01x01 - Just Say Yes

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: In 1985, little John Bennett

wished on a sh**ting star

that his teddy bear would come to life.

Magically, it happened.

Ted was an instant,
worldwide phenomenon.

But now, it's 1993.

And like every phenomenon,
eventually, nobody gives a sh*t.

[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GLITCHY MUSIC PLAYING]

f*ck, it's not working.
Here, let me try something,

You got to blow on it.

That's what I'm doing. [BLOWING]

No, no, you got to like
really blow on it. Here.

[BLOWING HARDER]

Wow, you are going to make
some guy very happy one day.

- f*ck off.
- Try it again with eye contact.

f*ck you, man.

See if it works.

- [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC PLAYING]
- BOTH: Hey!

All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

Anybody seen my car keys?

Yeah, they were on the floor.

Dad stepped on them and got mad.

What'd he do with 'em?

- Think he threw 'em.
- sh*t.

Hey, are Mario and Luigi
supposed to be midgets?

- What do you mean?
- They're wicked short.

Like, is it part of their character

- that they're midgets, or is...
- Jesus Christ. Seriously?

- What?
- Little people.

Yeah, that's why I'm asking.
Are they supposed to be midgets?

You don't say "midget."
You say "little people."

- "Midget" is rude.
- Why is it rude?

Because it just is.
It's a f*cked-up word.

I mean, how would you like
it if you were a little person

and someone called you that?

Well, I mean, technically...

- That's not the same.
- Why not?

You're a teddy bear.

So what? Doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? I am a midget.

And I will thank you
not to tell our community

how to use our word.

Well done, Teddy.

Thank you.

[OWL HOOTING]

Susan, just say it once.

- Nope.
- Just one time.

- No.
- She's not going to do it.

- Come on, just one "f*ck."
- No, she doesn't want to go to hell.

Come on, Susan.

I can express myself without
that kind of language.

- Thank you.
- Come on, we got a bet going.

- Just one time.
- What's the bet?

Oh, that Ted can get Mom to swear.

Oh, wow, so f*cking adult.

Hey, we're at dinner.

Just say "sh*t."

- sh**t.
- Just give us the finger.

There's your finger.

Say "Polack."

Ted, really?

It's not a race. You can say it.

Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys.

Okay, just eat your supper, fellas.

She's not going to swear, man.

- I win.
- Ah, f*ck.

Pay up.

- [TED GROANS SOFTLY]
- Thank you.

Wait, you're not wearing
pants. Where'd you get this?

Don't you worry about
where I'm keeping stuff.

Matty, honey, that's your fourth beer.

Yeah, I had a sh*t day.

Yeah, four is like a
Boston one. He's okay.

I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.

Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car.

What happened to the car, Dad?

Whole rear fender got smashed.

Well, how bad is it?

It's going to be at least 400 bucks.

- Who hit it?
- I didn't see.

But I was parked outside
the Hong Kong buffet, so...

[CHUCKLES] Do the math.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm just saying.

Wow, that is such complete bullshit.

Hey, we're at dinner.

It's a bullshit stereotype.

Tell that to my car.

Swear to God,

this whole household
is so g*dd*mn backward.

Ted has used two derogatory
terms this afternoon.

And then there you go

topping it off with
that ignorant comment.

- I said "midget." What was the other one?
- Yeah, I don't know.

You're living in my
house with my family,

eating our food, and drinking our milk.

Tough sh*t if you don't like it.

That's just... that's great.

I'm so glad you don't count me

as a member of the family, Uncle Matty.

- Maybe "Polack"?
- No, couldn't be that. That one's fine.

Blaire, you are absolutely
a member of this family.

Matty, tell her you're sorry.

Of course he won't.

Because if he did, he'd
be admitting I'm right,

which would also be admitting
he is a classic Boston r*cist.

I'm not a r*cist!

My favorite movie is "Rocky."

How the f*ck does that
make you not r*cist?

- Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie.
- So?

So he's a Black guy who
wins against a white guy.

- Oh, my God.
- I mean, it's assuming

you count Italians as
whites, which I mostly do.

Of course, they weren't
white up until the 1960s.

They got a big bump after Korea.

And it wasn't so much
they got more white,

the Cubans got more Black,
but I was okay with that too.

Isn't this the toast

that got you kicked
out of Ronny's wedding?

Again, I was explaining

why it was okay that
he married an Italian.

Jesus Christ.

You are literally proving my point.

You are a raging f*ckin' r*cist.

Hey, we're at dinner.

Well, in fairness, Blaire,
you can be r*cist too.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

No, I'm not.

Do you remember when
you were a little girl?

You used to cut the
hair off your Barbies?

- Yes?
- You used to cut the

Black Barbie's hair off
first to see how it looked.

Oh, come on. Are you serious with that?

And then if you liked it,

then you'd cut the white Barbie's hair.

So you're a little r*cist too, Blaire.

Wow, that is weirdly
so much more damning

than anything else today.

And it started when
she was very young too.

Are you guys for f*cking real right now?

I mean, that is some sick
n*zi doctor sh*t right there.

Did you?

What?

Did you cut the Black
Barbie's hair first?

Fine, yes, okay, I cut the
Black Barbie's hair, yes.

I was eight years old, okay? I
didn't f*cking know any better.

What was the Black Barbie's name?

- I don't remember.
- Oh, it gets even worse!

Oh, my God, she can't remember
the Black Barbie's name.

But I still love both Barbies equally.

- And separately?
- Yeah, yeah.

