02x03 - Feast or Famine

[bunniefuu]

Good God, that crowd in

Ethiopia got it some bad.

They're saying it's the

worst famine in years.

In the 80's, people were thinking of

the dire situation in Ethiopia.

Well, we might starve, too.

The friggin' fridge

is on the fritz again.

And then, unfortunately,

went right back to

thinking of themselves.

There's nothing wrong with that fridge.

That fridge is gonna outlive us all.

Bloody milk is froze solid.

Which just means the

fridge is working too good.

Alright.

Oh, enough of those

bloody chocolate almonds!

You've been eating that junk all week!

I'm just supporting

the boy's fundraiser.

The whole scene was inspired by

Bob Geldof's Live Aid

concert for famine relief.

While Bob held a super concert,

at school we sold

chocolate-covered almonds.

I'll take one.

Being a salesman came easy to me,

especially given a certain

someone's sweet tooth.

Pop was hooked.

A junk food junkie.

Aah!

Two more.

I was k*lling it!

And probably k*lling Pop, as well.

Jeez!

Did you make all that selling almonds?

- Uh-huh.

- Good for you!

Friggin' packin' ice-box!

Have you got any more almonds?

I'm all out, Pop.

What?!

Oh, jeez, no more almonds?

Stop your sooking and

eat your breakfast, hm?

Probably don't need that part anyway.

I sold 'em all just in time, too!

We have to hand in our collection sheet

for the 24-hour famine.

I wanted to be just like Bob Geldof

Famous!

If helping others helped

me look good, then, why not?

Right. People,

I'm here to announce that

I've solved world hunger.

Yes, I said, "hunger?

"Ah, not having it."

Yes, people want food?

I'll sell 'em chocolate-covered almonds.

That way I made 800 billion dollars.

You're welcome.

Oh, yes, that's lunch. Thank you.

And, like Bob, I wanted

nothing in return.

Well, almost nothing

Whoever sells the most gets a free bike!

And I've already sold more

than last year's winner,

so it's a formality at this point.

You don't know how to ride a bike.

Fall off one, maybe.

Well, then, I'll sell it.

I have my eyes set on the new Casio.

Digital!

Melodic alarm, liquid crystal display.

It shows the month and the day!

This isn't just a watch.

This is a time piece.

Aah!

Packin' packity packer!

Call that repair guy that

works for the station.

I'm already on it.

And that's what you won't!

We don't be wasting good

money on a repair man!

Besides, it's fixed now.

What's that?

How the I was just

Bloody packin' ice box!

Mr. Chafe.

Thank you, Sister.

Alright, students,

welcome to this year's

"Slumber for Hunger"!

I'm sure we're all

gonna have a lot of fun!

Ahem.

While solemnly reflecting on famine.

If you haven't done so already,

turn in your collection sheets.

Later tonight we will

announce the top-seller

and present them with a gift

certificate for a new bike

from "Bill's Cycle Shop,

we also sharpen skates."

We put the "act" in act of kindness!

It's as good as mine.

I-I mean, it's so amazing

we're helping out like this.

There were three bake

sales and two flea markets

on my street last week,

so people were tapped out.

How did you do?

My idiot brothers

kept eating my almonds.

I'm way behind. I hate this crap.

Maybe I could take a

few boxes off your hands?

You know, help you out?

I don't need your pity, dork.

And before lights out,

there will be games

of bingo with prizes.

But there will be no food for 24 hours.

This is a fast.

When Moses fasted, he

received the Ten Commandments.

What shall you receive?

A new bike?

The Holy Spirit!

You were way off.

For when we feed the hungry,

we feed our Lord.

"For I was hungry and you gave me food!"

Matthew, 25:35.

Imagine if a beggar came

to your door asking for food

and you shooed him away!

Well, what if it turned

out that the beggar was

Jesus in disguise?

How would you feel then?

I somehow doubted Jesus would use

the Second Coming to

go trick-or-treating

on Kenmount Road.

So remember, be charitable.

For when someone asks something of you,

they might just be Jesus

in disguise, testing you.

May I use the washroom?

No.

Ms. Fowler, start the clock.

Ooh, nice time piece.

Okay, students.

You can start laying out your

mats in an orderly fashion.

We showed solidarity

with starving children

by sleeping on gym mats.

One inch of bulk protection

that was almost as soft

as the linoleum floor

it protected us from!

They offered little comfort,

but it was worth it to

sleep mere inches from Fox.

What?

So what if it's pink?

It's my younger cousin's.

I don't camp, bum-face.

Maybe I should take the middle.

Give it up.

There's no more of those GD

chocolate almonds in the house.

Oh! Oh, the floor's soaked!

Oh

It's dead!

Everything's defrosted.

Oh, no, no, no! The bulb is gone is all.

Then why am I standing

in a pool of fridge piss?

One of ye crowd must have

been shagging around with it.

We need a new fridge, Mike.

A new fridge? I'll be ruined.

I wonder if it's calling

for weather at all.

