01x06 - Full Moon Fever

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

- Is it a heart att*ck?
- No, he's got a pulse. He's good.

The hell happened here?

Oh, all right! Good
morning. There it is.

Is that a flashlight on his dong?

He put his penis where the batteries go?

Is's not a flashlight.
It's a fleshlight.

A sex toy.

Breezy Canyon model.

- Breezy Canyon the p*rn star.
- Wait,

there's a replica of
her vag*na in there?

Yes. The celebrity makes the mold,

they put it in the fleshlight,

and that fella mates with it.

Wait, but what happened, Cap?

The fleshlight knock him out,

or did something happen afterwards?

And what's this all on the walls?

♪♪

It's elementary, really.

It's dulce de leche.

You boil a can of condensed
milk, it turns into caramel.

Our friend here turned on the
stove, put the can in the water,

and he downed a cafe
boost-a-mente double espresso

to activate the Ambi-snooze sex

he was about to throw
into Breezy Canyon.

What kind of sex?

You take Ambi-snooze then caffeine,

then you fight through the
loginess for a monster orgasm.

- Check his pockets.
- Whoa!

Most likely he miscalculated
the Ambi-snooze

to caffeine ratio, and when it came time

to get cozy with Miss
Breezy, it was lights out.

When the water on the stove
evaporated, the can kept cooking,

and then pow, splattered
caramel all over the walls.

Oh, don't eat that.

Mmm. So sweet.

He should be waking
up in three, two, one.

ALL: Whoa!

Hey, Cap, what the hell?!

Man, you got mad deductive skills, Cap.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

- Hey, sir, you okay?
- No judgment.

Get you unstuck, all right?

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, come here! Don't...

Weird.

Prepare yourselves.
It's a full moon out tonight.

sh*t's about to get sticky.

[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

♪♪

All right, all right, all right.

Happy full moon, everybody.

Hope you're ready for a fun night

with the maniacal,
deranged, and disturbed.

Chief, it's a super blue blood moon.

- What's that?
- Well, a blue moon

is the second full moon in a month,

and a blood moon is a lunar
eclipse with a dark-red hue.

And a supermoon is a full moon

with the moon's closest orbit to Earth.

We got our own Neil
Grassy Tyson in the house.

Why? 'Cause I'm black?

It's just the only scientist I know.

- Neil Armstrong, by the way.
- Oh.

Now, you see, the last time
that this super blue blood moon

hit was 1888, and that
night, Jack the Ripper struck.

Hmm.

Van Gogh cut off his ear,
and the Johnstown Flood

wiped out the entire town
of Johnstown, Pennsylvania.

So look the... out.

- This full moon thing is bullshit.
- Oh, is it?

It's always triple the
calls and they're all weird.

So tonight I've called
in reinforcements.

We're being joined by Gene Ghoulib.

ALL: Ghooooooooul!

Ghoul.

I take it he's good?

He's a volunteer so he's
free, and he's a great guy.

Okay, stay safe tonight, everybody.

[BELL RINGS]

♪♪

Hey, how are ya?

Volunteer firefighter Gene
Ghoulib reporting for duty.

You can call me Ghoul.

- Okay. Ghoul.
- And you must Lucy.

Congratulations on being the
first woman at the station.

- Where are the fellas?
- They're back there.

Yeah, you know, just paving the way.

Well, actually, it was Jeanette
Woldseth who paved the way.

She was the first
full-time female firefighter

in Washington State history.

Hired in 1977, retired
a captain in 2002.

- What do you think of that?
- [CHUCKLES] Well, aren't you woke AF?

TERRY: There he is! Ghouly!

How are ya, Chief? Honored to be here.

- Good to have you.
- Ghoul!

Hey!

How are ya, Captain?

Paramedic Smith, good to see you guys.

- You ready for some full moon fever?
- Ready as we'll ever be.

Which I'm guessing is very
ready. [LAUGHS HOARSELY]

[LAUGHS HOARSELY]

[LAUGH CONTINUES]

[ALARM BLARING]

MAN: Rescue 42... 643, West Fuller.

Wheels up, Granny.
Let's go have some fun.

