(THUNDERCLAP)
SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago,
in a castle laboratory,
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
sort of like Frankenstein's, you know,
science turned abomination,
a mad doctor's dream
to create a human being
from the body parts of other human beings.
A bit pointless, really.
He wanted to create
the world's finest comedian.
Popular, clever, funny.
So a male comedian, obviously.
Got a penis and everything.
A little bit smaller
than he would have wanted.
But, you know, it's fine. It's average.
He's a little bit fat,
but fat is funny. Average penis.
Little bit chunky, but...
So, please welcome to the stage...
(BABA O'RILEY PLAYING)
...creator of The Office, Extras, FIanimaIs,
record-breaking stand-up,
winner of three Golden Globes,
two Primetime Emmys,
and seven BAFTAs,
a man with an average-sized penis -
it's fine, honestly -
the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BABA O'RILEY CONTINUING)
Thank you. HeIIo. HeIIo. Wow!
Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you.
Wow. Thank you so much.
I shouId expIain something straight away.
UsuaIIy, when I come out on stage,
it's amazing.
I'm doing cartwheeIs, I'm doing back fIips.
It's f*cking spectacuIar.
But I've hurt my back.
That's true. That is true.
I've puIIed a muscIe in my spine pIaying goIf.
I know what you're thinking.
Serves me right for pIaying
such a stupid game as goIf, but...
No, I've been in agony.
I'm on painkiIIers right now.
So if I suddenIy start taIking
Iike Kerry Katona, you'II know why.
''I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.''
Mother of the Year, one year.
When the doctor gave me the painkiIIers -
this is true -
he said, ''Now, you can't
drink aIcohoI with these,''
and I went, ''I don't want them, then,''
and he went, ''What?''
I said, ''Give me some
you can drink aIcohoI with.''
And he went, ''WeII, you're not meant
to drink with any painkiIIers.''
''Who are you? My f*cking mother?
Just give me them.''
So, yeah, I've been waIking round
Iike the EIephant Man.
But without the big cock, obviousIy.
I assume he had a big eIephant's cock
to go with the head.
Then it wouId baIance things out.
'Cause then he'd Iook in the mirror
and he'd go, (SAD VOICE) ''Oh, no.''
What... f*cking Zippy.
What the f*ck was that?
No, shut up.
Then he'd sort of go,
''Oh, no, oh, Iook at that head.''
''HoId on, though,
what's going on down here?''
''Swings and roundabouts!''
''Let's ceIebrate! The buns are on me.'' Um...
So, yeah, that's my probIems.
I didn't canceI, though.
Don't you hate that, when an artist canceIs?
You turn up, you go,
''Concert canceIIed due to sore throat.''
Or, ''I couIdn't go on. I was depressed.'' Aw!
Can you imagine a Iabourer trying that?
Going, ''Oh, I got a IittIe tickIe. I'm fed up.''
''Aw. Move the f*cking bricks, mate.''
One artist has had a good excuse to canceI
a concert in recent years,
and that's MichaeI Jackson.
Everyone eIse is a f*cking maIingerer.
Never canceI.
I had a gig in DubIin coupIe of months back.
O2 Arena, DubIin. 10,000 seats.
SoId out way in advance.
Getting towards the gig.
Looking forward to it.
A few days before,
aII the pIanes start being grounded
'cause of this voIcanic ash cIoud.
A voIcano goes off in IceIand
and we can't get on a pIane.
What's the point of f*cking IceIand? ReaIIy.
I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it.
It's no good. It's not doing...
Just fiII in the f*cking voIcanoes
with concrete.
In fact, tarmac the whoIe country,
and make it a car park for reaI Europe.
Waste of space!
So, yeah, um, and...
Sort of Iike pop stars not coming to EngIand.
We're canceIIing. They couIdn't get on...
And I was thinking, ''I can't canceI.
I can't canceI, I've got to get there.''
So I hired a heIicopter to and from DubIin.
Cost me $1 2,000.
Just 'cause I couIdn't bear
to Iet anyone down.
Or take the ferry.
Yeah, they were stiII running fine. Sure.
I think there were extra ones
they put on, but...
That wouId have meant mixing
with the generaI pubIic.
This is about as cIose
as I ever want to be to...
to - no offence - scum. No.
I don't know if anyone was affected
by the voIcanic ash cIoud,
but I had friends aII round the worId
that couIdn't get back.
They missed weddings, and funeraIs,
and they had to put themseIves up
in hoteIs they hadn't budgeted for
for weeks on end,
and they couIdn't get their money back
'cause the airIines were saying,
''No, we can't pay you, 'cause the insurance
companies won't pay us,
'''cause they're saying it's an act of God.''
What? What isn't an act of God?
If you beIieve in God, that's sort of
a definition of him, isn't it?
That he does everything. He's...
He's aII-powerfuI and he's everywhere.
He invented everything. He was...
Before he was around, there was nothing.
He invented time, space, everything, okay?
So he's across it aII.
Nothing happens by mistake.
He's not absent-minded.
A voIcano going off is not him going,
''Oh, f*ck, I Ieft the oven on!'' That...
And who are these insurance companies
that know what is and isn't an act of God?
How do they decide?
Have they got a hotIine to God?
They caII God up, do they? And go...
Ring, ring. ''HeIIo?''
''Y'eIIo.''
''Um, couId I speak to God, pIease?''
''Speaking.''
''Oh! I didn't think you'd answer
the phone yourseIf.''
''What do you want?''
''Um, sorry, that voIcanic ash cIoud,
was that you?''
''Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That was an act of me, aII right.''
(GIGGLING)
''So I shouIdn't pay out?''
''Don't f*cking pay 'em a penny, son, no.''
''Oh, cheers.
''WhiIe I've got you here, did you make
a tree faII on Steve Baxter's car?''
''A Iot of Steve Baxters.''
''Um, 2 Acacia Road, HounsIow.
''It happened on the third of June, 2:15.''
''Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn't me.
''I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.''
(CROWD MOANING)
He does everything.
Anyway, I'm so gIad I didn't canceI.
It's fantastic to be here,
seeing aII you happy, smiIey faces.
ProbabIy...
(PEOPLE HOOTING)
Yes, thank you.
You're... You're probabIy feeIing
very fortunate
that you managed to get a ticket
to see a Iiving Iegend. Or am I...
I'm not being funny, but you Iucky c**ts!
Yes, you are!
I'm joking, of course. The pIeasure is aII
mine. Thank you so much for coming out,
spending your hard-earned cash.
I know there's been a recession on.
Someone toId me.
Is it stiII going? It reaIIy didn't affect me.
(LAUGHING)
Just being honest. Just being honest. Um...
We can Iaugh about it now, come on.
I don't understand the recession.
It wasn't tiII Iast year I found out
that you couId go into your bank
and say, ''Can I withdraw my cash?''
and they couId go, ''No, we ain't got it.''
''Sorry?'' ''We... No.''
''I've got $50,000 saved.''
''Ha! You ain't.''
''WeII, where is it?'' ''Dunno.''
''WeII, have you checked the vauIt?''
''It's empty.''
''What was the point of that?
''You might as weII have kept it in a drawer,
you spotty IittIe twat.''
I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearIy
the end of the UK Ieg of the tour,
then I'm off to America, to finish that off,
and then I'm doing the rest of the worId.
It's going to be the first worId comedy tour.
And then I'm going to enter
Britain's Got Talent.
'Cause, whoa, that's when the career reaIIy...
(MIMICKING AIRPLANE TAKING OFF)
Look at Susan BoyIe. If you can.
f*cking heII!
Jesus Christ. Oh!
Shocking. Be fair, though.
'Cause usuaIIy, in the music industry,
it's aII about image, isn't it?
You can't just have a great voice
and a great taIent,
you've got to be young and thin,
and trendy and pretty,
and she's turned aII that on its head.
AIthough I think it's the same
powers of image,
just working in reverse with her,
'cause I don't think she has got
a great voice, actuaIIy.
I think she's fooIed a Iot of peopIe.
It's sort of Iike mock opera
for peopIe who don't know any better.
But I don't think
she'd be where she was today
if it wasn't for the fact
that she Iooked Iike such a f*cking mong.
''He said 'mong'.''
Yeah, he did.
Yeah.
''You can't say 'mong'.''
You can. It's f*cking easy.
It's one of the easiest words to say.
It's Iike, ''mong''.
And it's, Iike, you just need Iips.
(STAMMERING)
Even mongs can say it.
That's part of the beauty of the word.
They don't consider it a perk, I'm sure. But...
''Why does he get away with it
and no one eIse can?
''Ban him from the teIIy.'' Good Iuck.
(CLEARING THROAT)
And even if they do ban me from the teIIy,
I'II just go around and shout ''mong''
through their window.
I care about it that much.
It's just words, and there is no better word
to describe Susan BoyIe.
When... When she first came
on the teIIy, right?
When she first came on the teIIy,
I went, ''Is that a mong?''
You aII did! You aII did!
And you're meant to.
Like the judges hadn't pIanned that.
Didn't they! They knew it in rehearsaI.
They knew that was going to happen.
They knew the headIine was going to be,
''Oh! Voice of an angeI, face of a mong.''