What was the water
fountain situation like

- at the Dream House?
- Yeah, was there like

a special entrance for the Black Barbie?

- Look...
- Oh. Did you call it the "I Have a Dream House"?

- A-ha!
- Okay, I was a f*cking child.

All right? At least I have that excuse.

You guys are adults.

You know what the problem is?

Education.

There is a complete lack
of education in this family.

That's not true. I go to school.

I'm taking a pottery class.

What about Ted? Hmm?

He's never had a day of
education in his life,

and it shows, using words like "Polack."

Oh, it was "Polack."

The teacher says my
ashtray shows promise.

You should be going to
school every day with John.

You'd learn something.

And maybe you wouldn't make
all these ignorant comments.

Uh, yeah, no thanks.

- Why not?
- Because.

TV.

[SIGHS] Aunt Suze, help me out.

- Well, Ted, you might have fun.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm sure John would
love to have you there.

No, no, I would not have fun.

And "The Price is Right"
is on at 10:00 a.m.

and I'd miss Plinko

and Johnny respects me too
much to want me to do that.

I do. I respect him.

He tells me all about
Plinko when I get home.

That is such a cop-out.

Look, I guard the house
when you guys are out.

[SCOFFS] You do not.

- Yeah, I do.
- How?

If somebody broke in, what would you do?

I... I would tell him all the
good stuff's in the backyard

and then I'd lock the door behind him.

This is pointless. I
have plans with Sarah.

Oh, Plinko was wonderful today.

Plinko is the best
"Price is Right" game.

It is.

We live in such special times.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

$1,000 total thus far.

- Oh, God.
- Third one is...

Oh, God. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Yes! Ah! Oh, my God!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I want to tell somebody.

No, it's okay. It's all right.

This will be my moment.

- [SWITCH CLICKS]
- [TED SIGHS]

All right, another day
with the house to myself.

What's fun?

What's fun? What's fun?
What's fun? What's fun?

[GASPS]

Oh, let's see if we can find
where Matty hides his p*rn.

Jesus, he's got nothing?


p*rn, I'd put a b*llet in my head.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, talk about the right to bear arms.

[CHUCKLES] Bear arms
bearing arms, right?

[LAUGHS] Oh, man, everybody's
missing all this great stuff.

Oh, wait. Oh, I know
what to do with this.

[g*n COCKS]

[LAUGHS] Awesome!

Oh, I am so glad I tried this at home.

What the hell was that?

Oh, it's okay, Mrs. Fechko.

I'm just doing a science experiment.

Is that a g*n?

I mean, that's one function of it, yeah.

Well, what are you sh**ting at?

- Nothing.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Oops! [GROANS]

[g*nsh*t]

[DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE]

Ah, f*ck.

[BEER CAN RATTLES]

The Russian boxer has all
this technology, right?

But Rocky's way up in the mountains.

And all he's got is,
like, logs and sh*t.

So it's wicked uneven
because the Russians

have machines for, like,
every part of Drago's body.

But you know what part they
don't have a machine for?

This guy, right here.

Aw, you should have seen it.

I'm sure I still can. It
sounds like they filmed it.

I don't know how we started talking
about abortion and ended up here.

I don't have to pick
you up tomorrow, right?

No, I got the rental.

What the f*ck?

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

- Aw.
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh. Hey, Matty. Hey, Blaire.

What the f*ck is this?

Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,

and Beef Stroganoff.

- Hi.
- What happened to the TV?

Oh, I accidentally sh*t it.

You sh*t it?

Yeah, and I felt really bad about it.

And then I was like, "Hey,
Ted, it was an accident.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

It's bad enough that it happened.

You feeling bad's not going to fix it."

So I called these ladies

because I was trying to
make myself feel better.

And I do. I feel better. [WOMEN GIGGLE]

See, this is the kind of sh*t

that wouldn't happen
if he was in school.

- Wait, what?
- You're going to school.

Wait, hang on. That is
a serious overreaction.

You're going to school, and you're
going to grow a f*cking brain!

Oh, come on!

I think brains are sexy.

Shut up, Beef.

[OWL HOOTING]

Hey, Johnny, you awake?

Yeah.

I was just jerking off.

What?

[LAUGHS] Relax, I'm f*cking with you.

Holy Jesus.

Wait, you're... you don't do
that when I'm in the room, right?

No.

Not usually. I mean, if you're asleep.

Oh, sh*t, that's why I had
the Spanish galleon dream.

- What?
- I had a dream the other night

that I was rowing on
a Spanish sl*ve ship.

And the guy on the drums was
pounding faster and faster.

And so I escaped by
jumping out a window,

and I swam to a desert island.

And when I came ashore,

there you were jerking off.

That's probably why I had that dream.

Okay, goodnight.

Johnny, how bad is school going to suck?

You're not going to like it.

How bad?

You ever drink orange juice
after brushing your teeth?

Yeah.

Well, it's like getting your
nuts smashed together so hard,

they become just one nut.

Holy sh*t. And that's every day?

That's every single day.

But if you die in a
drunk driving accident,

you get a whole page in the yearbook.

Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"
but I'll see you in the morning.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This sucks.

We got to lug these
things around all day?

Yeah, pretty much.

- We look stupid.
- Nah, we're fine.

We look like su1c1de bombers
having second thoughts.

Shut the f*ck up. You
can't joke about bombs here.

[SIGHS]

Now let me ask you something.
You ever get self-conscious

being the only white guy at your school?

I dunno, we live in a Boston suburb.

