This is a story
about my Uncle Tommy
and his friend Mr. O'Malley
and how everybody got upset
because they were all confused.
This is a story
about the actors.
"Now is the winter
of our discontent
"made glorious summer
by this sun of York,
"and all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house
"in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.
"Now are our brows
bound with victorious wreaths,
"our bruised arms
hung up for monuments,
"our stern alarums
chang'd to merry meetings,
"our dreadful marches
to delightful measures.
"Grim‐visag'd w*r hath smooth'd
his wrinkled front,
"and now,
instead of mounting barb‐ed steeds
"to fright the souls
of fearful adversaries,
"he capers nimbly
in a lady's chamber
to the lascivious pleasings
of a lute."
Sorry, sorry. Could you
just say what's on the card?
I was told to prepare something.
I know, but if you could just say what's
on the card, please. Look into the camera.
Hold up the packet.
Just hold it a little higher. A bit higher.
And just what's on the card. That's all. OK.
"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right lump of a sausage."
Brilliant.
That was great. Um...
Could you just put
a bit more welly in it?
Wel... Welly?
Welly, yeah.
"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right lump of a sausage!"
Sell it to me, will you?
Sell it.
"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right..."
Sorry. You're talking about sausages,
but I don't believe a word of this.
I mean, I just don't believe it.
I'm finding this hard to get
worked up about, actually.
Where are your feelings?
You're an actor. Believe it, will you?
McCull...
I'm sorry, I can't.
You're going? Excuse me. Sorry,
didn't mean to offend you.
Didn't mean to offend
your sensibilities, pal.
- Next.
- Next.
My God, that's
a right lump of a sausage.
My God, that's a right lump...
♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and
♪ I wanna tell them all
I'm sorry
♪ I get up,
and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Part
♪ The clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down
♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry
♪ I get up,
and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Star
♪ In the clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down ♪
Where is the power,
then, to... to b*at him back?
Where be thy followers?
And... And thy... thy tenants?
Are they now upon
the western shore,
safe‐conducting the rebels
from their ships?
No, my good Lord.
My friends are in the north.
Cold friends to me.
What do they in the north when they
should serve their sovereign in the west?
My gracious sovereign,
now in Devonshire,
as I by my friends
are well advertised,
Sir Edward Courtney
and the haughty prelate,
Bishop of Exeter,
his elder brother,
with many more confederates,
are in view.
In Kent, my liege,
the Gilfords are in arms,
and every hour, more competitors
flock to the rebels...
My Lord, the army
of great Buckingham.
The army of great Buckingham.
Strong.
My Lord, the army of great...
Out on you, owls!
Nothing but songs of death?
Oof! f*ck.
There takes thou that
till thou bring better news.
f*ck.
Don't you ever f*cking
upstage me again.
My f*cking badge fell off.
Ungrateful bastard.
I don't know why I break my
bleedin' back every night here.
None of these stupid knackers
understand any of it, anyway.
I barely understand it.
Be all over soon.
Jesus, put me out of
my f*cking misery.
I know, Arthur, but the point
is, it's not worth it
for 220 f*cking Euros a week
to debase myself like this.
There must be something
on the horizon.
Really?
If there's a sign of anything,
Arthur, get on to me, will you?
I'm bollixed with the rent.
I'm out on my ass.
What about those
sausage bastards?
No? They didn't know
what they wanted, anyway.
All right, Arthur. Bye.
I've got to get myself
a new agent.
Someone who can get me
a big film.
Look at this.
This is how an actor
should be treated.
Tubbetstown Castle.
Ten grand a night and the whole
f*cking place to yourself.
That's my dream.
I'm not f*cking around.
One must never give up hope.
Am I too old?
For what?
Hamlet.
To play Hamlet himself?
Yes.
Yes, Tony, you are too old.
I always wanted to play Hamlet,
but with just the vowels.
Now, why wouldn't anyone
have gone with me on that, Tom?
Each character vocally crippled.
Oo ee,
oo o ee,
a i e e‐io.
Confidence
is all about character.
Being comfortable in it,
losing yourself.
You need the character.
What is it?
I'm a pallbearer
and a messenger.
I need characters,
not messengers.
I need a message.
A message, yes. You are a
character with a message for me.
Now, who is he? Who is this
character with a message?
Is he in love?
Did he sleep well last night?
He...
Yes?
Could have a bad...
Yes?
Stammer.
No, because you'd stop
my flow, my rhythm.
You'd stop my juice.
He could, though, just before
he says the line, right,
inadvertently,
because of nerves,
make this weird
kind of honking sound.
You're being foolish.
I'm just no good.
I'll give you a fiver.
A fiver? Have you lost your reason,
Maurice? This is preposterous.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
Who got you this job?
You did.
And would I have moved mountains to
get it for you if you were no good?
I don't know. You like having me
around to help you with your lines,
take off your hump, rub your shoulder,
which I don't love, actually.
You see, I've seen something.
Where?
In you. And I have
a proposition.
What is it?
Finish your drink, and we'll go
somewhere a little more private.
You're not gay or anything like that,
are you? 'Cause I'm not like that.
No, I can assure you.
Anyway, it's irrelevant.
- You haven't been here, have you?
- No.
I moved in in my glorious past.
Voice‐overs, American TV.
It's falling apart now.
Can't afford the rent.
I'm being kicked out.
Got to find an apartment,
a little flat.
Bed‐sit or something.
So what's this proposition?
Well, it's a little complex.
I think you'll agree
that acting isn't real.
Yeah.
That's because
nothing is at stake,
and we're just pretending
that it is.
Well, now, supposing
something was at stake,
really at stake,
like life or death or money.
That's real life.
Well, my proposition is
to blur the difference.
I'm not with you.
Well, for many weeks now,
I've been frequenting this very,
very rough pub in the docks.
What? With, like, sailors or...?
No. No.
No, I've been seeking out bad
company for research, you know.
To play Richard, I needed
to meet some villains.
Villains? The real thing,
to help my performance.
Cutting‐edge lowlifes.
You know, the godforsaken.
What? Like gangsters or...?
Well, men who operate
outside the law.
And you talk to them?
Well, one in particular.
I think you should
watch yourself, Tony.
Well, this brings me
to the proposition.
It's to do with this guy?
I need you to hear me out.
For entertainment value,
I'll listen.
Maybe you'll sing
a different tune.
From what I can make out,
there's a certain party
is owed money
by another certain party,
and neither of them
have ever met.
Right. So a certain party
owes somebody money.
Yes, and they have never met.
Now, supposing someone, sitting not
a million miles from my good self,
were to pretend he was the party
to whom the money was owed.
If he could carry it off,
he could collect the money.
If you're serious, you've lost it.
I mean, you're gone.
Au contraire,
my gallant compadre.
You are just the man to do it,
the man to do the acting.
Acting? I can't act.
I'm sh*t. Exactly.
This exercise is exactly
what you need for training,
because there's
something at stake.
You've got to formulate
every aspect of your character.
You must never, ever
let your facade drop.
If you manage this,
you will never look back.
And you and I,
we will share the proceeds
and be very happy men.
Let's talk details.
No, Tony.
I don't want to hear any more.
It's late. And you're a nutbag.
Tell me you'll think about it.
No.
Tubbetstown Castle awaits
for men of means.
You're ridiculous.
Sleep on it.
Come, sleep, the balm of woe,
the certain knot of peace.
Good night, Tony!
