03x04 - Play It Straight

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on Family Law...

[ABBY] Hey! Probably not a good idea

to bring your latest fling
this close to the courthouse.

This is Sabrina Bass...

soon-to-be ex-wife
of Connery Bass.

[SHEEPISH CHUCKLE]

I have to try to make
things work with Quinn.

- You have to?
- I want to.

[ABBY, WROUGHT] You want to be a father.

I can't be the reason you're not.

Ms. Steele was the only client

that Mr. Svensson has dated?

These complaints were
launched earlier today...

and they demonstrate a
troubling pattern of behaviour.

I've been suspended from practicing law.

[HARRY] I have some news to share.

In time...

you will hear about this
from other sources, so...

- best to hear it from me first.
- What's going on?

You haven't heard? Harry's
third-quarter life crisis.

The Law Society has
suspended me for one month,

effective today.

Suspended? But why?

Because I am the victim of a witch hunt.

All you need to know is this hiccup

won't affect the firm,

or your employment.

I promise... we'll be as strong as ever.

[CECIL CLAPS]

And during Harry's absence,

I will ensure everything
continues to run smoothly.

I won't be absent, Daniel.

I'll still be coming
into the office... every day.

It'll be business as usual.

If anyone here has any
questions about anything,

including your cases,

my door is always open.

[CHUCKLES] Unofficially, of course.

Thank you.

Wait... so who's in charge?

Dad. What happened?
Why were you suspended?

[SIGHS] Crystal Steele

has filed an entirely
fictitious complaint against me.

Wow. If only there had been
signs that she was a terrible person.

You're not allowed to come to work!

That's a recommendation,
Danny. Not a requirement.

Doesn't matter!

Being here gives
outsiders the perception

- you're practicing law.
- I have so many questions.

Dr. Svensson, your 9:00 is waiting.

And Mr. Svensson,
Zander Davenport is here.

Hey, is he the guy from
those cheesy detective movies?

The Peach Pie Mysteries!

Eleanor and I love that franchise.

It's like a warm hug...

minus the murders! [GIGGLES]

What should I tell him?

[FIRMLY] Put him in
the boardroom, Winston.

I will be there shortly.

Okay.

Tell me what I need to know.

Zander and his ex were in
a common-law relationship.

I helped him draw up
the separation agreement.

Zander is extremely private
about his personal life.

[ABBY] Is he? The
tabloids show him pawing

a different Bratz doll every week.

- An actor? Great. Abby can take him.
- [ABBY] What? No, no, no, no.

- No. Pepe Le Pew is all yours.
- I want both of you on this.

Surely, you don't need both of us.

It's for the benefit of my client.

Two of you equals one of me.

- Well, almost.
- [ABBY SCOFFS]

- Zander! Good to see you.
- Harry!

Ha! Last time I saw you was
at a Lions' game, I think, huh?

Oh. Zander, this is Daniel and Abigail.

What is this, a law firm or
an agency for supermodels?

Thought I'd bring these in myself.

Did you put on fresh lipstick?

Mr. Davenport, wonderful to meet you.
I'm a huge admirer of your work.

- Aw. What's your name, sweetheart?
- Jerri.

Jerri! Beautiful name,
for a beautiful lady.

[SMOOCH]

- Jerri. Separation agreement?
- [SMACK]

W-What's he doing with those?

Zander, you know I'd help
you personally, if I could,

but there's an emergency I must handle.

No, no, no, no. I don't
like where this is going.

These are two of the
best lawyers in town,

who promise their absolute discretion.

I'm gonna need them both to sign NDAs.

It's all covered

under lawyer-client confidentiality.

- [KNOCK-KNOCK]
- The others are here.

Why is he being so cagey?

Please tell me his ex
isn't a child bride.

All right, Zander. I'm here.

What is it this time?

[♪♪♪]

["UH-OH" BY JEREMY FISHER BEGINS]

♪ You can't prove it ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ You got nothing legit ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ The glove don't fit ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ You got to acquit ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ The charges won't stick 'Cause ♪

♪ I ain't no sucker ♪

♪ Ain't your lollipop ♪

♪ But ♪

♪ You can kiss my sweet ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Never gonna stop ♪

♪ Never gonna stop
Never gonna stop ♪

♪ Never gonna stop ♪

Topher violated his NDA.

I've done no such thing.

- He wrote a play about me.
- What play?

