Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland (2016)

[bunniefuu]

[GOAT BLEATING]

ALEX: Hi, I'm Alex.

I play football for the
greatest college in the world,

Blue Mountain State University.

We excel at three things here,

science, social
awareness and... [LAUGHS]

I'm kidding. It's a
straight party school,

no one goes to class here.

This is Sammy, he's my best friend.

That's Donnie, he likes to drink.

Harmon, he likes dr*gs.

Mary Jo, she's a cheerleader.

This is Larry.

Ah, what can we say about Larry? I
don't know. We'll think about it.

That's our coach. He's legendary.

Oh, and this is Thad.

He was our team captain.

Great football player,

terrible person.

He just graduated and
I couldn't be happier,

because this is my senior year.

[LAUGHING] Without question,

this is going to be the
greatest year of my life.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[TV PLAYING]

- They call him the fifty million dollar man!
- [YAWNS]

Last month was the NFL Draft where Thad
Castle of Blue Mountain State was selected.

Number one overall, a pick that was
widely regarded to be enormously risky.

Now is he the most naturally gifted
linebacker we've seen since Lawrence Taylor?

Yes.

Is he also the least naturally gifted
when it comes to making decisions,

- JONES: off the field?
- [ENGINE ROARING]

An even bigger yes.

I'm Dhani Jones here
with Thad Castle

to discuss his new fame and fortune.

Thad Castle, thanks for being here.

You're welcome for having me.

Thad, let's just get right into it,

multi-million dollar contract.

- Peanuts.
- Fifty million dollar signing bonus.

Peanuts.

Are you calling
fifty million dollars

peanuts?

It's a good start,

but honestly, I expected
to be making billions.

With a "B"?

- No.
- [WOMEN LAUGHING IN THE BACKGROUND]

With a dollar sign.

Thad, what are you gonna
do with all this money?

Probably just...

Make myself happy.

Like the other day, I was
feeling so down. I almost cried.

I went out and bought 97 g*ns.

- [HEAVY SHELLING]
- THAD: I love g*ns.

I got a p*stol, a machine g*n,
a Call of Duty g*n,

- a Halo g*n.
- [Yells]

And I got a t*nk.

I got this one g*n that just
sh**t for 45 seconds, straight.

Oh, also, I bought a zoo.

THAD: I got wolves and giraffes,

I got monkeys.

- Mountain lions.
- Woah!

Saber tooth tigers. I mean,
I figure what the hell?

If Matt Damon can buy a zoo,

- So can Thad Castle.
- [BEAR ROARS]

- How do you like them apples?
- [BEAR ROARS]

I also got a dinosaur.

It's the, ah, the big monster one
with horns growing out of its face.

JONES: A rhinoceros?

- THAD: What?
- [BELLOWS]

With the horn, a rhinoceros.

The dinosaur.

Yeah.

I got one.

Thad, talk to me about Alex Moran.

There's a lot of talk questioning
his ability to lead the...

- Mountain Goat team.
- Oh, ask me about my shoes.

Hey, well, tell me about your shoes.

They're called "Thadinators."

They're like Jordan's, but in mine,

you can run higher and jump faster.

Isn't it a run faster
and jump higher.

We're still working on our slogan.

So which company is
making these shoes?

Uh, mine does...

- Uh, Thad Company.
- Thad Company.

It's the same company
that makes my hats,

THAD: and waterproof shirts,

and condoms.

And also the same
company that makes this

Hall of Fame jacket you haven't
even asked me about yet.

Don't you think you should wait
until you get to the Hall of Fame

before you wear a jacket like that?

Oh, yeah. Don't you
think you should wait,

till you get in the Hall of Fame?

Waiting is for pussies.

Well, there you have it.

Thad, meet the world...

Hey sloots, say "hi" to the world.

GIRLS: Hey, world.

World, meet Thad Castle.

PRODUCER: And we're out.

THAD: Somebody get my chopper!

ALEX: Blue 16.

Blue 16.

Hey, O'Brien!

I'm pretty sure if that ball was
an STD you would've caught it!

O'BRIAN: Sorry, coach.

- Good throw.
- Thanks, coach.

[UNDER BREATH] Let us go home.

- What? What'd you say?
- Hmm?

- Another? You want me to throw another one?
- No.

- I could throw another one.
- Second team,

get second team in there.

DONNIE: Second team! Let's go, let's go!

Then all at once I was sh*t out
into the light like a cannon ball.

Anyway, that's how I got my kicking
shoe out of that elephant's assh*le.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Somebody's got to talk to coach
about these four-hour practices.

This is k*lling me.

No. We need them.

Season's right around the corner.

I gotta be honest with you guys. It doesn't
matter how much extra practice we have,

we aren't going to do well this year.

We're terrible.

Whoa, we're not gonna be that bad man.

We've got you and your arm,

we've got my kicking leg
and we've got Donnie's...

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Hmm-mmm.

- I wanna say muscles?
- That'll work.

But three people can't carry this team.

No. Right now is our time to party.

Right now.

It's just...

I mean look at Sammy.

He's been hammered since 10:00 am.

He's doing it right.

Hey, Sammy!

SAMMY: Hi, buddy, how you doing?

I got f*cking hammered last night.

[MUMBLING]

I don't know what he's saying right now.

- Do you understand that?
- I don't know what he's saying.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- ALEX: He's so hammered.

Sammy.

You're doing it all wrong.

I know you're drunk but you're
f*cking it up for all of us.

It's not even me.

It's the f*cking g*dd*mn
goat. He's a f*cking assh*le.

He's a goat. You're a human person.

- There's no rivalry here.
- [BLEATS]

SAMMY: Ouch!

What the f*ck, he just bit me!

He did not just bite you.

Billy would never bite anyone...

- ALL GIRLS: Aw.
- Aw.

He did. He f*cking bit me!

- Yeah, f*cking go pet him,
- [BLEATS]

- you little piece of sh*t!
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Okay, coach Summers, round them up.

Round them up, like, here?

Yes, right here! Round them up.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

So he said, "At least it
wasn't a reach around."

- [LAUGHING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWING]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, okay.

Joke time's over. I need
you guys to round up.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's too weird.

I'm sorry, it's Coach Summers now.

And I need you guys to round up.

Hey, can I try your hat on?

- I've always wanted to wear...
- No, don't take my hat!

Give me back...

- All right, I'll give you your hat back.
- I need my playbook.

- Give me that.
- DANIELS: Hey!

Quit screwing around! Round up!

- [TEASING AND LAUGHING]
- God!

You don't bone tag your coach!

DANIELS: All right now listen up.

You all know the cheerleaders.

They helped me prepare a little cheer.

Especially for you guys.

You ready?

♪ You suck, you suck ♪

♪ You suck today you suck ♪

♪ I wanna f*cking k*ll you
all for wasting all my time ♪

♪ It's the worst
day of my life ♪

♪ since my father d*ed ♪

♪ You suck, you suck ♪

♪ You suck and you suck ♪

Oh.

