01x07 - He's Gotta Have It

[bunniefuu]

[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]

♪ ♪

♪ My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

All right.

We have come to the final
unit here in health class...

sexual education.

Now, this is mature subject matter,

and I expect you all to
handle it with maturity

like the young adults you are becoming.

I'm scared, Teddy.

What if he shows us a diagram
of a vag*na and I get a boner?

Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.

The sooner you wrap your
head around that, the better.

Sexual intercourse is
a physical expression

of love and affection
that is perfectly natural

and often deadly.

Sexually transmitted diseases include

gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia,

HPV, hepatitis A through C...

♪ JFK, blown away, what
else do I have to say? ♪

- [LAUGHTER]
- ♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

Ted, knock it off!

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

To avoid sexually transmitted disease,

it is important to practice safe sex.

Now, who can tell me what
the safest sex of all is?

No one?

Masturbation.

Hey, if you're gonna assign homework,

Johnny already did it this morning.

Hey, shut the f*ck up, dude!

- He's doing extra credit.
- Be quiet!

- Stop it!
- Oh!

You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.

Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?

Well, it all begins with biology.

- Aw, here we go.
- Let's start

with the female reproductive system.

Oh, no.

Holy sh*t. That's fast, even for you.

[BELL RINGS]

Well, I'm glad that's over, huh?

I know, that was like sex ed for babies.

- What?
- I mean, you're really gonna talk

about masturbation and leave out edging?

Seriously. He didn't even talk about

how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.

Did you see how when
I brought up rimming,

he flipped to the glossary?

- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
- Wait, you t...

you two have had sex?

[SARCASTICALLY] No.

I'm felching my own jizz.

Pfft! Duh, we're 16.

When? With who?

A few weeks ago, with each other.

We didn't want to be
the last ones in school

- to lose our virginity.
- Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]

No. Right, of course.

How... how lame would that be, right?

Wow, I didn't even know
you two guys were dating.

Andrew, I thought you were gay.

I don't know. Might be.

I just know I'm not a f*cking loser.

You're so confident. I love it.

Let's go to the computer room.

We can do it on the Oregon Trail.

Holy sh*t, Teddy, do
you know what this means?

I'm the last virgin in school.

- What about Ben Carness?
- No, he slept with his math teacher.

That's why she got fired.

I thought she got fired
for giving him angel dust.

Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade.

Oh. Oh, wow...

oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess.

Anyway, dude, this is serious.

I need to hurry up and
have sex with somebody

before people find
out and I'm humiliated.

You're right. We gotta find a buyer.

Fresh penis!

Get your fresh penis here!

Ted, Jesus Christ!

This penis used to belong
to a little old lady

who only f*cked it on Sundays!

Still has that new penis smell!

Will you shut up?

All right, I'm just trying to help.

♪ ♪

Okay, what about Talia?

Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.

Hey, you don't know that.

You ever seen the
guys she dates, Johnny?

They're brooding degenerates.

They paint their nails.

Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?

I could paint my nails.

Oh, ok... oh, you want
to be nail-painting guy?

Okay, get ready to never be funny.

No more jokes.

You never get to make a joke again.

- Why not?
- Nail-paint guy is very serious.

If you're on a cruise and you spot

the captain bringing a lady passenger

back to his cabin, what do you say?

Well, you say, "Thar she blows."

No, you don't. You say, "Good for them."

You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this f*cked-up world,"

'cause you got painted nails.

Wait, can I... can I
say, "Shiver me timbers"?

No, you cannot. No jokes.

Only finger colors.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think

one of your college
friends would be willing

to have sex with John?

[SARCASTICALLY] Yeah,
every lit major wants

to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.

Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.

You got any friends like that?

Okay, why are you asking me this?

'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class.

Come on, your friends are always
trying to do good in the world.

How about one of 'em takes a break

from feeding the hungry
to f*ck the desperate?

Yeah, no. I'm not helping you.

God, I'm pathetic.

Ah, come on. There's
a lot of cool virgins.

