[upbeat music]
[sentimental music]
[announcer]
Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson!
[audience cheering]
Thank you so much!
[cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you, guys, so much!
Thank you!
I so, so appreciate you guys being here.
It's been a rough couple of years.
I got bangs at one point.
- sh*t got dark.
- [audience laughs]
I didn't even want bangs.
I just needed people to check on me.
And it works, by the way.
You post a selfie in bangs,
everybody's like, "Fire emoji.
You go, girl!" Then they text you, like,
"You okay?"
[audience laughs]
Here's what I did. I got bangs
and then two days later,
- I did mushrooms for the first time.
- [audience laughs]
And as soon as I did those mushrooms,
I was like, "I should've done these first.
[audience laughs]
Probably wouldn't have gotten these bangs
if I forgave myself, huh?"
[audience laughs]
But you know what? Having bangs
feels exactly like being on mushrooms.
The whole time, you're just looking
at your friends, like, "Do I look weird?
[audience laughs]
You guys would tell me
if I looked weird, right? Is it...
Is it bad different? Is it not good...
You know what? I changed my mind.
I don't want to do it.
It's too late? It's already happening?
Okay, no, I can be this person."
I got back into therapy.
Anybody in therapy?
[audience cheers]
Mostly women. That's the problem.
[audience laughs]
It's very hard to stay in therapy.
My old therapist told me
that when I get close to people,
I have a tendency to self-sabotage.
And I thought that was bullshit,
so I ghosted her.
- [audience laughs]
- And then...
I finally went back
because I finally dated enough people
who all gave me the exact same feedback
about my shitty personality.
You know, that romantic quota you hit
where you're, like,
- [laughing] "Uh-oh! Might be me!
- [audience laughs]
Oh, the reviews are in and they are
[blows raspberry] unanimous.
That's a bummer."
So after a really bad breakup
a few years ago,
I finally took a long hard look at myself
and said, "Okay, Taylor, five out of five
dudes all think that in fights,
you behave like a raccoon
trapped in a trash bag."
[audience laughs]
"So maybe it's time to get some Klonopin
or a rabies sh*t."
[audience laughs]
I am fully medicated now.
Anybody else? Anti-depressants?
- [audience cheers]
- Medication? Yeah.
Nice. What are we on? Shout it out.
[audience shouting indistinctly]
Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh!
- Look at us. g*ng's all here!
- [audience laughs]
Oh my God! I'm also on something.
I would never say what,
that's very personal, but...
[audience laughs]
No, I'm kidding. I'm on a few things.
I am on Klonopin as needed
for panic att*cks.
I'm so glad I have Klonopin now
because before
I had medication for it,
I would have panic att*cks
right when I had to be somewhere,
which is the worst time to get them
'cause then you just have to pinch
the panic att*ck off
like a sh*t you don't have time to take.
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean?
When you're, like, "Okay,
I got 60% of that out of my system.
[audience laughs]
- I'm not done but I gotta go to work.
- [audience laughs]
I will get to the other 40 later
or I'll finish in the big stall at lunch
if no one's in there.
[audience laughs]
I got put on something else for sleep
because I have night terrors.
There's no fun, casual way to say that.
- [giggles] "Wake up screaming and..."
- [audience laughs]
These sleeper time pills I got are great.
They don't stop the nightmares
but they do hold you down
while they're happening.
[audience laughs]
Which sounds bad but before,
I'd wake up in the middle so afraid
and now, I stay asleep
- until the nightmare's natural conclusion,
- [audience laughs]
- which provides you with some closure.
- [audience laughs]
- You're like, "Oh, he stabs me at the end.
- [audience gasps]
Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan."
[audience laughs]
I thought I was on an anti-depressant.
It turns out I'm not.
It turns out I'm actually
on a mood stabilizer
that they use as an anti-depressant.
Fun fact about prescription dr*gs.
Everything they prescribe, they actually
use for, like, four different things.
So you don't really know what your deal is
until you find a combo that works
and then Google all your pills
by yourself.
[audience laughs]
So after years of trial and error,
I finally found a combination of things
that worked for me,
and six months ago, I decided to Google it
'cause what the hell.
And it turns out
that everything I'm taking
is primarily used for bipolar disorder.
So I went back to my psychiatrist
and I was, like, "Hey.
[audience laughs]
Do we think...?"
[audience laughs]
And she was, like, "Oh! Yeah!"
[audience laughs]
And I was, like,
"Is this how you f*cking tell people?"
[audience laughs]
And she's, like, "No, of course not.
We didn't know.
I'm glad we figured it out."
- And I was, like, "We?"
- [audience laughs]
I said, "You really didn't know
that I was bipolar?" And she goes,
"No, of course not. We thought
we were treating anxiety and depression."
And I said, "Okay.
'Cause this kinda feels like
a putting your dog's medication
in cheese situation."
[audience laughs]
And I was, like, "I don't know how I feel
about this diagnosis." And she goes,
"Well, if it makes you feel better,
you don't have to say,
'I am bipolar.'
You can say, 'I have bipolar.'"
- [audience chuckles]
- Which feels a lot like someone going,
"I said you were being a bitch."
[audience laughs]
I'm so glad I know that I'm bipolar now.
I mean, I have the right meds,
I got a mood ring, I'm handling it.
[audience laughs]
But when I first found out,
it was a very tough pill to swallow.
- And I've swallowed a lot of pills.
- [audience laughs]
Because when you first find out
something like that,
you're, like, "Oh man,
am I gonna tell anybody?
Should I tell anybody?
And if I do tell people,
am I hot
and/or talented enough
to be an inspiration?"
[audience laughs]
[audience claps, cheers]
Like, if I have a thing
and someone else has that thing
and they find out I have it too,
are they gonna feel good or bad
with that information?
Because when I got diagnosed,
they started listing names.
They were, like,
"You know who else is bipolar?
Selena Gomez."
And I was, like,
- "That does make me feel better.
- [audience laughs]
- She is very pretty.
- [audience laughs]
Okay, I'll be bipolar."
[audience laughs]
I did not grow up
in a household that was very, like,
mental health-conscious.
Like, we were very religious.
I don't know if you've ever tried
to tell your conservative dad
that you have a mental health issue.
It doesn't go great.
When I was in high school,
I was like, "Dad, I think I'm depressed."
And he was, like, "You just need some
protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter."
[audience laughs]
Yeah, there's a lot of dads out there just
white-knuckling it through life right now,
clinging to a jar of chunky Jif
like it's the answer,
just a buoy in the storm.
- "It'll pass!"
- [audience laughs]
The only mental health advice
my dad ever gave me
is I was having panic att*cks
in high school
and I didn't know what they were
and I was very stressed out.
