- What do you think you're playing at?
- What are you going on about?
It ain't the first time you've lost
your knickers in a tube.
Mr Harmon, will you please hurry
about your business...
...and get back to the storeroom.
You've got no authority over me,
so get stuffed.
I didn't hear that.
You've got no authority over me,
so get stuffed.
Drat, the damn door is stuck again.
It's Mrs. Salcombe.
She's trapped in the lift.
Mr. Harmon, get that door open.
See if you can force it open.
Get your fingers in between and pull.
It's time somebody saw to
this dratted thing.
- Common, We'll give you a hand.
- Come pass your stuff out.
Would you mind taking this Mr. Harmon?
How am I going to get down?
You'll have to back out.
I'll get you a stool.
Would you mind holding my p*ssy?
You're not taking that thing on
holiday with you, are you?
Of course I'm not. I'm boarding her
at the p*ssy hotel in the pet department.
- She's such a retiring little soul.
- She won't be by the time some of them...
...brandy moggies up there give her
a good going over.
I'm paying surcharge
for her private quarters.
That's the bit they're looking forward too.
- Here's the stool Mrs. Salcombe.
- Thank you, miss Brahms.
- I hope I haven't forgotten my passport.
- If you show that lot at customs...
...what you're showing us I'm sure
down there they'll know you're British.
- Couldn't I have a ladder?
- You've already got one.
- It goes nearly all the side.
- I'll bat your ear hole...
...when I get out of here.
- Come along Mrs. Salcombe, give me a hand.
- Miss Brahms, hold that.
Mr. Harmon, kindly avert your gaze
and keep your hands on the stool.
You've done very well, Mr. Henry.
It's not easy, my hair.
You have to find it
before you can cut it.
- Take your account to my office.
- Will there be anything else, sir?
Yes, get your cards
at the same time.
- I think I'm about done.
- I've got to be upstairs in three minutes.
That suits you.
It's my mother's.
Our heads are the same size...
...and she's off to a bingo reunion.
So I'd thought I treat her to a free set.
I am not sure I like it.
You can start getting
rid of them balloons.
The sale was over yesterday.
I've got a display unit for you.
The life belle inflatable swim suit.
Completely safe for the non-swimmer.
- It works with a sparkler bulge.
- What does it do?
They're independent of each other
in case of a puncture.
It comes complete with a mid-ocean
repair outfit in case you get caught...
...on a sunken wreck
or a Romeo with sharp teeth.
Thank heavens I can swim.
Think of the other advantages, darling.
You're lain' out there on the beach,
your eyes are closed.
The Robert Redford comes out of the
sea, looking for the crumpet.
What do you do?
You press your emergency valves
and a presto.
Disgusting.
I've never seen anything like it
in my life.
I wonder if there's staff discount.
I should take one on your holiday
with you if I were you darling.
I don't want to spend half of my life
giving you mouth to mouth...
...resuscitation every time I
pull you out of the sea.
Don't tell me you're coming as well.
You don't think I'm going to stay here
with the store shut?
I see.
Miss Brahms, come with me.
Apt. Peacock, are you free?
At the moment, Mrs. Salcombe.
When I consented to take part
in the Grace Brothers holiday offer...
...I didn't think we'd be mucking
in with the maintenance staff.
The whole store is being closed
for redecoration.
The only way the entire staff
could be persuaded to take their...
...holidays simultaneously was to make it
very attractive...
no price offered to all departments.
If that course lofted carpet's coming,
you can count me out...
...and I am unanimous in this.
They're going to Tunisia.
We're destined for the Costa Plonks.
- Why isn't Harmon going to Tunisia?
- Maintenance can go wherever they wish.
I know where I'd wish they go.
Is it true Mrs. Peacock won't be
accompanying us on our holiday?
- Sadly, she will not.
- We'll have to watch it then, won't we?
- Watch what, Mrs. Salcombe?
- Two unattached persons thrown together...
...on a foreign shore.
Hot, tropical nights, pulsating music.
A couple of rum and cokes
and anything could happen.
You can rely on me to
behave like a gentleman.
I was afraid of that.
I had a bit of bad news yesterday.
Mrs. Peacock won't be able to come...
...on holiday with me.
I take it you'll be unaccompanied as well.
Two lonely people thrown together
on a foreign shore.
- We'll have to watch it, won't we?
- I intend to go the discos...
...every night, so you'll have to
watch it on your own.
Right, places everyone.
- Very nearly late.
- You are late, Mr. Lucas.
How many times have I told you
not to put food in your pockets?
Every time you've called me.
You'll get all your pockets sown up
by the coffee break.
- Sown up?
- Sown up, Mr. Lucas.
It's the third
occasion you've been late in one week.
I shall be making a report.
Just because somebody presses a bell, it
doesn't mean to say they know what time it is.
- My watch says two minutes past nine.
- Have you checked it?
I check it every morning
by the church clock.
Who says the vicar hasn't bunged it on
two minutes to cram them in...
- ...early for matins?
- I'm going to make an adverse...
...entry on your time sheet.
Before you do that, may I
suggest you dial Tim?
- What a good idea, Mr. Humphries.
- Very well.
It's alright, sir. I will.
At the third stroke it will be
nine o'clock precisely.
At the third stroke I shall be
reporting you for being late.
I shall be reporting Mr. Humphries
for aiding and abetting you.
- You sent for me, sir?
- Who are you?
I'm Rumbold of the men's.
You're very well dressed for a
lavatory attendant?
- The men's department, second floor.
- What do you want?
I've come for the travel-tickets, sir.
Your lot's going to the Costa Plonks.
Don Bernardo's palace.
There's the tickets.
There's the brochure.
May I enquire which department
is to have the pleasure...
- ...of your company, sir?
- I shall be visiting each one in turn.
After that I shall be hard at it with
my secretary on my yacht in St. Trope.
How's that letter coming along,
miss Nicholson?
I have nearly finished it now, sir.
You're coming along very well.
She didn't start that letter
until yesterday.
- I am sorry that I'm late, Stephen.
- I'm sure you have a very good reason.
I had to pick up my passport.
I've never been abroad before, you know.
- For some reason they held it up.
- Whatever for?
My wife filled in the application form.