The Flying Nun,

Richie Rich,

the Lincoln Memorial...

That yearbook.

I've never had sex,

never had a girlfriend.

f*ck, I've never even kissed anybody.

You kissed Michael Dukakis

at that parade when you were nine.

Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me.

It was passionate enough
that they ran it in the paper.

Look, don't worry, Johnny.
There's a lot of alleys in Boston.

One of them's gotta have a glory hole.

And if it doesn't,
we're going to Worcester.

Look at all these welfare queens.

See, tha-that's the
problem with this country.

Everybody expects
everything handed to them

on a silver platter.

Hey, guys. Um, can
I talk to you about something?

You want a tuna sandwich?

No, I'm... I'm okay.

Um...

it's about John.

Uh, I think he might
be on the verge of...

Well, I... I think he's interested

in becoming sexually active.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't really know how
I can be clearer than that.

Um, have you guys ever
talked to John a-about sex?

Course not. He's only 16.

Talking about sex is rude.

So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher

and a horny teddy bear?

I mean, how do you expect him to learn

what he needs to know?

When you get drafted,
they show you a film.

Look, I get it can be
an awkward conversation,

but it's really important.

Tony Randall was in it.

You're absolutely right, Blaire.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna clip an Ask
Beth from "The Globe,"

and I'll slide it under his door.

Guys, there's nothing shameful

about human sexuality.

You've never been in a strip club

when the lights come on.

And neither have I.

Matty, this isn't a joke, okay?

He needs to know this stuff.

Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.

And I'm telling you,

as somebody who knows him really well,

it's the right time.

Okay, I think you're trying to avoid

an uncomfortable conversation,

and honestly, that's selfish of you.

All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.

Jesus.

Your period coming in or something?

I... what?

- Forget it.
- Coming in?

Like it's my f*cking adult teeth?

- Forget I brought it up.
- f*ck, it sounds like

you need the talk, not him.

Do you have any idea how
a period actually works?

I know enough.

No one's ever explained
it to you, have they?

I tried once,

but Matty said it was
too close to the holidays.

Oh, my God. Aunt Suze,

think about your son, all right?

Don't you want John to grow up

to be a sexually healthy adult?

Blaire, language.

My parents never talked to me about sex.

I figured it all out on my
own, and I'm doing just fine.

We'll talk to John.

♪ ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

- John?
- Yeah?

Are you alone?

Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went

to the store to get Doritos.

Oh, we have Doritos
here at the house, honey.

- We do?
- Oh, yeah, always.

Oh, that's right. We're trash.

John, your father and I,

we want to talk to you about something.

It's a private thing.

What is it?

John,

sometimes when two
grown-ups are married,

and they're in a bed,

and it's nighttime,

they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.

Jesus Christ, Susan!

It's like this, John.

Men and women have different parts,

and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.

Just give the motor a minute to warm up.

If you g*n it, you're
gonna blow a gasket,

seize up, and you're
looking at minimum a grand

for a new engine block.

That's sex.

f*ck me.

John.

Someday, when you're older,

you're gonna have your first time,

and it should be special, honey.

Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.

I want it to be better
than my first time.

- God, no, please don't...
- It was 1974.

And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's

off the turnpike, and
things were moving quickly,

when suddenly there was
a news bulletin on the TV.

Nixon had resigned.

Oh, your father, he was so distracted

and just so agitated and...

Mom, really, you don't have to do this.

I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.

He was too upset. He just kept yelling,

"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!

They've won! They've won!"

[SIGHS]

I hope this helped.

♪ ♪

[LIGHTER FLICKING]

Ugh. [EXHALES]

This f*cking resin's
giving me a headache.

Can't you call your guy?

Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat.

Ah, sh*t.

Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever?

I mean, what do I do?

[COUGHING] Look,

I know the glory hole
thing didn't work out,

but at least we got to see the city.

We met that friendly homeless guy

who taught us a lesson and then d*ed.

Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?

Well, if it is, you just gotta learn

to live with the embarrassment.

