03x10 - When I'm Alone

[bunniefuu]

You're who you are today
because of your addiction.

It's taught you compassion
and forgiveness.

Those are the things
that I like about you.

CLAIRE: You having a bad day?

Typical day.
I got another rejection.

LOUDERMILK:
Lizzie, you blew my mind
at Sounds and Grounds.

You're f*cking great.

You gotta get back out there.

Another vodka double,
on the double.

I'm not mad at all,
but we have to go, okay?
Let's go.

[RELAXED MUSIC]

♪ Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

♪ With a bib and a bottle
of milk for Clyde

♪ And your brother's home now, so I'll stop singing

♪ Mm-mm ♪

Where have you been?

What?Where have you been?

You didn't come home
last night,

you never called,
so what the heck?

Are you serious?

I was having
a very nice time
with Lizzie Poole

and it went... Long.

Oh. Well, I would
appreciate a heads-up

the next time you decide
to "go long."

I was worried sick all night.

Okay, sorry, honey.

What's Clyde doing here?

Annette dropped him off,
said she'd be downtown
for a few hours.

Just like that?
No f*cking warning?

[KNOCKING]Oh, my God, Sam.

You've gotta stop swearing
in front of the kid, okay?

His brain's developing.
He's absorbing everything.

[ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING][SCREAMS]

f*ck this!
Fart, balls, sh*t!

[LAUGHING]

Did I tell you?
Did I not tell you?

Oh, man, priceless!

What the f*ck, man?

I'll explain later.

But he's not...
Wait, explain late...
You knew!

You knew
and you didn't tell me?

Turd-f*ck!

Well, I was hoping
he'd go away.

Dad, what are you
doing here?

I thought about
everything you said.

[BABY COOING]And you were right.

It's time I stepped up
and did the right thing
for a change,

for the sake of everyone.

Okay.Well, it all starts today.

Honey, come on in.

[LAUGHS]

We're married!What?

Can you believe it?
We really did it.

Isn't that great, huh?
I made an honest
woman out of her.

Oh, Jack![BABY COOS]

There he is.
There's my little boy.

It's both
of your little boys!

Oh, and by the way,

I don't want you to think
that you need to call me Mom.

I don't.

f*ck.

Oh, my God.

Clyde's first word!

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

I can't believe
you're mad at me.

I thought you'd be proud!

You're the one that
told me to marry her!

When?
When did I say that?

You said I should do
the right thing.

This is not
the right thing!

Marrying her?
Taking care of my kid?

Manning up?
That's not the right thing?

You could've manned up.
You didn't have to marry her.

Wow. I'll never understand
you f*cking millennials.

I'm not a millennial.

Your wife might be.

Well, you sound like one,
you whiny prick!

What do I have to do
to please you?

Dad, you can't
possibly believe

that this is gonna
work out.

Why not?Because you don't know her.

I knew your mother
very well,

and that didn't
stand a chance.

Bullshit. You knew her
for two months.

But that was a rugged
two months.

Uh-huh.

She was throwing up
every morning,

her father wanted to k*ll me,

we were arguing about
whether we should keep it,

I was flat broke.

Why, who didn't want
to keep it?

Oh, stop it.

I didn't even know you then!
If I did, I wouldn't have
thought twice about it.

Besides, do you know how many
marriages in India

start with two people
who don't know each other?

Those work out!

Okay.

I see what you're doing.What?

You're taking
the easy way out.

You're doing this because
you have nowhere to go
if you don't marry her.

You disgust me!

In what world is living
in an apartment
with three whiny kids

and a flaky waitress
taking the easy way out?

I'm taking the hard way.

Mm-hmm.Look.

I'm trying to be
a better person here,

and if you got a problem
with that,

well, that's on you,
buddy boy.

That's on you.

Is everything okay?

[ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHS]

Twice in one day!

♪ ♪

I...

I f*cked up.

I really f*cked up.

I ruined everything.

You wanna tell us
what happened?

There's a demon
living inside of me,

and every time
anything good
happens to me,

he comes out,

and takes a sh*t
on everything.

And he smears it on me,

and he smears it on anybody
that's close to me,

until I'm destroyed,

and then he...

He goes back inside.

To wait.

LOUDERMILK: Wow.

Well.

That's the fight, guys.

You have to keep
your guard up
all the time.