Oh, last year, we had an Indian kid.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, but they got him.

- What does that mean?
- I liked him too.

What do you mean "they got him"?

He used to share his Dunkaroos.

- Good guy.
- f*ck this, Johnny.

You know what? I'm
going to get expelled.

- For what?
- I don't know yet. I'll come up with something.

Wait, you're going to
try and get kicked out?

It's the only way. I'm
missing "Card Sharks."

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GASPS SOFTLY]

Dude, look.

There she is.

- What?
- Look.

Holy sh*t, who is that?

Bethany's sister.

She goes to Emerson.
Hottest chick on the planet.

Jesus, what's her name?

Sheila.

- What? No.
- Yep.

- Sheila?
- Uh-huh.

What the f*ck kind of
malevolent God would do that?

Yeah, it's like her parents
knew she was going to be hot,

and they wanted to level the field.

Think fast, Bennett!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Nice!

- f*ck.
- Hey, dork.

What the f*ck you got here?

You're bringing your dolls to school?

Hey, f*ck you, Clive.

Oh, God, you m*therf*cker.

- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Clive.

Nice teddy bear, Bennett.

- You got your blankie too? Ooh.
- [BULLIES LAUGHING]

You must be going full gay on us, huh?

I always knew you were a big q*eer.

You know, I don't want
to speculate on who's gay,

but didn't you just
touch his penis twice?

Hey, listen, man, it's
nothing to be ashamed of.

It's the '90s. Times are changing.

Hey, anybody else here gay?

How is it?

- It's great.
- It's the f*cking tits.

See? There you go. The reviews are in.

You're still a f*cking dork.

- [GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHING] Hey, what a dorko.

- Let's go.
- [BULLY LAUGHS]

Hey, you know what, Teddy?

I think I'm really glad you're here.

Yeah, thanks. I'm still
going to get kicked out.

I know.

From 1814 to 1815, following the writing

of "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage,"

Lord Byron was the
toast of Regency London.

During this period, he
wrote "The Siege of Corinth,"

"The Bride of Abydos," and what else?

- Amanda.
- "Terracina."

Yes. Someone did the homework.

Very good.

I think this guy's lost 40
hairs since class started.

It's weird, right? It's
like they're not falling out.

- They're jumping out.
- [TED LAUGHS]

- Ted.
- Yes?

Can you complete this verse?

"She walks in beauty, like
the night of cloudless climes

and starry skies.

And all that's best
of dark and bright... "

Your wife is f*cking other guys.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[SNIFFLES SOFTLY]

You think you're funny,
but you know what?

Joke's on you, smart guy,

because my wife and
I are having problems.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, thank you.

Um, my wife had an affair last year.

And we've both tried to recover,

but fact is, neither one of
us has been able to forget it.

So I come in here every day
acting like my life is great

when, in reality,

it's a train wreck.

My own son doesn't respect his father,

so joke's on you, funny man.

Not really quite sure
how the joke's on me,

- but...
- Who's laughing now?

I mean, I think I still am, but...

Life comes with a lot of pain, kids.

So better you learn that right now

and develop some nice, hard
calluses over your feelings.

My daughter is having a pregnancy scare.

Anyone want to talk about that?

Well, we're gonna talk about it!

Her last period was five weeks ago!

I know this because I'm the only
one in the house who buys tampons.

Yeah, I don't think you're
going to break Mr. George.

He's already too messed up.

Yeah, I see that.

So what are you going to do?

How are you going to get kicked out?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Better put some more franks on.

- All right.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- I'm the king of the wieners!
- [SCREAMS]

[TED LAUGHS]

[CRYING]

Ted Bennett, please report
to the principal's office.

Well, don't mind if I do.

Ted, do you know where my last job was?

Um, were you on "Night Court"?

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY] No.

I was principal at Dorchester High.

Oh, sh*t.

Wait, isn't their mascot
just a guy with a Kn*fe?

Technically, Stabbers was a pirate.

But yes, it was a little rough.

I heard there was one girl there

who was only eight years older
than her own granddaughter.

- I'm afraid that's true.
- Well, how'd that work?

Oh, it involved the
International Date Line.

But the point is

I watched a lot of students stumble

and drift through the system
to come out on the other side

without any real education.

Some of them did what you're doing...

testing the boundaries, rebelling,

hoping to get cut loose.

Okay.

Well, I'm not going to let
the same thing happen here.

Love that. Don't like
where this is going.

You're going to be an example.

I'm not going to suspend
you or anything else.

We are going to make a
successful student out of you.

- Now hang on a second...
- And you're the perfect choice.

So if you want to act up
again, just know if you do,

it's not going to change your situation.

Oh, man, are you sure I'm the right guy?

There's a fat kid who
likes to touch dicks.

You're late for class.

[BELL RINGS]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Maybe I could just tell
Matty to go f*ck himself.

No way, dude, my dad's a sadist.

He thought Vietnam was fun.

Jesus, really?

Yeah, he cried when the
helicopters came to pick him up.

You don't want to piss him off,
man. He'll kick you out of the house.

You'll starve.

What the hell kind of f*cked-up wish

makes it so your teddy
bear comes to life,

but he's still got to eat?

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

Oh, man, there she is.

Yeah, we got practice in a half hour.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Did you see that?

- What?
- That was a joint.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Teddy, that's your ticket out of here.

What? What do you mean?

You get caught with dr*gs
in school, you're gone.

It's like zero tolerance here.

Oh, f*ck, wow.