And I was, like, "I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do when I feel
like this. I don't know what to do."
And he goes, "Alright.
All I can tell you
is that when you feel like this,
get as far away from the people
you care about as possible...
[audience laughs]
until you feel different."
Which is advice you give a werewolf, like...
[audience laughs]
"Just run into the woods
'til you're not a monster anymore.
Don't let them see you change. They won't
accept you for what you truly are."
[audience laughs]
And I had friends who scared me too
when I was trying to get on medication.
They were, like, "Ugh, I tried.
I tried anti-depressants.
I didn't like how I felt on them.
I didn't feel like myself."
And now that I'm on them, I'm, like,
"Yeah, me neither! It's the best."
[audience laughs]
Okay? And I do feel like myself.
I just feel like now someone's
sitting on me going,
- "Shh!
- [audience laughs]
Stop talking. You will ruin everything.
We are...
We are trying to help you.
You'd be married right now
if you just shut the hell up.
[audience laughs]
Remember that? Yeah, us too.
We are trying to help you. Go to sleep.
Choose a different adventure."
[audience laughs]
And they warn you about the side effects
when you get on medication.
They go, "You know,
your sex drive might go down."
And I'll be honest, I have experienced
that since I got on medication,
but I can't tell if my sex drive is lower
- or if my self-esteem is just higher now.
- [audience laughs]
You know?
[audience claps, cheers]
It's, like, am I not in the mood, or do I
just not need the validation? Which is it?
Because depression
will bring you to your knees
and you're, like, "While I'm down here,
might as well make someone feel good.
- I... do not want to waste a trip."
- [audience whoops]
If you're not laughing,
congrats on your serotonin.
[audience laughs]
And if you're, like, "What's serotonin?"
Don't worry. You have enough.
[audience laughs]
I wasn't sure
if I was gonna talk about it on stage,
and then I needed new material and I was,
like, "Fire sale! Everything goes."
[audience laughs]
No, truthfully, I was surprised
that I felt so bad about it
'cause I think I'm pretty open-minded.
And I don't think anybody should feel bad
if they get diagnosed
with a mental illness
'cause it's just information about you
that helps you know
how to take better care of yourself.
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
Being bipolar,
there's nothing wrong with it.
Being bipolar
is like not knowing how to swim.
It might be embarrassing to tell people
and it might be hard
to take you certain places.
[audience laughs]
[audience continues laughing]
But they have arm floaties.
[audience laughs]
And if you just take your arm floaties,
you can go wherever the hell you want.
[audience laughs]
And... I know some of you are, like,
"But Taylor,
what if people judge me
for taking arm floaties?"
Well, those people don't care
if you live or die,
- so maybe who cares?
- [audience whoops]
Maybe f*ck those people a little.
- [audience cheers]
- I don't know.
That being said,
you have to take your arm floaties
[audience laughs]
because it's not cool
to know you can't swim,
go to the public pool anyway,
and jump into the deep end,
making it everyone else's problem.
[audience laughs]
And you thrash around going, "I'm good!"
They're like, "You're literally drowning."
And then someone nice
and handsome jumps in to help you.
And you're, like,
"See? I'm fine. I can totally swim."
And they're, like,
"No, you're holding him underwater.
[audience laughs]
- You turned Kevin into an arm floaty
- [audience laughs]
and that's not a fair relationship
for Kevin."
[audience laughs]
Then someone floats by you on their back
and you're, like, "What was that?"
And they're, like, "Oh, that's someone
whose parents supported them in the pool...
[audience laughs]
until they could be trusted not to die.
[audience laughs]
- Here are your arm floaties."
- [audience laughs]
I was very nervous to tell friends of mine
I was bipolar because I thought
they would think of me differently.
And then I told all my friends
and nobody did
and it was actually pretty insulting.
[audience laughs]
Because I've had friends tell me
they were bipolar
and I was, like,
"What? You? You're kidding."
And then I told my friends and they
were, like,
- "That checks out. That's...
- [audience laughs]
That connects a lot of dots for us."
I told Dustin, one of my best friends
in the whole world,
and he goes, "Yeah, your mental illness
was kinda like your middle name.
I didn't know what it was
but I knew that you had one."
[audience laughs]
It's really good.
That was not the feedback I kept getting
from romantic partners, by the way.
- [audience laughs]
- That's not what finally made me get help.
Every guy I've ever dated
has told me I have trust issues,
which is something liars say
when you're on to them.
[audience laughs]
[in deep voice]
"You have trust issues, babe."
You have
a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so...
[audience laughs]
I have trust issues
but I earned them, okay?
- [audience laughs]
- I absolutely earned them, like,
I got cheated on in college.
My college boyfriend
was sleeping with sex workers
behind my back,
or prostitutes if you're old and don't
know that word's not okay to use anymore.
Sometimes older crowd members
could get confused 'cause they're, like,
"What is a sex worker?"
"Is that what my granddaughter
does on Instagram?"
- [audience laughs]
- And you're, like, "No, no, no,
she's just hot. That's a FabFitFun box."
- "That's a different..."
- [audience laughs]
- "That's a different thing."
- [audience laughs]
"Your granddaughter doesn't...
That's not a job."
- "That's not real."
- [audience laughs]
You can't say prost*tute anymore.
Calling a sex worker a prost*tute
is like calling a comedian a clown.
You're not technically wrong
but you are a f*cking assh*le, so...
[audience laughs]
But I told my therapist
I got cheated on like this
and she didn't say
what I wanted her to say,
which was, "Poor baby, sweetie,
this session is free."
[audience laughs]
Instead, she goes, "Well, you might be
a self-fulfilling prophecy."
And I was like, "Oh!" And she's like,
"No, it's a bad thing." And I was like,
[audience laughs]
"Well, then could you say
I have self-fulfilling prophecy?
[audience laughs]
Is Selena Gomez
a self-fulfilling prophecy?"
[audience laughs]
And I said, "What does that mean,
I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy?"
And she goes, "Well, sometimes
we expect someone to treat us poorly,
so we treat them like they're going
to treat us poorly until they do."
"You thought someone
was gonna cheat on you,
so you treated them like
they were gonna cheat on you
until they did cheat on you,
and then you were like, 'See?'"
[audience chuckles]
- And I was like, "Oh."
- [audience laughs]
"So I'm a witch."
[audience laughs]
[audience claps, cheers]
And she's like,
"Oh! So close. You're a bitch."
- "You gotta..."
- [audience laughs]
I'm like,
"Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!"
[audience laughs]
I am working on my trust issues.
I was so much worse when I first started
seeing my therapist.
I told her like first session, I was like,
"The guy I'm dating keeps answering
my phone calls, 'Hey, beautiful?'"