And I know that sometimes,
we get sick of hearing that,

or we feel like
we're stronger
than that,

or that we'll be fine,

'cause that's all
behind us now,

but that's not the truth
of being an addict.

The truth is,
when we're sober,

our disease is out
doing f*cking pushups
in the parking lot.

And we don't know when,
you don't know why,

you don't know what,

that f*cking snake will come
crawling back into your life

just like that.

I'm quitting.

Good.No, I'm quitting the group.

Mugsy...You stop talking.

I've... I've been coming
in here for years,

and it is not working.

It's working.

You've had great years,

and a couple of bad nights.

I can't afford
any more bad nights!

I need help!

And the help
that I'm getting in here

is not the kind of help
that's helping!

It's helping!

Just the fact that you're here
today after that slip,

that takes f*cking balls.

Yeah, that's your advice?

That's your
f*cking advice?

I am so sick of coming
into these meetings

and f*cking up.

And then I come in again,
and I f*ck up.

And then I come in again,

and then I gotta
listen to you

do some self-help quote
that does nothing.

I am tired of it.

All right,
so don't listen to me.

You don't have to
listen to me,

but you do have to figure out
what works for you.

You don't f*cking get it!

Nothing... Nothing
f*cking works for me!

Mugs.
Mugs, come on, man.

Mugsy!LOUDERMILK:
Hey, Stevie, Stevie.

Let him go.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey.Hey.

Do you have any rejuvenating
grapefruit body scrub?

Yes, of course we do,
but right now's
not a good time, Claire.

I have some
appointments.Appointments?

Yeah, I'm...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Interviewing some
potential roommates.

Oh.I just...

I figure with Loudermilk
shacking up with Lizzie
on the regular,

it's probably just
a matter of time

until he bails on me
and I'm left covering the nut

for this entire place
on my own.

The nut?

It's a real estate term.

Yeah, I don't think it is.

It is.

So you have a potential
roommate lined up already?

Yeah, yeah, I got
a few quality prospects

coming by
this afternoon.

Well, why don't I stay?
I can help you interview them.

Oh, thanks,
that's nice of you,

but I don't know
if you know
what to look for

in a good roommate.

I lived with you
and Loudermilk.

Exactly.[KNOCKING]

Oh. Okay.

[UNDER BREATH]
m*therf*cker.

Hey, what's up?
You must be my 12:15.

Oh, you.

You know, those stairs
could be a bit of an issue.

No elevator?No, no.

As I clearly stated
on the phone,
it's a walkup, so.

You think you could
put one in?

An elevator?

You'd want an elevator put in
for your shopping cart?

Yeah, if it's not
too much trouble.

It doesn't have to be
an Otis elevator.

I actually prefer
the lesser-known Dover.

Well, you know...
Okay, well,

I'll run that past
the landlord.

Ah, ah, ah.
You're good.

You're fine right there.

May I have the name
of your current
employer please?

[LAUGHS]
Let's not play games.

You know I'm self-employed.

I do windshields.

It's a pretty solid,
recession-proof business.

Oh, and I got a little
side hustle.

I'm selling homemade
hubcap clocks on Etsy.

Oh.

k*lling it.

Sure you are,
sure you are.

Would you consider yourself
to be a Neat Nelly

or a Messy Marvin...
We can skip that one.[SQUEAKING]

Contact information
for your current landlord,
that's not applicable here.

What is that sound?Oh.

You allow pets, right?

I think we're done here.
Thank you very much
for coming by.

Everything's in order.
I'll give you a shout.

All right.Okay.

Thank you.

How's the ticker feeling,
by the way?

Oh, good, thanks to you,
I guess.

Yeah, you guess?
All right.

I can see this is gonna be
a tough decision.

LIZZIE: So who cares
about the rejections?

Everybody gets them.

Well, it's up
to eight now.

Starting to
run out of places
to send the book to.

Jonathan Swift said,
"When a true genius

"appears in this world,
you will know him
by this sign:

"that the dunces are all
in confederacy against him."

Right.

That's where the
Confederacy of Dunces
title comes from.

Yeah, which also took forever
to get published,

which won the Pulitzer.

Hmm, which would be
an inspiring story

if the author
didn't commit su1c1de
before it was published.

You're pretty shitty
at pillow talk.

Oh, hey, I'm shitty
at a lot of things.

I'm shitty at knitting.

Everybody's shitty
at knitting.

I'm shitty
at making omelets.

I'm shitty
at parallel parking.

