03x01 - Lone Wolf

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Hello, Harry. My name is Joseph.

You are a Grey.
I will call you Dickhead.

You should be helping each other,
not trying to k*ll one another.

There's a secret base in Wyoming.

It's where I suspect they keep all
their information on the Greys.

Please save my son.

There is only one person
who may have the resources

to stop the Greys...

an Air Force general
named Eleanor McCallister.

Tell me what's going on right now.

That's my secret.

You're a dinosaur.

What?

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

[PANTING]

♪

[DOG BARKING]

[DOG PANTING]

[DOG YIPS]

♪

And lay on bed.

Damn it.

Well, you got the "leave him
inside the house" part right.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

Mm.

[SOFT MUSIC]

- Morning.
- Morning.

[CLEARS THROAT]

How'd you sleep?

Mm, great.

But I did roll off the bed again.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, I guess it's better
than sleepwalking

and waking up outside.

Mm, that's true.

It's freezing this morning.

[TENSE MUSIC]

How do you know that?

♪

I don't know.

Hmm.

Hmm.

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]

[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

♪ Don't matter if the cold wind blows ♪

- _
- ♪ I'm gonna wind up working ♪

- ♪ In the thick of it ♪
- [ALARM BLARING]

♪ Sunshine through the rain and snow ♪

♪ There's an oily brine bilgewater ♪

♪ Baptism waiting below ♪

♪

Ah.

♪

♪ That's just the waves slamming ♪

♪ Against the topsides' sound ♪

♪ Don't let the ever-rolling
motion go and get you down ♪

♪ Don't let it shake your
steady thread-cutting hand ♪

♪ Keep stealing ribbons from the steel ♪

♪ And giving hell to
every halyard you can ♪

♪ In spite of all the wherewithal ♪

♪ To fight it all I will face it all ♪

This is the express train to all
Montana underground facilities.

Travel time is approximately


♪ Will you be ready when
the straw boss calls? ♪

♪ He's got an ever-loving bone
to pick with one and all ♪

On my planet, I worked
alone, I ate alone.

My earliest memory was
gestating in my egg, alone.

When I hatched, I was
greeted by the mewling

of hundreds of siblings.

We all preferred solitude.

So naturally, we set
upon k*lling each other.

It is different here on Earth.

They get strength from each
other through cooperation.

Human babies cannot even live
without help from others.

It is probably a good thing

because if human babies could
k*ll, they would certainly do it.

What have you done here?

Ooh!

This is garbage.

Get out of here. Go back to your desk.

Maybe take a break for
the rest of the week.

I'll do it.

If these are the top
human thinkers on Earth,

then we are all as dead as my
siblings' m*nled carcasses.

You've been here a week,

and output has slowed to a stop.

I am the only one working.

Because you're taking
everyone's assignments.

I am the smartest being here.

It is just easier if I do it.

Lieutenant, why are the
Grey aliens on Earth?

We don't know yet

because Harry isn't being a team player.

Look, we need to work together
if we're going to stop the Greys.

I should be employee of the month.

I saved everyone's butt here last week.

These are spacecraft we've
acquired in the last 80 years.

This one might still have
its w*apon system intact.

[BEEPS, WHIRRS]

Oh.

This is live.

[BEEPING STEADILY]

Oh.

Is that a countdown?

Get behind the blast doors!

[BEEPING STOPS]

That was lucky.

You need to fall in line.

You're part of a team now.

[GRUMBLES]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

♪

[SIGHS]

Cave in! The roof!

[LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Hey, you got up early to make me coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

I'm building up goodwill.

I'm on the late shift next week,

so I've got a full week of 4:00
a.m. drunk slumber parties.

Oh, that's great.

Great.

_

Anything good?

Nah.

Just some boring stuff.

I hate living in a small town.

It's like, why do they even
have a paper, right?

- Wait. What is it?
- Nothing. Please don't look at it.

Hmm.

- _
- [CHUCKLES]

I mean, so what?

You're not upset?

No, I don't care what some
stupid paper says about me.

Yeah, right.

I mean, look. Last year, you
were lying to me about Harry,

and I thought I was losing
you, and it threw me.

But now it's different.

All right.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

Oh, um, I'm going to lock my door
when you come home at 4:00 a.m.

No, my bed's a block of
ice, and I pick locks,

so get your warm feet ready.

[BLUES MUSIC]

♪

So that climbing gym that my son
and I go to is actually pretty good.