Where it said sex,
she put 08-03-1953.
She's got a memory like an elephant.
Come to think of it, she's
got everything like an elephant.
I think I'm buying one of these
for the holidays.
- What do you think?
- I can see it all, you and me...
- ...dancing together onto the stars.
- Give it to me.
You've gone topless.
They're not very big, are they?
You sex mad. I'm gonna lock
my door every night.
We don't want anyone coming in
and disturb us.
Stop encouraging Mr. Lucas to leave
his department.
- Where's your jacket?
- Mr. Humphries has just sown up the...
- ...pockets as per your instructions.
- Here, it's ready.
- Have you got skilful hands.
- So I've been told.
- Let's have a look at the trousers.
- You're not sowing them up.
- Didn't your mother do it for you?
- No, did yours?
I used to keep my conkers in there.
I suppose she sowed them up
to stop you playing with your conkers.
She sowed them up to stop other
little boys playing with my conkers.
- Where was I?
- You were telling me about that...
...fancy dress party you went to on
holiday last year.
I couldn't think of what to wear.
I found a pair of mum's black tights...
...they came up to here.
I found my dad's pink cape...
...that came down to there.
Some wellingtons, gardening gloves...
...black mask and then I went
to look for a taxi.
- Did you find one?
- I found six.
They all drove off before I could tell
them where I wanted to go.
I'm not surprised.
What were you going as?
- Batman.
- Did you win a price?
I didn't even get there.
I'd ordered a mini cab and it broke down.
There I was in the middle of dockland
trying to find a telephone box...
...and the draft wasn't half whistling
'round the cargo handling equipment...
...when all of a sudden these great big
dockers appeared from nowhere.
- I bet that made your heart b*at faster.
- Well, it did.
One of them looked me up and down
and said: We don't get many of...
- ...your sort round here.
- How could he tell?
I shan't let you into my confidence
if you're going to mock me.
I said to him: I'm Batman, pal.
And he said: I'm Robin, poof.
Next thing I know I was being
taken through customs.
Two of them I never even heard of.
I was impounded for three days.
You do get about, Mr. Humphries.
Not after that.
Not for a whole week.
Put these sales displays away.
You should've done it last night.
Morning, Sir.
May I help you?
- Salaam.
- Salaam.
The Emir greets you and says: may you be
blessed with 100 sons and 1000 grandsons.
I'll tell Mrs. Peacock to cancel
bridge next Thursday.
The Emir wishes to
purchase some trousers.
Are you free for the Middle-eastern
gentlemen, Mr. Humphries?
They say a change is as good
as a rest.
What did the gentlemen
have in mind?
- The Emir wishes to be trousered.
- Walk this way.
Will you tell the Emir to
walk this way?
It's more than my job is worth.
I hear these Arabs spend a fortune.
Let me have half the sale?
- Are you asking to share my trousers?
- I didn't mean it quite like that.
What colour did the noble
son of desert have in mind?
- Blue.
- It goes nice with the sand.
Do you know your master's size?
They live very close together
in the desert.
Around the waist he has two cubits.
Between the legs my master
has one and a half cubits.
He'll never be able to wear shorts.
- What's cubits?
- Isn't that the firm that build the 1?
Do you mean he's got one and a half
of them up there?
Some thing to grab hold of that.
Excuse me Sir.
Just chicken' your cubits.
Forty six. A portly range.
Now for the inside leg.
My master says:
where are you going?
He's hoping to strike oil.
The Emir says: no infidel may
touch the bare flesh of the...
...exalted one and live.
We've got a bit of a problem here.
How are we getting that tape up
without touching his cubits?
Leave it to me, Mr. Lucas.
A sticky tape, Mr. Lucas.
Determined not to lose a sale
are you, Mr. Humphries?
Not if I can help it.
Would you raise the curtain
Mr. Lucas?
I'll release the projectile.
You keep an eye on the tape.
Keep your heels on the ground.
It's supposed to be a sign of
good manners in their country.
They've been polite for a
very long time.
- Somewhere around 35.
- 35-45 in blue.
35-45 coming up Mr. Humphries.
His Excellency is delighted and
requires 101.
- Did I tell you a fortune in commission?
- 101 pairs of trousers.
No. One pair of trousers.
One hundred balloons.
That does suit madam.
That really does suit madam.
Lovely.
May I wish madam a very happy
honeymoon and I do hope...
...our Paris modelled nighty gives
every satisfaction.
It was the full length one you
wanted, Madame?
I hope you don't mind I wrapped
the negligee with it.
My customer's driving me mad.
She's tried on every hat I've got...
...and she still can't make up her mind.
In millinery, miss Brahms,
don't expect the customer to make...
...up her own mind.
You've got to make it up for her.
I'll show you.
Don't move.
That's it.
That hat was milliner for madam.
The colour and the shape.
It suits madam's face.
A treat.
Look no further.
Don't interrupt the flow, dear.
Wrap it up for madam.
Unless madam would like
to keep it on?
- If you're absolutely certain...
- No question of it.
Make out the bill miss Brahms.
- I can't.
- Why not?
It's her own hat.
Drat.
Are you free, Mrs Salcombe?
At the moment, Apt. Peacock.
The sister tells me you still
haven't had your inoculation.
- I keep putting it off.
- If you don't have it done here...
...you'll have to have it done at
the airport abroad when we arrive.
They kick you like cattle
on the continent.
The mere sight of a needle
makes me pass out.
I can't even knit.
- It does not hurt.
- It's the thought of it.
- Couldn't you take her by surprise?
- What a good idea...
...I wouldn't know anything
until it's over.
I should settle for that, sister.
Mrs. Salcombe has given you permission
to take her by surprise.
If that's the way you want it.
I shall be a nervous wreck
now until it's over.
- It's like having the mafia after you.
- She'll have to be clever.
I've got eyes in the back
of my head.
That was the cholera.
Are you ready for the yellow fever?
I think you'll have to wait
to surprise her with that.
- I see you later.
- Not if I see you first.
My bum's numb.
There's one other thing,
Mrs. Salcombe.
Not beriberi?
No, it concerns your visa.
Everybody has provided a
photograph except you.
Would you mind passing my handbag,
miss Brahms?
I looked through my photo album
last night and I found one.
