02x05 - Hold the Pickles, Keep the Change

[bunniefuu]

Wyatt said he's running late.
He's on a date.

- Aww, cute. So are they.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Would you stop that, please?

We are just two sophisticates

who happen to have common interests,

and we engage in elevated discourse.

I warmed up these bad boys
under the hand dryer

in the men's room.

Hey, you know what?

I got us a burger we could split.

- The bun is a quesadilla.
- Come on.

You guys are adorable.

Eating like a couple teenagers
headed to the electric chair.

Hey, everyone.

You have your own roller skates?

- Yep
- We get it.

You're the fun one now.

I skated here from a date
at the roller rink.

I realized I was late for work,
and as I was putting on my shoes

without wheels, I thought,
"What are you doing, dummy?"

That a doggy bag? What's in it?

You wouldn't be interested.
It's roller-rink cheese...

Burger, dip, or fountain?

Jackpot. Cheesecake.

This is turning into a two-table day.

Get it. Get it.

You will never guess who is here.

It's Pellino from Pellino & Carnes.

The lawyer's with all the commercials.

I love their jingle.

♪ Pellino & Carnes,
we'll get you the cash ♪

♪ It's never your fault
when you fall, slip, or crash ♪

[LAUGHS] That song
is dangerously catchy.

They sued the guy who wrote it.

They sound like the stereotype

of what everyone thinks
a horrible lawyer is...

ambulance chasing, morally bankrupt.

Yeah, but not bankrupt bankrupt,

and that's what intrigues me.

I've been slipping
and falling all over this city

trying to meet him. [GASPS]
And he's heading this way.

Mikey Pellino.

You guys keep doing what you're doing,

and when your hearts explode,

I'm going to make your wallets explode.

Let me ask you a question.

If just his heart explodes,
do I still get paid?

Oh, after all that food,

my stomach is creaking like an old ship.

I could use an Alka-Seltzer,
but I hate the taste.

Come on, man, you got to
take care of yourself.

- Yeah.
- Drop them in a milkshake.

Oh. That's a good idea.

I think it's great
the two of you have a thing,

but maybe bond over a salad
once in a while

so you don't go halfsies on a hearse.

Thank you for your concern,
but we're fine.

I'm, well, of course, me, and
Flobert is healthy as a horse.

Well, he is panting like he
just ran the Kentucky Derby.

Whew! Is this courtroom uphill?

Any doctor will tell you

he shouldn't be eating all that stuff.

Oh, please. Doctors. All they tell you

is that everything you like
will k*ll you.

Meanwhile, the oldest woman in the world

has never seen a hospital
bathes in vodka

and eats cigarettes
every morning for breakfast.

And I don't trust those scalpel jockeys.

Always trying to get me
to donate my organs.

When I die, my butt's coming with me.

Flobert, don't nobody want a
butt with that many miles on it.

When you do die,

promise me you'll do it
on government property.

Olivia Moore. 5'6". Gemini.

I put the cute in prosecutor.

Mikey Pellino. Pellino & Carnes.

If you ever want to sue your parents

for making you too beautiful.

When I was 9, I threatened legal action

on grounds of cruel
and unusual bowl cut.

Girl, I think I'm falling
for you. And I ought to know.

Most of the people that
I talk to are on the ground.

I hear wedding sirens.

Hey, Wyatt, you're a guy

who's been around
the roller rink a few times.

I was just looking
at my ex-fiancé's Instagram.

If a guy posts a picture
raking leaves with a woman,

that doesn't mean they're dating, right?

No, it doesn't mean anything.

Except he's bad at Instagram.

And this one where they're in bed?

I take that back.
He's good at Instagram.

So great. Rand found someone.

I mean, not surprised.
He's a wonderful guy.

Little faster than I thought,
but I'm happy for him.

My eye just twitches
when I'm happy for people.

It's fine if you're not.

I didn't handle it great
when my ex-wife moved on.

A barista said, "Flat white for Wyatt,"

but I heard,
"I never satisfied her in bed."

I really am fine with it.

I was the one who broke it off
'cause over the years,

I changed, and it started
to feel like I was settling.

She looks like she's happy
to settle with him

under the quilt I made.

I'm not great at changing the subject,

but first up...

... the people versus Roscoe Verma.

The defendant was involved
in an altercation

over a jar of pickles at the
Union Square Farmers Market.

Mr. Verma instigated a melee

that led to him being tossed
into a display of Amish gourds.