You should check it out sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

You know, I've been working out at home.

I curl Cletus three times a day.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Here you go. Whenever you're ready.

- Thank you very much.
- It's okay, I got it.



Well, I am off to work.

Have a good day.

All right.

- Hi, Liv.
- Hey.

Did you see that?

Lena paid for breakfast.

And she paid for dinner once last week.

Wow, yeah. That's like, wow.

You should be so angry and stuff.

Why, again?

Because that's not the
natural order of things.

All right, men pay, women eat.

This goes back to caveman times.

The men, they... they go
out on a hunt, right?

And then they take down a dinosaur.

And they drag it back to the hut,

and then the women, they prepare
the cutlery and the lemonade,

then they all sit down,
say grace, and eat.

To think just one statement

could contain 200 million
years of misinformation.

Mm.

Sir, I printed out this
still from the CCTV footage

the day Peter Bach was k*lled.

I think finding this guy
in the passenger seat

is the key to our whole investigation.

Hey, what are you doing? Not here.

You never know who got eyes
and ears on us, all right?

We'll look at this picture later.

I don't think I want to anymore.

I just really think we should
go to the reservation.

Hi, Sheriff.

Get the V-A-N.

You need to leave that V-A-N alone.

It's been there for a week.

I want to check for
F-I-N-G-E-R-P-R-I-N-T-S.

H-E-L-L-L-L no.

You had two fake cops
show up at your place.

Whoever we're dealing with,

they're professional
and they're well-funded.

Look, there goes a damn government
drone watching us right now.

I think that's just some
mustard on the window.

That's what they want you to think.

You gotta trust no one, Deputy.

Head on a swivel.

You ain't never really safe

until you learn to look behind yourself.

Go ahead, watch your
back. Go ahead. Do it.

- You want me to turn my...
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Harder.

[NECK CRACKING]

- There you go.
- Ow!

Now, you do that nine times a day,

in 16 weeks, you'll have owl neck.

But I don't want owl neck.

Everybody want an owl neck!

♪ If the sun was always shining ♪

♪ And our load always light ♪

♪ We'd be shaking like a leaf
with every god-given night ♪

♪ And we'd break under
the weight of any pain ♪

♪ That ever came in this life ♪

Good morning, Deputy.

Someone found this by the bus stop.

Oh, thank you, Val.

- Have a good day.
- Have a good day.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪

_

_

What do we got here, Deputy?

Oh, someone found it near the bus stop.

I'll go through it and
see who it belongs to.

Oh, whoa, no, no.
You're not here to do...

do clerical work.

You're a deputy for the Patience
County Sheriff's Department.

Here. Deputy Liv will process that.

There you go.

- It's my lucky day.
- See?

Look, uh, I got a gut feeling that
something might be going down.

So I just want you to keep your
eyes peeled for anyone suspicious.

Oh, don't worry.

If anybody's up to something,

I'll know it.

Damn, you smell like a winner.

♪

What do you think?

- Purr-fect.
- _

I told you already,
we are not getting a cat.

Eh, you'll change your mind.

Harry, where have you been?

Your shift started, like, an hour ago.

It is the General's fault
for making me work late.

Do not bite my balls.

There is 0% chance of that happening.

Hello.

I'm looking for Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.

I'm Ellen.

I'm the one you're looking for, Officer.

I've broken six laws since this morning.

Hi. I...

[TENSE MUSIC]

What are you doing here?

And why are you dressed
like it is Halloween?

Oh, I live here now.

Got a job, an apartment.

Figured I'd settle in till I figure
out what it is you're up to.

You were supposed to leave the
planet on a ship we provided,

but you're still here.

Why?

I do not like public transportation.

So why don't you go away,

or I will tell everyone you are a Grey.

Nope, that's against the
Galactic Federation's charter.

Addendum two, command order five...

no alien can reveal themselves

or another alien being to a non-alien.

I have a copy of that charter
right here in my pocket.

It's on page one!

[LAUGHS]

Just know I am watching you,

and I will figure out
what you're doing here.

And I will figure out
what you are doing here.

I'm here to figure out
what you're doing here.

Then I just figured it out.

I win.

[LAUGHS]

♪

She's your friend, isn't she?

She's very pretty.

You stay away from her.

I'm Asta.

Hi, Asta. I'm Joseph.

Hi.

Well, I'll let you get back to work.

I just wanted to say hi.