We could store the turkeys

and frozen vegetables

- out in a snow bank.

- Mike!

Fine, I'll call Freddy at Simpson-Sears.

The bugger owes me.

Mm-hm.

Mmm, mmm.

No sugar tonight in my coffee. ♪

No sugar tonight in my tea. ♪

No sugar to stand beside me. ♪

No sugar to run with me. ♪

Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪

Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪

Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪

Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow! ♪

At least I can't hear

my stomach anymore.

Dow-dow! ♪

Thank you! That was a little ditty

by a band called the

Guess Who that says,

"Guess what? No sugar or

other food groups tonight."

Aw.

I'd k*ll for a flaky right now.

And a bag of hickory sticks.

How about you, Fox? Any cravings?

Is she going home?

Her sleeping bag's still here.

Maybe she doesn't like the music.

Or maybe she doesn't like me.

Mark Critch to the

office for a phone call.

Mark Critch to the office.

Ooh

A phone call, at school?

An absolute first.

Either someone was dead or

the house had b*rned down.

That can't be good.

I know you're all filled

up on the holy ghost,

but I hope you left some

room for a little pie

American pie, that is.

Aww

Hello?

Is it Pop? Is he okay?

Yes. It's me.

You're okay!

No, I'm starving!

Who else has almonds?

What? Uh, I don't know.

Dad bought some?

Ate those.

- Mom bought three.

- Ah, ate those, too.

Oh

Uh, d*ck Dunphy bought 10 bucks' worth.

Why?

Dunphy.

Yes, he'll do nicely.

Would you like an almond, Ms. Fowler?

Oh, no, thank you, Mr.

Chafe. I'm watching my weight.

I've been watching your weight too,

and it's looking pretty good to me.

I mean

You don't look sick or anything.

Oh, well, you look

very healthy yourself.

Strapping.

That's from all the strappings.

What the hell was I seeing?

The only emotions I'd ever

witnessed teachers exhibit

were anger and regret.

Oh, God.

Freddy says he'll give me

a deal on a floor model,

but he can't deliver it until next week.

Well, what about all this food?

We don't want it to go to waste!

We're gonna have to cook it all.

- What?

- Grab a pot.

Oh, jeez.

We're gonna have to eat

enough to last all weekend.

Ah!

My teachers weren't the only ones

breaking the rules.

Everywhere I looked, kids were

sucking on contraband candy.

Was I the only one not cheating?

But where were they getting it?

I couldn't believe it.

Fox was pushing candy like a dealer!

Like she was me with Pop!

What would Bob Geldof do?

Get out of here!

Make it about himself!

What are you doing, dork?

What am I doing?

Bullies are supposed to

take candy from babies,

not sell it to 'em!

And at a mark-up?

We are fasting for the

needy, not the greedy!

Chill out, Gandhi.

Besides, it's not eating if you

just suck the chocolate off of 'em.

Come on.

Everyone's doing it.

No. No.

Why are you selling food

at a famine fundraiser, Fox?

I told you I was behind.

This is the only way I can

catch up and win that new bike.

You're cheating!

And some of us worked really

hard to have a chance to win.

Don't you judge me.

It's pretty hard not to.

My stomach was empty,

but like Bob Geldof,

I was full of myself.

Oh, good God, I feel

like Peary at the Pole.

Rainbow trout?

How long have they been in there?

Pop caught those in the little

pond up behind the station.

Back before they filled

it in with gravel.

Oh, Mike.

Remember when we used to sit

up there and splash our feet?

The flies were enough to eat ya!

"Bursey's frozen cod tongues"?

I remember when you brought those home!

They were one of your very

first clients at the station.

I was so proud of you!

Let's fry up a feed of tongues.

No, no, no, I don't like to eat tongues.

I don't like to taste anything

that can taste me back!

The Pink Poodle?

That place closed years

ago. When were we there?

Aw, that was just before Mark was born.

Bit of spice did the trick.

Yeah, he sh*t out of you like

Evel Knievel out of a cannon.

Oh, Mike. Remember when they were small?

Where'd the time go, at all, hm?

Oh, it wasn't that long ago.

It was just

1974?

Yeah, that might be pushing it a bit.

Yeah, euch.

Eureka!

Aah!

Hey, Pop.

Hey! Whoa.

Good, good to see you.

What are you doing here?

No, I was just, uh

I was just looking for a pencil.

I was gonna leave you a message.

What's the message?

Your mother wants to

invite d*ck here for supper.

Really?

Is Mike gone?

Calm yourself.

No, we're all gonna be there.

Well, you could have just called.

Yeah, I could have done, but you know

I wanted to see my grandson in action.

Well, okay.

I can show you around if you want.

We got some time.

Nah, that's okay.

I've seen enough.

Yeah.

Right. No, it's really, uh, fabulous.

It's a way bigger office than Mike's.

Great. Alright!

- Keep up the good work!

- Ah, d*ck

Okay, g*ng!

