01x03 - Ejectile Dysfunction

[bunniefuu]

[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks again for
picking us up, Blaire.

Yeah, no problem. What'd
you guys end up seeing?

"Jurassic Park."

It's, like, the greatest movie

I've ever f*cking seen, like, ever.

Yeah, Spielberg actually
got real dinosaurs.

Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

- No, he did.
- No, he did. He totally did.

There's no other explanation.

I promise you guys he did
not get real dinosaurs.

Well, that's-that's a
ignorant thing to say, Blaire,

when you didn't see the movie.

Yeah, no, he made
"ET" and he made "Jaws"

and this was his reward.

He got real dinosaurs to play with.

- It all adds up.
- My only criticism of the movie...

who has open cups of water in the car?

Oh yeah, that was weird.

Yeah, it's like, you
want a lid for that water?

Nah, that's okay. I'm
just riding in the jungle.

Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store?

I want to rent a movie.

You just saw a movie.

Yeah, I know. And now,
we got dinosaur fever.

We want to see more
movies with dinosaurs.

[GROANS]

Fine, but you got to be
quick. I got plans tonight.

Oh, yeah? What-what
do you got going on?

Just stuff.

Like college stuff?

Yes.

- Toga party?
- No.

- f*cking rush week?
- No.

f*cking around with the new pledges,

but then Diane goes a little too far

and something horrible happens

but then you all kind of
work together to cover it up

and then the next day,

you just go to class
like nothing happened

but now you're all bonded for life

by, like, a horrible secret,

and it seems like it's
all going to be okay

but then Rachel seems a little shaky

and you wonder if she's
going to be a problem?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I'm just making conversation.

♪ ♪

Okay, you got five minutes.
Hurry up and pick something.

Okay.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Teddy.
- Yeah?

You ever seen a p*rn?

Yeah, I saw a lot of them
when I was out in Hollywood.

They as awesome as people say?

They are, Johnny.

What are they like?

Well, you turn it on, you settle in,

you get your Kleenex and your lotion,

and you... you f*cking go to town.

Wow.

Sounds amazing.

Yeah, especially
afterward when it's over

and you think about what you did.

- Really?
- Yeah, and you clean yourself up

but the p*rn's still
going on in the background,

but it seems twice as loud now.

And even though you
didn't leave the house,

you know you've contributed
to a woman's nightmare.

Oh, and you can't shove that
sock in the hamper deep enough.

Man, every time I come in
here and I see those doors,

it's like it's so mysterious.

The private, exclusive
adults-only room.

[CLASSY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[POSH ENGLISH ACCENT]
Master John, Master Ted.

I'm so delighted that you've joined us.

Are we thinking of renting
some p*rn this evening?

[POSH ENGLISH ACCENT]
Indeed, we are, Lloyd.

Splendid, splendid.

We have quite a fine
selection for your perusal.

[POSH ENGLISH ACCENT] Mm,
well, what would you recommend?

Your preference, sir.

Would you like to feel in charge,

or like an itty, bitty baby?

I do believe I would
like to feel like a baby.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] No one has
ever chosen the other one, sir.

Yes, I would imagine not.

[CHORTLING LAUGHTER]

Very good, sir.

I'll be right back with
your cream and kerchief.

How's the wife, Lloyd?

Well, sir, I'm afraid that
Clara passed away last month.

Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry.

Thank you, sir. She fought bravely,

but there was nothing
the doctors could do.

And how is your son taking the loss?

We haven't spoken since
she passed away, sir.

I'm afraid that Jeremy blames
me for his mother's death.

How terrible.

Thank heaven I have my work.

Elsewise, I'm not sure I
could go on living myself.

Well, enjoy your p*rn, sir.

[NORMALLY] Jesus.
Your fantasy includes the guy

losing his wife and family?

[NORMALLY] Well I mean, the son
didn't die, they're just estranged.

I just feel like by putting all that

on him, it distracts from our story.

Teddy, you want to go in there?

In the back room?

Yeah.

Yeah, don't you think it's about time

I rented my first p*rn?

Well, I hope you've
gotten everything done

that you need to get done ever.

- Why?
- Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it.

Hey! No one under 18
in the adult section!

Ah, sh*t.

It's all right, Johnny.
I'll go and get it.