And they...
They were right.
And we aII feII for it, you know? And it...
I don't mean she has Down's syndrome,
by the way.
No. No, that wouId be offensive.
That word doesn't mean that any more.
It's far removed from that.
We don't use that word
to describe that condition.
''What about the derivation?''
Never mind the derivation.
Words change.
When I came out here tonight,
I caIIed you aII ''c**ts'', remember?
That used to be an insuIt,
but now it's a term of endearment. So...
Words change. Okay.
Let's get on with it.
No one wants to be here aII night.
Now, Iisten.
(LAUGHING)
You can have too much of a good thing.
Like heroin. What? Um...
AIthough, too much heroin
is death, basicaIIy.
''What's up with him?'' ''Too much.''
''Was it good?''
''Yeah, it was IoveIy, but just too much.''
That's the thing, kids.
Try anything once, sure.
Try... But know this about heroin.
You go, ''Oh, go on, I'II have one.
''I'II have one heroin. Go on. That's right.
Oh, I'II just have the one.
''Oh, that's just what I thought.
''Oh, it's f*cking IoveIy, that.
Give us... I can't just have one.
''They're Iike HobNobs.''
Or seriaI kiIIing. That is...
That's surprisingIy moreish.
You think, ''I'II just do one heinous crime.
''I Iove aII that. I Iove aII that.
I'II just go out...''
You go out, tooIed up,
and you chop someone up...
And don't just kiII 'em.
If you're a seriaI kiIIer,
kiII 'em, f*ck 'em, eat 'em, right?
In that order. At Ieast have a thing.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't want to see you on teIIy in 10 years'
time going, ''Oh, why did you do it?''
''Oh, Ricky Gervais toId me to try heroin
and be a seriaI kiIIer.''
''Oh, what did you do?'' ''I just kiIIed him.''
''What, you didn't f*ck him and eat him?''
''No.''
''Get out of my f*cking courtroom.'' So...
And you go, ''WeII, I've done that.''
Get rid of aII the body parts.
WeII, not aII of them. Keep a bit for Iater.
What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ.
Oh, maybe you shouIdn't mix
aIcohoI with painkiIIers.
Right? It just seemed Iike a waste, right?
And...
You get home and you go,
''Right, I've done that.
''I never have to do that again.''
Before you know it you're back down B&Q
with a brand-new cIaw hammer
going, ''Oh, f*ck me.
''Here we go again.'' So just be warned.
Okay, Iet's get on with it.
The show is quite Iong,
but not as Iong as when I saw Ken Dodd
at the open-air theatre in Regent's Park,
and I Ieft after two and a haIf hours,
during the intervaI, okay?
He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then.
Five hours of stand-up comedy.
I can't even f*cking stand up
for five hours these days.
And he bounced out.
I mean, I went aIong somewhat ironicaIIy,
but he is a Iegend.
We got there,
and I went aIong with a girIfriend, and I was...
We were the youngest
by about 30 years, I think.
Everyone eIse was, Iike, in their 70s,
and they must foIIow Doddy around,
and they knew they were in it
for the Iong hauI.
They'd come in cagouIes
and pack Iunches, right?
And I don't know if you've been to
the open-air theatre in Regent's Park,
but it's Iike this, but without a roof,
obviousIy.
It's got a stage show, and Iights
and it's got fixed seating, okay?
It's sort of Iike amphitheatre seating
aII the way round the outside,
and there's nothing in the middIe.
They just Ieft that wiId. You can't sit there.
It's just Iike a... I want to say grassy knoII,
but I'm not sure I know what a ''knoII'' is.
I've onIy ever heard that when peopIe
are taIking about the Kennedy assassination.
I assume it's a hiIIock,
but I didn't want to say ''hiIIock''
when a president's had his brain sh*t out
'cause it's vagueIy comicaI, isn't it?
You go, ''The president's been sh*t!''
''Oh, from where?''
''A hiIIock.'' ''A what?''
So they say ''knoII''.
And they go, ''Oh!'' So you go, ''Oh, no,
who sh*t him, and what the f*ck's a knoII?''
It adds to the mystery.
Anyway. So...
I Iook down, and I reaIise that one person -
I use the term IooseIy -
had sort of sat there, okay,
and the security had Iet her
and peopIe were ignoring her.
I thought, ''Oh...''
Anyway, she was a bit...
And, oh, my God, she was...
I'm trying to be poIiticaIIy correct tonight.
I'm trying to avoid the phrase
''fat mentaI bird'', but...
That's what she was.
Why do peopIe use euphemisms Iike that?
They go Iike that. Like they're trying to...
But you've said it.
We know what you were...
You've said ''mentaI''. In fact, you've said it
so more peopIe can understand.
The deaf and foreigners can understand
what you're saying now.
And they don't want to say ''fat'' any more.
They use euphemisms for fat.
They don't want to say ''fat''
'cause they think it's a derogatory term.
It's not. It's descriptive, okay?
They say things Iike,
''Oh, you know Brenda?'' ''No.''
''Oh, you know Brenda. F... Big girI.''
''What, seven-foot?'' ''No, not taII, but... Big.''
''What does she Iook Iike?'' ''Oh!
''You know, she's cIammy, even in winter.''
Just say ''fat''.
''You know Brenda. She's out of breath
just standing up at her desk.''
I've been accused in the past
of having a go at fat peopIe.
I've never had a go at fat peopIe.
I've onIy ever pointed out the scientific fact
that you get fat, you put on weight,
you put on a sub-cuticIe Iayer of fat
if you take in more caIories than you burn off.
That's indisputabIe, okay?
I don't judge them
in any other aspect of their Iife,
but they got fat 'cause they took on
more caIories than they b*rned off, okay?
And they knew that is what was happening.
No one ever got fat behind their own back.
No one ever went,
''Huh? What the f*ck's that?''
No one's creeping in
to thin peopIe's apartments
and injecting their Iettuce
with a miIIion caIories, okay?
So, they're doing it.
They're doing it with their own free wiII,
and they know that's
what's making them fat, okay?
You see a fat person
surrounded by puddings, right?
You go up to him, you go,
''Frank, you know what's making you fat?''
He doesn't go, ''Is it aII the running?''
He knows it's...
So aII I'm saying is
you get fat if you eat too much
and you know that's what's happening.
But I don't judge them in any other aspect
of their Iife.
I don't make vaIue judgements
on any other corridors of their existence.
If I see a fat person, I don't go,
''Oh, he's fat, therefore he's probabIy joIIy.''
A Iot of them are miserabIe.
If I see a fat girI, I don't go,
''Oh, she'd be pretty if she Iost weight.''
That's rareIy the case. So don't...
A Iot of them started eating
'cause they had f*ck-aII to Iose, if I'm being...
I don't want any fat peopIe to feeI
uncomfortabIe at one of my gigs,
so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um...
I'm joking. I'm joking.
I haven't got a probIem with fat peopIe.
I haven't...
In fact, I feeI sorry for them.
No, even though it is their own fauIt -
and it is their own fauIt -
I feeI sorry for them.
ParticuIarIy women,
because I think fat is a feminist issue.
Men get fat and we go,
''f*ck it, aII bought and paid for,'' right?
We don't come under the same scrutiny
of society as women,
'cause they're inundated
with how they shouId Iook.
There's size-zero modeIs
and magazines with, ''Look Iike this.''
And this diet, that diet, keep your man,
and I think they make such an effort.
You see fat girIs, they make an effort.
They've aIways got IoveIy hair.
Aren't they?
They're aIways having their hair done.
Eh? They aIways...
They've aIways got IoveIy hair
and IoveIy Iong naiIs.
They make an effort.
Anything but jogging. AII right?
They Iove high heeIs, don't they?
Fat girIs, they Iove high heeIs.
They think it makes their Iegs Iook Iess...
It doesn't. They're... It...
You can just hear them coming now.
Not on the Iino! Up and down the Iawn,
it's good for it. Go on! Out you go.
But I'm not having a go. Um...
I was Iistening to Radio 4 the other day
and there was a discussion
about poIiticaI correctness.
My name came up straight away,
as aIways, okay?
And this woman was going, ''WeII, yeah,
it's not right, you know, it's not cIever.
''He makes fun of fat peopIe. He makes jokes
about fat peopIe, and it's not right.
''I mean, he wouIdn't make jokes
about gay peopIe, wouId he?
''And being fat is Iike being gay.''
What? No...
No, it's not.
You can't choose your sexuaIity.
We've estabIished you choose to be fat
by eating, okay?
But with your sexuaIity, you're born,
you grow up, you discover
you Iike same-sex reIationships,
you move to Brighton, and...
And that's it. You're gay.
With being fat, you have to work...
For being fat to be the same as being gay,
you'd have to be born straight,
grow up knowing you're straight,
but graduaIIy and consciousIy
wean yourseIf onto cock.
Do you know what...
It doesn't happen.
''Happy 16th birthday, son.''
''This is RauI. Right?
''Suck his cock.''
''Uh, I'm heterosexuaI, Father.''
''Oh, these new-fangIed words.
''Suck his cock. Come on.''