The poor man's fortune,
the prisoner's release.
A certain party owed money
by another certain party,
neither party ever having met.
f*ck!
Hold on, hold on.
Where you going, son?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.
Your house?
Yes.
Brannigan.
Is this your tea?
McCullagh's. My God.
You left the gas on, sir.
Is there someone you can phone?
I'll call me sister.
Want a chip? No, no, no.
You're all right.
Listen, Rita,
my house is on fire.
Rita, who is it?
Who's that? Clive.
He's English. Don't start.
The hedgehog's
going back in his shell.
Hello, darling.
What? What? Did I...?
Did I say something?
I was asleep.
Hello, darling. Hello.
You all right?
You look lovely.
Do you want a pear?
This bloody thing looks great,
but it's very fernickety.
Mary, eat your breakfast.
I'm gonna be late.
Clive, this is my brother Tommy.
Hello, mate. How you doing?
I'm OK.
Yeah, I know.
Still, though?
Thanks.
- Rita tells me you act.
- Great actor.
He's the black sheep.
He's my favorite.
Favorite?
Favorite what?
He's my favorite love,
my favorite person.
They're always in cahoots.
I'm in sales, chum. Imports and sales.
How's business?
I'll tell you the truth.
Things are always slow
this time of year.
You've got to chase them for every single
farthing, every groat they owe you.
They'll all disappear into the woodwork.
Like flies, Tom. Like bees.
Yeah?
OK.
Mary, come on. You're gonna
make me late. Tommy can bring me.
Yeah. Like flies.
Bees. Dear.
A certain party owed money
by another certain party,
and neither party's
ever met each other.
It's a tantalizing
proposition, Uncle Tommy.
Potentially very lucrative.
And if someone were to,
you know...
Pass themselves off
as the party
to whom the money's owed.
Someone with great skill.
An actor, perhaps?
Perhaps an actor
whose house b*rned down.
Actors need characters, Mary.
Precisely my weak point, you know?
I think you could do it.
I think you could do anything you wanted.
No, Mary.
If you don't believe
in yourself,
you'll never convince anyone
that you're not you.
What?
Tommy, trust me.
Mary, you're nine.
Why are you telling me about it?
Because... Because you're weird
and clever and you know too much.
It's like you were born a grown‐up person.
I was born ancient.
Don't say that.
Don't say things like that.
It's really creepy, you know?
I mean, really.
Where are you going?
I have to get you ready.
You have to go to school.
I don't need it.
Mary, I can't...
Let's just try.
I can't act.
Mary. Mary. Mary.
Come on, eejit‐head.
I can't reach.
Yeah, and Clive
won't miss his clothes.
Clive is very, very thick, Tom.
But that's, like, really thick.
He is. He's really,
really thick.
OK. But we're
just playing, OK?
Two words. A bit much.
One word. Not enough.
More rings.
Any more rings,
and my fingers'll fall off.
No, they won't. Come on.
Are we married now?
Tom, you don't embarrass me.
You embarrass yourself.
Mary, I can't actually...
What's the word?
I can't actually see,
you know, with my eyes.
Vis‐à‐vis the world
and everything.
Tommy, anyone wearing
those glasses is for real.
Although you look much nicer. No,
really, much nicer. Almost like a person.
OK, come over here and sit down.
Aah!
Hey, careful. Careful. Hello.
Would you like a drink?
A drink would be smashing.
Well, I'm not your servant.
Would you like a cigarette?
Please, help yourself.
You can't trust your eyes.
Well, what can I trust?
Use the force.
What force?
The force of habit.
You don't need to look.
Aah!
Aah!
You'll be fine.
I know it's going to work.
Really.
Really.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, please. Thank you.
My colleagues.
The main pleasure
of this play, I conclude,
is the embodiment
of pure, unmotivated evil.
I soar through the text as one
might peruse the racing form.
This... This certain party
that doesn't know
the other certain party.
I'll do it.
My boy.
Do you know the Baltic Bar?
Good night.
Our certain party holds
court there every night.
That place is bedlam.
They know me. I tend to be
with the certain party.
Who is?
Barreller.
Barreller what?
I only know him as Barreller.
Keep your hands off me.
- Baltic.
- Barreller, please.
Boss, you're wanted
on the phone.
I represent a certain party.
Absolutely. You're here
to do a job.
My name is Clive.
If that makes you
feel comfortable.
♪ And his dark hair
♪ Always he has dark eyes
So. A little thr*at behind a little veil?
Nothing specific.
The party I represent
will be most displeased...
Don't want things
to become unpleasant.
However...
Absolutely.
Barreller!
Mr. Barreller, I'll come straight to
the point. I represent a certain party.
Yeah? To whom you owe
a certain amount of money.
Are you from over the water?
As it happens,
I've just arrived in your fair city.
For your money?
The very thing.
Well, I wasn't expecting you.
I was gonna send it over.
I saved you the bother.
That's a lot of money.
I'm gonna need a couple of days.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Now look here, Mister...
Clive. Call me Clive.
Clive, I think you're being unreasonable.
And I believe a debt is a debt.
The party I represent
will be satisfied
with nothing less
than payment in full.
While I'm a reasonable man,
the party I represent
is, I'm afraid, vice versa.
No need for this to get messy.
I quite agree. Tomorrow.
The Shelbourne. 5:00.
I can't...
Textbook.
f*ck it.
Oof!
Never again.
You are very late.
I was beginning to worry.
We were just sitting down
to our tea.
No milk.
Right bastard.
These are me sons
Lesley and Ronnie.
All right? Clive.
How you doing? Ronnie.
And me daughter Dolores.
How are you?
Charmed, I'm sure.
How are you?
Fine.
Good. Nice to meet you.
It was a nightmare raising this.
Well, what you gotta realize is
my client ‐ Thank you, dear ‐
appreciates all efforts
in extremis.
He will be deeply impressed.
Don't open that here.
Relax. I'm just having
a little...
It's all there. 50 thou.
Yeah, it is. It's all there.
It's... All of it is there.
Yes, it is.
I counted it.
It's all there, innit?
You... Aren't you
a treasure? Ha‐ha.
My client will be pleased.
We're clear now, are we?
You are free as a bird, Mr. Barreller, until
you next decide to do business with us.
No. There won't
be a next time.
No, from now on,
I'm totally legit.
Are you saying my client's
not legitimate? No, no.
I want to leave something
stable for the boys.
Something aboveboard.
Neither of them are brilliant.
Lesley here, he's not all there, you know.
Are you, Lesley?
No, I'm not. No.
Yeah, and Ronnie's deaf
in one ear. Watch.
Ronnie.
Yeah, how unfortunate.
You are in the whole...
I'm fine.
She's trying to get
into the acting.
Really?
We know an actor,
comes in the Baltic ‐ Anthony O'Malley.
He's gonna help me get training.
Get training, me arse.
Get pregnant, more like.
Is he, now?
Do you know him?
No. Never heard of him.
What's this?
Yes. A drink, I thought,
to no hard feelings. Flaming sambucas.
You might want to
blow it out first, Lesley.
OK.
Well, this was very easy.
- No, I don't like that, no.
- Jesus...
Give it a puff.
I don't think that...
That's really nice.
Have mine. I'll take you
for a real drink.
I'll buy you a pint in the Baltic.
I have shares in it.
Meet some real Dubs.
Not like all this bollocks.