You hear me?

I said no one under 18!

It's all right, buddy. It's just me.

You came to life in 1985.
That makes you what, eight?

Dude, it's a little different.

No. Rules are rules!

Ah, sh*t.

Wow, what an amazing selection!

These are all so erotic!

All right, if you guys are done
humiliating yourselves in public,

can we get out of here?

Uh, Blaire.

I'm not renting you p*rn.

- Oh, come on, you gotta.
- No, I don't.

Blaire, I'm already 16.

Okay, if I was Mormon, I'd
be a grandfather by now.

Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.

I'm basically an adult already, okay?

I just want to watch an adult movie.

All right, fine.

- What?
- What?

I don't have time to stand
here all day and argue.

Okay, just go wait in the car.

- Holy sh*t. f*cking awesome!
- Oh, my God, Blaire!

- You're f*cking amazing, Blaire!
- Wow, Thank you so much!

Blaire, this is f*cking awesome!

- Thank you so much!
- Oh, you're the f*cking best!

Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you,

that's probably what
we're going to like.

- I'm going to count to three.
- Okay.

All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie.

Oh, we will.

Oh, and don't be thrown
when you turn it on.

It's black and white.

- Even better.
- Yeah, finally.

- We're telling their stories.
- Yeah, love that.

Representation matters.

Glad to hear it.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

We got at least an hour
before Mom gets back.

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC ON TV]

All right, p*rn time!

♪ ♪

Whoa. "The 400 Blows."

Whoever this guy is, he's going
to be a nub by the end of it.

Ah, French f*cking. All right.

Little hairy, but I'm on board.

- [NASAL FRENCH LAUGH]
- [BOTH LAUGHING NASALLY]

That's what the f*cking's
going to sound like.

♪ ♪

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Jesus, how the f*ck long
has this been going on?

You guys enjoying the movie?

No! It sucks!

How the f*ck is this a p*rn?

Well, I rented you guys an adult movie,

as in a movie for adults.

Oh, you suck.

No, no, but wait, they were
talking about ball sacks.

- Balzac.
- Yeah, exactly. So where were they?

Are saying you don't like the film?

No! No, there's no sex
at all in this movie.

Just ennui.

I did you a favor.

No, we want to look at genitals.

Trust me, it's overrated.

Wait, what do you mean? You watch p*rn?

Uh, no. But a guy from my school did

mail me a photo of
his d*ck last semester.

- Oh.
- He even sh*t it in sepia tone.

Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey?

- Yeah.
- Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"?

You want the kicker? It was flaccid.

Wait, so he didn't even do the work?

Nope. Just a flaccid
d*ck with a fancy filter.

Well, I guess even a great director

can't save a bad script.

[SIGHS] Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys.

It's a classic.

f*ck this.

[ACTORS SPEAKING FRENCH ON TV]

[SWITCH CLICKS, VCR WHIRRING]

[REPETITIVE CLICKING]

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Everyone, Matty and I have some news.

Oh, man. It finally happened.

Look, I'm sure this was
a tough decision to make,

but there's no sense in
postponing the inevitable.

You know what? Not every
marriage is meant to last forever.

And at a certain point,

you're just throwing
good years out the bag.

We're going out to dinner.

Hey! That's...

one of my favorite meals.

We're going to go out,

we're going to have a nice,
romantic evening tomorrow.

Just the two of us just because.

And we're going to have a lovely time.

That's right.

My wife deserves a night
out just for being her.

We're going to have a...
we're going to have

a great meal,
and it's going to be terrific!

- [HAND SLAMS ON TABLE LOUDLY]
- Jesus.

- Take it easy.
- What?

I'm f*cking happy. It's
going to be a great night.

You know, I wonder if years
from now, we'll find out

this was all just one
big, long heart att*ck.

Teddy, can I speak to you in private?

Okay, this is perfect.

Mom and Dad are going
to be out of the house

and Blaire's got school.

There will never be a better time.

- For what?
- To rent a real p*rn.

Well, how are we supposed to do it?

That butt nut in the
store says we got to be 18.

There's a different guy that comes in

at 6:00 for the night shift, all right?

We get fake IDs,

we go in after 6:00,
we can rent that p*rn.

I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk.