''I... I... I don't Iike cock.'' ''Doesn't Iike cock!
''How do you know if you never tried it?''
''WeII...'' ''Ah!
''Suck his cock, come on.''
(IN FALSETTO) ''Oh, suck RauI's cock for
your father. He's paid for it. Go on, suck...''
''I don't Iike...''
''Just try it, just suck a IittIe bit of cock.
''Just try...'' ''Ugh.''
''He's bIoody pIaying with his cock.
Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.''
(GAGGING)
''Oh, don't 'ugh.' Come on.
Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.''
-''Oh.''
-''It's not so bad, is it?''
''Ugh... Oh...
''I f*cking Iove these.''
When that happens,
being fat wiII be Iike being gay.
UntiI then, it ain't.
I was on a pIane,
going from New York to LA this year.
And they've got proper fat peopIe
in America.
Oh, reaIIy. They put ours to shame, reaIIy.
You see one and you think,
''Oh, yes, a fat person. I've seen that.
''We've got them in EngIand.
Yeah, big fat face. Big...
''What the f*ck are they?''
It's Iike they've gone, ''I've got as fat as
I possibIy can, we need to get an extension.
''We need to...'' What the f*ck?
Some of them have got sheIves.
ActuaIIy got sheIves. Like...
They keep biscuits on them.
Like, f*cking, ''Ooh...''
''Ooh.''
And me and my girIfriend were
one side of the pIane, okay?
Then there was the aisIe, then this side
were two reaIIy big, fat women, okay?
And one was even fatter
than the other one, right?
In fact, she got on and she went,
just bIase, quite IoudIy, she went,
''Can I have a beIt extension?''
And they went, ''Yeah, sure. Yeah,
course you can. You've earned it.'' Right?
So, proper fat.
In fact, I was thinking of caIIing
the piIot out and going,
''ShouId one of us swap with one of them?
'''Cause otherwise,
we're just going to Canada.'' I mean...
And she was there, okay,
and she'd got on the pIane
with one of those
takeaway buckets of fast food.
Bucket. I mean, there's your first cIue.
When did that happen?
When did fat peopIe just go,
''Oh, f*ck it. Give me...
Treat me Iike a farm animaI. Just...
''In fact, just strap it to my f*cking head.
''Give me it in a bucket. Give it...''
''How wouId you Iike your meaI?''
''In a bucket, pIease.''
''You sure you don't just want a big pIate?''
''I grew out of pIates when I was five,
you c**t. I want it in a bucket.''
f*ck's sake.
And she's there,
and she's chowing down on it,
and she turns to her friend and says,
''This is the best fried chicken
I've had aII day.''
UnbeIievabIe.
But I'm not having a go,
I'm not having a go.
Even though it is their own fauIt -
and it is their own fauIt -
I feeI sorry for them, because...
I found this out, actuaIIy, to be fair...
I don't know if you know this
about fat peopIe,
they f*cking Iove cake.
They Iove it.
You can't Ieave a cake out with a fat person.
You couId've just baked a cake for Iater
and your neighbour, fat neighbour,
couId come round,
she couId stiII be chewing
the Iast of her Iunch,
and she'd come in and she'd see the cake
and she'd just stop Iike that.
And then she'd Iook at you Iike that.
And you'II go,
''Oh, that's for Brian's birthday.
''Do you want a IittIe bit?''
''Yeah, go on, just a IittIe bit. Yeah, just...
''Just a IittIe taste.'' ''There you go.''
''Oh, thank you. Oh, that is IoveIy. Ooh!
''That is beautifuI.''
''Oh, f*ck it.''
But I bIame the food industries, right?
If you go in a supermarket,
it's fuII of that crap.
Everything is hydrogenated fats.
Everything's got thousands of caIories in,
Iike, a portion.
They're injecting caIories with caIories
and deep-frying them
and sprinkIing on f*cking caIories, okay?
And I think that fat peopIe
find that irresistibIe.
They've got no wiIIpower,
so I think we've got to heIp them, okay?
And aIso, have you seen how big
the doors are, to get into a supermarket?
They're... They're quadrupIe.
No one gets too big to get
through the door of a supermarket, okay?
So... And they open automaticaIIy.
So no one's using caIories
by pushing anything, okay?
It's a good job they do open automaticaIIy,
'cause they're usuaIIy gIass
and the fat person's seen the cake from
down there and they're just doing Iike that...
And they're grazing.
They're grazing, Iike that, right?
Keep the door. Keep the big door.
Come on, fat peopIe.
You can aII get in. You can aII get in.
They're coming...
I can hear them, here they come. Right?
And they're in there,
but when they get in there,
it's aII fresh fruit and veg
and whoIegrains, so... Uh?
And they'II be, of course
they'II be fIabbergasted at first.
They won't understand it.
That's not reaI food to them.
They think BrusseIs sprouts is packaging.
They're Iooking...
''Where's the cake? The cake, the cake.''
''Cakes are over there.''
''Ooh, the cakes are over here.''
The cakes are over here,
through a human-sized door. Oh!
And they go, ''Oh, f*cking heII.''
''I can't get in, I can't get the cake.''
They take their heeIs off,
they're trying to hook some cake.
(MOANING)
''Oh, God!'' Like that.
And they don't know what to do,
they're starving,
so they have to go and eat a banana.
(GAGGING9)
(PANTING)
''f*ck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try...''
And they're back and forth
and the fat's faIIing of them, right?
And soon they can sIip through the door
and have a cake,
and then they can't get out again. But...
But I'm saying we've got to do something.
We've got to intervene.
Because we've got to heIp them.
And peopIe say,
''No, no, no, nothing to do with you.
''It's their body, it's their Iife.''
Yeah, but we don't say that about
wearing a crash heImet
or wearing a safety beIt, do we?
Or if you've got a smackhead
in the famiIy, you don't go,
''Oh, it's his body.
He Ioves the oId heroin.'' Right? You...
You go, ''PIease don't die,
pIease stop this sh*t.''
And you grab him and throw him
in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever.
You can't throw a fat person in a cupboard,
you'd do your back in, Iike me,
but I'm saying...
Smackheads don't weigh anything,
you can fIing them around. They're...
In fact, when they're Iying there,
just get the needIe
and just fIick and they just
sort of go in Iike that.
Fat peopIe, you've got to Iure them in.
Just a IittIe traiI of M&M's,
they'II foIIow that anywhere.
See? I do care.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
Mmm.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right.
So...
I'm at Ken Dodd.
There's this big, fat woman sitting there.
And obviousIy, security...
I assume she must foIIow Dodd around,
'cause everyone's turning a bIind eye, right?
Even Dodd. Dodd's ignoring her.
She's 20 yards from him, right?
And she's... Oh, my God...
I've got to use one of his words.
She's bIobuIar, okay?
She's about 45, 50...stone. No.
She's about 20 stone.
And she's sat there, cross-Iegged,
eating a pack Iunch, okay?
She's in this, Iike, big, white,
greying sort of T-shirt.
And... Oh, and wearing Ieggings.
No! Don't wear Ieggings
if you're that shape, okay?
It Iooked Iike someone had painted
the bottom of an egg bIack, right?
And she'd made no effort.
She had Iank, greasy hair
and she'd eaten her naiIs, I think.
I'II teII you what she Iooked Iike.
This might not mean anything to you,
but they're the bane of my Iife,
she Iooked Iike an autograph hunter.
Now, these peopIe are
the epsiIon minors of society.
Even trainspotters Iook down
on autograph hunters.
They've aII got this haircut, right?
Everything is tucked in, Iike that.
They've aIways got, Iike, a satcheI
where they just rip things out
of the Radio Times.
''Sign this, Ricky.'' ''Yeah.'' ''Sign this.''
''Sign this.'' ''That's a piece of toast, mate.''
''What?''
Not one of them's symmetricaI.
I mean, they're a mess.
I don't mean their cIothes,
I mean their f*cking DNA. It's just...
Back to handsome.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY)
I was doing a radio interview
a whiIe back, on CapitaI Radio
in Leicester Square.
And it was Iive, which is aIways a mistake
'cause these IittIe freaks hear you at home.
And nowadays,
because of the phone scandaIs,
if something's pre-recorded,
they have to teII you about it.
So if it reaIIy is Iive, they bang on about it.
And they were going,
''He's actuaIIy here now
''in the heart of London,
it's Ricky Gervais, it's 10:45.''
And they hear you and they go,
''He's there'',
and they come aIong and wait for you.
They know where you are. Like that, right?
And I was coming down the stairs
after the interview,
and the security guard said,
''Oh, there's a few autograph...''
I thought, ''Oh.''
I went out there and there they were,
about 16 of them, Iike that.
I don't know the coIIective noun.
A gaggIe of mongs, right? Yeah.
Right? And the first thing
that hits you is the BO.
It is staggering, okay?
And so I'm... I'm nice to them.
They're strong. And...
f*ck it.
And I'm signing and I'm getting away,
and as I'm going away, right,
I feeI something hit me there,
and I Iook down and it wasn't one of them,
it was this oId Iady that had sort of
wandered over the square.
She was about 60, 65.
ReaIIy sort of grimy, right?