I would love to. I really would. I'd love to,
but I got a plane. I got a bloody plane.
Come on, Clive. Ten minutes.
I got to get it.
Come on. Why
don't you just come for one?
I'd really like to. I...
I would really like to.
I really, really would,
but I got to...
You might enjoy it.
Yeah, I know. Let's go.
f*ck this. Gonna have to
break the law here, Clive.
Technically,
this is not actually an ambulance.
How's business, then,
in general, Clive?
I've got to be honest.
It's slow this time of year. It always is.
You've got to chase every single
farthing, every groat they owe you.
They all disappear into the woodwork.
Like flies. Like bees.
I wasn't disappearing
anywhere, Clive.
I know, but I got to
follow orders, ain't I?
Plus, I get to have
a little trip to Dublin.
What do you mean,
"People disappear like bees"?
I...
don't know.
That's an East End
expression, is it?
Yeah, that's it.
Exactly. Exactly.
What's he like,
then, Mr. Magnani?
Who?
Your boss.
What's he like?
Mr. Magnanani.
Mr. Magnani.
I've never met him.
Well, Mr. Magnanani...
Yeah.
What's anyone like, Barreller?
What are you like?
What are you like?
It's an impossible question.
I can't tell you what the man's
like, but I will.
He's, um, now
in his autumn years.
He sort of leaves the
day‐to‐day running of his empire
to his trusted associates,
you know?
He surrounds himself
with all grandchildren.
He's got his rose garden. He tends
that with his beautiful young wife.
His young wife
has grandchildren?
No. No! Don't be a nelly.
'Course not.
He married again, didn't he?
He got married again.
After his first wife ‐ She was, she
was, she was, she was, she was,
she was tragically sucked out
the window of a DC‐10.
Can I get another drink?
Out of a plane?
What?
Yeah. Bugger, innit?
A man of many private sorrows.
You can see it. It's all
sort of etched in his face.
He looks like
a really old wallet.
That is the key to the man.
It's what he's all about.
And very few people
realize this, see it,
actually see it in the man.
In the man. You know?
Imagine it, right. There he is,
watching the apples fall from the trees...
Do you mean the roses?
Well, yeah.
But there's an orchard an' all.
He's got the lot.
It sounds quite a place.
Thanks, Dickie. Cheers. Thank you.
That's what
I'd like, too, Clive.
That's why I'm now
completely legitimate,
with an office, you know,
a pencil sharpener.
Biscuits, bread bin, lino.
Something to hand on, you know?
I suppose, Clive, I'm a bit like Mr. Mag...
Mag... Magni...
Mr. Magniani in that regard ‐
You know, family.
Family. f*cking family.
People... People don't f*cking
talk about this anymore,
but what... If you
ain't got family,
if you ain't got it,
what have you got?
What have you actually got?
That's it.
You got f*ck all
and a one‐way ticket to f*cking
yesterday, mate. It's nothing.
That Guinness has hit you a little
bit, has it, Clive?
Not being Irish,
you know, and I'm not,
I don't really have a head
for strong drink.
- Why don't you give us a song?
- Give us a song.
No. No, you don't.
Come on.
I never sing.
Not me, babe, you know.
I never do it. Never.
♪ Although I know
I've only met you
♪ Something tells me
that I won't forget you
♪ It's like you're sent
from heaven above
♪ Feels so right
♪ It must be love
♪ I turn my back
on slow romance
♪ Following a merry dance
♪ Could this be love?
♪ Could this be love?
♪ Could this be love?
♪ Could this be love? ♪
What time is it? It's early.
It's only quarter past nine.
The play.
What?
The plane. I'm really sorry,
Dolores. I've got to go.
Get a later one.
Can I drive you
to the airport, Clive?
No. No. No, thanks.
I'll get a cab. Clive, wait.
Here.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
All right.
I'll see you. Bye‐bye.
See you.
Hey, taxi! Hey!
Cue 106. Go.
Where is the power, then,
to b*at him back?
Where are thy tenants
and thy followers?
Douglas!
- Did you go on that cue 106?
- Yeah, that's 106.
It looked different.
Douglas, it's me.
Open up. It's me.
Quiet, man. For goodness sake,
there's a show on.
It's me. Will you put your
other glasses on? Douglas!
Mrs. O'Browning...
Shh, there's a show on.
I know. I'm in it.
I beg your pardon?
Where do you think you're going?
This is a fake moustache.
Shh.
It's stuck.
Calm down.
It's me!
Look, look, look.
Are they on the western shore?
Still not here.
Where the f*ck is he?
My Lord, the army of great Buckingham.
The arm ‐
I'll have to give his line to
somebody else. Buckingham...
No, my good Lord,
my friends are in the north.
Where is thy power,
then, to b*at him back?
John.
Where be thy villagers...?
My Lord, the army...
Cold friends to me. What do they in
the north when they should serve...
in the, west?
My gracious sovereign,
now in Devonshire,
as I by my friends
are well advertised,
Sir Edward Courtney
and the Bishop of Exeter,
the haughty prelate,
his other brother,
with many more confederates,
are in view.
I'm falling!
f*ck.
OK, curtain.
My Lord, the army
of great Buckingham...
I don't f*cking believe it.
I wouldn't, but if I wanted to,
I could go and stay right
now in Tubbetstown Castle.
Ten grand a night,
and a castle all to myself.
I wouldn't. That's
obviously insane,
but I could
if I were insane enough.
I knew you could do it.
I always said you could do it.
I just didn't
f*cking believe it.
See, Anthony?
You see, acting? Yes.
Acting ‐ it's a craft. It's not a trade.
And what does that mean?
It means you have to live it.
You're going to gloat.
I knew you would be f*cking unbearable.
I'm not gloating.
I feel awful.
They didn't strike me as dangerous
criminals in the least. They were decent.
Well, they're not.
Barreller has told me stories
that would make your skin crawl.
So tell me about you and her.
Me and Dolores? Yeah.
You're gonna get her trained, yeah?
Well, I... You know, she's young.
I try to help the younger ‐
Tony, bollocks!
All right. She's gorgeous,
and I fancy her.
What do you want me to say?
Are you trying to embarrass me?
I think she liked Clive.
Who's Clive?
My character.
Well. She's never going
to see him again, is she?
Quick. Give me
a drink of water.
First of all, I don't know
what possessed me.
It must have been an actor's
curiosity, I suppose,
but I slipped down to the
Baltic Bar last night,
just to check on how
effective you'd been
and what Dolores thought of you
and all that bollocks about
returning to the scene of the crime.
Tony, you fool.
What happened?
Look, Barreller...
our certain party...
A certain party owes money
to the other certain party,
neither party having ever met.
She knows. She knows?
What does she know?
I know everything. And you should
give me some of the money as well.
She helped me
with the character.
Who else f*cking helped you?
Watch your language, mister.
No one. No one.
She just directed me.
Are... Are you
entirely off your head?
I know. It's weird.
Now what happened?
Barreller wasn't there.
Dolores was.
I knew by her. If you
knew her like I do,
you'd know that
something was amiss.
They know they've been done?
Someone rang from Magnani, someone real,
to arrange about getting the money.
The sh*t hit the fan?
Obviously.
Barreller insisted he'd just given
their man Clive the full payment.
And then the Magnani people
threw a freaker.
And, Tom, they're
sending someone over.
f*ck. Poor Barreller.
f*ck Barreller.
What about me?
Hey.
f*ck off.