It's kind of catchy.

Great practice today, champ.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God,

I do not want to talk about practice.

Yeah, neither do I. I actually need some
advice from you. And it's about a girl.

I've seen the girls you get with, Mary Jo.

I should be taking advice from you.

No, this one's different.

She's not some brainiac
PHD like I usually go for.

- Okay.
- She's dumb as rocks like you usually go for.

But she's so fun. It's...

Really nice.

Okay, well, my advice,

you should bring her by the Goat House.

That's the advice from
Alex Moran, king of BMS?

- Yes.
- Bring her to a house?

Well, it's not just a house.

- It's just a house.
- It's not just a house.

- It's just a house.
- It worked on you,

freshman year.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Fine.

Maybe it worked on one smart girl.

It's like an aphrodisiac.

It's like oysters or money.

It's magical.

Fine. I'll bring her to the Goat House.

I don't know, maybe I'll finger
her on the lawn or something.

Well, Sammy did just
mow the lawn yesterday.

- So...
- Okay, perfect.

- Skin it here, Alex.
- All right.

- Thanks, dude.
- Ugh!

Bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What are you doing here?

It's a...

...drug I'm working on.

Figure if I am going to get into the
family drug manufacturing business

after I graduate, I really gotta...

Buckle down.

Yeah, yeah. Let me have a hit of that.

Oh!

This isn't for everybody.

It's pretty intense.

Alex, what the hell are we doing here man?

I have some very important drinking to do.

The coach called a
meeting, he said no booze.

And he's the boss.

That's right, Moran.

DANIELS: I am the boss.

This is Dean Oliviar.

Olivares.

Say again.

Olivares!

Whatever.

Anyway he's new here at BMS.

So, I want you to sit there.

And I want you to show him some respect.

And stop making that face.

What? This is just my face.

Well, sorry.

Anyway, Dean the floor is yours.

What is a dean?

[ALL MURMURING]

Excellent question.

A dean is like a coach.

DEAN: For the whole university.

You could say

that I am the coach

of your coach.

Excuse me are you saying cooch?

Coach, yeah.

- That's a cooch.
- [ALL LAUGHING]

Like a female.

Coach, coach.

"Coach." He's saying coach.

ALL: Oh, coach.

Yeah. Got it.

Way off on that one.

As your coach,

I have a big problem with your behavior.

Twenty-five percent arrest rate.

- FOOTBALLER PLAYER: Yeah!
- Drinking,

dr*gs, indecent exposure.

What I find

is a house full of drunkards,

prostitutes, and imbeciles...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We are not prostitutes.

DEAN: Oh.

Mr. Moran.

- Hi.
- [CHUCKLES]

I've heard a lot about you.

- [WHISPERING] Hey, congrats, man.
- Thanks, guys.

The king of Blue Mountain State.

The king of Blue Mountain State.

I wouldn't say that.

Well I got news for you, Mr. Moran.

Your kingdom,

has a new ruler.

Me! [SMACKS LIPS]

I thought you were the cooch?

I heard that the first time.

You better makeup your mind.

I'm the coach.

But I'm going to be king just as soon
as I storm your castle, Mr. Moran.

You're gonna bang Alex?

- What?
- [ALL LAUGHING]

I'm not comfortable with that.

SAMMY: Why would you want to do that?

He's not banging anybody!

Now, shut up!

Yeah, uh...

What I mean to say,

Saturday at midnight,

Blue Mountain State,

will seize this...

Goat House,

and auction it to the highest bidder.

- What?
- [EVERYONE MUMBLING]

That you understand, don't you?

You can't take the Goat House.

[LAUGHING] Oh, I can.

I can.

This house of filth and lawlessness
is no longer yours to rule.

DEAN: Now if you'll excuse me.

I have other students that I need to

coach.

[WHISTLES]

sh*t. Okay, all right.

Okay, okay.

Coach, coach,

you can't let this happen.

Next year is my senior year.

[STAMMERS] If the team sucks,
this house is all I have.

Well, then you better make
sure that the team doesn't suck.

Just gonna have a beer,

we're gonna have a beer and just relax.

Too much sh*t has happened
here, we can't let it go.

I waited three years for
this house to be mine.

Now I'm not letting some smug prick

walk up in here and take it from me.

No. What we need is a plan.

Prostitutes. We'll become prostitutes,

sell our bodies, make some money.

We're definitely not doing a hunger strike.

Oh, I'm having a brainstorm.

We k*ll the dean!

[EVERYONE MUMBLING]

No.

We k*ll the Dean's family and
make it look like he did it.

[MUMBLING AGREEMENT]

- SAMMY: That's a great one.
- No, guys.

We're not k*lling anybody, okay?

What we need is some quick cash.

Now let's think about this.

Who would be dumb enough

to spend hundreds of thousands
of dollars to buy this house?

THAD: What the hell is this sh*t?

Did I not tell this prick chef,

medium-rare well?

d*ck: I heard you say it.
You definitely told him.

And you call this bearnaise sauce?

I'm appalled right now!

- [PLATE CRASHING]
- [OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

Somebody tell that Chef

I want a ham, with veal in
it, and crab legs sticking out.

I'm paying $12,000 for it,

so it better taste like $12,000!

Hey, Thad.

I was just won...

Yep, there it is. Okay, hi.

I'm Alex. What's your name? Seriously?

He's clean.

Hair.

Clean.

- Balls.
- What?

Ah, what the...

- Clean.
- Yeah.

- I, uh, I just...
- Hey! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Do you want me to put the...

Put it on.

Who is this guy?

This is d*ck Dawg.

He's my security guy.

And my cousin.

And, um, like my butler sometimes.

That's Dawg with a "W-G" m*therf*cker.

- Ah.
- Suck my d*ck,

you bowtie-wearing piece of sh*t!

Oh!

- Oh!
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, man. Nice work, d*ck Dawg,

- write yourself a check.
- f*ck yeah!

You're wearing one too. You put this on me.

Yeah and he'll do it
again, if I tell him to!

I could dress you in bow ties for
the next thirty years if I want.

Don't think I got the money?

Read a newspaper.

Don't got a subscription to a newspaper?

- I could buy you that too.
- [d*ck TEARING CHECK]

Reading is fundamentional,
you giant bag of dicks.

[LAUGHING]

Amazing! Write yourself another check.

All right.

I'm starting to see the
family resemblance here.

Sit down before I friggin lose my mind!

Um, I guess, I'll just get to it then.

Um...

Um...

f*cking say it.

The Dean is selling the Goat House.

And I was just thinking that
now that you're super rich,

and famous that you could
maybe you could buy the house

and give it to me.

Hey, you wanna see something funny, Moran?

Watch this.

Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap,
whap, whap, whap, whap, whap,

- whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap...
- [LAUGHING]

It's so fun, you have to try it Moran.

- Do you know what, I'm good thanks.
- Whap, whap, whap.

Fine. Suit yourself, God.

So, the Goat House then? Hmm?

Why would I buy the Goat House?

