03x05 - Just What I Needed

[bunniefuu]

MIKE: Mrs. Wilkes is having
trouble with her daughter.

You have a real knack
with people who've
lost their way.

You asked me
to help your daughter.

There's a thing
called accountability,

and you need
to open up an account.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I know
I'm gonna regret this.

Oh, quit being a baby.

Come on, man.
I need your
honest opinion.

It's time for me to take
Sounds and Grounds Coffee
to the next level.

Oh, you mean
make it drinkable?

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Come on,
this is Cold Brew, man.

This is the
next generation
of coffee.

Are you high?
It's coffee.

It doesn't need a new gimmick.
It does two things.

It keeps you awake,
and it makes you sh*t.

That's it.

Man, it's sad
how simple-minded
you are.

Ben, please try this.

Okay.

Mm.

Right?

Tastes like coffee.
Really cold coffee.

Okay, Loudermilk.

All right,
all right, fine.

Does it have to be
in a sh*t glass?

It's like eating ice cream
out of a pita pocket.

[LAUGHS]

Pita pocket.
Come on, now.

Well?Hm.

Smoky, balanced acidity
with a subtle yet complex hint
of bitterness and sweetness.

That...
That's perfect.

Smoky, balanced...

I gotta say,
it doesn't suck.

Mm-hmm.
It's definitely
doing its job.

Waking you up?Nope. The other thing.

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

All right, then.
Next week will be

the last class
before midterms,

so have your
questions ready.

All right, off you go, now.

Was I snoring?

No.

sh*t. What did I miss?

So, so much.

f*ck. Really?

Yeah.Oh, God.

Don't worry.
You can copy my notes.

I think I got most of it.

[LAUGHS]
That's great.

I particularly, um, love
the shading on the balls.

Yeah?[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Kiss-ass Andy
kiss-assed the entire time.

Oh, and we got to hear
about the time that Obama

came to his
seventh grade class

and told him
that he had promise.

What a dork.

I'm sure Obama
says that to everybody.

Yeah, poli-sci majors
are such narcissists,
almost as bad as pre-med.

What's your major?

Uh, Pre-med.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, I'm going
this way, so...

Oh, I'm Claire.

Oh, yes, I know.

I've been sitting
next to you all semester.

I'm Ryan.Yes, I know.

Do you live
in the dorms?

God, no.
I was banned
freshman year.

Really?Mm-hmm.

It's a long story.

I would love
to hear about it
some time.

What are you doing
this weekend?

Um, nothing, really.

Uh, work.
Cramming for midterms.

Well, if you wanna
hang out or something...

No f*cking way.

Uh, yeah, well...

At least you didn't
pepper-spray me.

Oh, no,
that wasn't about you...

Hello, Claire.

Mom, what are
you doing here?

I signed up
for a creative writing class

through the university
extension program.

I told you about this
weeks ago.

Yeah, but I thought
those classes happened

under the dark
cover of night.

Nope.

So...

Aren't you going to
introduce me to your friend?

Nope.

I'm Ryan Caldwell.
Nice to meet you,
Claire's mom.

Please, call me Judith.Okay.

Um, I'm gonna jet.
Nice to see you, Claire.

See you soon.
Nice to meet you, Judith.

Mom, I know
what you're thinking.

Just stop.
It's nothing.

He's very polite,

and that's all
I'll say for now.

Mm. And handsome.

Mom.

Okay, I'm done.
I'm just happy
you're dating.

Thank you.

I'm glad
we ran into each other.
Do you have a minute?

I'm actually...
I'm running late for work.

My professor
assigned the class

to write a short story
about something
personal to us.

I'm wondering
if I went too deep.

Would you mind
reading mine?

I could really
use your opinion.

Uh, I don't know.
I'm not a writer, Mom,

and I'm really busy
with work and school.

Please, Claire.

[SIGHS]

Okay, fine.
But give me a few days.

Thanks.
Let me find it.

Can I grab this later?
I'm gonna miss my bus.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We've been workshopping
stories in class.

There are
so many in here.
Found it.

All right, anybody else
have a problem?

I feel like I'm on a roll.

I got a problem,
and it's a tough one.

Go ahead, Mugsy.

I had some of the kids
over last night,

and little Gerald
needed help
with his homework,

and I couldn't
even do it.

That's not the kind
of problem that
I was talking about.

I feel like an idiot.
I can't even do
third grade math.

TONY: Don't feel bad.
There was a whole game show

about being dumber
than a third grader.

Wasn't that Are You Smarter
than a 5th Grader?

Never mind.
You're a f*cking idiot.

[GRUNTS]

So I don't know what to do.