What about you?
Dolores starts on me.
She said did her dad tell me
anything about the deal?
Because sometimes
he has a loose tongue.
Yeah, and, "Did you blab to
anyone," and so on. I didn't let on.
I was brilliant.
I'm sure she bought it.
Jesus, this could be
a f*cking hit man.
I mean, I could get
tortured or anything.
Calm down.
You're acting like a baby.
Sometimes
you're entitled. OK?
This is heavy. I can
hardly breathe here. OK?
Relax the kaks. When's
this hit man coming?
Today. He's flying in at noon.
He's going straight to the Baltic Bar.
There's only one thing for it.
What?
Mary, what?
Good f*ck.
Hey, baby!
It's so good to see you!
Barreller?
That's the name. Name of me.
Are you from Magnanery?
I wasn't expecting
to be picked up.
It's the least I could do,
given the unfortunate circumstances.
And I'm going to buy you
some lunch. Come on.
f*cking right it's the
least you could do. Here.
Don't f*cking start, OK?
I'm not in the mood.
I don't care what
f*cking mood you're in.
You've got a lot
of explaining to do.
Don't. Just f*cking relax,
would you?
What is your pr...
Where are you off to now, pal?
Come on. I have a table
booked in the Harbour.
I'm not going to airbrush the
situation here, Barreller.
The lads in London have gone
f*cking bananas about this.
I've never seen 'em this mad.
They want this fucker k*lled.
Well, I do as well. You know, yeah.
Magnani's upset, OK?
But we can't all spend
all the time
rolling around in the past
and who's responsible for what.
It gets tedious.
Well, the world would be
a much nicer place
if we all took your advice,
I'm sure,
but Magnani's having a conniption.
I've never seen her this bad.
What's that supposed to mean,
"I've never seen her this bad"?
I mean, I've never seen her
want a man tortured this bad.
I didn't know this
Magnani bloke was a woman.
Yeah. A lot of people
make that mistake.
It's a sexist thing.
Don't stereotype her, Barreller.
Dangerous mistake.
I get stereotyped.
Sometimes, you know, I just
get this, a kind of a mist.
It just comes down on me,
you know?
I'm very much a man of me fists,
you know? I think with them.
Anyway, who ripped us off?
I don't know. Nice bloke.
English guy. Clive. Very nice.
Clive?
That's all I know.
Would you recognize him again?
Do you know, I think I would.
I f*cking would.
Very handsome fella.
Big glasses on him.
I just assumed he was your man.
You just assumed?
Because somebody told you they're somebody,
you just assume that's who they are?
I must say, I find that
idiotic, Barreller.
Hey, easy on the casual insults
floating around there, pal.
I'm buying you lunch
and everything.
Don't start in with the "mean Scottish"
bollocks. That makes me very intolerant.
You take it easy, right?
It's one thing
me calling you an imbecile
because you gave our money to some
bloke just because he has glasses on,
but you're getting into
a whole r*cist area,
which is f*cked‐up, frankly.
You're great on the old,
"That's sexist. That's r*cist."
What are you, the f*cking army
or somebody?
Nobody tells me what to do.
You have obviously failed to
grasp what's happening here.
Most people in your position
would tend to be slightly
a bit more contrite.
What are you attacking me for?
Because it was obviously someone
from your side who ripped us off.
What?
Everything all right?
You f*ck off. This is
a business lunch here, OK?
Sorry. Excuse me.
Get out of it.
Where did you get it that it was
somebody from our side that ‐
No one here knew anything
about it.
What about this actor
you were helping?
What the f*ck is that about?
He wouldn't know.
All he knew was I owed money to somebody.
Everybody owes to someone.
Anyway, he's a moron.
And the fucker can't act.
Where is he now?
Here.
What's this?
It's Clive's. He forgot it
when he f*cked off.
What's in it?
Clues, Jock. Clues.
What clues?
I don't know. It's locked.
So how do you know
it's got clues in it?
I presume it has, man!
Jesus!
Jesus... for f*ck's sa...
Show a bit of initiative.
Where's the Aran Islands?
That's where he's gone.
Very clever bloke.
Over there. West. Very good
place to hide. Brilliant.
Well, do you think
we should go there?
I'm not f*cking going.
It's your money.
I don't believe this.
You lost it.
You can recognize him.
It's not big, like.
You'll find him. Incredible.
You're in a very bad place,
do you know that?
Relax. Stop talking
about work all the time.
f*ck.
How tall is this Clive fella?
He's...
He's about my height.
This is the only way
to get there?
Yeah, Jock, the only way to get
to an island is over the sea.
If I don't find him,
I'm coming straight back.
You still owe Magnani
50 thousand.
Yeah, yeah.
Stop moaning.
Moaning? It's an annoying
and fatiguing characteristic.
Well, coming from someone
as balanced as you, pal,
I'll have to take that on board.
Good man.
I get seasick.
Toodle‐oo.
Good luck, now.
Jesus Christ,
what's that f*cking smell?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Are you all right?
I just feel completely weird.
I don't doubt it.
But that was mad weird, you know?
It was like I was having memories.
You became Barreller.
Well, no. Made‐up memories
of a made‐up Barreller.
Very thick and violent
kind of Barreller.
No doubt an aspect of yourself.
What, that I'm thick
and violent?
No. That you have an aspect.
An aspect that's both
thick and violent?
In order to be convincing.
So you're talking to somebody
about me, and you'd say,
"Tom, yeah, he's lovely, but there is this
side to him that's thick and violent"?
No. You're overreacting
to what is, at root,
a compliment.
You generally just praising
my violent, aggressive nature?
That you found it.
You're full of shite, Tony.
Do you know that? Within yourself.
Just admit one thing.
What?
That I was right.
That you were right?
You're learning from this.
That's true. f*cking learning...
And we are sad men,
standing and awaiting advice
from a nine‐year‐old girl.
Well, we're big enough
to accept that.
And from that,
we take faint comfort.
It's all we're ever gonna get.
And now we must desist
before we wallow in self‐pity.
Good.
We have to k*ll Clive.
You see, this Aran Islands plan
is only of any use
in the short‐term.
He'll come back. It was an emergency.
What the hell?
He's going to come back,
and he's still going to want his money.
Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha.
Exactly.
So the medium‐term solution
is to k*ll Clive, the character,
and present Magnani with the problem
that the money may be irrevocably lost,
along with Clive,
and hope they give up.
But if Magnani holds
Barreller responsible,
Clive's dead, the money's gone,
but it's Barreller's fault.
That's a long‐term plan here.
The beauty is,
Barreller and Magnani have never met.
They must never meet.
'Cause once Magnani knows who you
are, things could turn unpleasant.
Which I would like to avoid,
if at all possible. Ha‐ha‐ha.
That's the idea,
and only a moron would need to state it.
What were we thinking? I have
continuously cut you slack, young lady,
and I am not beyond having
you disciplined. Here.
What is this plan?
It's the super‐longest‐term
copperfasten plan.
Which is?
To invent a time machine,
go back in time,
and never put this whole scheme
into operation.
The chances of that would be...?
To put it scientifically,
not brilliant.
But the first thing we can try
is k*lling Clive off.
k*ll my character?
Yes.
Who's gonna do that?
You will.
How?
You have to present yourself
to Barreller again.
As Clive.
No.
I'll go as me.
No.
Who, then?
Can I get you anything, Jock?
Well,
I am gonna need more popcorn, Barreller.
