04x18 - Welcome to the Feud

[bunniefuu]

All right Bam.

Queen of hearts? Oh, babe.

Even when you're not on my team, you help me win.

Eh.

Come on, Dave, slap that spade on her.

- Let's go, baby.

- All right.

Coming right up.

Come on.

I'm sorry, I got to take this.

Hello, Terrence.

Again.

Hey, hurry up, man.

This is Spades.

This is not a game.

He's been on that phone all day.

Yeah, it's his new mediation clients.

Two rich brothers who don't get along.

Uh, well, there's gonna be a mediation between me and him, if he doesn't come over here and help us win this book.

Hey, sorry about that, guys.

Okay, where were we? Oh, we were talking about your jackass clients.

Well, as their mediator, I can't say that.

Yeah, well, I can.

Look, lately, all of your clients have been how can I put this nicely total jackasses.

You haven't been happy at work in a long time.

Well, maybe not, but if I can get these guys to agree on where to build their new factory, not only will it create, well, a lot of jobs, but happy Dave will return.

Hmm.

Happy Dave needs to return his ass back to this game.

- Mm, yeah.

- Let's go, baby.

- So, what you got? What you got? - Okay, all right.

Let's do this.

We're about to run a Baltimore on you two.

- No.

- It's called a Boston, Dave, but good trash talk, man.

- Come on, man.

Hit them with it, baby.

- All right.

Well, let's g Sorry.

It's the other brother.

I'm so sorry.

There you go.

Our book.

No, no, no, baby, no, he was distracted.

That's a do-over.

- That's a do-over.

- No, no do-overs, okay? This is Spades.

This ain't a game! Nope.

Know what? That's it for me.

I'm never being Dave's partner on anything ever again.

Okay, well, I got them off my back for now, but guess we're playing golf tomorrow at the very exclusive Samora Country Club.

I just have to find a fourth.

Partner.

Man, look at this place.

There are countries smaller than this course.

I got to get in good with these guys so I can get invited back.

Well, that's fine, but just remember, this whole day is about getting the Wilton brothers to relax and agree where to build their new factory, so just be cool and leave everything to me.

You telling me to be cool? Dave, I'm always cool.

Wow.

Is that Sylvester Stallone? Yo.

What's up? Ooh, Calvin.

Calvin.

Here they come.

What a splendid day.

The air is positively salubrious.

Uh, hey, uh, Terrence, this is my friend, Calvin.

- What's up, Terrence? - Hello.

Hmm, firm shake there.

You strike me as a Columbia man.

- Am I right? - Uh, no.

I've been to Cabo.

Hey, don't sleep on those cruises.

They got everything.

This fellow's a riot.

Where is my brother? Up to his usual shenanigans, no doubt.

And get your money ♪ I got money coming ♪ I'm here.

And the party starts when? Now.

Jordan Wilton.

What's happening, fellas? Terrence.

Once again, Jordan, your punctuality is not your strong suit.

Oh, lighten up.

I'm on RPT.

That's Rich People Time.

I'm never late.

Well, then, you were tardy for yesterday's board meeting.

Yeah, you're right, man.

"Bored.

" Okay? Can you stop talking? I come bearing gifts.

I have here 24 karat gold golf tees.

24 karat gold? I'm-a commemorate my retirement with this.

All right, guys, we can talk business later.

Calvin, you're riding with me.

You two loving brothers are together.

Fine, but I don't want to listen to loud music with all that bass.

It's demeaning.

It shakes my insides.

Well, maybe I should turn up those heated seats, to loosen up your sphincter so that stick will fall out.

Wow.

Dave, you got to deal with people like that all the time? Well, yeah, I mean, I fix people's problems, so I get a lot of people with a lot of problems.

Well, I'm glad I just fix cars.

Cars don't talk back.

If all goes well, by the end of the day, they'll be as close as you and me.

You unhand me before I sue you again! Family does not sue family.

Wow, are you sure about that? Ah, you know, it's nothing.