Yeah, I mean, it could be worse.

I mean, Mr. Belvedere
sat on his own balls

and had to go to the hospital.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's humiliation.

Like... like, Mr.
Belvedere from the TV show?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

He was riding in a convertible

during the Hollywood Christmas parade,

fell backwards, crushed his own balls.

Jesus.

Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade

or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?

Oh, God, I honestly don't know.

Yeah, that's a tough one, right?

That's a really tough
one. That's, like, one of

the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.

I know. That's, like, a brainteaser.

God, I'm too high to think about that.

Yeah, it's a tough one.

Okay, all right, f*ck this.

We gotta get some real weed.

Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt?

What, like, smoking-hot Sheila?

Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before.

She sent us to that dealer
who turned out to be Blaire.

Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.

Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said.

Be careful what you wish...

[TOGETHER] Agh, my heart.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he d*ed.

♪ ♪

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Ted, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Uh, hey, is your sister here?

Uh, yeah.

Sheila, you got company!

See you later.

John?

Oh. Hi, Bethany.

Hi. How's it going?

Uh, it's going good.

My, uh... my teddy bear's upstairs

buying dr*gs from your sister.

Ah, nice.

Wh... sex ed class was
weird the other day.

Oh, yeah, it was super weird.

Yeah, I still can't get the image

of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.

Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like...

like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,

and... and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,

and then you get put into the market,

and... and you're thinking
the whole time, like,

oh, I hope I get to be
made into, like, a cream pie

or, like, used as a phone for humor.

And then you're just
sitting in our class,

pretending to be a d*ck.

Well, I-I gotta go.

Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good to see you.

See you later.

You promise this is just for you, right?

'Cause I don't want to
get busted for enabling.

Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.

Those guys need a buzz to
feel the music, you know.

Me, I'm good when I'm straight.

That's why I'm always the one talking

to management about payment.

You know, anything logistic like that,

- it always falls on my...
- Yeah, yeah.

You looking for something
mellow or something more potent?

Well, my last guy gave me
something that was pretty good.

It was called Confident Gorilla.

- You got any of that?
- I don't think so,

but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.

Ah, yeah, no, that... no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.

- Uh, uh, what else?
- Uh, let me look.

So, Sheila,

no offense, but you ever
think about doing something

about that god-awful name?

Got it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, by the way, just FYI,

Sheila is her dead mother's name,

so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.

Oh, man, Kafka Trip?

Isn't this the stuff that made me think

the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me?

Well, she only had a few other batches.

Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,

What Was That, and Why
Won't The Pee Start.

- Yikes.
- All right, go on.

- Put it in your bag.
- Hey!

Hey, we need that pot, you m*therf*cker!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Get off me!

Jesus, nice save!

Man, f*ck that guy.

We should call the f*cking cops.

Yeah, maybe... maybe under
the circumstances, no.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oh, hey, Bethany.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I can't believe you did
that. That was so cool!

No, I was just reacting in the moment.

It's not that big a deal.

No, that took guts.

You're, like, kind of awesome.

Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,

you can do anything
you put your mind to.

I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon,

but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?

Maybe see a movie or
get food or whatever?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Want to pick me up at 7:00?

Definitely.

Cool.

See ya.

Holy sh*t, I got a date.

A date?

Johnny, look at the big picture.

This is your chance to have sex.

- What, you think so?
- She called you "cool."

Chicks have sex with cool guys.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

f*ck "maybe." Trust me on this.

We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.

And I will guide you.

I will be... [GRUNTING]

Your Master Yoda.

I mean, I guess I could try.

Screw or screw not. There is no try.

Now, let's get you some exercise.

Run, Johnny, run! Run!

"Yes, a Jedi's strength
flows from the Force,

but beware the dark side."

I mean, unless she says it's okay.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Are we sure about this?

Look, you gotta have condoms

locked and loaded on your date.

When you get... well, you know,

maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.

There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.

Well, which one speaks to you?

Maybe these?

"Ribbed for her pleasure"?