[audience laughs]
And she's like, "So, what's the problem?"
I was like, "I mean, I don't know yet."
[audience laughs]
- "But when I find out who 'Beautiful' is..."
- [audience laughs]
She's like,
"Do you think it might be you?"
I was like, "I'm sorry.
I thought we were here to work."
[audience laughs]
I think I'm cute or whatever now,
but I was an ugly kid with honest parents,
and that sh*t stays in your bones,
alright?
If you were an ugly kid
with honest parents,
I don't care how attractive
you grow up to be,
at any point, if someone's like,
"You look really nice today," you're like,
"Yeah, whatever.
I know the g*dd*mn truth."
[audience laughs]
When I was ten, I said,
"Dad, am I pretty?"
And his response was, "Look."
[audience laughs]
"I'm not the best looking guy, right?"
"No, but I wake up
every morning and I try."
- [audience laughs]
- "I..."
"I take a shower, I put on a nice suit,
and I do okay!"
[audience whoops]
- And then he went to work.
- [audience laughs]
- And I became a comedian, I guess.
- [audience laughs]
That was his response
to his ten-year-old daughter.
Just like, "You and me, potato face,
these were the cards we were dealt."
"Get clean and match."
"That's all you can do.
Don't sleep on wet hair. Can't do that."
"Maybe wear a hat sometimes.
Cover up some of that head."
"I'm sorry there's so much of it."
[audience laughs]
I think I'm pretty. I have a big head.
I know I do 'cause every guy I've ever
dated has made a point to be like,
- "I love your big head."
- [audience laughs]
That's my favorite thing guys do
when they compliment the thing
you hate most about yourself,
they're like, "I love your soft arms."
- You're like, "Okay.
- [audience laughs]
Yeah? I love your weird balls.
- How does it feel?
- [audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
- How does it feel to be accepted?"
- [audience chuckles]
- I'm a nightmare to date.
- [audience laughs]
Anything nice you do or say,
I'm just like, "Whatever."
I dated a guy once who told me that
flirting with me was like punching water.
[audience laughs]
And I was like,
"Why? 'Cause it's pointless
or 'cause you look stupid doing it?"
[audience laughs]
He's like, "Did you hear it?"
- I'm like, "I heard it that time. Yeah."
- [audience laughs]
And then he cheated on me,
so, you know, prophecy fulfilled!
[audience laughs]
I can't help it. At the beginning
of a relationship with a guy,
I just assume anything nice he does
is he a move he pulls on everybody
and I'm not gonna fall
for your choreography, sir.
- [audience laughs]
- I'm like, "Oh, is this...
is this your move?
- You open the car door for me on the date?
- [woman laughs]
Is this like your move?
[chuckles] This is how you do it?
That's cute. Bet that works a lot."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, is this... is this your move?
You go with me to my grandpa's funeral,
hold an umbrella over my head in the rain?
- [audience laughs]
- Is this like... Is this like your move?
- This is how you do it?
- [audience laughs]
Like, 'Whoops, don't get wet.'
'Oops! I am.' Whatever.
[audience laughs, cheers]
This ain't my first rodeo.
I used to have two grandpas."
[audience laughs]
[audience chuckles]
"Oh, is this...
- Is this your move?
- [audience chuckles]
You die next to me in a hospital bed
at 86 years old holding my hand
for all eternity?
Is this like your move?
This is how you get p*ssy?"
[audience laughs]
He's like,
"We've been together for 60 years."
I'm like, "You're a fuckboy and I know it!
[audience laughs]
Don't bury me with this guy. He's been
dying with other people behind my back.
- [audience laughs]
- I can't prove it.
Check his phone when he uses the bedpan."
[audience laughs]
- And that's why we're in therapy.
- [audience laughs]
People are scared to go to therapy
because they think it's someone
sitting in a chair going, "You suck."
But it's not. It's you in a chair going,
"I suck."
[audience laughs]
And then your therapist is like,
"That's great. Let's start there."
[audience laughs]
Therapy just helps you to get
to the bottom of why you're trash, okay?
You go into therapy and you're like,
"Here's all the stuff
that sucks about me."
And she goes, "Okay."
And she puts it all up on the wall
like you're solving a crime together.
- Fun!
- [audience laughs]
And then she gets some of that red string
that detectives use at home
when they've been thrown off the case
for going rogue
[audience laughs]
and she starts connecting
each crappy thing about you
to each one
of your corresponding childhood traumas,
and you're like, "Oh my God!
That's why I'm like this."
And she's like,
"That's why you're like this."
And you're like, "Am I fixed now?"
- And she's like, "God, no!
- [audience laughs]
No, no, no."
You're like, "Well, what do I do now?"
She's like, "Well, you keep coming back
in here every week
with your credit card." And you're like,
"What? Will I ever be fixed?"
She's like, "I don't know.
Bring your credit card!"
[audience laughs]
I've got to the bottom
of a lot of stuff in therapy.
I'm an emotional eater. I don't know
if anybody else identifies with that.
- [audience whoops]
- Cool. Seven people.
Everyone else is like, "No, we just eat
until we're almost full
and then we thank God
for the opportunity, okay."
[audience laughs]
"Food is just fuel for me."
If you're one of those,
f*ck right off, for real.
- [audience laughs]
- I'll refund your money.
- I don't need your support.
- [audience cheers]
I'm doing fine.
If you don't know
what an emotional eater is,
it just means you like eat
to cope with uncomfortable feelings.
So if I'm like sad or anxious or awake,
- I like to be eating to take the edge off.
- [audience laughs]
If you still don't know if that's you,
you can ask yourself a few questions
to find out.
Number one. When you eat nachos in public,
do you get kinda mad
that other people are there to see it?
[audience laughs]
Do you feel like nachos
should come with a privacy curtain? I do.
[audience laughs]
Have all the best meals of your life
taken place in your own car
around 11 p.m.?
- [audience laughs]
- Under a flickering streetlamp?
Have you ever eaten a brownie
while you felt okay
[audience laughs]
and wished you were sad
[audience laughs]
so that it tasted better?
[audience laughs]
Sounds like more than seven of us.
[audience laughs]
In therapy,
I figured out the day in my childhood
I became an emotional eater.
I was eight years old
and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen
and my dad came in and he goes,
"You're gonna want to put that bagel down.
I gotta tell you something."
And that's when he told me
that my mom had d*ed.
So somewhere in my brain,
something clicked, like,
"Oh, when you stop eating bread,
[audience laughs]
- people perish."
- [audience laughs]
I went back to fourth grade
like the angel of death.
Everyone's like, "Step on a cr*ck,
break your mother's back."
