05x16 - Welcome to the Jungle

[bunniefuu]

(scratching)

Calvin.

Calvin.

- Calvin!

- Yeah, what? What?

- What?

- Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Did I wake you?

You could've woke the dead, Tina.

Do you hear that scratching?

(scratching) What? That?

Shh! Don't talk!

(scratching) That.

I don't know. M-Maybe

it's a spider or something.

Spiders don't make noise.

All right, well, it sounds like

it's coming from the kitchen.

It's got to be Malcolm and Marty.

At 5:00 in the morning?

With all that legal weed

out there? Absolutely.

I don't know, Calvin.

It-it sounds like it could be an animal.

Could you just go look?

Hey, I'll look when I get up, okay?

Oh, baby, I don't All right.

(whimpers)

(grunts) (sighs)

(scratching)

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, no, no.

Baby, please.

I cannot sleep with that.

Just-just go check it out.

(sighs) Fine.

I mean, you know

But once I brush my teeth,

that's usually it for me.

(grumbling)

So much for gender equality.

Thank you, baby.

- CALVIN: Whoa! (crashing)

- What?!

- Get out! Get out of here!

- What, what, what, what?

- Get out of here!

- What, what?

- (glass shattering)

- Oh, you picked the wrong house tonight.

Babe?

- Babe, you good?

- (crashing) Give me back my slipper!

Slipper? Oh. All right.

Well, it sounds like you got it.

(crashing)

Welcome to the block,

welcome to the neighborhood ♪

Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God.

- What was it?

- I don't know, baby.

Either it was a large

raccoon or a small panda.

Well, did you have to

make this big a mess?

I didn't do it. That thing did.

Look, babe, when I came in

here, that's when he saw me.

And then we squared off, right?

Now, he had eyes as red as the devil.

So then, so then I hit him with

the two-piece. Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey. So then, but he's like,

"Oh, what's up? What's up with that?"

Then I was like, "Oh!" So then,

so then he came at me, right?

So then I grabbed him, I was like,

ugh, and I put him in a full nelson.

And I was choking him, he's like, "Aah!"

And I was choking him. But then,

but then he flipped me back over.

So then he started choking me,

and I was like, "Get off me."

But his hands was too small

to go around my whole neck

so he couldn't get around my whole neck.

So then I hit him with the Ice Cube,

I was like, "Yo, we got a problem here?"

Right? So then,

then he came running at me.

I grabbed him, I

flipped him around here,

and I field-goaled

him out the front door.

Whew.

Oh, my God!

There's footprints in my lasagna!

Well, what does the

pest control guy say?

Well, nothing, babe.

I'm still hearing the hold music,

but I ain't mad because

they playing the Whispers.

Calvin.

Can you call another company?

Babe, I'm a half hour

invested on this one.

If you can't get a pest

control guy on the phone,

I'm calling a Realtor, and if

he answers first, we're moving.

- (stammering): Wait, hold on.

- I'm not doing this.

- Whoa-whoa-whoa, bab-baby

- I'm not doing

Representative.

Representative. Representative.

Agent.

Operator.

Person.

Yes, English.

Or Spanish? ¡Nosotros!

♪

Don't mean to be pest-imistic,

but, uh

it was definitely a raccoon.

So we're going to put

down like 16 bear traps?

We could, if you sign a waiver saying

we're not responsible for

anybody losing a leg or a child.

Well, we don't have a

child, so where do we sign?

Tina, what are you doing?

You're just throwing all this food away?

I'm not eating raccoon-touched food.

Have you ever seen a

raccoon wash his hands?

They actually do. There's this

great video on YouTube where

Oh, oh, yeah, I seen that.

'Cause they look like little

people. They like (humming)

(both laugh)

- You mind if I check inside?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Uh, look at all this food

you're wasting. You know, Tina,

I recently started composting.

Yeah, I know.

For a man with a job, you spend

a lot of time digging in my garbage.

Tina, did you get my text?

Probably.

Child, I didn't look. What?

(laughs)

School's canceled today 'cause

of the fires up in the mountains.