Time for bingo, which we

play every Saturday night

at the parish hall.

I noticed a lot of you

have not "Bin-go-ing."

Bin-go-ing.

Tough room.

Must be the hunger.

Under the B, we have 4!

B-4.

As in "Before Christ." B.C.

Dinosaurs!

Very cool.

Next, we have

I can't believe she's doing this.

G!

She's making a farce out of it.

You know? And these kids are no better.

This is supposed to be a

fast, not a Halloween party!

Next up, we have I-19

Why aren't you saying anything?

- Mm.

- I-19

Open your mouth.

Next, B-1!

I just sucked the chocolate off!

I swear!

Judas!

No, I don't see what the big deal is!

The money still goes to charity.

My hunger mixed with my anger

twisting my stomach like

a sponge being strained!

I had had enough.

B-1, as

in O-B-wan.

Can we talk?

- Kenobi

- Not here.

I love Star Wars! Anybody else?

I wish I had a light saber right now.

Alright, eat up.

This is gonna have

to do us until Monday.

You too.

I'm not really very hungry.

Not for this mish-mash, anyway.

Well, there are no more chocolates,

so it's this or nothing.

Oh, well, "nothing" sounds perfect.

I'll just have that, then.

I'll have his wieners and fish sticks.

My favourite!

d*ck gorged himself like a stray dog

in a bologna factory dumpster.

Pile it high indeed.

- There.

- Thank you.

Jeez, d*ck. How can you eat all that?

What?

Just a bit'a wieners,

peas, chocolate cake, eggs,

fish sticks, and

Mystery meat.

That's rainbow trout.

Oh.

Where's the gravy?

Oh.

There we go.

Get some on the cake.

Oh! Jeez.

Why do you even need a bike?

You already have one.

You wouldn't understand.

- Try me.

- I just need a new one, okay?

You mean you "want" a new one?

No!

I need one.

My dumb brothers wrecked

mine doing wheelies.

My house isn't like yours.

Sometimes it's just

Better not to be there.

So I just ride it not to

think about stuff, you know?

To me, the bike was a

prize I didn't even want.

But to Fox, it was everything.

Besides, all I've ever

had has been hand-me-downs.

Boy's bikes.

It's gross.

I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.

It don't matter now, anyways.

I'm out of time. No cheating, right?

Well, you made some money, though.

You know, that's what counts.

Look, give me your sheet.

I'll turn it in with mine.

Whatever. I should'a known.

I mean, when do I ever win, right?

Here. On the house.

Our Lord had gone 40 days and nights.

I had gone four hours and 14 minutes.

Surely that was close enough?

After all, did anyone even

care about the rules anymore?

"If you find honey, eat just enough.

Too much of it, and you will vomit."

Proverbs, 25:16.

Where did you get those almonds?

Can't talk with your mouth full?

Oh, you just ate up any

chance of winning that bike.

You're disqualified.

Now, go say seven Hail Mary's

and think about what you've done.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Mmm.

Mmm

Mmm!

Thank you, Tina.

Last call for collection sheets.

Thank you, Mark.

Thanks for not ratting me out.

Snitches get stitches, right?

Students

Uh, it appears we have a winner!

Mr. Chafe?

Thank you, Ms. Fowler.

So, the winner of the new bike is

Fox!

Fox?

How?

Come get your coupon. Congratulations.

Go on.

I copy off you enough to know

your handwriting when I see it.

Impossible!

It says your name right there.

Besides, I'm disqualified.

I don't need your charity.

I don't even know how to ride a bike.

But maybe you could teach me?

That and another box of

almonds should cover it.

Yeah

Maybe I should sleep

in the middle tonight.

Oh, I shouldn't have had thirds.

I shouldn't have had firsts.

Disgusting piggies.

The fridge is best kind now!

Oh, really? Oh, d*ck!

How'd you get her fixed?

The condenser coils were dusty.

I knew that.

Jesus, b'y, Mary!

When was the last time

you cleaned back there?

There was enough dust

bunnies for a dozen easters.

Oh, you frig off back to

the hole you crawled out of!

Oh

Oh

Must have been the cod tongues.

Hm, yeah.

Selling almonds, staying up all night,

even putting on a concert

won't change the world.

For all our good intentions,

we didn't end world hunger.

We might not have changed

the world that night,

but I'm pretty sure I felt it move.

We often go through life not knowing

how hard other people have it.

We might set out to change

the world and realize

it's a little too big for us to do that.

But maybe, if we try,

we can change our little piece of it.

Because giving is good,

but sharing is great.

Okay, okay. I dunno.

Pedal, pedal. You got this.

- You've done it before, come on.

- Okay, there we go!

- Yeah!

- Yeah

Okay, yeah, I got it!

Turn, turn

Yeah, yeah, careful, careful, careful!

- Okay

- Okay!

- Yes, I did it!

- Yeah!

Yes, I got it! Woo!

Okay, keep going

- Yeah.

- Do it a little faster.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, come on.

Okay.