I wrote a one-man show
that's running at a local theatre,

but it's about my life, not his.

The sign clearly said "no filming".

[TOPHER IN VIDEO] My third ex...

let's call him... "Zaddy".

Yes, he is an older man...

and also an actor.

There's no indication that
this "Zaddy" is Mr. Davenport.

Now, Zaddy is best-known
for starring in

those cozy TV m*rder mysteries...

- the... "Fruitcake Mysteries"?
- [AUDIENCE SNICKERING]

We would go out into public

and he would see a "fan" and go,

"Oh! Quick! Hide in that trash can!"

- [LAUGHTER]
- And I'd hear Zaddy,

he'd be all, like,

[AS ZANDER] "Why, hello there.

Is this a dumpster alley,

or a catwalk for supermodels?"

[CLUB AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- [ZANDER] You outed me!
- Oh, come on.

It's not like I used the name "Zander".

- You called the character "Zaddy".
- It's gay slang!

Telling me not to use it is h*m*.

- [SCOFFING]
- You mentioned his profession,

his television show.

You were dropping breadcrumbs.

Clearly, you wanted people to find them.

Which violates the
non-disclosure clause

in your separation agreement.

Both parties are barred

from sharing information
about their relationship.

Okay. W... My client will agree to drop

the "Fruitcake Mysteries" reference

and change the name "Zaddy".

But this play had no
negative impact on your client.

No negative impact?

I got fired!

No one at Kindred Broadcasting
knew about my private life,

and then this comes out,

and then Kindred calls and says

they're recasting my
part in the next movie!

That's not a coincidence.

Maybe it is. You're not
exactly Daniel Day-Lewis.

Okay, Mr. Merigan's
play outed my client.

This... blatant violation of
their non-disclosure clause

- damaged his livelihood.
- Well, good luck proving that.

Even if you can,

this is a small fringe play
with no money attached to it.

I don't want his money!
He doesn't have any money!

Except for the exorbitant amount
that I have to pay him every month.

I want this play shut down! That's it!

I-I want him to honor h...

[♪♪♪]

Are you writing all this down?

No.

You know this can't go to court, right?

Anybody with too much
time on their hands

can just waltz in, hear everything.

Abby and I will make a
request for arbitration,

- to maintain your privacy.
- [SKEPTICALLY] Mm-hmm.

Zander?

- How'd the meeting go?
- Relationships aren't worth it.

- Better to die alone.
- I will put that on a t-shirt.

Abigail, I'd like you to meet Maeve,

my personal assistant and dear friend.

I'd be lost without her.

Maeve and I have known each other...

how long have we known each other?

Six years. I had just graduated
from film school and...

[CUTS HER OFF] That's right.

[LOUDLY] Yeah, six years
we've been together.

Six happy years.

- [SMOOCH] Wow.
- [MAEVE, FORCED CHUCKLE] So happy.

[ABBY] Honestly? It makes
a strange bit of sense.

- He was almost too straight.
- I feel for him.

The pressure to stay closeted is real.

I only worked up the nerve to
come out to my parents last year.

You mean they didn't already... know?

I was school president,
World Scholar's Cup winner...

they assumed I was too busy for girls.

"Best Little Boy in the World".

- Thank you.
- No, it's a theory.

Closeted men work extra
hard to be the best...

it deflects attention
away from their sexuality.

Explains a lot about our client.

The John Wayne impression?
Cheesy pickup lines?

[MOCKINGLY] "Beautiful
name, for a beautiful lady."

It's called chivalry, and thanks
to people like you two, it's dead.

You really think they
fired him because he's gay?

It's the 21st century.

Not on Kindred. Have
you seen their movies?

No q*eer characters.
No people of color.

And you don't see any gay
actors playing leading men.

[CONVERSATION STOPS]

What? Last I checked,

recaffeinating doesn't violate
the terms of my suspension.

I'll get Cecil to look into Kindred.

Being in the closet is hard enough.

Imagine someone laying
it out there in a play,

for everyone to see.

[HARRY] I agree.
Imagine trusting someone,

then they turn around and
air your dirty laundry,

and suddenly you become a
pariah to all your peers.

For the love of God, Harry,
your suspension is one month!

Take your coffee and go!

Wow. Your girlfriend
has a label-maker now?

Drop it.

Well, you don't have to worry
about me stealing your lunch today.

I'm going out.

With my ex.

Who aired all my dirty
laundry in court, so...

