01x04 - Mis-Interpretation

[bunniefuu]

Can you smell these for me?

A customer said they were off.

I'd be honoured.

[SNIFFS DEEPLY]

[EXHALES]

Oh, yeah, these are rancid.

Huh.

I'll take them off your bill!

Thank you for lending me your nose.

I'll stick my nose in

your rancid anything

anytime you want.

What?

EDDIE: Excuse me!

I'm looking for the most

beautiful girl in the world!

Here she is!

Can I steal you for a second, mon cheri?

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Hey, DeeJ.

- Eddie.

- GWEN: You didn't have to

- EDDIE: I know!

GWEN: Woo! [GIGGLES]

[RETCHES]

Oh, Jesus.

You okay?

Of course. Why wouldn't I be okay?

I dunno. I noticed Eddie

whisk Gwen away with those flowers

then I noticed that single

tear rolling down your cheek.

I just ate a rancid wing.

That's a salmonella tear.

My bad.

Looked like a Gwen tear to me.

A Gwen tear? Gwen's just a friend.

And as a friend,

I'm happy she's with Eddie.

- EDDIE: Gwen Gillian Ganatra?

- GWEN: Mm-hm?

EDDIE: You know that you're

the light to my dark,

and you're the beef to my Stroganoff.

You are the A$AP Rocky to my Rihanna.

Oh my God!

Wait, so he's Riri?

Will you make me the

happiest man in the world?

Will you marry me?

- Yes!

- [YELLS EXCITEDLY]

- EDDIE: She said yes!

- [PEOPLE CHEERING]

Another salmonella tear?

Uh

No, that's that's a Gwen tear.

JOSH: It's gonna be alright, big guy.

♪

♪

KEERAN: Hey, Wayne.

I'm going on my break now.

Uh-uh, I was gonna go on my break now.

But I will rock, paper,

scissors you for it, if we must.

I thought this was your break.

No, this is my pre-break,

wherein I eat 25 cheese singles

in preparation for the

break I'm gonna need

once these singles hit my system.

And once the tryptophan kicks

in I go on my post-break.

I thought tryptophan was only in Turkey.

It's in everything, dude!

Open your eyes!

Fine, I'll rock, paper,

scissors you for it.

Okay, on "sh**t," yeah?

- Rock, paper

- [SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪

WAYNE: sh**t.

Ooh, sucks, buddy, but

don't ask for 2 out of 3, 'cause I

I won't, you win. Bye, Wayne.

Hello, I'm Keeran.

I'm single and I'm totally

available to help you.

Hello.

Our family has just moved here from Iraq

and we want to have our

first Canadian experience

ice skating!

Ah, like a Tim Horton's

commercial come to life.

DAD: Yes! Anyway, you have skates?

Of course. I'd be happy to help you

with any and all of your Canadian needs.

Right this way.

It's simple.

One skate sharpen, one punch.

Two skate sharpens, two punches.

Ten skate sharpens?

- Ten punches.

- Incorrect!

Don't worry,

made the same mistake my first day.

Classic Cynthia gotcha.

Gotcha!

It's one free sharpening.

I love how old school it is.

Well, actually,

I have been dying to

just take this online,

but DJ says that you can't

automate loyalty, so

here we are.

There's actually some truth to that.

No, actually, there's Visa, Ikea,

Subway, Starbucks, Uber Eats

How do you like working for him?

- With him.

- Oh, my bad.

I just thought you

were assistant manager.

I might be the "assistant manager,"

but it's pretty 50-50 around here.

I do the accounting,

payroll, purchase orders

What does he do?

He is the good vibes guy.

Hmm!

Morning, DJ.

If you say so

- [PHONE RINGS]

- So you do everything?

You said it, not me.

- Should I

- Oof!

- Uh

- Uh

OMT, please call back at a less

mortifying time, thank you!

Oh, Chris, I am so sorry.

It it was nothing.

No, it is your first day.

I am kissing your lips?

Like some kind of a a brazen hussy?

Oh, well

Oh, this is something, alright!

I'm gonna have to file

an incident report

with HR immediately.

- Who's HR?

- I am.

Oh.

Well, then maybe you can let

yourself off with a warning?

It was an innocent mistake.

Oh, that was far too memorable

to just be innocent.

- But why was it mem

- Ah, hush-hush-hush!

I appreciate what you're

trying to do for us, Chris,

but the cover-up is

worse than the crime.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. Your ball's getting away.

It's a metaphor, dude.

The ball is Gwen.

Bring it in.