There.
Is that you?
Not all of it. I had it
taken in Brighton last year.
It's one of those things where
you put your head through a hole.
The face is mine.
It was a nice thought, but I'm
afraid it won't do.
You'd better go to the photographic
studio on the third floor.
But I can never work those
machines.
- In that case I'll come with you.
- Oh very well.
Take over for me, miss Brahms.
Sit here Mrs. Salcombe. All you do is
sit in the chair...
...and compose your features. When you're
ready, you insert the 10 pence.
Is this expression alright?
The authorities don't like
you smiling.
I must say I agree with them.
Just look dignified and disdainful.
Look, I don't think I can do
it without a mirror.
I lose track of where
my face is.
Perhaps I can help you.
Imagine that a customer has...
...brought back a garment that
has been worn asking for a refund.
Perfect.
Put in the 10 pence.
That's a fifty.
Now I've to start
my expression again.
I look after that part
of the operation.
I really don't think you
should have those earrings on.
All I want to do is get it
over as quickly as possible.
I've taken 'em off.
Now you put it in.
Don't be surprised if you have
to wait a minute or two...
- ...before anything happens.
- I'll call back later.
It's not working.
- Drat. I missed it.
- You get four for your 10 pence.
Settle down quickly.
Lean further back in the chair.
- Where's my glasses?
- They're under here.
Come on or you'll
lose the last one.
But the chair's broken.
- Is this position alright?
- Ideal.
Enter.
Here we are then.
A cup of hot water.
What's it gonna be
this morning?
An instant coffee, instant tea
or chicken noodle soup?
- Tea.
- It's a minestrone left here.
Indian tea powder or
China tea powder?
Which tastes most like the label
on the packet?
The actual packet.
It's all Japanese.
Am I supposed to leave it for
two minutes to brew?
I shouldn't do that.
It'll take the pattern off the cup.
Is that the old show
we're going to?
The offer is open to the lower
class minimals as well, you know.
Look at the crumpet around
that pool.
- Look at them bristols.
- That will be all, Harmon.
I can tell by the tone
of your voice. Mr. Rumbold...
...that I have inadvertently
overstepped the accepted...
...manager-workers relationship
with my misplaced nob-aim.
- I do apologise.
- Just don't let it happen again.
Would it be in order to ask if
you're taking your good...
- ...lady-wife with you?
- As a matter of fact, she will...
...be staying at home.
Opening up a spare can of ham
when you get there?
Men's wear.
It's me, Mr Humphries.
I know I didn't sound like me.
I don't sound me to me...
...it's the way I
answer the phone.
Apt. Peacock?
Mr. Rumbold for you.
Take a message, will you?
I know it doesn't sound like
Apt. Peacock. It's me again.
This is my normal voice.
Or as near as I can get.
Apt. Peacock says:
can I take a message.
He's with child at the moment.
You're on your way down?
I'll put out the red carpet.
What are you doing?
It's brandy.
Don't let old Peacock
see you with that.
It's his flask. He lend it to
me to get over the shock.
I'm not surprised.
These pictures would shock anybody.
Look at that. That's enough
to give you the shudders.
Do you mind?
That's the best one.
It's typical, isn't it.
All these pamphlets talk about is sun...
...and sea and sex. They never
mention a jacksy full of vaccine.
- Where have you been?
- Chatting up that blond in the
joke department.
You've been told off about
that sort of thing before.
The supervisor nearly caught me. I had
to pretend to be a customer and buy these.
Look out.
Here comes big ears.
Gather everyone around, Apt Peacock.
- Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
- I'm free.
- Where is Mr. Grainger?
- Gone through there.
What have you got
behind your back?
- Nothing sir.
- Have you been smoking on the floor?
I never smoke on the floor.
Have you got something
in your hand?
What about the other one?
Both Mr. Lucas.
Thank you.
You may come over here now.
Pay attention everybody.
I have here your tickets.
I want you all to check...
...the particulars and then sign to
say you've received them.
Miss Brahms, you're first.
Don't go away Mr Lucas.
- Mr. Humphries?
- It's the first time one bit me.
Don't let Peacock see them.
Can we have your attention please?
You all now have your tickets.
Don't forget your passports.
Any questions?
- Do we bring sandwiches?
- No, lunch will be served on the plane.
Young Mr Grace hopes that you'll all
have a wonderful holiday.
How very nice.
It only remains for me to say:
See you at 12:30 at the airport tomorrow.
Mr. Humphries, what is the matter?
I've just lost my
camping equipment.
Do you mind taking off
your hat, sir?
I thought you said that my Panama
hat was the last one in the sale?
It was Apt. Peacock.
After Mr. Rumbold bought his.
Is that your age or do you have it
mixed up with your bust measurement?
I do hope you're not gonna have me
helpless with laughter for two whole weeks?
If you and I share a room,
do you reckon we get a refund?
That would be all you would get.
This is the first time I've
been abroad you know.
- Where's the aeroplane?
- Excuse me if don't show it
to you personally...
...but I have other things to do.
But at least you might tell me
from what platform it goes from?
Just go over there sir,
through the luggage check.
Never mind. We'll show you.
How did that get in there?
Never mind.
It's not a very good one,
I'm afraid.
No, but it's very like you.
- Your luggage, sir.
- Well of course it's my luggage.
Would you mind placing it
here sir.
We have to search it.
You've put the revolver and the false
b*mb in your trunk, didn't you?
I don't consider that
funny, Mr. Lucas.
You wouldn't think he was
one of the top brass in the KGB.
Through the loop, sir.
They found a commando Kn*fe
strapped to your thigh.
Would you mind removing any metal
objects you have on your person sir.
- It's the key of my front door.
- Hand them over and we'll try again.
There must be something else, sir.
It's his truss. Don't take that off him
or he'll never carry his bag.
- Don't be cheeky, Mr. Lucas.
- Your passport sir.
It's the sugarplum fairy.
I'm sorry. I missed the bus.
I had to thumb a lift...
...in one of those great big French
juggernauts. They're very well equipped.
There's a bed in the back
of the cab.
I'd be halfway to Paris by now, if
my electric blanket hadn't caught fire.
- Your equipment's working well.
- So is yours.
- Don't go before I sat down, will you?