Yeah.
That's easy, then.
Lesley, get the popcorn,
will you?
I need to keep eating popcorn.
It helps me convince myself
I'm in the pictures
so I don't have to deal with
the incredible brutality
I have to inflict on people,
you know, every day.
Just kinda makes it seem
quite not so real, you know?
I'm afraid I'm very much
out of my depth here.
Well, just do your best, OK?
I don't say thanks, big man, OK?
It's just something I don't do.
OK.
Don't want to lose my
edge, you know? OK.
So. So who knew?
Who knew about your deal
with Magnani?
Me and me daughter Dolores
and me two sons
Ronnie and Lesley.
Lesley's not even all there,
you know, or anything.
Lesley, you probably
don't even know
who Mr. Magna... Magnanin...
Magnanooni is, do you?
No.
And Ronnie's deaf
in one ear. Ronnie.
Ronnie!
Brilliant. That's it?
Like, no one else?
Well...
What's that? What's that wee
sneaky look about? What's that?
That's...
That's impossible.
There was this actor.
I was helping him with stories.
He was an actor
researching villains.
Lot of lowlifes in here, lot of actors
in here ‐ horrible, dirty, no money.
He thought Dad was more of a
serious criminal than he really is.
How serious are you?
I'm completely legitimate now.
I have shares in this place,
got an office,
electric kettle, biscuits,
all... all that.
I mean, now, I may have talked
meself up a little bit to this fella.
To this actor guy?
Yeah.
What did you specifically
tell him about Magnani?
It's just that
in the shady world
of outside the normal procedures
of everything in everyday life,
it's possible
for a certain party
to owe money
to another certain party
without them having ever met.
And did you happen
to casually f*cking mention ‐
in your little tête‐à‐tête
at the bar
entertaining
your f*cking actor pal ‐
did you happen
by any chance to mention
that you might be such a certain
party in a similar scheme of things?
Yes, I did.
So he could very plausibly then,
go and tell somebody ‐
maybe an actor,
maybe an actor with abilities
bordering on genius ‐
who decides to come around,
fool you and take the money!
I don't know. I'm very sorry.
I'd pay you the money back if I could.
You're sorry? Good.
That's all right, then.
Do you want some popcorn?
I'm having
a f*cking heart att*ck.
I'm having a f*cking aneurysm
in your bar!
I'm gonna have to talk
to this actor guy.
Maybe...
What?
Maybe I should talk to him.
I'm not with you, darlin'.
He's harmless.
He's a puff.
His name's O'Malley.
I'm not saying you're scary,
but if he was to become scared
and go to the police...
You want the gentle approach?
He mightn't have told
anyone intentionally.
Well, OK, fine. Fine.
Maybe you've got a point.
However, if you
don't get results...
All this popcorn,
it's beginning to rot my face.
Gonna have to change my snack.
In the daytime, anyway.
OK.
If I did take the
kingdom from your sons,
to make amends,
I will give it to your daughter.
If I have k*ll'd
the issue of your womb,
to quicken your increase,
I will beget my issue
upon your daughter.
Look, what has been done
cannot be now amended.
Can we please
just give the money back?
After all we've been through?
I don't care.
You may be a sniveling little cur,
but at the moment,
that money is my only comfort.
My colleagues.
My colleaugues.
The thing is,
I like Barreller and Dolores,
and we're putting them
through agony.
I will converse
with iron‐witted fools.
He's not even a real crook.
We shouldn't be stealing from the guy.
We are not stealing from him.
We are robbing Magnani.
Who could be one of the
biggest headcases in Europe.
Look, let's just stick
to Mary's plan.
I tell Dolores
how to contact Clive.
You play Clive. We fake Clive's death.
Dolores tells Barreller.
Barreller tells Magnani,
"We've found Clive,
and he's spent all the money,
but he's dead."
What?
It's that... simple.
What?!
Don't back out now.
I can't do this.
We're so close. I can't, Tony.
It's bollocks.
sh*t. You're on.
What? I haven't rehearsed.
Who is Clive supposed to be?
I don't know.
I can't be here. Improvise.
I never improvise.
Try it. It's fun!
Dolores,
what a pleasant surprise.
I'm very sorry.
And what can I do
for you, my love?
How are the drama classes?
I know we spoke about this
and you say
you don't remember anything,
but the thing is,
is that Dad thinks
he might have said something
to you about this money,
and that you might have said
something to somebody.
No.
No.
No.
Yes?
Clive.
Yes, Clive. Tell me.
No, but he wouldn't...
Who is he? He's my,
he's my cousin, Dolores.
He came here a little while ago,
down on his luck,
you understand.
I mentioned
that I was research...
I... I'm so sorry.
Mr. O'Malley, if you can just tell
me where he is, if I can talk to him.
We might be able to help him.
You want to help him?
I only met him briefly, but...
Yes?
I don't think that he...
Yes?
I mean, I feel that...
Yes?
That he'd listen to me.
You want to help him after
all the things he's done...
to... both of us?
What the f*ck are you saying,
you stupid twonk?
I don't want to see anyone getting hurt.
Where can I find him?
He wanted to go.
He said he wanted to go away.
He owed some money,
and he needed to lie low
for a while.
Where is he?
He's...
He's... He's in...
Yes?
Tubbetstown Castle.
f*ck. f*ck.
You stupid bollix.
You know how much
that place costs.
Do you think
this isn't hard enough?
You told me to improvise.
I told you I can't improvise.
I told you to improvise, Tony.
I didn't tell you to go
completely off the f*cking biff.
Tom, Tom, Tubbetstown Castle...
Yeah?
Felt right.
You're an awful f*cking eejit, Tony.
Did you enjoy the show, ladies?
Yes.
What are you doing
wearing school uniforms?
Surely you're all too old
for school.
Especially you.
Hey, you're nuts, you know that?
This is so you can stay
in that place for one night.
Isn't that right?
Ignore him, ladies.
He has syphilis.
Did you hear that?
Dear manager of Tubbetstown,
we wish to hire your castle
for a night
on behalf of a famous actor who
needs their privacy respected.
Therefore, we would ask that
your staff vacate the premises
for the duration of the visit.
Effective, aren't they?
Now, the cue is, "My balls swole
up like a couple of grapefruit."
I blow the expl*sives,
you're dead. OK?
"My balls swole up
like a couple of grapefruit,"
I blow the squibs.
OK.
Is this working?
What are you trying
to f*cking do?
You're supposed
to be able to hear me.
How am I gonna suddenly
start talking about my balls?
You are an actor.
You will work it
into the fabric of the scene.
I know you...
Into the fabric?
I work my balls into the fabric?
Tom, focus.
Now be ready. I was covered
in these things on Excalibur,
and they hurt like f*ck
when they go off.
Were there g*ns in Excalibur?
In our Excalibur, yes.
All right.
Hello.
How you been?
You were absolutely
entitled to do that.
What I did was wrong.
I just couldn't believe it.
I know, I know.
You seemed so nice. Don't. I know.
I was vain or something.
I wanted to see
if I could do it.
Well, now you know.
I mean, where the f*ck are we going?
To the money.
I'm minding this castle
for some earls
and lords and that.
The Duke of Richard.
He's an old mate.
I have done this
before, you know.
It's all about
catching the tides.
You gotta wait
till the current likes you.
You know any songs?
I'm living here, ain't I?
Hiding from my creditors.
I've always taken
the easy way out.