Good choice. And you
want to know a trick?

You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.

- You can do that?
- Oh, yeah, she'll be like,

where's the pleasure?

And you'll be like, uh,
uh, uh, I don't know.

Uh, I didn't know
there was any pleasure.

Can I help you young
men pick out a condom?

Uh, no.

Act-actually, we were...
we were just leaving.

Oh, please don't go.

One of the joys of my job is pairing

the right young man
with the right condom.

Oh, that's... normal.

Well, I don't really know what I want.

Well, tell me about the girl.

Um, she's got medium brown hair,

average height. I-I think
she might be on the swim team.

I see. Jewish?

I don't think so.

Well, that rules these out.

What about community activism?

Does she do any charity work?

I... I honestly don't know.

Why don't you try a Ramses?

Sturdy, solid, made for
all kinds of weather,

can withstand over 300 pounds of torque.

Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?

Uh, thank you.

I just want to say, I've been watching

you shop here for years.

I've been waiting for this day.

Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...

[WHISPERS] Congratulations.

I need an adult! I need an adult!

It's okay. It's all right, Johnny.

It's all right. Look,
uh, here you go, buddy.

Keep the extra.

Hey! You!

Get away from that kid!

Now, how can I help you?

♪ ♪

Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this.

This feels weird.

Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,

she's gonna know you're a virgin.

sh*t, really?

Trust me, all right?

Now take it off.

Okay.

- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you.

You gotta work for it.

Jesus.

Jesus Christ, Teddy,
just let me do the clasp.

Oh, no, you gotta earn it.

All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive

and I'm your secretary. Go.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Mr. Bennett,
Mr. Bennett, control yourself!

For heaven sakes, Mr.
Bennett, you're a married man!

Teddy, come on!

Who's Teddy? I'm Debra.

I just moved to the big city

with nothing but a
suitcase full of dreams

and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.

Uh, hi.

What the hell are you doing in my bra?

The question is, what am
I stilldoing in your bra.

Johnny?

I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt,

and I'm...

I'm practicing in case we have sex.

Practicing what?

I want her to think I'm experienced,

you know, like I've done it a lot.

Okay.

Well, I do have some
thoughts on the topic.

Uh, one, whoever this girl is,

she's not gonna want
to have sex with you

if she thinks that's
all you're interested in.

And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks

you've been sleeping
around with other girls.

Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?

No, you just...

eh, you can't want
it too much, you know?

Okay, well, what's the
right amount to want it?

Just be yourself.

Okay? The rest will happen naturally.

Yeah, if I may count
it, John has been himself

for 16 years and raked
in exactly zero vag*na.

Am I getting that
number right, John, zero?

Yeah, yeah, zero.

I think... [SIGHS]

I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way.

That is a very
self-destructive sentence.

Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.

f*ck it.

Whatever, I tried.
Just give me my bra back.

Now you know!

Teddy, we're missing something here.

- What?
- How am I even supposed to get to the sex

if she doesn't have a good time?

I mean, I haven't even
planned the f*cking date.

Johnny, you are gonna take her

on the best date of her life.

What do you mean? How?

Your teddy bear's got you covered.

♪ ♪

Hey, Bethany.

This is for you.

Ted?

What's this?

Your attire for the evening.

Wh... I-I'm wearing my
outfit for the evening.

- Where's John?
- He awaits you

on your flying carpet.

[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, John, I-I can't
believe you did this.

Yeah, well, it's our first date.

I wanted to make it special.

I have sort of a confession to make.

What is it?

I still haven't seen "Aladdin."

Aw, man. Are you serious?

I thought, like, every
girl loved that movie.

My friends love it.

I have kind of weird taste in movies.

Like what?

It's kind of embarrassing.

No, you gotta tell me now.

Well, there's this really good bad movie

from the early '80s
called "Flash Gordon."

No f*ckin' way!

You've seen "Flash Gordon"?

Oh, only, like, a thousand times!

Of course. It's my
favorite f*cking movie.

- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no.

"Who are you? Flash Gordon.

Quarterback, New York Jets."

I love that! And when
Princess Aura's like,

"Father! Damn you, Father!"

Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?

Dude, those lungs are working overtime.

Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like,

"That must be one hell of
a planet you men come from."

And Flash says..

[TOGETHER] "Not too bad."

Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t.

I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.

Well, now you have.

- Oh, sh*t!
- [TIRES SCREECH]

Ah!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SQUIRREL CHITTERS]

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ, are you guys okay?

I think so.

Johnny, Johnny, you all right?

Talk to me!

Teddy?

Did I sex?

You sure did, buddy.

You sexed real good.

You sexed real good.

♪ ♪

You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.

How are you feeling now?

Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little...

No, him.

Oh, right, yeah.

I'm okay.

Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much.

Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.

You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,

and we had our seatbelts on,

you know, as is required by law...

Son, this isn't my
first night in the ER.

I saw the carpet burns.

I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."

I curse the day that movie came out.

All right. You're gonna be okay.

There's no concussion.

But I need you to get some
rest for the next few days.

And stay off cars.

Okay. Thanks.

Listen, I'm... I'm sorry about tonight.

You know, it was stupid.

No, it wasn't.

It was romantic and thoughtful.

Wait, so you're not mad?

No.

I like you... a lot.

Okay, well, do you maybe want to go

on an inside-the-car date sometime?

[CHUCKLES]

I have a better idea.

I was supposed to go to
the prom with Danny Hirsh,

but his acne has reached a point

where I need to take action.

Would you maybe want to go?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Cool.

I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.

Although I guess I haven't seen you

around school with a girlfriend.

Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You're looking at a guy

with a whole lot of experience...

with f*cking.

- Right, Johnny?
- Uh... uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm still sore
from yesterday, you know?

Yeah, a whole lot of...
whole lot of pounds of torque.

- Oh.
- Trust me,

this guy knows his way around a woman.

You know what they call him at school?

The Ladyboy.

He's that seasoned.

Sorry, we need this room.

We got another one.

g*dd*mn movie.

♪ ♪

Guess what?

One of the eggs had two yolks.

I can't wait to get invited to a party.

I have small talk.

Well, you know, uh, Johnny
also has some good news.

- Aw, shut up, man.
- No, no, no.

No, no, no, we're doing
this. I'm proud of you, man.

Our boy has been invited to the prom.

- [GASPS]
- What?

- Are you serious?
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Invited?

She invited you?

- Yeah.
- See that, Susan?

Still think the Clintons are harmless?

Times are changing,
Matty. You gotta keep up.

Oh, John!

I'm so happy for you. [CHUCKLES]

Who's the lucky girl?

Bethany Borgwardt.

Wait, the... the girl
from the other night?

- The one with the...
- The bra lady, yeah.

Guess somebody gave
him some good advice.

Well, I'm very surprised.

Uh, I guess, good luck.

All right, I gotta go to work.
I'll see you later.

Don't forget your lunch, honey.

[GRUNTS]

Take the fruit out!

I can't be seen at work with a plum!

Why?

There's fiber in here, hon.

You haven't made caca yet.

Hey, Blaire, you know,
since Johnny's got a date,

how about you and me go to the prom?

Yeah, no thanks.

Why not?

A high school prom?

Been there, done that.

No booze, no thanks.

Ah, come on. Don't leave me hanging!

Johnny's gonna be off getting laid.

I don't want to be stuck talking
to a bunch of wiener bags.

Don't you think you're being

a little overconfident about this?

I mean, he just started
dating this girl.

Yeah, but it's...

it's going really good, Blaire.

We had a great time on our first date.

Even the hospital was fun.

Yeah, they're gonna f*ck for sure.

I mean, unless, you
know, the timing's off.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, you know, if...

if she's gotta make her period.

- What?
- You know, if it's

that time of the week.

Okay, so what? So what
if she gets her period?

Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?

Like, I heard that if you have sex

while a girl's doing her period,

then... then you could go back in time.

