01x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

- [popping]
- [static crackles]

[announcer] It's Game On!

[upbeat music playing]

[Dexter] The attention to detail is great

and takes full advantage
of the console's graphics capability.

Gameplay is fast,
and there will be all kinds of surprises.

But, and as Sir Mix-a-Lot says,

it's a big but, and I cannot lie.

The multiplayer mode
is boring and repetitive.

[video game sound effects playing]

- [director] Dex.
- Wait.

- [director] Are you sure?
- And repet... Wait. No, I got it.

And repetitive. [inhales sharply]

- No, I don't. What is it?
- [director] "Undeveloped." You got it.

Uh, yeah. The gameplay is...

The... The... The... f*ck it.

["The Four Seasons: Spring"
by Vivaldi playing]

[birdsong]

[vibrant string concerto continues]

[classical music continues on car stereo]

[laughs]

- Okay. He's so cultured all of a sudden.
- [song stops]

Well, it came free
with last week's Sunday Times.

I thought it might
get me into the right mindset.

What for?

- [quietly] Daddy.
- Don't call him that.

- Obviously, I won't.
- [giggles]

To his face.

And don't bother with Vivaldi.
He'll hate that.

[clears throat, scoffs]

He enjoys classical music.

- It says so in Who's Who.
- Everyone says that in Who's Who.

- [chuckles] Do they?
- Yes.

Oh, well, no matter.

I've got a series of topics prepared.

Such as?

- Greek mythology.
- [laughs] Dex.

What? He said
he studied Classics at Oxford.

Yes, but only because his mother's family
founded the college.

- He is pig-ignorant.
- Oh! Well, what is he interested in, then?

Me.

If I'm happy, he's happy.

[chuckles]

[tense string music playing]

[girlfriend laughs]

Come on.

[tense string music building]

[girlfriend] Welcome.

- Wow.
- [girlfriend] Don't say "wow."

[laughs]

[Dexter] Who's that?

That's my great-grandmother.

She looks like you.

Well, she famously had eight affairs

and then became
a particularly militant suffragette.

- Hmm.
- Come on.

There's something else
I want to show you before dinner.

So, this was me

as a teenage girl.

- [boy 1] Game!
- [boy 2] Oh, f*ck off.

- [girlfriend] They're the twins.
- [boy 1] The f*ck is that?

[girlfriend] Ignore them.
You'll meet them later.

[father] Right...

So I'm guessing this is... [inhales sharply]

This is where you lost your...

[twins continue shouting]

No. [kisses]

That was on a ski trip.
To my instructor, Gaspard.

How many boys have you brought up here?

- Not many.
- Hm.

What about Hugo?

Or Hump... Humperdinck...

- Or whatever his name was.
- Uh-huh.

[girlfriend] Mm.

So I win.

Oh yeah. You definitely win.

[both panting]

- [girlfriend] Game, set, match.
- [boy 1] Oh, f*ck off. That was out!

[Dexter chuckles softly]

- [boy 1] Game off. That was out!
- [father] Right, come on.

[boy 2] Oh, you're such a swine.

[father] Don't be so wet, Sam.

Fencing. I'm going all in for fencing.

Don't suck up.

Of course I won't.

And don't be a boiled sweet either.

- A boiled sweet?
- [girlfriend] Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- [girlfriend] And don't be a nodding dog.

And don't be nervous.

They'll adore you.

- Mm. [chuckles nervously]
- [girlfriend] Why wouldn't they adore you?

[softly] Come on.

[sniffs] Another mini-break?

These days, everyone's always
off on a mini-break.

- Where is it again?
- Budapest.

- Oh, lovely. Is this your first time?
- [Dexter] Yeah.

I traveled around Europe a lot
when I was younger.

What do your parents do?

- [girlfriend] Mommy!
- Uh, my father is in business.

And... well, my mother's dead now,
but she used to be an antiques dealer.

So she had a shop?

[father] Bordeaux?

- No. No, thank you.
- You prefer a white?

- Uh, no. Uh...
- Not a rosé?

[chuckles] No.

- You AA or something?
- Oh, Lionel!