- I mean, if we get caught...
- Teddy.

Watching other people
have sex on a TV screen,

that's just about the
coolest thing a person can do.

It's worth the risk.

By this time tomorrow,
that dream could be ours.

All right. Let's get some sleep.

- We jerk at first light.
- Right.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BLOWS AIR]

Okay. Two fake IDs.

That'll be 50 bucks.

We got that same VCR at home.

I don't give a sh*t.

Right there.

My whole allowance for eight weeks.

All right, here we go. Enjoy
your new lives as adults.

Jesus Christ, how old is this guy?

Looks like he's 40.

Hey, you'll be fine, all right?

[CHUCKLES] Although Ted's
took a little bit of work.

- I-I can't use this.
- Why not?

It looks like Bob Ross.

It is. It is Bob... this is Bob Ross.

Well, you're a tough fit, pal.

It was either him or
a pair of UGG boots.

Oh, yeah, laugh it up
now, but pretty soon,

I'll be having an
orgasm next to my friend.

Yeah!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet!

That other bastard's still there.

Act like we're just
here to rent a movie.

Ah, yes. This looks like
a good, non-sexual film.

Oh, yes, I have heard many great,

non-sexual things about this movie.

Peter Travers calls it
"a sex-free laugh riot."

"Time" magazine says, "about
as erotic as mom's diarrhea."

The f*ck?

- What?
- The f*ck was that?

What do you mean? I'm just
expanding on your thing.

That's not what I was doing.

Improv's all about "Yes, and... " okay?

You can't just shut me down
like that in the middle of a scene.

Don't do "mom's diarrhea"

and then tell me how I'm
f*cking supposed to do improve.

Jesus Christ. [DOOR OPENS]

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right.

- I'm out of here.
- Later.

Have a good one.

- All right, let's move.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only.

- Ah, yes. Of course.
- [JOHNNY CHUCKLES]

- How forgetful of us.
- Oh, don't worry.

This, uh, this happens all the time.

I understand your mistake.

Oh, my God.

What?

You're Bob Ross!

Uh, yes. Yes, I am.

Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours.

Oh, uh, well, thanks.

I love your whole artistic philosophy.

The way you assign a motion
to every tree and cloud.

Yeah, well, great.

Um, listen, we're going to
head to the adult section

and find ourselves a happy, little bush.

See you in a bit.

Okay.

Wow. Looks like you're
having quite a marathon.

Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser.

Oh, for what?

Jerking...

for Muscular Dystrophy.

Oh, yeah. JMD, of course.

Hey, is there a limit on
how many tapes you can rent?

Not for you, Mr. Ross.

All right, these tapes
are due back Thursday.

There's an $80 fee for any
missing or damaged tapes.

That's a lot of money.

That's a lot of p*rn.

You know, other people
want to masturbate, too!

Not tonight, pal.

[HAND SLAMS ON TABLE LOUDLY]

Okay.

[SOFT CLASSY PIANO MUSIC]

Look at this place. [CHUCKLES]

Isn't this a magical night?

My sock's got a big hole in it.

If I tear it off, will
you shove it in your purse?

Oh, look, Matty!

They have a whole man
just for the pepper!

Oh, let's get something
that needs pepper.

When I was his age,

I was liberating Nha Trang hut-by-hut.

But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too.

Gosh, everything's
just so fancy-schmancy.

I feel like Academy Awards.

Hi there. How are we
doing tonight, folks?

My sock's bugging me.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Can I take your order?

Matty, he's so sweet.

What's your name?

Kevin, ma'am.

Kevin, you go home,
you call your mother,

and you tell her Susan
Bennett from Framingham

said you did an excellent job.

My mother has advanced Alzheimer's.

She has no idea who I am.

I'll have the crab.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Let me ask
you a question there, Kev-o.

Why is the New York strip 24 bucks

but at Rico's Market, it's like 8?

Well, supermarket prices
and restaurant prices

- are different...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pretty sweet
markup, 16 bucks for heat.

That seem fair to you, Kev-o?

You could order the junior steak

off the kids menu for $9.

Now we're getting
somewhere. [CHUCKLING] Okay.

See that, Susan? He blinked first.

Comes with your choice

of an activity booklet or a silly straw.

Both, Kev-o.