I'm like, "Stop eating bread,
now your mom's dead, dude.
[audience laughs]
They left out that second part but..."
I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell
you guys that because no one told me.
[audience laughs]
They pulled me aside
a year later at school.
Someone's like,
"Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be
struggling with a speech impediment."
I'm like,
[with lisp] "What's a speech impediment?
[audience laughs]
[with lisp] Are you sure
you have the right person, 'cause...
- I'm crushing it out there."
- [audience laughs]
And they're like,
"You didn't do anything wrong.
You just pronounce
your words a little differently,
like you say "sh" instead of "ss"
for your S's,
does that make sense? And I was like,
[with lisp]
"I'm pretty sure I would have noticed
- [audience laughs]
- if I said 'sh' instead of 'sh'.
- Hope you find who you're looking for.
- [audience laughs]
If you have any follow-up questions,
I'll be on the see-saw."
[audience laughs]
I know dead mom jokes
make people uncomfortable.
I know that and if you are uncomfortable,
I don't know what to say, you should've
worked harder so it was you up here.
[audience laughs, cheers]
No, honestly, I never want to make people
feel uncomfortable with that information.
So much so
that I used to lie to everybody.
Growing up, I used to tell everybody
that my parents were separated
so I wouldn't have to say my mom's dead.
And that worked very well
until recently a friend of mine found out
I had lied and she was very upset.
- [audience laughs]
- She was like, "Your mom's dead?
Taylor, you told me your parents
were separated."
And I was like, "Well, they were!
[audience laughs]
By Jesus."
[audience laughs]
Both her parents are alive, so she has
no idea how funny that is but...
- [audience laughs]
- She'll get it eventually, right?
- Like that joke is a slow burn.
- [audience laughs]
Kinda like cancer,
which is what got mine, hey oh!
[audience laughs]
Okay, alright.
[audience laughs]
[groans] Here's the deal, Boston.
[audience laughs]
We have another, like,
six minutes of dead mom jokes.
[audience laughs]
I know. You're getting like, "Whoa, no,
six minutes is a long time."
It won't feel long.
I have cushioned her, alright?
- [audience laughs]
- I have laid my dead mom to rest
in a beautiful casket of d*ck jokes
and pop culture references.
There's something for everybody
over the next six minutes.
You'll laugh, you'll cry,
you'll forget she's dead.
[audience laughs]
But I know a lot's happening
for you as a crowd right now
because you're like,
"Taylor, we're good people.
Good people wouldn't laugh at dead
mom jokes."
I'm here to tell you that if you're trying
to be a good person at a comedy show,
- you're wasting your God damn time.
- [audience laughs]
Trying to be a good person
at a comedy show
is like trying to recycle at a theme park.
You're already in here and part of the
problem, put your hands up and have fun.
[audience laughs]
And I know you're good people.
You're like,
"Taylor, we've known you for 25 minutes.
We hate that anything bad
ever happened to you even once."
Thank you so much, Boston.
But what you have to understand is
the bad thing already happened
and now I'm talking about it
into a microphone
- in front of people who paid to be here,
- [audience laughs]
which means now the bad thing is money.
[audience laughs]
Do you think I'd be this successful
at my age if I had a live mom?
[audience laughs]
[audience whoops]
- [shouts] f*ck no!
- [audience laughs]
I'd be a creative writing teacher
who loved myself
and I'd be sitting in the dark
with you pheasants, okay?
- [audience laughs]
- She's in heaven, I'm on Netflix,
it all worked out.
[audience cheers]
That is a real thing I said in therapy.
[audience laughs]
To which my therapist responded,
"You should come in twice this week."
[audience laughs]
Some people get sad
because I was eight when it happened.
But eight is a great time to lose a parent
because you're so stupid,
you barely know what's going on.
When I was eight, I was like,
the only people I know with dead moms
are Disney princesses.
[audience chuckles]
So like, this sucks
but am I about to get hot?
[audience laughs]
Then I hit puberty and I was like,
"Oh no, I guess God just hates me
right now, that's a bummer."
That's a joke. God doesn't hate anybody,
alright? Not anymore.
[audience laughs]
But have you read the Old Testament?
Holy sh*t.
[audience laughs]
The Old Testament is my favorite
Taylor Swift album.
- It is...
- [audience laughs]
It is banger after banger. Just like,
"You don't believe in me?
[in singsong voice]
Snakes! Look what you made me do."
[audience laughs]
I'm a 20-something white woman, obviously,
I'm gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord,
alright?
[audience laughs]
She is the only god I still believe in,
alright?
[audience cheers]
I don't see God God revamping his old sh*t
and let's be honest, he probably should
'cause the people who own it now suck.
[audience laughs, cheers]
It does grow you up very quickly,
losing a parent that young.
I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight
which means I saw a dead body years
before I saw a d*ck.
And that is not the order
that sh*t should go in
- [audience laughs]
- according to the American Girl Body book.
[audience laughs]
Although maybe it should be
'cause you know what's crazy? A d*ck?
- Way more traumatizing than your dead mom.
- [audience laughs]
Oh my God, it's so much worse.
I saw my mom, I was like,
"That lady used to make me snacks,
now she's very still."
I saw a d*ck for the first time,
I was like, "Oh my God!
Who took Jabba the Hutt's eyes?
[audience laughs]
You have done nothing for me. No, no, no.
No, I didn't say Beetlejuice
even one time!"
[audience laughs]
I haven't seen that many dicks
and I don't want to see any more
and it's nothing against men,
I'm attracted to you for some reason
but I swear to God,
every time you see a new d*ck, there
is an adjustment period, isn't there?
- [audience laughs]
- Just a real quick like...
[huffs deeply]
and we're back in it, alright.
[audience laughs]
I have stayed in relationships too long
'cause I just wasn't ready
to see a fresh one.
- I just couldn't
- [audience laughs]
couldn't wrap my head around it,
literally or figuratively.
I just... I just didn't have it in me,
couldn't have it in me.
- And...
- [audience laughs]
I don't care how many dicks you've seen,
every time you see a new d*ck,
it feels like jumping into a cold pool.
Just like, [nervously] "Alright,
let me just swim around,
get used to this one."
"Okay, alright, this one's deeper
than the last one but that's okay."
"That's alright. This is why
we take our arm floaties, you know,
for moments like these."
- [audience claps, cheers]
- [grunting]
Just control your breathing,
hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it.
[audience laughs]
I think of the genitalia
options available,
I think d*ck seem friendlier, you know.
They're up, they're happy to see you,
they're wagging, I've never had sex.
[audience laughs]
- It's like a front tail, right?
- [audience laughs]
I'll Google it, it's fine.
