05x10 - Welcome to the Getaway

[bunniefuu]

So, Dad, how's it feel being retired?

I'm not retired,

I just don't work anymore.

Isn't that the definition of "retired"?

Sure, I sold the Pit Stop, all right,

but I got a lot of irons in the fire.

Mark Cuban sold his company.

Do you call him retired?

No, because he owns a basketball team.

Yeah, and, like, 60 other companies.

And like a fool,

I invested in smartasses.

Oh, that's funny.

You know, I just had a thought.

Oh, she's been thinking

about this for a while.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe, Calvin, I'm just thinking

maybe now is a good time for you and I

to go on a vacation.

Oh, so much planning

went into this moment.

Remember when we didn't

take a honeymoon,

and you said we will

when we have the money?

Well, now we have the money,

and you don't have to worry

about leaving the shop

- with someone else.

- Hmm.

- She got him.

- Mm-hmm.

So now would be a perfect time

for us to take that

honeymoon we never had

but always dreamed of.

Madrid.

- She thinking international?

- Yes.

Imagine long strolls

down cobblestone streets,

wine and tapas at sunset.

- I do like small plates.

- Right?

Yeah, and how about naps in hotel beds?

I do like hotel beds.

Well, let's do it.

Definitely.

Definitely. But not right now.

You know, I started cleaning

out the garage, and, you know,

that's a whole thing,

that's gonna take a while.

So, you know.

Come on, Calvin, we never travel.

We just went to San Diego.

We took a two-hour car ride

so you guys could go to that

miniature engineering museum.

You remember that tiny crane?

It was so cute. It was so cute.

Come on, babe, we just

can't leave the country.

What if something happened

to one of our kids?

Like what, they lose a tooth?

They're grown-ass men.

And that Pit Stop is not

your problem anymore.

You know, I have been waiting decades

just to have you all to myself, and

you know what, I am tired of waiting.

Okay, Tina

Hey, come on, Pop.

Mom supported your dream of

growing your business for 30 years.

Now it's your turn

to support her dreams.

But I hate traveling.

It's so expensive,

there's always so many people around,

and there's never anything

to eat but Sbarro's.

They always promise

other things are gonna be open,

but it's only Sbarro's.

Daddy.

You got to do it. While you still can.

How old do you think I am?

Ah, goodness.

Your mother was really excited

about this trip idea, though, huh?

Yeah, and I guarantee those tickets are

pulled up on her computer.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Tina, baby?

Let's go eat tiny portions of meat.

Oh, baby, mmm-mmm-mmm.

Thank you!

Okay, our flight leaves

at 2:45 on Wednesday,

or as they say in España, miércoles.

Dave.

Oh, he's gonna be mad that we're

playing a board game without him.

- Hey!

- Oh, hey, guys, listen.

We were thinking, with your dad

retiring and all, that maybe we would

You guys playing Scrabble without me?

You challenge every word, Dave.

It is my right, Malcolm.

Anyway, we thought it would be nice

if we got your dad a present as

a congrats for selling the shop.

What if we got him a fondue set?

Or is that too obvious?

Ooh What if we got them a Jacuzzi?

It could be waiting for them in

their backyard when they return.

Hmm, Dad's not too into

sitting idly in hot water.

I can hear him now.

"What am I, some kind of

food cart hot dog?"

You know, Pop did mention

he was cleaning out the garage.

We could finish that job for him.

Oh. Yes.

We could clean it out and set it up

as a space for him to work on his cars.

A secret reno for a worthy recipient.

How HGTV of us.

If I've said it once,

I've said it a hundred times:

checking a bag is never a good idea.

You've said it a hundred times.

You remember when we went to

Kansas City, and they lost my luggage?

I had to flip my drawers every day

for a week.

- Okay

- Babe,

are we visiting Spain or moving there?

Well, I need nine daytime looks

and eight nighttime looks.

You need to learn to pack like me.

Two pairs of shorts, three shirts,

and ten pairs of drawers for safety.

Next.

Oh, good.

Are you checking any bags today?

Well, uh, my wife is.

I know better than to be separated

from my belongings.

Yeah, here we go.

Ma'am,

your bag is three pounds over the limit.

Really, Ronnie? I mean,

what are you, the pound police?

That's literally my job.

Okay, fine, I'll just take some stuff

out of my bag

and put it in yours. Okay

She couldn't see this coming?

All right, then. Okay, all right, fine.

I'll just take a few things out of here.

Okay, oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

What?

They touched the floor!

Calvin, my underwear touched

the airport floor!

Babe, babe, you are literally

yelling about your underwear

at the airport.

- Oh, my God. Ugh!

- What are you doing?

- Tina

- Okay.

Tina Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay. All right.

Tina, Tina

calm-calm down, babe, okay?

- All right, I'm gonna calm down.

- Just think,

now, in 15 hours

you'll be sipping sangria

under string lights, okay?