Pile it high and good!

Yes, sir.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Hang on. Do me a favor.

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Throw this out for me, would you?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Wouldn't it be fun to be
a waiter on a cruise ship?

Because when you're
done, you're already home.

I'm going to tell him that.

All right, here we go.

♪ p*rn time, p*rn time ♪

♪ p*rn, p*rn, p*rn time! ♪

- p*rn time!
- All right, let's put one in.

All right. Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

Before we start, we got
to have some ground rules.

- What do you mean?
- Well, like, where are you sitting?

- On the couch.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you in my eyeline.

Okay, we could, like, build
a divider or something,

like a pillow fort.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe
we should watch alone.

Like in shifts.

Yeah, I don't want to watch p*rn alone.

That feels tragic.

All right, then we'll watch it together.

Yeah, well that feels creepy.

John, we're watching p*rn.

It's either going to
be creepy or tragic.

Those are the choices.

All right, let's go with creepy.

Which one are we starting with?

How is everything?

Oh, it's just wonderful.

Not good, Kev-o.

The word "apple" ain't in here anywhere.

They allow diagonal, sir.

Well, they should put that
in the g*dd*mn directions!

I'll tell the chef.

Yeah.

Matty, you have to try this crab.

- No, I'm fine.
- Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious.

I'm fine. I got my own food.

- Just a baby bite.
- I don't want any.

- Just try. Just one bite.
- Jesus Christ, Susan.

Why is it always so important

that I have some of what you ordered?

I want you to have some of this

because I think you'll like it.

Well if I wanted the g*dd*mn crab,

I would have ordered the g*dd*mn crab!

But in the car on the way home,

I can say, wasn't it
good? And you'll know.

For f*ck's sake! All right!

- You'll know.
- All right!

Oh, g*dd*mn it.

g*dd*mn it!

That's better than what I ordered!

You see? I knew you'd like it.

[MOUTH FULL] sh*t!

I can't wait to talk about it later.

I wish we were in the car right now.

Here.

I got something for you.

Oh, Matty, what is it?

Just open it. Be careful.

A nail?

Yeah. Just before you're finished,

put that in what's left of your food

and then "find" it.

Whole night will be comped.

Hey, Kev-o!

Hi, I'm Brad.

Kevin quit.

Oh, how about this one?

"Interracial Butt Fest."

Oh, thank you, Dr. King.

"a**l Screwlympics VIII."

I didn't see the first seven.
I'm not going to understand it.

Man, this guy's running
his own three-legged race.

[LAUGHING] Oh, let's
start with this one.

You sure that's going to work?

Yeah, I don't know.

But all I'm thinking about
right now is my dead relatives.

Why?

Well, Father White once said
that if you ever masturbate,

then all your dead relatives
are up in heaven watching you.

How is that heaven?

Boy, you know, that is a great point.

I mean, are they up there like,

"Hey, you want to go
to Abe Lincoln's house?

Yeah, I'd like to,

but my nephew is gonna jerk off,

so I got to go watch that."

Okay, so we're fine.

[SULTRY MUSIC ON TV]

[CHUCKLING] All right.

♪ ♪

Oh, he's a doctor.

Looks like it's his first
day at a new hospital.

And that's usually the day

you have sex with everyone, right?

Oh, it sure is, Johnny.

Whoops. Oh, looks like
all her clothes fell off.

- Oh, here we go.
- [MOANING ON TV]

That's a weird thermometer.

Hey, that's funny. I thought they
only took your temperature like that

- when you were a baby.
- Yeah, that's-that's not a...

He's, like, pulling it in and out.

It's never going to get an
accurate reading like that.

[MOANING ON TV INTENSIFYING]

Oh. Well, I guess her prostate's fine.

[MOANING ON TV]

[VCR CLICKS]

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Tape froze.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

[VCR CLICKING]

It's stuck. The tape's stuck!

Oh, sh*t!

It's not coming out.
What are we going to do?

All right. Don't panic, don't panic.

Don't panic? What the
f*ck am I supposed to do?

- I just need a second to think.
- No, there is a p*rn stuck in the f*cking VCR!

- Just let me f*cking think!
- What am I supposed to do?

Just let me f*cking think!
Let me f*cking think!

Okay, we're going to have
to take the machine apart.