The charges are destruction of
property and defiling a pumpkin.

Not on purpose. I landed on it wrong.

Your honor, the only thing
my client is guilty of

is enthusiasm. Trevnick Pickles
are the city's finest.

And this was the last jar
at the farmer's market.

I posit that perhaps the pickle purveyor

prompted this predicament by producing

and promoting this peerless pickle

despite a paucity of product
for the pumped pickle public.

Proceed.

This must be some pickle.
Got to sample the evidence.

This pickle is not great.

In fact, it's bad.

Poor cucumber, what did they do to you?

With all due respect,
that is the perfect pickle.

Clearly, you don't know when
you have something fantastic

- right under your nose.
- Excuse me?

Whoa, your eye is going nuts.

I know a good thing
when it's in front of me.

Are you telling me that you
would really choose this pickle,

forsaking all others
for as long as you shall live?

I do.

I always cry at weddings.

Can you believe that guy?

Saying I don't know something's great

when it's right under my nose?

That pickle was straight-up junk.

Is there a chance
this isn't about pickles?

Maybe you're feeling a little weird

because your ex is seeing
someone and you're not.

Are you on any dating apps?

Almost. I'm still
fine-tuning my profile.

Like, what picture do I go with?

Strong and sexy?

Girl next door?

Or cousin but worth it?

Forget the apps.

This is a city full of possibilities.

Get out there and find one
that makes you happy.

You're absolutely right.

There's no point in sitting here
and spinning out over this.

That's what I'm saying.

I got to get out there, take some risks,

put my heart on the line.

Yes, Judge. I'm with you 1,000%.

Great. That settles it.

We're gonna find the best
damn pickle in New York City.

So glad we sort of had this talk.

Wow.

I'm assuming that black card
was paid for by black ice.

Speaking of breaking the ice,
are you free tomorrow night?

I know this little Italian place.

It overlooks the most
dangerous intersection in SoHo.

That sounds lovely.
Nothing like candlelight,

a little vino, and the sound
of pedestrians screaming,

"Wait, don't!"

I mean, did Cupid
just hit us with an arrow?

I certainly hope so,
'cause I've always wanted

to sue a baby. [CHUCKLES]

Olivia, meet the man
behind the ampersand.

This is my partner, Calvin Carnes.

I was just telling her
about DiVitello's.

Pellino's taking me there
tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Garsh, bud, don't we have
that working dinner

to talk about the toilet-alligator case?

We're alligator litigators.

And we're suing the sewers.

- Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.
- Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

Well, maybe I could help with the case.

Alligators... thick snout or thin?

Thick. Thin is crocodiles.

Ooh, she's good, Carnes.
What do you say?

I don't know.
I just don't want you to feel

like a third wheel.
Ooh, speaking of which,

I saw a school bus out front
with a wobbly front tire.

- Let's go put the class in class action.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

A man's got to sue
what a man's got to sue.

Well, at least I still have his number.

I'm going to need that.

Come on, Dan, he's eating Fritos now?

His cakes aren't here yet.

I knew you wouldn't let this go.

That's why I'm having a doctor
give him a full medical workup.

That's the doctor?

I fingerprinted him.

He's being charged with malpractice.

Also, he's a veterinarian.

- Relax, Gurgs. We're fine.
- Fine?

Flobert couldn't even
make it up a flight of stairs.

Last time the elevator broke,
he paid the window washers

to give him a ride up from the street.

So, what, now it's against
the law to want fresh air?

Flobert could totally
climb a flight of stairs.

Prove it. If he can, I'll shut up.

If he can't, you both go see a doctor.

Take that bet, Dan.
I go up stairs all the time.

At the airport. The mall.

Airport and mall?
These stairs happen to move?

What's your point?

I think he's talking about an escala...

I know he's talking about an escalator.

Here's something you learn
riding the subway

with 64 jars of pickles, rats love 'em.

Of course rats love them.
These are all garbage.

If they were on a barge and it sank,

they'd have to close the beaches.

There she is. My favorite gal pal.

You look like someone
with no plans this weekend.

You call tasting and ranking


of pickles on dependability,

bendability, and blendability no plans?

Everybody does.

So why don't you and I go to dinner? Hm?

I just heard about this great
Italian place, DiVitello's.

Oh, people are dying to get in there.

And dying nearby.

Judge, it might be good
for you to get out

before things get really weird.

After my breakup,
I got so into taxidermy

and now I eat breakfast
across from three skunks

posed like "Charlie's Angels."