Because it used to be yours.

We had a lot of good times there, Thad!

We can't let the Dean take it away.

The past is the past, Moran.

- I don't have time to think about BMS.
- Okay.

I've got better things to do now.

Bigger things.

Huge things.

Enormous things.

Gigantic things.

Infinity things.

[WHISPERING] Uh... Why
did I not think of that?

Write me a check to myself.

Please, Thad,

you're my only hope.

Okay,

you really talked me into it, Moran.

So, here's what I'm willing to do.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

- [SLAPS]
- Aw!

I'm on a f*cking roll right now.

[STAMMERS]

What the...

You throw me this party?

The f*ck!

And I'll help you out.

Thadland?

I came up with the idea when I was 10.

I wished for a party that was...

THAD: Bigger than any party
the world had ever seen before.

A party full of wonder,
and dreams, and titties!

A place where I could celebrate
going pro and being a billionaire.

And I called that place...

"Thadland."

I only have $50,000,000 so far,

but it'll have to do.

Okay.

Why can't you just throw
this party yourself?

- [SCOFFS] Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- d*ck: Oh, yeah

BOTH: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

THAD: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that would be tacky.

WAITRESS: Here's your veal.

- Stuffed ham with crab legs.
- Whoa!

Look, I, I... [STAMMERS]

I just don't think that
this is gonna be possible.

THAD: Well, that's my offer.

Do it and I'll help you out.

Don't do it,

and I won't.

Now get out!

I never want to see your handsome
face in here again. Get out!

And where the hell are my meatballs?

This is insane!

I mean, it's doable but
it's all pretty screwed up.

- Is, is that a unicorn sh1tting a rainbow?
- Yeah.

That's not a horn coming out of its head,

that's a dildo.

[ALL GASP]

So it's a dildocorn.

DONNIE: But yes, it is sh1tting a rainbow.

ALEX: Okay, guys look,

I have been thinking a lot about this.

Throwing this party is
not going to be that bad.

Thad and I were really started hitting
it off before he left school last year.

I'm in. I'm doing this.

Nice.

Screw it. I'm in too.

Gentlemen, before we
get ahead of ourselves,

I'd like to remind you, all the man
we'd be inviting back into this house.

You are the very same man who viscously
b*rned down a field of my weed,

just so he could get God high.

I understand where you're
coming from, Harmon.

Trust me,

there is no other way
to save the Goat House.

All right,

- you are the king.
- Huh?

- So you're in?
- I'm in!

- Yes!
- So, we're doing this.

- All right, we are.
- All right.

Bring it in. Thadland on three, baby.

TEAM MEMBER: Let's go, baby.

One, two, three.

ALL: Thadland!

SAMMY: You guys have any clue what the
hell is going on, on this last page here?

You think he wants to fly?

- No. It's a metaphor.
- Yeah.

He wants to get so high

it feels like he's flying.

No. He's a plane.

I had a dream the other
night that I was a plane,

and I crashed and b*rned.

But then I woke up and I realized

that my bed was just on fire because
I fell asleep with a lit cigarette.

Um, I'm sorry.

Where did you come from?

Heaven.

Oh, this is your friend!

Right, well, welcome to the Goat House!

It's magical.

Yeah. I can feel it.

Like, the magic.

Right.

And I like the magic here too.

Yeah, they just cut the grass.

Oh.

[STAMMERING] Uh, so... We're...

We're throwing a party this weekend.

You should come.

I'll be there.

Oh, good.

Yeah, we'll be there.

Skin it.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

All right. Oh! Ha!

Yeah, it's me.

Sammy, how do I look?

- Wow, I love that suit.
- Yeah?

It looks just like the one Thad drew.

Hey, if he drew it, we're
gonna make it happen.

I don't want to give him any
reason not to buy us this house.

All right?

Guys, I'm beginning to
think Thad's not coming.

Oh, he's coming.

- SAMMY: I know it.
- [ENGINE WHIRRING]

What the hell is that sound?

Is that a...

Is that a f*cking hovercraft?

He's here! He's here!

[EVERYONE SCREAMS]

Hey, Thad.

You're hand's on a $30,000
coat right now, Moran.

d*ck: Hey, cool suit, ass wipe.

THAD: Hilarious.

You're the one who told
me wear... Never mind.

You remember the guys right?

- Donnie.
- Hey, buddy.

Oh, Thad.

It's so great to see you,
thanks for coming by here!

[GRUNTS] Who are you?

Sammy!

You know you used to call
me Mascot, or houseboy!

I wore the goat suit! I'd go,
"Go team, go." I was out there.

There was someone in that thing?

Hey, back off.

Oh, no, it's okay I'm
just talking to my friend.

Oh, your friend?

I don't think he knows you man.

Well...

I don't know you.

- I've never met you.
- I have.

I just don't remember you.

I don't think so.

I have met you, your
face isn't ringing a bell.

I've never met you in my life bro.

ALEX: Okay. Thad.

Are you ready?

I drew this thing when I was 10.

I've been waiting for...

Thirteen. Thirteen years.

I was gonna say that.

All right then, let's
just step right up here.

Welcome

to Thadland.

- [BREAKER SWITCHING]
- [EVERYONE SCREAMS]

I...

[EVERYONE CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Fifty-four strains of marijuana?

Yep. And all the most
expensive in the world.

Cocaine!

United Nations of cocaine.

Purest strains from around the world.

HARMON: Tested each one personally.

Just one rule about the cocaine room.

Guys, don't die.

Or do, who gives a sh*t. More coke for me!

Boobie b*mb!

[SNIFFS] Oh!

Yeah, baby!

THAD: Booze room.

Every kind of booze ever?

Yep, just pull a tap.

Woo!

My ass is getting pounded tonight!

Hammered. Your ass is getting hammered.

Tomato, potato, bro beans.

Is the champagne from France?

Nope. California.

Good. Everything good comes from America.

France can suck my balls!

[CHEERING]

And here we have...

Mojito hot tub!

[WATER BUBBLING]

Well?

It's perfect, Moran!

Horny? Grab a sloot!

Thirsty? Grab a mojito!

I'm, I'm good thanks.

You haven't even seen the best part yet!

I wanna see.

- Do you wanna see the best part?
- Yeah.

Let's go see the best part.

I can't believe I drew this.

I'm a frigging genius!

And your most genius invention
is coming, my humble friend.

[BEEP]

In Thadland,

it always snows cocaine.

So? Thad?

ALEX: What do you have to say?

What do I have to say?

f*ck you Walt Disney,

you unimaginative piece of sh*t!

This is Thadland!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Thad, going to a butcher,

ask your friends for opinions.

Like which of those sloots I'd bang?

That's it guys, get him
the hell out of here.

REPORTER: Goat fans have spoken.

They want Marty Daniels
out. And in other news...

Forget them.

You guys are gonna be fine this year.

Plus, you're not that old.

I lost my virginity the day Kennedy d*ed.

One more, please.

Coming right up.

I think you're amazing.