And sort of had a bandana
with sort of tasseIs on it and sort of these,
a robe thing and sort of bangIes,
and she was seIIing
some sort of twig in tinfoiI.
Again, I don't know
the poIiticaIIy correct term.
Is it ''smeIIy traveIIer''?
I think it is, I think it is. Right?
And she went, ''Lucky heather?''
I went, ''No, thanks.''
I wanted to go back and go, ''What? What?''
''Lucky heather? Is it?
''Is it? How Iucky is it?
'''Cause you're covered in the sh*t
and you're begging in Leicester Square, so...''
f*cking maggot, get off me.
I, uh...
Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so...
Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of oId peopIe.
Okay, Ken Dodd:
''Hum, humunctious!'' Right?
Fat, mad woman sat there,
cross-Iegged. ''Ah.''
Every time Dodd goes, ''Hum!'',
she goes, ''Ahhh'', Iike that, right?
I mean, everyone's ignoring her.
She must go to every concert,
obviousIy a bit of a staIker.
Dodd not put off at aII,
just doing his thing. ''Ah, hum!''
''Ahhh!''
Jane's going, ''Don't Iook.''
I'm going, ''You're having a Iaugh, ain't ya?
I can't take my eyes off her.''
Right? I'm Iooking at this,
every time he goes, ''Hum!''
I'm Iooking at him, I'm Iooking at her,
I'm Iooking at him, Iike that.
Back and forth. It's Iike tennis in
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
It was Iike... And...
So she's there, right -
and this is a true story -
after about 20 minutes,
her hand goes down the Ieggings.
Yeah.
(AUDIENCE MOANING)
Yeah. And... Oh! Right?
So everyone just...
I can feeI them aII, I'm going, ''Oh, my God.
''SuddenIy this is interesting again.'' ''Hum!''
Right? So I'm just, Iike... And...
See... No, but she's not doing it discreetIy.
Her IittIe f*cking Iegs are straight out now.
I mean...
Twenty yards in front of Dodd,
trying to teII IittIe jokes about tax evasion:
''It was under the carpet!''
''Hum!'' ''Ahhh.'' Right? And she's...
No, but she's making a noise!
It's not my f*cking... She's making a noise,
she's sort of going...
(MOANING)
Because she was FIipper, right? And...
''What? Timmy's faIIen down a weII?''
(DOLPHIN SQUEALING)
''I think she wants us to foIIow her!''
(DOLPHIN SQUEALING)
So, she's going aII... Right?
She's going away. She finishes.
She goes, ''Ahhh! Ahhh!''
Has another sandwich.
(AUDIENCE GROANING)
Oh!
True story.
I don't know why I toId you,
but it is a true story.
It's out of my head and into yours now.
Oh.
Mmm. Ah.
This show's caIIed Science, by the way.
(LAUGHING)
Wikipedia says that science is,
''The concerted human effort to understand
the physicaI or naturaI worId.
''Science seeks the truth
and it doesn't discriminate.''
So something's either true or it isn't.
It hasn't got a wiII, a hope, okay?
You know, a moraI conscience.
''For better or worse, it finds things out,
''whether that is inventing the atomic b*mb,
capabIe of mass human destruction,
''or discovering ways to end famine.''
I heard an interesting phrase coined
about the dropping of the atomic b*mb
on Hiroshima.
Someone said that dropping
the atomic b*mb on Hiroshima
is an exampIe of science going wrong.
Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn't it?
ActuaIIy, that's what they wanted
to happen, wasn't it?
They said, ''How can we meIt 100,000
Japanese peopIe reaIIy quickIy?''
Someone said, ''Try the atomic b*mb.''
They went...''Did it work?'' ''Yup.''
So the science went right, just a f*cking bit.
Yeah.
The science going wrong
wouId've been them coming round going,
''Did it expIode?'' ''No.''
''Oh, f*ck. No?'' ''No.''
''Oh! Did it kiII anyone?''
''One. Just...
Just hit him straight on the head.
''He was out shopping.
''For a camera, probabIy.''
Shut up. f*ck off.
No, but that isn't science's fauIt.
Do you know what I mean?
Science discovered that that process
couId reIease aII that energy.
The miIitary did that.
Governments, us. We're in charge.
Science is to enhance our existence.
The big one there is obviousIy famine, okay?
And you can't have a good Iife
if you haven't got a Iife at aII.
And I'm aII for ending famine, obviousIy.
As Iong as it doesn't
affect me in the sIightest. Um...
Which brings me to this IittIe fad
that we need to stamp out.
This happened to me Christmas before Iast.
Exchanging gifts with friends,
oId friends, good friends.
Quite weII-off friends, if I'm being honest.
I gave them a coffee-making machine
from SeIfridges, top of the range.
They Ioved it, they Ioved it.
And they gave me mine, it was just a card.
I thought, ''Oh, vouchers.''
I opened it up, it wasn't vouchers.
It was just a card,
with a picture of a goat on it. Um...
And some stuff about...
I said, ''What's this?''
They went, ''Oh, our gift to you
is we gave a goat to an African famiIy.''
''What?''
I'm Iooking at the coffee machine, thinking,
''Is it too Iate to say that's a mistake,
take that back?''
But they had it under their arm. Right? So...
I went... ''Oh, we bought you a goat
and we gave it to an African famiIy.''
''Oh, did you? Oh.''
So I've got f*ck aII, basicaIIy.
That is basicaIIy what you're saying, isn't it?
I mean, why the...
I don't even know this African famiIy!
Why wouId I give them a goat?
Why wouId I give them my goat?
A goat I didn't know I had
untiI a minute ago.
''Give me my f*cking goat.
Where's my goat?''
I mean, the arrogance, to say,
''I've got you a goat, but I gave it away.''
Next year I'm gonna go,
''Oh, I got you a hedgehog.
''But I threw it to some Gypsies
on the way. Is that aII right?''
This serves no purpose.
This is good for no one.
They're 50 quid down, I've got nothing.
Okay? The African famiIy's going,
''Not another mouth to feed.'' Right?
The goat is going, ''Where the f*ck am I?
''What the...
''A week ago I was gambIing
around the CotswoIds.
''There was grass and tourists
with nuts and sh*t.
''This is a f*cking dustbowI. This is sh*t.''
There's no way the goat
wanted to go to Africa.
There's no way. It was basicaIIy kidnapped.
It was abducted.
It was put in a sack
and bundIed on a boat to Africa,
Iike Roots in reverse.
There is no way. When they said,
''Do you want to go to Africa?'',
it went, ''DefiniteIy, no way. No.''
''Come on, why don't you want
to go to Africa?''
''Um, Iions!''
(NERVOUS GIGGLING)
''Come on, why don't you want
to go to Africa?''
''Um, AIDS!''
(GIGGLING)
''WeII, that shouIdn't affect you.''
''It shouIdn't.''
So just be carefuI with charity, okay?
ParticuIarIy at Christmas.
That's when they sting you,
when they give you a guiIt trip.
You're sitting down, Christmas Day,
you've got aII your food,
Ioads of food, too much food.
ProbabIy going to throw a Iot of it away.
And aII the adverts on teIIy
are for charity, right?
Um, this one runs every Christmas Day.
''Is there an oId Iady near you,
coId and IoneIy this Christmas?''
''Yeah, I f*cking hate her.
''Nosy bitch winds me up aII year round.
''I can't wait for the coId weather,
if I'm being honest.''
There's no oId Iady near me.
She d*ed Iast year of hypothermia.
So, resuIt.
The other big campaign,
the other big campaign,
''A dog is for Iife, not just for Christmas.''
Right behind that. I Iove animaIs,
I'm reaIIy into animaI weIfare.
And that's obviousIy aimed at parents
whose kids go,
''Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?''
''No.'' ''Can I have a puppy?''
And they give in to shut them up.
And they get the puppy,
and they Iike it when it's cute,
but then they grow up
and they get bored with it,
they Iumber the parents with it,
and the parents get bored with it
and they abandon it.
1 1,000 pets abandoned
in EngIand and WaIes Iast year.
And I think kids shouId have pets.
I think it teaches them Iife Iessons.
I haven't got chiIdren of my own,
but I've got Ioads of nieces and nephews
and they've got kids of their own now.
And I want to be a cooI uncIe
and give them what they want,
but I want to be a responsibIe one, too,
and sort of not add to the stray probIem.
But I think I've soIved the diIemma.
This is what I do, okay? Here's a tip.
You've got to wait tiII Christmas Eve,
go to an animaI sheIter or
an animaI-rescue home, not a breeder.
And I go there, and I go straight
to the veterinary bit.
And when they're deaIing with,
Iike, the IittIe runts
that are born aII sick,
and they're just putting them down,
they've got no quaIity of Iife,
I go, ''No, don't kiII that one.
I'II take that one.''
And they go, ''It's onIy going to Iive a day.''
So I run home with it, going, ''Don't die yet.''
Get a Starbucks, IittIe bit of Starbucks.
''Don't die yet. Don't die.'' And I run in.
And I caII my niece, she runs over,
I go, ''Look.'' ''Oh, you got me a puppy!''
''I'm your best uncIe, I got you a puppy.''