It's all speculation. I've never seen a
vag*na, not even my own, I'm a Christian.
- [audience laughs]
- But from what I hear,
it is very spooky down there.
It's just a dark spooky hole, like,
a hole? I'm sorry, what?
Every time someone fingers me, I'm like,
"You are very trusting, sir, because..."
- [audience laughs]
- "...I don't even know where that goes."
"That might be where I keep the bipolar.
That might be..."
[audience laughs]
"...where it has been... actually, if you see
any, could you scrape it out?"
- "Could you..."
- [audience laughs]
"...just like a mental health Pap smear?"
- "Can you just do..."
- [audience laughs]
Don't do that. Like,
you gotta hook your finger,
like when a baby's choking,
are you familiar?
If you do that, it'll push it in too far,
it's too late.
But if you hook your finger, you swipe it,
that's how you get it out.
[audience laughs]
I like doing that joke
because it goes too far
but you do learn something
that could save a life.
[audience laughs]
I just love the idea of years from now,
someone being like,
"If it weren't for that d*ck joke,
my niece would not be here."
[audience laughs]
The craziest thing that happened
is my mom d*ed of cancer.
- See? You almost forgot.
- [audience laughs]
And then my dad got remarried
and then our stepmom got cancer.
She's fine, don't worry.
I wouldn't do that to you twice.
- [audience laughs]
- That's God talking to my dad. And...
As soon as our stepmom got it,
me and my siblings were like, "Holy sh*t."
"Is Dad giving people cancer?"
[audience laughs]
We thought he was a carcinogen.
We were like,
"Don't microwave anything for him."
- [audience laughs]
- "I think that's how he's doing it."
If he had taken down a second one,
we would've put a warning
on his Christian Mingle account.
Like bare minimum, just like,
"Hey, chemicals in here
have been known to cause cancer."
- "Ride at your own risk."
- [audience laughs]
I feel like some people
don't believe me that she's alive.
She's completely fine, you guys.
She's happy, healthy, great lady.
We actually call my stepmom Mom
because when my dad married her,
nobody was using it.
So we were like,
"Yeah, be Mom, who cares."
[audience laughs]
Oh, I'm sorry, if your principal quit
and you got a new principal, they
wouldn't be like, "This is Lisa." Like...
[audience laughs]
Let her be principal, there is an opening.
[audience laughs]
Also, we were so young when it happened
and my dad got remarried so fast,
I think he was kinda hoping he could
just like Indiana Jones switch them out
- [audience laughs]
- before anybody noticed.
You know when you're a kid
and your hamster dies
and your parents
don't want to explain death to you
so they just buy you a new one
that looks the same
and they're like, "No, that's Connie, she
just bites now."
- [audience laughs]
- That's kinda what he did.
But with moms.
But I never used to talk about
any of that,
I never used to talk about my mom dying
because I didn't want
to make people uncomfortable
and also,
like most of us with childhood trauma,
should be pretty much everyone in here.
If you're sitting here tonight going,
"I don't think I have any,
I have great parents,
I had a good childhood
and this 'comedy show'?
It's not that fun for me."
- [audience laughs]
- Good.
[audience laughs]
I hope this is the worst night
of your whole life.
[audience laughs]
'Cause it sounds like
it's been smooth sailing
- [audience laughs]
- and you might need some perspective.
Most of us did have some childhood trauma
and when you get to be an adult,
you're like,
"Woo, made it!
Never have to think about that again.
Look at all my keys.
- The world's my oyster."
- [audience laughs]
And so you just start pushing all that
dark stuff that happened to you as a kid
down, down, down 'til you don't even
think about it anymore.
And that works for a long time.
[audience chuckles]
- Until one day,
- [audience laughs]
you stub your toe really hard on a curb
and you just start weeping uncontrollably
in the street
and you're like, "Okay,
this is about something else.
[audience laughs]
I was keeping all my trauma in that toe.
[audience laughs]
And then I jostled it
and now it's everywhere.
[audience laughs]
[whispering] Gone over here."
[audience laughs]
And if you don't deal with that stuff,
it's gonna keep affecting you in ways
you are not even conscious of.
I realized in therapy
that because my mom d*ed young,
I have this irrational belief
that I am also going to die young,
so I've been living
in a very intense unhealthy way
my entire adult life where I'm like,
I can't take a break,
I gotta be working all the time,
I have to hit these goals
and achievements, otherwise I'm nothing.
I got engaged a few years ago
'cause I was like,
"I gotta get married before I'm dead"
which is a super hot way to propose
to somebody.
[audience laughs]
I call it "The Walk to Remember,"
it's kinda my move and...
[audience claps]
It did not work out with my ex-fiancé.
I hate that I have to say that word now.
It sounds like a spell, doesn't it?
[shouting]
Just like, "Ex-fiancé!" It's terrible.
[audience laughs]
He and I are not friends,
not 'cause he's a bad person,
he's actually a very good person.
I don't know if you've dated someone
right before they find out they're bipolar
but it is what is known as
"The Lord's work."
[audience laughs]
I think I was a great partner
if nothing went wrong.
If nothing went wrong,
I was like, awesome.
But if one thing went wrong,
total nightmare. Like,
I was like those spikes you drive over
when you're returning a rental car.
Like as long as you keep moving forward,
everything's great.
But if you back up even a little,
I will slash all your tires.
[audience laughs]
And then be like, "What? I put up a sign."
[audience laughs]
And you're like, "I know, I mean, I know
I messed up a little but
like this reaction seems cra...
like other speed bumps don't react
like that." And I'm like,
"Then go be with her!"
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I,
because I think it's weird
when exes try to be friends
with each other and they're like,
"We'll hang out, we'll get fro yo."
You're like, "Fro yo?
I know what you taste like.
- I'm not gonna sample yogurt with you,
- [audience laughs]
you psycho.
Do they have Kevin after a run,
do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?"
They do, it's salted caramel, but still.
[audience cheers, claps]
I went back home
after I called off my engagement
for whatever holiday doesn't offend you
and...
[audience laughs]
a lot of my friends are settling down.
Some of them are just settling, period,
end of sentence.
[audience laughs]
You guys know those couples?
Everyone knows one couple like that
where like one person in the couple
is way hotter
and cooler than the other person
in the couple.
I like to call those couples
chocolate-covered raisins.
[audience laughs]
Because you're like sure, you could
put those two together, if you want.
[audience laughs]
But every time you see them, you're like,
"Chocolate, what are you doing?
[audience laughs]
You could've been with anybody.
You could've been with caramel,
you could've been with marshmallow,
you could've been with peanut butter,
who I heard cures depression,
[audience laughs]
and you want to be with raisin forever?