Would anyone watch a
revenge play about her?

- [♪♪♪]
- [SMACK]

Mr. Svensson, Sabrina
Bass is on line one.

You need to tell her, Harry.

High-priority clients should
hear the news face-to-face.

Put her through. I'll tell
her I'm taking her to lunch.

[♪♪♪]

I was surprised you wanted
to meet. Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

Sofia got an "A" on her chemistry quiz.

And, um, Nico now spends
hours locked in the bathroom.

Yeah, I know.

- You don't think he's... ugh.
- Don't tell him I told you.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- No.

- Uh...
- _

Who's that?

Harry's paranoid client...

- who just became my paranoid client.
- _

Right. Because of Harry's suspension.

How do you already know about that?

Ha! Family law is a
small, incestuous world.

Ah.

So what's your case about?

Bickering exes and their
novel-length separation agreement.

That's actually why I
wanted to meet with you.

I realize I was being unreasonable

when I insisted on waiting a year

before introducing new
partners to the kids.

If you and Aidan are serious,
you should let him meet the kids.

I won't stand in your way.

That's sweet...

but unnecessary.

Aidan and I broke up.

- [PERKS UP] Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, you're not.

[LAUGHS] I am! He seemed... nice.

For a calendar boy.

- [CHUCKLING]
- [TEXT CHIMES]

_

_

Sabrina.

This was certainly out of the way.

I thought we could
speak more freely here...

away from prying ears.

What was so important we had to meet?

I'd like to... postpone your court date.

Postpone it? Why?

I think your ex may be
trying to hide personal assets

in offshore accounts.

Give me more time,

and it will be that much
better for you, financially.

How much longer do you need?

Not much longer.

We could be in court, in, uh, oh...

about a month from now?

Zander was Kindred's male lead of choice

for all their Rom-coms
in the last 15 years.

Lucy wasn't exaggerating.
There's a definite pattern.

[ABBY] Notice how Zander
ages, but these women don't?

Who's the target audience?
Creepy uncles of Middle America?

Winston said we're all entitled
to our "problematic faves".

[CECIL] Then I called
the casting director

of The Peach Pie Mysteries.

She told me, off the record,

about some wrongful termination suits

filed against Kindred.

Allegations of h*m*, racism...
all settled out of court.

One time, Kindred re-sh*t an entire scene

because a lesbian
couple was holding hands

- in the background.
- A history of hiring discrimination...

bolsters our case.

We'll figure out what to
do about Kindred later.

Our immediate goal is to
shut down Topher's play.

Cecil... [GASPS]

For the love of...

Harry, how long have
you been standing there?

Have you tried to convince
the source to act as a witness?

[♪♪♪]

Cecil... try to convince the
source to act as a witness.

Why can't we have nice things?

Should've taken that
life-line when I offered it.

It's only a suspension.

Plus, this gives me a chance
to show everyone I can lead the firm.

You mean Harry.

Who knows?

- Maybe he'll get a taste for retirement.
- [LAUGHS]

How are things going with that chef?

Still got your junk in a vice?

Her name's Martina
and we're just friends.

You're telling me nothing
happened between you two?

Actually, her boyfriend's back in town.

I've been showing him around.

Wait. So all those times
you've flaked out on me recently,

you've been hanging out
with your crush's boyfriend?

She's not my crush.
And Quinn's pretty cool.

His name is Quinn?

We're heading out for
drinks. You should join.

I'll think about it.

"Quinn".

[♪♪♪]

Abigail, I'd like you to
meet my dear friends here.

Uh, Maeve you've already met.

- Hi.
- This is Kendra.

Hi. I'm Zander's stylist and life coach.

Yep. And this is, Donov...

Donovan, what the hell are you wearing?

This is a neckerchief.

All the guys wear them in Milan.

What's the Italian word
for "take it off right now"?

Uh, is it all right if my
friends sit in on the hearing?

You mean the hearing you
specifically asked me to make private?

Please? They've all signed NDAs,

and I could really
use the moral support.

[TERSELY] Yeah, okay,
fine, bring your entourage.

Oh... my god!

You're Zander Davenport!

- From The Peach Pie Mysteries!
- [ZANDER CHUCKLES]

- Uh, this is Abigail, my...
- Strictly platonic work colleague.

- What's your name, sweetheart?
- I-I'm Martha!

Your biggest fan!