- You're the 6th row along on the
left next to the window.
I've arranged to sit with you
during the flight.
I am very honoured sir.
- Center or outside seat sir?
- Outside.
I am terribly sorry Peacock.
I appear to have sat on your hat.
- I'm afraid it's ruined.
- That's alright sir.
It was ridiculous both of us
wearing the same hat anyway.
You're taking it very well.
I have every reason to sir.
It's your hat.
I think that's my seat in the corner.
Will you excuse me?
That's the wrong seat sir.
You're in the one behind.
Oh that's my tights gone.
We must have you in your right seats.
Or else where will it all end.
The pilot's got to know what seat you're in
so he can compensate for the extra weight.
Oh, he's a buffoon.
There's Mr. Humphries' tights gone.
Very tiring this air travel.
- What was that?
- Just the engine starting sir.
Look at all those people down there.
They look just like ants.
They are ants.
We haven't taken off yet.
We shall shortly be crossing the coast
passing directly over Bognor Regis.
I spent a holiday at Bognor Regis.
I was grossly overcharged.
I should go to the little boys room,
see if you can get your revenge.
Where is it?
Just along there
behind the curtain.
I am so sorry.
The door wasn't locked.
- Are you going to be long?
- About two and a half hours.
I can't hold up all that time.
I'll see if there's one vacant
at the other end.
- No pestos!
- No pesetas?
Albright, two minutes
but not a second more.
- I am passing out.
- It is 32 degrees, Mr. Grainger.
I think you can take off your scarf
and overcoat.
A sudden change of temperature
can often cause a cold.
- It looks quite nice, doesn't it?
- It smells different.
It's all that garlic.
Will you go away!
Two necklaces
are quite enough.
Any more and people
will start to talk.
Get on your donkey and ride off into the
setting sun and try to forget you ever met me.
- I have put a curse on you.
- You're too late love.
Ring the bell Peacock.
I hope you're not going to
continue to order me about.
- We are on holiday you know.
- Yes of course, I am sorry.
Ring the bell Stephen.
Gutenberg.
- You British?
- We are as a matter of fact.
- That is good.
- Nice of you to say so.
- Are you having a long holiday?
- Just a couple of weeks.
If you worked harder
you could have longer.
The way the pound is going
you're lucky to be here, eh?
Posh bastard!
- Was sit ads?
- He said: what a posh basket.
Welcome.
I am Carlos.
He had me worried
for a minute.
I am most honoured to welcome you
to the Don Bernardo hotel.
Who are you please?
I believe you have a booking
of Grace Brothers.
- You are the Grace Brothers?
- That is correct.
He's the amazing grace.
- The ladies?
- They are Grace Brothers as well.
The ladies are brothers?
I am hearing about this.
You're the English drag show yes?
With the female
impersonations.
Now I look I can tell.
Those are the false boobooks.
Get off! I would have you know
that these are real boobooks...
...and I object to being ravaged.
Do you want to swap places?
I think that perhaps
I should explain.
We are all employed by Grace Brothers
department store.
We have a booking at this hotel
for seven rooms.
We do have booking for Grace Brothers.
Two brothers, one room two beds.
That'll do for Shirley and me,
what about the rest of 'em?
I think one has to assert one's
authority here Peacock.
- I want to see the manager.
- I am the manager.
There's nothing to worry about.
We've got rooms for you all.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- What about tonight?
- I can only give you the new wing.
I'll settle for the parson's nose
so long as it's got a bed in it.
What is the accommodation
in the new wing?
In the new wing I can
give you the penthouse.
Penthouses?
Sounds alright.
Speaking for myself, I'm not sharing a penthouse
with no one. And I am unanimous in that.
We have got seven penthouses.
You have one penthouse each.
- One each at no extra charge?
- Of course not sensor.
- We will each take a penthouse.
- Good. Your passports please.
- I have got girl to show you.
- Is she thrown in as well?
When you wasn't on the bus we
thought you'd gone to another hotel?
You don't wanna go on those buses. You don't
know who's been sitting in those seats.
I'm dying to get to my room to shave
and shower and sit on the balcony.
Oh what a shame. It's all booked up
and we've got the last ones.
We'll see about that.
You've got my secretary's cable confirming
the VIP suite for the Earl of Harmon.
Your majesty.
We are very honoured.
The Earl of Harmon?
You'll never get away with that.
I've got away with it.
Take his highness to his room.
See you later.
This is Grace Brothers.
Stanchion. The penthouse.
Rather looking forward
to seeing the pant hoses.
The "penthouses".
You come this way.
- Mr. Grainger? Are you free?
- I am free.
- What are you doing here?
- The uprising will start tomorrow.
At eight o'clock the troops will
cross the border.
My men will capture the radio station
and hold out till they arrive.
Go away! I'm a man of peace.
I don't want no trouble.
- Do you have a room?
- One, but it's not for you.
Upstairs.
First right.
You make up your mind, Carlos.
You are with them or
you are with us.
- Is that loaded?
- Of course.
Then I am with us.
So I sleep here.
Where is this beautiful
serving girl, Stanchion?
She's for me César.
She's not for you.
Tonight it will be different.
There are two beautiful English women here.
Fair skin, big boobooks.
Look, I'll show you
a picture.
The face, ugh.
But the body, hmm.
Tonight you'll tell me
where she sleeps.
Tonight she's yours.
I give her to you.
They've got a big balloon
flying over the hotel.
We could do with one of those
at Grace Brothers.
- It pays to advertise.
- It certainly does.
All I want now is a nice hot shower
and a rub down with a rough matador.
A matador, Mr Humphries,
is a Spanish bullfighter.
You dry off your way
and I'll dry off mine.
Don't start all that again.
Why not?
We're not in any hurry.
Look, we've had a long journey. We're hot and
tired and we like to get to our penthouses.
- Now where are they?
- You have one penthouse each.
- Good. Where?
- Through there.
What are you talking about?
Those aren't penthouses.
Of course they're penthouses.
Look I'll show you.
You take some "pent-folds",
some "pent-pegs"...
...you put them up. What
have you got: a "pent-house".
He means tents.
Of course. Penthouses.
My English spelling is so bad.
Whenever I want a T
I am having a Pr.