Like, no offense, raisin, you're great,
we love you, nature's candy, that's you.
But you belong with like oatmeal,
like, you know that, right?
This doesn't feel good,
right? Aren't you scared every day
that someone's gonna come along
and suck chocolate right off of you?
[audience laughs]
I love this joke
'cause I like to see couples in the
audience looking at each other like,
"Am I chocolate or raisin?
[audience laughs]
We're both chocolate, right, babe?
We're chocolate-covered chocolate?
We're like those little Lindor guys
in the foil, you know?
I'm the creamy part and you're the shell
[sobbing] 'cause you're so strong and
if you leave me, I'll be a mess."
[audience laughs]
Some of you are like,
"I am oatmeal and I am good with it."
[audience laughs]
I made the mistake of talking
to my happiest married friend
after I called off my engagement,
don't do that.
Your happiest married friend doesn't
remember what it's like to be heartbroken.
She's like,
"Well, what are you gonna do now?
You're gonna get back out there?
Are you seeing anybody?"
And I was like, "Nope, just gonna focus
on my career for a little bit."
And she's like,
"Well, why can't you focus on a career
and a relationship at the same time?"
- And I was like, "How do I explain this
- [audience chuckles]
in a way you might understand?
[muttering] Why can't
I focus on a career and a relationship?
Have you ever been on the freeway
in traffic and your lane stops
but the one next to you keeps moving,
so you get in the one that's moving,
and as soon as you get in the one
that's moving, that one stops
and the one next to you
starts moving again.
So you get back in that first one
'cause that one's moving now
and as soon as you get back
in that first one,
that one stops again
and the one next to you starts moving.
And after you go back and forth a few more
times, at a certain point, you're like,
"Okay. Is it f*cking me?"
[audience laughs]
And she's like,
"Yeah, I don't know if I get it
because you know, John and I,
we usually just boop,
get in the carpool lane.
[audience laughs]
And I was like, "Where's your baby?
Imma drop it!"
[audience laughs]
I actually did get into
a new relationship pretty quickly
after I called off my engagement.
I wasn't trying to, I really wasn't.
A lot of my friends were like,
"You should stay single for a while.
You should maybe get a cat."
And I was like, hard pass.
I have never left an interaction
with a cat feeling better about who I was.
[audience laughs]
Every cat reacts to people the way I react
to seeing girls
I went to middle school with in a Target.
Just like...
[audience laughs]
[shouts] Oh, no! Like that's every cat.
[audience laughs]
I don't want to come home to that energy.
[audience laughs]
But I wasn't looking for a relationship.
I was trying to have like a fun,
sexy fling
which doesn't usually go great for me
because I have this round wholesome face
that people think
they should build a life with.
[audience laughs]
Every time I'm like, "We could bone or
whatever." Guys are like, "No, I'm alright
but you could meet my mom,
do you want to do that?
You seem like you'd be better
at meeting my mom than having sex."
- And they are not wrong, alright?
- [audience laughs]
I will meet your mom all night long.
Moms like me so much for no reason.
I was dating a guy years ago, we were
totally on the rocks having problems,
and I went to lunch with his mom
hoping to get some advice,
and halfway through lunch,
she puts her hand on my hand
and goes, "You know, Taylor,
my son's a lot like his father.
[audience chuckles]
And if I could go back in time,
[audience laughs]
I don't know
that I'd marry his father again."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
And I was like, "Are you saving my life
in this Panera Bread right now?"
[audience laughs]
It was like a movie when
an older character sacrifices themselves
for the good of the journey,
like she Gandalfed me.
She was like, "Fly, you fool!"
[audience laughs]
She was a bad mom and a bad wife
but such a good friend,
- oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right?
- [audience laughs]
I think about her every day.
And my boyfriend wasn't looking
for a relationship either
when we met,
straight dudes usually aren't, you know.
Women are surprised
when they find a guy who can make them cum
and straight dudes are surprised when
they find a girl
who can make them
feel genuine feelings in their heart.
Like women are like,
"He got me off three times."
And guys are like, [in low voice] "I mean,
I just f*cking like her, dude.
[audience laughs]
[in low voice] Like we talked all day,
I didn't want to hit her, it was nuts!
[audience laughs]
She's just like my friend. I don't know,
I want to like lick her heart, I think."
[audience laughs]
Straight dudes are so proud of themselves
for falling in love. It's really cute.
They're like, [in low voice] "I love you.
Hell yeah, buddy,
I knew you could get there."
[audience laughs]
Women fall in love,
we're like, "I love you.
[whispering]
f*cking again? You dumb bitch.
[audience laughs]
You were supposed to love you first,
- you keep skipping that part!
- [audience laughs]
It is eat, pray, then love!
[audience laughs]
Oh my God. It's okay, we'll try again
in a year and a half."
[audience laughs]
My boyfriend is seven years older than me
'cause I needed to get back
on my dad for some stuff.
[audience laughs]
Older guys are just better.
They're just better, you never
have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol,
- they just have it in the house.
- [audience laughs]
They pull it out after dinner
like a nightcap,
like, "You want some pink juice,
baby girl?"
You're like, "Yes, I would, cheers."
[audience laughs]
Older guys don't call
you things like "cute" or "hot."
They call you things like
"stunning, gorgeous," sh*t with syllables,
things that would take a 20-something guy
a little while to settle down.
[audience laughs]
And older guys aren't like, cute
or hot either. You know, they're handsome,
distinguished, like old pictures of your
grandpa you shouldn't look at too long.
[audience laughs]
You ever find one of those
in an old dusty box?
You're like, "Who is that?
- Oh, that's wrong. Okay."
- [audience laughs]
They're not your family
in those pictures yet.
They're just the past, it is a gray area.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I'll get weirder.
You ever see a picture of your parents
when they were young and hot?
And you get like weirdly mad
'cause you know
they would've never dated you?
[audience laughs]
I saw a picture of my dad
in college football once.
I didn't talk to him for three weeks.
I'm like, "You would've left me at a
drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of sh*t!"
[audience laughs]
He's like, "What?" I'm like,
"I can't hug you for a year
and I don't want to talk about it."
[audience laughs]
It's always awkward getting
into a new relationship, though,
especially right after
you called off an engagement
because you don't feel like you can say
any cheesy romantic crap ever again.
Even if you feel it, you just feel like
you're a jinx.
So when the next person is like,
"I wanna be with you forever."
You're like,
"Oh, wouldn't that be something?
[audience laughs]
I can't... I can't use the F-word anymore
but I just need to build
my credit back up but...
- [audience laughs]
- samesies, bro, for sure."