I think I just went back in time.

Does any male in this house

actually even f*cking know how it works?

Well, do you?

- I-I do not.
- I actually

- have no idea, no.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Ugh. Okay.

I actually was always kind of curious.

There's, like, a...
a little tube, right?

Yes, a tampon.

Oh, yeah, I know that word.

Is a crampon also something?

A crampon is used for rock climbing.

It's got nothing to do with periods.

Oh.

It's weird that it has the word
"cramp" in there though, yeah?

Two completely different things.

- But you can see why I thought...
- Okay, you want to make jokes,

- or you want to f*cking learn something?
- I wasn't making a joke!

I didn't know about
the rock climbing! God!

How's it work?

Give me your best guess.

You put the tampon inside.

Genius, yes. How?

Y-you swallow it.

You use the applicator to
insert it into the vag*na,

and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.

And this happens all the time?

Once a month for just a few days.

Is it shorter in February?

- You want to get f*cking wet?
- No, no, no. No, I'm good, I'm good.

Look, I know you guys
think you're pretty smart.

But maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

John, it's Bethany.

Oh, hey, Bethany.

Yeah, we were, uh... we were
just talking about the prom.

I'm really excited.

What time should I pick you up?

Yeah, about that, I've been thinking,

maybe it's better if we go separately.

Wait... wait, what? Why?

I just think you might
be a little bit too, um,

experienced for me.

No, but... [SPLUTTERS]

[HIGH-PITCHED] Come
back to bed, Johnny!

I'm one of your many satisfied

- sexual partners!
- [WHISPERS] Stop!

[WHISPERS] What? He's gonna thank me.

- No, he's not!
- Shh!

Hey, uh, can we talk about this?

I'm sure you've got lots of other girls

who'd love to go with you.

Maybe you ask one of them.

Sorry.

She dumped me.

What?

Yeah, it's... it's over.

No, it's not.

We are gonna do what
they do in the movies.

Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn, and declare your love

- for all the world to hear.
- Yeah.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

Sorry about that,
Officer. Thank you so much.

Our apologies. Won't happen again.

Wow, that was so not good.

Yeah, her dad really did
not care that you love her.

I can't believe I listened to you.

You f*cked this whole thing up, Teddy!

It's okay, Johnny. We
can still salvage this.

All right, there's gonna be
a lot of girls at the prom.

We're gonna get you a fake chest.

We'll stick a sock in your pants.

This isn't just about sex, okay?

How many times do I have to stand here

and tell you, I really like her?

She's wicked cool.

We've got a lot in common.

Wasn't it pretty much
just "Flash Gordon"?

We could have built off that.

Where am I gonna find another girl

who likes that movie?

I mean, you and me like it,
but that's mostly 'cause of dr*gs.

Okay, look, I f*cked up, all right?

But we can still have fun at the prom.

Come on, we'll spike the
punch and stuff the ballot box

so a couple of horse-faced
kids win King and Queen.

If you want to go to the prom,
you can do it without me.

Johnny.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[JAZZY MUSIC]

Come on, hurry up,

before I change my mind.

Oh, my God, that's...

that's the tie you landed on?

Yeah, what's wrong with it?

You're wearing a f*cking
piano tie to prom.

What are you, in an a-ha video?

Well, you know, it's kind
of hard to tie a bow tie

when you got no fingers.

You look great, by the way.

See? See how easy that is,

to give someone a compliment?

Oh, look at you two, all dressed up!

Oh, Matty, don't they look nice?

- Yeah.
- Blaire, you should

wear girl clothes more often, hon.

- Thanks.
- Is John going too?

No, he's, uh... he's still pretty upset.

Oh, no, my baby.

Matty, why don't you go talk to him?

Huh?

Go talk to John.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi?

Go speak to your son.

Do, like, a, I don't
know, father-type thing.

You know, I remember my junior prom

and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.

He was so nervous, he
accidentally stabbed me

putting on the corsage.