Don't know what it is.
Shortcuts and that.
My dad was the same.
People can change, Clive.
You just need
to make the effort.
Yeah, well, I can't do it
by myself, can I?
I need someone else
to show me the way.
Then I wouldn't end up
in all these scrapes.
Can I ask you something?
Why you so angry with me?
Because... Because...
Because I'm a sl*ve to my emotions.
I don't know why I
expected you to understand.
So instead of admitting
that you've done something wrong,
you're telling me
that you're unlucky?
Yeah, exactly. I am...
Well, it's not all bad,
obviously. I met you.
If I hadn't, maybe I still wouldn't care.
That's not bad, is it?
So what are you saying?
Actually, what I'm... what I'm saying is,
I wish I'd never gone through
with the whole thing.
This is the castle.
Whoa.
What's going on??
Listen...
What?
Was it just me?
What do you mean?
I mean...
You know, that time when we met,
I thought that...
I suppose it was
just part of the act, really.
Look...
So where's the money?
It's upstairs. Come on.
Was what part of the act?
Nothing.
Why doesn't he say his cue?
"My balls swole as big as grapefruit."
Is that so difficult to remember?
Listen, what do you mean?
Between you and me.
Yeah.
What I felt when we sang.
Yeah.
Was it part of the ruse?
No.
Because...
Because if it was,
that's a horrible gift that you have.
No, don't...
To be able to cast that kind of spell.
That night, I lay in bed thinking
about you and would I see you again.
What an idiot.
No. Listen, I'm the idiot.
Talk about your balls.
Why isn't he talking about his bollocks?
He's in love, Mr. O'Malley.
In love?
What about me?
I'll give him love.
No, wait!
Come here.
Come here.
Stop!
I want to tell you.
I want to tell you everything.
This is a pointless exercise,
young lady.
I am in peak condition.
But you've got to be a bit patient,
'cause it sounds a bit... mad.
Go away!
This is pointless.
I'm sort of not
who I seem to be.
Come here.
I have made such a big mistake.
Go away!
Come here.
I can't do this anymore.
You're all I ever think about.
Give me that.
Give me that.
I've been unbelievably stupid...
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
And...
No.
Ha‐ha!
Stop!
Give it to me.
f*cking hell, that was sore.
You're sh*t.
No, you don't understand.
Clive, just stay there, OK?
Don't move, OK?
No, wait. f*ck!
There's no signal on my phone.
Don't move, OK?
I'm gonna come back.
Come back. Dolores.
Aw, bollocks.
Give it to me.
No. Get away.
Hello, can you hear me?
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, can you hear me?
You twit.
What are you doing?
This is wrong.
You're losing your mind.
You can't drop me in it, Tom.
I won't let you!
Hello. Is there
anyone there? f*ck!
Unbelievable.
She's right.
Pull yourself together, man.
♪ Mi‐mi‐mi‐mi‐mi ♪
Aaah. Ooh...
Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your final call.
Beginners, please.
What's the matter with you?
Clive's dead.
All our troubles are over.
You don't care, not even a little
bit, how she must feel?
She's as tough as old boots,
that girl.
Anyway, she's always got
my shoulder to cry on.
You? Yes, I've known her
longer than you have.
So?
I know how she feels.
How does she feel?
She worships me.
She worships you.
Right. Yeah, of course.
Our troubles are over!
You f*cking come back here, T...
Tony, come here!
Tony.
f*ck.
Now is the winter
of our discontent...
When I got back, he'd vanished.
His blood was everywhere,
but he'd gone.
I mean, I'm the one.
I must have led
his K*llers to him.
I am so sorry, Mr. O'Malley.
I feel f*cking terrible.
I shouldn't have let you go.
I mean, I was robbed
and left in the shitter,
but to be k*lled like that.
If only I hadn't let slip our
conversation about the money.
You weren't to know,
and I should have kept me big mouth shut.
Clive and I weren't
too close, Dolores.
He had many qualities about him,
which, to tell you the truth,
made him something of an insect.
Hello.
We all do stupid things.
That's right. We all do.
Dolores!
No, Barreller.
Not all of us.
I'm sorry to contradict you.
Not all of us.
Who's on the phone?
Yeah.
I need a piss.
- Hello?
- Hello.
I'm ringing from
the serious‐injury hospital.
There's a gentleman here who's been
asking for you. He's been sh*t.
Clive?
Yes, Clive.
Are you sure?
It can't be. I saw him.
He was sh*t about 20 times.
We're closed. We've got the
best surgeons in the world.
There's nothing we haven't seen.
Of course.
He's still in
a very serious condition,
but a visit from you, I think,
would brighten up his spirits considerably.
We're closed!
You're certain it's him?
That he's alive?
How many people called Clive
do you think were sh*t
in Tubbetstown Castle
and have your number?
Sorry.
Ronnie, see who it is,
tell them to f*ck off.
Could I see him tomorrow?
What?
The door!
I think he would like that
very much.
f*ckin' deaf eejit.
Hey!
No, wait!
Daddy! Daddy?
- Come on. Come on!
- Jesus!
Take it easy.
He's not the full shilling.
The Aran Islands
is f*cking freezing.
Exactly how many
Barrellers are in your f*ckin' outfit?
I'm Barreller. I'm the only Barreller.
Is this Barreller, is it?
Is this Barreller, is it?
Take it easy. He's got a bad ear.
I'll give him
two f*cking bad ears.
Hey!
Ooh. f*ck.
Dad, will you...
f*ck.
Aah! f*ck.
Who are ya? What do you want?
Where's Magnani's money?
I gave it to Clive.
Who is Clive?
The guy your fellas k*lled
in Tubbetstown.
Who was that Scottish bloke who came here?
I'm the Scottish bloke!
Then who the f*ck is Jock?
I'm Jock!
Do you like popcorn?
Do you eat popcorn?
For the last time,
have you got Magnani's money?
I gave it to Clive.
There isn't any Clive!
Dolores, tell this f*cking
eejit what happened to Clive.
He was k*lled. Stone dead.
Great. That's it.
Let me up, please.
Don't...
Don't you try it.
Don't you f*cking try nothing.
You'll get that.
Don't try anything.
I don't know what kind of f*cking
pantomime you're running here,
but you have brought it
on yourselves.
Magnani's coming over.
Let him come!
Her!
Who's her?
Magnani. She's a woman.
For f*ck's sake.
Well, let her come.
Daddy.
What can I do?
Clive is dead!
What the f*ck can I do?
Daddy.
Let her come.
What can I do?
♪ What a lovely morning...
♪ What a lovely morning
♪ What a lovely morning
♪ What a lovely morning
♪ What a...
Follow that taxi.
♪ What a lovely morning ♪
I was just really lucky,
I suppose,
that most of the b*ll*ts
hit me in the arse.
Then why is all the plaster
around your chest?
Um, well, a lot...
a lot of the b*ll*ts,
they went up my arse
into the chestular area.
My God.
Doctors have never seen anything like it.
It's great to see you.
I'm glad you survived,
but do you have the money?
If I had it,
I'd give it to you, I swear,
but my would‐be assassins,
whoever they may be, got their hands on it.
I want to make it up
to you, I do.
I'm gonna work
every hour God sends me
until you have it back,
I promise.
But I wanted to see you,
you know.
Not because of that, but...
I want to see you... You've got
every reason to reject me, but I...
I know. You don't
have to say anything.