Martha! Beautiful name,
for a beautiful lady.

Gotta give the guy credit... he
plays a convincing straight sleazeball.

Speaking of which,
guess who our judge is?

[♪♪♪]

Shortly after Mr.
Merigan's play outed him,

my client was fired by
Kindred Broadcasting...

a network with a history
of workplace discrimination.

We'll be dealing with
that issue separately,

but... in the meantime, I
ask that Mr. Merigan's play

be shut down for the
remainder of its run,

before it further causes damage

to my client's employment opportunities.

- Anything to add, Mr. Krol?
- Just a question. Mr. Davenport...

are you sure Kindred fired
you because of your sexuality?

I am.

An email chain...

shared anonymously
by a Kindred employee.

Can you read this... out loud?

"Let's cast a wider net
for Zander's replacement.

We need to go... younger."

"There's only so much we
can do in post about his...

jowls."

Your Honor, Kindred terminated
Mr. Davenport's contract

because of his age...
that's unfortunate,

but it has nothing to
do with my client's play.

I've heard enough, Mr. Svensson.

There's no proof this
play damaged your client

in any measurable way.

Your Honor, Mr.
Merigan violated his NDA.

I dismiss your petition
to shut down the play.

[BANG]

[♪♪♪]

We can't give up.

Isn't there more we can do?

We'll file a wrongful
dismissal suit against Kindred.

Go after them for ageism.

No, no, no. I'm talking about the play.

It's on for another
three weeks, you know?

Topher's agreed to cut
the identifying references.

I promise you, in a month,

no one will even remember this play.

- Kindred didn't know anything about it.
- Yeah. No, that is true.

They only fired me for being too old.

Age never stopped other
leading men, did it?

It stops leading women in
their tracks. But lucky for you,

we still live in a world
of double standards.

[DANIEL] Exactly! Think of George
Clooney, Brad Pitt, Josh Brolin.

You know, I've been told I
could be Josh's older brother.

This might be a blessing in disguise.

You got comfortable at Kindred.

Now you can go after other roles...

challenging ones.

Sometimes, you have
to move out to move up.

I like that.

Excuse me.

[♪♪♪]

[INCOMING TEXT CHIMES]

[♪♪♪]

Who was that?

[♪♪♪]

Sir?

I have something for you.

Oh! Brownies? What's the occasion?

I told my mom about your situation
and she made them for

- you to cheer you up.
- Aww!

She also said, if she were your client,

she'd date you in a heartbeat.

She told me to tell
you that last part, sir,

several times.

I'm... uh, speechless.

You don't have to say anything.

This is a gift. Accept it.

Well, can I at least ask
how things went in court?

It didn't matter how
well prepared we were.

- You lost?
- Chip Crombie was our judge.

He's still holding a
grudge against someone.

Don't put this on me. We
lost because you got blindsided

by your buddy, Yannick.

This is why I can't leave
the firm for one second.

At this rate, I won't have
any clients to return to.

Return to?

You never left!

[♪♪♪]

So I want Harry to stop hovering,

but I also want him to annoy Daniel.

It's a quandary.

Well, it must be hard
for Dad to step away.

He put his whole life into the firm.

Also, can you stop leaving your dishes

- in the sink overnight?
- I was letting them soak!

Whoa!

Kelly's really putting that
label maker to good use.

A necessary precaution when
someone won't buy their own groceries.

Why is she here so much anyway?

Doesn't she have her own
place? With her own fridge?

Kelly doesn't like her roommate.

She's 40 and has a roommate?

Abby! You're 40 and have a roommate.

- Oh, god.
- Sorry.

Came for a snack.

[♪♪♪]

How was your day?

I listened to that podcast. Wow.

Oh, I should've given
you a trigger warning.

No trigger warning?

Hope you had your
smelling salts on hand.

[♪♪♪]

Abigail. Abigail.

- Zander. How're you doing?
- Listen, listen, listen.

I was reading lines with an
actor friend last night, okay?

He got an audition for this new sitcom.

Okay.

- Guess who the writer is?
- No one ever knows who the writer is.

It's Topher!

And the show is about me,
so forget some local stupid play...

- the whole world's gonna see this.
- Okay, slow down, Zander.

Are you sure this show's about you?

"'Who's Your Zaddy?' follows
Alex, an aging gay actor,

who goes to humiliating
lengths to pass as straight,

terrified he'll lose his
place in the industry."