I Remember when we first met? You wanted to put your house up for sale.

Look at us now.

- Dave, don't make me call my Realtor.

- All right.

Yeesh.

Are all of these clothes for the birthday party - that Grover's going to? - Yeah.

He couldn't decide what outfit he wanted to wear.

Oh.

Someone's got a crush.

What? No way.

Well, has he been taking a lot of showers lately without you telling him? Well, sure.

He has to wash off all that Axe body spray.

Oh, my God! My baby has a crush on a girl.

Oh.

I have to ask him about her.

Eh, uh, but be casual, because if you scare him away, he's not gonna talk to you about it.

Tina, I work with kids all day.

I know how to deal with them.

- I'll be smooth, girl.

- All right.

- Which shirt do you like? - Do you have a crush on a girl? Uh, yeah, real smooth.

What? No.

Okay, maybe I kind of like this girl named Molly Martin.

She's Andy's cousin.

Aw.

Is she pretty? Mom, can we just focus on the shirts? Which one? Oh, uh, right.

The blue one.

Okay, great.

The blue one's definitely out.

I'm gonna find Malcolm and Marty to get their opinion.

We should look up this Molly Martin girl on Instagram.

You know, you parents today got it easy.

Back in the day, I would've had to drive around the neighborhood yelling, "Does anybody know Molly? Is she cute?" Oh Yes.

Only missed it by a couple of inches.

Let's celebrate.

Calvin, I'm gonna treat you to a $10,000 cognac.

Did he say cognac or Pontiac? Either way, I want it.

All right, I'm going to negotiate with Terrence.

You keep Jordan occupied.

You ain't got to thr*aten me with a good time.

Hey, Terrence.

Looks like, uh, this one's gonna break a little bit left.

Well, thank you for your good counsel.

Here's some more advice.

You should talk to your brother.

You know, there's something about coming from the same womb that just, well, it bonds you, you know? No.

B-But I appreciate you trying to bring us together.

Even though it does conjure up images of my mother's anatomy.

Well, y-you know what, Terrence, you know what's so great about New York City? It's an island.

You can park your yacht anywhere.

Mm.

Hmm.

I hear you, Dave.

And I'll think about it.

All right.

Now, how you like that? I couldn't really tell.

I might need another one.

That's fine with me.

You know, I've never had this much money in my stomach before.

And I once swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Those were a rough couple of days.

So, off the record, my brother, he's like a nap with two legs, ain't he? Yeah, the guy's like an audiobook that you can't pause.

I nodded off on holes three and four.

You know what? You just earned yourself another sh*t.

Ho! Let's go.

- Oh, hold on.

- Hmm.

It's my boy Elon.

He wants to give me a new car.

Do you want a Tesla? Hell yeah, I want a Tesla, man! Switch.

- Your turn to putt with Terrence.

- N-No, no, Dave, we're just talking about my new Tesla that I - Switch! I said switch! - Okay.

Dave.

You don't have to get so loud.

I'm switching.

Aha.

I see you want to take part in this nectar? Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Uh, I think there's a time and place for everything, and you know what? There is a good time and place to think about what's best for your company.

Now, Jordan, I know you like to do things big.

But in Nashville, you could do 'em even bigger.

You know what that is? Huge.

You know what? Between the cognac, my head and your words, you're starting to make sense.

Ah.

Nah, it's the cognac.

So, your professional advice is that I should open up more auto shops? No, no, no, not you.

You should franchise them.

You make the little guy make you money.

Hmm? This is some good stuff, man.

I need to write this down.

Oh, don't worry about it, don't worry about it.

We'll-we'll discuss it all next weekend right here.

You know, I'll even share my secret on how I garnered my first billion.

Your first billion? I need to get me some little guys.

Calvin, we're cut from the same cloth.

Smart businessmen.

Not like my brother over there who flushes money down the toilet.

Seriously, he thinks it's good for the plumbing.

Yeah, he does spend money like a third world dictator, right? But without the fun little hat.

