03x08 - Welcome to the Property

[bunniefuu]

Whew! Nine! That's a new record! Wow, Dave.

You just ran nine miles? No, I got nine people to wave back at me.

Well, let's just make it an even ten.

Bye! Oh, no.

Don't look now, but here comes your least favorite neighbor.

[CHUCKLING]

What are you talking about? I just waved goodbye to him.

Calvin, it's Walter.

CALVIN: Oh, goodness.

Wonder what's got his adult diaper in a bunch today.

Hey, Walter.

Dave.

Jackass.

What do you want? Don't you have an obituary to be in? I actually came over to give you some bad news.

I'm moving.

[CHUCKLES]

Are you kidding? That's not bad news.

That's great news.

In fact, if I didn't hate you so much, I would hug you.

You didn't let me finish.

I'm selling my house to the Cartelli Group.

What? Uh, who's the Cartelli Group? They're big developers.

They've moved into neighborhoods all around here, knocking down the original homes and replacing them with big, ugly monstrosities.

That's right.

And finally, we'll have a home around here that matches your face.

Okay, Walter, you take that back! Calvin has a beautiful face! Okay, Dave, you're not helping.

Although you're not wrong.

And here's the best part.

You're in for a year of loud trucks and construction workers taking pee breaks on your lawn.

And I might even show 'em where I like to do it.

Come on, Walter.

You can't do this.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'm signing those papers next week.

I'm gonna get a whole lot of money, and you're gonna get a whole lot of this.

[IMITATES TRUCK]

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, - beep, beep - Can't believe this guy.

He's got some nerve.

And amazing balance.

He just backed up all the way to his front porch.

Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.

We got a problem.

What's the matter, baby? Walter's selling his house to a developer.

They're gonna tear it down and build a giant eyesore.

What? Are you serious? Yeah.

You know, I've been praying for Walter to move for years, but I always meant to heaven.

See, man, this is happening all over the place.

The developers come in, start buying up all the houses and take over the neighborhood.

- Mm.

- It's classic gentrification.

Yup, and then the prices go through the roof, the landlords raise the rent, and good people are forced out.

I can't believe Walter would do this to the community.

- Mm.

- You know what? I'm gonna drink a gallon of iced tea and go over there and water his lawn.

Calvin, I've told you a thousand times Use your words, not your pee.

Uh, yeah, some of this is on you, Pop.

Maybe if you didn't antagonize him so much - Mm-hmm.

- He wouldn't have decided to move.

Who would move out the neighborhood just because I'm mean to 'em? Uh, present.

Okay, if that's the case, maybe there's a way I could change his mind.

What do you mean? I mean, maybe he wouldn't move if I tried being a kinder, friendlier neighbor to that old, wrinkly bastard.

I don't know, Calvin.

Don't you think it's a little too late for that? Uh, yeah, Pop.

Maybe you should've tried being nice to him back when he was a young, less wrinkly bastard.

Look, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but if anyone can do it, it's me.

After all, no one can resist the Calvin Butler charm.

[LAUGHS]

What Calvin Butler charm? Boy, shut up.

Wasn't nobody talking to you.

Calvin? There he is.

My main man, Walter The Denzel of Pasadena.

Why in the hell are you raking my yard? Yeah, look, man, I know I haven't always been the best neighbor, but I got to thinking I'm gonna turn over a new leaf and figured I'd rake a few of yours.

Oh.

And I found this $20 bill on your lawn.

I figured you must have dropped it.

You know, I don't know what you're up to, but I did drop that 20.

Now, what's this really about? If you need a kidney, it ain't happening.

No, I don't need a kidney.

Although any man would be lucky to have one of your organs inside of 'em.

Calvin, I ain't up for all this Fruity Pebbles stuff.

Oh.

Oh, no, man.

You know, I just got to thinking.

We wasted so much time fighting, when instead we should've been getting to know each other.

All right.

Well, I'm Walter.

I got a screw in my knee and a damn fool on my lawn.

You see? I didn't even know about your knee.

You know what? Why don't you come over tonight for dinner, - and we just let bygones be bygones? - No.

- No, no, I-I don't know about that.

- Ah, come on, man.

What can I do to convince you? Well, I did lose another 20 around here.

You sure it wasn't a ten and two fives? That'll do.

Okay, dinner's almost ready, and I'm wearing a low-cut blouse.

- I've done my part.

- [LAUGHS]

All right, now, remember, no matter how miserable Walter is, we got to be nice to him.

But if he starts to choke on a piece of carrot, let nature take its course.

I don't get why this is such a bad thing.

If he sells his house for a lot of money, don't all of our property values go up? Sure, but some things are more important than money.

Like the people and the culture of this neighborhood.

Which is why I'm never leaving it.

And that means neither am I.

Neighbors for life, bro.

Aw, what the hell.

Let the fake friendliness begin.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Okay, now, that's him.

Now, remember, we're smiling, we're laughing, and most important, we're not giving the Heimlich.