All right.

I can't even open it. There's no screws.

- It's just rivets.
- Okay, I got it, I got it.

We got to swap out VCRs.

Get rid of this one,
replace it with a new one.

How are we going to
find a new VCR tonight?

Even if sh*t was still
open, we got no money.

And anyways, this is an older model.

You probably can't even
f*cking find it anymore.

Yes, you can. The AV room
at school! They got one there.

We can go get it tonight.

Going into school after hours?

- Won't that look suspicious?
- There's a game tonight.

The school's open.
We dress like basketball players

and if anyone sees us,
they'll think we're there for the game.

If we blow this, everybody's
going to know we're perverts.

Jesus. All this work, and we
didn't even get to have an orgasm.

Yeah, yeah. Right.

Yeah, man, that f*cking
sucks, both of us...

didn't.

I just don't understand it.

I mean, we're not under construction.

Well, you know, the
good news is she saw it.

Otherwise... [CHUCKLES]

She could have d*ed.

Right, Susan? You could
have d*ed if you ate a nail.

I guess I could have
d*ed if I ate a nail.

I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett.

Of course, your entire
evening is comped.

And if there's anything
else we can do for you,

please tell us.

Yeah, you see that old-timey

diver's helmet you got
there in the window?

I want you to fill it with shrimp.

Wasn't the crab good?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay, almost got it.

Ah. There we go.

Okay, you stay here, I'm going
to make sure the coast is clear.

Okay.

[SPORTS ORGAN PLAYING]

- [DOOR CLANGS LOUDLY]
- Ice it up, Hampton.

- You'll be fine.
- I don't know, Coach.

- I think I heard it break.
- A little ice.

Best thing for it.

Hey, Bennett!

- Uh, yeah?
- We're a man down. Get in there!

No forfeit! We got a
player! [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Actually, Coach, you know I'm not...

Now, Bennett! We got a game to win!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BUZZER BLARES, CROWD ROARING]

Ain't so f*cking hard.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Jesus. What a night, huh?

Matty.

What you did there was a sin.

You lied to them.

Ah, they lied to us first.

g*dd*mn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks.

We're even. And the best part
is I didn't even have to use this.

What is that?

A coupon for one free meal
at Chuck's Steak House.

So all in, we get three free
dinners for the price of one.

Is that why you wanted
to go out to dinner?

Because you had a coupon?

I had a beautiful woman on
my arm and I spent no money.

A perfect evening.

And the activity book!

Hey, Johnny!

Your old man solved a maze tonight!

It's Friday night.
He's probably at the basketball game.

- You're going up?
- Uh, no.

I think I'll stay up
for a while and watch TV.

Suit yourself. Mwah!

I'm going to roll around
in bed and try to burp.

[SUSAN SIGHS]

- [SUSAN SIGHS]
- [VCR WHIRRING]

[SULTRY MUSIC ON TV]

[INTENSE MOANING ON TV]

♪ ♪

Oh...

[MOANING ON TV]

♪ ♪

[MOANING ON TV INTENSIFYING]

- Oh, yeah!
- Yes!

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- Oh, my God!
- [BOTH MOANING]

[SNORING]

- [MATTY FARTS]
- Hey.

Knock it off.

[SNORING]

[SUSAN SIGHS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

You know, I just realized we probably

could have just dressed like
ourselves going to the game.

Hey, shh! The lights are out.

Mom and Dad must be asleep.

All right, I'll swap it out.
You make sure no one's coming.

Right.

♪ ♪

All right, it's done.

Not quite. We still got
to get that tape out.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSICAL CRESCENDO]

- The f*ck?
- Oh, sh*t.

It's gone!

Okay, let's-let's just calm down here.

What do you mean calm
down? The tape's gone!

It can't just be gone.
It's got to be somewhere.

Oh, sh*t.

- Ah sh*t.
- What, what, what?

Somebody found it.

Somebody found it and they took it.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay, tomorrow, when everyone's
out, we search the house.

What if we don't find it?

Then we'll have to rent the
same movie from another store

and return it to the first store

and we'll have to do
that every three days

until the end of time.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Like a p*rn scheme.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, we're in trouble, but we
can still have fun with words.

[BELL TOLLING]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Hello, Susan.