- Of course he's not AA.
- Been largin' it for too long.

- Nice one, Murray.
- I'm Sam.

Should it be NA?

Shut up. You're just... having
a bit of time off, aren't you, darling?

[Lionel] God, she hasn't got you
on one of her health kicks, has she?

- [chuckles]
- This is a 1990 Cheval Blanc.

Have you any idea
what kind of a wine that is, man?

Well, it was delicious
the last time I had it, but it's, um...

It's not the '81.

Oh. [chuckles]

- Oh, he got you there, Daddy.
- [mother] At last.

Someone who Lionel
can talk about wine with.

A wine connoisseur who doesn't touch
the stuff. What's the use in that?

Well, I just think that people
can be more interesting without drink.

Same goes for you, Daddy.

The thing I don't understand
about Alcoholics Anonymous

is why it's called that,
when the first thing you do is say,

"My name's Tom, and I'm an alcoholic."

They don't say their surnames.

That's why they can still say
Alcoholics Anonymous. [chuckles]

Ah.

[clicks tongue, inhales sharply]

- Do you two play pranks?
- Pranks?

Yeah. Pretend to be each other, you know,
when you're with your girlfriends.

Or boyfriends.

[chuckles] Don't wanna take anything
for granted.

You mean,
sleep with each other's girlfriends?

As a joke?

- Um, well, no. Not necessarily...
- No, we've never done that.

But we do communicate telepathically.

[Sam chuckles]

- Really?
- Murray, what am I thinking?

[family laughs]

What's the joke?

[Sam] I can't quite believe that we're
being interviewed by the Dexter Mayhew.

- [Murray] Stop!
- [mother laughs]

- Uh... um, I thought I'd turned it off.
- Oh, darling, you should take it.

It's Dexter's agent.
He's been waiting for this call all day.

Sorry. I wasn't expecting him
to call so late.

- Do you mind?
- [mother] Of course.

Do what you must do.

Though I thought it was only doctors

and people who save lives
who were on call.

[phone beeps]

Aaron, how are you?

Mm. [coughs]

Dexie, I was, uh...
all set to leave you a message.

How are you, buddy?

- Uh, I'm good.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, really good. Uh...

Just at Sylvie's parents' house
before we head to Budapest.

Well, I don't want to keep you, mate.

As you know, I had lunch
with the Game On! producers today.

- They are keen to keep working with you.
- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- Okay. What's the offer?

Yeah. They just don't think
it's gonna work

to bring you back for series two.

[tense music playing]

Uh, huh?

Yeah, I know.

Um... [scoffs]

I thought today
was just about working out my deal.

No. No, I know.
It took me by surprise as well, mate.

But why?

f*ck knows. I'm f*cking furious.

I... I don't understand.

Me neither. They said something
about refreshing the format,

appealing to a younger audience.

- Well, f*ck 'em.
- Exactly. f*ck 'em.

- That's what I said.
- [clicks tongue] Did you?

Yeah. Well, I told them
I wasn't best pleased.

But look. I don't think
you need to be downhearted, mate.

I think people are gonna soon see
what I can see,

which is actually
that Dexter Mayhew is growing up.

Maybe we just need to find
a new direction for you, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah. Some serious programs,
like maybe a car show.

People love you, Dexie,
but they love you in an ironic,

tongue-in-cheek, love-to-hate kind of way.

And what we need to do now
is get people to love you sincerely.

Okay.

Chin up, though, yeah? Love to Sylvie.

- [huffs]
- [call disconnects]

[inhales sharply]

[under breath] sh*t.

[glass clinks]

Congratulations, Dexter.

Secundo series.

- [sighs]
- [Dexter] Hm.

Thank you. Yes. No, I, um...

I told Aaron
that I... I... I need to think about it.

But why?

I'm just not sure
it's really the direction I want to go in.

Is it a big job?

- Fairly.
- And he's great on it.

Very informative.

Yeah. I'm saying that, you know,

this whole... this whole genre
that I've been so far involved with,

Get In! and Largin' It and Game On!, is...

That's a genre?
Largin' It's part of a genre?

Well, they're all a type of show.