New relationships are awkward
'cause you gotta tell a whole
new person what you like in bed
and the only reason you know
what you like in bed
is 'cause someone
else did it to you first.
- [audience laughs]
- But you can't say it like that, right?
You gotta do that
cute little tap dance of like,
"Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun
that's never even occurred to me before?"
"You know what your body
is inspiring me to do right now?"
But in your head, you're just like,
- "Do it like Craig. Could you just..."
- [audience laughs]
"Do it how Craig did it every time?"
"Craig didn't do sh*t right,
he did that right, let me tell you."
"Can we just call him?"
- "Can we just call him and ask?"
- [audience laughs]
"It's not a big deal,
we're all adults here."
"Remember
we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?"
"It's just like that, babe. He's just
a voice on the phone with the password."
- [audience laughs]
- "That's all he is to me now."
"No, I did block his number
when you asked me to, of course I did."
"But when you block a number,
your phone kinda just saves
it in a different folder."
[audience laughs]
Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car,
not everybody knew that.
[audience laughs]
You have to be able to talk about
what you like in bed
and you have to know
what you can and can't say,
alright? Like I've been telling guys for
years I like it a little rougher in bed.
I don't say it like that, I say like,
- "Oh, I'm damaged," you know.
- [audience laughs]
If you're a straight guy, don't say that.
If a straight dude's like,
[in low voice] "I'm damaged,"
f*cking run! That guy...
that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So...
[audience laughs]
Sometimes you think you like something
and you don't.
I thought I like dirty talk, turns out,
I just like dirty phrases
we agreed upon earlier.
[audience laughs]
You ever tell someone you like dirty talk
and then they hit you
with something in bed
and you're like, "Nah,
that was not approved by corporate, no."
[audience laughs]
I was having sex with a guy once,
I was on top and he just went,
[shouting] "Look at you!"
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs, cheers]
- Like I was taking my first steps.
- [audience laughs]
I'm like,
"You better get the camcorder, daddy,
'cause I am never getting up here again."
[audience laughs]
My parents don't watch me
do stand-up anymore, don't worry.
[audience laughs]
Don't worry, they're not interested.
No Christian parents want
to watch their daughter
talk about depression and d*ck
for an hour. It's not fun for them.
[audience laughs]
My parents don't have
a dark sense of humor
and I do, and I'm glad I do because
if you can laugh at the darkest stuff
that's ever happened to you
while it's still
actively happening to you,
sometimes that's what gets you through it.
For example,
here's a joke they will not like.
[audience laughs]
Did you guys know that sometimes
when you call a su1c1de hotline
and the call drops,
they do not call you back?
[audience laughs]
Yeah, you think
that'd be the time for star 69
but sometimes they just ring a bell
in the cubicle,
like, "Lost another one, that's lunch!"
[audience laughs]
Some of you are tensing up like,
"Did that really happen?" Yeah,
a few years ago
and it was f*cking hilarious.
I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel,
like, "Did this bitch just ghost me while
I'm trying to ghost myself?"
- "That is..."
- [audience laughs]
"I mean, I've been left on read,
I've never been left for dead."
"That's a new one."
- [audience laughs]
- "That is brutal."
I wasn't even mad. For all I know,
that's how they train those volunteers.
Like, "Hey, some nights,
- we get too many calls.
- [audience laughs]
Fridays are big for us,
in those situations,
you're just gonna have to use
your best judgment,
alright? Like I usually wait
for like a privileged white girl name,
like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor.
Those are the salmon I throw back
and hope they swim upstream on their own."
[audience laughs]
Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do,
hop on Yelp? Like,
"One star, totally k*lled myself.
[audience laughs]
You're gonna wish I k*lled myself
after this review."
[audience laughs]
I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago
and there was a girl, white, my age
in the crowd who goes,
[shouting]
"And the wait times are ridiculous!"
[audience laughs]
And she's right, okay? I think,
personally,
I think if you are a frequent caller,
there should be
some sort of rewards program.
You know,
like when you show loyalty to an airline.
Like, you should be
able to do that with su1c1de hotlines
where you call in and they're like,
[in robotic voice]
"Please enter your rewards number."
Boop, boop, boop.
"Welcome back... [sobbing] Taylor.
[audience laughs]
Thank you
for your diamond medallion status.
You are now third in line.
Would you like to use an upgrade
and kick someone else out?
[audience laughs]
My parents are still very, very religious.
My dad was so religious growing up,
he used to insist on praying out loud
in restaurants before we ate dinner,
which is fine if you're into that
but keep it short.
- [audience laughs]
- He wouldn't do that.
He would do long,
drawn-out prayers full of personal details
that none of us signed off on at the table
which made puberty pretty rough
with your dad in public just like,
"Thank you Lord for this food.
Thank you for bringing us here together.
[shouting]
Thank you that Taylor's a woman now
and is getting the help she needs
in math." I'm like,
"Can you not tell this Chipotle
that I'm bleeding and can't subtract?
[audience laughs]
I think God knows."
It's why I don't feel bad telling jokes
about my parents on stage now
'cause anytime they're like,
"Do you have to air our dirty laundry
in front of strangers?"
I'm like, "Hometown Buffet, 1998.
[audience laughs]
You told everyone
within a five-booth radius
that I shat my pants the night before.
[audience laughs]
- I can say whatever I want.
- [audience laughs]
I'm not religious anymore.
I have had some friends find religion as
adults recently which is very upsetting.
- [inhales deeply]
- [audience laughs]
If you grew up religious and
you're not anymore and your adult friends
find religion, it feels like God
is your shitty ex-boyfriend
who's now getting it together
for your friend
and you just have to watch it happen
on Facebook.
They're like,
"Have you met God? He's amazing."
I'm like, "Yeah, I grew up with God,
he's a douchebag, alright?
Did he tell you you were broken
and you need him?
- That's his move. That's what he does.
- [audience laughs]
He says that to everybody.
Don't drink what he gives you.
You drink that, the next thing you know,
you're eating his body, the holy spirit's
inside you, it's a whole system they have
- over at that frat house they call church.
- [audience laughs]
- Who else uses Roman numerals?"
- [audience laughs]
That joke makes it sound
like I resent my religious upbringing
and I do, so I nailed it. But...
[audience cheers, claps]
No, honestly,
if I had to come up with some stuff
that was like positive
about my growing up religious,
I'm sure I could with enough time
and money but...
[audience laughs]
I do have some issues with it.
It gave me some serious trust issues
and it just made me weird,
growing up in church,
in ways that I am still discovering.
For example, I just found out
that I masturbate wrong.
[audience laughs]
I will back up. Okay, so...
[audience laughs]
When I was growing up in church,
kids had youth group and at youth group,
they were like,
"Don't have sex." And we were like,
"For sure, for sure."