Hey, Walter! Come on in! - Hey, Walter! - Hi! Uh, evening, everybody.

I'm glad to see you're not take-off-your-shoes kind of people.

I don't want to be eating while staring at your nasty feet.

[CALVIN LAUGHS]

Well, it's gonna be hard to keep our shoes on with you knocking our socks off with those jokes.

[LAUGHS]

Well, let's get this party started.

Uh, Tina, lean forward and pour the man a drink.

So, Walter, why don't you tell Dave and Gemma here how we first met.

Who the hell is Gemma? That would be me.

The one who took you to the ER when you broke your ankle.

Oh, yeah.

You're a terrible driver, and your taste in music sucks.

[LAUGHS]

This guy's hilarious.

Watch out, Steve Harvey.

We got the next host of Family Feud.

W-Walter, how did you guys meet? Well, it was the first Halloween after they moved in, and Calvin brought the boys by for trick-or-treating.

And I gave 'em each a ketchup packet, and I turned the sprinklers on 'em.

And what's crazy is we were having hot dogs the next day.

It's like Walter knew we'd need ketchup.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

So, can I get anybody anything from the kitchen? Well, I'll tell you what I could use some salt.

This food is bland as hell.

Excuse me? [LAUGHS]

There he goes again.

Just Walter being Walter.

- Well, Tina about to be Tina.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Be cool.

Stay cool.

Just keep loading up his plate with choking carrots.

Well, you know what? I don't know about you guys, but I'm having a blast.

You know, too bad that you're moving.

Otherwise, we could make this a regular thing.

That'd be nice, but not as nice as a big pile of money from that developer.

What's for dessert? How about some upside-down-your-head cake? Come on, Walter.

You can't sell to those guys.

They don't care about the people around here.

Neither do I.

You think I'd give out ketchup packets to people I like? [SIGHS]

Come on, man.

You know, there's got to be something I can do.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Uh Maybe we could find you another buyer.

- What? - Yeah.

I mean, like, you said you're not signing the papers till next week, right? That gives us a couple of days to spruce up the place and find someone who cares about this neighborhood as much as we do.

Calvin, we can have an open house.

I love open houses.

Walter, I'm what's known as a world-class lookie-loo.

Well, why should I do that? I already have a buyer.

Because I'm gonna get you more money.

Well, I like the sound of that.

But you're also gonna have to put me up in a hotel while you do it.

- Seriously? A hotel? - Yeah.

And not one where you open the door and you're outside.

I want a hallway.

That's it.

Fine.

You know what? You got a deal.

Good.

Now pass me some more of those carrots.

Go ahead, Tina.

I mean, if it's God's will, it's God's will.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe how much junk Walter has.

Ugh.

I know.

It's like 20 yard sales threw up in his living room.

Well, on the bright side, Nixon resigned.

Okay, so maybe this place isn't exactly move-in ready, but it's got good bones.

Yeah, if by "bones," you mean a skeleton.

Yeah, Calvin, this is a disaster.

There's no way we can sell this place in two days.

Come on, guys.

This place is oozing with character.

I mean, check out the tiled fireplace.

Got the arched doorways.

And I bet if I pull up this old, moldy carpet, I'll find the original older, moldier carpet.

This house hasn't been updated in years.

I know.

Look at this velvet wolf painting.

It's so dusty, I think this woman used to be White.

You know what? I can fix that right now.

Oh.

I'll just take it down.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Uh, Calvin, don't look in there.

I think that's where the skeleton may be.

Uh-uh-uh, I'm sorry, babe, but there's no way we have enough time to fix this place up.

Unless, of course, you're talking about Time Magazine, in which case we have all of them.

Come on, it's not as bad as you guys think.

We'll get Malcolm and Marty to help us put this stuff away, then we'll slap on some paint, replace the furniture with ours.

This place will look great in no time.

- DAVE: Whoa! - [TINA SHOUTS]

Whoa! Boom! It's where the flat-screen goes.

We can never lose, let's work together We can be the proof, let's do it together We're moving, cleaning up the mess We're moving, let's get down to business We're moving, cleaning up the mess We're moving, let's get down to business Hey, good job, bro.

Oh, thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Okay.

[SONG ENDS]

You know, I got to say, we really did a fabulous job on this place.

I know.

This place is gorgeous.

Yeah, as long as no one touches the wet paint, opens a closet door, or flushes the toilet, we're gold.

Okay.

Open house starts in an hour.

I posted some pics to my lookie-loo message board, and, guys, let me tell you something.

People are looking to loo.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I was gonna put some cookies in the oven.

Oh, great idea.

That'll make it feel nice and homey.

Oh, actually, I was just gonna try to warm this place up.

When I tried to turn on the heater, the doorbell rang.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, Calvin, what do you say? You ready to sell this bad boy? You're damn straight.

All we got to do now is open the door and let the house sell itself.

I don't know about you, but I don't miss it.

You know, and the best thing about this place is that you can move in tomorrow.

And, uh, you didn't hear it from me, but I heard Denzel used to live here.