I may have to drop by more often.

Cool.

Cool.

I've got to go do '50s cop stuff.

But want to hang out later?

Shut up.

Come on.

♪ He wants to see you ♪

- ♪ In the shower ♪
- What?

- ♪ In the shower ♪
- What are you even doing?

♪ Where you go to clean
yourself, it's dirty ♪

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

[GASPS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

It's not the first time I saw it.

The owl was here last week, too.

I'm getting new blinds today.

What?

Honey, no way.

It is good luck to have
an owl staring at you.

Why would it be good luck?

I don't know. I just made it
up to save money on blinds.

Blinds it is.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

Working in a group like
a human is not efficient.

Yesterday, I spent half
the day searching my email

for data sequencing numbers,

but all I found were
fantasy football requests.

If I'm going to defeat Joseph,

I need to work alone like a real alien.

So I handled it exactly
like a human worker would.

I texted Jeff and asked him to
tell the General I was sick.

Jeff is a horrible liar.

You need to come to work.

We picked up alien chatter.

I need you to go through it.

Plus you have to take the HR seminar.

I have something better than chatter.

I have found someone who
is doing the chattering.

Why do you have a
picture of a boy's chest?

Oh, that's my chest.

I have been manscaping.

Wait.

That's our mole.

That's the man who sh*t
Peter Bach and my guards.

He is also a Grey hybrid
alien. He is here.

I have been watching him.

Here he is drinking coffee.

Here he is crossing the street.

This is me after leg day.

Here he is making a
suspicious phone call.

That is my penis.

Yeah. You're definitely going
to have to take the HR seminar.

Look, we need to find out
what the Greys are up to.

I'll get a team to go grab this Joseph.

No, no, then they will know
that we are onto them.

I will deal, uh, with
this Joseph myself.

Do not worry. I have a plan.

[LAUGHS]

I do not have a plan.

I was just at the comic book store.

The conspiracy kids there said
the Alien Tracker's death

was no accident.

He was m*rder*d.

Those kids don't know what
they're talking about.

They think Bigfoot and
Sasquatch are the same thing.

They are the same thing.

They got to you too.

You're being paranoid.

Those kids are actually kind of nice.

Maybe you should spend
more time with them,

make some new friends?

I don't need new friends.

Wait, do you not want
to be my friend anymore?

Yes, I'm your friend,
and I protected you.

I didn't tell them

the Alien Tracker's
death was your fault.

What? How is it my fault?

You sold him out to Harry,
and Harry k*lled him.

Think about it.

The last time we knew the
Alien Tracker was alive,

he was headed to Harry's cabin.

We have to go there and sniff around.

[JACK THE RADIO'S "JUST WHAT I NEED"]

♪

Hey, Deputy, what's the emergency?

I have to tell you something.

Um, but I want to be very careful,

just in case we're being watched.

Come here.

♪ Late night radio ♪

♪ Still hear you singing to me ♪

This way, if someone is onto us,

nobody can hear what we're saying.

- You're going haying?
- No.

Listen, that duffel bag belongs
to the Alien Tracker's son.

I found the information in a diary.

Who... who has diarrhea?

No, diary!

- Diarrhea?
- Diary!

And I found the name
of the son's therapist.

He lives in Utah.

And get this... he was
m*rder*d last night.

Damn.

Things have taken a turn.

It's no wonder you got diarrhea.

What?

Your diarrhea.

Listen, we got to get that van.

John's parents aren't safe.

Why do you have diarrhea?

- I don't have diarrhea!
- [MUSIC STOPS]

[COUGHS]

♪

I cleared it up.

I ate a bunch of bananas and toast.

I can't ask Joseph out.

Why not? He looked at
you like a Christmas ham.

I'm just not ready to date.

Come on. Look at you. You're perfect.

You're more than ready.

You're smart, you're funny.

Oh, I would love to go to a restaurant

where they don't give me a pack
of crayons to color my menu.

Oh.

I guess you're joining us.

No.

I just wanted fries. These need salt.

It's just too soon.

I barely left Jimmy.

Is this girl talk? I want to play.

You go, girl.

D'arcy and Kayla think that I should
ask Deputy Joseph on a date.

You cannot go, girl.

Men ask women out. Women do not ask men.

It is not their place.

Do you want to try that again?

He's not even a nurse.

You will have nothing to talk about.

Have you ever been on a date?

He has. Not much of a talker.

Kisses like a goat.