This is a great idea.
The two of us out for a meal.

No stress, no big decisions.

Just friends hanging out.

Wait, why are you
pretending to listen to me?

Ah, there it is.

What are the odds that Pellino would be

in the restaurant he said he'd be at?

Huh. Well, as long as we're here,

I guess you should go distract Carnes

so I can be with Pellino.

This isn't how I pictured
my first date after Rand.

That'd be a great start
to your maid-of-honor speech

- at my wedding.
- I get to be your maid of honor?

If you come with me. Pellino! Over here.

[CHUCKLES] It's Olivia, from court.

This is so nice. I love a surprise.

Be it lovely ladies
or faulty scaffolding.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- The only thing I like structurally sound

are the men I date.

The arrabbiata is great here.
Do you like spicy?

I do like spicy.

That is one thing I know for sure.

Well, then you are in for a...

Just so you know
what you're getting into,

I like spicy now, but that could change.

So the answer is yes now. And no. Maybe.

I currently like spicy
unless eventually I do not.

Final answer...
I don't want to be boxed in.

Well, you know, being boxed in

is actually
the number-one cause of death

for magician's assistants.

- Number two... real saws.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Flat or sparkling?
- I'd love sparkling.

Actually, no, uh, flat.

Um, the... the splatling.

Um, it's just so hard to know.

I mean, what if I
start off drinking flat

and then all of a sudden
want some bubbles?

Or what if I get bubbles,

and then three years into this dinner,

bubbles just aren't doing it for me?

Here, take my glass, and you
can have both and end this.

You know what? I'm just going
to go see if they have milk.

Milk's simple. Wait. No.

Cow? Oat? Almond?

You guys just order without me.

Pellino, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

She's had a...

- head injury.
- Head injury.

[TIRES SCREECH, CRASH]

- I'm sorry. I have to take this.
- [CHUCKLES]

Nice try, by the way.

You think you're the first
gussied-up law-bird

to try to weasel their way
between me and Pellino?

- [SCOFFS]
- I'm never going to let that happen.

The jingle isn't ♪ Pellino & Carnes ♪

♪ And some woman
who will ruin everything ♪

Did it ever occur to you
that I could make him happier

than money ever could?

Yeah, I know, that's insane,
but I had to say something

'cause I felt like you had
a whole speech and a song.

A cab just crashed through
the window of SoulCycle.

They were pedaling
as fast as they could,

but they just couldn't
get out of the way.

Sorry to leave you all alone,
but my partner needs me.

So you dumped a hot-dog cart
into the Central Park Reservoir

- to try and catch the Loch Ness Monster?
- Aye.

Great gobs of meat are the only way

to get Nessie to the surface.

$50 fine for littering.

You're lucky I'm not booking you
for public monster baiting.

How was your dinner?

It wasn't a dinner.
It was a double date.

And jumping right in
was not a good idea.

At least it got you out.

It's not like tasting pickles
was a huge success.

- I couldn't agree more.
- Thank God that's over.

And that's why we're going
to make the perfect pickle.

So communicating is not our thing.

Wyatt, if we pull this off,

people will talk about what we did here.

Tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M.,
I'll be telling my therapist.

So you're just springing
double dates on people?

I'll do whatever I have to
to get Pellino alone.

But he and Carnes are inseparable.

It's like Carnes is just always
one step ahead of me.

But also somehow one step behind you.

Face it, there's not a move you can make

that I don't know about.

You sure about that?

'Cause tonight I'm surprising
Pellino with tickets

to the new Britney Spears show.

We just got out of the matinee.

Oops, I did it again.

Well, next Saturday
we're going to the Yankees game.

Saturday is the
New York Advertising Awards

We're up for loudest commercial.

And we're a lock!

Well, I know a private chef.

You knew a private chef.

So sorry for your loss.

This obituary is from tomorrow.

Alright, Flobert, this is
going to be a piece of cake.

And I mean that literally.

Now, go get it.

I'm ready. I stretched, I hydrated...

Did you get a body transplant?

Alright, let's go. I want you
to stagger like the wind.

Yeah. [GRUNTING]

I'm doing it. I'm walking up the stairs.

Uh-huh. In your caring face, Gurgs.

Me! "S"! "A"! [GRUNTS]

Me! "S"! "A"! [GRUNTS]

Me! "S"! "A"!

[WEAKLY] Me. "S." "A."