Hey, you ever smoked weed?

- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

Really? The whole time you were famous?

Yeah, I was afraid my
fur would catch on fire.

I got no flame retardant.

All right, well, anyway,
you don't got to smoke it.

You just got to get caught with it.

Well, f*ck, let's go talk to her.

You f*cking kidding me?

I'm not going to talk to Sheila Borgwat.

Borgwat? f*cking God, it
just keeps getting worse.

No way, man. No, no.
I'm not going over there.

Come on, Johnny, you're
not asking her out.

You're just asking her for dr*gs.

You said you stare at her every day.

This is the perfect
excuse to go talk to her.

No, man. I got you this far, you do it.

If you don't come with me,

I will tell her you masturbate
to network television.

You m*therf*cker.

I will tell her you watch "Full House"

so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin,

but that you can't always
predict how long the scene is,

so half the time, you ej*cul*te
to an establishing sh*t.

- You wouldn't.
- Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!

Oh, Lor... oh, f*ck, a tasteful duplex.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me.

Hi. Uh, hi, I'm uh...

I'm John Bennett.

Hi there. Ooh, you just,
uh, wash your hands?

Uh, yeah, just when I... you
know, a while ago, not now.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I had diarrhea.

Hi, I'm Ted.

- I'm Sheila.
- Oh, let's not ruin things.

Hey, listen, we couldn't help but notice

you were smoking a little pot.

Yeah, midterms, you know?

What, are you going to narc on me?

- Oh, we're not judging.
- No, absolutely not.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Teddy and I often partake of...

el bowl.

And the pot inside it, uh...

cha-cha-cha.

It wasn't much diarrhea.

- Can we have dr*gs, please?
- [CHUCKLES] Sorry?

We're just... we're
looking to get some weed.

We thought maybe you could help us out.

Yeah, uh, how old are you again?



Oof.

Yeah, sorry, bro, that's
not going to happen.

It's not for him. It's for me.

Look, I get why you can't
give a high school kid pot.

But talking teddy bears
are all good, right?

We all take dr*gs.

The f*cking Care Bears
are all meth addicts,

Paddington's on Quaaludes,
and Fozzie's a cokehead.

You know he was in the
room when John Belushi d*ed?

Look, I can't help you guys out.

But if you want, I can hook
you up with my connection.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

And might I say, you are a
very beautiful woman, Shelly...

- Sheila.
- Oh, God, I know.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

All right, this is it.

All right, this is my
allowance for the month.

If Dad asks where it went,

we bought tickets to
see "Schindler's List."

What do you mean?
That's only like 8 bucks.

sh*t, you're right.

Well, what did we do with the rest?

Uh, we were so moved that
we donated it to Jew causes.

That is so nice of us.

Maybe we should actually do that.

What, are you f*cking crazy?

Get your head in the
game. We got dr*gs to buy.

sh*t, sorry.

Just be careful in there, okay?

I hear some of these
dealers can be sketchy.

Just don't get sh*t, buddy.

Will you relax? I'll be
fine. I'll see you in a few.

[BABY CRYING]

[DOG BARKING]

[TED KNOCKS AT DOOR]

Hi, I'm here for the weed...

No f*cking way.

Ted, what the hell are you doing here?

- It's you?
- Who gave you this address?

f*cking Blaire sells pot?

Jesus Christ. Lower your voice.

- Get inside.
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, un-f*cking believable.

The f*ck do you want?

Wait, so I can't say midget,
but you can sell dr*gs?

What's with all the noise?

Who's this?

This is Ted.

Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.

Oh, yeah. Blaire mentioned you.

You're that teddy bear that
came to life back in the '80s.

Well, yeah, but I've done
other stuff since then.

Like what?

Um, I was the stand-in for
Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."

- Oh.
- Not a tall man.

Um, hey, how come you're
selling weed anyway?

Sarah and I grow it
here in her apartment,

and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

Ted, listen to me.

You cannot tell Uncle Matty
and Aunt Suze, all right?

They will kick me out
of the f*cking house.

It's hard enough to pay for school.

I can't afford a higher rent too.

Wait. Matty charges you rent?

Not as much as I pay for an apartment,

but still, 200 bucks a month.

For that crappy room over the garage?

Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't
be caught dead in that place.

I'm allowed to make that joke.

Johnny and I donate to Jew causes.

Okay, well, I still need the room,

so you cannot say a f*cking word.

Hey, look, man, I'm not
here to bust anybody.

I just want the ganja.

You've never smoked before, have you?

What are you... what
are you talking about?

Yeah, I have. I do lots of dr*gs.

Yeah? Like what?

I'm on coke right now. See?

Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up
I just wanna write a novel

and punch everything! Ow! Ow!

Ah, just kidding. Doesn't hurt
'cause on account of the coke.

- Bullshit.
- I don't know what I'm talking about.

Please, can I have marijuana?

[SIGHS] Fine. You got cash?

No. Wait. Sarah, we're...
we're not selling him pot.

- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

Uh, are you f*cking high already?

Your best friend, my little cousin,

is 16 years old.

I'm not gonna enable him.

Well, I'm not either.

I'm not even gonna tell him I have it.

It's for me, Blaire. I swear to God.

When have I ever lied to you?

Like ten seconds ago when
you said you were on coke.

Well, yeah. But since then,
I've given it to you straight.

Look, Blaire. We need the money.

- Why not just do it?
- That's right, Blaire.

You need the money, I need this.

Look, do you have any
idea what it's like

to be the biggest star in the world

and then nobody gives a sh*t about you?