All right, little man.

Let's see the outfit.

- Oh - Okay.

Hey, see, this is the one.

You look good, man.

I'm trying to look cool, like J-Hope from BTS.

Molly loves him, but J-Hope's hair is straighter than mine, so I thought I could use this.

Mama's hair perm? Yeah, uh Grover, you can't use this.

Why? It says my hair will be flat and silky.

It's exactly what I want.

Uh, little boy, um hair straighteners have strong chemicals in them.

You can't mess around with this stuff.

Okay.

I'll put it back.

Man.

You know, today he's trying to look like J-Hope, and tomorrow it's Michael B.

Jordan.

Ah.

Well, I mean, let's be real.

We are all trying to look like Michael B.

Jordan.

Yeah.

Not bad.

Not-not bad.

Not-not bad.

Okay, all right, my turn.

I got one.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? Why? In case he got a hole in one.

I know.

I know it's corny, but it's good.

See that? Laughter truly is the best medicine.

L-Look at this.

Two titans of industry - finding common ground.

- Oh.

- To common ground.

- Yeah.

- To common ground.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey.

- You know, Jordan, I'm ready to work this out.

If you could just refrain from how did you put it, Calvin? Spending money like a third world dictator without the fun hats.

You said that? I got plenty of fun hats.

Look, I-I said it, but remember, tone is everything.

W-Well, maybe I misunderstand your tone when you said that my brother was so boring that you fell asleep on holes three and four.

I beg your pardon? You know, once again, tone, man.

You know? Tone.

Guys, guys, we were doing so well.

Let's be escalators and keep moving up.

Well, this escalator's going down.

You know what? I think Calvin's playing us.

Jordan, come on, man, I was just messing around I'm out! No Tesla for you.

You know, it's people like you who make people like us stay away from people like you.

Well, that took a turn.

No kidding.

I just lost a Tesla.

Look, Dave.

I know getting these two brothers together was important.

- Mm-hmm.

- I-I hope I didn't mess that up for you.

But those guys were ticked off.

Yes.

But the good news is, they're not ticked off at each other anymore.

Now they're mad at somebody else.

What did you do, Dave? No.

No, no.

Uh, not me, you.

Now I can use what's called strategic leverage.

A common enemy always brings people together.

Now we just need to get them to focus their anger at you.

I don't know, that sounds dangerous.

But, hey, that's okay.

Because if one of them fools put their hands on me, their company's going to be Wilton, Wilton and Calvin.

You can believe that.

Yes.

I found Molly's Instagram page.

Ooh.

Oh, she went to STEM camp.

- So she's smart.

- Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

This girl is 13? Okay.

Well, Grover's found himself a cougar.

- No - Oh.

Tina, that is not funny.

She's way too mature for Grover.

Oh, please, they're just a year apart.

U-Uh, a year is a lifetime at that age.

Girls are way more advanced.

In puberty years, she's a 33-year-old divorcée, newly single and ready to mingle.

Uh, Mom.

I think I did something wrong.

My head's itching and tingling.

What? What did you put in your hair? I took Miss Tina's straightener to flatten my hair.

Boy, you put my perm in your hair? You didn't see that whole Black lady on the box? - Now it's burning! Help! - Oh, no.

- What do we do? What do we do? - Okay, take him over to the sink.

- We got wash it out.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Okay.

O-Okay.

Uh - All right, bring it over, okay.

- Don't worry, baby.

Okay? - Here, I'll turn it on.

Okay.

- Don't worry, baby, it's gonna be fine.

- It's gonna be okay.

It will be fine, right, Tina? Uh, eventually.

Man, I can't believe the valet lost all of our car keys.

The incompetent plebs.

Siri, order me a helicopter to pick me up in 15 minutes.

Does Two-Face have to be here? More like the Joker.

You know the one who did the weird dance on the stairs.

Remember him? Oh, that is so funny.

You know what's not funny? When your ass is broke in two years, and the closest you'll get to a Tesla is when you're washing one.