Oh, dear.

I wish you'd close it this time.

We're all sinners in God's eyes.

Well...

I saw a p*rn, Father.

Oh.

And how did you come to see this, Susan?

Matty left it in the VCR.

Earlier that night,
we went out to dinner.

And I thought he was

taking me out for a romantic evening

just the two of us, so
I got all dressed up.

And he didn't even notice.

And then I found out
that he had a coupon.

And that's why he wanted to go out.

And Father, maybe...

I'm not what he wants anymore.

Susan, I'm sure it's
not as bad as all that.

Husbands and wives have
different sensibilities.

There's a reason the Lord made it

so that a man can masturbate
and a woman cannot.

W-well, that's true.

And as for what you saw,

God understands that
you didn't seek it out.

And as long as the man
and the woman in the film

are married and not using birth control,

I don't think you have
anything to worry about.

It wasn't just a man and a woman.

There-there was another woman, too.

I see.

Although she wasn't
really participating.

She was just sort of
choking the other girl.

Well, Matty is your husband.

And if one of you is
bored in the marriage,

then the other may wish to consider

how to address that and ways
to make things more exciting.

Remember, nothing is wrong if
you don't enjoy it too much.

Well, I could certainly try.

Good, good.

So the choking, was she upset by it?

- Or...
- I should probably get home.

All right. To be continued.

[QUIRKY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

No.

♪ ♪

Johnny!

Johnny, I found it.

Oh, f*ck. Thank God.

I know. I just saved us bucks.

Wait, where was it?

Well, it was, uh...

- it was in Susan's underwear drawer.
- What?

Yeah, it was behind the ones
with the pineapples on it.

No, no, no! I don't want to
hear about my mom's underpants.

Oh, but her diarrhea you
bring up at the drop of a hat.

Teddy, do you know what this means?

Mom found "Genital Hospital."

She knows I watch p*rn!

Oh, boy. It looks that way.

I can never face her again.

We have to run away, never to return.

I see no other option.

I'm going to miss this house.

Goodbye, water-stained ceilings.

Goodbye, silverware drawer
that doesn't close all the way.

Goodbye, windows painted shut.

Goodbye, door you have
to lean on to close.

Goodbye, peeling wallpaper
that reveals other wallpaper.

Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.

Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.

Goodbye, lamp that shocks
you every time you touch it.

Goodbye, picture of a
pope from two popes ago.

Goodbye, plastic bag
full of plastic bags.

Goodbye, medicine cabinet
with black mold in the corner.

Jesus, let's get the f*ck out of here.

Yeah, no sh*t.

We sure would like it if you'd
help us with our problem.

Only problem you've got, Sheriff,
is a short supply of guts.

You people don't need me.

Look, place at least
a couple good riflemen

on top of that building up there.

Maybe a couple more with shotguns down

behind green bags over there.

What you watching?

"High Plains Drifter."

It's Clint Eastwood week.

Oh.

What's it about?

Oh, he's a cowboy.

But at the end, you
realize he's a ghost.

But he can still sh**t a g*n,

so, you know, not like...
he's not like a real ghost.

Matty, honey,

can we talk about that movie

that you were watching yesterday?

I can't remember what it was.

They're all kind of the same movie.

Are you entertained by them?

I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like 'em.

Is that what you want?

What you see in those movies?

God no. I just... I just watch 'em.

Well is there one you like best?

I like "Every Which Way But Loose."

- Oh.
- Yeah, that one's crazy.

There's a monkey that
gives everybody the finger.

- [MATTY CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

Yeah, I'd love to see that.

Wow.

It is getting hot in here.

Powerful hot.

We can't run the air conditioner.

Found a dead bird in it.

Repair guy says we got to
wait till its guts dry out

before we run the unit again.

Well I wouldn't know about that.

I'm just a girl.

What are you doing?

I wanted a banana.

Well, then eat it.

Why the hell are you staring at me?

Because...

I've been bad.

What do you mean
you've been bad? You...

oh, Jesus Christ, Susan.

Is that the last one?

God damn it!

Now what am I supposed
to have for my snack?

[MATTY GROANS]

Oh! Oh great, Susan!

A Pringles can with one left!

That'll be satisfying!