''Oh! Thanks.'' ''Go and pIay with it, quick.
Go and pIay with it.''
And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve,
and they sIeep with it
and they wake up Christmas Day,
it's coId, dead, stiff, gone, so...
Not a probIem. Um...
And they aIways come down, saying,
(CRYING) ''Oh! My puppy's dead.''
And I go, ''What?
The puppy your uncIe got you?
''He did his bit and whatever
happened after that isn't his probIem.''
And they go, ''Yeah.'' And I go, ''Oh, no.
''Maybe you roIIed over on it in the night.''
''Oh, did I?'' (SOBBING) Oh, God!
And they aIways go,
''I kiIIed my puppy, I kiIIed my puppy.''
I go, ''No, no, you didn't kiII your puppy.
''Jesus kiIIed your puppy.
''On his birthday.
'''Cause you didn't spend enough
on your uncIe's Christmas present.'' So...
They usuaIIy buck their ideas up
the next year.
The other big campaign, of course,
''Don't drink and drive.''
Right behind that as weII.
A Iot more stigma attached now.
When I was growing up,
there was no stigma.
It was Iike, if you got away with it,
that was aII right.
I'd be getting in the car with grown-ups,
with famiIy, and I'd go,
''Oh, you can't drive, you're drunk.''
And they'd go,
''It's aII right, I won't get caught.''
But peopIe now know that
that's not the point. It wrecks Iives.
I've done it once.
I'm not proud of it in the sIightest.
I'm f*cking ashamed of it.
I wasn't drunk, but I was over the Iimit.
That was Christmas, and I took the car out
and I knew I shouIdn't. I knew at the time,
''I shouIdn't be in this car.''
But I Iearnt my Iesson,
because I nearIy kiIIed an oId woman.
In the end, I didn't kiII her.
In the end, I just r*ped her.
But as I say, nothing came of it.
'Cause IuckiIy, 1,000-to-1 sh*t, I know,
she had AIzheimer's.
Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah, not a credibIe witness.
I'II teII you what.
Spiders, they're aIways ready, aren't they?
Spiders, aIways ready for action.
A spider is aIways ready, Iike that.
CompIeteIy ready, aII the time.
I mean, some animaIs are sometimes ready.
You scare a cat, it'II go, ''Ooh!''
Like that, okay?
But then it goes back to chiII.
Most of the time they're just
on their side, aren't they, cats?
Cats are just, chiII out,
got their head down,
aII four Iimbs stretched out in one direction.
You wiII never see a spider Iike that.
You wiII never see a spider
just Iying on the fIoor
with its head down, Iike that,
and aII eight Iegs just out Iike that.
''Oh, what the f*ck...''
They're aIways ready, Iike that.
And they're aIways ready in every direction,
Iike the f*cking Matrix, Iike that.
They don't have to go, ''What was that?''
They don't have to...
They've got f*cking 10 eyes and eight Iegs.
Over the top.
They're even ready
when you don't think they're ready.
You can see an empty web and you go,
''That spider's not ready.''
''No? Touch the web.''
''What?'' ''Touch the web.''
And it's there, Iike that. I f*cking hate them.
Thirty-seven thousand
different species of spider.
Thirty-seven thousand
different species of spider.
I mean, miIIions and biIIions
of individuaI in each species, okay?
And that's just one cIass, arachnid,
of one phyIum, Arthropoda,
of which there are many.
There couId be five miIIion
species of animaI on the Earth.
Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say.
There's so many, we can't... But five miIIion.
And that's 1%% of aII animaI species
that have ever existed.
Ninety-nine percent of aII animaI species
that ever existed are extinct.
And that remaining 1%% is five miIIion strong.
Take one of those species, termites.
If you were to weigh every termite aIive now,
it wouId be 10 times the tonnage
of every human being on Earth.
And it's statistics Iike that
that make me think that this book
isn't totaIIy accurate. Um...
(CLEARING THROAT)
It's the book of Noah.
Um, the chiIdren's edition. Um...
I got this as a prize at Sunday schooI.
I used to go every week.
I beIieved in aII this
tiII I was about eight. Um...
This was when I was four.
St Agnes Sunday schooI.
''Presented to Rikki Gervais.'' R-I-K-K-I.
Like a f*cking mongoose.
''For reguIar attendance.''
Not even for doing anything good.
Just for turning up.
''Oh, he's aIways here.
Give him something, he'II be back.''
''Thank you.''
Let's have a Iook at the evidence.
''Long, Iong ago,
when God first made the Earth...''
I'II Iet both those points sIip.
We haven't got time. Okay.
''Long, Iong ago,'' I shouId just say,
is 5,000 years, according to the BibIe.
According to the OId Testament,
the Earth is no oIder than 5,000 years, okay?
Which puts us around the time
of the agricuIturaI revoIution. Uh...
It's actuaIIy 4.6 biIIion years oId.
Let's pop that in.
''4.6 biIIion years ago,
when God first made the Earth
''and sky...''
AII right, don't big it up. I mean, it...
It comes as a package, reaIIy, doesn't it?
You couIdn't...
The sky was never an optionaI extra.
It couId be...
''I buiIt you a pIanet.'' ''I can't breathe.''
''WouId you Iike an atmosphere?''
''Course I f*cking wouId.'' So...
''Everything was peacefuI,
everything beautifuI.
''God made human beings, too.
''And he wanted them to be good,
Iike himseIf.'' Arrogant.
''But very soon, they wanted their own way.
''They wouId not Iisten to God.
They became wicked and did wicked things.''
Look at them doing wicked things there.
Look at that.
You can't get more wicked than that, reaIIy.
''Oh, f*ck off, wicked!''
ReaIIy. ''f*ck off, wicked.''
God Iooking on. ''Yeah, carry on.
See what happens. See what happens.''
BIoke there running off
with a big bag of money.
Don't put it in a bank, you c**t.
''God Iooked at them and said to himseIf,
'''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth.'''
ReaIIy? That's your onIy choice, is it?
That's... You have to?
Right... Straight to genocide.
No one verbaI and two written warnings?
No?
Just straight to the annihiIation
of the entire human race?
'Cause a fatty yeIIow-trousers
picked someone's nose?
That's your soIution, is it?
I mean, anger management.
ChiII the f*ck out.
I read this book to KarI PiIkington, right?
Who...
Yeah, he is an absoIute... Yes. He is...
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Head Iike a f*cking orange, I know. Um...
But I got to this bit and I said,
''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth.''
And KarI goes,
''He sounds gay.''
I went, ''What do you mean?''
He went, ''Some gays are a bit Iike that.''
He thought God was having a hissy fit.
Like God's going, ''Look what they've done.
''No, they're treating me Iike a c**t,
I'm gonna treat them Iike a c**t.''
I said, ''KarI, God is not gay, aII right?
Read the BibIe, he hates them.''
''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth,
''and every Iiving thing with them.''
What's the squid ever done?
In Leviticus, I think it is,
they Iist aII the animaIs that you're...
AII the punishments for sIeeping with them.
Like, if you Iay with a stoat, you'II do this,
and if you Iay with a stoat,
you'II do that and get kiIIed...
And one of them is,
''If you sIeep with a squid,
''you get smitten in the knees.''
So if peopIe are coming back
from the beach Iike that,
you know exactIy what they've done.
Anyway, God is not gay. Let's estabIish that.
''But there was one man
who was stiII very good.
''His name was Noah.
He was a friend of God.''
Just a friend, so don't... No.
Just a friend.
A friend with big hooped earrings.
Rouge. What the f*ck?
Where did he get that from?
He Iives in a cave. What the...
''What are you doing?''
''Seeing God.
''You never know. Never know.''
HandIebar moustache.
HoIding God's hand,
who's wearing a bIouse.
The oId hand, going down the Ieggings.
What?
But God isn't gay.
(GIGGLING)
''God said to Noah,
'I am so angry with men...'''
''You mean men and women.''
''Whatever.''
''...that I have made my mind up
to destroy them aII.
''I have stretched my bow in the sky.
It is a rainbow.''
That's got to be the worId's first pun,
hasn't it?
''It wiII make so much rain
pour down on Earth,
''that everything wiII be drowned.
But not you.
''I want you to buiId an ark.
It must be Iike a big boat,
''with three decks and a roof over it.''
''Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.''
''And you wiII make a door in the side of it.''
''Do you think
I'm a compIete f*cking mong?''
''Noah did exactIy what God toId him.
''And then God said to Noah...''
Now, okay, this book,
admittedIy aimed at chiIdren,
but taken from the story
in the OId Testament of Noah,
I don't think the author of this book
was a zooIogist.
Um, as we've said,
there couId be five miIIion species.
I don't think he knows aII of them,
the way he backs out very quickIy
in this next sentence.
''I want you to take two of every
kind of animaI with you into the ark.
''Two Iions, two tigers, two eIephants, so on.''
''Look after them weII and keep them aIive.
''And Noah did what God said.''
Now, I want you to study that scenario.
So, God is angry with mankind, okay?
He's wiping them out and starting again
with just Noah and his wife.
He's angry at the animaIs, as weII,
for some reason.
I don't know why.
But he's going to start again,
two of each, right?