I mean, with everything
that you've been through,

the lawsuits,

and losing Thad Castle and
Craig Shilo and Radon Randell

and still winning.

We should be building your statue,

not bitching about your age.

Would you like to take
a ride on my motorcycle?

Ahhh. Mmm.

Mmm.

COACH DANIELS: Oh, f*ck me!

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Alex!

Hey! What's up?

- Alex, so good to see you.
- You too.

This party is bonkers!

I just did a half hour in
the bath-salt bubble room.

I bit like seven people!

Working it!

Congrats! Hey, come with me,

I wanna show you around!

Okay. Oh, I wanna show you my nipples.

ALEX: Oh, okay.

Coming.

Locked and loaded, Sir.

THAD: Oh, sweet.

Hey, everybody!

Open your mouths!

Free dr*gs!

Ahhh! My face! Oh, God damn it. My face!

That's why we have medics!

Go see a medic!

SAMMY: Help.

Cocaine!

[SNORTS]

Hey, welcome back.

Coach?

[LAUGHS]

I just wanted to stop by and
congratulate you on everything.

And we're really proud of you.

Oh, yeah!

What happened to you?

Oh, I hit a pothole.

I was riding my motorcycle.

And, everything's fine, I'm
okay, everything's great.

Yeah! Yeah! Me too!

Never been better!

We should hangout sometime.

Definitely. We definitely gotta do that.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

- Don't go. Don't go.
- I miss you.

- What?
- Huh?

Oh, no. I thought I...

- No. No. No. No. Hey uh...
- Oh, wait...

I... No, I thought you were
gonna say something else.

No, no, no. Hey, have fun.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Keep training, you look good.

Oh, yeah. You look great too, coach.

Very handsome.

Hey, Thad. Hey, man. Hey, uh...

Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad,

we've got, we've got
bit of a situation, dude.

Hit me!

What the hell was that?

You said, "Hit me."

- What the... What?
- I'm sorry.

Okay, look, I don't know
what was going on here,

but we're running out of dr*gs.

The party's running out of dr*gs, man.

- How the hell did that happen?
- I don't know. I don't know.

THAD: Free dr*gs!

It makes no sense to me, man.

Because thousands of people are here, okay?

I mean, half the cocaine was
reserved for the carnivals.

But, I mean, that was reserved.

It's called the reserve for a reason.

We need that for the carnival snow.

Sorry, I'm talking so fast.
I'm just really freaking out,

we need that cocaine.

Well, go get Alex to get
more dr*gs and fix it! God!

Hey, I already bought all the
dr*gs east of the Mississippi,

there's no more dr*gs to buy.

That's not true.

- We've got dr*gs.
- Who are you?

What? I'm...

I'm the...

I...

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. What
maters is, you need dr*gs,

Harmon and I have some.

Real premium sh*t too.

- Amazing.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I don't think that's a good idea.

[TOGETHER] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[TOGETHER] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[TOGETHER] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[TOGETHER] No, no, no,
no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You idiots go get free dr*gs,

you'll be my best friends for life.

- Well sorry, I can't.
- No, no, no. You know what? Done!

- SAMMY: Consider it done. Yeah, yeah we got this.
- HARMON: No, I'm not.

Thank you so much, we'll get this buddy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I trust this guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too, me too, me too.

I told you it's a bad idea, man.

How much more of this sh*t
do we have to put up with?

What sh*t?

The titty-whapping, the groping.

I mean, sure, it's paying for my doctorate

in applied physics, but I don't
know if I can keep doing this.

You're in this for the money?

You gold digging bitch!

I love Thad.

I love him!

[LAUGHING] I wouldn't
drink that if I were you.

Why not silly bear? It's free booze.

I can think of a reason.

- Whoops!
- Whoa, there it is! I know. [LAUGHS]

- Whoa, there it is!
- I've got your wiener.

- I know.
- Alex! Hi.

Hi. I just saw a woman deep throat a 40.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm, a full 40. You should go find her.

I am going to go find her and Sammy.

Have you seen Sammy?

No, he's not in the tub.

This is true. I'm gonna go find Sammy.

Bye. Bye.

- Don't touch that.
- Why not?

Oh, this is awesome! How long
has this been down here for?

Built it my freshman year.

It's nothing compared to my
cousin Dennis' set up back home.

Holy sh*t, what is this,
like steel or something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't touch that.

Don't breath on it, don't even look at it.

My cousin Dennis blew up his trailer

just by sneezing on a t*nk.

Oh, man, that means it
must be powerful. Yes!

Thad is gonna love this then
he's gonna remember my name!

Oh, yes!

Hey look at me. This
isn't a typical drug, okay.

It's highly unstable.

Yeah, well, I'm highly
unstable too, my friend.

That's why I brought Billy.

I figure, you know,

test it on him first,

see if he can handle it.

Animal testing, Sammy?

Once again, not a good idea.

You know what? It's fine.

Billy's a little f*cking assh*le.

So whatever happens to him, happens to him.

[INHALES]

[BLOWS OUT]

Oh, yeah. Look at his eyes.

Oh, he's loving this.

You like that, Billy?

Huh? "Oh, no. I can't handle my dr*gs."

"I can't handle my dr*gs."

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There you go. Get your balloons here!

Hey, man, I really think we should have

gone with a lower dose.

Dude, relax, okay? Billy's fine.

We're all good. Oh, sh*t, there's Thad.

Thad, Thad, Thad, Thad. Listen.

Uh, here's the drug I
was telling you about.

- This?
- Yeah, yeah.

Just suck on it, you'll love it.

This better be good.

Oh, it will be.

I'll devour your soul!

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

It's perfect.

d*ck Dawg, write this guy a check.

Oh. No, no, no need for payment.

I, uh... All I need from you is, uh...

Fiendship. Just, you know,

remember what my name and stuff.

How about a hot sloot instead?

Well, that'll work. Yeah. It's good.

Tina!

Tina. Hey.

Tina, this is...

Sammy.

And, uh...

- Sammy.
- This is Tina.

Uh, Tina, would you mind showing, uh...

Sammy.

Upstairs and showing him a good time?

Okay.

- Thank you so much. Thank you. Ahhh!
- Let's go!

Ahhh! Thank you so much, Thad!

- I really appreciate.
- Thank you, Tina! You're the best!

Oh, lets go look at the pretty white pony

with the golden horn.

Let's do that, huh?

- Want one?
- No, thanks.

Hey, don't worry about her,
okay? It's just a thing.

Just a thing? I invited her tonight

to specifically turn her into a d*ke.

And he can't keep his hands off her.

Dude, come on. You're not
mad at him, you're mad at her.

She's taking Alex away from you.

This so reminds me of my dad.

Um.

He loved horses.

Oh, okay.

I don't know what you think is going on

between me and Alex, but I like p*ssy.

No, no. I love p*ssy.

Yeah, I love p*ssy!

- GUY: Woo-hoo!
- Woo!

Yeah, but before that you didn't.

And you were into Alex.