Ow! f*cking lamp shocked me again!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yeah?

Aunt Suze, what's up?

Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. Yeah, come on in.

What, uh, what's the matter?

Well...

last night, Matty and
I went out to dinner.

I got all dressed up.

I rubbed on a Clinique
sampler from Redbook.

I don't even think he noticed.

And then when we got
home, I turned on the TV.

And I found...

What?

A p*rn.

Oh.

I think Matty's been watching p*rn.

Right.

Do you think maybe he...

doesn't think I'm exciting anymore?

Am I a disappointment?

No, absolutely not,
Aunt Suze. Listen to me.

You are probably the most
wonderful person that I know.

But if that's what he
wants, what can I do?

I don't want to have
to choke other women.

Yeah, I don't think you need to.

But I'll do it if
that's what Matty wants.

- No, let's not go down that route.
- I'll do what those women did.

I really don't think that's necessary.

I-I-I'll even do what Dr.
Sausage did in that movie.

- I'll do it.
- Okay...

- I'll do it.
- Stop.

Look.

This is difficult for
me to say, but, um,

the tape you found...

it's mine.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I apologize for being so careless.

I never should have left it in the VCR.

It was stupid.

So it's not Matty's?

No, it's not.

[SUSAN GASPS]

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh, I'm so relieved!
- Good.

I thought Matty was bored with me.

Oh, Blaire.

I... ew.

Why did you have a p*rn?

I would say a p*rn-o.

Just hits the ear better.

Why were you watching p*rn-o?

Well, okay, in that
context, you'd say p*rn.

See, if there's an article
in front of it like an "a"

or a "the," it's a p*rn.

But if not, it's just p*rn.

I'm just not going to say it anymore.

Okay. Look, to answer
your question, it...

it was a sorority thing.

We rented a dirty movie.

It was... you know how sororities are.

It's like a prank.

Oh! Oh, it was a prank.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

So Matty and I are just fine!

I would say this one
thing isn't a problem.

But it's...

well, I'd call it a work in progress.

And for the record, Aunt Suze,

I don't think anybody ever
could be bored with you.

Matty is not great at communication.

But unless he's
completely blind or insane,

I bet he still loves you a whole lot.

- Come here.
- Mm.

Aw.

I hope one day, you'll find your Matty.

Oh, that's...

- I'm going to be just fine.
- Let's pray.

["AMAZING GRACE" ON HARMONICA]

♪ ♪

Where are we going to go, Teddy?

I was thinking Saudi Arabia.

I hear nobody's ashamed
to masturbate there.

What do you think they're
doing back at the house?

Probably the same thing
we're doing but with a table.

God.

We watched six seconds of
p*rn and it ruined our lives.

Relax, losers.

Your lives aren't ruined.

- Yet.
- Blaire.

Oh, you're a sight
for sore eyes, you are.

Good Lord, look how you've grown.

How'd you find us?

Uh, harmonica music really carries.

Listen, uh, you don't have to
worry about the p*rn, all right?

- I took the heat for you.
- What?

I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine.

You can come home now.

Blaire, you... you did that for us?

Uh, no. I really did it for Susan.

She was upset enough because
she thought it was Matty's.

If she found out it was yours,
she'd probably cry for a year.

Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much.

- Yeah.
- We really owe you big time.

Oh, yeah, you do.

Now, put out your dumb fire
and let's get out of here.

I love that plan. Because you know what?

We got a p*rn to return.

And I'll tell you one thing.

I would never watch p*rn again.

Even if it was everywhere, all the time.

Even if I had, like, a weird,
little device in my pocket

that would give it to
me whenever I wanted

so I could jerk off
at a moment's notice.

No. Never again.

[SWELLING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

NARRATOR: John kept his promise.

For the next two years.

Then, within five minutes
of discovering the internet,

he pulled on his penis so hard,

it damn near came off.

That didn't deter him from
masturbating four more times

before going to a local urgent care,

where he waited eight hours
in line behind dozens of other men

who had also nearly
pulled their penises off

after discovering the internet.

And now, today, anyone you talk to

has jerked off within
the last 20 minutes.

This is Ian McKellen,

reminding you: Don't
shake anyone's hand.

Good night.

♪ ♪

[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas, that
someone adores you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

♪ ♪