Hmm!

♪♪

This show can't get made.

If people see this,
they'll know it's about me.

Not necessarily.

You don't know Topher like I do, okay?

He'll let something
"slip" in an interview.

Besides, some of this "Alex's" dialogue

is taken verbatim from
texts that I sent Topher.

Like when "Alex" tells...

when Alex his boyfriend to
walk ten feet away from him

when they're out in public.

Verbatim?

You mean Topher copied the dialogue

directly from your texts?

Word for frickin' word!

[DANIEL] A plagiarism suit?

I compared Zander's
texts and Topher's script.

They're identical.

So he copied 40 words.

Topher can claim it was an
accident, apologize, and rewrite it.

We're not just talking a
small fringe play anymore.

This is a network show!

If we win, we can make
Topher buy life rights,

negotiate a percentage of profits.

And wouldn't it be nice to
rub Harry's nose in our win?

Still.

We're talking about a
couple of text messages.

The infringement's too small.

We need to see more of the script.

[CRAIG PANTS]

These are all the audition sides
my agent could come up with.

"Having a secret doesn't
make me self-hating.

Clark Kent has a secret,
and he's an American hero."

Wait.

Superman's gay?

I sent that text to Topher right
after the first time we broke up.

"Cherie is not committing
to her role as my beard.

Her 'love-struck'
face looks constipated

and she smells like hot dogs."

I never sent that one to Topher.

These aren't scenes from one script.

They're from multiple episodes.

Topher built an entire series
around you and your private texts.

[ABBY] This is good.

It proves that Topher stole your words.

We can negotiate... force
them to buy your life rights.

Absolutely not!

This is my life!

Topher is not going to
get the rights to it.

This show will not get made.

- I'd totally watch it.
- Okay, out!

- I need a moment alone with our client.
- I'm a partner!

You can't just kick me
out of my own meeting.

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR LATCHES SHUT]

How are you feeling?

Like how Dicky Gray must've felt.

- Who?
- Mm. Exactly.

An actor who used to play
the lead in all the Rom-coms,

and then, about 15
years ago, he came out.

And now, his most
prestigious role of late

is "Gay Flight Attendant" in
"Hyenas on a Plane"... "Part Two".

Gets his face chewed off
before the opening credits.

Poor Dicky!

I don't want to play a flight attendant

or some gay, sassy college roommate.

Well, if it helps, I doubt
you'll get college roles.

[WORDS CATCH]

Zander, don't underestimate
what this show can do for you.

If we win this case,

you don't have to worry

about whether or not
you'll get other roles.

You're not getting it.

Acting is my calling.

It's what I do.

I need air.

[♪♪♪]

Is he okay?

Yesterday, I saw one of
Zander's friends texting Topher.

What if, this whole time,

they've been sharing all
the cringe-y things he says?

We can subpoena Topher's
phone service provider.

Cecil, prepare an
application for disclosure

and set a hearing date.

And whatever you do, make
sure we don't get Judge Crombie.

How am I supposed to do that?

And you want the hearing
booked for tomorrow?

Yes, please.

And, uh, preferably
not with Judge Crombie?

We don't customize hearings.

Does this look like a Starbucks to you?

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Because people customize their drinks.

- That's funny. You're funny.
- I take improv.

- You read Night Lotus?
- Sure do!

Tried to get tickets
to the movie premiere,

but the hardcore nerds
snatched them all up.

Well, allow me to introduce you
to one of the hardcore nerds.

- You?
- Got my tickets months ago.

But, unfortunately, my
plus-one bailed on me.

- Girlfriend?
- My mom.

- [LAUGHS]
- So now I've got this extra ticket

but no one to go with me.

Hmm.

[KEYS CLACKING]

Looks like Judge Boyte's
available tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

- A revenge TV show? Poor Zander.
- At least Cecil loves it.

- Hey, are you busy tonight?
- No. Why?

I was thinking you
can join us for dinner?

- By "us"...
- Kelly wants to know you better.

All you've done this week
buried yourself in your room.

Why do you care so much what
I think of her? Fine. Fine.

- Come.
- No.

- Daniel.
- Quinn.

- Quinn, this is Yannick.
- Yannick. Glad you could join us.

You must be Martina,
the Forty Under 40 chef.

- That's me. You came.
- Quinn invited me. Is that okay?

Yeah of course, I just assumed
you'd have other plans.

We need more drinks. I'll be right back.