And you know what,

I don't think you're gay.

You're college gay.

Which is totally different.

You're just k*lling time with women.

Okay, now I am offended. Yeah.

You are offending me right now.

What makes you think you know
the first thing about my gayness?

Well. I'm gay.

What?

- Since when?
- Since forever.

I just never say anything about it

because no one ever asks. But yeah...

I'm gay.

- No way.
- Awesome.

Thad. Thad, it's not a big deal, okay?

It's a personal thing
and I'd really appreciate

if we could keep it that way.

Donnie, absolutely.

- Totally agree.
- Thank you.

Hey, Everybody!

Donnie's gay!

[CHEERING]

Hey. Seriously, man. Congratulations, dude.

You're gonna get so much d*ck.

Hey, Harmon. Donnie's a gay guy!

I know that.

Again, Thad, it's never been a big deal.

Let's keep it that way. Okay?

How's this for not a big deal?

I'm gonna buy you a car, you brave bastard.

d*ck Dawg, write this gay guy a check!

f*ck yeah!

It's for the whole gay thing, man.

Congrats.

I'm gonna shove so many things up your ass.

Let me put it to you this way,

you can drive a f*cking Cadillac up there,

just as long as I get to
have sex with you after.

Wow. Um...

There's the pool stick
downstairs, I could try it.

Uh, yeah. That sounds great.

Why don't you give me
another hit and then run that

cute little butt of yours downstairs
and grab it. Okay? [SNIFFS]

Okay.

Mmm.

I'll be right back.

Oh, yes. Go!

Tina, I love you.

HARMON: Sammy, we're
gonna need more balloons.

You're right, people are going nuts for...

[WHISPERS] Billy!

[SOFT GROWLING]

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Thad, thank you so much
for this opportunity.

Leave the lot to me.

Thank you so much.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Tina!

Tina, is that you?

Okay, well, I hear walking,

I wanna hear some running, okay?

Get over here, Tina.

Whoa.

Uh, all right.

All right.

Oh! Wow! Wow!

That felt very nice.

You are a dirty girl, Tina. Dirty girl.

[BED CREAKING]

[YELLING WITH PLEASURE]

Oh, go easy...

Go easy...

Easy...

Nice and slow.

All right, finish it up so I
can have sex with you, okay?

Sammy! I'm ready if you are!

[SCREAMING]

- Tina!
- [BLEATING]

[SCREAMING]

Billy! Bad Billy!

- [GOAT BLEATING]
- That's a bad goat.

Bad goat, Billy!

Bad goat, Billy! Bad goat!

- [MUSIC PLAYING]
- [TINA SCREAMING]

Hey, everybody! Listen up.

I have a very important
announcement to make.

[FEEDBACK ON MICROPHONE]

Donnie Schrab is gay!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Not a big deal everybody.

So you know,

I don't know, buy him a drink...

Or if you're a guy, suck
his d*ck or whatever.

But it's great.

- Let's party!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, are you feeling a little
overshadowed by all this?

I mean, a cheerleader comes out as gay

and no one bats an eye.

But when a football player does,

suddenly he's the hero?

Mary Jo, wait!

Do you have any blueberry waffles

because I'm super-duper
starving right now.

Is that a yes?

Mary Jo! Ah...

[BEEEPING]

Oh, sh*t. The auction!

Where did he...

- Thad!
- HARMON: Billy!

Billy!

Oh, hey, Sammy, Sammy.

- Have you seen Billy?
- Nope. I have not seen Billy.

And those balloons, not good.

Yeah I told you that. You okay?

Me? Totally fine.

Never been better, never been better.

There we go. Oh, there we go.

[SPRAYING]

[COUGHING]

Officer. We're going
to shut this party down.

I'm sorry, Dean, mate. I can't let you in.

Thad Castle and Alex Moran
made a very significant donation

to our benevolent fund.

They specifically asked that
we not let you into the house.

Fine! They want to play like that?

We sell this house

right here, right now!

Auctioneer, bidders, right now.

ALEX: Thad!

Thad!

Thad!

[CHEERING]

THAD: Round and round he goes!

Where he stops nobody knows!

Okay, Barbara, you have
to take a Jell-O sh*t

and make out with Jeanine for five seconds.

Okay.

THAD: Oh, my god!

- Oh, my God!
- ALEX: Thad!

Okay. Thad, it's midnight, okay?

The auction is happening right now.

- We need to go.
- Uh...

We're playing spin the Thad-dle,

- page twenty-one of the book.
- I know what it is!

I'm the one who set it up for you,

- like I said I would.
- Okay, great!

So you know how important this is to me.

Spin me!

THAD: Yay!

ALEX: Thad, saving the Goat House

- is the whole reason I agreed to throw this party
- Oh, my gosh!

- in the first place.
- I can't take this anymore.

We don't have time for this, Moran!

Debbie, do a line of coke
off Nancy's knockers and...

- Spin me!
- ALEX: No, no, no.

ALEX: Don't spin, don't spin.

Yay!

Never stop spinning me!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.

We're putting up for auction

this piece of real estate.

We'll start the bidding at $150,000.

Do I hear $150,000?

One-fifty right here.
Looking for 175, 175.

Do I hear 200? Do I hear two?

$200,000.

[LAUGHING]

Your reign here is over, Mr. Moran.

It's best to step away gracefully.

We have 240 right here. Looking for 250.



sh*t!

AUCTIONEER: 240,000 going twice...

THAD: Three million!

Son, the current bid is $240,000.

THAD: Oh...

Maybe you should make it three
and a half million dollars.

Okay, $3.5 million going once...

Four million dollars!

Thad, you don't have to outbid yourself.

- Five million dollars!
- Oh, my God.

AUCTIONEER: Fine, $5,000,000 going once,

$5,000,000 going twice.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, nice try.

I'd have to be a real idiot
to pay more than $5,000,000

for this piece of sh*t house.

- Sold for $5,000,000.
- [CROWD CHEERING]

To the oiled up man in
the white, furry slippers.

- Woo-hoo!
- DEAN OLIVARES: They cannot do that!

- They can't do this.
- He bid for it fair and square.

Oh, sorry, Deany.

This castle is very well protected.

Officer, would you escort the
Dean off of my property, please.

You don't know who you're
messing with, Moran.

- OFFICER: All right, let's go.
- I will bring the thunder!

And you, Daniels!

Daniels! I come for you next!

I know what really happened.

[YELLING]

You're a drunk!

All right. Everybody back inside.

- Let's party!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, my God!

I did it!

Oh! I finally got my Goat House back!

What did you just say?

Hmm?

Oh, thank you.

You really helped me out here, man.

I got my Goat House back.

Your house?

Yeah.

God...

This has never been about me, has it?

It's always been about you.

Alex Moran this. Alex Moran that.

Well, guess what, Moran,

newsflash.

Newsflash.

d*ck Dawg.

Escort this selfish jerk off my property.

- What?
- Then write yourself a check.

f*ck yeah!

Hey, Thad! You can't do this.