- A sh*t show.
- Oh, Sam, can you stop?

- You used to tell us to turn it off.
- I did not.

I don't even remember it.

[Sam] "Turn it off
before it damages your brain."

[Murray] You said it was
like being screamed at for an hour.

[mother] I never said that.

- [Murray] "Before you go out..."
- [Sam scoffs]

[Murray] "Get in!"

All swearing
and half naked girls in cages.

Well, yes, but it wasn't all like that.

You know, I... I mainly just interviewed
the bands and movie stars.

[Sam] Oh, the bands and the movie stars.

You still hang out
with a lot of movie stars, then?

No. No.

I... I... I used to
when I was younger, but...

Faddy, isn't it? TV.

Faddy.

One minute, you're in.

Next minute,

you're not.

People lose interest.

[clock chiming]

- So what's next?
- Panorama?

- [Murray laughs]
- Possibly.

Or perhaps I'll just present
BBC's general election coverage.

Oh, that sounds good.

Now, that sounds more like it, doesn't it?

[Sylvie] Mommy, he was joking.

- [mother] Oh, was he?
- [Murray] He bloody wasn't.

[Sylvie] Murray!

[Murray] Politicians dancing.

- [Sam laughing] In cages.
- [Sylvie] Can you both just shut up?

[somber string music plays]

[chatter continues in dining room]

Uh, I keep getting
your twin brothers muddled up.

A good way to remember
is that Sam's hateful, and Murray's foul.

I don't think they like me very much.

I don't think they like anyone
apart from themselves.

I don't know. I think they think
I'm a bit of a... loser or something.

[sighs] Does it matter
what my family think of you?

[quietly] Depends.

Does it matter to you
what your family thinks of me?

A little.

Then it matters to me too.

[both breathing heavily]

[both chuckle]

[Dexter grunts]

Dexter, you can't put saucepans
in the dishwasher.

You have to rinse them out first.

Mommy hates that.

[somber string music continues]

[chatter in living room]

- [mother] You fell over, do you remember?
- [Sylvie] Couldn't get up.

[group laughing]

Oh, there you are.
We were about to send out a search party.

I was just admiring
your cabinet of trophies in the hall.

Well, that's the problem
with having such a competitive family.

You end up
with a lot of cheap, ugly metal.

[chuckles]

[clock ticking]

[chuckles awkwardly] Uh, what...
what's going on?

We're playing a game.

Can you guess which one? Truncheon.

[mother] Two blindfolds.

Our little arena.

Um, I don't know.

"Are you there, Moriarty?" Of course!

Right.

- It's my absolute favorite.
- [group laughs]

How do you play?

Honestly. I thought you hosted game shows.

Sylvie, you must induct him.

- [tense string music playing]
- [Dexter chuckles]

Good luck.

[Dexter clears throat]

- Come on, Dexter.
- Come on, boy.

- Here we go.
- Are you there, Moriarty?

- Here.
- [all exclaim]

sh*t!

That has got to hurt!

You got me. [chuckles]

Okay. [clears throat]

Are you there, Moriarty?

- Here.
- [all groan]

My goodness, that one had power.

Okay. Okay, I think
I'm getting the hang of it now.

[inhales sharply]

[Sam] Are you there, Moriarty?

Here we go.

[Dexter] Here.

- [all groan]
- Hit! A palpable hit.

- [family laughing]
- [Sylvie] He's unbelievable.

- Oh, better luck next time.
- Yeah.

[Sam] Right, who's next? Dad?

[Lionel] Right. Hand it over
to the professional.

I'll show you how it's done properly.

[mother] Are you there, Moriarty?

[Lionel] Here!

- [Lionel grunts]
- Yes!

- [all shouting]
- ["To the End" by Blur playing]

♪ What happened to us? ♪

[Sylvie] Come on. Take me on. [laughing]

♪ Soon it will be... ♪

[Sylvie] Are you there, Moriarty?

Here.

- [mother gasps]
- [Lionel laughs]

♪ Infatuated only with ourselves... ♪

[Lionel] Come on.