I'm supposed to go
to career day

for Gerald's class
and talk about my job?

Does anybody
have a problem,
problem?

Um,
what's the rule again
about dating?

How long into your sobriety
are you supposed to wait?

Well, nine months,
at least.

NEW GUY: You know, personally,
I recommend two to three years

of celibacy
to really be ready,
but I waited five.

I bet ya that
wasn't on purpose.

[LAUGHS] f*ck you.

Who's the unlucky guy,
Claire?

Someone from school.

He's a really good guy,

and he's totally
got his sh*t together.

sh*t together
as in he doesn't sleep

in a cardboard box
under a freeway overpass?

No.

As in he's pre-med.

Oh, boy.

You know all pre-meds
are narcissists, right?

So?

I'd date a narcissist.

Or an arsonist.
[LAUGHS]

Or anyone, really.
God, I'm so...

f*cking lonely, you know?
But...

Okay, well,
he's not a narcissist,

and I think
he really likes me.

He wants to ask me out.

But I'm kind of nervous.
I don't know how to do this.

Do what?

Well, how do I tell him
about my past

without scaring him off?

Oh, you mean
all that lesbo action?

Hell, I'd lead with that.

No, assh*le.

The...meth
and stripping stuff.

I'm with Ed. Don't be afraid
to be completely revealing.

It's sexy, but I'd tell him
about the stripping,

you know,
before the meth.

I disagree.
Meth before stripping.

That's the natural
order of things.

You know,
I did tons of meth,
and I never stripped.

But I once did
give a guy a hand-job

in an alley
with my shirt off.

His idea.

There's a lot
of freaks out there.

You know,
I never thought
I'd say this,

but Tony's half-right.

I think just be honest
with the guy, Claire,

and if he's got
his sh*t together,

then he can handle
your history.

"Does not meet
our current publishing needs."

You don't know
what f*cking publishing needs.

It's why the industry's dying.

Hey, Loudermilk.

Can you do me a favor?

If it's to pose nude
for one of your
sketch classes, ask Ben.

Eww.

You having a bad day?

A typical day.
I got another rejection.

That sucks.

Maybe you should rewrite it
and resubmit it.

How can I rewrite it
if I have somebody squatting
in my office all the time?

Besides, it doesn't need
to be rewritten.

It needs to be read
by someone
who's not an idiot.

I see.

Well, could you
please help me out?

My mom's taking
a writing class,

and she gave me short story
of hers to read.

Wait, really?

Your mother doesn't strike me
as the artistic type.

I would think
more an attorney
or a truant officer.

Anyway, I'm swamped
with school and work.
I don't have time.

Do you think
you could read it for me,

maybe just give,
like, a couple notes?

Well, it depends.
How nice do I have to be?

Not at all.Oh, that I can do.

[EXHALES]
Here.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?What's it look
like I'm doing?

I'm taking stock of all
the mugs that Claire stole.

You're losing it, dude.

She took my
"World's Greatest Dad" mug.

That was a gift...

From my dad to himself.

Oh, hey, don't forget.
I need you to pick me up
at 2:00 today.

What? Where?My dentist. Remember?

I'm having
my wisdom teeth yanked.

Aren't you a little
old for that?

Well, it's complicated.

While I have
Ben Kingsley's hairline,

I have the teeth
of a six-year-old.

Anyway, they said I need
someone to bring me home.

You know, like an escort.

Escort. Okay, well,
I'm $150 an hour,

and no kissing
on the lips.On the lips.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I lobbed that one
up to you, didn't I?

Kind of low-hanging fruit.

[APPLAUSE]

Fascinating.

Now, children, do you
have any questions
for Sadie's dad?

How long did you
have to go to school
to become a scientist?

Well, that's an
excellent question.

Thank you.
Let me see.

Four years at MIT,
then another four at Cal Tech,

plus my internship
and residency,

so all in all,
it was about
ten extra years

of school for me
to earn my doctorate.

Whoa. That's a lot of school.

Thank you, Dr. Fairchild.

We are so lucky
to have a recipient

of the Kyoto Prize in advanced
technology with us here today.

Thank you.

Okay, so next up,
we have Gerald's dad.

Mr. Bennigan?

Uh, shouldn't we, like,

stop for a snack
or something?

It just feels like the kids
could really just, you know,

get a break, you know,
especially after hearing that.

And I can come back
next week, and...

No, no.
That's not necessary.

Please, go ahead.

Okay.

Uh, hey, all right, ha.

Um, hi. Ha.

As you can see,
I am not a biogenetic-y

Bob Nye the Science Guy
like Mr. Fairchild.

Doctor.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Fairchild the doctor.