- Air quality is unsafe for the kids.

- Oh.

That never happened in Hickory Corners.

We had closures for

blizzards, tornadoes, frogs.

Frogs?

After the tornadoes, it

would actually rain frogs.

Gemma, where are you from?

The Book of Leviticus?

We had really nice Octobers.

I know today was the day

you were going to post

the casting decisions for the

spring musical, but you'll

Wow, a raccoon did all of this?

Calvin helped.

- Hey.

- PEST CONTROL GUY: Okay, it's looking like

your point of entry is your chimney.

We can put a mesh cap at

the top to inhibit access.

Ooh, let's put two in for

safety and electrify it.

So this mesh thing is

gonna stop the raccoons?

And Santa Claus.

(laughs)

'Cause, you see, 'cause

the chimney is where

- that's where Santa comes down.

- Yeah.

Hilarious. I get it.

Truth is, if they want in,

they're gonna find another access point.

Best thing to do is to figure out what's

attracting them in the first place.

Some new food source around

Fruit trees, dumpsters?

Dave!

Dave?

Do you know what your

compost is doing? Ooh!

I have been waiting

for you to ask me that.

I'm returning organic waste to the soil

instead of letting it rot in landfills.

Well, guess what.

It's attracting raccoons.

Aw. You know, composting brings

all the creatures together.

Not "aw." One of them

broke into my house,

and now I don't have a left slipper.

What am I supposed to

do with one slipper? Huh?

Hello, Mr. Raccoon.

Come get your other slipper!

♪

Mama, where's all the food?

I'm not keeping any food in this house

after some rodent trampled all over it.

Well, actually, uh,

raccoons are not Rodentia,

they are Carnivora.

Which is kind of a misnomer

because they're omnivorous, so

(chuckling)

Yo, Marty. Read the room.

Wait, so are you saying there

is no food in this house?

Looks like you'll have to eat at home.

But we don't have food at home.

I mean, we knew this day would come.

You think you'll be ready

for it, but you're not.

Okay, look, we're all going

to need food, all right?

Why don't you guys go

pick up some takeout?

- Oh, okay.

- MALCOLM: Okay.

Got you, Mama. Whatever you want. Uh

Credit card?

- It's our treat.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey.

About those auditions

for the spring musical.

You know that seventh

grader Cooper Brockwell?

You were probably wondering

if he's the same Brockwell

as in the school's Brockwell

Performing Arts Center.

I wasn't wondering.

Oh, good.

But he is.

Oh, so wait a minute.

Are you saying that I have

to cast this Brockwell kid

because his parents

paid for the theater?

Grandparents.

His parents paid for the library.

And no, of course I'm not saying that.

You should cast whoever's the best.

Great.

- Was Cooper the best?

- Oh, no.

I'm just glad you don't

feel any pressure to cast him

just because, without his grandfather,

there wouldn't be a musical at all.

You know, now I'm

feeling a little pressure.

No, don't, don't, don't.

It is a nice theater, though, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

(groans) It's always just one

thing after another with you.

Remember when you

installed those solar panels?

Yeah, I reduced my carbon footprint

and I cut my utility bill in half.

Wrong. You caused a blackout,

and I had to stop a mob

from b*ating your ass.

And what about when you

started collecting rainwater?

We were in a drought.

I decreased my water consumption.

And this neighborhood was

swarming with mosquitoes.

The kid down the street

got bit in his eye.

I had to stop his daddy

from b*ating your ass.

Okay. Well, to be fair,

that was the same guy

from the blackout, and

- I think he has anger issues.

- Okay.

(alarms blaring)

Oh, look, it's one of

those emergency alerts.

It says that there's a

mountain lion loose in the neighborhood.

Wait a second. You guys got an alert?

- I didn't get an alert.

- (alarm blaring)

It's telling us to shelter in place.

You all are getting this?

It's only my phone that

doesn't care about me?

Remain indoors until Animal Control

can find and sedate the lion.

Ha! You ain't got to tell me.