You can't kick me out of my own house.

It's not your house anymore, cock tease!

THAD: All right!

First one to bring me a mojito

wins a whap session in
the ham sandwich room!

[CHEERING]

- MAN: Hey, man, balloon?
- Thank you.

MARY JO: I invited you here,

you said yes, so why aren't we hanging out?

HOLLY: Wait, I'm confused.

Do you or do you not have blueberry waffles

because I'm starving.

- Hey!
- No.

- What?
- Get out of here.

- No.
- You're not invited into this conversation.

Okay. I think I get
why you're pissed at me,

but Holly is not gay.

And you can't turn her gay.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.

Did you know you can eat bark?

Whoa! Your tongue is bonkers.

[CHUCKLING] All right.

[HOLLY SIGHING]

All right.

ALEX: Okay. There it is.

Alex, your lips are sick.

Thank you.

Hmm?

[CLEARING THROAT]

Your tongue really is bonkers. [CHUCKLING]

Why didn't I remember...

[VOICE ECHOING] Why
didn't you remember what?

Holy shitballs.

Are you guys... [GASPING]

f*ck a duck.

Alex.

Hmm?

Why didn't we ever talk about it?

We hooked up, it was good and then...

I... I liked you.

But you said that you were gay.

I was a sophomore.

That's what sophomore girls do.

Freshman year we're drunk and slutty.

Sophomore year we experiment
with our sexuality.

Junior year we start caring about school,

and senior year anything goes.

It's called the college experience.

This is my last year of college.

And I can't...

I can't have a girlfriend.

And you shouldn't.

But if you do...

It should be me.

HOLLY: Oh, my God.

Are we all gonna do it?

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUMBLING]

[ALL MUMBLING]

What is going on here?

I think they're trying to f*ck.

[MUMBLING]

So... What's going on here?

I think these guys are trying to f*ck

and those guys are talking about it.

[MUMBLING]

Beer's inside?

[MUMBLING]

THAD: Houseboy!

Get your ass in here, houseboy!

Houseboy!

I need more olives for
my martini, god damn it!

Thad?

He can't hear you.

Why not?

You're looking at 15 years in the future.

[LAUGHING]

You're serious?

Fifteen years in the future

Thad is living in the Goat House?

Oh, no, he never left.

You know, uh, Thadland became Thad World

and, uh, he's been here ever since.

Houseboy!

And you're living with him?

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

I am long gone. Long gone.

I, uh, I d*ed at Thadland.

Fell off the ferris wheel jerking off.

- You d*ed?
- Houseboy!

Wait, then who's houseboy?

Sorry, bro-beans. I was
polishing your trophies.

Also, your car is washed,

your laundry's done,

and your chrome pocket p*ssy

is all buffed up and ready to go.

No way.

- Yeah. Yeah, and you're fat, too.
- What?

No, no, no. No way that is happening.

You made this happen. You should be pumped!

I mean, yes, you sacrificed
everything that was good in your life

along the way

but you got your Goat House

and you and Thad are happy living here.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What, what about, what about Mary Jo?

She, uh, she couldn't wait around.

[SNEEZING]

I'm real sorry I got in the way

of your sneeze there, boss.

That's bullshit.

No. You want to know what's bullshit?

Toilet duty in heaven.

Jesus says if I don't
clean the toilets by 6:00,

he's gonna give me a spanking.

Jesus spanks you?

Well, it's more like a tickling thing,

but either way I just don't like it.

See you around, pal.

THAD: Houseboy, my
hemorrhoid needs cleaning!

Wait, Sammy!

We got to fix this.

You're on your own.

I don't want to get spanked.

- Sammy!
- [ANGELS SINGING]

SAMMY: Coming, Jesus!

Sammy! Sammy!

[CROW CAWING]

What the f*ck?

[ECHOING] Sammy!

[ECHOING] Mary Jo?

Hey!

Hey! Yes!

Thank you so much for stopping.

Shilo?

Ooh! Alex Moran.

What the hell are you doing out here, man?

You look nuts.

It's a long story, man.

Where are we? I gotta get
back to the Goat House.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's where I'm going!

Hop in, man. To Thadland!

I can't believe you guys didn't invite me!

- Thadland?
- Mmm-hmm.

That was last night. It's over.

Oh, no, no, no.

I've been seeing the
commercials all weekend long.

- Commercials?
- Biggest, baddest party of all time.

They've got games and rides

and a contest for the best abs.

Now let me ask you.

Who's taking home that prize?

- Uh...
- Go ahead.

Touch it.

I'd rather not.

- No, no, no.
- No, I'm good.

They're just amazing abs.
They're not gonna bite you.

Wait, what day is it today?

It's Monday.

No f*cking way.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you like fun?

Do you like excitement?

Well, we... Well, then
come on down to Thadland!

We've got lots of
that kind of stuff!

Whoo!

I'm Thad Castle!

And whether it's
bouncing with sloots...

GIRL: Whoo-hoo!

Or sweet beach on a ferris wheel.

It even snows cocaine here!

Here's fun facts about Thadland.

It was created three days ago.

Our only currency is checks.

And we're open 23/7, nine
days a week, 385 days a year.

So round up your bro-beans

and come on down to the place
where the fun never ends!

f*ck you, Walt Disney!

This is Thadland!

[CHEERING]

SHILO: This is disgusting.

What happened to the party?

It's right here?

SHILO: Hey, ladies.

Check out these abs.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

This f*cking tastes so bad.

Sammy...

Alex!

Holy sh*t, man.

You know, people think
that you're f*cking dead.

I'm not dead. I'm right here.

What is going on here?

[MUMBLING] Thadland.

It's been going on for quite some time.

You know, these f*cking crazy guys,

are so much fun, it's amazing.

God, this is all my fault.

Yeah. Oh, sh*t, man.

Do you want some food? I feel weird.

- Do you want some?
- No, I...

Is that?

Yeah, things got a little
weird between Billy and I.

You know, uh, he bit me, so uh,

I'm biting him.

Jesus, Sammy.

This, this has to end. Where's Thad?

I haven't seen Thad in a little while.

But get this.

Just yesterday,

he almost remembered my name.

- Oh, good.
- He called me, "Biscuit."

Which, you know, to me is pretty close.

You know, cause it's like...

- Sam-my!
- I know, it's...

- Bis-cuit!
- It's not really that close at all.

If you think about it,

and you sound it out.

Biscuit's like tomato.

I'm gonna go find Thad. You just enjoy it.

Biscuit!

What the f*ck.

Donnie!

Donnie!

Hey! Radon, stop the ride!

It's just that,

all it would take is one of you
to show me respect as a coach

and not just your friend and
everyone else would be on board.

No. It's not like that,
dude. We respect you.

- Really?
- PLAYER: Hey, Coach Summers, f*ck you!

[LAUGHING]

- Not cool, man!
- THAD: Donnie!

I'm so glad I found you.

Yeah, Thad, what's with the bracelets?

You don't like them?