And I didn't want to make a
fuss or anything like that,

so I spent the whole night

with this carnation stuck to my breast.

Jesus, this f*cking story again.

I'll talk to John.

And then I got sepsis,

and I'm still not allowed to swim.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Hey, Johnny, wrap it
up. I need your help.

- Just started the game.
- Tough sh*t.

I gotta load our old refrigerator
in the back of the truck,

dump it in the woods.

It's 7:30 at night.

Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John.

But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.

Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.

Can't we just do it another time?

Why? It's not like you
have anywhere to go, right?

Dad, I know what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.
I just need another set of hands.

I'm not going to prom!

All right? I... I got dumped.

It'll be too embarrassing.

Life is a series of embarrassments.

Bosses humiliating you,

your wife nagging you all the time,

going off to fight in the one w*r

where you're the bad guy. I mean, f*ck.

Is this supposed to be a pep talk?

All I'm saying is, you
only get so many nights

like this one, John.

There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.

You miss this one, that's f*cking it.

The rest of your life
is spending all day

breaking your back, and all night

standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.

All right.

There you go.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, MUSIC THUMPING]

♪ Rhythm is a dancer ♪

♪ It's a soul's companion ♪

♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪

♪ Lift your hands and voices ♪

♪ Free your mind and join us ♪

See, this ain't so bad, right?

Thanks to this, not the
worst night of my life.

Yeah, well, I'm having
a nice time with you too.

And the compliment-free
evening continues.

Hey, Javier!

Ha! I know that guy.

No one was looking at you.

Yeah, it's just... there
was... there was the one guy.

No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.

No, it's just... it's this
thing we do, the two of us.

Ah, that's so him.

Have you made any
f*cking friends this year?

Uh, not really, no.

[WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER]

sh*t, Ted, look.

Hey! Hey, Johnny!

- Hey, John.
- Hey, buddy.

Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man.

He was up to his old tricks.

sh*t, again?

Man, I really gotta meet that guy.

- He sounds awesome.
- I know, I...

f*ck, he's always just
leaving when you get here.

I-I don't... I don't
know how that happens.

Well, listen, man, I...

I'm really sorry for
laying into you like that.

No, man, I'm sorry.

I f*cked things up
between you and Bethany.

I should have just
kept my big mouth shut

and let you be yourself.

No, man, it's not all your fault.

I didn't have to listen to you.

I made my own choices.

I think I know how to un-f*ck things.

Bethany. Hi.

John.

Hi.

So listen, I was wondering

if you'd maybe give me another chance.

John, look.

I think you're a nice-enough guy,

but you're not the guy for me.

I-I'm just not interested

in being a notch in someone's belt.

Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.

I've never had sex, okay?

I'm a virgin. I-I said that I had

because I thought it would
impress you. It was stupid.

So you lied to me?

Well, yeah.

I'm sorry.

How do I know you're not lying now?

I'm not. I'm not.

I swear to God.

And I think I can prove it.

Excuse me.

I need that mic. I got something to say.

Sorry, it's against the rules...

unless it's for true love.

It is.

Go get her.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Hi. Hi, every...
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]

Oh, that's loud. Hi, everyone.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry for the interruption. I, uh,

uh, just have a real quick question.

Who here has had sex with me?

Nobody.

You want to know why?

Because I'm a virgin.

I was too embarrassed to admit
it until tonight, but it's the truth.

And you know what?

I bet I'm not alone.

I bet there are more of
you out there just like me,

so let's stop being embarrassed

and let our voices be heard.

Who out there is a virgin?

[HUSHED CHATTER]

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

Nerd!

- What the f*ck?
- What? He was drowning.

No sense in me going down with him.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey. Hey, John, wait up!

I can't believe you just did that.

Oh. Yeah, it was pretty stupid.

- Yeah, very stupid.
- [CHUCKLES]

But it took guts.

Well, I mean,

it's not like my social
life could get any worse.

[CHUCKLES] Well...

you want to know a secret?

What?