Did you also have to go
to school for ten years?

Yes. In fact, I went to
school for exactly ten years.

Tell them what you do, Dad.

Okay. Well,
you're all familiar

with raccoons
and squirrels and skunks...

I was a skunk for
Halloween!

Really? Okay.
Well, that's cute.

Well, sometimes,
parents don't want skunks

knocking on their door,
so they call me,

and I come over,
and I k*ll it.

You k*ll skunks?

Yeah, yeah.
I k*ll skunks.

I k*ll possums.
I k*ll rats.

Anything
with four legs or more,

I will come over
to your house,
and I will k*ll it.

Well, actually,
the scientificky term

is exterminate.
Isn't that right, Doc?

[STAMMERS] I-I-I...It is.

It's exterminate.
In fact,

I'm gonna spell it for you.

Um, exterminate.

Um...

Okay, well, anyway,
you get the idea.

And it's really a nice job.

I like it.
The money's good.

When I'm out on my own,
I'm kind of my own boss.

And, um...

Hey, you mentioned Halloween.

It is sort of like
Halloween
for the animals.

I give the animals
a very special candy,

and they go back
to their nest

and they give it
to their whole family.

You give
the whole family candy?

Yeah. Even the babies.

Yeah.

Oh, and you know how,
like, sometimes,

like, if you eat
too much candy,

like after Halloween,

you get, like, a tummy ache.

Well, they feel much,
much worse.

And they're not gonna be
knocking on your door anymore.

Ha. So are there
any questions?

What kind of person
kills animals for a living?

That is
an excellent question.

A licensed exterminator.

You're a psychopath!

How do you sleep at night?

[CLASS BOOING]

Shut the f*ck up!

That's my dad.

Show him some respect.

[HEARTFELT MUSIC]

Hi, um, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm here to pick up Ben Burns.

Is he ready?
My meter's running.

We've been trying
to call you.

Oh, well, I probably
wasn't checking my phone.

Why not?

Is it some kind of rule
of being on the planet

that I have to constantly
check my phone?

When you're his
"in case of emergency"
person, there is.

So what's the emergency?

Mr. Loudermilk,

I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Is he dead?

No, no.
God no.

But his wisdom teeth
were deeply impacted,

and he had to be given
additional medication.

We gave him a t*nk and a half,
and since he came to,

he's been very talkative
and erratic.

Okay, well, yeah,
that lines up.

[AS THE GODFATHER]
Loudermilk.

Look at the m*ssacre
of my teeth.

He's been doing
Godfather impersonations

for the past hour...
Parts I and II.

Please get him out of here
before he starts doing III.

All right,
I got it from here.

Whoever comes to you
with this Barzini meeting...

He's the traitor.

Don't forget that.

LOUDERMILK:
I got you home safe.
My job is done.

BEN: [IN NORMAL VOICE]
Need you to tuck me in.

No.

Can you read me
a story?

f*ck off.

[BEN CRYING]

f*ck me.

[SIGHS]

All right,
this ought to put
you right to sleep.

Oh, what is it?

Uh, Being a Woman.

It's some short story
Claire's mom wrote.

Oh."Joanne stood naked

"in front of the mirror.

"She examined
every inch of her body,

"the memory of his firm
touch still lingering.

"Did she look different
since the tryst?

"Smell different?

"Henry would be home soon,
and she needed to shower.

"As she let the hot water
run down her breasts,

"she closed her eyes
and tried to wash away
the sins

"of what had just happened
in the pizza parlor restroom."

[SNORING]

"But it was impossible.

"Her mind kept returning
to his throbbing muscle

"thrusting into her
as she clutched

"the stall door for support,

"his broken English
and the distant jukebox

"muffling her groans
of pain and delight."

What the f*ck?

So med school.

That's exciting.
Are you ready for that?

Not quite.

I think I still have
some partying
to get out of my system.

And then, actually,
I plan on taking

a year off
after graduation.

Kind of traveling
the world

before I stuck in a lab
for six years, you know?

I spent my junior year
of high school in Europe,

and pretty much lived
in the museums.

It was awesome...

From what I can remember.

I think I was wasted
the entire time.

[LAUGHS]
That's awesome.

I can totally picture you
sitting in Paris

in a little cafe
with a beret on,

eating croissants,
sipping wine.

Yeah, not exactly sipping.

Ooh, speaking of which,
let's split a bottle.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hi, can we have a bottle
of the Brunello?

Uh...Don't worry.

It's really good.Great choice.

I'll be right back.

Um, about that...

What are you
gonna have?

Hmm. Yeah...

I mean, you're gonna have
the spaghetti and meatballs.