Remind me to stick
to coffee.
You won't catch me in a tent.
After seeing Stanchion
I shan't even try.
Having a bit of bother
with the rooms?
No, it's quite alright,
thank you.
What are you doing
up there, Harmon?
- This is my private suite.
- How did you manage to fiddle that?
I always pay the
VIP supplement.
Well, you have to, don't you.
You get a very judge class of...
...riff-raff on these package dues.
- My champagne is getting warm.
- The best thing we can do
is ignore him.
I wouldn't mind if he
wasn't so bleeding' common.
Seeing as you have some Spanish,
can you inform this person...
...that we are not kipping
on the canvas.
And I am unanimous in that.
We've booked seven rooms in this
hotel and we have confirmation.
You have confirmation but rooms
are not ready till tomorrow.
- Can't we go somewhere else?
- The town is full.
We better have a conference Peacock.
Are you free,
Mrs Salcombe, miss Brahms?
Mr Lucas are you free?
Surprisingly enough at the
moment I am free.
- Mr Grainger?
- Yes, I am free, Apt. Peacock.
- Mr Humphries, are you free?
- As a bird, Apt Peacock.
Well, flutter over here.
We appear to have a bit of
a crisis on our hands.
Obviously we are in the right...
...but due to circumstances
beyond our control...
...we are faced with only
two alternatives:
Either to sleep on the beach
or to sleep here in those tents.
I vote that we all go home.
I'm missing Mrs Grainger.
One gets used to things you know,
like arthritis.
It's a free holiday.
I am staying.
And she is unanimous in that.
Of course you stay.
You have beautiful wine now...
...and beautiful food.
Tonight you stay in your beautiful tents...
...and tomorrow you have
your beautiful rooms.
- What do you say?
- Do we get a kiss if we say yes?
Hands up those who want
us to stay.
Common Mr Grainger.
What have you got to lose?
At my age, very little.
Good, we all stay.
Dinner is at eight O' clock.
Where's the dining room?
The dining room is
full until tomorrow.
Tonight you'll have dinner
underneath the stars.
Doesn't it make you feel
romantic?
I am fighting against it
very satisfactorily, thank you.
I suppose I'd better go and
make something of my face.
Do you think they've got a
good plastic surgeon at this hotel?
Just because we're on holiday, doesn't
give you carte Blanche to be sarky.
I am sorry Mrs Salcombe.
I take it all back.
You leave your old face just as it
is and I shan't say another word.
I hope there's electricity
in these tents.
If there isn't, I've got
a battery razor you can borrow.
- May I say how charming you look?
- It's nothing really.
I picked up the first thing I
could find.
May I show you to your
table?
Don't let's go without
Apt Peacock.
Are you attired, Apt Peacock?
I was about to see
if miss Brahms is ready.
I was ready for hours, but I didn't
want to pop out there on me own.
I tell you what, Shirley.
We'll all gather round you...
...and then you can pop out
among friends.
I've never seen you looking
so lovely, miss Brahms.
I haven't been so moved, since I
stood and gazed at the Mona Lisa.
She got big knockers and all?
I see everybody is ready
for the repast.
Mrs Salcombe, would you
make an old man very happy?
One so rarely hears these
charming old-world phrases...
What can I say?
Make up your mind. Pop
into the tent or have dinner...
...and get it down to it after.
Ignore him.
Germans singing:
Britannia rules the waves.
Ignore it?
How prudent.
I speak the language.
Please Mr Grainger, we don't
want to start that all over again.
- Sit down, please.
- Damn Krauts!
I didn't write on the beaches
to be made to look a monkey.
We'll sit with our backs to them
and ignore them.
- Do I detect an anti-German feeling?
- You do, Mr Rumbold.
Some of us remember the w*r?
I haven't forgotten being flung
flat on me back on Clapham Common...
...by a landmine.
And the German air force was responsible.
All the other times she was flat on her
back the US air force was responsible.
I'm asking you for the last time.
Will you please knock it off?
She even remembers
what she said.
- Look at that.
- Surely that can't be our Mr Humphries.
- Lovely to have met you again.
- Lovely to see you too.
We are going to see a lot
of each other the next few days.
- Who's that gorgeous bit of crumpet?
- That's a very good friend of mine.
I'll tell you something else. He's much
happier since he's had the operation.
Do the other two know about it?
Harry and George?
They paid for it.
- You know some very strange people.
- They seem quite normal to me.
We really must learn
the language.
- What is Spanish for seat?
- Transient.
That's easy to remember.
I must say that I'm quite peckish.
All I had to eat on the plane
was a dead thing in jelly.
- Doesn't the food look different?
- It smells different too.
Certainly a change from the
staff canine.
- I hope it's good.
- Two hundred flies can't be wrong.
Let's tuck in.
Who's for melon balls?
- Me!
- I might have guessed.
- I think I'll try the seafood salad.
- That's supposed to make you virile.
I hardly think two mussels and a
shrivelled up prawn...
...would affect my sex-life
one way or the other.
- I must say this salad tastes lovely.
- The insects here are very greedy.
- What do you mean?
- That green Ricky thing just picked...
...up bit of your lettuce, put it on his
back and he's marching off home with it.
For you we have the speciality
of the Casa.
What a funny thing to
have a speciality of.
Whatever is it?
- Big octopus.
- They've never boiled a cat.
It's a traditional dish with
a lot of oil and garlic.
- They chop the tentacles into slices.
- Don't tell us any more.
It's not the sort of thing I am
accustomed to eating.
- You don't like?
- It's horrible.
You prefer the English menu?
Eggs, sausages, beans and chips
seven times.
Will you be taking the wine
or the brown ale?
- Wine please.
- Thank heavens.
El vino for the Grace Brothers.
But first the goblet of honour...
...for the lady with the
beautiful body.
Aren't they gallant?
Much's gracious.
- You speak Spanish?
- UN Petit Poi.
Have you got your wordbook?
What's Spanish for:
where's the little girl's room?
I'm ahead of you, Mrs Salcombe.
Donne seta sol services?
The nearest one,
she's over there.
Ladies first.
That was quick.
I haven't been yet.
There's no bolt on the door.
In my country, when it's occupied
we sing.
There's an old mill by the stream...