Yeah, with Black people,

you just need two words,

"mountain" and "lion," and

we ain't going out there.

♪

REPORTER: 100-year-old Bernice

Truck has always had a dream.

There's a mountain lion

loose in the neighborhood,

and all the local news

wants to talk about

is a 100-year-old lady who's skydiving.

I mean, at this point,

what's she really risking?

Baby, don't say that.

Hold on.

Grover's home.

Our son is in our house alone.

No. What? You can't go out there, Gemma.

There's a mountain lion. Are you crazy?

See? That's why they need those alerts.

Okay, Gemma, look, let's not panic.

All right, he's fine.

He's in the house. The doors are shut.

Grover knows not to open

the door for strangers.

What about mountain lions?

Okay, well, Gemma,

if Grover doesn't know

not to open the door for a mountain

lion, we have bigger problems.

Grover. Grover, can you hear me?

Hey, Mom.

There's a mountain lion on the loose.

I know. I got an alert on my phone.

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah my phone wants me dead.

Grover. Stay inside.

Don't open the door for

any person or animal.

We'll be over as soon as we can.

So, first I don't get to go

to school because of a fire,

and now I have to hang out in my house

without supervision

for who knows how long?

I know, sweetie.

Poor little thing.

If this is the House of the Dragon,

then where's the dragon?

This is nothing but ladies taking baths.

Mom would definitely say

this is not appropriate.

But Mom's not here.

And we will also have the

Carolina pulled pork sandwich.

Oh, yeah, bread on the side

so it doesn't get soggy.

Yeah, uh, bread on the side.

Extra sauce, also on the side.

- Extra sauce, please.

- Mm-hmm.

On the side. On the side.

Don't let it touch the bread.

And we will also have

the full rack of ribs.

Oh, is that more Memphis

style or Texas style?

- They are pig style, Marty.

- Okay.

Oh, ask if their coleslaw

is more soupy or dry.

Would you hold on for

one second, please?

No, I will not ask them that.

They about to spit in our food, man.

You cannot be this

high maintenance, Marty.

You are not pretty enough.

They don't know how pretty I am. Please.

- (phone beeping)

- (groans)

Oh, great, see, now that's Mama calling.

And she is worse than you are.

Man, I ain't got time for this.

I'm gonna just finish this order.

Hello? Yes, that will be all, please.

Oh, no, ooh, ask if their lemon pie

has more whipped cream or meringue.

I'm so sorry. The call dropped.

I just saw you hang up.

That's why it dropped.

Okay, well, please call me

back when you get this, Malcolm.

CALVIN: I mean, them mountain

lions is getting close.

Look, babe, that's the Johnsons' house.

- No.

- What?

Uh, the Black Johnsons.

I can tell because they leave

their Christmas lights up all year long.

Mm. I kind of like it.

It keeps me in the spirit.

It's March. There should

not be a Santa on that roof.

Somebody's getting hangry.

Dave, I don't know what the hell

that means, but I am not in the mood.

I am hungry and I'm angry.

I'm starving, too.

You know what?

Some of those boxes you

threw out were sealed.

- I'm getting some Triscuits.

- Ooh. What?

Will you see if there's

anything sweet in there? Like a

Like a scone or an éclair?

David, I'm going to the trash.

I'm not popping by the bakery.

Something knocked over our trash cans.

Oh, no. The raccoon is back.

Oh, no, this was way

bigger than a raccoon.

Oh, my God. It's the mountain lion.

Before we all die,

I just want to make it clear that, Dave,

- this is all your fault!

- That's right.

How so?

Because your composting

attracted the raccoons, which made Tina

throw out our food, which

drew the mountain lion

- right to our front door.

- Mm-hmm.

I should've let that man b*at your ass.

You should've.

I can't leave our son alone.

I don't care what's out there.

I'm going to be with my son.

All right, honey. Wait.

- (helicopter blades whirring)

- (man speaks indistinctly over speaker)

- What were they saying?

- Whatever it was, it translates to.

"Get your butt back

in the house, woman."