Oh, honestly, no,

you don't have to do this, buddy.

I'm okay.

No, I really do.

You're a shell of a man.

Okay, easy, I'm not

No, I'm feeling your traps, bro,

and it is knot city back here.

But don't worry

All that's gonna go away

because I set you up with a lunch date.

- A lunch date?

- Mm-hm.

Oh, that's really nice,

but I'm not gonna be able to make it.

- What? Why not?

- [WINCING]

'Cause I'm in mourning, dude!

Hey, I know it hurts,

but Gwen's getting married now

and you guys were never together!

That is true.

- [JOINTS CRACKING]

- Oof!

Plus, everyone knows,

if you wanna get over somebody,

you gotta bone someone

else on your lunch break.

That is true.

[GRUNTS] 'Atta boy!

See ya at lunch.

Wait you're not

gonna do my lower back?

Hey. Boundaries, man.

[QUIETLY] Wayne? Wayne? Wayne!

I'm in love.

[QUIETLY] Yeah, egregiously so.

You know, it's very un-profesh

to flirt with the customers,

my coquettish friend.

It's not un-profesh when it's a story

we're gonna tell our kids!

Oh, you naïve, ambulatory boner.

Do you actually think

her parents are gonna let

their daughter date someone

outside their culture?

That is so r*cist!

Is it r*cist, or is it reality?

Or is it both?

Chew on that.

KEERAN: Oh, hey. Uh, ready to cash out?

DAD: Uh, thank you for your help.

KEERAN: Truly my pleasure.

Now, I don't wanna impose,

but I'm about to go on my lunch break.

How would you guys feel

about having a conceived,

born, and bred Canadian

take you skating?

[DISCUSSING IN ARABIC]

That sounds very nice.

WAYNE: Hey, remember, just be yourself,

and be back before my post-break.

How would you like to pay?

- What's up, buddy?

- Yo, what's up, homie?

Oh, she's right over there.

♪

sh*t!

Hey, you must be

Uh, actually,

I don't even know your name.

I'm DJ.

You're deaf?

And you don't talk?

I don't know sign.

I know, uh, "thank you."

"Nice to meet you"?

"Spicy"?

Hmm.

Gimme one second, okay, please?

Just sit?

Just stay?

[TO HIMSELF] "Stay"?

Stupid

JOSH: So, what do you think?

Did you just set us up

'cause she's deaf?

What, no!

Dude, I did it 'cause she's hot!

- She's striking!

- Mm-hm!

I mean

But I can't communicate with her.

- I don't even know her name.

- Oh, it's Marie.

Yeah, she's here for some

work conference thing,

but her colleagues

told me she's a blast.

I just don't see any way

this is gonna work out.

Hey, 8th grade, you were stuck

in the bathroom for 24 hours.

What'd you do to survive?

Look me in the eyes.

Tell me what you did!

- I drank the toilet water.

- That's right!

And then what'd you do after

all the water in all the bowls

was gone 'cause you drank it all?

- I drank my own urine

- Yes!

You figured out a way.

Yeah, why don't you just

write to her on your phone?

You can't automate romance, Josh.

Yeah, you can: Tinder,

Binge, Bumble, Grindr,

- Uber Eats

- I got an idea!

Thanks for doing this, Jen. Huge help.

I welcome the opportunity

to flex my sign muscles.

My teacher says I'm

improving at an Olympic rate.

DJ: Well, let's work your magic

and get you on the podium!

Hello, Marie.

I'm Jen.

I'm an athlete

obviously. [CHUCKLES]

I started in the sport of javelin

after a freak accident

- involving my leg bone

- Hey, Jen, Jen.

going all the way through my shin

- Can we just talk?

- Oh, she's replying.

JEN: You're never gonna believe this,

but

I think Marie is signing in French.

You're French?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

BOTH: Huh!

Behold our home and native ice rink!

- DAD: It's beautiful!

- KEERAN: It sure is.

Did you know that

Canada's oldest ice rink

dates back to 1897?

Which I know is a mere tadpole

compared to the age of Mesopotamia.

I did not know that history!

Many more timbits where that came from!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Come on, let's go.

Phew!

So, can you understand

any French sign at all?

- I mean, sign is sign, right?

- No.

Respectfully, DJ, sign isn't sign.

I know American sign language, ASL.

Marie knows French sign language, LSF.

But

How do you not know there

are different sign languages?

I mean, it's vaguely familiar,

but I wear hearing aids.

I grew up in a hearing family.

I'm not "capital d" deaf, you know?