I have feelings, too.
Yeah?
But they're for someone else.
Who?
It's your cousin, Clive.
Anthony O'Malley.
You all right?
You all right?
My arm!
Yeah, that's much better.
Brilliant.
Aah! Dear.
Whoops‐a‐daisy.
Thank you.
You're very kind.
I never want to see you again, Clive.
You've caused so much misery.
No, wait, Dolores!
Dolores, wait a minute.
Dolores, wait. Wait a minute.
Listen to me.
All right, my f*cking bucko.
Dolores! Dolores!
The famous Clive. I'm not.
You've got the wrong guy.
Tell it to Magnani. I always get my man.
Help. Help. Help me.
I have to admit,
it was a nice touch
getting your accomplice to imitate
Barreller. Help me, please!
The Aran Islands?
Doctor?
Nice.
But the fun's over, Clive.
Magnani arrives over tonight
for her money and for you.
And for Barreller for being so f*cking
stupid with his f*cking big mouth.
And for that bird.
She told me you were dead.
She thought I was dead...
Save it for the interrogation.
Barreller's office, midnight.
What?
I trust you'll be joining us.
Well, actually...
Here, just for my own curiosity,
who sh*t you?
A jealous lover, right?
You're kidding me.
You're not worth a b*llet.
I've other plans for you, pal.
Here, check this out.
What is...? Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ears! Ears! f*ck!
God.
What the...? f*ck!
f*ck off. f*ck off. Hang on.
I've got you now.
f*ck off!
I've got you now.
f*ck off! You're a dead man!
You're a dead man!
Ears. He's got ears.
You'll never get away. Here!
Run!
Stop him. Here.
Stop him!
Aaah!
Aw, come on! f*ck.
Airport, arrivals.
Now. Move it. Move it.
Hang on! Hang on.
For God's sake.
Wait till I get in the car.
Mary, Magnani's coming.
What, now?
Yes, now.
OK, stay calm.
OK. I know. Get a dress.
Do you hear me?
A dress?
Plots have I laid,
inductions dangerous...
Excuse me.
f*ck!
Ladies and gentlemen...
What the f*ck?
Bloody fiasco!
Are you out of your tiny mind?
This is theater.
This is Shakespeare.
Magnani's coming, OK?
So just give me the money.
You cannot stop a play.
Are both, are we not,
business people?
We are both, are we not,
business people?
A certain party owes another party
money, neither party ever having met.
You know what happens
if they do meet?
One of them is gonna
come round here
and cut your little mickey off,
and I'm this close
to not caring anymore.
Swallow your pride,
go next door and borrow a dress.
Borrow a dress? A frock.
Get into a frock!
A frock?
Here, I'll take that.
Ooh! That's heavy.
Nearly.
We are both, are we not,
business people?
I have been reasonable,
but no one expects
to be tricked.
I am at a loss.
I am absolutely clueless.
Mr. Barreller?
Barreller's just fine.
We have had a fine time,
haven't we?
I was fooled, Mrs. Magaloony.
I was tricked.
It's all right.
We've recovered the money,
and we have the culprit.
Clive? I have a very
effective Scottish friend.
But Clive is dead.
He fools you very easily, doesn't he?
But I don't like to be tricked.
We're bringing him here tonight.
I thought you might like to watch.
Watch what?
The fun. No.
I don't think I do.
Perhaps you might like
to retire somewhere.
Don't worry.
We'll clean up after.
You won't even know
we were here.
I... I think I'll just go
and wash me face. Excuse me.
Ooh!
Cheer up. It's over.
That was pretty
f*cking good, Tony. Well, I...
What do you mean?
I mean it was very good.
What are you saying?
What do you mean?
Are you trying to say that I'm a p...?
Because I am not.
For f*ck's sake.
Yeah, I think you're gay, OK?
I think you're degenerate.
You like big hairy men.
It's all coming out now, isn't it?
All the jealousy.
All the spite. They're here.
Go on. Go. Go. I am sorry to
tell you that you have just made
a very powerful enemy, my boy.
Jock, is this it?
Are you seri...?
Are you f*cking serious?! You want to talk
about this now? This is not the end of this.
We are so very, very far
from the end.
"We are
so very far from the end.
"We are so very, very far
from the end.
"So very far from the end."
And who are you?
I'm Mrs. O'Groany.
I represent Barreller.
You represent him?
I have your money.
Get in.
Good woman, yourself, Tony.
What a gentleman.
Thank you, Tony.
Mind your tights.
By golly.
"Very, very far from the end."
What kind of...?
Aah!
f*ck! Who's that?
What the f*ck? Stop. Stop!
Who's there?
I wouldn't move,
if I were you. Things might become heated.
Who are you?
You disappoint me.
And you were doing so well, Mr. Quirk.
How do you know me?
There's little I don't know
or can't find out.
I'm Magnani.
You can't be, because Tony isn't...
Don't panic, my love.
Recognize these?
Please attach yourself to the stairs.
Hurry, Mr. Quirk.
I don't have all day.
There.
You're shaking.
I've never...
You're trembling.
I've never been tortured before.
A‐‐ha!
Aiyah!
I think you like it.
I think you wanted to be caught,
to be trapped, to be made to suffer.
Well, here you are.
So, Mrs. O'Groany,
as a woman,
which do you think instills
more respect in a man ‐
the thr*at of v*olence
or the dim, distant prospect
of sexual intercourse?
I wouldn't know.
The, sex.
Say, "I want you
to hurt me."
Look, come on. Can we...?
Mr. Quirk, say it.
A‐a‐a‐...!
I want you to hurt me.
I want you to hurt me, please.
I will.
Dolores.
Don't do that.
Dolores, please don't do that. Don't!
What are you doing?
He left it up here.
No!
Relax. It's just water.
Yes, it's up here,
but it's caught.
You'll get your gloves dirty.
They're black anyway.
Here it is.
How long have you known?
Only, like, since Tubbetstown.
You blew yourself up,
for God's sake.
Then telling me you'd survived.
I know. That was a bit much.
Here we go.
No. Nothing else up here.
We may have incurred
some small expenses.
You know,
you're a f*cking good actor. Am I?
Anyway, I'm a thief, you know?
But we're giving the money back.
Tony's with Magnani right now.
I need to get out of these,
'cause I don't know how he is or anything.
Mrs. O'Groany. What?
Your hair is on fire.
What?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait a minute. You're a bloke!
How dare you?
He's a bloke!
Are you wearing a wire?
Who are you,
and what are you doing?
Perhaps he has this coming to him.
How can you say that?
You love the man.
Are you out of your f*cking mind?
He's the biggest assh*le
I ever met.
Let's let him suffer.
Let's see how you like it.
Look, you've got your money,
what you came for.
Why don't you
just take it and go?
Are you with the police?
No. No.
Who are you?
I am an actor.
What?
I know he's an assh*le,
but he's a friend assh*le.
Are you Barreller?
No. What does it matter?
It doesn't matter now.
No. You see, Mrs. O'Groany,
it does matter.
What are you doing?
You've got your money.
Let's not do something stupid.
You already have.
Aah!
f*ck.
Just take them off for a while.
We'll go for a drink. No.
Now, who are you?
Get sandwiches.
Shut up.
My name is Anthony O'Malley.
No? Well, I'm in a production
of Richard III.
I am Richard III,
and the man who robbed you,
he's in it with me.
His name is Thomas Quirk.