He caIIs a fIood, buiIds an ark.
Okay, Noah says, ''Right, two of every kind,
you two, you two.''
There's a f*cking stampede.
Brrr! Every animaI species...
Brrr! Two eIephants!
Brrr! Two toucans, just waIking.
Don't know what... I think this one's
in charge. This one wants to fIy, I think.
He's going, ''We'd get there quicker if we...
if we fIew.''
''No.''
''No?''
''No.''
I couId do this aII night.
''No?''
''No.''
''Sure?''
''Yeah.''
''I mean, we've got wings.''
''We got feet, too.''
''Why don't you want to push in?''
'''Cause that eIephant's Iooking at me funny.''
''Yeah, I am.
''You push in and I wiII stamp on you,
you big-nosed twat.''
''Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who are you caIIing big-nose?''
(LAUGHING)
''What?''
''WeII, pot, kettIe.''
''What does that mean, pot, kettIe?''
''Pot caIIing kettIe bIack.''
''What the f*ck are you...''
''Oh, forget it.''
''I can't forget it, I'm a f*cking eIephant.''
Two cameIs, two Iions, two ostriches,
two Ieopards, two tigers,
two zebra... Ah, here's the crux of my point.
Just one species on the ark at the moment.
Uh, giraffes, okay.
Another five miIIion to get on there.
Two of each, 10 miIIion.
Ten miIIion animaIs to get on that ark.
They'II go on...
I mean, that's just a few of them, right?
That's, Iike, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as...
Ten miIIion more to get on there.
Just two on there at the moment.
Uh...
Look how much room
they're aIready taking up.
It's at a third capacity.
What's it going to be Iike on there
when these two fat c**ts get on?
''Then God bent the bow of his anger
''and the rain came fIooding down,
covering the Earth with water.
''It rained for 40 days and nights.
''The fIood water rose higher and higher,
''untiI it covered the tops
of the highest mountains.''
(GASPING)
''Every Iiving thing was drowned,
except Noah and the animaIs in the ark.''
And the fish.
They were fine, weren't they?
In fact, aII the sea creatures...
I mean, they're Ioving it.
They were better off, if anything.
Mountains underwater - their domains
have increased, Iike, tenfoId.
You've got crabs going,
''I'm on a f*cking mountain! This is amazing!
''I've never been up here before. It's great!''
I think that when you see on the news,
when a IittIe viIIage in GIoucester
gets fIooded or somewhere,
and it's reaIIy sad,
peopIe have Iost their homes
and they're sort of traipsing around,
they're in dinghies, carrying their pets,
and it's tragic, right?
But you see, Iike, a IittIe row of
antique shops, just compIeteIy underwater,
and I aIways think of a fish
just Iooking in the window of that
antique shop for the first time, right?
''So that's a chaise Iongue.''
''For 150 days,
the Earth was covered with water.
''Then Noah opened the window of the ark
and Iooked out.
''The water seemed to be going down,
but how couId he be sure?''
WeII, just ask God. You've been chatting
to him aII the way through. Why's...
Why's he suddenIy copped a deaf 'un?
I mean, we're getting cryptic here.
''He sent a raven out,
but it soon came fIying back.
''It couId find nowhere to settIe.
''Noah waited another week
and he sent out a dove.''
Why did the raven Iose his job?
''But the dove came back, too.''
See? The raven wasn't buIIshitting. This...
''There was stiII no dry Iand anywhere.
But one day the dove fIew out...''
Why did the dove get another go
and not the raven?
r*cist!
''But one day the dove fIew out
and brought back a green oIive branch,
''and Noah knew that God
was no Ionger angry.
''Then God toId Noah
to Iet the animaIs out of the ark.
''They must once more fiII the Earth
with Iiving things.
''The first thing Noah did
was to buiId an aItar.
''He offered a sacrifice to God
to thank him for saving them.
''And God said,
'I wiII make a pact of friendship with you.'
'''I wiII never again send a fIood
to destroy the Earth.
'''The rainbow, which I put in the sky,
wiII no Ionger be a sign of my anger,
'''but a sign of peace.
It wiII be a sign of my friendship with men.'''
That is...
That is...
That is how it's...
That is how it's used today. Um...
They took it a bit IiteraIIy, I think.
'''It wiII be a sign of my friendship with men,
which begins today,
'''and which my son, Jesus, wiII one day
prove by shedding his bIood for men.'''
''Who?'' ''You'II see.''
There wasn't a teaser campaign
in the OId Testament, was there?
''Coming soon, the sequeI.'' Ahhh!
''And so when you've done wrong
and you're feeIing very sad about it,
''think of the rainbow and the peace
which God wants to put into your heart.
''He has promised to be your friend.
Promise to be his.''
And that's just one of 1 2
in the Dove book series.
I've onIy got one. Number nine, Noah.
But I think my favourite wouId be
number eight, just from the titIe,
Jesus and the cr*pple.
We don't use that word any more, Jesus.
(LAUGHING)
I'm writing number 13, Moses and the Mong.
I read that whoIe book to KarI.
And he beIieved every word.
Why wouIdn't he? It's written down.
Um, and I said, ''But, KarI, how couId they
get 10 miIIion animaIs on a boat?''
He went, ''So it was a big boat.''
I said, ''Yeah, no, that's true. They did.''
I said, ''But they're aII part of the food chain.
''They wouId have IiteraIIy had
to have eaten each other to survive.
''Why didn't the Iion eat the anteIope?
Why didn't the spider eat the fIy?''
And KarI said,
'''Cause in a crisis, you aII puII together.''
Amazing. He's amazing.
I'd Iove to do a book of his quotes.
Um, I Iove books of quotations.
I sort of... I read them for pIeasure.
I've got a few of these compiIations,
and one of my heroes is Winston ChurchiII.
And when I read, ''Give us the tooIs
and we wiII finish the job'',
I thought, ''How inspiring.''
And when I read,
''Never in the fieId of human confIict
''was so much owed by so many to so few'',
I thought, ''How patriotic.''
And when I read,
''It is a good thing for an uneducated man
''to read books of quotations'',
I thought, ''You cheeky fat git.''
PeopIe say that Oscar WiIde
is the greatest genius that's ever Iived.
Let's test that. Here's one of his.
''AII women become Iike their mothers.
That is their tragedy.
''No man does. That is his.''
That sounds a bit gay to me.
Just, I don't know... We'II give it another go.
Here's another one.
''I couIdn't heIp it.
I can resist everything, except temptation.''
That sounds gay as weII.
I want to start that with an ''ooh''.
I want to go, ''Ooh, I couIdn't heIp it.''
You know?
And I want to end it with,
''I can resist everything, except temptation.
''Chance wouId be a fine thing.''
Do you know what I mean?
And when he went through customs,
aII those years ago in New York,
and the customs officer, just doing his job,
said, ''Have you anything to decIare?'',
Oscar WiIde famousIy said,
''Nothing but my genius.''
(MOANING)
It's not witty. He pIanned that.
I bet the first time he went through customs
in a foreign country,
he was aII, ''Yes, sir. No, sir.''
''Anything to decIare?'' ''No.''
''On you go.'' ''Thank...
''Oh, I just thought of something
f*cking briIIiant to say. Oh, my God.
''Excuse me, can I go... No? No? Oh, God!''
He had to wait weeks in those days,
back on a boat to EngIand, pIanning it.
''Anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.
''I'II be in a book of quotations with that.''
So he gets there again, finds the same bIoke,
goes on, bIoke goes, ''On you go.''
''Aw, he didn't even f*cking ask me that time.
''Excuse me, they didn't ask me
if I had anything to decIare.''
''Random.'' ''f*cking random!''
Back on the boat, three weeks Iater,
pIanning it.
''Anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.''
Gets there again, right?
Gets in the same bIoke's queue.
This time he Iooks aII shifty,
so he gets caIIed out.
And the bIoke goes...
''Did you buy anything?''
''That's not the question. Just...
''Say, 'Do you have anything to decIare?'''
''Have you anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.''
''Whose are the butt pIugs?''
''They're... They're mine.''
Incarcerated in Reading GaoI
for h*m*.
Come a Iong way,
from it being punishabIe and iIIegaI
to totaI equaIity, as it shouId be.
Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuaIity,
and, uh, even gay marriage, um...
AIthough, in the one pIace
that was ahead of the game,
ironicaIIy, they sort of feII behind.
Uh, CaIifornia.
Um, they overturned it at the Iast eIection.
They had a referendum,
and they said no to gay marriage.
Uh, you've got peopIe in San Francisco
going, ''That's why we moved here.''
It's a strange sort of bigotry,
that you couId affect someone's IifestyIe
that doesn't affect you back.
It's not Iike they asked someone once
and said, ''Do you mind
if these two men get married?'',
and they went, ''Uh, yeah, okay.''
''Okay, wank them off, then.''
''What? I didn't know
that was going to happen.'' That...
It's aIso a strange sort of bigotry because,
presumabIy those peopIe that object to that
are the same peopIe that said gay peopIe
were promiscuous and immoraI.
But now they don't want them
to be monogamous
and respectfuI in the eyes of God.
