05x15 - Welcome to the Next Big Thing

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Ah, you sure are working on

your truck a lot these days.

Well, a classic truck

like this needs a lot of TLC.

It's keeping you pretty busy, huh?

What's your point, Dave?

No point. Just Just an observation.

Good. So you're not

going to say anything else?

Nope.

Just can't help but wonder

if it's because you sold the Pit Stop.

Sure, you made a nice chunk

of change, but now your future

is just one big question mark,

looking off into the abyss.

Well, I was looking into my

engine before you bothered me.

My rocker arms are knocking.

I just need to adjust

my harmonic balancer.

You know, Calvin

those are made-up things, aren't they?

No, they're not, Dave.

Look, I just sold

the Pit Stop a minute ago.

I'm-a find my next thing.

But who are you to judge?

You built a birdhouse with a door on it.

Birds can't open doors.

It is not a birdhouse.

It is a little library.

It's a great way for neighbors

to share books

and build a better sense of community.

And it is a great father/son project.

Can I put stickers on it?

- No.

- Can I use the hammer?

- No, no.

- Can I paint it orange?

- Oh, no.

- Can I touch it?

Grover, no.

Cherish these moments, Grover.

Will you look at that.

It's a copy of my book.

You wrote a book? Well, good for you.

Uh, why is this the first time

I'm hearing about it?

Well, you know, I don't like

to go around bragging

about being a published author.

Came out years ago.

The Unboxed You:

How to Get Out of the Box You're In

and Into the Box You Need.

By the time I'm done reading the title,

I'm done reading for the day.

That's too bad, because I think

that book could really help you.

(CHUCKLES) Did you sell a lot of copies?

Well You know, with a book like this,

it's not really about sales numbers.

It's more about metrics,

like reach and influence.

So that's a no?

You know what? I'm going

to put a copy in the library.

(LAUGHS) Okay. Dave,

is that why you built that?

So that you could put

your book in there?

Please.

So that's a yes.

Marty? What are you doing here?

Isn't today a workday?

Yes, Father, but I've decided

to redefine what a workday

is for myself.

Oh.

He's mad at JPL for

blowing off his great idea,

whatever that thing was.

It was a prototype for a balloon to send

into the atmosphere

of Venus to collect samples

And I love it.

Yeah, well, they didn't.

So as an act of personal empowerment,

I am quiet quitting.

You quitting that good job?

No, I'm quiet quitting.

I don't care how loud you do it

I'm-a still need you to pay rent.

Quiet quitting is a thing now, Dad.

Yeah, it's all the rage. It's like, um,

streaking for millennials.

It is nothing like streaking.

No, it-it's a social

economic movement where

if you don't feel appreciated at work,

you don't give them your heart and soul.

You do the bare minimum.

That way, you leave the rest

of the day open to do things

you find truly rewarding.

So, what are you doing?

It's mostly playlists.

But, but I'm opening my

mind to finding that thing

that truly fulfills me, because

my job isn't doing it right now.

So you ghosting your career?

How do you know ghosting, but

you don't know quiet quitting?

TINA: There he is.

There's my big scholar.

I'm just taking a couple of classes, Ma.

- Mwah.

- Mwah.

Aren't you embarrassed, Marty?

Here you are "quiet

quitting" your career.

And your brother's going back to school,

finishing his degree.

Wait a minute.

Uh, I'm the role model now?

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

That's in your face!

sh**t.

Nobody's borrowed my book yet.

The library's only been up for a day.

I bet the neighbors

haven't even noticed it yet.

Gemma, did you leave

this vampire book in there?

This is hot, smutty garbage.

I'm loving it!

So people have taken your books.

That's nice.

What's wrong with Dave?

He wrote a book a few years ago

and it didn't sell,

and now no one's even taking

it out of his free library.

Aw, let me see it.

The Unboxed You:

How to Get Out of the Box You're In

and Into the Box You Need.

- Ooh, wow. It's really

- I know, I know.

I just wish somebody would check it out.

(SIGHS)

Good luck because, honestly,

it looks kind of boring.

Well, the cover's not great,

but the book's really good.

- Somebody might enjoy it.

- I doubt it.

Tina, please, just take the book!

I'm telling y'all,

it's the next big thing.

An oxygen lounge?

Yes!

All I got to do is knock

out that back wall,

build out a quiet lounge area,

and fill it with cool, clean oxygen.

So what am I breathing right now?

Air.

Doesn't air have oxygen?

I don't know, Calvin.

I'm not a scientist.

All I know is people will pay me

to let them sit in the room and breathe.

Well, Que, what's stopping you?

I'm just looking for

a little seed money.

Why are you looking at me?

Well, I know you're looking

for the next thing.

And when you sold the Pit Stop,

you got Diddy money.

Well, Diddy didn't get rich

by selling air.

Now, "diddy"?

When I become the king of oxygen,

you'll be begging to get in.

Oh, Que, will you stop

pressuring Calvin?

Look, is he looking for a reason

to get out of bed in the morning?

Absolutely.

Is there a great book out there

that might help him find

his way? You know it.

