05x12 - Welcome to the Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

Bro!

This steakhouse for my bachelor

party tonight? Amazing!

We got a bourbon tasting, cigar lounge.

I'm telling y'all,

this is the kind of place where

there's a dude in the men's

room with mints and cologne.

Okay, well,

I better take some small bills,

because I don't want to pay

five dollars for a Tic Tac.

Have fun with your meats and cigars.

Us ladies will be right here

having cocktails and massages.

Well, all right, girls,

get your ladies' night on.

And enjoy these nights

while you can, Necie.

Once you have babies,

those nights are far and few.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Making you boys was fun as hell.

But raising y'all, now, that's

been an exhausting ordeal.

What are we supposed to say to that?

Just internalize it.

Marty, you haven't told

your parents we decided

not to have kids?

Well, not in so many words.

Or any words.

Come on, Marty.

Look, Necie is about

to spend the entire night

with a woman who's already picked out

six years' worth of

her grandkids' Easter outfits.

I know. You're right. I'll tell them.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe they'll be so

excited about tonight,

it won't even affect them.

Oh, you think so?

Hell nah. Barely believed it

as I said it.

Well, I'm looking good,

I'm feeling good,

and

and I'm smelling good.

I am so excited for tonight.

Yeah, about that.

Please keep in mind that tonight

is supposed to be Marty's night.

Yeah, of course I know that.

Do you?

What are you getting at?

I'm just saying, you don't

have a great history

at bachelor parties.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Dave, Kevin's bachelor party in Cancún?

Matthew's in New Orleans?

Gary's bachelor party that started

in Las Vegas and ended in jail?

It was a detention cell at the Bellagio.

I'm just saying, these events

bring out the worst in you.

That's why your friends

gave you the nickname.

Did they? I-I don't even remember.

The Douche.

This is supposed to be a nice night,

not an episode of Entourage.

I promise you,

I left that guy at the Bellagio.

There will be no a-douche.

What's a douche?

- It's nothing. Dave, stop.

- It's a feminine hygiene

- It's used to

- Dave, tap out. Tap out. Tap out.

Never mind. I'll just go

ask the Internet.

Knock, knock.

Hey. Lookin' spiffy, Dad.

Well, that settles that.

Uh

Uh, can I talk to you both for a sec?

Well, can't it wait until

we're out of the bathroom?

No, because I might chicken out.

So, you know how Necie

and I are an unconventional,

modern couple with bold sensibilities

that don't conform to outdated norms?

Is one of those outdated norms

getting to the point?

So, Necie and I discussed

the idea of having kids, and

we realized that we don't need children

in our lives to feel complete.

It's the decision that we've made,

and we hope that you can respect it.

You So

Okay.

So, how's that landing

on everyone? Mama?

Oh, I didn't know you were finished.

Thanks for letting us know.

That's it?

Oh, I do have one more thing to say.

You boys have fun tonight.

We will.

Uh, you too, Mama.

Thanks. Thanks for being

so cool about this.

All right, now. Okay.

Babe, are you sure

you're good with this?

Would you look at this mirror.

It is filthy.

Okay, Tina, that's not

what I'm talking abo

You know, I'm gonna get my

rubber gloves and some bleach.

Oh, damn.

- Ooh, Calvin, listen.

- Oh, good, listen.

- Let me tell you Oh.

- I need to, uh No.

- Oh, sorry. No, you go.

- You go.

- No, you go. Okay.

- Go, go, go. Go.

Okay, um

Can you keep an eye on Dave tonight?

He's not gonna try to rap again, is he?

He might.

Bachelor parties are a trigger for him.

When he gets around alcohol

and male bonding, he turns into

There's no nice way

to say this: The Douche.

Huh. Okay, well,

we got bigger problems because

Marty just told us that he and

Necie don't plan to have kids.

Oh, my God. How did you guys take it?

Well, I was disappointed, but I get it.

But Tina?

Did she scream?

Ha! I wish.

Tina's got three stages

of crazy before she loses it.

One, she gets really quiet.

Two, she obsessively cleans.

And three, she laughs at

stuff that's not even funny.

Hey, girl!

You ready to get your massage on?

Stage two?

And hopefully we hold there.

At least I know my house

is going to be spotless.

Yeah.

We have ants. So many ants.

Whoa, whoa.

Wh-What happened to the limo I ordered?

The limo didn't have no stripper pole.

That was the point, Trey.

Oh, check it out.

It's about to be insane!

You're welcome.

Trey, this bus better be taking

us to that classy steakhouse.

- It is.

- Where we are going to have

a classy bourbon tasting.

- Yes.

- And no strippers.