- Yeah. I like string lights.

- Yes, yes.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go.

All right, um, you hold that, hold that.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take this.

Whew, look at that. Nice and light.

So light.

Two pounds over.

Damn it, Ronnie, I swear,

you not gonna

Ronnie think I'm playing.

Everything in here is junk.

Uh, I'm sorry, you're calling

both of these VHS tapes

of Mighty Joe Young junk?

You know, this is the part

of the home reno show

where they hire somebody to come in

and do all this work for them.

Oh, that's a great idea.

I can call one of those

junk removal companies.

You guys move all this junk

onto the driveway,

we can go get brunch,

and by the time we get back,

all this stuff will be gone.

Wait a minute.

Are y'all really that lazy?

I am.

Oh, Mr. Butler,

we're gonna have to ask you

to check your carry-on.

Well, thank you for asking,

but my answer is no.

The flight is overbooked.

There's no more room

in the overhead compartment.

Well, I'll-I'll just stick it

under my seat.

Babe, just give her the bag

so we can get to Madrid.

- Please.

- Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you.

Okay.

Go. It's about to be some

tapas up in here.

Oh, we're gonna need

you to check your bag.

Look at this beautiful

junk-free driveway.

You know, calling the trash people

while we got brunch was brilliant.

All we had to do was eat biscuits.

Some of us didn't see the biscuits

until all the biscuits were gone.

Oh, wow, it is actually huge in here.

Okay, now the best man caves

always have themes.

Now, what are we thinking?

Tiki bar? Sports memorabilia?

Oh, actually, you know

what's really cool?

Swords.

Or, or, instead of swords,

maybe it could be "garage-themed."

Uh, Dad, where is Mr. Calvin's smoker?

It's in the driveway,

where it always is.

No, it's not.

What?

The smoker's not here.

Maybe they moved it so they'd have

easier access to the trash.

No, it's gone.

Maybe they thought it was trash.

You did put those piles

kind of close to the smoker.

You watched us move it all, Marty.

You didn't say any of that.

Hey, man.

Marty, don't you think

you should have been

a little more clear?

Well, David, don't you think you

should have put the trash further away

from Dad's most prized possession?!

Don't put this on me!

Oh, no, that's Mama.

Don't answer it.

Oh, there's no way I'm answering that.

- Oh, it's a video call.

- Don't answer it!

I have to, it's Mommy.

No, Marty, don't

Hi, Mommy.

What, your brother's sending me

to voice mail now?

Oh, no, no, I meant to hit

the green button, Mama.

I-I just wanted y'all to see

that your father's

on a actual plane. Look.

Hey! Hey!

The Butlers are international, baby!

Hey, where are y'all?

Uh, nowhere.

Yeah, no, we was out

here playing pickleball.

Hello, Calvin.

Shh! You know what, y'all

should go on airplane mode.

Have a great flight.

He's gonna k*ll us.

Okay.

You know what, I'll just

I'll just put it right up

under my seat, like I said.

No problem.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. Okay.

We did it.

I am so excited.

I can almost taste the paella.

Excuse me. Sorry. Uh, I'm the window.

Oh. Okay.

You got it, amigo.

- Yes.

- There you go.

All right. Good?

Here we go. All right. Come, boy.

Oh, you have a dog.

Oh. Oh, okay.

All right, there

you go. Okay, all right.

Okay. All right.

Where the hell is this horse going?

You know, this is my seat.

My-my seat comes with space for my legs.

Your dog is in my leg space.

You don't like dogs?

I like dogs fine.

Well, you can pet him if you like.

I don't like.

You need to take your seats now

so we can have an on-time departure.

- Sherlock, sit.

- Calvin, sit.

I can't take my seat because,

as a human who paid for my seat,

I have nowhere to put my human legs

because Shaggy here

is traveling to Spain

with Scooby-Doo.

This man does not like dogs!

Dog-ophobe!

No, no, no, he loves dogs.

He cried at Marley & Me.

You know what?

Since y'all like dogs so much,

then somebody switch seats with me.

- Yeah.

- Huh? Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Sir, I need you to take your seat.

We can't push away from the gate

until you're in your seat.

Sit down!

Oh, no. Oh, you know what?

I'll sit down when the moose moves.

Uh-uh. That bag was tagged

to be gate-checked.

It's in the system.

Well, just untag it.

It doesn't work like that.

Once it's tagged, it's tagged for life.

We're going to have

to open up the doors again.

And that will cause a delay.

- Well

- Nice work, Karen!

I-I I am not a Karen.

You know what?

I need to see your manager.

I don't I don't feel safe right now.

It's already in the landfill?!

You're supposed to repurpose this stuff!

No, I will not hold for a survey!

Well, I guess we're buying

Calvin a new smoker.

The old one was getting

kind of gross anyway.

Uh, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma,

one does not simply

replace Dad's smoker.

Yeah, that thing had 20 years

of seasoning on it.