♪ And neither of us
Could think straight anymore ♪

♪ Well, you and I ♪

♪ Collapsed in love ♪

♪ And it looks like
We might have made it ♪

♪ Yes, it ♪

- [group laughing]
- ♪ Looks like we've made it to the end... ♪

[mother, muffled] Dexter. Dexter!

Dexter! Dexter, come on.

Uh... Um...

No, but... but I lost.

You haven't had a go at batting yet,
you poor thing.

Come on. Have another go.

- [Dexter] No, no, no.
- Take me on.

- That would just feel...
- It's just a rolled-up copy of The Times.

[takes a deep breath]

Okay. You asked for it.

- [Sam] Here we go.
- [Murray] Yes.

[twins laugh]

Get in.

[exhales] Are you...
Are you sure about this?

- I'm... I'm a pretty good tennis player.
- Come on, then.

Well, we shall see.

- [scoffs]
- [Lionel] Come on. Get on your knees.

- Knees, knees!
- [Lionel] On your knees.

[all chanting] Knees, knees,
knees, knees, knees, knees!

- Right.
- [sighs] Okay.

[Sylvie] Mm. Where are you?

- [Dexter] Uh...
- [Sylvie grunts, giggles]

[Dexter] Okay.

[Sylvie] Mm.

- You ready?
- Oh yes.

[sighs, chuckles] You sure?

[laughs] I'm ready when you are.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Game On!

- [Sylvie screams]
- [objects clatter]

[Lionel] Darling!
Darling, are you all right?

- [Sylvie groans]
- [Lionel] Christ!

[Dexter] Sylvie, I... I didn't mean to.

No, get away.

- Oh my God, she's bleeding.
- Oh my God.

Good God, man.
What the hell were you thinking?!

You didn't even ask
if she was there, Moriarty!

[sighs] Didn't I? I... I... I'm sorry. I...

[crying] Mommy, how does it look?

- Uh... it's really not that bad.
- Oh my God!

- Let's go to the bathroom.
- Come on.

[Sylvie] Ow! [murmuring]

It really was just an accident.

[sighs]

It was just an accident.

[somber string music playing]

[sighs deeply]

- [water running, turns off]
- [somber music fading slowly]

- Do you forgive me?
- [sighs]

I forgive you.

- Sorry for f*cking up.
- Don't be ridiculous.

You were doing fine until you hit me.

- [groans]
- They liked you.

- [Dexter] Did they?
- Yes.

As much as they like anyone
who's not a blood relative.

If they had it their way,
they'd marry me off to Murray.

- [Dexter] Ah. [scoffs]
- [chuckles]

Well, you know what they say.

You always hurt
the one you love. [chuckles]

[sighs]

Let's get some sleep, shall we?

[owl hoots outside]

[both laugh]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[scoffs]

[chuckling]

[grunts] Are you laughing?

[continues chuckling]

I'm not... I'm not laughing.

- Ah.
- I'm not laughing.

It's just...

You know when something happens,
and it's... it's just awful at the time,

but you know one day
it'll make a funny anecdote?

[scoffs]

Well, not... not soon, but eventually.

[sighs]

I was just imagining
describing the day to my friend,

who I know would find it funny.

What friend?

She's called Emma.

- You haven't met her.
- Is there an ex, then?

You're imagining regaling an ex
about how you nearly broke my nose?

[chuckles] No, she's not an ex.
She's just a friend.

[Sylvie inhales sharply]

An old friend...
who I haven't seen for years.

[Sylvie scoffs]

Anyway, besides the, um...

[clicks tongue]...the incident...

[both laugh]

Besides that,

I had a... I had a great day.

I like your family.

Do you?

I don't.

They were ghastly today.

I really, really like you.

Sylvie, I...

I love you.

["On & On" by Longpigs playing]

[laughs]

Huh?

- [Dexter grunts]
- [Sylvie laughs]

Careful.

♪ All the songs that I've sung you ♪

♪ More often than you know ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the love
That I've clung to ♪

♪ More often than I've let it show ♪

♪ And I wish you would leave me ♪

♪ And I wish you would go ♪

♪ And I wish you didn't need me ♪

[song fades]