Well, now I got to make a call.

Oh. Come on, man.

I'll tell you, if these seats

are sticky, I'm taking an Uber.

Dave, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Fine.

What are you doing, man?

It's just a bus.

A party bus.

Oh, boy.

- Hey, Necie, what's up?

- Miss Tina.

This is my friend Bree.

Hi. So nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Make yourself at home.

So, Necie

- Huh? What?

- Oh, Tina, this is so interesting.

Did you know Bree

has some big, big news?

She's about to be on

Broadway and In the Heights.

- Oh, is that right?

- Uh-huh.

Anyways, Necie,

I have a question for you.

Have you ever seen a pair of boots

in the store and said,

"I don't want those boots,"

but later you think,

"I wish I'd bought them"?

So you go back to the store,

but it's too late,

the boots are gone, and now

all your friends have boots,

but you're too old

to have boots? You know?

I'm sorry, what is the question?

Well, I was trying to ask

Okay, ready for the first two massages.

Oh, thank God. Bree,

Necie, you guys go first.

- Oh, I don't have to go

- No, go, go, go, go.

You know what? This bus isn't so bad.

Man, you know what? It is kind of fun.

Yeah, man.

Whoa! Okay, then.

Uh, why is this pole warm?

Wait a minute. Was it just used?

No, man.

The heater pole is a feature.

I'm gonna need hand sanitizer.

I got you.

What?

This thing is full of Jell-O sh*ts!

Oh, boy.

Well, all right!

What are you doing, Trey?

Jell-O sh*ts?

Are we pledging a sorority?

I guess one won't hurt. Yeah, to Marty.

To Marty.

All right.

I think someone put

alcohol liquor in these.

You know, things went

so well with Mom and Dad,

I'm actually in a Jell-O sh*ts mood.

Hey, Dave? Dave, I thought

we agreed to one sh*t.

Yes, one green sh*t. These are purple.

This must be Jell-O, because

jam don't shake like that!

- Let's go, boys!

- Hey

Marty, I didn't think

this night could get any better.

But there's a Snorlax in this room.

Okay, okay, use your lucky

Poké Ball to catch them,

but don't let my brother

see what you're doing.

- Hey, what's up?

- Whoa! Uh

Looking at sports!

- Sports.

- Sports.

Okay. Yeah.

Ah, what a night.

Out on the town with my boys,

enjoying steaks, whiskey and cigars.

Manly men manning it up.

Daddy! Help me, it's in my lungs!

Boy, it's not even lit.

But it's about to be!

Marty, your friend is so cool.

Gentlemen, who here has

done a bourbon tasting before?

Oh, uh, Montez and I are familiar.

M-Montez, where are you at? Hey, Montez.

Dave, Dave, would you calm down, man?

Hmm. Uh-oh.

Dad's mad.

Now, the reason we use snifters

is: it concentrates the nose.

And if you give it a little swirl

Mmm!

My tummy is a-toasty.

Maybe I should just go ahead

and take your dinner orders.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Ooh, I got you.

Simone, tomahawk steaks

all around. Rare.

Still mooin'. Derek, can I get a moo?

Moo!

Yeah, Derek!

Uh, no, no, no. No mooing.

Simone, I don't want my steak rare.

I want it well-done.

All right? No mooing at all.

Dead.

Only thing red I want to see

on my plate is ketchup.

Dudes, what are we doing?

Marty is about to get married,

and we're just sitting here

like a bunch of babies at a baby shower.

What?

What is going on?

Trey, is there a club in the back?

Oh, my God.

I'm just as shocked as you are.

The bachelor party gods have spoken.

And they have said, "Let it be lit."

- No, no, Dave, Dave

- Dave, Dave, Dave

And so it was!

Trey, don't. No, no.

Okay. Listen, guys,

I got to go in there and get them.

I promised Gemma

that I wouldn't let Dave

go off the deep end.

I got to go get him.

Yo, it's been a minute

since Dad was in a club.

Well, don't worry about Pops.

He can handle himself.

Uh-uh, no, no, no.

He's on his own. The Douche is loose.

So, Bree seems nice.

Who?

Necie's friend.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Great, great.

Oh, you know,

I bet if we went to New York,

she could get us house seats

to In the Heights.

Oh, that'd be so fun, right?

I haven't been to New York

since high school.

Mmm.

Not to brag, but I was in Model UN.

I represented the country of Cameroon.

Tina?

Oh, crap.

Isn't this great, Bree?

I can't remember

the last time I had a massage.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you should

treat yourself more often.

Miss Tina?

I'm so glad we're

going to have a chance to chat.

You know what?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Dudes, you have got to come in there.