- Ew.
- Thank you.

Look. Sometimes it's nice to
meet new people, you know?

Get to know them.

If Asta goes out with the Grey,

she can get information for me.

I changed my mind.

You can go on the date.

[LAUGHS] You think she
needs your permission?

You said it, sister. Yasss, queen.

He was kind of cute.

There's my girl.

That's also my girl.

Who runs the world? Girls.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[KALYN FAY'S "TULSA"]

♪ I like the city, but
not as much as Tulsa ♪

♪

Hey, there.

You must be John's parents.

I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson from Patience.

I work with your daughter-in-law.

I'm meeting her and John
here to see the van.

We don't have a
daughter-in-law or a van.

Don't know a John.

Huh.

I could swear that this
was the right house.

It's even got a brown
barn with white doors.

Don't have a brown barn.

Or white doors.

The barn right there, it's brown.

I'm looking at it with my own eyes.

We don't have eyes.

There's a lot of confusing
sh*t coming from over here.

- I'm going to be honest with you.
- [HORN HONKS]

- Hey, it's Livy and John.
- Hey-hey.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Hello.

Hey, John.

- Hey, honey.
- You're just in time.

- Hi, my boy.
- Hi, Fingers.

Hey.

We made a big batch of jerky this time.

- You should take some home.
- Ooh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You said you didn't know them.

Don't take it personally.
They just don't trust outsiders.

It's a, you know,
fool-me-once kind of thing.

Liv was really worried the
van might get you in trouble

with the government.

[LAUGHTER]

The U.S. government?
[GASPS] I'm so scared.

Yeah, tell them it's here.
This is Ute land.

They come here, I'll be slicing
off more than jerky, eh?

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Come on, my boy.

Come help me.

They're jokers.

Hey, you started without me.

- What do you think?
- It looks great, babe.

Is that a fetus?

Yes, it is.

It's, uh, Max.

You know, I kept having
this image in my head,

and then I realized it must be
Max's ultrasound. It's cool, huh?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh, God. Uh, I don't...

- Babe?
- I don't feel so good.

Whew.

Oh, what... what, uh...

what is that bracelet?

Well, uh...

I... I just got it at an antique market.

Can you please not point that mug at me?

Oh, I feel sick.

[BOTH GAGGING, RETCHING]

Heroes work alone.

The General may have provided
me with the equipment,

but I am doing all the work,
so I am the real hero.

Just like the most famous
alien hero, Superman.

[KNOCKING]

What do you want?

- I need to talk to you.
- [WHISPERING] Keep him busy.

I need to use your bathroom.

Fine, but do not stink it up.

I have not brushed my teeth yet.

You need to tell me what
happened to the Alien Tracker.

Alien Tracker?

Well, is an old guy, kind of bald?

I think his son put him in a home.

What are you doing over there?

I thought you said you needed
to go to the bathroom.

Just looking for a magazine.

It might be a while.

Harry, you need to tell me the truth.

Did you k*ll him the
night I sent him here?

Of course I did not k*ll him.

He did not even come here.

I was very upset.

I had to soothe myself
with some breezy music.

Have you heard of yacht rock?

Okay, Max. Let's go.

I did not hear a flush.

It was a false alarm.

But I did clean the toilet
with your toothbrush.

Well, the joke is on you

because I will not pay you
for your maid service!

[LAUGHS]

See? I told you.

Harry said the Alien Tracker
never even came here.

If the Alien Tracker never came here,

then how did I find this?

Harry lied to me?

Yes, because Harry is a bad alien.

I think it's time we got some backup.

I'll put out some feelers to those kids

at the comic book store.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Pass me some more tape.

♪

What you doing with all these sponges?

I didn't want to raise red flags

using department resources,

so I bought the fingerprint kit online.

And the scrubber is for
my cast-iron skillet.

Wait, wait, you wash your cast-iron
skillet? You can't do that.

Where do you think the
food's flavor come from?

- The food?
- The skillet.

What you think got more flavor,
the food you're cooking,

or 10 years of food cooked on iron?

I don't know, but now
my stomach feels weird.

[SCOFFS] sh*t.

Scrubbing a cast-iron
skillet, that's like...

that's like washing your hands
before you eat a sandwich.

Half of what you taste
on the sandwiches,

that's... that's finger flavor.

Wait. Is this...

Yeah.

That right there is a fingerprint.

Good job, Deputy.

Hi.