Is he looking at me in a way that

suggests that I should stop talking?

Definitely.

Look, Calvin,

Que's idea is clearly stupid.

But if you're looking to invest

in a trailblazing idea,

I've got it.

It's a new kind of dating app.

Oh, Lord.

Hold on. Trent, let's hear it.

Okay, so you know how

all these dating apps

are just a free-for-all,

people swiping left and right?

Well, what if there was an app

with a concierge where

they cut through the clutter

and find the right girls for you?

And you would be that concierge?

You already know.

So people would pay you

to find the girls?

And I will pay the girls

a percentage of what I make.

I might be mistaken, but, um

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wouldn't that make you a pimp?

Would you say that to eHarmony?

It's an app, Dave. I'm calling it

Trey's List.

Of prostitutes.

Nah, that name's too long.

Hi, Professor Pinkler?

Uh, no, I am not the professor.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Malcolm. I'm a student.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you are?

Yes, I am. I'm, uh,

back to finish my degree.

Just took a little break.

Oh, to raise a family?

No, to play baseball. But thank you.

Oh, hello. You must be Dean Ramilton.

They told me you'd be dropping by.

No, I am not the dean.

(CHUCKLING): I'm a student.

Oh, uh, continuing education?

No, regular student.

Ah. G.I. Bill.

Thank you for your service.

No, no, no, I'm not a soldier, okay?

I-I'm a baseball coach. At this school.

And we are 11-2, so

All y'all are welcome.

Wow, pencils.

You got an abacus in there, too?

All right, people, welcome.

I'm Dr. Pinkler.

Please open your Blackboard app

and on the right-hand drop-down menu,

you can mark yourselves present,

then open the syllabus tab

and select "review."

So what's Blackboard?

It's an app.

You need your login.

It's in your portal.

Right. (CHUCKLES)

I have a portal?

Uh-oh, Mr. Malcolm's confused.

(LAUGHTER)

Mr. Malcolm? I am not a mister, okay?

And I am not confused.

I just Uh, I don't have the thing

to put my number in and make the

other thing open and drop down.

Can someone help this man?

He's a veteran, for God's sake.

I am not a vet

Whatever, man.

Can you?

Well, my car battery is almost

completely out of juice,

and I can't install

a charger at my house

because my landlord is too cheap

to upgrade the electrical panel.

(SCOFFS) Well, your

landlord sounds smart

and handsome.

Dad, come on.

I thought you charged your car at work.

Well, yeah, I used to,

but now I'm going in later,

so all the charging

spaces are already taken.

You see, I told you

to buy a real car, but no.

You all worried about the environment.

Yes, I am.

There's no way I'm ever

going back to a gas car.

Electric cars are the future.

Well, here in the present,

looks like your ass ain't going nowhere.

Oh, hey, Malcolm, how was

your first day of class?

I don't want to talk about it, Mama.

Ooh! Yeah, I know that one.

That's what I used to say when

I got picked on in elementary school.

And middle school. And high school.

And the first semester of college.

But then I found my friend group.

Yeah, well, they clowned me

for being old.

They gonna ask me if I

stop my car with my feet.

(LAUGHTER)

Like Fred and them.

(LAUGHTER)

It is not funny.

Wilma! (LAUGHTER)

Stop that. Leave my baby alone.

Yeah, well, then they all went

out for burgers without me.

Oh, man, they were probably just

worried about your cholesterol.

(LAUGHTER)

Gemma!

Someone checked out my book.

What? Really?

- Oh, that's great news, honey.

- Yeah.

You know, Calvin, I'm telling you,

you should really check it out.

It is finally finding its audience.

You know what?

I should probably put more out.

I hope I have extra copies.

Mm-hmm. Oh, you have three

boxes full of them.

Which is crazy,

considering how good it is.

You know, Calvin,

what you're going through,

it's very common.

After a big life change, like like

like the end of a career,

you know, it's very normal to feel lost.

Is it normal to feel really annoyed?

I'm just saying, it is

all covered in chapter seven:

"Take the I Out of Failure

and Put It Into Success."

Where? At the end?

"Successi"?

I'm serious, Calvin.

Let me give you a copy.

It could really help you.

I-I don't need your help.

Well, maybe you just don't know it yet.

Now, see, this is what you always do.

You decide that I have a problem,

and then you decide

that you have the answer.

It's condescending.

Is it really?

See, there you go.

You're doing it right now.

Don't you slam your little door on me.

So, if we're talking about

the Harlem Renaissance,

then you cannot leave out Langston

Hughes and Zora Neale Hurston.

Somebody read the material.

Somebody was probably there.

Right, Malcolm?

No, Kiefer, not right.

Hey, Malcolm.

Oh, are you on a Zoom?

No, it's okay. I

Ah, I put it on mute.

Okay, well, Mommy

brought you a study snack.

Ooh, yeah. (LAUGHS)

You are the best, Mama. Ants on a log.

Ooh.

Are those the kids

that were mean to you?

Yep, that's them.

Especially Kiefer, in the upper left.