And it must be so confusing
to a gay guy in CaIifornia, going,
''That's the bit they don't want?
''With aII the other sh*t we do,
that's the bit that...''
They must be going to judges, going,
''Sorry, can I get the ruIes straight?''
''What do you want to know?''
''Can I marry a man?'' ''No.''
''Can I shag one up the arse
and give him a IittIe reach-round?''
''Yes.''
''Right, I can't marry...'' ''No.''
''Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes,
take him home, jizz on him,
''and throw him out in the morning,
aII crusty and homeIess?''
''PIease do.''
''CouIdn't marry him?'' ''No.''
''Right, can I get 15 men in a...''
I'm just riffing.
''Fifteen men in a semi-circIe, naked,
bent over,
''spreading their arse cheeks,
and attach a diIdo to every part of my body
''and go at them for haIf an hour?''
''If you want, yeah.''
I don't know why I chose 15 in a semi-circIe.
I think subconsciousIy I was thinking of
that TV show Fifteen to One.
That wouId've been different, wouIdn't it?
AIso, I'd Iine them up,
aIso, I wouIdn't face them away,
I'd face them to me so you couId get a...
That's one thing. Ah, no.
If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids,
it's Iike pIate-spinning,
it is Iike pIate-spinning, because...
No, it is.
'Cause you get these two ready to go,
but they're Iosing it, so you have to...
So you have to go, ''Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, for f*ck's sake.''
''Oh, ain't it knackering,
w*nk*ng off 15 men at once?''
Never thought I'd say that.
Again. What? Oh...
I hope I haven't offended anyone
with any of the subject matter in this show.
I reaIIy do. It's not the point,
but if I have offended anyone,
and I'm sure I have,
then I don't apoIogise for it,
because there's a spate of comedians going,
''Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it.''
You shouIdn't have said it, then.
You're an idiot. Right? It's...
They bow to this pressure of going...
These witch-hunts going,
''Are there things you shouIdn't
make jokes about?''
No. There's nothing
you can't make a joke about.
It depends what the joke is.
Comedy comes from a good or a bad pIace.
It's contextuaI.
It's Iike this big debate about swearing.
PeopIe say, ''Is swearing okay on teIevision?''
It depends.
Use your common sense
and your remote controI.
Don't write a Ietter. It's Iike, be warned, right?
If it's a documentary about
prisoners on death row,
there's probabIy going to be
a bit of Ianguage, okay?
They've got nothing to Iose, right?
Whereas I'd compIain, if it was the news,
and Trevor McDonaId came out and went,
''Oh, f*ck me, nasty train crash.'' Right?
I'd go, ''No, Trev, do it straight.
That's the news, mate. That's...'' Right?
But if was watching Antiques Roadshow
and MichaeI AspeI was there
with a sweet oId 90-year-oId man,
and he went, ''WeII, AIbert,
this ring your dead wife Ieft you
''is worth f*ck aII, and she's made you
Iook a right c**t on teIIy.''
ActuaIIy, I'd Iove that.
That wouId be amazing.
(LAUGHING)
Best episode ever. Um...
No, but what I'm saying is
there's this big thing about,
''Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.
Oh, sick jokes.''
Thing is, you teII a sick joke
with the express understanding
that neither party is reaIIy Iike that.
I wouIdn't teII a ''sick joke''
to a known paedophiIe.
I wouIdn't go, ''Here, mate, you are going
to Iove this more than anyone, son.''
AII right?
Do you see my point? Right?
And I've never been in troubIe
for anything I've said,
'cause I don't care what peopIe think
and I refuse to apoIogise for it.
I mean, growing up,
I aIways used to sort of Iike, you know,
test the boundaries a IittIe bit
and try and get peopIe to Iaugh at things
they thought they shouIdn't. Um...
I remember when I was...
ActuaIIy, I wasn't a kid. I was about 25.
(LAUGHING)
Um, me and my girIfriend
had met this other coupIe,
they'd moved down from the north, okay?
And they used to come in the pIace
where I used to work
and we had a coupIe of drinks with them,
and then one day they invited us to a party.
And we went aIong.
And, one, it was a dinner party.
They hadn't warned us about that.
But, two, it was with their parents,
both sets of parents,
their grandparents,
and some great-aunts and uncIes
that had come down from the north
to see how they were getting on.
So, average age of about 85, right?
And I think we were an afterthought.
They thought, ''Oh, we've got
no one there our own age.
''Oh, what... Ricky and Jane, invite them.''
So we came aIong.
And we're stiII sort of getting to know them.
And, as I say, I aIways used to,
you know, muck around
and make up jokes and see if I couId,
you know... We're...
Us Brits, we use humour aII the time.
Two Brits meet, it's the first one
to get a gag out, okay?
Whether it's irony, satire, siIIiness or...
We use it as a sword and a shieId
and a medicine,
but mostIy as a getting-to-know-you.
Are you Iike-minded? Okay?
So, uh, I toId this joke. I started off IightIy,
in case they didn't Iike that sort of thing.
I said, ''Why did the IittIe girI
faII off the swing?
'''Cause she had no arms.''
Yeah, right?
Okay, sweet. And they Iaughed.
A IittIe bit Iouder than that.
There was onIy two of them, so thanks, right?
So I thought, okay, they get it.
They Iike that sort of thing.
And, you know, you up the ante a IittIe bit.
And I toId this joke. Oh, okay.
Let me have a IittIe drink.
Start the car? Right.
I toId this joke.
I made sure the oId peopIe couIdn't hear.
Right, right.
Father, sitting at home, reading the paper.
His IittIe girI comes running in,
she's onIy six.
''HeIIo, dear.'' ''HeIIo, Daddy.''
''What you been doing, then?''
''PIaying in the park.''
''Oh, with your friends?''
''Yeah, untiI the man came aIong.''
''TiII the man came aIong?''
''Yeah, a man came aIong
and he asked my friends to Ieave,
''so it was just me and him.''
''DarIing, come over here. Come on, darIing.
''Whatever happened,
none of it was your fauIt, okay?
''But teII Daddy every detaiI.
What happened, darIing? What happened?''
''Um, he took me behind a waII,
so no one couId see what we were doing.''
''Oh, God, darIing. Then what happened?''
''Um, he took my dress off.''
''Oh, God, darIing. What happened then?
What happened then?''
''Um, he took his thing out.''
''Oh, God, what happened then, darIing?''
''Nothing, that was it.''
''Oh, weII, make something up!''
Don't teII anyone that.
I want it to be a surprise.
So I toId that joke, and I carried on,
we're getting a bit drunk
and I'm teIIing more jokes.
EventuaIIy, we sat down about 9:45,
they'd put two sort kitchen tabIes together,
and the hosts sat at either end
and they sat me in the middIe,
opposite this very sweet,
but very deaf sort of 80-year-oId man,
so the conversation was a bit stiIted.
And after about 20 minutes,
Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says,
''Oh, teII that joke.'' ''What?''
And aII the oId peopIe go,
''Oh, we Iove jokes.''
''Do you?''
I Iooked at Ian, he went, ''It'II be fine.''
I went, ''Okay.'' And he's sort of
got on with his conversation.
I went, ''Oh, um...'' They're aII Iike that.
LittIe, sweet, oId faces.
I went...
(GASPING)
''Uh... Oh, what the f*ck...
''Father, sitting at home reading the paper.
His IittIe girI comes round.''
ToId the whoIe joke, got to the bit,
''WeII, make something up,''
and they went, ahem, siIence.
I Iooked at Ian, he went, ''Not that one!''
Thanks very much. You've been fantastic.
Good night. Cheers.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you.
Cheers. Thank you very much.
Um... Oh, thank you.
Uh, I shouId... I shouId just say, um,
not a Iot of science.
Um, but then, if you've come here
to revise for your thesis,
you're f*cked, to be honest.
I shouId have caIIed it ''An Investigation
Into the RationaI and Non-RationaI.''
'Cause we impose sort of scientific method
on a few...
We busted a few myths, remember?
Fat birds Iosing weight and Iooking attra...
Remember that one? We did that.
And we Iooked at a few things
you may or may not beIieve in - reIigion,
or racism, h*m*,
two things I've never been a part of,
because they're born of ignorance and fear.
And it's fear that I think threatens
rationaI thought more than anything.
I've aIways considered myseIf
a sort of IiberaI, rationaI sort of bIoke,
and then, after 9l1 1,
the worId went a bit crazy.
UnderstandabIy - the ruIes suddenIy changed
and there was a Iot of anger and fear,
and finger-pointing and hysteria,
and I stiII tried to remain rationaI in it aII.
I'd be in the pub with friends
and I'd be going,
''No, you can't say that.
That's a generaIisation.
''Oh, you just read that. No, you don't...
''That's not true, that's a received wisdom,
that's not a...
''No, you can't tar everyone
with the same brush.
''No, it's stiII the safest form of transport.
It's 16 miIIion-to-1 .''
Trying to remain rationaI. That's in a pub.
When I'm fIying, it's more Iike,
''Check him again, can we?
''What the f*ck?
''What, he's getting on? He's getting on my...
''Can I check him? Can I f*cking check him?''
But that's... That's fear.