Well, looks like you're

capital sh*t outta luck.

Someone else just swooped in.

You know what? I'm happy for her.

He looks like a nice guy.

Oh, wait, they're signing!

I think it's just a colleague of hers.

Maybe he can interpret!

Oh! You're up, buddy.

Okay

Oh, Chris! Good, you're here.

HR policy states that

we just have to watch

this sexual harassment

training module together,

and then, presto, boom, kazaam!

This mess is behind us,

and nobody has to tell their husbands.

I wasn't gonna tell anyone.

Show time!

VIDEO: So, you've crossed

a line in the workplace.

I'm here to change that.

- Okay, this is perfect.

- Is it?

VIDEO: Let's start with language

that is not okay in the 21st century.

Blackmail, lame, spirit animal,

cray-cray, tone-deaf

CYNTHIA: "Cray-cray" is out?

Wow, my first interpreter centipede!

Hell, yeah!

Can't wait to eat up what they dish out,

and then I'll dish it out

for you to eat up.

Alright! [CLEARS THROAT]

Hello. I'm Jen.

I'm an athlete

obviously. [CHUCKLES]

Um, I started in the sport

DJ: Jen, I appreciate you,

but for the love of God, come on.

You gotta be kidding me.

DJ: What's he saying?

JEN: You're never gonna believe this,

but

I think he's interpreting

from LSF to BSL.

- What's BSL?

- British sign language!

Well, what's the problem, then?

That's like an accent thing, right?

No big deal? Good day!

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] No, DJ.

BSL is a whole other language entirely.

It might as well be GSL.

- What's that?

- Greek.

This is unbelievable.

Well can you at least get a read

on whether she likes me or not?

Yeah, no, I cannot.

Okay, the important thing

to remember when skating

is to put one skate

in front of the other.

- DAD: Okay.

- KEERAN: Like this!

DAD: Oh, like this?

MOM: Oh!

Yeah, it's a lot like

the Iraqi dance, uh, uh

- Chobi!

- Oh! Yeah?

Only on ice and with blades, of course.

RANA: Oh, you know the Chobi?

Yeah, big fan! Come on, guys.

Let's go.

I gotta be honest, Jen.

It feels like the universe

doesn't want me and Marie

to be together.

I think I'm gonna throw in the towel.

Hey! What are you, a quitter?

She hasn't left yet,

which means maybe, just maybe,

she is actually into you.

That's true

Huh!

Plus, aren't you always the

one saying never give up?

I'm touched that my inspirational words

spoke to you enough for you

to speak them back to me,

but I still don't see how

we're gonna make this work.

[SIGHS]

So, this is my sign teacher,

who knows ASL and a little BSL.

Hello, hi.

Thank you so much for

coming on your lunch break.

She says "No problem!"

Alright, let's do this!

Phew! Okay.

So, Marie, do you come here often?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Ah.

No.

Huh.

Cool.

You know Wayne Gretzky,

our country's, uh

Younis Mahmoud,

started skating at age two?

His skates are in the

hockey hall of fame,

which I'd skip school to show you.

It's a real must-see.

[LAUGHING]

Whoa!

You guys are real naturals!

Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming.

This is a beavertail pastry,

named after the beaver

and her mighty tail.

It's like our kleicha.

Now, I've never tried

Iraq's unofficial cookie,

but I've been meaning to.

We'd be happy to make you some!

[LAUGHS] You better not be lying!

So, uh what kind of doctor are you?

A podiatrist.

Podiatrist?

That's very impressive.

JEN: Whew!

This is really painful, right?

Yeah, it's not not painful.

- These one-word answers are

- Are a nightmare?

What are you,

an awkward Amish teen on Rumspringa?

You gotta ask her some

open-ended questions!

Oh. I got a good one.

- Alright.

- Oh, yeah.

Here it comes.

Marie, who would you say,

in your opinion,

is a better doctor,

Dr. Scholl or Dr. Ho?

- And why?

- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

That was your good one?

Well, she's a doctor. I thought

No? No good?

It's not great.

DJ: What's she saying?

JEN: I dunno,

but she doesn't look thrilled.

DJ: Yeah, that I got

Uh Marie's upset

you called her a "ho."

Ho?!

No, no, no, no, no!

I didn't call her a ho.

Yeah, not according to her.

Not a Dr. Ho!

Tell her! Dr. ho!

[LAUGHS]

- [SLAMS TABLE]

- I think I made it worse!

DJ: Oh my God,

you definitely made it worse!

What are you signing?!