I'm shitty
at writing cursive.

We're super shitty together.

Definitely.
We should get married.

That was a...
That was a shitty joke.

I know.

Oh, I have news!

I have a show
on Saturday night

with Felix and his band
at University Hall.

You're playing Uni Hall?

How'd that happen
so fast?

I guess they had
a cancellation,

and Felix called and said
that I was back playing,

and they jumped at it.

Well, yeah, 'cause they're
lucky to have you.

That's great.

Also,

I'm moving.

To LA.

That's... Uh, oh.

Why LA, though?
I mean, LA's horrible.

What's so horrible about LA?

Well, you know,
the constant sunshine,

and the beautiful people,
and the Bentleys.

I mean, just watch the video
for I Love L.A.,you know?

It's got it all.

Yeah, well, unfortunately,

that's where
my band lives now.

What about Felix?

He's great,
but he's his own band.

I need my guys back.

Yeah, of course...
Yeah, sure, that's...

That's great.

Everything's really
coming together for you.

[RELAXED MUSIC]

♪ ♪

That's, like,
the third person in a row

who's cut
the interview short.

Is it me?No, it's not you.

Yes, it is,
I see their faces drop

the second
they walk in here.

You know, I know
I'm not roommate
material or whatever.

Yes, you are.

I mean,
you couch-surfed
here forever,

and you didn't even
complain once.

And you make
good cereal.

And you have that really funny
spinach tattoo on your thigh.

No, that's an iguana.

An iguana?Mm-hmm.

I thought that was spinach.

Why would I have
a spinach tattoo
on my thigh?

Same reason you have
an iguana.

You made a mistake?

Anyway, you're
not gonna need
a new roommate.

Loudermilk's
not gonna move in
with a woman.

He's too selfish.[SCOFFS]

Man, blowing me off
for a rock chick

is, like, the definition
of selfishness.

Oh, God.[KNOCKING]

Aw, now someone's
knocking at the door.

I don't wanna
open the door.

Kay, I'm gonna get it.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

New Guy?

Hello, Benjamin.

I'm here about
the roommate vacancy.

What are you doing here?
I thought you have a big,
beautiful house.

I do, but I'm thinking of
selling while the market's up.

You know, this place
could potentially

be interesting to me
if the price is right.

I mean, it is close
to some of the things
that are important to me,

like the church
and coffee shops,

and my girlfriend Louise...Ex-girlfriend.

That you're stalking.

You say stalking,
I say keeping
in touch with.

What does she say?Stalking.

It's...

It's a little smaller
than I pictured.

Than you pictured...
What are you talking about?

You've been here
a bunch of times.

Shower or tub?Tub.

You literally
sh*t yourself
in it once.

She doesn't live here,
does she?

No.I have a place
down the hall.

Okay, good, because I like
to walk around in the buff

when I'm unwinding
after a long day.

Mm. As do I.

Okay, well played,
Bobby Fischer.

Okay, neither of us
should ever be
allowed to be nude.

Terrific. We're back
on the same page.

Okay, but all kidding aside,
I do have a serious request.

Do you mind if I eat
with my pants off?

Food just tastes
so much better

without the tyranny
of trousers.

I 100% agree, absolutely.
No problem.

As a matter of fact, I think
Bourdain wrote about that
in one of his books.

Anthony Bourd...
Oh! Oh, okay.

[LAUGHING]
No, he never did that.

NEW GUY: You're gonna
be a funny roommate.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ ♪

JACK: Sammy!
Hey, Sammy!

ANNETTE: Oh, look, Clyde!
There's your big brother.

Heads up, Sammy.
Dead man walking.

Power walking, actually.

Oh, my God, Jack,
you are so funny.

[BABY TALK]
Your dad is so funny!

Your dad is so funny.

You can't wear those.

What?The sombreros.

What are you talking about?It's cultural, it's...

I don't know,
it's not allowed.

It's a sun hat.

We're just getting in
our cardio.

It's very important
for circulation.

Yeah, and you know
what they say,

good on the track,
great in the sack.

Whoa, who says that?

Honey!
Sponge brain.

Aw, they know
how they got here.

Don't you, little buddy?
Oh, yeah.

One sh*t and pow.
Bull's-eye.

Just like the Death Star.

All right, that's a lovely
remembrance, Dad,

but the hats...
You gotta trust me
on this, okay?

