01x05 - Brittle by Brittle

[bunniefuu]

g*dd*mn!

You made this?

I know what you're thinking:

You didn't know people under 85

were allowed to make brittle.

- Are they?

- They just legalized it.

Well, I'm glad it's no

longer an ageist art form,

although I do fear you

young punks will ruin it.

Is it tough making brittle

without your sense of smell?

Not really,

but it did get in the way of me

becoming a truffle pig.

Well,

you're an unbelievable brittlist

brittler brittelier?

I prefer "boss-ass brittle bitch."

Okay.

But people can call me whatever

they want as long as I sell out.

These wedding bills are piling up.

Well, I'll be sure to

send the staff over to buy

some of this boss-ass brittle, bitch!

What'd you just say?

I just said it 'cause you said it.

- I would never

- Just kidding! [LAUGHS]

Hey, I've actually

been meaning to ask you,

do you have any skis in stock?

Not this time of year,

but we should be getting some

in the next couple weeks,

so I'll keep my ear to the ground.

Mind keeping an eye

to the ground instead?

Might yield better results.

The f*ck you just say?

- I'm just kidding!

- [LAUGHS]

And hey,

the only way to fail is to quit,

so don't give up on those

truffle pig dreams, okay?

[SNORTS]

Can't forget my boss-ass brittle

- Not gonna say it.

- [LAUGHS]

CHRIS: 97

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

- 98

Yup! 99

Damn 100!

Oh!

You're gonna crush those Olympics!

From your lips to my right arm's ears.

Whoa, that was pretty dope.

I would say it was prodigious.

Is that so?

It means impressively great

in extent, size, or degree.

- Yeah, I knew that.

- I don't believe you did.

What an arrogant ass.

Even when he says hello,

it sounds like an insult.

That's a gift.

Sorry, man, no can do.

We don't really unload

garages full of random sh*t.

DJ: Uh, just gimme a second.

Hey, whoa

Hey, Jimmy, you there?

Sorry, let me just switch

my hearing aids over.

Okay. Hey, sorry about that trainee.

Did I hear you say that, uh,

you're unloading your garage?

You happen to have any skis in there?

Amazing. Lemme just grab your address.

Okay, I will swing by ASAP.

No, thank you!

Alright, see ya, Jimbo.

We do pickups now, boss?

Uh, not usually, bud,

but we do always go the extra mile

for our customers.

Hey, did I hear you say,

"garage full of random sh*t"?

Uh, yeah, but that's what he called it!

Keeran, I need you to think of yourself

as a brand ambassador for OMT, okay?

So how you speak to the

customers needs to reflect

the ethos of that brand. You got it?

Ethos is that new souvlaki

place downtown, right?

Yeah, they make their baklava in-house.

It's unreal.

Even the falafel is great.

Not too dry. It's authentic stuff.

Cool.

But what I'm saying is,

you need to be polite

and professional on

the phone at all times.

This is important, okay?

I'm so sorry. Please don't fire me.

I'll do better on the phones!

I never wanna let my work dad down.

Relax, you're not fired, bud.

And please don't call me your work dad.

It's unsettling.

It won't happen again, work father.

Okay.

- I just don't know.

- It's a big decision.

But you know who swears by this glove?

Mike Trout.

One of the most prodigious

players to ever play the game!

Well, how can I say no to

the most prodigious player?

I'll take three.

I'll meet you over at the

cash when you're ready.

- What the hell was that?

- What was what?

You stole my word.

You said "prodigious." It's my word.

My bad.

I didn't know there were rules

on who could use fancy words.

There's a plethora of rules,

because the word maketh the man,

and when the rules are broken,

it makes me lugubrious.

Oh, if that means phlegmy,

stay away from me!

My coach will k*ll me if I get sick.

It's not illness-related, you prat.

Patty's got a soccer tourney

this weekend and I'm driving.

Really can't afford

to get whatever it is

you're riddled with.

Lugubrious means sad, okay?

- It makes me sad.

- Oh.

Well, I don't wanna make you

lugu sad.

Won't happen again.

Thank you.

You're saying you want

a job here at OMT?

Look, this is the last place

that I ever saw myself,

but my life is in peril, so

Well, what's going on?

It's like you follow one car home

after that car cuts you off,

and then chauffeur just

shuts down your account?