I'm excited for your date,
so I bought you a present.

It's a makeup container.

You can put powder on your
nose and on your cheeks.

It's also a listening device,
so I can spy on your date.

Thank you. That's sweet.

Um, I'm just not really
the nose-powdering type.

You should be.

Your face is sweaty.

That's less sweet.

Take it with you on
your date with Joseph,

and ask him lots of
questions about himself.

Human men like that.

I know how to go on a date.

Do you?

I... I am an alien.

I have been on more dates than you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Good luck.

♪

[INGRID HAGELBERG'S "JE
SAIS QU'ON VA S'REVOIR"]

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪

I'll be honest, I'm surprised
you asked me out.

Well, I'll be honest,
I was surprised, too.

I haven't been on a date in a while.

I mean, I could have, probably.

But I've been busy at work,

also reconnecting with my daughter,
which is a whole story.

I like to read at night.

I am nervous.

Maybe if I just drink this beer,

my mouth will stop talking.

I'm also divorced.

I like that you're nervous.

It means I'm not the only one.

I don't date much either.

Oh, yeah?

Why not?

I move around a lot.

I always have, since I was young.

Never stayed in one place for
more than a couple of months.

Mm, that's hard.

I grew up here, but I left for a while.

And when I came back,

it sort of felt like I left half
of myself somewhere else.

Well, I'm glad I met this half.

Uh, or no.

Actually, like, I'm still that person,
but two people in one.

- I don't know.
- No.

Two people in one,
but sometimes only half.

That's kind of a perfect way to put it.

[SOFT MUSIC]

High school was in New Hampshire.

I grew up on a lake.

My mother was a hairdresser
named Marlene,

and my father was a small-town doctor.

Kind of like your Harry Vanderspeigle.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Harry.

- One of a kind.
- Tell me about him.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Come on, I haven't even
finished my first drink yet.

You don't really expect
me to talk about work.

Oh.

Don't worry, I won't ask
you about Harry again

until drink number two.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

My alliance with the
General is working well.

Having her deliver m*llitary
surveillance equipment to my house

is easier than buying it online.

I did not even have to pay for shipping.

D'arcy doesn't know we're here, okay?

So you have to promise
not to say anything.

What the hell is this?

I know you'll keep your
widdle mouth shut,

because you're not a tattletale.

No, you're not.

You have a tail, but that's
just a skin tail, okay?

So time to get your nubs in the tubs.

Asta left her makeup at home.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

♪ Oh, Kevin boy ♪

♪ Your skin is pink and stretchy ♪

♪ From ear to ear ♪

- ♪ And down to your backside ♪
- [CAT MEOWS]

♪ You have no hair ♪

♪ And look like a raw chicken ♪

♪ It's true, it's true ♪

♪ Your skin is soft rawhide ♪

Oh.

Well, hello, sailor.

Hi.

- [CAT MEOWS]
- You want to get out?

[CAT MEOWS]

[SIGHS] He gets so
self-conscious about his body.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just, you know, making
a little Judy soup. [LAUGHS]

You want to taste it?

Make sure it's ready?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh, no. Oh, my
body's rising to the top. [LAUGHS]

- Please stop.
- Oh, fine.

Maybe we can just keep this between us

because Asta and D'arcy
don't totally know

that I use their bathtub.

Mine's full of dirty dishes.

I will keep it a secret, if you keep
it a secret that I was here.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

♪

- [CAT MEOWS]
- [GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

God, JuJu, you scared me.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Kevin really wanted to
see your new place, so...

- Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.
- Okay, okay. That's okay, baby.

You can go see the bedroom.

And while we were here,
we just decided to take a bath.

- Gotta.
- It's working really well.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- If someone mentioned to you

that I was here, then that just
means that I am way better

at keeping secrets than he is.

Wait, someone else was here?

The human bladder is not considered full

until it holds two cups of liquid.

Or in this case, that local
beer Joseph is drinking.

That was faster than expected.

Maybe because that local
beer is already like urine.

- Hello, Asta, my friend.
- Mm.

What are you doing here?

I forgot to give you your good
luck hug before your date.

- Oh, good luck to you.
- Okay.

That's sweet, but you can go now.

- Some French fries.
- Harry.

♪

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [SOFT MUSIC]

- Oh.
- Hi, Mrs. Hawthorne.

- Hi.
- Is Max around?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Max, Sahar is here.

Okay.

I am going to go pick up dinner.