Right there.

You know what, Malcolm?

If they don't want to be friends

with you, that's their loss.

You're smart and you're sweet

and you have a lot to offer.

You think so, Mama?

I know so, baby.

Oh, love you.

Mmm, I love you more, Booby Butt!

(LAUGHTER)

All right, well, enjoy!

- Okay.

- Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Oh, oh. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Mm.

- That's pretty good.

- KEIFER: Looks it.

I am not on mute, am I?

No.

Oh, damn, man. Oh.

Maybe I am old.

Still not on mute.

Oh, damn!

Grover, I'm not giving

you $30,000 for candy.

Not candy. Crypto candy.

I heard you were looking to invest,

and trust me, you want to

be in on the ground floor.

Here. I'm going to give you five

dollars to get off my porch.

Go on, now.

(SIGHS)

I am so tired of everybody

hitting me up with their silly ideas.

If I wanted to waste my money,

I'd start a record label.

(LAUGHS): What?

What is Dave's book doing here?

Gemma asked me to take it

out of his little library.

No one else would.

Are you surprised?

I mean, what kind of advice is this?

"A kernel of an idea

is like a kernel of corn.

It's never going to pop if

you don't get it off the cob."

You know what?

This is weird, even for Dave.

- What are you doing?

- Going through the footage

from our doorbell camera.

- Why?

- Because I put out three more copies

of my book and they've all been taken.

I want to see who my fans are.

Dave, no! No.

Respect their privacy.

They took your book

because they need help.

You don't want this

to turn into a-a HIPAA thing.

- Is that you?

- No.

Then why did you slam my laptop?

HIPAA?

Marty? Why'd you take an Uber?

Because, Dad, my car's battery

isn't holding a good charge anymore.

I had just enough juice

to make it to the mall,

where half the charging spaces

were broken

and the other half were occupied

by gas guzzlers!

Hey, I only park there

because it's closest to the door.

What?

Anyway, replacing the battery

is going to cost a fortune

at the dealership.

So take it somewhere else.

There isn't any place else.

No one else services them.

Huh. So

they get to charge you an arm and a leg

because they're the only game in town?

Exactly.

Huh.

What?

Marty, electric cars

are my corn on the cob.

Daddy, do you need to lie down?

No, your charging situation

gives me a kernel.

Now, we need to shuck that kernel

and pop that thing.

Let me get you a cold cloth.

- Mama!

- Okay.

Marty, listen. Look, I'm fine.

All right? Just think about it.

For the first time in human history,

there are old electric cars.

All right? And the only

people that service them

are the overpriced dealerships.

So, somebody's going to fill that gap

and make a lot of money.

Oh, my God. Are you a genius?

Are you just realizing that now?

- Hey, Malcolm.

- Okay, what you got?

How old am I today, huh?

What, did I save Private Ryan?

Did I have a beeper?

Malcolm, about that. We feel awful.

I thought we were just joking around.

Now we realize

there's nothing funny about bullying.

Y'all didn't bully me, okay?

I am a grown-ass man.

It's okay, Malcolm.

We heard what your mom said.

We made you feel different. Less than.

We would cancel ourselves if we could.

Oh, canceling is when

I know what canceling is.

Okay, people, take your seats.

The servers are down,

so you're going to take

your quiz on Scantrons.

Oh, man.

- Uh, Malcolm?

- Yeah?

Could we borrow pencils?

Well, I guess, uh,

they don't have pencils in your portals?

The reason no third-party

garages fix electric cars

is the companies each have

their own operating system.

- And that's a problem?

- Well, not for me.

If you give me their motherboard,

I can reverse-engineer

the software and mod the UI.

- And that's good?

- That's great.

Well, all right.

Come on, Marty, let's put our

heads together, you know?

I mean, you're tech savvy,

and I'm savvy about business

- And people and mechanics

- Mm-hmm.

And marketing and looking

good and dressing well.

- Charisma, you know?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I get it, Daddy, I get it.

But, you know, why has this

never occurred to us before?

Because we've been

stuck in our own boxes.

Think of it like the jungle gym.

The great idea is up there at the top,

and there are lots of ways to get there.

But sometimes the best route

is to go sideways

and find a different path.

(CLAPPING)

Oh, damn.

You read my book.

Chapter six: "The Jungle Gym

of Inspiration."

Wait, is that where

the corn kernel came from?

Ha! You read chapter 12, too?

- I knew it!

- Okay, all right.

You know, I may have skimmed it.

It was a'ight.

It was a'ight.

That's the nicest thing

you ever said to me.

$30,000 for candy that doesn't exist?

Well, it exists. You just can't eat it.

Why not?

Because it's in the met a verse.

So if I want my candy,

I got to drive to the met a verse?

No, you can't drive there.

It's on the Internet.

But you can sell your

candy to somebody else

for much more than it's worth.

But what's it worth?

Today, nothing.

B-But tomorrow, who knows?

Boy, if you weren't Gemma's son

Here.

Take this five dollars

and get off my porch.

Go on, now.

(SIGHS) Works every time.