O together
by yourself,
you'll just have a ho.
Now, you can lead a ho to water,
but she ain't going to make none.
Yep.
I don't give a f*ck how good
at science you are.
You can't take hydrogen,
and put that with oxygen,
and come up with no type of water.
Not tap water. Not rainwater.
Not Flint water. Nothing.
That's 'cause God made it.
It can do five or six things by itself.
It can be ice. You can swim in it.
Relax in it. Bathe in it.
Swim in it. Drown in it. Die in it.
Just like p*ssy.
That's why they both on the list.
[audience cheers]
Water and p*ssy.
-"Why are you saying p*ssy, Katt?"
-[woman] Why?
'Cause it's…
the second greatest thing
in the entire universe.
It's something that exists
that mathematically should not exist!
The p*ssy is a fax machine
before machines.
[audiences whoops]
You f*ck me, I make a copy of you, n*gga.
[audience laughs, claps]
And understand...
women don't have magical,
supernatural powers of regrowth.
If a woman cuts off her fingertip,
she can't grow it back.
But she can grow a whole life...
in her side job.
And still deliver a delicious mango
for you to eat later.
Shouldn't exist.
[rolls tongue] But it does.
They don't want to tell you that,
'cause you'd value it.
I heard y'all men
under the sound of my voice.
If you don't have a p*ssy, get you one.
They are a valued commodity
in the universe.
Look at some of the fellas, "I have two."
Later, they'll call it investing.
They don't tell us sh*t.
They don't want you to know
you a superhero.
Every last person
in here is a m*therf*cking superhero.
I know it don't feel like it tonight.
Two hundred m*therf*cking years from now,
they going to be writing books
about all of y'all.
The m*therf*cking group of m*therf*ckers
that did sh*t that cannot be done.
These m*therf*ckers fought an opp
that cannot be fought.
These m*therf*ckers' opp was air.
They could die at any breath.
They're going to be talking about y'all,
real superheroes,
and it's that time
you can change your whole life
if you don't like your life.
You ain't never got to commit su1c1de.
You can just change, bitch.
Ladies, if you don't like
the way you look,
for $22,000 you can change that sh*t.
You can go to the Dominican Republic
and come back,
and nobody in your family
will recognize you, bitch.
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
You just got to understand,
it's science,
and it's God. Just don't ignore God.
[audience whoops]
Don't overdo it.
God knows what's best for you.
You don't know your spine is built
to take 90 pounds, ladies.
Some of your spines say 90 pounds
at the bottom.
God wrote, right there, 90 pounds.
You done went to the Dominican Republic,
and got 72 pounds of titties,
and put it on that same stock frame.
When you turn 55, bitch,
you are going to fold up like a fan
at the nursing home.
But you can be a superhero.
Fellas, they got a trap out there
for us, too.
Sometimes, Satan sounds
just like the Lord.
If you five-foot,
Satan set a trap out there.
They got a surgery, five-foot men,
they got a surgery.
Only take one night.
It give you six inches of height
overnight!
-Look at the short n*gg*s, "What?"
-[audience cheers]
That's right.
Walk in that bitch 5'5", come out 6'1".
I was tempted.
[audience applauds]
You know how much
m*therf*cking money I got, bitch?
I could be 7'3" right now.
I'm talking to you n*gg*s
like it's regular.
I'm on my fourth procedure.
But you got to trust God.
Can't trust them science for everything.
Yeah. Yeah.
As a fella, you going to look good,
leaning on your car for six feet
for the first time.
But eventually, some n*gga's going
to ask you to do some n*gga sh*t.
And you are not going to be able
to do that sh*t with your scientific legs.
So, this one n*gga wanted to play
basketball, hit you with the...
Their whole body
going to break down, n*gga.
n*gga, you know these are my new legs.
I got these this weekend.
You n*gg*s know I ain't took these
to the gym or nothing, n*gga.
Got two calves on each leg.
[audience cheer]
Nobody can b*at what God make.
That's what makes p*ssy so delicious.
Over the pandemic
I was able to explore pussies
I had never even...
I'd never even tried before.
Different flavors, and...
varieties. Mm, mm… All delicious.
I learned some sh*t.
I learned I don't even have no preference.
I just got two that I prefer...
over the rest.
[audience laughs]
But any 'gina is a good 'gina.
Fellas, think about the worst piece
of p*ssy you ever come across.
That vag*na was worth four penises.
Treasure your vaginas.
They're collectibles.
It's true!
My favorite type of all of them
is, uh, the creamer.
Ladies, don't do that.
Look at the creamers.
[audience laughs]
Ain't nothing like the creamer.
Whoo!
Ladies, science has just found out
that scientifically,
for every one drop of cream
your vag*na produces,
that is worth 32 extra strokes...
[chuckles]
…from your man at any time.
As a man, we can be just ready to quit,
we just in the middle of the dismount.
All right. That's about it.
If you see one little piece of cream,
it's a whole new game now!
Now, m*therf*ckers
wanna be magicians now.
There's the cream. Where's the cream?