I don't know! I'm new at this!

A lot of these signs are going

- way over my head!

- I thought your teacher said you're progressing

- at an olympic rate!

- Well, I lied, okay?

- I lied!

- Why'd you lie?

Because I have a deep

desire to be the best.

DJ: Oh my God,

this is a visual cacophony!

JEN: Why would you ask her about Dr. Ho?

I don't know, okay? I fell asleep

watching an infomercial last night!

JEN: Uh no slut!

No slut!

VIDEO: Slut, strumpet,

street-walker, tart, whore.

- [GAVEL BANGS]

- VIDEO: It's illegal!

Oh, dear God!

What have we done?!

What happened?

We slept together, that's what happened!

And I liked it

[LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY]

I cannot emphasize this enough:

It's nothing.

Nothing?! This is not nothing, okay?

Oh, jeez, the last time I got caught up

in something like this,

I almost got three fingers cut off!

- By DJ?

- In Caracas, by the jefe's wife.

I gotta report this to HR immediately!

Oh, man!

Oh my God, I humped your chair!

Oh!

[TO HERSELF] So you're a predator now,

ugh!

JEN: Hey.

Sorry that didn't end in true love.

Who are you signing for?

Oh, my bad.

I think I finally found my groove.

Nice.

It's all good.

It was a fool's errand, anyway.

You can't bring a tongue

to a finger fight.

Well, I'm gay. We bring both.

Touché.

- [SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

- DJ: Marie?

Hey I'm really sorry.

Listen, I didn't

Not "listen." sh*t.

I was just, uh, looking for a

way to communicate with you,

and I I'm sorry I I screwed it up.

And you're not

No?

One second.

Uh

Peace offering?

I think you're

[SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪

Spicy!

[SAXOPHONE MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪

♪

Hey, Chris.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Got a minute?

Uh, I was just trying to clean this up.

You know, do my job.

Great initiative.

Take a break.

I filed that second

incident report with HR.

Oh. What was the verdict?

Policy dictates we now take a three-day

sexual harassment seminar

in Niagara Falls! Ha!

The romantic capital of North America?

That sounds really unnecessary

and kind of expensive.

Don't fret about cost.

I mean, HR is willing to use up

all the points that I set aside

for a trip to Milan with my husband

so that we could save our careers.

- Cynthia?

- Yeah?

Both of these incidents were nothing.

I think you're blowing

this out of proportion.

You you really believe that?

I do.

Can we please let this go?

It's my first day at work

and I would love

to just move on.

[SIGH OF RELIEF] Huh!

Uh, maybe I did just get

a little carried away

just trying to do the right thing.

Well you meant well.

So, shall we reset and

never speak of this again?

Never speak of what again?

Ha-ha!

Yeah!

Oh!

Oof!

Is this also nothing?

Um

This feels like something.

If anybody wants me,

I am in Niagara Falls!

DAD: Thank you very much, Keeran.

This was a great experience.

My pleasure, Fam.

Anytime you want a free skate,

you know who to call!

[LAUGHING]

KEERAN: Uh, hey, Rana,

can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, sure.

What's up?

Um, as salaam alaikum.

I was just wondering if, uh,

you wanna dine out sometime on me,

or if you wanted to stay inside,

uh, maybe I could make you some,

uh, quzi or maqluba,

or, uh, some baytinijan?

- No.

- No?!

I can't.

But thanks for hanging with my parents.

They loved it.

KEERAN: Oh my God.

Wayne was right.

[SIGHS]

Look, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hassan,

I know our cultures are very,

very different,

but I'm in love with your daughter.

I'll do anything for her.

I'll protect her. I'll honour her.

I'll even convert to Islam for her.

[SCOFFS] We are atheists.

This has nothing to do with our culture.

Oh So, what's the problem?

DAD: The problem? Ha! How do you say?

She's a 10 and you're a

- 6.

- That's it.

Also, it seems like she's not, um

How do you say, um?

- On the market.

- Yes.

Very good.

[GASPS]

[SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

That was

incroyable!

Can I see you again?

JEN: Phew

DJ: Jen You sure this is cool?

I mean, this feels a little wrong.

Hey, if accessibility is wrong,

we don't wanna be right.

♪

♪

♪

♪

She says she doesn't do long-distance.

What?

You sure that's what she said?

Positive.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

♪

♪

[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪

♪

[SAXOPHONE SOLO CONTINUES]

DJ: I know you can't hear it,

but this guitar solo is tremendous.

[SAXOPHONE SOLO CONTINUES]