I mean hah!

It's like apparently "illegal"

to follow people home.

- I don't know.

- It is.

It's total corporate-profit-

over-people horse sh*t.

Do you have any retail experience?

- No, nada.

- Okay.

Um, what are your strengths?

I would say my greatest strength is that

I respect you too much to

give you a bullshit answer

to a cliché interview

question like that.

- Thank you?

- You're welcome!

Oh, uh, and I would love

if I could have

staggering shifts from DJ.

We, uh, tried to co-run

a lemonade stand together

when we were kids

and his nose got broken.

Allegedly.

I see.

I'm sorry, Nat,

I just don't have the budget

to hire anybody right now.

But, Cynthia, you are a mastermind.

What do you say you just lean in and

You could figure something out!

Heh!

Flattery will get you everywhere.

- You're so funny, you!

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Oh, sorry. Not here.

- What?

No, no. Sorry, Nat, it's impossible.

[SIGHS] Really?

Impossible.

[WHINY] That sucks!

Oh my God

♪

DJ: Whoa, Jimmy, this is a gold mine!

JIMMY: Take whatever you want.

I'm moving to Florida,

and my soon-to-be ex-wife says

anything I don't take with me,

she's gonna burn to the ground.

Brutal! What'd you do?

Heh. I'd rather not say.

We respect your privacy.

JIMMY: So, uh, lock up when you're done!

Sounds good, Jimmy.

Thanks for thinking of OMT.

[DOG BARKING]

Anyway, I can't thank you enough

for letting me have first dibs.

Oh, by the way, I have work in an hour.

Do you think that's doable?

Pssht

Are you kidding me?

If these trends continue,

we'll be out of here in 5 minutes

with 55 minutes to spare.

Hell, we might even have time

for Ethos on the way home.

We'd be fools not to go.

- [LOUD BANG]

- [GARAGE DOOR CLANGS SHUT]

[GASPS]

Whoa!

Are you okay?

Yeah You?

Yeah, I'm good.

[DOOR RUMBLING]

But I can't get this open.

Uh

[DOOR RATTLING]

[LAUGHS] Okay, well,

this door's locked, too.

What kind of lock is it?

What kind of lock would bring you hope?

- None of 'em, I guess.

- Hmm.

Don't worry,

we'll still get you to work on time

with a belly full of Ethos, no less.

Okay

[DOOR RUMBLING]

[HANDLE CLANGS TO THE GROUND]

DJ: Oh

We might have to skip Ethos.

[SIGHS]

[STRAINING WITH EFFORT]

[BANGING]

Yeah, we are definitely trapped.

We should probably call someone.

Great idea.

My phone's in the car.

Uh, mine's at 1%.

Dude, seriously?

I was gonna charge it in the car,

but you were using the cord, so

That was very nice of you.

I'm no hero.

But we probably only have one call.

Two if we keep it brief.

I don't have Jimmy's number, though.

I'll call OMT.

They can give us Jimmy's number.

- Love it. Let's do it!

- Okay, here we go.

[PHONE TRILLING]

Bluetooth, right in the hearing aids.

- Ah.

- Amazing technology.

KEERAN: [PHONE] Thank you

for calling One More Time.

My name is Keeran,

and I'm here to go above and beyond

to help you with all

your sporting needs,

from hockey to baseball,

from tennis to racquetball,

from fishing to lacrosse,

from basketball

Hey, Keeran, it's DJ.

Uh, I appreciate

the professionalism, bud,

but, uh, I'm in a bit of a rush here.

Also, "from tennis to racquetball"

isn't that big of a spread.

Okay, I can sense you're upset,

but OMT is here to help.

How can I help? I'm Keeran.

You already gave your name, bud.

Uh, listen, I'm in a bit of a rush here.

I'm stuck in, uh,

Jimmy's garage with Gwen.

Oh, tell Gwen I've been downing

her brittle all morning.

It's the best!

- He says he loves your brittle.

- Thanks, Keeran.

KEERAN: Ask her how she makes it.

How do you he wants to Keeran!

We don't have time for this,

buddy, okay?

Listen, I need you

to look up Jimmy's number

as quick as you can, okay?

KEERAN: I see what you're doing.