That's why the food tastes so good.

Even the broccoli he cooked

on there tasted like brisket.

It's gonna ruin his vacation

when he hears.

- What the hell is wrong with you, man?

- Whoa what the hell, Dave?

Okay, we are not telling him, okay?

They are probably having the

time of their lives right now.

Flight 2355 to Madrid.

We appreciate your patience

in deplaning.

This is on you, dog hater.

I love dogs, lady.

I also love Earth, Wind & Fire.

I just don't want 'em under my seat.

Due to the delay

our flight crew has gone over

their allotted hours.

We are currently looking for a new crew.

Oh, wait. No! No, no, no, don't leave!

Y-You can work a little longer, right?

I-I mean, come on. Doctors do

surgeries for over 19 hours.

Y'all can push a little drink cart.

We'd also like to welcome passengers

from the recently-canceled

Flight 510 to Madrid.

Due to our combining

these flights, we are oversold

and offering $2,000 to any

passengers willing to be bumped.

Did you hear that, baby? What?

$2,000.

You're not really thinking

of taking that, are you?

I mean, Tina, for that kind of money,

we can get out of this hellhole

and go to Pechanga Casino.

I mean, maybe this is the universe

- trying to tell us something.

- Yes.

It's the universe telling me

I'm never getting my honeymoon.

You know, I'm going to go get

a glass of wine at Sbarro.

And this is the same as Dad's?

Same model.

This is so clean.

Did you buy this from a vegan?

Okay, guys, we're never going

to be able to pass this off.

I agree.

So I think we should all band together

and blame Dave.

What? Dave?!

- Mm-hmm.

- Marty is the one who made the call.

Let's blame him.

- Okay.

- Girl!

Okay, you know what?

How about we pin it on Grover?

There's no way my dad's gonna

hit a little white boy.

- Yeah.

- No!

None of you are thinking straight!

If you had watched HGTV, you would know

that this is the moment

where all seems lost.

And then they get the

perfect renovation solution.

We're going to antique this bad boy.

Wait. Will that work?

Yes, it'll work.

Gemma, go get a hundred burgers.

Marty, get a buttload

of hickory chips. Malcolm,

we're going to need a baseball bat.

No one sleeps until

this smoker looks like crap

and smells fantastic!

Excuse me. Excu-Excuse me.

I knew it. I knew.

$2,000 was just gonna be too tempting.

- Hold on, baby. Just

- No, no, no. You know what?

I have had enough, okay?

Let's just go home.

This has been a complete disaster.

Tina, it has been.

But that's why

I upgraded us to first class,

where, I assume,

all the dogs are inside purses.

Really, babe?

Are you sure, Calvin? This is expensive.

Yeah, well,

the universe spoke to me again,

and it said,

"You only get one honeymoon."

Baby. Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, uh,

my man, there's not a purse

in the world big enough for you.

Yeah.

Aah!

Grease it up, boy!

Wow. We did a great job.

That thing looks terrible.

Now for the final test.

Grover?!

What does this asparagus taste like?

Ribs?

Mmm. Babe, you would think

that the tiny portions would

mean there's not enough food,

but I have never eaten so much

in my life.

Ooh. Is it too late

in the day for a siesta?

You know, you look beautiful

in that dress.

Oh. Mm. And I love you in that shirt.

And I look forward

to seeing it three more times.

You know,

I've always been worried about

working so hard.

I I never took the time

to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

But

traveling the world

with my beautiful wife,

drinking good wine and eating

cheese I can't pronounce

This.

This is what I want.

Well, this

and playing golf with Ice Cube.

Well, it took 30 years, but

I finally got my boyfriend back.

Mmm. Mwah.

Well, maybe I like

being retired after all.

Well, you're going to really

love being retired in Fiji

'cause that's where we're going next.

Hmm.

I like Fiji. Yeah?

'Cause we won't need

any underwear there.

Surprise!

Oh, my.

Well, all right!

Hey.

Yeah. We wanted to do something

to say congratulations

on selling the shop.

Yeah, congrats, Pop. Now you can

still work on your cars.

Yeah, and just not get paid for it.

Y'all did all of this

while we were gone?

There was a lot of junk in here.

Oh, girl, we know.

- Yeah.

- Well, I must say, I am impressed.

- Thank you. Thank you, guys.

- Well,

we're glad you like it, and,

of course, there's your smoker,

exactly where you thought it would be,

totally unchanged,

like nothing happened at all.

- Pull-pull it back, Dave.

- Easy. Easy, Dave.

Pull it back, pull it back.

Come-come on back.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there's my baby.

I'm sure gonna miss her.

What?

What's that now? Huh?

Yeah. I won't be needing

that old smoker anymore.

I'm into wood grilling now.

- Yeah. that's how they do it in Spain.

- Yes.

A la brasa es delicioso.

You know what?

I'll just call one of those junk

removal companies to haul it away.