Okay, cool.

Is that a closet? Is-is what a closet? That door behind you.

Oh.

Uh, as a matter of fact, it is.

But unfortunately, someone's taking a tour of it right now.

And, uh, with the kitchen right here, you could be making dinner while still keeping an eye on your kids.

We actually don't have any children.

Oh.

Well, after I show you the bedroom, you're gonna want to get busy making some.

Come on.

Malcolm, this thing weighs a ton.

How much longer do we have to hold it? Oh, not too much longer, man.

Just a couple of hours.

Well, how long has it been? Three and a half minutes.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is how it's gonna end.

Wow, Helen, would you look at this place? I know, Derek.

This house is a dream come true! We better put an offer in quick.

If we don't, we're gonna regret it for the rest of our lives.

Mother! Father! Please don't let this extraordinary opportunity slip away! Okay, Oliver Twist, reel it in.

Malcolm, I can't keep this up much longer.

Don't you give up.

You can do it.

Okay.

Ow! Oh, that's it.

That's it.

I'm going down.

Oh, come on, Marty.

It's just a bottle of water.

Yeah, but it still has the cap on it.

[BOTH GROANING]

Oh! Well, there you go.

One less thing to dust.

Oh! Oh! - [ALARM BEEPING]

- Oh, no! I forgot about the cookies! - Oh! Oh! Oh! - Whoa, whoa.

Hey, guys, get your offers in quick.

Everybody knows a fire truck always bring a crowd! [COUGHING]

Man, we were so close.

It was our fault.

Our acting was way over the top.

What are you talking about? We were totally believable.

It was Grover who crapped the bed.

Well, at least you didn't almost set the house on fire.

- Yeah, or drop the mantel.

- CALVIN: Come on, guys.

This wasn't any one person's fault.

You blew it as a group.

Whoa! You guys did a lot of work around here.

Whoa.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Ah, yeah.

All my carpets are still here.

So did you get any offers? No, but we were really close.

We just need a little bit more time.

He's right.

In fact, this one couple, Derek and Helen, seemed really into it.

Their son was a little too into it.

I'm sorry, Calvin, but a deal is a deal.

I gave you two days, and you couldn't deliver.

I'm signing those papers tomorrow.

[SIGHS]

CALVIN: Come on, Walter.

You can't do this, man.

This community is special.

It has history.

It has a soul.

Families have lived here for generations.

Doesn't that matter to you? Oh, I'll tell you what matters My bank account matters.

And my wolf painting.

It's the only thing I asked for in the divorce.

Oh, come on, Walter.

My pops is right, man.

This house deserves to be lived in, not knocked down.

Yeah, man.

Look how nice this place is.

Any family would love to live here.

Hell, I would love to live here.

Wait a minute.

So you're saying you would live here if you could? Absolutely.

In that case, I think I have a way we can solve this.

Let me buy the house.

Wait.

What? Well, uh, hold on.

Calvin.

Uh, I know it's only one house down, but if you move, it'll break my heart.

Look, Tina, look, I know this is a lot of money, but if Marty moves in, his rent could cover some of the cost.

And I could move in, too.

That would double the rent.

Ooh, actually, I don't know if I'm looking for a roommate.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, but I know a lot of girls, and those girls have friends.

Oh, and just like that, I got a roommate, Dad.

Think about it, Tina.

This will be good for the neighborhood, and it will help our boys learn to be homeowners.

Plus, we're finally getting Malcolm out the house.

And if you ask me, that's God speaking through real estate.

Oh, what the hell.

Let's buy a house.

- Yeah! - [CHEERING]

No, no, no.

Hold on.

Hold on, all of you! I haven't agreed to a thing yet.

- Oh, God.

- Come on, Walter.

Now, I know we haven't always gotten along, but do the right thing.

Well, I do like the idea of you having two mortgages.

Plus, you'll be renting to family, and that always goes bad.

So congratulations.

I'm screwing you again.

Well, Calvin, I don't know about the neighborhood, but because of you, the property value of my heart - just went through the roof.

- GEMMA: Oh.

Neighbors for life, bro.

Oh, well, what the hell.

Let the fake friendliness continue.

Well, truck's all loaded.

This is it.

Bye, Dave.

Bye, jackass.

Well, I'm glad to see you go.

Although it may not be a hearse, I guess a moving truck will do.

So, Walter, you never told us where you were moving.

To a singles retirement community in Palm Springs.

Seventy percent female.

Oh.

Please.

Like you got some game with the ladies.

Oh, I don't need game.

I got two good hips and all my teeth.

It's like fishing with dynamite.

Well, you take care of yourself, Walter.

Yeah, good luck.

Hope you die of a heart att*ck while having sex.

Me, too.

Well, you got to give the guy credit.

After all those years of fighting, he did the right thing.

Yeah, he sure did.

You know, not to get ahead of ourselves, but what do you think about us being neighbors at a retirement community? I'll tell you what I think.

[IMITATING TRUCK]

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.