I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.

I gotta escape my demons,

and it's either dr*gs or the church.

You know what they do to guys my size?

Oh, please, don't make
me suck a deacon's d*ck!

[SOFT DRAMATIC JAZZ MUSIC]

We should smoke it.

Wait, what?

Johnny, this is my ticket out of school.

Yeah, I know. I mean,
not... not all of it.

Just, you know, we smoke some
and save some for the plan.

Well, Johnny, I... I promised
Blaire it was just for me.

Teddy, think about it, all right?

I bet I'm the only kid in
school who hasn't smoked.

I haven't smoked. I haven't had
sex. I haven't had a girlfriend.

Clive's right. I'm a f*cking loser.

I mean, you're like my only real friend,

and we're sitting here with real pot.

It's here in person.

This could be the day
I start being cool.

Yeah, today is the day you
told a girl you had diarrhea.

Don't put too much weight on today.

- Wait. Hang on, hang on.
- What?

Well, you and me have been best friends

like our whole lives.

We're about to get high
together for the first time.

Yeah, so?

Let's do this right.

[FORMAL DRUMBEAT]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Should we say grace?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Hello, God.

It's me, Ted, one of
your weirder creations.

Sorry about what I said today.

Not that your deacons aren't attractive,

but I'm saving my mouth for marriage.

Let us not be so high that
we have to call an ambulance.

Amen.

Amen.

Okay.

Let there be light.

[w*r'S "LOW RIDER"]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ All my friends know the low rider ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The low rider is a little higher ♪

♪ ♪

[BOTH VOCALIZING POORLY]

Yeah.

[BOTH VOCALIZING POORLY]

Hell yeah, man.

[BOTH VOCALIZING POORLY]

I was so f*cking hungry.

- I was so hungry too.
- Mm-hmm.

It's so weird. You know,
this is like the perfect food

for the perfect night.

Yeah, like who invented
food? That guy rocks.

Well, if I knew you guys were
going to get so gussied up,

I would have made something fancier.

No, Mom. This is perfect.

These are perfect Steak-Umms.

The perfect Steak-Umm.

It's right here. Just... just feel it.

[SIGHS]

I can feel your love in this, Ma.

I'm so happy you love it so much.

Jesus, you guys are acting like

it's today's special at Legal Sea Food.

It's fine.

I think it's delicious, Suze.

Can you guys believe

that we're just, like,
we're sitting here,

and we're, like, having an experience

and experiencing reality all at once.

Hey, Susan. Susan, I just wanna
say you have found your haircut.

What, you think so?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You could ride this to


Well, I just took a picture
of Tipper Gore into the salon,

and I said, now, I know
it can't be like that,

but try to get it as close as you can.

And so well, uh...

Tipper Gore should bring
in a picture of you.

Stop it.

[LAUGHING] This night.

Is there a f*cking
gas leak or something?

It's funny. I ate all those
Steak-Umms, and I'm still hungry.

Oh, f*ck. These are so good.

So good.

And look at the intricate carvings.

Yeah.

Yeah, is this some Illuminati sh*t?

That's what I've heard.

Like, if you can decipher
what's on an Oreo,

you can know the mind of God.

I heard no two Oreos are alike.

Hey.

What a great conversation.

I f*cking knew it.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Hi, Blaire.

You guys are stoned.

Look, Blaire, Blaire, it's
a little more complicated.

No, you f*cking swore
it was just for you.

All right. Okay.

I didn't wanna have to resort to this.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] I love you.

See? Now you're not mad at me anymore.

And f*ck you, by the way.

I've been trying for two weeks
to get Susan to fix that haircut.

Blaire, listen. It's my fault.

He tried to say no, and I pressured him.

No, no, no. You're 16, all right?

He's a talking teddy bear.
It's his f*cking fault.

Okay, look, look, look. I
think if we all just take

a couple of deep breaths
here and just try...

f*ck!

Ted?

Come on, where the hell are
you? I just want to talk.

Yeah, bullshit!

How the hell did you get up there?

Climbed the drainpipe.

Okay, well, why don't
you come on down here

and we can discuss the situation?

No, 'cause you're gonna come at me.

I-I'm not. I promise.

It wasn't my fault.

Oh, my God, your boy, he's on the roof!

It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.

I'll call the fire department!

That's really not necessary.

But your son, he's gonna fall!

He's not.

Yeah, there's a lot here

you're not understanding, Mrs. Fechhko.

For God's sake, you've
been listening to the news?

Eisenhower says we
all gotta stay inside!

Oh, my God!

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Ted, get down here, okay?

I'm not gonna talk to you like this.

Yeah, well, tough sh*t. I'm
gonna live up here from now on.

That's insane. You're insane.

No, I'm not.

I'll get Johnny to bring
me food and maybe even soil

so I can grow crops right
here in the rain gutter.

And if the weather's
temperate, by harvest season,

I'll be able to...

f*ck!

Okay, you little sh*t, you
are in a lot of trouble.

- Look, it was...
- You gave pot to a 16-year-old.

I mean, what the f*ck were you thinking?

Well, on the bright side, he loved it.

I sold that pot to you.

Yeah, you were wrong to do that.

You do realize I am now responsible

for introducing dr*gs
to my underage cousin?

I could be in really deep sh*t here.

Boy, it must be cool being
this tall all the time.

Get rid of that weed or so help me God,

you are going in the f*cking dryer.

Oh, big deal. I've been in dryers.