There's the cream. Where's the cream?
There's the cream.
Cream on a n*gga, then. Cream on a n*gga.
[audience laughs]
Any cream.
Ladies, when science finds out
what food...
makes vag*na creamy...
that sh*t ain't going to stay
on the shelf.
It's going to be gone!
Look at the women
with the dry coochies trying to look at me
like they know what I'm talking about.
"Cream seems unsanitary."
Whoo!
Ain't nothing f*cking
with that creamy, now.
Only thing better than the creamy...
is the squirter.
Ladies, don't do that sh*t.
[audience whistling]
No. Statistically, 65% of all men
have heard of a squirter.
But they ain't never been squirted upon.
So you ladies make that noise,
there goes men of all races doing...
'Cause if you come to Vegas
and get a squirter,
n*gga, that's like winning the jackpot.
Nothing is better than a squirter.
Now, understand...
as males, we never understood
the squirt, anyway.
We always wondered why she wouldn't
let us know…
beforehand...
that she's planning on squirting.
Fellas, scientifically...
I found out, women don't even know
when they finna squirt.
[audience laughs]
So now, it makes sense
that they always look surprised
when we look surprised.
We always looking like, "Hey!"
And they looking like,
"I cannot believe this.
Well, I didn't think
I was this comfortable,
but clearly, you're doing
something right."
Ladies, if you could turn your head
like an owl...
and look at your man back there
being squirted on,
you would find out...
that this is the greatest thing
that can happen with a man and his penis.
This is the standing ovation
of the vag*na world.
If you could just turn around
and see your man,
he is back there looking like
a seven-year-old in a sprinkler system.
He is happier than he has ever been
back there.
[audience laughs]
Got to love a squirter.
You got to love it.
But now... everything God make...
you can't overdo it.
God made sugar.
You eat too much sugar, you'll die.
God made salt.
You can love salt all you want to.
If you eat too much, you'll die.
God put something in all the sh*t,
even with squirt.
If you had to go on a 100-city tour
and experiment,
and you happen to run across
hypothetically...
you'd find out something...
very interesting.
You'd find out for every drop of squirt,
[vocalizing] there is a small,
"teenity"...
itty-bitty...
teeny-weeny percentage of pee…
in all squirts. Not a lot of pee.
Eleven percent. Not a lot of pee.
Not a lot of pee.
Just enough pee
for you to smell it one time...
in the morning,
and then, never smell it again.
-Just...
-[audience cheers]
It's true.
All women are great women.
Get yourself one.
The pandemic taught me
there ain't no wrong one.
All women is the right one.
Get yourself one.
Get yourself a big girl,
if you got a choice.
You need a big girl.
I was in the pandemic.
I tried. I saw. I conquered.
-I felt it. I know.
-[audience cheers]
If you want to go through a pandemic,
get you a big woman.
It'll be the easiest pandemic you ever--
You can trust a big woman.
You don't even know,
you don't even know you hungry,
and she already cooking.
Your stomach look at her first,
"I think she got it."
[audience laughs]
A big woman is perfect in the pandemic.
She do everything right.
If it's cold,
she'll heat up the whole room...
cracking her legs one time.
If it's too hot,
she won't even touch you skin to skin,
she don't want it to stick.
Fellas, you get with a big girl,
you'll feel your body do some sh*t
you ain't never felt your body do,
and your body
ain't never been trained to do.
All you need to do is get a big enough
girl and you will feel your body nestle.
Look at n*gg*s, "What?"
If you ever roll over on a woman
bigger than you, you just...
-[clears throat]
-[audience laughs]
It's the safest sleep you ever going
to have, nestled up there.
I'm trying to tell you now.
Yes.
All the women is excited.
I got me a short girl.
I've never had a short girl before,
'cause I'm short.
What the f*ck would I be doing
with somebody short?
But I was missing out.
I didn't know they was that much fun.
I f*cked a short girl in the car.
This bitch was in every chair in the car,
and me and my d*ck never moved.
She was just 'bout that life!
I like a giant girl.
No disrespect to the tall girls.
I don't mean 5'9", 5'12", none of that.
I'm talking about 6'4", 6'5", up.
I'm talking about a giant woman.
How big you want 'em, Katt? "Giant."
I want her so big if she cooking breakfast
in the kitchen...
in one of them summer dresses,
I want to be able to slide up right
between the vag*na
without breaking a stride.
Grab that clitoris like a red-nose pit.
-[growls]
-[audience laughs]
I like a woman so big
you got to f*ck her in two rooms.
That's why you got one of them WNBA girls.
You f*ck her in two rooms.
I'm in the bedroom locked in for damage.
[audience laughs]
Every 150 strokes I go check on her
in the living room.
"How's that working out for you, baby?
Is that doing anything? How am I doing?
Oh, I'm k*lling it?
I'm going to take it to the bridge, then.
I'm going to take it to the bridge!
Just saying, I like...
I like all the girls.
I ain't got no favorites.
But I'll say this,
there's some women
don't get their flowers at all.
There's a group of women
around the whole world
that nobody ever talks about.