It's just I asked you not to
make a big deal out of this

and instead you manufactured
thousands of bracelets

and handed them out to everyone here.

You're welcome, bro-beans.

Hey, Thad. Congrats on all your success.

d*ck Dawg!

d*ck Dawg, get over here.

I got something you're gonna love. Watch.

Watch where you're stepping, dude.

Go ahead. Open it.

I think I can tell what it is, Thad.

Open it!

Open it!

Yeah. Yeah! [LAUGHING]

I bought you a guy.

I can see that.

Go ahead. Whap his d*ck around.

Whap, whap.

I'd rather not, Thad.

What's the matter, you don't like him?

No. I do, he, he's great.

He's already paid for. Whap him.

Look, I'll do it. Watch.

Whap. Whap, whap, whap.

Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap,

whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap,

whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap.

Whap it. I'll leave you two alone.

[WHISPERING] You're welcome, bro-beans.

- THAD: d*ck Dawg!
- Have fun, man.

Sorry about them.

- I'm Frank.
- I'm Donnie.

I'm gonna go.

DEAN: Coach Daniels!

So glad you could make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what the hell is this all about?

Just a friendly little gathering

where I reveal to the world the
kind of person you really are.

[MOUTHING] I'm sorry.

Like when they steal my hat

and then laugh at me, it hurts.

You know, I put on a brave
face, but I'm a real human being.

Human beings means people.

Exactly. And like...

Larry, I need you.

Alex, come play with me in the bath tub.

Maybe another time.

Larry, I need your help right now.

I need you to round up the whole
team and meet me out front, okay?

Very funny. Come on, man.

I'm serious, Larry.

Coach Summers. This party is over.

Round 'em up.

Don't do this, Moran.

We need you right now, coach.

Round up this team right now.

- Man, I...
- Round 'em up!

- No.
- Round 'em up, Coach Summers!

- Not you too.
- Round 'em up!

- Not you too.
- Round 'em up!

- [CRYING]
- Round 'em up!

Get out of there!

Get of there, Coach Summers! Yeah!

I'll see you out front.

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

Mountain goats... Round up!

Check out this guy.

He's been asleep for, like, two hours.

I can't wake him up.

Holly, where is Mary Jo?

- She's with Chad.
- Who?

Chad. You know, like Chadland?

Right over there.

THAD: [WHINNYING]

Giddy-up!

To the stables!

Holy sh*t!

Marco!

Marco!

I just want to say that in
spite of all the rumors,

I was not drunk when I
crashed my motorcycle.

And furthermore...

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

You know what?

That was a lie.

I was drunk.

In fact, I'm a little
drunk right now.

I was hammered

when I crashed my motorcycle,

and I was just about to have

an enchanted moment

with this girl,

who happens to be a
very wonderful person.

So, you can all go f*ck yourselves.

And go Goats.

Well, alrighty then.

Let's open it up for
questions, shall we?

Coach! Coach! Julia King from CAN.

What can you tell us about
your feelings on Thadland?

Have you been?

And can you comment on
Thad Castle's open bashing

of the late Walt Disney?

He's called him, and I quote,

"A short, anti-Semite...

"with less imagination in his whole

"Jew-hating body than I have
in the tip of my pee-hole."

He said "pee-hole?"

- He did.
- Well, you know,

I don't think any
of those allegations

were proven to be true.

So I don't want to comment on Mr...

[INDISCTINT SHOUTING]

What about the drug use at Thadland?

Why does Thad Castle hate the French?

DEAN: That's the question you idiots have?

Thadland?

Ask him about the drinking.

Ask him about the driving.

The accident with the little chick.

Ask him some of this stuff. What?

REPORTER: Coach!

Oh, yeah, this is great.

Can wear you all the way to...

Sammy!

Alex! Holy sh*t, what's up, buddy?

I really need your help.

I need you to sneak me
back into the Goat House.

Why?

Oh, my God, that's right,
'cause you're banished!

Hey, everybody, Alex is back!

Whoo! We gotta keep it down though.

We gotta keep it down.

But I can help you out. Follow me.

Follow me, pal.

You're not gonna believe this.

I f*cking, I ate basically the whole goat.

- Did you boil it?
- Oh, yeah.

Thad is pissed at you.

He's declared your name a swear word.

Actually it's pretty cool if you ask me.

ALEX: Why is that cool?

At least he knows your name.

Harmon, you got a visitor, buddy.

Alex, you're alive.

I thought you were dead or something.

I almost was, thanks to your balloons.

This drug affects different
people in different ways.

Me, I grew up on the stuff.

It was like formula to
me when I was a baby.

What is it?

Don't ask yourself a question

that you don't want the answer to.

Just go on back up to the
party and enjoy yourself.

Harmon. What is in your balloons?

It's sh*t.

It's not sh*t...

It's jenkum.

Okay, what the f*ck is jenkum?

- sh*t.
- It's not...

- He said sh*t again.
- sh*t.

It's poop fumes

and pee fumes.

It's very popular in the south.

See, what I've done here is

I've rerouted these sewer pipes

into this steel t*nk.

And then whenever anyone
uses the facilities,

it collects here where
it's allowed to ferment

at a very high temperature.

Then it's simply a matter
of filling these balloons

with the fermented fumes, et voila.

This stuff will knock
you straight on your ass.

Which is ironic considering

that's where it all
started in the first place.

- Please tell me you're kidding.
- No.

We've been down here for days

messing around with different temperatures,

more poop, less pee, more pee, less poop...

No, no, no.

This experiment ends right now.

I lost two days of my life to this sh*t!

And dignity. Stop huffing that!

Jesus Christ!

Shut it down, Harmon.

- No, no, no, what about Thad?
- Forget Thad!

This is my house.

And I'm your captain.

Now shut it down, Harmon.

Shut it down.

Consider it done, Captain.

Have you seen Thad?

Thad's upstairs.

THAD: Are you an assassin?

Thad?

You can't k*ll me.

I'm not killable.

I'm not here to k*ll you.

I'm here to tell you
that this party is over.

Guys, I have no time to explain.

You don't want to be
sucking on those balloons.

Trust me.

What balloons?

These balloons?

Please stop.

Thad, stop doing that.

Thad, stop!

Thank you.

Hey, hey.

Don't let him do that.

What do you care?

You got what you wanted.

The house is safe.

I do care, all right?

And I don't know if what happened

between us was real or not,

but I meant every word I said to you.

Then prove it.

THAD: Hey!

Enough!

This is about me! Not you a-holes!

Okay, let's talk about you.

How about we start with
what the hell is going on.

You were a number one

draft pick in the NFL.

Why aren't you at practice?

And what do you even want with my house?

Let's not do this again, Senor.

Officer, I carry in my possession

information which may interest you

and your tiny little benevolent fund.

I didn't catch any of that.

Look at the papers!

I need all available units

to Blue Mountain State
Campus. All available units.

There goes the department booze cruise.

Argh!

Thad, we were teammates for three years.