Oh, Sahar, you want to eat with us?

No, thanks. I don't eat takeout,

because the packaging is
slowly destroying the Earth.

It's okay to just say no.

Where were you?

You were supposed to meet
me at the comic book store

so we could find some recruits.

I told you, I don't want to
be friends with those kids.

Our group is fine with
just the two of us.

Two isn't a group. It's a couple.

I thought two was a few.

- Why would you think that?
- It rhymes.

Look, more people is better

because, like, you never know
when you might lose someone.

Who are we going to lose?

Me.

What?

I'm going away, Max.

To jail?

What?

No.

I tested into a prestigious
academic program

for gifted children in California.

But you can't move away.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

I just thought if you had some
new friends to hang around with,

you wouldn't care if I left.

Of course I care.

You're the only real friend I ever had

that didn't make me
feel like I'm a freak.

You're not a freak.

You're special.

Now that the Alien Tracker is gone,

you're the only one
who can identify aliens.

You know what a unique gift that is?

Wait.

Are you saying I'm
the new Alien Tracker?

That I'm all-powerful?

What? No, not exactly...

Is it possible only the true Alien
Tracker can lift the taser?

Well, I actually carried
it out of Harry's house...

I am the one.

I am the Alien Tracker.

I am he, and him is I.

Yeah, Earth is in good hands.

Hey, Dan. Is my order ready?

Give me one minute.

Oh, hi, Kayla.

- Hi, Rachel.
- Mm.

- How's it going?
- Oh, I'm good.

I was just grabbing some takeout.

- Come sit.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, you know, I am...

I'm not getting a lot of sleep,

thanks to the owl outside my window

that's keeping me awake at night.

You have an owl outside your house?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, it's just, for our people
owls are a little taboo.

They're messengers of death.

- What?
- Okay, it's more like a metaphor.

You're going to be fine.
And come on. We're in Colorado.

There's going to be owls
flying all over the place.

Well, the owl isn't flying.

It just sits outside my
window and stares at me.

Here you go, Kate.

Three burgers, one extra
well-done for Ben. [CHUCKLES]

Hope he enjoys his shoe leather.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's going on?

Something wrong with the food?

Kate has an owl sitting
outside of her window.

It just stares at her.

Take this cedar, Kate, and burn
it in every room in your house.

But don't use a lighter, use a match.

Oh, my God.

Usually we use sage or sweetgrass.

But this is stronger.

It'll offer you more protection,
which you need.

Just burn the cedar, okay?

You're going to be fine.

Wait, would you come over
to the house and help me?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Dan, would you...

Are you sure you don't want any dessert,

or another drink, maybe?

No, thank you. But you know...

Do I need to put up
no trespassing signs?

You have three seconds to tell me

why you're listening to Asta's date,

or I'm going to smash this sh*t.

I do not care.

If you break it, you buy it.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

[SCREAMS]

That is way more pieces
than I would have guessed.

You are so stupid!

Now the world will end,
and it will be your fault.

What the hell are you talking about?

Joseph is a Grey alien.

What? And you let Asta go out with him?

I needed to figure out what the
Grey aliens were doing here.

Oh, by risking Asta's life?

I was keeping Asta safe
by listening to the date,

but you broke the radio.

How could you do that to Asta?

You're a bad friend.

Pick up.

Pick up, g*dd*mn it.

Do not worry.

He will not hurt her
when they are in public.

Well, they left Laurent's.

All right. They're headed
to our apartment.

You are tracking Asta?

You are doing what I was doing.

It's only creepy if you do it.

- Can I get a ride with you?
- Uh, no.

Yeah, it was kind of our special thing.

When me and Dad went fishing,

I don't know, it was like the
rest of the world didn't exist.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOFT MUSIC]

What about your mother?

Um, she wasn't around.

[DOOR BANGS]

- Oh.
- Hey.

- [GROANS, GRUNTS]
- Oh, are you okay?

Uh, no. No, I... [CLEARS THROAT]

[RETCHES]

I had a gnarly fish
sandwich, so I'm sick.

[RETCHES]

I should be alone with Asta.

- Oh.
- [GAGGING]

Okay, I'm here.

- Everything's going to be okay.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. [RETCHES]

Well, yeah. Well, I should
probably go. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for a lovely evening, and...

[GAGGING]

- Maybe we could do it again sometime.
- All right.

- It's not a good time.
- Okay.

All right. I need to tell you something.