Easy there, bro.

He's still family, and he has an emergency fund.

I-I forgot to tell you, uh, I spent that.

What? Yeah, yeah, uh, Calvin, ease up.

No, no, no, I'm keeping it real.

And you, Mr.

I Make Billions Off the Little Guy, how do you sleep at night? Hanging upside down? Wait a minute, now, you're talking to my brother.

You don't want any of this smoke.

Smoke? Man, I got cigars bigger than you.

You keep up with this defamation, you vulgarian, I'll tie you up in court so long, your grandchildren will need lawyers.

Way to go, T.

What? Now, look at that.

You guys can see eye to eye.

Now, why not come to an agreement on where the new factory should be built? - No.

- No.

Great, still on the same page.

Now, Jordan, why are you so stuck on New York? The nightlife, baby.

Okay, and, Terrence, what do you love about Nashville? The tax breaks, obviously.

Okay, well, is there any place that you guys could have both the nightlife and the tax break? - Vegas.

- Vegas.

- I said it first.

- But I thought it first.

It doesn't matter.

You guys came to an agreement.

And in the state of California, especially on a golf course, verbal agreements are binding.

Don't look it up.

You see what happens when you guys compromise? Too soon.

Don't ruin this, Calvin.

Did you really spend your emergency fund? Uh, way gone.

And some of yours, too.

- Well, thanks for your help, Calvin.

- Yeah.

And I'm sorry that they were so rude.

Hey, not a problem.

I just found out that this gold tee - is worth about eight grand, man.

- What? Give me that.

I got to tip my pilot.

Don't worry, Calvin.

I'll split mine with you.

Ah.

This is going back in the emergency fund.

Excuse me, miss.

Is their tab still open? We'll take four lobsters to go.

Okay? Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, don't skimp on the butter.

Ugh, I needed this.

I can't believe the miracle you pulled off on Grover's hair with just a pair of scissors and a Sharpie.

Ooh.

Well, I had to fill in that bald spot.

- Mm.

- I hope he didn't sweat.

It hurt my feelings a bit that Grover didn't want me to pick him up from the party.

I can't believe I won't be the most important woman in his life soon.

Yeah, he's growing up, but trust me, nobody can replace Mama, as long as you keep that fridge stocked.

Mom.

In here, honey.

- Yeah I'll come to you.

- Ah Don't be so desperate.

- Hey.

How was the party? - Fun.

Everybody liked my new look.

Including Krista.

What, what happened to Molly? Oh, yeah, I'm still talking to her, too.

Oh! Player.

There is nothing good to eat in here.

Uh Come on, little man.

Let's go get some real food.

Let's go to my mama's house.

You see what he said? My house.

See, trust me, as long as you keep a steady supply of deli meats and spray cheese in your fridge, he'll be yours forever.

You were pretty quiet on the ride home.

Even when "Livin' on a Prayer" came on.

You know, you should be proud.

You helped create a lot of jobs today.

Yeah, I know.

And I know that that's a good thing, but, man the Wiltons were exhausting.

And they just asked me to be their in-house mediator, and they're offering me a ton of money.

That's great news.

Why don't you tell your face? Well, because it's my heart that doesn't think that it's great.

Then buy a new heart.

Okay, for real, man.

What's going on? Look, all my clients are these rich people that I just I can't relate to.

Or, as Gemma calls them, "jackasses.

" You know, lately I've been volunteering at the V.

A.

, and I just wish that working with people like the Wiltons was as fulfilling as working with the veterans.

Well, if you enjoy it so much, why don't you try to get a job at the V.

A.

? You know, actually, they offered me a job.

But I don't know, the money's not as good, and obviously I have to think about my family.

Yeah, man, but you being happy is good for you, which is good for your family.

I mean, the way I see it, if you find a job you love, you never have to work a day in your life.

Wow, Calvin.

That's pretty good.

You just make that up? No.

No, it's right here on the back of this lobster bag.