Where we used to sit and dream...
Belt up you lot.
You're putting me off.
Sorry Mrs Salcombe,
we'll sing something else.
Every time it rains it rains...
For some reason best known
to the locals...
...the bolt is on the outside.
If they like the song, they'll keep you
there and make you do it all over again.
Composing a letter to your
mother, Mr Lucas?
No sir,
it's for Shirley there.
I'm giving her one more chance.
If she doesn't agree to my suggestion
I'll have to chat up the local crumpet.
What exactly are you suggesting?
Dear sexy knickers...
I've been mad about you
ever since we met.
Come to my tent tonight
and we'll watch the moon rise together.
She won't fall for that.
If she doesn't, it's the
last chance she's gonna get.
And Stanchion could get lucky.
- You speak English?
- A little tatty bit.
Give this to the señorita
wearing the glasses.
Isn't it a beautiful night?
The nights clamp down very
early in the tropicals.
- For you, señorita.
- A note, for me?
How mysterious.
- Who sent it?
- The sensor who pours the wine now.
Fill her up Apt Peacock.
- Apt Peacock sent me a note.
- What's he saying?
- Dear sexy knickers.
- What makes him think that?
That'll do miss Brahms.
Some people find directories...
...very exciting.
Well they did during the w*r.
I've been mad about you
ever since we met.
Come to my tent tonight
and we'll watch the "what" rise together.
Oh, the moon.
Would you believe it.
Don't they get bold
in the tropicals.
You're not going to
go are you?
I think I ought to go
to teach him a lesson.
I shall lead him on...
...and then I'll give him
a piece of my mind eventually.
Have you got something to write?
Dear sexy Y-fronts.
Will come to your tent tonight...
...and together we'll see it come up.
Would you give this note
to the man with the moustache...
...at the end of the table.
A note from the señorita
down there.
Which one?
The one with the figure
like Raquel Welch.
A note from miss Brahms?
- Dear sexy Y-fronts?
- Amazing how these rumours get around.
Will come to your tent tonight
and together we'll see it come up.
What does she have in mind?
Can't wait to get together
with you tonight.
More discreet if I come
to your tent.
Bottoms up.
Signed: sexy Y-fronts.
Give this note to the one
with the face in the mirror.
What a good idea, miss Brahms?
Can I borrow that, love.
- This is for you sensor.
- How very due.
I can't wait.
Bottoms up?
Signed: sexy Y-fronts.
- Who sent this?
- The one who goes to sing the song.
I'd never have believed it
in a million years.
The quiet ones are all the same.
This'll dampen his ardour.
Bottoms up.
Has my call to England
come through yet?
It's my mother.
She worries about me.
The call's only got as
far as Bootle.
Still it's only a short walk.
Yes, I'll hold.
Please, you must help me.
I'm in trouble.
It's Carlos.
He wants to...
I've heard that's quite nice.
Hello?
There's a lot of interference.
I don't know if it's
your end or mine.
Most of it's at mine.
Tenor, he's taking the
bolt from my door.
Let me sleep in your tent.
I know I can trust you.
How did you manage
to work that out?
Hello mother.
Yes, I am fine.
I told the pilot what you said.
He was very careful.
I know I've left
my hot water bottle.
Somehow I don't think I need it.
Tenor, please tell me
I may sleep in your tent?
Yes, it was a girl's voice.
You're right.
The change will do me good.
I don't want to sit nattering too long,
because I will run up a big bill.
- Tenor, please say yes?
- Give us a kiss then.
- Oh you beautiful man.
- You Dave!
- That was the night porter.
- I see you in your tent tonight.
He has got a very
high pitched voice.
He used to be a bullfighter but
he got caught in the corridors.
Of course I shall say
my prayers.
I'll ask him to make
me a good boy.
He'll have his work
cut out tonight though.
Your penthouse is to your liking?
You've got everything you need?
Apart from one or two
things I don't need.
For reasons I won't go into.
Do you have a spare bed?
I have one bed, sir,
but I dare not offer it to you.
I shall make it worth your while.
The other bed in the room
is occupied by César Rodriguez.
The most dangerous man
in the country.
He k*lled twelve men
with his bare hands.
In that case if anybody wants me,
I shall be in my tent.
- Any messages for me?
- Nothing, César.
Listen carefully.
My men are hiding in the hills.
They will be with me at dawn.
At the same time the liberating forces
will cross the border.
By midday everything
will be ours.
So tomorrow is your big day?
And tonight is my big night.
What a body.
- Tell me which tent she is in?
- I'll show you myself later.
Tonight is my big night too.
For me Stanchion.
For you the beautiful
body of Mrs Salcombe.
- Is that you Apt Peacock?
- No, Shirley. Can I come in?
I just passed old Peacock's tent.
He's humming: tonight's the night.
The smell of his aftershave
practically took my breath away.
You know what they say.
Anticipation is half the pleasure.
- Does he get the other half then?
- Never you mind.
If you need help,
just give us a yell.
I shan't be asleep 'cause
the bed's too uncomfortable.
- I brought this.
- Good night then.
Many more dinners like that...
...and I shall have to learn a
longer song.
- Yes, miss Brahms?
- No, it's me, Carlos.
I forgot to ask you
what time you'd like breakfast.
Speaking on behalf of the men
I'd say eight O' clock.
- And the ladies?
- I shall have to inquire.
Are you there, Mrs Salcombe?
I thought you were.
I'll call back later if you wish.
Or indeed not at all.
I seem to have a slow leak.
Sounds like a quick one to me.
I was just putting a little bit
more air in my lino.
That explains a lot.
Carlos wonders what time
we like breakfast.
Aren't we taking a lot for
granted, Apt Peacock?
They have breakfast
on the brochure.
Is there a good
view from there?
08:30.
As we're abroad, do you
fancy it English or continental?
You're a man of the world.
I leave that entirely to you.
We're having it
continental style.
Don't tell everybody.
Good evening, Mr Humphries.
Going for a dip?
I haven't been sitting in the
cocktail bar with this lot on.
I just fancy a quick turn
before light's out.
Not with me you don't.
It was dark in the jungle hut...
...suddenly he was aware of
something stirring.
You can't come in Apt Peacock.
I am armed and dangerous.