You've got to trust me. What is happening?

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I'm not the super smart Alan
Einstein that everyone thinks I am.

No. Don't say that.

If I told you the truth, you'd
think I was the biggest idiot.

Never.

I'm not going pro.

What?

Wait, I saw the draft, Thad.

We all saw the draft.

Now you're mad at me. I
knew you'd get mad at me.

- I'm not mad at you.
- Yes, you are.

The draft was real,

and the contract was real,

but then,

I bought a zoo...

And I was messing around
with that big animal

with the horn growing out of its face.

A rhinoceros?

Sure.

And the stupid thing stabbed
me with his stupid horn.

My coach found out

and they canceled my contract.

THAD: No, no, no, stop stop stop!

- What?
- [WHIMPERING]

How long have you known about this?

Since the day before you
and I met at that restaurant.

Wha...

So this, this book...

This, this, this dream, it was all a lie?

I drew that the night
before I gave it to you.

I imagined a party in my honor.

A place that was safe and warm

and I'd never ever ever ever leave.

[CRYING]

You m*therf*cker!

- [WHIMPERING]
- What the...

Holy sh*t!

Actually, that's a lie too.

I didn't draw those pictures.

I traced them.

[SOBBING]

[CONTINUES SOBBING]

[LAUGHING]

So you knew your contract was void?

How did you pay for all this?

Checks.

But they weren't real. I
just ordered them online.

You have no money?

Who else knows about this?

Just me and d*ck Dawg

and the Dean.

Olivares knows about
this? How does he know?

d*ck Dawg told him.

Why would he do that, Thad?

Because I told him to.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Are you gonna

help me? I'm in real deep sh*t.

I started my own sneaker
line, for Christ sake.

I made my own Hall of Fame jacket.

I can't face them.

I'd rather be dead.

Is that what this is all about?

This?

- This drawing.
- Tracing.

Tracing in your book.

It's you?

In heaven.

- No. No way.
- Yes.

- Absolutely not.
- Yes.

- No, I'm not doing it. No.
- Yes, you have to!

- I'm not doing it.
- That's the deal! You have to help me!

I bought you this house!

Technically you didn't!

- But goddammit!
- [WHIMPERS]

[SIRENS BLARING]

Shhh!

Thad?

[WHIMPERS] Yes.

- If I help you out of this...
- Yes?

All debts are paid. I owe you nothing.

Deal.

All right. sh*t!

I got a plan.

sh*t.

I'm gonna need d*ck Dawg.

sh*t! g*dd*mn it!

sh*t.

Ohhh!

Well!

- Jesus Christ!
- If it isn't the guy I don't remember.

Oh, God, why are you naked?

Wait, what's on your head?

Oh, I'm wearing the last guy
who tried to mess with me.

What the f*ck do you think you're

doing down here in my lab, pal?

None of your business, pal.

None of my f*cking business?

Well, down here...

This is f*cking Sammy's world, pal.

Who is Sammy?

It's me! I'm Sammy!

You listen to me, and
you listen to me good...

you touch another valve on
my f*cking jug right here,

you're f*cking going down, buddy.

- Oh, no, no. Wait wait. Is that?
- Yeah.

- Ok, um. You don't wanna?
- Don't you...

- You don't wanna...
- Eh, no...

- Oh, I shouldn't...
- Hey, I swear...

- If I were you...
- If I were to do that?

Oh, wow!

Whoo! I don't know if
that was such a good idea.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, God, I really don't
wanna fight you, okay, man?

[GRUNTING]

So, the plan...

- What do I do again?
- Oh, my God!

This is the police, open up!

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [g*n sh*t FIRED]

- Whoa! God!
- Whoa!

sh*ts fired!

Oh, God! Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Christ, you keep that thing loaded?

Why would I have an unloaded g*n?

Mama!

[sh*ts f*ring]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Oh, yeah!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Hey!

Oh, right in the eyes.
Look, we really don't

have time to fight right now.

Oh, okay, yeah, you don't
wanna f*cking fight this?

[GRUNTS]

Ugh!

Oh, gosh!

Ugh!

You're showing a tremendous
amount of heart right now.

I admire your tenacity, I really do.

But, every pipe in this
place is about to explode.

You need to just give
up already, all right?

Get outta here. Jesus!

Okay, okay. How's this
for a f*cking expl*si*n?

[STRUGGLING]

Get your d*ck off my back!

Get your back off my d*ck!

[STRUGGLING]

[STEAM WHISTLING]

[expl*si*n]

What the f*ck was that?

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh, what the f*ck, man! Holy sh*t!

Are you sure you wanna
go through with this?

It's the only way!

Make sure you tell people my story.

I don't think that'll be a problem!

Let's go!

Oh! Get off me.

What's happening?

Hey, you gotta get outta
here, man, right now.

I don't wanna die fighting
a naked guy. Come on!

Truce!

All right, truce. Hey, you
fight like a g*dd*mn champion.

Oh, sh**t, look at that. sh*t!

What?

Get back!

[GROANING]

Holy sh*t.

The lab.

The beer.

Alex, your house.

It was just a house.

I did it! I did it! I win! I am the coach!

The house is gone! [LAUGHING]

It's okay, captain. I got this one.

Dean Olivares, you need
some air. Here. Deep breaths.

[COUGHS]

Got it? Everything?

Julia King?

Thank you, good man.

My pleasure. Good day to you, Sir.

Hello, there. Hi.

Could you tell us about
what happened here today?

I...

[CHOKES]

[DEAN MUMBLING]

Baby and baby...

Hey, baby. Hey, baby.

Hey, Wait. Where's Thad?

[CLEARS THROAT]

He, uh, he didn't make it.

So sad!

At least he went out the way he wanted to.

Partying like a mother fucker,

ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Blaze of glory.

The man was a hero.

He was a legend.

To Thad!

ALL: To Thad!

[YELLING] Then why can't I taste any?

You telling me there's lime in this,

I can't taste a g*dd*mn ounce of it!

Now get back there!

You go back there and
you tell that bartender,

I need lime in all my mojitos!

Go! Run!

Oh, wait. Wait, never mind!

I can taste the lime now!

It was hidden under all the mint!

Come back, I can taste it!

Sammy!

Sammy, wake up. Come
on, man. Come back to me.

Sammy, come on, buddy. Wake up!

d*ck Dawg?

It's me, pal. Yeah, you're gonna be okay.

Were you saying my name before?

What? No. No. Nope.

You did. You said Sammy.

Whatever you say, Chief.

No. Sammy.

- You said Sammy.
- You're okay, sport. All right?

Just lay back down, bucko.

- Say Sammy. Say Sammy.
- Shh!

[CRYING] You said Sammy.
I f*cking heard you.

You're gonna be okay, Tiger.

Sammy!

- Sammy.
- I'm not actually saying it.

- You said Sammy!
- That's just you moving my lips.

d*ck Dawg, say it, you
f*cking piece of sh*t.

You inhaled a little too much sh*t fumes.

You f*cking assh*le!