Look, Grover's alone.

He must be so scared.

Okay.

Now let's find out

why I'm not allowed to watch Euphoria.

♪

Yo

What is with all the helicopters?

It's got to be a police chase.

I hope it's still on TV. (laughs)

I hope it's not us.

Yo.

Look at all this trash.

Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna

have to clean all this up.

- Not it.

- Hold on, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you really going

to be that juvenile?

(sighs)

- Yes.

- No!

Malcolm!

Hey, hey. I got the food.

Are you crazy?

Why didn't you answer the

phone when I called you?

There's a mountain lion loose out there.

Out where? I didn't get an alert.

Oh, it's not just me. Yes.

Where's your brother?

He's out there cleaning up the garbage.

Oh, my God. Calvin, go get my baby.

- I'm on it.

- I'll go with you, Pop.

Oh, no, you won't. Uh-uh.

You could get k*lled.

I'll go.

- Yeah, go ahead, Dave.

- Go, go.

Go!

Daddy!

Don't let me go out like this!

Oh.

I've never been to Japan.

I've never whitewater rafted.

There's two or three

more Avatars coming out.

Well, what do you do

with a mountain lion?

I think you're supposed

to punch it in the nose.

- That's a shark.

- DAVE: Okay. All right.

Uh, stay perfectly still.

That's a T. rex.

Well, I'm hearing a lot of noes.

- Why don't you throw out some ideas?

- Okay, okay.

Marty, what you got in the bag?

It's a Carolina pulled pork sandwich.

Bread on the side, sauce on the side.

You are your mama's son.

All right, you know what?

I got this. Okay? Come on.

All right, everybody just

stay still. (growling)

Hey, big cat.

Hey there, Mr. Lion.

How you doing? You want some barbecue?

(roaring)

- Whoa!

- (groans) Mama. Okay.

N-Nice smile. Nice

smile. I like it. Okay.

All right. It's good

barbecue. Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Okay You eat meat, right?

You're not one of those

vegan L.A. lions, are you?

Go! Get in there!

We haven't tried this particular place,

but it did get four stars on Yelp.

It's a mountain lion, not a food critic.

Okay.

Go, go, go! Shut the door, go shut it!

Go shut the door!

Whoo! Oh!

- Whew.

- We got him!

Don't mess with the dynamic duo.

Duo?

Dave, I went face to

face with a mountain lion.

All you did was shut the door.

Oh, my God, Daddy.

You saved my life.

You guys are my Blackman and Robin.

If the TV news comes

by, you got to say that.

Which one am I?

♪

REPORTER: where the

mountain lion was sedated

and will be released back into the wild.

Coming up after the break,

a 100-year-old woman dies

in a skydiving accident.

And there you go, little bro.

Oh. Now, just so you know,

uh, I wanted to come out there

and save you, but, uh, you know,

Mama wouldn't let me.

Aw. It's okay, Malcolm.

Sometimes fear immobilizes you.

I said Mama wouldn't let me.

It's okay to be afraid

of lions, big brother.

I still look up to you.

Grover, don't you want any food?

Thanks, Mom, but

I'm good.

Poor kid must have

been worried sick. Aw.

Look, I know today

has been crazy, and

we didn't get a chance to talk

about the whole school musical thing.

Oh, it's fine. Today reminded

me of what's really important.

Don't worry about casting

that Brockwell kid.

You're in charge. You

cast whoever you want.

Oh, thank you.

But I totally understand, you know,

you're under a lot of pressure,

so I will put Cooper in the musical.

He can be townsperson number two.

Townsperson number two?

His only line is, "Here comes Shrek."

But it's your call.

(mouths)

Hey, Dave. I know I'm

hard on you sometimes, but

you really stepped up out there today.

Thanks for having my back.

That's what best friends

are for. And you know what?

I am going to share some of the

fruits of my composting with you.

Grew these in my garden.

Uh

I'm not going to eat a

strawberry you grew in the trash.

You're missing out.

It's so It's so

It's so good.

(disposal crunching)

What? You're not gonna compost that?