I'm afraid I can't give out

any phone numbers

under any circumstance.

Keeran, my phone's at 1%.

Please, quick!

Why don't you just charge it, then?

Keeran!

Okay, let me just figure

out how to put you on hold

- and then I'll get a

- Keeran?

Did your phone die?

No, I think he hung up. I got him.

I'm calling him back here.

KEERAN: Hello.

Thank you for calling OMT.

I'm Keeran.

I'm a part-time sales associate

Hey, Keeran, it's DJ.

KEERAN: Oh. Hey, DJ.

I got the number.

Great. What is it?

- It's 519

- 519

- 628

- [SILENCE]

sh*t

- It d*ed.

- No!

Well, there's gotta be a

charger in here somewhere.

Heh for a flip phone, maybe!

Well, let's look.

Worst-case scenario,

maybe we find the other ski, too.

Yes, let's find those skis for Eddie.

Good distraction.

The skis are for Eddie?

Yeah, his birthday's coming up

- and I wanted to surprise him.

- Oh!

Aw, how cool is that,

that we're here for Eddie?

Yeah! But I really appreciate

you helping me with this.

Of course.

NAT: Oh! Hey, Cynth! What's up?

My word, what are you doing in there?

Oh, man, you would not believe

how much these businesses waste.

I mean, look at this.

It's like a veritable

smorgasbord in here.

So you're dumpster diving?

No! No, no, I prefer to think of it as

thriving off the waste

of the wealthy fat cats.

[LAUGHS] But yeah, yeah,

I'm dumpster diving.

Do you, uh roll?

Oh! Um, thank you. I am

- I'm off bread.

- Got you.

Is your brother aware of this?

Uh [SCOFFS] No.

I don't need his help.

I am an independent woman.

Oh, God, that takes me back to '99.

I was on the lam in Guadalajara

and had to steal tacos

off of restaurant tables

just to stay alive!

And I thought Y2K was

gonna wipe my record clean.

But when that turned out to be a sham,

I had to get resourceful too.

So

stripping?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, let's go with that.

Cool.

Well, uh, I gotta go

check out the Ethos dumpster

before the sun does too

much damage to the souvlaki.

[LAUGHS] So [CLICKS TONGUE]

[SIGHS] Nat?

God does grant me the courage

to change the things that I can.

- Uh

- You know what?

I'm gonna go back in

and I'm gonna look at

those numbers again

and I'm gonna get you a job.

No way.

That is sick! That's radical!

- I totally believe in you!

- Ah!

If you wanna, if you wanna hang later,

we can grab dins maybe.

Oh, I'm goo [GAGS] Blech!

[QUIETLY] Stuck in here

'cause of Eddie

GWEN: Find anything?

Uh, no.

I mean, just these devil sticks,

Hamlet costume,

and this zebra telephone.

Hello? Yeah, no one there.

Still trapped. You?

Just whatever the hell this is.

No way I know exactly what this is!

Yeah?

My mom used to have one

of these in the basement.

It was called the Blubberbuster 2000.

[MACHINE RATTLING]

Women were definitely

climaxing to this, right?

Oh, yeah. Not my mom, though.

Not that I don't want my mom to climax.

[VOICE SHAKING] That's very

thoughtful.

- It's all yours if you want it.

- Oh, no.

My basement's already

teeming with brittle things.

You're a real brittle head, huh?

I used to dream about

opening my own shop.

Yeah?

I would call it

"Brittle House on the Prairie."

It's ridiculous, I know.

You need to open this shop immediately.

Uh, no! It takes money and it's risky,

and I haven't even told Eddie yet.

How does Eddie not know about BHOP?

Because it's never gonna happen!

Because who's ever heard of

a successful brittle store?

I once saw a hugely successful store

that sold nothing but

penis-shaped doughnuts.

- [CHUCKLES]

- If that kid can make

their perverted pastry dreams come true,

so can you.

Thanks, DJ.

You're a good friend.

Hit me!

[MACHINE RATTLING]

JEN: Ahh!

CHRIS: 197

198

- [GASPING AND STRAINING]

- 199, yup!

200!

- [GROWLS]

- Did it!

- Oh!

- Oh-ho-ho!

Hoo! Hoo!

If you don't come home with

at least six gold medals,

it'll be a real lugubrious

state of affairs.