Oh, yeah.[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I'll probably have
something with lots
of carbs and cheese,

which is just about
everything on the menu.

Yeah, that is awesome.
I love that.

A girl who eats real food,
not just avocado toast

with Brussels sprouts
and a bone broth chaser.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

[FOLKSY MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]

♪ ♪

Mm. It's great.

Thank you.

Um...

Oh, do you not like reds?

No, no, actually,
the opposite.

I like them a little
too much.

WAITER: Enjoy.

Um...

I don't drink.Oh.

I probably should've
told you sooner.

I just... I didn't know
how or when
to say something.

It's totally cool.

Totally fine.

All good.

Um, just so
we're on the same page,
you are sober.

For two years, ten months,
and a week, to be exact.

Well, I mean,
I don't have to drink this.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
you go ahead.

I actually like
watching people drink.

Meth was more my jam,
anyway.

Meth?Yeah.

Yeah. Just, um,

trying to be open
and honest here.

Um, wow, crazy.

A-any other dr*gs?

Um...

I mean, there was...

Should we get some
appetizers?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool.Let's get an appetizer.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Uh, I'm just reclaiming
what's mine.

I get it.
She does the same thing
with my ottomans.

[LAUGHTER]

Is Claire home?

I need to pick up
something from her.

No, she's out somewhere.

I think she's on a date.

Oh. Okay.

You want me
to pass on a message?

Uh, no, thanks.
Nothing important.

I gave her a short story
I wrote recently.

She said she had
some notes for me.

I have to turn
it in soon, so...

Yeah, your story,
I read it.

You did?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Um...

Oh, don't be.

I gotta say,
it was pretty good.

Best decaf in town.

You have quite
the eclectic place.

Oh, thank you.
I might go into
interior design

if the janitorial gig
doesn't work out.

You know,
it just occurred to me.

This is my
first time here.Mm.

Claire and I weren't exactly
on the best of terms

when you were roommates.

Well, for most of the time,

she and I weren't
on the best of terms, either.

I don't think
I've ever thanked you

for what you did for her.

For our family, really.

You were a godsend.
Literally.

Father Michael
brought us together,
remember?

Yeah, I don't know
if I'd call that a godsend.

Wow.

You sure do have
a lot of vinyl.

I used to have more.

I'd get about five
or six a week

from the record companies
back when I reviewed them.

I used to have
so many albums
when I was a kid.

Huh.I would just
lay on my bed

for hours playing music.

That was me, too.
I'd wake up on a Saturday,

throw a record on,
spend the whole second side

trying to figure out
what I'd play next,

and just keep going
till my mom came down,

kicked me outside
to go play.

[LAUGHS]

Pool.
Never heard of them.

Pool?

Huh.

Throw it on.

Let's hear some music.

[BALLADIC ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This is nice.

Yeah, this is really nice.

I'm shocked
I don't remember it.

No, I meant this.

You and me talking
like civilized people.

Every time I saw
you before, it was...

Well, we were
dealing with issues.

Yeah.
We were, weren't we?

This is way better,
and, you know,

we don't have
Father Mike in between us.

♪ ♪

So...

Did you think it was
too dark?

What?

Oh. My short story.

Oh, no.
Uh-uh, no.

Not at all.

No, I thought it
was just dark enough.

It made it really...
Really sexy.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I can see
where you might find

the sexual symbolism in it.

I'd call that
a little more
than symbolism.

Well, thanks.
I'm so happy you liked it.

I've never shared
my writing with anyone,
until now.

You're kidding me.No.

So...you think
I've got potential?

You know what you have
is that you're brave.

That's half the battle
right there.

You're not afraid
to put yourself out there.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.

You have no idea

how nice that is to hear.

Claire's father
wasn't exactly supportive

of my creative endeavors,

so I was always reluctant

to expose myself like that.

You shouldn't be.

You should just
keep on exposing yourself.

♪ ♪

♪ You make me feel

♪ When I'm alone ♪

This is f*cking weird.

So f*cking weird.

♪ So I blame
it on my heart

[SENSUAL MOANING]

♪ And why I always
fall apart

♪ 'Cause I get too excited

♪ Too excited

♪ What am I gonna do? ♪

Sam?

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Sorry about that.

[BOTH MOANING]

Hey, what's up?

Not much.

Yeah, so listen, um...

I'm really sorry
for not telling you
sooner.

You know, about my past.

How could you
tell me sooner?

We're just getting
to know each other.

Fair enough.

Um, anyway, I just hope
it didn't freak you out.

No. Not really.

I mean,
maybe a little.

Yeah, it usually does,

which is why I don't typically
broadcast it to the world.