And they keep everything going.
And they'll never get no credit.
We going to talk about them,
and give them their credit tonight.
Where's all the fellas in here
with an ugly woman? Make some noise.
[audience groans, laughs]
Some people saw their whole marriage
go before their eyes.
Katt, I trusted you!
Look...
[chuckles] Everybody in here
with somebody ugly know better.
They just staring at me like this.
[audience laughs]
No.
You supposed to want what you need.
You supposed to want what you need.
When you was in the bathroom,
crying to the Lord...
you said, "Send me the bitch I need!"
That is the bitch you need.
Yeah.
Yeah. Stop judging people
by the outside only.
f*ck you mean?
The ugliest people be pretty.
They still ugly.
Every man in here with an ugly woman
knows something the world don't know.
She might be ugly to you...
She ain't ugly to me.
I ain't going to tell you why.
But sometimes you need an ugly woman.
An ugly woman will save
your m*therf*cking life.
You can be famous being ugly.
All of us know the story
of Harriet Tubman.
They don't tell us but two things
about Harriet.
They tell us that she freed the slaves...
-and...
-[audience] And…
…she was ugly.
Give a f*ck.
It's the truth!
It's what the f*ck they say.
She freed the slaves.
And... she was ugly.
It's a m*therf*cking lie.
Harriet... was m*therf*cking beautiful.
sl*very was the ugly bitch.
[audience applauds]
One more time for the people
in the back, Katt. I said...
-Harriet was beautiful.
-[audience cheers]
sl*very was ugly.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And to free the slaves...
Harriet needed to be ugly.
'Cause the enemy was ugly.
Harriet wasn't the only woman
out there freeing slaves.
There was another woman
out there freeing slaves.
Her name was Beulah.
She was beautiful.
Looked like Tracee Ellis Ross.
Light skin, hair down to her ass,
bubble butt,
smelled like fruit and berries.
Everybody loved her.
Thousands of slaves followed Beulah.
But beautiful couldn't get you away
from being a sl*ve.
You needed ugly.
'Cause your life was on the line, bitch.
This is real sl*very.
You in the real woods.
[trembling voice] This is really midnight.
And if anybody see you...
from an adult to a small child...
your ass is dead, bitch.
And you going through them woods.
You hear them dogs coming from a distance.
[imitates barking]
That's generally when n*gg*s get scared,
start running, and get k*lled.
But you ain't have to be scared
if you was with Harriet.
Them dogs will come. [imitates barking]
And Harriet will get down
eye-to-eye with them dogs.
[audience laughs]
[imitates barking]
Pull a p*stol out of her panties.
You just hear the dogs...
[imitates barking]
A lot of people followed Beulah.
She was beautiful.
But that bitch didn't have the GPS
of a box of rocks.
Three thousand slaves
followed that beautiful bitch,
and wound up on their same master's
plantation at three in the afternoon.
"Damn it, Beulah!"
Just got to thank God for small blessings.
I like all vaginas.
But there's something about a big clit.
Ladies, don't identify yourselves.
I'm saying,
all clitorises are fine, but...
something about that big clit.
Fellas, if you in here...
with Big Clit, I don't mean to be...
[audience laughs]
…disrespectful or nothing.
I'm not going to refer to it
as that anymore. I'm going to say...
say there's a gentleman here
with B.C.
[chuckles]
Now, the fellas in here with Big Clit...
-[man] Can I raise my hand?
-Don't raise your hand, sir.
He said, "Can I raise my hand?"
Fellas, have you ever seen a clitoris
so big it shamed your penis?
You just caught it at the wrong angle.
Looked at that wrong.
Did that bitch have a hook in it?
Some of the fellas are looking at me
because you don't know
if your girl's clitoris is...
big or... too big.
But that ain't true.
'Cause your body will let you know
if the clitoris is too big.
Fellas, you know your relationship
with the vag*na is a dance.
[audience laughs]
You feel your body doing something
that's unnatural.
That's a red flag.
So if you eating the p*ssy,
and you feel yourself doing something
you ain't never done while eating p*ssy...
You feel yourself go...
Abort mission! [imitates alarm]
That's a d*ck-sucking move!
What was that?
If you eating p*ssy,
and you feel yourself go...
Fellas, you ever have to hold the clitoris
with both your fingers?
You catch yourself in the mirror.
I am sucking this bitch's penis.
In conclusion...
[audience laughs]
...there ain't nothing like that big clit,
'cause that...
-[woman] Shut up!
-I won't shut up.
You hear how that big clit just talk?
Shut up!
It'll be all right
for us, fellas, when it first start.
But when it don't stop growing,
we don't know what to do. So...
[chuckles]
You be thinking the clitoris
at its regular size...
and you'll be licking,
and that m*therf*cker swell up
in your mouth...
Fellas, if you've ever licked up
under your woman's clitoris, it means.
Thank y'all so much, Vegas.
Have a good night, and God bless y'all.
I appreciate you.
-[audience cheering]
-[rap music playing]
Katt Williams: World w*r III (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3