JEN: Ah, there's only one

medal available, but, uh,

I appreciate your support, buddy.

Look, I'm trying

to be equitable here, man,

but you just did it again.

Did what?

Used my word, "lugubrious." Mine.

We talked about this.

What is this, adrenal fatigue?

- What?

- I didn't even notice.

Oh, you just happened to use the phrase

"lugubrious state of affairs"?

That's just normal layman speak for you?

I swear.

And I'm for real sorry, man.

I put a ton of effort into these words,

upgrading my lexicon daily,

and they're not available

for any plebeian

to just haphazardly purloin.

When it comes to learning

sophisticated terminology,

I'm indefatigable.

Don't do it again!

Are you messing with him?

Just 100%!

Wow!

I think you like confrontation.

It's not confrontation,

it's confrontainment!

GWEN: So

What's your ridiculous dream?

I wanted to be a pro

hockey player and I did it.

I didn't make the NHL,

but it was still a pretty sweet ride.

- Why'd you stop?

- It was time.

Uh, plus, I love Korverton,

and after travelling all over the place

it was nice to come home.

Oh, god, I'm so bored of Korverton.

Probably because I never left.

I did go to Montreal in high school,

but I got pickpocketed by a mime.

I saw him do it, too.

I thought it was part of the bit,

then I just watched him

pull himself on a rope

until he was gone.

I don't mean to brag,

but I've been to 20 countries

and I've been pickpocketed 16 times.

- [LAUGHS] Any of them mimes?

- No.

Then that don't impress me much.

Shut up, was that a Twain b*mb?!

Yeah, I'm a huge fan. You?

I guess you could say that

- Shut up! Is that real?

- Oh, yeah.

Got it after her

hometown show in Timmins.

I'm still buzzin'!

- [LAUGHS]

- I regret nothing.

[SNEAKY DRUMMING]

Um, there's something

I need to tell you.

- [HIGH-PITCHED NOISE]

- Do you hear that?

- Are you messing with me?

- No, it's like a

Like a repeated high-pitched tone,

kind of like an alarm.

- Do you smell that?

- Very funny, DJ.

The sound is real, by the way.

Okay, I'm so sorry,

but the smell is real too.

Honestly, it's like straight-up farts.

What, like sulphur, or like

like natural gas?

Is that what you think the alarm is?

Like a natural gas detector?

Oh my God, is this place gonna explode?

Keeran, hold all my calls.

Alright, Nat, let's get you working.

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SIMILAR TO

"A BEAUTIFUL MIND"]

♪

♪

[CYNTHIA MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay okay

♪

♪

♪

[SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION]

[SOBBING]

Oh

♪

[MUSIC CRESCENDOES]

I'm not saying it's gonna explode,

I'm just saying I hope

it doesn't explode.

Stop saying explode!

I'm sorry, don't explode on me.

- I'm gonna k*ll you.

- My bad, you set me up.

The beeping's getting louder.

- How much louder?

- I dunno!

How am I supposed to measure that?

- Decibels?

- Who can earball a decibel?

Is the smell getting worse?

In that it's now a taste? Oh, yeah!

Why is this happening?

Oh God, it's made its way

into my throat!

I think the sound is getting piercing.

- It is?

- Probably!

Ah, the sound is definitely

maybe getting piercing!

I think it's almost maybe actually

definitely going to explode on us!

Get down!

DJ: Ow!

[GARAGE DOOR RATTLES OPEN]

Hey, guys.

- What the?

- Huh?

- [HIGH-PITCHED NOISE]

- EDDIE: Where are you going?

- DJ: This place is gonna blow!

- EDDIE: What do you mean?

- DJ: Come on, come on!

- Don't you hear that sound?

- You mean that sound?

- [NOISE CONTINUES]

- DJ: Oh, I hear it now.

- EDDIE: Yeah!

[NOISE CHANGES PITCH]

I thought we were gonna die,

but it was just

a theremin.

That's

That's beautiful.

I'm so glad you didn't die.

I'd be so lost without you.

GWEN: How did you find us?

Oh, yeah, I went to Angry Al's

to come see you,

and, uh, Josh said you were over

at OMT, and this, like,

super professional kid gave

me the address here, and then,

you know, Ethos is on the way,

so I thought I'd get us

a little lunchy-poo!