- So how's the...
- There's Tracey. I'm just...

- Yeah.
- That was unspeakably awkward.

So someone tidied my work space.

[LAUGHS]

I wanted you to have one
less thing to worry about.

You've been so busy these days.

And I like doing nice things for you.

So this looks great, Kelly.

- You were saying it was, uh... ?
- Ancho cauliflower enchiladas.

Mm.

[SURPRISED] Oh.

This is delicious.

And healthy!

- Oh. Are we making you uncomfortable?
- [UNCONVINCINGLY] No.

We've become one of those couples.

The annoying PDA ones.

[GIGGLING]

Uh... Lucy told me you just
went through a breakup.

Did she?

I have been there.

Last relationship I got
out of... total wreck.

Couldn't eat. Didn't shower for a week.

That's why it's so important

to force yourself to do things
that make you happy, you know?

Something creative.

Excellent... albeit unsolicited, advice.

What else has Lucy said about me?

- [OVEN BELL DINGS]
- Oh. Cobbler's ready.

I'll help you get the plates.

[♪♪♪]

Hey! Rocky Mountain
oysters are a delicacy.

- They're bulls' testicles.
- They taste great with ketchup!

- Have you tried 'em?
- Hell, no.

Neither have I.

But one time, I found
this place in Florida...

[QUINN] Florida. Yes!
I ever tell you guys

about that time my friends
and I ordered blowfish?

I'm sure you will.

So, this place is really sketchy,
and, like, 20 minutes after we eat,

I start feelin' sick... big sick.

First, it's this
tingling around my mouth,

then, suddenly, my tongue is...

Well... this has been fun,
but I have an early start.

I'll walk you out.

And this is the most
deadly toxin in the world.

You've got just ten minutes

to get it all out of your system.

- Martina seems nice.
- She's all right.

Tell me one thing.

You have a good job. Make good money.

Some might call you adequately handsome.

- Thank you for that.
- So why spend all this time

chasing some girl through her boyfriend?

Again, we're just friends.

Friends don't look at
each other like that.

Dude, it's obvious.

You slept with her.

[♪♪♪]

And then she says, "I like
doing nice things for you."

You're right. She's a monster.

No, you weren't there, 'Kay?
It's her whole vibe.

And she's always just
there... one jump-scare away.

So don't stay there.
Go to Mr. December's.

That's not an option. We broke up.

Ah. Now I get it.

You resent Lucy's relationship
because you're single,

so you're taking it out on Kelly.

Excuse me. I'm not the
one who's been single

for, what, a year?

- That's by choice.
- Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.

- Is it really that obvious?
- Is what obvious?

Oh, that you and your "friend" banged?

Yeah, it is.

- But would it be obvious to him?
- You mean the boyfriend?

Nah. He's way too up
his own ass to notice.

Wait. You don't like Quinn?

Take it from a bullshitter.
That guy's a bullshitter.

What are you talking about?

That story about the
puffer fish in Florida?

Two years ago, Florida banned
the harvesting of puffer fish.

- He lied.
- Why do you know so much about Florida?

- I did some Googling last night.
- Oh, you're jealous.

Jealous? Of that jacked
Anthony Bourdain knock-off?

I know it's tough seeing your
friends make other friends,

but no one can replace you, Yannick.

Don't make me punch you in court.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Merigan. Did you base your
TV series on Mr. Davenport's life?

All writers draw from
people in their lives.

Knausgard. Hemingway.

You don't think that's plagiarism?

No. It sets a dangerous precedent
when you limit artists

to writing only about
their own experiences.

Thank you.

Ms. Bianchi?

Ahem.

Mr. Merigan, this is a
text written by my client.

Could you read it out loud, please?

"Gay teens think they have it rough,

but they don't know true hardship.

Gay men my age had to marry women."

That sounds more sexist out loud
than it did in my head.

[ABBY] Now can you read this
excerpt from your script,

Who's Your Zaddy?

[TOPHER] Ahem...

"Gay teens think they have it rough... "

- The passages are identical.
- Objection!

This is a small section of the script,

which my client is happy to change.

We're not just talking one section.

Subpoenaed phone records of
more than 200 text messages.

Turns out Mr. Merigan
and my client's "friends"

have been corresponding.

A DM from Donovan De La Cruz...

"So cringe... use this
for your series... "

He shared a post my client
made about manscaping,

which Mr. Merigan lifted for his pilot.