I'll put you in a Matty load.

Okay, f*ck. I'll do it. I'll do it.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay. So we plant the weed in my locker.

Then you go to the
principal and rat me out.

She searches my locker, and
boom, it's back to Plinko.

- All right.
- Not yet, not yet.

We gotta wait till the bell rings.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Just act normal.

Right now, we're just two guys

standing here, having a conversation.

Yeah.

About what?

I don't know. Uh, what's
the last movie you saw?

- Uh, "Alive."
- Which one's that?

Oh, it's the one where
the rugby team crashes

in the Andes in the '70s
and they ran out of food,

so they had to eat each other.

- You're kidding.
- No, it's a true story.

Like... like, eat each other
alive like they're trading?

Like, you give me your
hand, I give you my foot?

No, no. It's like some of
the guys d*ed in the crash,

and then the ones that survived
had to eat the dead guys.

Oh, man. Yeah, I... I couldn't do that.

Me neither, man.

Plus, it's all dudes,
so it's even worse.

Yeah... what?

It's all dudes, you know?

You're eating guys.
It's like double gross.

Well, I mean... I mean,

I would think it would be
objectionable across the board.

No, no. Yeah, it would. It's
just like a hat on a hat.

So if you were on a plane that crashed

and Tom Hanks and Diane
Keaton were on it too,

and they d*ed and you survived,

who would you eat first?

Am I the only other person on the plane?

- Yeah.
- What about the pilots?

It's an experimental
aircraft, all automated.

Well, maybe that's why it went down.

But the technology still
needed more study, yes,

but the Pentagon was getting impatient

and they wanted results, so
they pushed up the launch.

Wait, why wouldn't they have
a seasoned flight crew on board

instead of two actors?

Oscar-winning-actors.

- Fair enough.
- These are taxpayer dollars.

They need the public's interest or
support for the funding dries up.

Wait, since when does the
m*llitary need public support

to fund experimental aircraft?

Would you eat Tom Hanks or Diane Keaton?

I'd start with Diane

and then if I didn't get
rescued, I'd move on to Tom.

Yeah, see? I think it's
weird that you have an opinion

- one way or the other.
- [BELL RINGING]

Okay. Here we go. Let me have it.

Man, we really put a dent
in this thing, didn't we?

Whoa. What have we got here?

Oh, sh*t.

- Bennett, you partake?
- Give it back, Clive.

John Bennett gets high.

Maybe you're not as much
of a p*ssy as I thought.

That is a very important bag of weed.

Now, I know where to get a free buzz.

- Thanks, Bud.
- [LOCKER CRASHES LOUDLY]

- [BULLIES LAUGH]
- God damn it, Clive.

We need that weed!

[TED YELLS]

Teddy!

- sh*t.
- Teddy, are you okay?

[TED GROANS]

What the hell are you
two doing out here?

Get to class now.

Um, "227" sucks balls and so do you.

Okay, now, you know I didn't mean that.

I just needed a reason
to be dragged in here.

Look, you can trash-talk me, Ted,

but nobody throws shade at Pearl Shay.

Yes. I apologize.

We have all benefited
from her windowsill wisdom.

She is a national treasure.

But listen, you gotta
kick me out of school.

Ted, I already told you.

I have weed.

- What?
- I am in possession of marijuana

here on school premises.

May I see it?

Well, I... I lost it.

You lost it?

Yeah, but... but he had weed, all right?

I'm a witness.

I would need to see the marijuana

for there to be consequences.

Look, we are telling you the truth.

Yeah, I'm a bad seed. See? Look.

- [SQUEAKY VOICE] I love you.
- dr*gs!

I love dr*gs.

I'm sorry, boys. I can't just
take your word that you have pot.

Ah, this is bullshit, man.
I'm getting railroaded.

All right, look, Clive has
it, all right? Go check.

- Clive?
- Yeah.

Well then, if Clive has
it, he's the one in trouble.

No, no. It's not his weed.
He was just holding it for me.

Okay. We're done here.

All right. It's okay.

This m*therf*cking
bear's got a backup plan.

[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

All right, it's clear.

Teddy, I don't like this. It's stealing.

What am I supposed to
do? Just ask her for it?

She'll shove me in the
dryer with Matty's clothes.

Well, how bad could that be?

Matty changed his pants during dinner.

Yeah, that's bad.

All right, let's find it.

- Jesus.
- What?

There's a whole drawer here
that's just cans of tuna.

How sad.

Wait. Wait.

Oh, f*ck yeah.

- You found it?
- Jackpot.

Great. Let's go.

[APPROACHING INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- f*ck.
- sh*t.

Let's go in here.

[APPROACHING INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All the way over and dances.

Hang on a sec. I think I have
a pack around here somewhere.

Oh, thank you so much.

The CVS only had the men's razors,

and I think those are only for faces.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

You know, it's the '90s, Aunt Suze.

You can go without shaving
your legs if you want.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

When I was in high school,

I used to forget sometimes
and I'd get made fun of.

Oh, really? I hate that.

It's probably why I'm so
self-conscious about it.

[SIGHS]

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure. Anything.

One of the girls who
used to make fun of me,

her name was Margie Cronin.

She used to call me Sasquatch.

She was so mean to me in school,

and afterward, we didn't see
each other for a long time.

And then about a year ago,

I saw in the flatware
department at Bradley's.

And I saw that she'd lost a hand.

And I was so happy about it.

Does it make me a terrible person?

I don't... I don't think so.

Because I felt so
awful about my feelings.