Dave, where'd you get the tiara?

Hmm? Oh, it's a crown.

I'm royalty in there.

Derek, come on.

Okay, but don't lose me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, guys, guys, guys, come on.

Come on. Look, sit down. Okay?

Wait, look. My pops is trying

to give a speech. Come on, Dave.

You're right. Sorry.

Uh, Derek, sit down.

Show a little respect.

Calvin, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Dave.

Uh, I'd like to propose

a toast to my son Marty.

Hey.

I mean, it seems like

only yesterday I was holding you

in my arms for the very first time.

Next thing you know,

you were a little kid

on my shoulders at the zoo,

just going on and on

with your penguin facts

while your snow cone dripped on my head.

But I just let it drip because I never

wanted you to stop telling me things.

The amount of joy that you

and Malcolm have given me,

it's just been amazing.

The Christmas mornings,

the school projects,

even the broken arms.

I wouldn't change one minute

of it for anything.

Now you're getting married.

That means I got to let you go. So

To my baby boy Marty.

I love you, son. I love you, man.

Ah

I want babies!

I want snow cone juice

to drip on my head.

I want babies so bad.

Mmm.

What's that scent?

Huh, I think it's lavender.

Ooh, I think you're right.

While we're on the subject

Why do you hate kids?

What? I love kids.

I'm godmother to both of Bree's kids.

Who the hell is Bree?

The woman you kicked off

the massage table.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

th-the one from Hamilton.

I mean, what is it?

Is it about your career?

Traveling?

Do you have a bad relationship

with your mother?

I love my mother.

I think we'll take a five.

Is it your body? Because

I can carry the baby.

My doctor says I have the uterus

of a 24-year-old.

Miss Tina

there are so many things

I want to do with my life.

Being a mother just doesn't

happen to be one of them.

I just don't get it.

How could you not want to be a mother?

It's just who I am.

How could you not want to be a boxer?

Come on now, that's totally different.

Mm, they both hurt.

Tell me about it.

But children, they-they bring

so much laughter and-and joy.

Marty brings me so much

laughter and joy.

Yeah, okay, but Marty is

We love each other,

and we're happy

with the choice we've made,

even if it's not the choice

you would've made.

You're right.

I've been putting my dreams on you,

and that's not fair.

I guess I was just a little surprised

when Marty told us.

He always talked about being a dad.

Really?

Look around. Look at all these toys.

I've been trying to throw

these toys out for years,

but Marty would never let me.

He says, "Mom, they're classics."

He wanted to save them for his kids.

I guess, um, this news

caught me a little off guard.

Marty never told me that.

You know, I owe you an apology.

I don't know if you noticed, but, uh,

I've been a little crazy this evening.

Will you forgive me?

- No, Tina, stop.

- What?

Oh, you're hugging. Phew. As you were.

Hey, uh, Marty.

The things I said in my toast

Listen, I wasn't trying to

No, it's-it's okay, Dad.

Okay.

That was my favorite thing

you've ever said to me.

Even though it was Malcolm at the zoo.

- Really?

- Yup.

Marty hated penguins.

Scared the hell out of me.

They still do. But

you're still the best dad

a guy could ask for.

And hearing how much being a father

meant to you, I want that.

Are you sure?

Because I feel like I should've

just kept my big mouth closed.

No, I'm sure.

You know, I told myself

I didn't want kids,

but I was lying to myself

and to Necie.

So who cried at Six Flags?

That was you, right?

- Yup, yup, that was me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that was definitely Marty.

- Okay.

Remember he was scared

on the roller coaster?

No, you pretended

the safety bar wouldn't latch.

- And he cried, he was crying.

- He was crying.

"Daddy, get me out of here."

Oh, the guys are here.

Derek, me, you, Frisbee golf,

next weekend. Montez,

blow up my DMs, please.

I see you met The Douche.

Yup.

- Not a fan.

- Uh-uh.

Ooh. Okay, babe,

you are not gonna believe this,

but Necie and I just talked, and

I'm actually okay

with them not wanting babies.

Well, I got news for you.

Marty actually does want babies.

He does?

Hmm.

Uh-oh.

Necie, hey.

Hey.

You guys have fun?

Yeah, yeah. You?

Yeah, yeah.

Look, I think we should talk.

Yeah, I was just about

to say the same thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dudes.

Oh, God, here he comes.

Go in the house. Go, go, go, go.

Dudes, dudes. Where are we going?

I thought we were gonna go out

and slam some waffles.

Dave, come on, let's go home.

Let's go home, buddy. Come on.

Hey, Derek, check this out.

This is who I'm married to.

- Smokeshow.

- Okay.