They're throwing kids
out of college for that sh*t.

People get mad.

What people?

Mexicans?

They get mad at us
for wearing these?

They sold them to us.

ANNETTE: We went to
a Mexican restaurant

for our one-week anniversary.

Besides, I get to decide
what goes on my head.

Well, good.
That's great.

I'm glad that
it's going well.

Going well?

It's f*cking great.

She's great.
Just terrific.

I can't tell you
how happy I am
that I took your advice.

It wasn't my advice.And you know what?

Her tits are bigger
than I remember,
you notice that?

Yes, I paid for them.

Happy Father's Day.

And just my size.

What's just your size?

We're just
talking about...

Your knockers, honey.
I love them.

Honey, we better keep moving
or you'll be late for work.

Right.Wait, hold on.

You have a job?

Of course I do.

What kind of
a man would I be

if I didn't support my wife
and my little baby?

Well, you?

Your father is
the top salesman

at Cerrone's Auto Mart.

Well, not top,
but I'm working on it.

He's almost in the lead
for Salesman of the Week.

Really?

As of Wednesday.
I'm in fourth place.

Come on down, Sammy,

and I'll put you behind
the wheel of a sweet ride

that is as plush and luxurious
as it is eco-friendly.

Isn't he something?
He's like a game show.

Yes, he is,

except when you lose,
there's no parting gifts.

[COMEDIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]

BEN: You know,

this schedule is actually
shaping up pretty nicely.

On Monday nights,
we watch The Bachelorette,

Tuesdays, we take
a road trip
to Flavortown

with Chef Guy Fieri,

and Wednesdays,
we have an appointment
with Dr. Pimple Popper.

Oh, and anything
with Keith Morrison, okay?

Oh, well, yeah, sure,
I guess it would be nice

to add a hard-hitting
news program to the schedule.

It's a news magazine,
remember?

News magazine.
Touche.

Very different things.[KNOCKING]

Yeah, they're two
different things...
'Scuse me.

Hey, Kung Pao chicken?Nope, that's not us.

No, that's me.

Yes, it is.
Thank you.

Cheers.
Thanks, man.

Hey, you have
any chopsticks?

♪ ♪

Has anyone
heard from Mugsy?

No.

Can we do anything?

I mean,
he's gonna fall apart
on his own.

Well, you know that saying,
you can lead a horse to water,

but you still
need a stepladder
to f*ck it in the ass.

What?

Ed's right.

I mean, I don't know
about the ladder part,

but you can't
make somebody
go to a meeting

if they don't wanna go.

We're not him, so.

Who has something
they wanna share?

NEW GUY:
Well, I'd like to go.

Loudermilk, what are
the chances of you

changing apartments
in the very near future?

Like, say,
by this weekend?

What?

Don't play
games with me!

You know you've been
shacking up
with that shiksa!

That doesn't
mean I'm moving.

Okay, well,
what does it mean?

'Cause, you know,
I don't know.

You never talk
to me about it.

About what?See, this is what he does.

About whether
you're moving!

Who said I was move...

Yeah, I'm not doing this.

Okay, somebody else,
kick it off.

Come on.

I have a question.

Yeah, what
do you got?

Are you never
going to tell them?

Okay, um...

I have some other news.

My father married
Clyde's mother.

Ah, they were married
and you didn't know.

And now she's after you
for the inheritance cash.

There's no
inheritance cash, okay?

My father's
not the kind of guy
that would have...

No, he wouldn't even
think to have

inheritance cash
to leave behind, but no.

Would you just tell them?

Loudermilk's father
isn't dead.

The f*ck's she saying?

Guy's alive.

Scared the dog poop
out of me, by the way.

Okay, turns out
he's not...

He didn't die.

Well, then,
who the f*ck d*ed?

I think nobody.

What the f*ck?
There was a funeral.

With a f*cking jar.

I don't know,
he faked the whole thing

to get out of
raising his kid,
I don't know.

Whoa, this guy makes
me feel not so bad
about myself.

And then
he changed his mind
and he came back

and asked Annette
to marry him.

Ha, and she agreed
to marry this lying
m*therf*cker?

Yes.Oh, g*dd*mn.

LOUDERMILK: Hey.TONY: Hey.

Hey, man!
Welcome back.

No, no, no, no. I'm...

I'm not back.

No? Well...

I'm just here
to get my mug.

Careful, it's got
a hole in it.