Wait, that was an act?

- I had to get rid of him.
- Why?

You're the one that wanted
me to go on this date.

You made me buy new underwear.

You should sit down.

And, uh, maybe start drinking that wine.

- Uh...
- From the bottle.

Now you're scaring me.

What's going on?

Harry.

[TENSE MUSIC]

What is Harry doing here?

Yes, Harry, what are you doing here?

Joseph is a Grey alien here
to destroy the planet.

What?

[GROANS]

And you let me go on a date with him?

Also, Judy Pooper used your
bathtub without permission.

Can you believe her?

I think I would feel better
if someone said something.

Such a bad alien.

- You're bad!
- No, don't hit him with that.

Fine.

Now that you know who Harry is,

you should also know that
he's not emotionally evolved

enough to distinguish
between right and wrong.

- He's basically a child.
- Just a child.

- He doesn't get it.
- I don't get it.

But I still want to hit him.

I only did it because I was
trying to save the Earth.

Okay, but we talked about this before.

You don't do that to someone
that you care about.

I also care about the Earth.

I had no choice.

Please, Harry, just go.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪

[SIGHS]

You know, I'm more mad
at myself than Harry.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

What is wrong with me?

I finally feel like going on a date

for the first time since
Jimmy, and what do I do?

I choose the assh*le again.

You can't blame yourself.

Come on.

No, it's just bad luck.

You can't... you can't give up.

[PHONE DINGS]

[SIGHS]

"Had fun.

You looked very pretty tonight.
Can I see you again?"

- Aw.
- Aw, that's kind of sweet... no.

- What the hell?
- You should give up.

[VAN MORRISON'S "BEIN' GREEN"]

♪

I used to prefer working alone.

♪

But as a human, you're
never really alone.

Okay.

- Night.
- Night.

Every decision you make
affects other people.

♪ When it could be nicer being red ♪

♪ Or yellow or gold ♪

♪ Or something much
more colorful like that ♪

♪

♪ Like that ♪

♪ It's not, it's not ♪

Maybe that's why humans struggle

with difficult decisions all the time.

_

♪ You seem to blend in ♪

- _
- ♪ With so many ordinary, everyday ♪

Some are small and affect only a few.

♪

I think we should sell the house.

♪ Standing out like
sparkles in the water ♪

Other decisions are so big
they affect the entire planet.

I knew what I was doing when
I told Asta to date Joseph.

I was making the decision

that the Earth is more important
than any one person.

But what if that one person feels
more important than anything?

What if you love them so much,

you will choose what is best for them

over what is best for an entire planet?

If I am a superhero,
Asta is my kryptonite.

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Harry?

Harry, you scared me.

[GRUNTS]

What are you doing here?

Are you crying?

I came in here to k*ll you.

What's that now?

Oh, do not worry.

I could not do it.

And even if I did, your m*rder
would be gentle, painless.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Well, that's good to know.

Asta, what should I do?

I could have gotten
information from Joseph,

information that would
help me save the planet.

But I had to stop because of you.

I will always have to
stop because of you.

I don't understand.

I care about you too much.

If I could just k*ll you,
I could save the world.

But if I save you,

then the world dies and you die with it,

so why can I not just k*ll you?

- [SOBBING]
- Oh, Harry.

Oh, Har...

You're afraid of me now.

No, I know you would never k*ll me.

[SOFT MUSIC]

And I'm going to help you.

I will not let you fail your mission.

You'll k*ll yourself?

You are such a good friend!

- Oh.
- You're a good friend.

No.

Do you know what one of the best
things is about being human?

The colon.

Choice.

We choose what we do, okay?

I'm going to go on another
date with Joseph.

No, you cannot do that.

The Grey aliens are very dangerous.

I know. But I choose to go.

And... and this time, you won't
have to hide a mic in my bag.

I'll find out what you need to know.

You and I are going to
save Earth together.

The problem with working as a team

is sometimes other
people can hold you back.

But all the best
superheroes have sidekicks.

Even Superman has Lois Lane.

If you have the right
person on your team,

they do not hold you back.

They lift you up.

♪ It's not, it's not easy ♪

♪ Being green ♪

♪ You seem to blend in ♪

♪ With so many ordinary,
everyday things ♪

♪ And people tend to pass you by ♪

♪ Because you're no standing
out like sparkles in the water ♪

♪ Or stars in the sky ♪

♪

♪ But green's the color of spring ♪