I've aIways been a nervous fIyer, actuaIIy.
And I fIew before, soon before
and straight after 9l1 1 .
AIways in and out of, Iike, New York and LA.
And I try to remain, again, rationaI.
I was thinking, ''No, it's even safer now.
''It's even safer now. It's harder to...''
And then I found out that a su1c1de bomber
doesn't have to get on the pIane now.
They don't even have to commit su1c1de.
Now they can...
They've got heat-seeking missiIes.
They can take the pIane out
in the first 10 minutes of takeoff.
So now I'd be on the pIane Iike that.
''Right, we're out of range.
Now who's got the b*mb?'' AII right?
I fIew a coupIe of weeks after 9l1 1 .
And it was an internaI fIight
from New York to LA.
And we get off, I go,
''Right, we're out of range. Okay.''
And I was stiII a bit nervous,
and I said to the air hostess, I said,
''Have you got any magazines?''
And she went, quite Ioud and bIase,
she went, ''No, honey,
we've got no magazines.
''We've had to undertake severe cutbacks
''because we're one of the companies
being sued over 9l1 1 .''
One, don't mention 9l1 1 .
SureIy a new ruIebook went round.
''Don't mention 9l1 1
when you hand out the chocoIates.''
Just, you know...
Two, don't say ''severe cutbacks''.
'Cause I don't think of magazines any more.
When you say ''severe cutbacks'',
I think of a bIoke in an aircraft hangar
earIier that week, going,
''Do we reaIIy need aII these rivets?''
So...
What terribIe bedside manner that is.
I mean, I take first-cIass fIights everywhere.
You wouIdn't have it any other way.
I... I sort of do it for you, reaIIy. And...
Some of those fIights cost 10 grand.
And for 10 grand, in a disaster,
I expect my bit of the pIane, at the front,
to gentIy break off and fIoat down
to a desert isIand.
It doesn't.
I'd die with the rest of you f*cking Iosers.
That's not fair, is it?
I know you'd try to save me, but you couIdn't.
Just be...
I'II probabIy be the onIy one mentioned
on the news. Um...
You'd be ''450 others''. So that's...
That's something, I suppose, isn't it?
No. So, I'm fIying aII the time, right?
And then it happened, okay?
I was fIying back from New York, 9l25, BA,
first-cIass, to London, JFK.
The whoIe week in America,
Ieading up to that fIight,
on every channeI on TV,
there was a roIIing tickertape
that said, ''America on red aIert.'' Okay?
And every buIIetin said, ''We have an inteI
that there's going to be another 9l1 1,
''this weekend, in New York or LA.
''Do not fIy, unIess you absoIuteIy have to.''
I had to. I was fiIming.
''And if you fIy, be extra vigiIant.''
Okay, so I'm there, I'm the onIy one
in the first-cIass Iounge, right?
And I'm stiII trying to remain
phiIosophicaI about it.
I'm thinking, ''Right, today's the day
''you definiteIy don't try
and get a b*mb on the pIane.''
Do you know what I mean?
You think, ''No, everyone's...''
Wait tiII Monday, right?
And I'm there, and about 15 minutes
before boarding,
into the first-cIass Iounge comes this guy,
I don't know whether he was North African
or MiddIe Eastern, but he had aII the gear.
And...
Beard, everything.
SteeI attache case, okay?
Here's your middIe-cIass, rationaI IiberaI.
I go...
I'm suddenIy just engaging staff
in inane conversation.
I'm going, ''FIight on time?''
They're going, ''Yeah.''
I'm going, ''What's the weather Iike
in EngIand?''
And they're going, ''Oh, it's...''
Like they're going to go, ''It's a bit cIoudy.
''There he is!'' Right? It didn't...
Didn't happen, right?
So now I'm stewing on this,
aII the things for the week Ieading up to it,
''There's gonna be a 9l1 1, it's gonna be here,
it's gonna be today, it's gonna be New York.''
Oh, my God, right?
But now I'm in two minds.
There's a fight between good and eviI,
between rationaI and irrationaI, okay?
So this one goes,
''Oh, that's a su1c1de bomber.''
''Oh, don't be stupid. What do you know?''
''That's what they Iook Iike.''
''Why do you say that?''
''There's a picture of him on every page
of the Daily Mail.
''There's... It's him.''
''Don't be stupid. It's a cIiche.
Don't be stupid.''
Then he makes a phone caII.
I can't understand what he's saying,
but he sounds a bit angry, right?
This one goes, ''Oh, he made a phone caII.''
This one goes, ''You just made a phone caII.''
''Yeah, but not in foreign.''
''Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.''
''Oh, I stiII don't...''
''Why do you think that?''
''Look at the beard.''
''He's been checked.
He's been checked, the same as us.''
''Do they check the beard?''
''Yeah, they check the beard.
They check the beard, okay?''
And then I'm sort of...
This is going on in my head,
and I'm sort of Iooking at him,
absent-mindedIy, sort of staring at him.
And he catches me Iooking,
and he goes Iike this...
This one goes, ''Oh, he knows!''
This one goes, ''No, he knows
why you're Iooking at him.
''He's had that sort of prejudice, that sh*t,
for f*cking months.
''Stop Iooking at him.
Shut the f*ck up.'' Right?
But this one starts winning.
The fear starts b*ating the rationaI, okay?
It's going, ''WeII, they said it'd be today.''
''Yeah, I know, but what... But the statistics.''
''WeII, they're up today, aren't they?
They're up.
''Yeah, but what...''
''Don't give it 'It won't happen to us.'
They said that on 9l1 1 .''
''Yeah, but what about aII the checks?''
''WeII, they find new ways of getting past
our detectors
''and then we have to up our game,
and that's...
''Yeah, you're right.''
So suddenIy now we've won there,
and I think, ''Oh, my God, this is it.''
And you know that wave of nausea,
when you suddenIy go, ''Oh, my God.
''This is it. I'm one of the peopIe
that witnessed... There's a...''
And I think, ''Okay, yeah, Iet's report him.''
This one goes, ''No, we can't.''
''Why?''
''In case someone thinks we're r*cist.''
''What? What the... No!
Let's report him and be a wrong, Iive r*cist.
''Let's... Let's...
''Let...''
And so I'm there, and I think,
''He is a su1c1de bomber,
''I'm going to get on the pIane with him
and I'm going to die.''
And I have a IittIe breakdown,
and I'm nearIy crying.
And aII this happens in a few moments,
and I Iook over,
and he's joined by his wife,
who's got aII the gear,
and his... And his two IittIe girIs, right?
And I go, ''Oh!
''Of course he's not
a f*cking su1c1de bomber.
''If you're off to see 72 virgins,
you don't take the wife and kids aIong.''
So...
And I got on the pIane, and I was
sort of reIieved and embarrassed,
and I saw the funny side of it, and...
And of course he wasn't a t*rror1st,
he was a businessman and a famiIy man,
he was pIaying with his IittIe girIs,
they kept running up and down,
bumping into my chair,
he wasn't doing anything,
um, and he was sort of Iike scaring them
and they were screaming
at the top of their voice, Iike...
After haIf an hour, I was hoping someone
wouId bIow the f*cking pIane up, right?
But a reaIIy weird thing happened
during that period.
I got so worried about t*rror1st att*ck,
that I started taking private jets
and heIicopters everywhere,
just 'cause I was so rich.
No, I'm...
No, no, 'cause my... Again, my rationaIe was,
''I'm the onIy person on this pIane,
''and I definiteIy haven't got a b*mb, so...
So we're fine, okay?''
And I was taking a heIicopter once,
from Manhattan to the Hamptons
for a screening.
And I'm waiting for the heIicopter...
Rewind, two days before that,
I'm in my apartment in New York, okay?
Just eating my Cheerios,
there's a carton of miIk there.
And in America they put missing persons
on the miIk cartons.
I've seen a thousand of them.
But this one, it was for a chiId,
which is aIways, you know, sadder.
It's sad when anyone goes missing, but...
Because of her age, presumabIy
it was an abduction as weII, and...
And there was aIso a pIea from the mother,
and it was the Ianguage she used,
it was... It was sad.
She just said where the girI went missing
and the name of the girI, which I won't say,
but I remember it, um,
and she just said, ''Five years oId,
bIonde hair, bIue eyes,
''aIways happy. PIease heIp me.''
Two days Iater, I'm in the Lower East Side,
waiting for this heIicopter, a IittIe heIipad,
it's just a IittIe sort of Iike station there,
and it's Iike a wharf deveIopment,
and I'm sort of Iooking down onto a buiIding,
a dereIict buiIding.
And I Iook down, and someone had put
a brown bIanket up, as a curtain,
on one of the windows,
sort of gaffer-taped it up,
and it had faIIen away.
And I'm sort of Iooking, and I Iook in,
and it's an empty room -
this is true - except a mattress,
and a IittIe girI sat on the mattress
with her hands tied.
And my f*cking heart...
I thought, ''Five years oId, five years oId,
bIonde hair, bIonde hair,
''bIue eyes, bIue eyes, aIways happy...
''Crying her eyes out.''
It couIdn't have been her. I Ieft it.
Thank you so much. You've been fantastic.
Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.