Thanks, man!

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you'd be hungry.

Anyway, we gotta get you to work.

GWEN: I'll meet you at the car.

- Okay.

- Okay.

By the way,

what did you wanna tell me earlier?

Oh, wait here.

[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]

Found the other ski.

I can wax 'em up and bring

'em over to you after work.

Thank you.

You're the best.

[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]

I probably should go

make sure I still have a job.

- You do that.

- [CAR STARTS]

[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]

You can return them in 10

days if you're not satisfied.

Our customer service is indefatigable!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

You nefarious, odious,

unscrupulous thief!

You deceitful, reprehensible,

verbiage burglar!

Hey, hey, hey, relax!

I hate seeing you so apoplectic.

I swear to God, I

Wait "Apoplectic"?

How did you

uh, where did you get that?

Well, my friend, I, too, am literate.

I had no idea I was labouring

with a fellow sesquipedalian.

"Sesquipedalian" is an adjective.

I'm, in fact, a sesquipedalian person.

How do you know so much,

yet keep it all inside?

Speaking eruditely, all the time,

can make you seem like a

real lugubrious sack of sh*t.

So I've heard from many ex-suitors,

and yet I persist.

- Ah, well, you do you.

- Hm.

- We're good now?

- We're copacetic.

- Dope.

- Indubitably.

Hmm, if only there were a medal

for winning the nerdiest

d*ck-swinging contest.

Word.

I thought it couldn't be done,

but I did it.

I did it!

I never should have doubted you,

Cynthia.

Okay! [BREATHING HEAVILY]

[PHONE RINGING]

Go for Nat.

CYNTHIA: [PHONE] Nat,

I did the impossible!

I negotiated with our

hockey tape supplier

and got them to reduce

their price by 5%.

I cut our Internet down

to a slower provider

Customers are gonna have to

wait an additional 8 seconds

per transaction,

but what's time other than money?

And finally, I switched to

one-ply recycled toilet paper!

Rough as the devil, but cheap as hell.

So I am now so proud

to be able to offer you

three shifts per week!

Which will hopefully

allow you to eat food

that isn't out of a dumpster.

So, welcome to the team, Natalie James!

Oh, Cynth, that's so cute.

I appreciate it.

But, um, hard pass.

What?!

Yeah, I got my chauffeur back,

so it's all good.

[LAUGHS] Okay, bye-bye!

[DIAL TONE]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[CAR STARTS]

You mother Nobody cuts off Nat!

Carl, buckle up!

It's about to get messy.

[YELLING] Yeah!

And the alarm that

Gwen thought she heard,

it was just a guy tuning the

high notes on his theremin.

Is that the instrument

where you jerk off the air?

- Yeah, that's the one.

- Sick.

And the gas smell was farts?

Oh, no, it was natural gas.

Turns out Jimmy's scorned ex-wife

was gonna blow the place to bits.

Damn!

Hate to see a negative

cliché confirmed.

Sounds like you and Gwen

had a traumatic experience.

We sure did.

But you know what they

say about trauma

It brings people together.

[BLUBBERBUSTER MACHINE TURNS ON]

[VOICE SHAKING] You said it, buddy.

[GLASSES CLINK]

JOSH: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa!

Ahh-hh-hh-hh-hh!

"Selcouth": Strange, unusual. Yeah.

"Pulchritudinous": Physically beautiful.

Like me.

Hey, man.

Uh, I'd like to sell these.

Um, don't tell Gwen.

Why not?

Well, she got 'em for me,

which is really, really sweet,

I just hate the colour, you know?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Give you 20 bucks. Not a penny more.

These skis are ponderous.

[LAUGHS] What the hell does that mean?

It means bunglesome or incommodious.

f*ck you, man.

"Libatory"

Oh, that's good.

"Badmash": A hooligan.

Hmm, quite a badmash!

"Humdudgeon":

An imaginary illness or pain.

I don't have any of those.

"Pizookie":

The original cast iron cookie.

Okay, obviously.

"Sternutator":

An agent that causes sneezes.

"Pantagruelian": Enormous.

My Goodness,

Keeran is a pantagruelian horn dog.

"Scofflaw": A person who flouts the law.

Ooh, "flouts" is good too.