And then, they were like,
"Don't even masturbate."
And all the girls were like, "Okay,
we didn't even know that we could."
- [audience laughs]
- And all the boys were like, "Why?"
- And...
- [audience laughs]
the way they explained it to us was,
our youth pastor told us, he goes,
"It's not the physical act of masturbating
that's the sin, you guys, alright?
It's not even the orgasm.
In fact, if you have a wet dream,
thank God for the freebie
and have an awesome day.
[audience laughs]
But what are you thinking about
while you're doing that to yourself, guys?
[scattered laughs]
That's what the sin is.
It's the lust in your heart.
It's the impure thoughts in your head.
That is what the sin is."
So when I got to be an adult and I wanted
to masturbate, I was like, "Well,
if I just don't think about anything,
[audience laughs]
I could probably still go to heaven,
right?
Just like, clear your mind, get in there,
get it done,
- see you soon, Jesus, right?
- [audience laughs]
Touch nothing but the lamb."
[audience laughs]
[audience claps, cheers]
So I've been doing this
my entire adult life.
All my friends are like, "You gotta
meditate." I'm like, "I think I do."
[audience laughs]
And I do mean my entire adult life,
by the way. I did not masturbate
until I was a grown woman.
I was that afraid of going to hell,
alright?
Yeah. I had my first orgasm
with my college boyfriend.
Do you know how embarrassing that is to
get your first orgasm from another person?
That's like having a realtor
show you your own house.
[audience laughs]
They're like, "And over here,
we have a second bathroom."
- You're like, "A second bathroom?"
- [audience laughs]
"You've been here for 19 years,
you never went poking around on your own?"
You're like, "I did once
but I thought Jesus would get mad,
- [audience laughs]
- so yeah, I don't actually own this place,
I'm just renting it from the guy upstairs,
and...
if I flood the basement, I do not
get my security deposit back, so...
[audience laughs]
Is there anything else I should see
while you're here?"
She's like, "Yeah, let me
show you the doorbell."
I'm like,
"Oh, is the doorbell even important?"
She's like, "The doorbell
is the only thing that matters.
[audience laughs, claps]
Nobody comes inside
without touching the doorbell."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, but I did touch it."
"You didn't
use enough pressure, it didn't light up."
[audience laughs]
So I've been masturbating like this
my entire adult life
and I recently mentioned it
to a friend of mine
and you ever say something out loud
and realize you never should have ever?
[audience laughs]
I said it so casually over brunch,
didn't even think about it. I was like,
"Oh yeah, I mean, I don't think
about anything while I do that."
And she was like, "What?"
She put her fork down. "What?
[audience laughs]
You don't think about anything?"
And I was like,
"Oh, no,
I mean, I think some stuff, obviously.
And she was like,
"What do you think about?"
And I was like, "Oh, you know, just like,
'almost there, making good time.'
[audience laughs]
You know, just like road trip thoughts,
like...
'keep your hands steady,
don't fall asleep.
Can't wait to get there so I can eat.
[audience laughs]
Better hurry up, Taco Bell's gonna close, '
you know."
[audience laughs]
And she was like,
"That is so weird, Taylor,
why don't you just watch p*rn
like a normal person?"
And I was like, "Ugh, I don't like p*rn."
Every time I try to watch p*rn,
I'm just like,
"You gotta shave there, too?
- [audience laughs]
- I'm tired and I'm cold."
And I'm not against p*rn, okay?
I'm not one of these people that's like,
"If you watch p*rn,
it will ruin your relationship."
I don't feel that way, alright?
I dated a guy once
who was really into massage p*rn
where the masseuse would like f*ck
their client at the end
which means sometimes when we had sex,
I get a massage!
[audience laughs, cheers]
That's an example of p*rn working for you!
[audience laughs]
But my friend was like horrified.
She was like, "Taylor,
- this like monk masturbation thing you do,
- [audience laughs]
it is so much creepier and weirder
than any p*rn I've ever seen
and I've seen most of it."
[audience laughs]
And she goes, "There are so many different
options p*rn-wise on the internet now,
you... just go home and Google
'p*rn for women' okay?
Just do it, I promise, 'p*rn for women.'"
And so I went home
and I googled p*rn for women
so I wouldn't be weird at brunch.
[audience laughs]
And a lot of surprising things came up
when I googled it.
First thing that came up
when I googled p*rn for women
was a link to Disney Plus
where all the Avengers movies are.
- Now...
- [audience laughs]
For me, personally, they jump around
too much. There's too many storylines.
You're almost there with Loki and now
we're on Captain America? It's like,
I have to start over.
That's a different speed, a different
pressure and now there's a raccoon?
- No.
- [audience laughs]
The second thing that came up
when I googled p*rn for women
was a website where real-life couples
are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah,
real-life couples are like,
"Hey, we're so happy and in love,
we thought that we would film ourselves
making love
and then put it online for you,
a lonely person.
- [audience laughs]
- Is it working? Are you wet?"
And you're like,
"Not in the right place, no.
[audience laughs]
But congratulations,
what you have seems really special."
[audience laughs]
The last thing that came up
when I googled p*rn for women
I did not know existed,
it's something called audio p*rn.
It's exactly what it sounds like.
There's no visual aspect, it's all audio.
It's not really a p*rn star,
it's more like a p*rn voice actor
talking you through a sexy situation.
It's like a podcast
except don't listen while you're driving.
[audience laughs]
And because it's "for women,"
that just means there's a story, right?
- Anyone can watch, they don't check.
- [audience laughs]
They don't just hop on the mic like,
[shouting]
"Now it's out, bitch!" Like they
ease you into it.
And so the one I found is 20 minutes long.
I will send it to you if you DM me.
[audience laughs]
And the first 12 minutes,
the story, is just a man calming you down
[audience laughs]
after you've been in a car wreck.
[audience laughs]
That is the foreplay.
[audience laughs]
And you guys, I came so hard. I...
[audience laughs, claps]
I mean,
I didn't even make it to the sex part.
It was the comfort alone.
He's like, "It's okay,
take some deep breaths, don't worry."
"The insurance companies
will figure it out."
I'm like, "Oh my God, that's right!"
[shouting] "That's why we have insurance!"
By the time he was like, "What else
can I do? Should I go down on you?"
I was like, "Nah, man, I got Allstate,
I'm in good hands."
[audience laughs]
Thank you so much, Boston,
you were absolutely amazing.
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you so much.
I can't tell you, I really appreciate you.
Thank you.
- [upbeat music]
- [audience cheers]
You guys were amazing.
Thank you so much, seriously.
[audience claps, cheers]
[upbeat music continues]
Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3