And I went to confession
and Father O'Neill said,

"Well, God wouldn't approve of that."

Maybe this Christmas I
should make her a mitten.

- Uh, maybe.
- With a pretty, little card that says,

"I'm sorry for your hand."

I would just let that one lie.

[SKITTERING]

[BOTH YELL BRIEFLY]

What was that noise?

I think someone's in the closet.

- W-w-what's that?
- It's Mace.

Just be careful.

[ALL SCREAMING]

- BOTH: f*ck!
- What the f*ck?

Oh, it burns!

Why the f*ck do you have Mace?

Why the f*ck are you in my closet?

What, do you protect your
tuna collection with that?

Answer the question.

Why do you have the f*cking tuna?

Are you scared to eat
our food? What is it?

Answer my question.

- [TED SCREAMING]
- Teddy! Teddy, where are you?

Oh, my God.

Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?

- Oh, sh*t.
- What are you doing with dr*gs?

- Aunt Suze.
- [JOHNNY AND TED SCREAMING]

This is my fault.

[JOHNNY WAILING]

We opened our home to you.

We let you stay here in our house

so you could go to that g*dd*mn school.

I know, Uncle Matty. And
believe me, I am so sorry.

And you pay us back by
dealing dr*gs to our son?

I never wanted John to get
involved, I promise you.

I sold the pot to Ted.

I never should have let Johnny try it.

I have failed in my role as a... a...

a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure.

I don't know what the big deal is.

You know, weed's gonna be
legal in like a year anyway.

It's a gateway drug! They
talk about it on the news!

Well, what are we supposed
to do? Start with heroin?

Well, why in God's name are
you dealing dr*gs at all?

My friend, Sarah and I, we
grow it in her apartment,

and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

Well, you... you can't
work at McDonald's?

It's 15k a year, Matty.

I'd have to sell myself at McDonald's.

Oh, you could call it Filet-O-Flesh.

- Is that something?
- She won't even work, and here we are

putting her up out of the
goodness of our hearts!

Egg McFuckin', maybe?

The goodness of your hearts
and a monthly rent check.

A Quarter To Pound Her?

I... should I stop? I feel
like there's no traction here.

Matty?

You're charging her rent?

Yes, I am.

This is my house. I got
the right to charge rent.

But, Matty, she's family.

- Susan.
- She's our niece.

Susan, will you be quiet
and let me handle this?

Hey, don't talk to her like that.

- Excuse me?
- You do this all the time.

You silence her voice, you belittle her,

you cut her down, you
treat her like sh*t.

I do not.

I love my f*cking
wife, and she knows it.

Don't you, Susan?

I can't believe you'd make her pay rent.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the
one in the hot seat here.

She's a drug dealer, and I want
her out of this house tonight.

Matty, please.

End of discussion! Tonight!

Come on. Wait.

Christie! That was the
Black Barbie's name.

[DOWNBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Blaire, uh, can we
talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Got a couple minutes
before I become homeless.

Hey, listen, Blaire.
Uh, I'm really sorry.

Me too.

Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.

We didn't want you to have to leave.

Even if your bed is the
size of a pool table.

I mean, that's probably about
the size of a pool table, right?

Shut the f*ck up, Teddy.

Look, we know you're mad
because Dad gave you the boot.

- But...
- Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.

You have no idea why I'm mad.

Do you know all the details
of why I've been living here

when my own family
lives 45 minutes away?

I could easily commute to school,

but my family is f*cked,
every one of them.

In case you don't get
the scope of things,

my dad, your Uncle Bernie,
is a drunk and an assh*le,

my mom's a psycho lunatic,
and my brother's in prison.

Jesus. What about your dog?

- Dead.
- f*ck.

Mom and Dad are lost causes, but...

I tried so hard to protect Kevin.

And I couldn't.

He's his parents' son, so
now he's serving ten years

for robbing a Mrs. Fields at gunpoint

and possession of cr*ck.

Well, I mean, Mrs. Fields and cr*ck.

It's like what's the difference, right?

[TED CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Please, continue.

Look, I just...

I don't want the same
thing to happen to you.

And when I moved here, I told myself

that I was gonna look after you

and make sure the f*cked up Bennett DNA

didn't get to you too.

And instead, I introduced you

to the wonderful world of dr*gs.

I'm not mad at you, all
right? I'm mad at myself.

Look, Blaire, I...

I never expected you to
look out for me like that.

Just take care of yourself, all right?

Our family is poison.

Do better than them.

Where you gonna go?

Stay with Sarah for a few weeks.

There's an open spot near the sativa.

But after that, I don't know.

See you.

[FADING FOOTSTEPS]

God, Lori Loughlin's f*cking gorgeous.

That woman can do no wrong.

Hey, don't start jerking off.

Hey, that poster is not for jerking off.

It's for imagining being
married, you sick f*ck.

- Wow.
- Yeah!

You... you've imagined the wedding?

Well, yeah.

The cover of "People"
magazine's a photo of us,

and it says, "Who's Loughlin now?"

So you took her name?

No, no. But they need to sell copies.

Well, it's good to know
you can be both erect

and market-savvy.

[SIGHS]

Teddy, this whole Blaire
situation is really shitty.

[SIGHS] Yeah, I know.

I mean, I never knew she
thought of me that way.

It's like a little brother.

I always wanted a brother or a sister,

and there she was,
right there all along.

Yeah.

I guess under all that
complaining about racism,

there's actually a good person in there.