No one in college
wants to date
a boring sober chick.

Claire, you're not...
You're not boring.

I think
you're a really great girl.
I just... I don't know.

I have a lot
going on right now, and...

So it did freak you out.

I don't know.
I really like you.

I just... your past
is kind of a lot
to deal with.

You're not dealing with it.
I'm dealing with it.

Right, yeah.
No, I know. I just...

It's not really
a world that I know,

or ever really
expected to be in.

It's like, you're,
like, kind of like
this Courtney Love

type girl,
and I guess I'm looking more
for like a Courtney Cox.

Who's that?

You don't watch Friends? Uh-uh.

See, we're just so different.

Why don't you just say it?

You don't want to date
a recovering addict.

Well, if I'm being
completely honest,

if I were making
a list of things
I look for in a girl,

former meth-head
wouldn't be on it.

I'm really sorry.

I'm just not really
ready for this.

I'm sorry.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey.

How you feeling?

[MUFFLED] Like somebody pried
my jaw open with a crowbar

and drilled the f*ck
out of my face.

Hey, how did I
even get home?

I-I came and got you.

So, wait, does that...

Y-you don't remember
much about yesterday?

Just climbing
into the dentist chair,

and getting a mask.

After that,
nothing but an overall
bad taste in my mouth,

although that could
just be the stinky,

bloody bandages
still packed into my gums.

Oh, and I remember you boning
Claire's mom on the couch.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

Fucker ran for the hills
when he found out
I was an addict.

I knew I should've lied.

Great plan.
Yeah.

Every decent relationship
should be based on deception.

No offense, but relationship
advice from a burnout stoner

isn't exactly what
I'm looking for this morning.

Oh. Stoner?

You know what?

I've never touched
a drug in my life.

Yeah, right.

No, dead serious.

No dr*gs or alcohol,
like, ever.

Addiction runs
in my family,

and I didn't really
feel like joining the crowd.

So you're just
like this normally?

Like what?

You know... Weird.

Yeah. This weirdness
is 100% me.

You know, for what
it's worth, Claire,

this guy's
a f*cking idiot

for judging you
on your addiction.

You're who you are today
because of your addiction.

It's taught you compassion
and forgiveness and humility

and to cherish
the things that you have.

And you know what?

Those are the things
that I like about you.

But you're the worst
f*cking tambourine
player ever.

Ever.

[CHUCKLES]

So, Mugsy, how'd it go
at your kid's school?

Homerun.Hmm.

CLOUD: Nice.

There you go.MUGSY: Yeah.

His classmates were
judgy little f*ck-turds,
but...

Gerald had my back.

That was pretty cool.

Hey, Claire,
how did your date go?

Did you tell him
how much you like

driving bumper to bumper?
[LAUGHS]

Um, no, Ed.

But thank you
for the follow-up.

[SIGHS] Actually,
the date sucked.

Turns out,
a recovering addict

isn't exactly
everyone's dream girl.

Well, you get back
on the horse.

Not the horse,
but the... [NEIGHS]

Okay.

All right, anybody else
before we wrap it up?

Yeah, I got
something, too.

Um, yesterday,
I had my wisdom teeth
pulled,

which, of course,
requires some medication.

But today,
I can honestly say
that the feeling

of being out of control
and a bunch of stuff,
I just...

I didn't like it.

NEW GUY: I used to love
medical procedures.

I once had
a vasectomy reversed
just to get a little oxy.

Why would you get a vasectomy
in the first place?

For the Vicodin.

CLAIRE: Hey, did you
read that story
I gave you the other day?

Story.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, yeah, I got it
right here.

Um...

Yeah.

I gotta say, I never...

Never thought
I'd be admitting this,

but your mom's actually
a really interesting writer.

Yeah, sorry
to disappoint you,

but my mom
didn't write that.

Hm?

It's a whole thing.

She gave me a story,
and then she realized

she gave me the wrong story,
so she came back

and gave me
the right story,

but then by accident,
I gave you the wrong story.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

This is my mom's actual story.

"A Nun's Tale"?Yeah.

It's about a deeply
religious woman

who questions whether
or not to join a convent
and become a nun.

Jesus, Claire.

You're messing
with people's lives here.

You gotta be careful
with this sh*t.

You're a weirdo.

[DRUGDEALER'S FOOLSPLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ You've been livin' life
on a thin line

♪ ♪

♪ But it really gets you down

♪ Ah ah ah

♪ You can try,
but it don't feel right

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, to light a candle
for the underground

♪ Ah ah

♪ Not the same song
you remember

♪ You can try,
but it's just plain wrong ♪

♪ ♪