- [GASPS]
- Flobert, wake up, wake up.

- Wake up, wake up.
- Oh. Aah!

- Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
- What happened?

When you looked at the steps,
you passed out.

And somehow asked for a snack
on the way down.

Would you two just go see a doctor?

Human, witch, Dre... I don't care,

just as long as it isn't a veterinarian.

Absolutely not. We're gonna
make it up these stairs

if it kills him and me.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

- One. Get it, get it.
- [GRUNTS]

- Oh! [GROANS]
- Ooh.

I popped my ankle.

It's an old football-watching injury.

Oh, Gurgs, don't just stand there.

Get me to a doctor.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you.

Come on. Alright, listen,

- I'll come back for you.
- Thank you, Dan.

Yeah, I was talking to the cake.

Wyatt, did you put the salt in,
let it steep for 45 minutes,

then stir the barrel counterclockwise

because we're north of the equator?

There was a mix-up...

... and I didn't want to.

Alright, I'll go get a fresh barrel.

Maybe you can get through to her.

I've already tried
to help one person today.

It almost cost me a limb.

What happened to you?

Sprained my ankle saving an orphan.

Flobert's parents are dead. It counts.

Love what you've done with the place.

It's like a pickle meth lab meets...

Nope, that's it.

It's been a lot. Stirring, salting,

parallel parking
a truck full of cucumbers.

But if you want the perfect pickle...

Well, kudos. This is a great pickle.

You don't look happy.
It's because I said "kudos"?

Is that a word we can't use anymore?

No, that's the lousy Trevnick Pickle

from the court case.

You think these are one of mine?
These taste...

... not bad.

Maybe it's true.

I don't know a good thing
when I have it.

Well, yeah, this is a great pickle.

So you're saying I should
have stayed with Rand?

[SIGHS] It's times like this
I wish I could run.

I was happy with Rand...

... until I wasn't. [SIGHS]

If only I was more like a pickle.

A pickle is set.

Know what they are.

Once you're a pickle, you don't go back.

You don't go forward.

Stay the same forever.

Not searching for what's next.

Abby, people can change their minds.

Like, right now, I'm regretting
ever coming in here.

What if Rand was as good as it gets?

He was pretty great.

Maybe "pretty great's"
an okay thing to settle for.

No, settling is definitely
the way to go.

For most people.

But you're not most people.

There is a perfect person
out there for you

who will change with you,

and you will find them.

Or make them in a barrel.

Thanks, Dan.

I think I'm done with barrels.

I fell in earlier.

Sorry, is that barrel vibrating?

Yeah, I dropped my phone
when I was in there.

- Hold my feet. I'm going in.
- [STAMMERS]

Dan Fielding eating a salad.

Wow. They can make cake
look like anything.

Flobert and I agreed, on
occasion, we will eat healthy,

so we may prolong our years
of being able to eat terribly.

- Mm.
- Don't worry, Dan. Any second,

we're going to wake up
at the bottom of those stairs.

Also, our new salad-forward lifestyle

will mean spending more time with,

well, people I don't
actually mind being around.

- We prefer to be called friends, Dave.
- [GROANS]

Admit it, you have a big heart.

Oh, yeah. They said I have

the biggest heart they've ever seen.

You know what? This needs
a little something, though.

Got the thing right here.

So, turns out, my whole thing
was about more than pickles.

And Dan helped you figure that out?

- Just Dan?
- No.

I also recall Olivia saying something.

I did it.

- I finally managed to get Pellino alone.
- That's great. Right?

You'd think so.

Cha-ching. [CHUCKLES]

We kissed, and it was everything

I thought it would be.

And then I realized
Carnes would always be there.

Evil. Duplicitous, a total monster.

In short, everything
I'm looking for in a man.

I was kissing the prince,
but I wanted the frog.

I feel the same way about you.

Carnes? You have feelings for me, too?

I've fallen for you harder

than Angela Martin of Piscataway,

who got 30 grand
when she slipped in a Panera

and shattered her pelvis.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

Aww, this is a match made in hell.

Unfortunately, you and I could never be.

I already have a partner,
and we're bonded by a jingle,

four shell corporations,
and an ampersand.

Maybe I'll get winged by a shuttle bus

- and look you up someday.
- I'd like that.

It seems hard now, Olivia,

but you've got a lot going for you.

You're going to be fine.

- Yep.
- Aww.

Thanks, Abby.

These are, uh, actually
for a client's funeral.