You're not the only person
at this school who hasn't...

you know.

Wait. [CHUCKLES]

Wait, you're a virgin too?

Mm-hmm.

You know, I don't think I believe you.

- What?
- I think you gotta

get up and tell the whole school.

Yeah, no thanks. I'm not an idiot.

Oh, you sure? Why not?

It's a great feeling. I
can't recommend it enough.

[LAUGHS]

Do you want to get out of here?

Maybe hang at my house?

My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.

Sure.

[ALL-4-ONE'S "I SWEAR"]

- ♪ And I swear ♪
- ♪ I swear ♪

♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪

- ♪ I'll be there ♪
- ♪ I'll be there ♪

- ♪ I swear ♪
- ♪ And I swear ♪

I think those two might just make it.

Yeah, I think so too.

- Well, now what?
- One of the goth kids

in the parking lot gave me a pill.

I got no idea what it
is. You want to split it?

♪ For better or worse ♪

♪ Till death do us part ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

- ♪ What a mighty good man ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

[GIGGLES] What are you doing back there?

Trying to unhook your bra.

Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...

Ah! Ah, sh*t, all right.

I think I tore it, and I
might have f*cking cut myself.

Here, why don't I get it?

Um, do you have a condom?

Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up at the
pharmacy helped me pick one out.

- What?
- Nothing. Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I got one.

Good, 'cause I think we should have sex.

Really?

Holy sh*t, Blaire was right.

- Huh?
- Nothing.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

♪ 'Cause his mama taught him that ♪

♪ I got a good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ A mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

- ♪ Yes, he is ♪
- ♪ What a man, what a man ♪

[BREAKING NEWS JINGLE PLAYS]

- Oh, my God!
- What? What?

- What's wrong?
- Look!

Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco

presumed to be the
vehicle of OJ Simpson.

Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly...

Holy sh*t!

Yeah. Yeah, that's really something.

f*ck! Does this mean
he actually did do it?

Speaking of doing it...

Where do you think he's going?

And why are they driving so slow?

I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.

I mean, he must have done it, right?

Why else is he running?

Times like these, all we can really do

- is hold each other close.
- f*ck!

I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked g*n,"

and now he might be a m*rder*r?

I think Nicole Brown
Simpson and Ron Goldman would

really want us to make
the most of this night.

And now we're hearing
reports that he has a g*n.

Oh, my God.

I don't think this is
gonna have a happy ending.

No f*cking sh*t.

To repeat, he is believed...

[JAZZY MUSIC]

It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm my mother.

Well, your mother actually had sex,

so that comparison doesn't really work.

But at least you got a girlfriend now.

Eh, sort of.

Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"?

Bethany's spending the summer in Italy.

She's leaving tomorrow.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

That vag*na's gonna be
right where you left it.

- You think so?
- Oh, yeah,

Italian guys are famous
for their sexual restraint

and respect for women.

- Oh, you were saying...
- I was saying the opposite.

You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,

- a bit, like an opposite thing.
- I was saying the thing

- they don't do.
- You m*therf*cker.

Yeah.

Man, junior year was weird, huh?

Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it.

Yeah.

But you know what?

Would've sucked way
worse without you, buddy.

Thanks, man. That touches me deeply...

which is what's gonna
happen to Bethany in Italy.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, you m*therf*cker.

- That was the last one.
- Like, seriously though?

I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.

Last one.

I wonder what senior
year's gonna be like.

I don't know.

But you know what? I
say we make it great.

Really turn our lives around, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all

the summer reading and
sh*t, like, show up prepared.

Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.

Yeah. That sounds great.

First thing tomorrow.

Looks like it might rain.

- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- Jesus f*cking Christ!

f*cking sh*t! Why does
it have to do that?

Oh, my God, it's so f*cking scary.

- I hate the thunder!
- f*ck you, thunder!

Yeah, you can suck my d*ck!

Oh, my God, Teddy.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Get the guitar.

♪ ♪

_

_

[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas, that
someone adores you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

♪ ♪