It's me Shirley.
Are you free?
Providing you haven't
got desires on the body.
- I'm in a bit of trouble.
- There's a lot of it about.
- This wiggly-wiggly thing...
- There's a lot of those about as well.
It came into my tent
and frightened me.
I came out bits of
goosebumps all over.
A couple of them
haven't gone down yet.
Can I sleep in your tent tonight
and you in mine?
What makes you think
a wiggly-wiggly...
On second thought there's
a lot of things wandering about.
I'll take up your offer.
Take my hairlike.
It turns flies into gliders.
Dear sexy knickers.
How romantic.
What was it he said?
Come to my tent tonight and
we'll watch the moon rise together.
I was just taking a little walk.
I usually give my p*ssy
an airing at this time of night.
While you're out,
can I stay in your tent?
- What for?
- I was in miss Brahms' tent...
...and this big furry thing
frightened me.
I've never seen one before,
so I hit it with this.
Haven't you led a
sheltered life?
You can go into my tent.
When I come back, I'll
explain things to you.
Can I borrow your face cream?
Do and help yourself to my
vitamin pills.
Miss Brahms just can't wait.
I was just about
to come to your tent.
Are you sure
nobody's seen you?
Not if I'm stuck
here much longer.
- Where are you?
- I'm here.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
You're beckoning.
Waving your Y-fronts.
I can explain that sir.
I was trying to
catch someone's attention.
You did. Mine.
I was trying to get service.
What kind of service?
Laundry service.
They won't see you in the dark.
Perhaps that's why
they didn't come.
- Anything else sir?
- No, carry on Peacock.
I am sorry,
You're supposed to sing a song.
I forgot the words.
Couldn't you have gone
riddle riddle tum tum?
Whether I wish to riddle riddle
is entirely my affair.
- Goodnight, Mr Rumbold.
- Goodnight.
- I've got them on.
- I am glad to hear it.
Mr Rumbold just caught me in the
loo and told me off when I was riddling.
That's rather exceeding
his authority, isn't it?
I wasn't serious about
your Y-fronts.
I am not that sort
of girl at all.
- What time is it?
- 23:30.
What time does it come up?
Mrs Exelby says it always looks
much bigger in the tropics.
- Really?
- I suppose if you're in the arctic...
...it'll be quite small.
That would follow, yes.
Isn't this romantic?
You and me in the hot tropic night?
Where are you going?
I thought we were going
to have it continental style?
All the time I've been chased
by that terrible sexy man.
I feel safe with you.
Take me to England and
let me stay with you?
What's your game?
I am not sharing my
bed with nobody.
I'm sorry. I want
to sleep with Mr Humphries.
- He'll make me happy.
- Oh yes, you'll be lucky.
He's in the end tent
down there.
I am early.
I'll get in and pretend
I'm a hot water bottle.
Are you there
Mr Humphries?
- Who is it?
- It's Stanchion, Mr Humphries.
- Can I come in?
- Depends what you want?
- I want to spend the night with you.
- I am free.
All that time I've been chased
by that terrible sexy man, Carlos.
I feel safe with you.
Take me to England and
let me live with you.
What's the matter?
I haven't done anything.
It wasn't me.
It was him.
Let's see what she's got.
Anti-wrinkle cream.
I don't need any of that.
Not on my face anyway.
Here you are, César.
The tent of Mrs Salcombe.
- The one with the beautiful body?
- Yes and the big boobooks.
- Good luck.
- And good luck to you, amigo.
I don't need lock.
I have the bolt.
Adidas.
Anything can happen with Adidas.
I only used a little drop.
Go away Apt Peacock.
Any impression I've given you...
...that your advances to me are welcome
is entirely false and I wish it...
...to be known by the world.
I'm not a Peacock.
My name is César.
Not the one that k*lled
twelve men with his bare hands.
- Thirteen.
- Unlucky for some.
I saw the photograph
in your passport.
- You've set me aflame.
- It isn't even a good one.
I've lost my heart to you,
beautiful Mrs Salcombe.
Are you not going to invite me
into your tent?
It's not very convenient
at the moment.
Why?
Do you got a man in there?
If you have got a man in there,
I'll slit his throat.
- Tell me you're alone.
- I'm alone. I'm alone.
Do you invite me in
or do I slit it open?
You don't give a girl much
choice, do you?
- I'm coming.
- No, hold on.
There's a couple of things
I've got to see to.
- Are you really?
- I'm just titivating myself.
- How tall are you?
- Six feet.
- Can I come in?
- Yes, but only for a chat.
Take that thing away.
I haven't got a spare.
- Don't like the cold steel?
- Not even cold tripe.
I expect you wonder
why I am here?
I've got a pretty
good idea.
I've come because
of this.
That's told a couple
of fibs, hasn't it?
You are a woman
in a million.
Even more unusual than that.
Tomorrow I may die.
Tonight will be a night
to remember.
Won't you rather go down
to the pub with the boys?
It's gay time
from nine to twelve.
Don't you joke with me.
I'm César.
- I'm behind the big uprise.
- Better than being in front of it.
I have 600 men
camping near here.
What do you want
me for then?
Just one little kiss.
I'm a respectable girl.
I've been brought up proper.
But you kissed a man before?
None of your business.
Maybe this moustache
frightens you?
My aunty Elly's used to have one.
She used to put candle wax...
...at each end and light her
self up for Christmas.
You won't get away from me.
I'm being chased
by a man.
I'm not surprised
dressed like that.
Now I have you.
Where are you?
- What are you doing in my nighty?
- What somebody else is trying...
...to do in your nighty.
I'm being chased by César...
...who k*lled 13 men
with his bare hands.
What does he do
to women?
I didn't stop
to find out.
- Come back, Mrs Salcombe.
- I never was any good at running.
- Which way to the beach?
- Head to the right.
What a charming old-world sight.
Do you see the one at the back?
I seem to recognize the walk.
Peace be with you sisters.
You owe us some sort
of explanation.
I had to take sanctuary
in a nunnery.
I'd still be there
if my needlework had been any good.
I trust you won't be dressed
like that for long.
I haven't taken the vows,
if that's what you mean.
Mind you, I did make one
or two rash promises.
You were a noisy lot
last night.