Please, I love you.
I didn't do anything. It was his idea.
Look in my handbag.
Look. There's
a theater program there.
Go back.
No, further back.
Right back.
Right back. Right back.
That's him. See,
that's Thomas Quirk.
Out the back.
Bastard.
- Tony, are you OK?
- Thomas.
Come on, open up.
It's Tom. Come on. Tony.
Mr. O'Malley, are you in there?
Tony! Tony!
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your ten‐minute call.
Enjoy the final performance.
Can I get some
actors on stage, perchance to dream?
Dream on.
Dream on.
Dream on.
What's the matter with you?
Is it the money?
Well, I'm relieved.
No amount of money is worth
that kind of hassle, Tony.
None.
Don't slouch. Here.
Hello. I'm Mary. I'm nine.
My uncle's in this play.
He's a very good man.
OK. I'm Dolores.
How are you?
Generally,
a bit disappointed, usually.
Let's sit together.
OK.
You're incredibly beautiful.
Did you know that?
Thanks.
Don't be shy. It's true.
Wait till you see my uncle.
He's a terrific actor.
Five minutes to curtain...
Listen, um, I'm meeting her
for a drink later, OK?
I just thought you should know.
I mean, I know you like her
and everything.
I don't know if it's
going to amount to anything,
but I wanted you to know.
She's going to be in tonight.
I tell you, it's making me
nervous as f*ck.
Row 24, E and F.
Dive...
Dive tho...
Dive, thoughts,
down into my soul ‐
here Clarence comes.
Brother, good day.
What means this armed guard
that waits upon your grace?
That's him.
Hath appointed this conduct
to convey me to the Tower.
Upon what cause?
Because my name is George. Hi.
Alack, my lord,
that fault is none of yours.
He should, for that,
commit your godfathers.
O, belike his majesty
hath some intent
that you should be
new‐christen'd in the Tower.
Whoa!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll come down.
Just give her some air.
Stand by yourself?
f*ck.
Ill news, by'r lady.
Seldom comes the better.
Neighbors, God speed!
Give you good morrow, sir.
Doth the news hold of
good King Edward's death?
Aye, sir, it is too true.
God help the while!
Then, masters, look to see
a troublous world.
No, no, by God's good
grace, his son shall reign.
I'm sorry. Line? "Woe to that
land that's govern'd by a child!"
Yeah. Sorry.
What? What?
"Woe to that
land that's govern'd by a child!"
Woe to that...
What she said.
Show me that.
It's him.
I am having the worst show of my life.
Me too.
A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!
Aah!
Abate the edge
of traitors, gracious Lord,
that would reduce
these bloody days again
and make poor England
weep in streams of blood!
Now, civil wounds are stopp'd...
Sorry.
And peace lives again.
- God say Amen.
- Amen.
f*cking hell.
Incredible!
The worst yet!
You'd think I couldn't get any worse.
How could I get any worse?!
But unbelievably,
on the last night ‐
the last night ‐
I find lower depths.
f*ck it!
It must be all the...
It must be all the excitement.
Hey? Tony?
What do you think?
Tony, can I give you
a hand with that?
Tom?
Yeah?
I've...
betrayed you.
What do you mean?
I'm weak, Tom.
Who's at the door?
Everything is so...
wrong.
Well, gentlemen.
Tony?
This is Thomas Quirk.
Yes.
What do you want?
We want the man
who fooled everybody.
This is him.
Tony.
Well, now... may I?
Please do, yes.
This is where we have
a little problem.
You're telling us
he played all the parts?
He did, and he was wonderful.
Mr. O'Malley, we were
at the show tonight,
and we realized something.
That fucker canna act.
Here, now, I might have had
a bad show. That can happen...
You were shite.
You forgot your lines.
You stood in the wrong places.
You nearly brained a woman
in the front row.
I've been tired.
I have good nights. Tony?
Yeah. Yes. On occasion,
he's been sufficiently OK.
Thank you, Tony.
That's great.
I sent you to the Aran Islands,
you stupid bollix.
You think I'm stupid?
You think I'd believe you?
You're strictly amateur hour.
What you talking about?
You could nae send me
a Christmas card.
All right.
All right, gentlemen.
I know what I saw.
Mr. Quirk...
I'm sorry. Your acting
leaves much to be desired.
I didn't, and I don't know
how anybody could,
believe you...
for a second.
Which brings us to the heart
of our problem, Mr. O'Malley.
You, on the other hand,
were magnificent.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
One does what one can with the
material one... Wait a minute.
Oi! Wait... Tony!
Wait a minute.
Tony?!
You don't think that I...?
I couldn't do... You... But...
No, I deal in stagecraft,
not in reality.
I mean, this is life.
I mean, I...
On stage, I... I...
On stage, not...
I see.
Not the face.
Not the face.
And now we come
to what many consider
the most hotly contended award
of the evening ‐
best actor in a leading role.
In this particular
category, it's been a super year.
It certainly has,
and the nominees are...
Paul Ó Grádaigh
in We're Home from the Hills.
Stiofan McAlister
in Bucketful of Angels.
Marcus Ó Gearhaghty
in The Conniptions of Rover.
And Anthony O'Malley
in Richard III.
And the award goes to...
This is stiff competition.
‐
Come on, you stupid bitch.
Anthony O'Malley.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
You losers.
Talentless bastards.
f*ck off.
f*ck off. f*ck off.
Aah! f*ck.
Thank you.
And you.
Move back.
That's enough.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Best actor. Best actor...
It's a load of shite. I'm going
for a drink. I'm going for a drink.
"What is acting?"
Come for a drink.
I asked myself...
f*ck you, then.
Every evening
as I stared into the mirror,
applying makeup.
I watch myself slowly disappear
as I breathe life into whatever
creation I must face and defeat
over the next three hours
before I can reclaim myself,
never forgetting... Jesus.
Hey, it's on! It's on!
What's on?
It's on!
What's f*cking...
What's f*cking on?
Thank you.
So cheeky.
McCullagh's.
My God, that's a right lump
of a sausage.
- Great. Really good.
- Nice one, Dolores.
Not bad.
Say, what's with the ass?
You're lucky.
There's not many men can fall three
stories and live to tell the tale.
An actor is always in peak
condition, Barreller.
Yeah, I suppose so.
I ask you, what kind
of a f*cking eejit
just falls
out of a f*cking window?
What?
May I?
Aye. Come on.
You're going to have to
pick me up.
All right.
Your dad doesn't
suspect us, does he?
No. He doesn't know what
the f*ck was going on.
He's just glad it's all over.
You know, all the agony.
What the f*ck are you doing?
But I like hurtin' ya.
You're such a baby.
Sorry.
Are you gonna make it better?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Whoo!
I was just coming
to congratulate you
on such a wonderful
performance this evening.
I suppose many people
have told you you're beautiful.
Have you ever thought of
doing Shakespeare? Ophelia?
Not you, sir. Her....
Is that better?
You're getting there, yeah.
It wouldn't be difficult,
because we'd only use the vowel sounds.
Oo ee, oo o ee,
a i ee e ee o.
Well, I suppose
even stupid people
deserve happy endings,
but the bad actors
always get all the attention.
You never notice the good ones.
The good ones disappear.
♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry
♪ I get up,
and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Part
♪ The clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down
♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry
♪ I get up,
and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Star
♪ In the clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down ♪
Actors, The (2003)
Moderator: Maskath3