Another DM, sent by
Maeve Adams, April third,

with a link to a voice message
Mr. Davenport sent privately.

[ZANDER] Topher keeps asking
when we're getting married.

I'm gonna say it...

I wish this country had
never legalized gay marriage.

Didn't your "Alex" character

use those exact words in episode four?

Do you know what it was
like living with him?

How many times I had to pretend

to be his "bro" when
we were out in public?

This may be based... on Zander,
but it's my story, too.

Then you should've used your own words.

Not my client's.

[♪♪♪]

There is enough evidence here
to suggest Mr. Merigan plagiarized

Mr. Davenport's intellectual property.

If Mr. Merigan wishes
to pursue this series,

he must first negotiate to buy
Mr. Davenport's life rights.

Mr. Davenport is entitled
to financial compensation.

As for you, Mr. Davenport,

the people sitting behind
you are not your friends.

I suggest you find yourself new ones.

[BANG]

[♪♪♪]

Zander...

Zander, maybe don't...

Why did you do it?

I trusted you.

I told you things about
me I never told anyone.

Zander, I don't know anything about you.

None of us do!

You're always feeding this lie.

I'm not the bad guy here!

You told Donovan his wardrobe
was gayer than an Easter Egg!

You chastised me

for daring to kiss my
girlfriend in public!

I'm sorry you're too afraid to come out,

but it feels like you want
us to suffocate with you.

[CHOKES UP] You were my friend.

I was your employee.

Goodbye, Zander.

[♪♪♪]

I don't want this show getting made.

I don't want this show... I don't...

I don't want people...
I don't want people...

- Is he about to pass out?
- People...

He's having a panic att*ck.
Baby. Baby, are you all right?

Remember what we do.
Look at me. Look at me.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

- Don't.
- Don't what, baby?

[WHEEZING] Don't... Don't
call me "baby" in public!

[ZANDER WHEEZES AND SOBS]

You wonder why I wrote a show about him?

[ZANDER HYPERVENTILATING]

Zander...

- [SOBS]
- Zander.

Do you have someone you can talk to?

No one. I have you. I have you.

Well, no. I mean, a professional.

[HE BLOWS AIR]

I tried to come out,
once, when I was 18.

I told my best friend,

and the look on his face...

Well, I said I was kidding,

and we never talked about it again.

And have you ever
told anyone else since?

Yeah. He made my life into a TV show.

[SCOFFS]

After you trusted him
with something so personal?

Well...

I'm not blameless.

Maeve was right. I-I suffocated them.

I've just been in the
closet for so long,

I wanted them in there with me.

You know... I'm almost 60

and I've never even been to a gay bar.

I've never done any of it.
[LAUGHS SADLY]

No... No parades, no... parties.

I woul... [LAUGHS]

I wouldn't know where to start!

I don't know how to be gay.

I've been playing this role for so long.

What if it's too late for me?

We think of... coming
out as this huge event.

You announce your truth
to the world and it's done.

But being q*eer... it's not a role.

You don't need an audience
for it to be real. It's you.

You discovered that part of yourself,

kept it safe, until you
were ready to share it.

- With all the wrong people.
- And you learned from that.

There's no gay checklist...

things you need to cross off.

Your queerness is yours.

And whatever the next phase
of your life looks like,

your experiences are there to help you.

I don't know what my
life would look like,

if it wasn't about hiding.

[♪♪♪]

To be clear, you're agreeing
to sell your life rights to Topher,

which means he can make his TV show.

Mm-hmm.

Financially, it makes sense.

I looked at my savings...

turns out fake
girlfriends are expensive.

You know, there's a good
chance this show will out you.

Let it.

It's not like anyone's showering
me with auditions anyway.

Mm. It's noon.

It's usually the time
Maeve got me a protein bar.

I'll get you something from the kitchen.

- Will you?
- Actually, I would love a...

[♪♪♪]

- Hey. How's Zander?
- He's doing okay.

Whatever happened in your
session seems to have helped.

Hey, so I've been thinking.

I can, on occasion, be a bit...

critical.

- Okay?
- And maybe I could make...

more of an effort with Kelly.

She makes you happy, so...

maybe she's not a total dud.

Well, thank you.

But you're still doing
your own dishes tonight.

It's good to see Zander back.

Now that you two have gotten
to know him a little better,

you should give one
of his movies a sh*t.