Teddy, we gotta do something.
I mean, this is our fault.

Like, maybe I can talk to Dad,
get him to change his mind.

Yeah, good luck. He's
never gonna listen.

I mean, we can't just lay here
and let her get f*cked over.

There's gotta be something we can do.

Wait a minute. You know what?

There is.

We are gonna open the box.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

There you go.

I'll be right outside. Just let
me know when you're finished.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Did you know that

textile polymers are so thin
nowadays that someone could be

wearing an adult diaper and
no one would even know it?

- What?
- No bulky padding,

no unsightly bulges in the trousers.

I... I didn't know that. No.

It's amazing.

A person, anyone could be talking to you

and relieving themselves
at the same time.

And you'd never even
know it. [SIGHS SOFTLY]

- Okay.
- And that's great news.

Are you wearing a diaper?

No. Don't make this weird.

- Okay.
- I'm just saying

the technology has come so far

that limits practically don't exist.

It's all about confidence.

So take that long car ride,

climb that mountain,
have that iced tea refill.

We... we will.

What limits?

Jesus, we gotta switch banks.

Yeah, seriously.

Here it is.

Yep.

You're sure you wanna do this, right?

I mean, once Dad finds out you have it,

there's no going back, like ever.

He's gonna go nuts.

That's why I never told him.

I guess deep down,

I was saving it for a day like this

when the chips were down
and all hope seemed lost.

Okay.

Good. Let's do it.

All right, we're done!

Sir?

- [KEYS JINGLING]
- I need you to open box 1080.

There's a pair of jeans in there!

- What?
- Just do it!

[INSECTS DRONING]

What, you're just...
you're just not gonna...

not gonna talk to me for
the rest of your life, huh?

Is that it?

Well, you'd... you've... you've taken

a... taken a vow of silence,
like a... like a monk, huh?

You're gonna... you're
gonna shave your head too?

'Cause, well, go ahead.

Go ahead, then you
won't... then you won't...

then you won't clog the shower drain.

What do you guys want?

I want to cut a deal.

What? What are you talking about?

Let me tell you a story, Matty.

Back when I was in Hollywood,

I almost made a movie with Sly Stallone.

- Bullshit.
- No bullshit.

- "Rocky" Stallone?
- Yep.

He came to me with a
project and I said yes.

It was gonna be about this astronaut cop

and this wisecracking bear.

I was the bear.

And they gotta go to
space to save Christmas,

but then the "Challenger" exploded,

so they had to scrap the project.

Oh, man, what a bummer.

I know, right?

I mean, that's when
America could have used

a movie like that the most!

Anyway, Stallone felt
really bad about it,

so he gave me this.

- What is it?
- Rocky's mouth guard.

f*ck you. You're kidding.

- Nope.
- You're sh1tting me.

No sh*t.

Wait. Does that mean...

Yes, the one at Planet
Hollywood is a fake.

Holy...

holy sh*t!

Holy f*cking sh*t!

Now, I will give you
this priceless item...

- [MATTY GASPS]
- If you give Blaire another chance.

- Huh?
- Just let her stay.

Oh.

I don't know.

Hey, why don't you put it on?

Go on.

That was in Sylvester
Stallone's mouth in 1976.

See how it feels in yours.

Mmm.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh.

Oh, wow.

I feel him.

I... I... I feel him in my mouth.

You gotta go the distance, Matty.

Rocky would never have given up

on his brother's wife's daughter.

And neither should you.

- No.
- What do you say?

[MATTY PANTING SOFTLY]

- Okay.
- Okay, what?

She can stay.

Oh, Matty, you mean it?

- Yeah, f*ck it.
- Oh! [SMOOCHES]

Oh, honey, and no rent?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Right?

- Fine, fine.
- Thank you so much.

[MATTY SIGHS]

I'm gonna sleep in it.

Nice job, Teddy.

- We did it.
- Yeah, we did.

You know, I think you and Stallone
could still make that movie.

Oh, God. No way. It was
total f*cking garbage.

I don't wanna sound
crazy, but I honestly think

Paramount blew up the space shuttle

so they wouldn't have
to make that movie.

Jesus, that bad, huh?

- It was that bad, yeah.
- sh*t.

[PEACEFUL JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I don't know how to thank you guys.

I mean, never in a million
years did I expect this.

You know, I was starting to think

it was impossible for any
of us to break the curse

of the Bennett blood, but what you did,

it gives me a lot of hope.

Thank you.

Ah, we were just trying
to make things right.

No, no, no, no. I... I mean it, though.

You're not like the rest of the family.

You've got a sh*t.

I think of my dad,
drunk on his ratty couch,

watching "Flash Gordon" or some sh*t,

but that's not gonna be you.

You... you're gonna do
something with your life.

You're gonna be somebody.

Thanks, Blaire.

Just promise me this.

No more dr*gs. Yeah?

No more dr*gs.

No more dr*gs.

- Besides pot.
- Besides pot.

[QUEEN'S "FLASH"]

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ Savior of the universe ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ He'll save every one of us ♪

♪ ♪

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

[expl*si*n]

♪ ♪

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ He's a miracle ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ King of the impossible ♪

♪ ♪

♪ He's for every one of us ♪

♪ Stand for every one of us ♪

♪ He saves with a mighty hand ♪

♪ Every man, every woman, every child ♪

♪ It's the mighty flash ♪

♪ ♪

[EXPLOSIONS]

♪ ♪

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Flash! ♪

♪ A-ah! ♪

♪ He'll save every one of us ♪