That's
a good one, Tony.

You sure we can't
pull you up a chair?

No. No, no, no.

I'm good, man.

I just came to get this.

Don't go!

Mugsy, what the f*ck's
wrong with you?

You've come so far.
Why are you
quitting now?

Look, you're a huge part
of this group.

We need you.

Nobody here

needs any of
the kind of help
that I can give.

Mugsy.

You walk out that door,
you're looking
at three things.

The hospital, handcuffs,
or the cemetery.

And that's
the f*cking truth.

Your kids
still love you.

You know, sure,
maybe they're mad
at you right now,

but they still
love you.

If they didn't, you know...

None of this
would f*cking matter.

I know 'cause I went
through the same thing
with my kids.

Then how come everything
that I do for them

causes them pain?

Mugsy,

you can't hurt someone
unless they love you,

and they do.

[SOFTLY SOBBING]

I don't f*cking know.CLAIRE: Mugsy, please.

Please.

I don't know.Please.

[SOBBING]

I don't know.

♪ ♪

CLAIRE: Hey.

Hey.

'Sup?

Not much.

You need help setting up?

No, I got it.

You know, I never did
thank you for being there

after Ryan dumped me.

No problem.

I'm serious, you didn't have
to try to make me feel better.

Well, I meant
everything I said.

I know.

[LAUGHING]
It's not a big deal,
that's...

That's what friends
are for, right?

Good luck tonight.

Hey, you're still not
back in the band.

[SCOFFS]

[RELAXED MUSIC]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, everybody.

It's been a long time.

Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ I turned my back,
you were gone in a flash

♪ Like you always do

♪ You've always gone

♪ Off somewhere else

♪ So when the phone rang,
and I thought it was you

♪ And I sprung like a kid
who just got out of school

♪ But it's almost

♪ Always never you

♪ Never you

♪ I scream

♪ Like a child

♪ My insides

♪ Went wild

♪ When I'm alone with you

♪ You make me feel

♪ When I'm alone with you

♪ You are the one

♪ When I'm alone with you

♪ You make me feel

♪ Yeah, you make me feel

♪ When I'm alone with you

♪ You are the one

♪ Oh

♪ Oh, whoa

♪ Ah, yeah

♪ Oh

♪ When I'm alone ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I mean, LA's
not gonna know
what hit it.

I don't know
how to thank you.

For what?

For giving me my life back?

Ah, that was all you.

You lit a fire under me
and made me change,

and got me thinking,
you know, life is too short.

You only live once.

Unless you're my dad.

Hmm?Ah, nothing.

You were on the verge
of making a point?

Do you ever think about
making a change?

Might be good
for your frame of mind.

Go where?

LA?

I could use
a road trip buddy.

Are you asking me
to come with you?

When's the last time
you took a leap of faith?

Yeah, it's been a while.

Well?

I can't.

I have people here
who need me.

Well,

I need you

to maybe come and help me
pack up my place tonight?

I don't know.

Might just make
everything harder.

Ah, f*ck it.

Let's go have
a proper good-bye.

[RELAXED MUSIC]

♪ ♪

BEN: Oh-ho!

You dirty dog, you.

Uh...

Do you wanna
explain this?

Explain what?
We're eating breakfast.

Hey, Loudermilk.Hey.

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE BEEPS]

You're not gonna
answer that?

It's not like
a ton of people
call you.

No, it's no one I know,

and if it's important,
they'll call back.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, someone's popular.

CLAIRE: Maybe
you should answer it.

Why?
It's a New York number.

It's probably a robocall.

You don't know anyone
in New York?

Spider-Man?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah, this is him.

Okay.

Yeah, talk to you soon.

That was just random.

Who was it?

Random House.
Random House.

What did they say?

They wanna
publish my book.

[FOXYGEN'S
THE THING ISPLAYING]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, now

♪ Whoo!

♪ Yeah

♪ Uh

♪ Well, I'm so bad

♪ I must be wanted
by the FBI

♪ Yeah

♪ I'm an America's-top-ten
most-wanted-list type of guy

♪ Yeah, 'cause

♪ I'm just cool
like that, yeah

♪ Yeah, I'm a winner

♪ I'm a winner and you know
that it's true, yeah

♪ Yeah, I'm a winner

♪ Five piece chicken dinner

♪ Yeah, I'm a winner,
and you know that it's true

♪ But the thing is

♪ It's never... ♪