No, thanks.

- Contrived plots and bad acting?
- Bad acting?

If this has proven anything,

it's that Zander is a great actor.

He's been playing "Zander
Davenport" for so long...

give the man an Oscar.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, did you find something low-carb?

You ever heard of Larry David?

Uh, we're in the middle of settling.

Yeah, why?

Well, the guy plays a heightened
version of himself on TV,

and people love him. Why?

Well, 'cause they're afraid of him?

Because he's not afraid to
make fun of his foibles...

foibles most of us share.

Well, Larry David can't
play me in the show.

He's way too old!

[♪♪♪]

Look, Cherie is just not
committing to her role as my beard!

Her "love-struck"
face looks constipated

and she smells like hot dogs.

[LAUGHTER]

He seems to be slipping
into the role nicely.

[TOPHER] His notes are endless.

Creative input on all episodes...

that was part of the deal.

The cast likes him.

They have to. He's
number-one on the call sheet.

Though, I will admit...

he's perfect for the part.

- Let's grab a beer after this.
- Oh, you don't have plans with Quinn?

I'll have to check my
schedule. It's a busy week.

Sure, it is.

[APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

Um...

Folks, before you all leave,

there is something I would
like to share with you all.

I am a gay man.

Oh.

That's all. Thank you.

[APPLAUDING]

[♪♪♪]

So, I was thinking, on
Sunday, I'd make dinner.

- And by "make", I mean...
- Uber Eats?

Oh, before I forget,
Kelly and I have decided...

[CECIL] Mr. Svensson!
Sabrina Bass called.

She says, "I've been thinking
about our meeting and you're right...

let's postpone our
court date by one month."

Harry... did you or did you not
tell Sabrina you're suspended?

I saw no need. I was
acting in her best interests.

No, you were acting
in your best interests.

You pushed her court date
until your suspension is over.

[♪♪♪]

- You lied to your client!
- I didn't lie.

There are valid reasons
to postpone a court date.

Reasons that only popped into your
head because of your suspension.

Sabrina will never figure that out!

[ABBY] Mr. Bass's lawyers will.

You think Cordelia
Bernstein doesn't know?

If they hear you've been suspended...

What do you think will happen

once they figure out
you breached your terms?

The whole firm will be in hot water!

You need to take a step back.

You built a great team here, Dad.

Things can run without you for a bit.

Yes. I'm sure.

So, what, you don't
trust us, any of us here?

Not on a case like this!

Even with your sister's help, Daniel,

you're no replacement for me.

[CALMLY] That's it.

If you try to give legal
advice to any of your clients,

I will report you to
the Law Society myself.

- Don't be so dramatic.
- I will not have this firm suffer

because you can't sit on
the sidelines for one month.

- Can you believe what you're hearing?
- Daniel's right, Harry.

If you continue like this, forget
suspended... you'll be disbarred.

Dad, maybe time off
will be good for you.

Take stock.

Think of what you want for the future.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, what's the box for?

Right. Uh... I was
trying to tell you earlier...

Should we just stack
these in the bedroom, babe?

Oh, hey, Abby!

Wait. Those are yours?

Kelly's moving in!

Her roommate was becoming unbearable.

[KELLY] And my lease is almost up.

So we figured... why not? [CHUCKLES]

Huh.

I guess there's some
truth to that old joke.

What joke?

What does a lesbian
bring on the second date?

A U-haul!

[ABBY CHUCKLES ALONE]

[♪♪♪]

It's because of the U...

[♪♪♪]

- You made the U-haul joke?
- It was supposed to feel

- like they were in on it!
- Abby!

There was an actual
U-Haul parked outside!

We've been through this.

Before an Abby joke... read the room.

- [LAUGHS]
- Remember Sofia's Christmas pageant?

- Hey, that kid was pitchy.
- He was eight!

And his parents were
sitting right behind us!

[LAUGHING]

I was starting to make
progress with Kelly, too.

Ah, she'll warm up to you.

You have that effect on people.

Even if your jokes are from 1993.

Hey.

Hey. I'm planning my next campaign.

Can I run a scenario by you?

Sure.

Wow. Hi.

- Where'd you get all this?
- Isabelle.

Isabelle... is she the
girl from your math class?

The one who wrote you that Valentine?

No.

- She's Dad's new friend.
- Dad's new friend?

Yeah, I met her on the weekend.

She's nice.

[♪♪♪]