You'll give the British
a bad name.
The poor little waitress.
You frightened her to death.
Thank you darling.
What's all this?
That's not on the menu?
The Earl was very good to me last
night and very hungry this morning.
- She needed a father figure.
- She got a grandfather figure.
You know what the trouble
with you is?
You're jealous.
- Wen's our breakfast coming?
- It's come. One bun.
One bun?
Is that all?
If you go on like that
you'll waste away to a mountain.
Why the special treatment
for Mr Harmon?
He's in training for the derby
in German sex Olympics.
Whatever is that?
I'm worried about my
nose catching the sun.
- What about your ears?
- They'll only catch the rain.
You should try one of these.
They've got build-in gutters.
- What are you doing here?
- The fools haven't crossed the border.
My uprising is cut off.
Here. There's a g*n.
We'll fight side by side
and we will die together.
I cannot, César.
I'm writing the menus for lunch.
There's gonna be
no lunch.
The troops are outside.
They know you're here.
Tell your men to drop
back at the hotel.
Carlos.
Everyone out.
- They all paid for the whole week.
- If they stay here, they'll die here.
Everybody leave, everybody out.
I think I'll go on
the beach for an hour.
And have a go at one
of those pedal boats.
I'll try and find a golf course.
I shall have to find a taxi and
meet young Mr Grace at the airport.
What about you,
Mr Grainger?
I thought that I might buy a postcard
and tell my dear wife...
...I've been dreaming about her.
Whatever is that?
Probably a sh**ting party.
- Do they have pheasants on the beach?
- You get them anywhere.
It's not very sporting to go
after them with jet-fighters.
There's an uprising.
Everybody's leaving the hotel.
- You must go too.
- What do you mean, leave the hotel?
- We only arrived last night.
- Please sensor, you must leave.
Stay where you are.
The road is under fire.
Ridiculous.
I don't believe a word of it.
I believe a word of it.
What are we
going to do?
Get sister Humphries
to say a few Hail Marys.
The situation is
perfectly plain.
Those troops out there
don't know we're British.
All we got to do
is show the flag.
We haven't got
a flag to show.
Without going into details
I happen to know that...
...Mrs Salcombe has a nether
garment that would serve our purpose.
Have you been showing him
your knickers again?
The garment you request is no
longer available.
- Why not?
- They've gone to the laundry.
We must let them know
we are here somehow.
Wave your bowler hat at them.
There you are.
That was a good idea Mr Lucas.
Somebody waving a bowler hat
could attract their attention...
...and address them
over the wall.
Mr Rumbold has
a bowler hat.
You can borrow it
with pleasure.
Only management is
allowed to wear bowler hats.
I could overrule
that decision.
- Mr Lucas, are you free?
- Not at the moment Apt Peacock.
I'm free.
The bowler hat.
Get it.
Mr Lucas, remember you're
up for a rise.
I hope you remember that
when the time comes.
I will.
If you're still with us.
Thank God, that
wasn't me.
I thought they sh*t
off his waterworks.
Not Mr Lucas.
Not in the prime of his life.
He can always join
us lot.
Not him. The fat
little boy on the fountain.
He can join
us lot as well.
- Good luck, Mr Rumbold.
- What shall I say?
Tell them we're British and
that they're spoiling our holidays.
Tell them there's a sister of
mercy here...
...got to get back to the nunnery
to hold her canticles.
This is the kind of thing
that made Britain great.
Stupid but right.
I say, you fellows.
We're British.
I don't think that was
a very good idea, Peacock.
I might've had
my brains blow out.
Nobody's that good
a sh*t.
Why don't we phone the
British embassy?
Phone the British embassy
and tell them we're here.
I cannot sir.
We are cut off.
- Can you send a message?
- No man is safe on the street.
In that case then, Mr Humphries.
I'll smack your wrists
in a minute.
I'm not being funny.
You're dressed as a nun...
- Your habit could safe you.
- That would make a change.
- We're all going to be k*lled.
- Your p*ssy's going to be an orphan.
It's like the g*ns
of Navar one.
He's not dead, is he?
He's just eaten one
of their buns.
Isn't there any other way
we can send a message?
The answer is up above.
Don't get carried away
by your costume.
I'm talking about the balloon.
All we've got to do is wind it down...
...write a message on the tablecloth
and tie it on.
Isn't he ingenious.
Mr Lucas, wind
that balloon down.
- Why does it always have to be me?
- You're the junior, get going.
Take the things off
that table.
Don't waste time
doing that.
This is a little trick I learned.
Damn.
What are we going
to write with?
Has anybody got
a lipstick?
Don't look at me.
We're not allowed to wear any.
- Here we are.
- I've got one too.
- What shall we write?
- Please inform British consul general...
...that Grace Brother's executive
trapped in hotel...
- ...regards Cuthbert Rumbold.
- We haven't got time for all that.
- Just write: help British!
- I write: help. You write: British.
Something has just dropped
into your tent.
Pity I was out.
It's no good.
I am finished.
- Surrender.
- I will never surrender.
- They're bringing on the big cannons.
- They're sending over more planes.
Please leave, César.
They will ruin my hotel.
I will never surrender.
- Let the women go free.
- Think of us women and the babies.
- Babies? I see no babies.
- I'm going to have one in a minute.
Keep down, Mrs Salcombe.
Some of that was damn close.
- Where can I go?
- Get into the loo.
It's got a corrugated
iron roof.
- No. I go in there.
- You rotten dog.
Why does he always do this
to me in the touring season?
You ugly beast.
Take the break of.
Get me out of here.
It's a shame to sh**t at it.
I surrender.
What's he waving?
Whatever it is, they stopped f*ring.
He's dropped it.
Mrs Salcombe.
Your laundry's come back.
How did he get them?
What's that noise?
They're sending the tanks in
against you.
- You lot have had it now.
- What do you mean: you lot?
You've had it as well.
Speak for yourself,
you ruddy capitalist.
Up the revolution!
It's young Mr Grace.
It's very difficult to
get a taxi around here.
You get down, we haven't
got to our hotel yet.
How are you all
enjoying your holidays?
Well, it's different.
You've all done very well.
Thank you, Mr Grace.
Are You Being Served? (1977)
Moderator: Maskath3
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