- Let's do it.
- Take it easy, Ghouly.

- Can I join?
- No, they got it,

they got it. Stay here.

Hey, don't worry, there'll
be plenty to do tonight.

Full moon, probie. [ALARM BLARING]

Engine 24... Kudlow Park, open burn.

BOTH: Ghooooul! [LAUGHS]

City's saved now, buddy! Ghouly!

Yeah! [LAUGHS] Ow!

Hey, guys, remember, all
open burns must have a permit

in accordance with state
and federal regulations.

- You know it, Ghoul!
- You got it, Ghoul!

Lucy, no. You stay with Ghoul.

Full moon fever!

The super blue blood moon.

A blue moon is the second
full moon of the month.

And a blood moon, well,
that's just a lunar eclipse

with a slightly burnt sienna hue.

You guys are all starting
to sound like astrologers

- or something.
- Astronomers.

- Oh, yeah.
- Or astrologers.

Hmm. At least we know
what's in our future.

- [LAUGHS HOARSELY]
- Wow.

Oh, I hate full-moon nights, man.

What? Full-moon nights are the best.

Second only to The Purge.

You get the dumbest
calls. You know what?

You realize nights like tonight,

the stupid people are
what keep you in business.

Well, just keep an open mind.

Yes, people make stupid mistakes,

but then we get to help them.

That should make you feel good.

- Thanks, Dr. Phil.
- Oh, you're welcome, Granville.

And the key to maintaining a healthy
relationship is communication.

- Ah, I see.
- And never stop fornicating.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

Hey! Anchorman from "Tacoma Today."

Good evening, I'm Chet Chisolm.

Come in, please, gentlemen.
Quickly, quickly.

Come in.

I did something.

And, well, uh...

It got stuck.

- [SIGHS] Oh, God.
- Whoa! Wow, okay, okay.

All right, okay.

- Is that...
- My wedding ring.

Yeah, you must really love your wife.

- Thinking about her right now, huh?
- I can't get it off.

Can you help me? Help.

♪♪

Ah.

- Creepy.
- Right?

I don't see this open fire anywhere.

This full-moon stuff
freaks me out, man.

It wasn't too long ago that a
girl was k*lled in these woods.

Please don't do that.

In fact, I don't even
think it was a girl.

It was two firefighters just like us.

And they haven't found the k*ller.

Can you not? Just stop.

- Oh.
- Just don't, Andy.

I asked you not to do
it. Just stop it, okay?

You think I'm a child?
You're not gonna scare me.

[THUD]

What was that?

I don't know. I-I, uh...

- What's going on?
- Something hit the truck.

- Can you get out and check, please?
- No, you check it out.

Andy, I'm driving. I can't
get out of the vehicle.

- Can you get out and check it out?
- I'm riding, I'm riding.

- Why, are you scared?
- No.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Station 24... this is
Firefighter McConky.

Yeah, it's always the
fourth Thursday in November.

Yeah, you betcha. Have a nice evening.

Who calls a fire station to
find out when Thanksgiving is?

You know, I got to tell you,
your phone etiquette is top notch.

Yeah, thanks. I guess
it's part of the job.

Not really a job when you
love what you do, right?

It's technically not a job
when you're a volunteer.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Good one. Now
we're having a good time.

You seem a little upset. What gives?

Okay, I'm the rookie. I get it.

But I just thought this
whole full-moon night

would've brought me
a little more action.

Let me tell you something about firemen.

On any given night, any given
day, they're always firemen.

Did you just come up with that?

"Backdraft," 1991.

You know, Kurt Russell, Robert De Niro,
Rebecca De Mornay, Billy Baldwin,

Jennifer Jason Leigh, Donald Sutherland.

It's a Ron Howard joint.

I've seen it 211 times.
It's a masterpiece.

I can recite the entire
thing front to back.

No, I've never seen it.

Ho-ho, there she goes.
That's a good one.

Yeah, no, I've never seen it.

You're serious. You've
never seen "Backdraft."

Seriously.

You've never seen "Backdr..." Okay.

Well, good thing I have it on my phone.

Let's take a little break
and watch that movie.

Oh, hey, Chief, I want to preface this
by saying I would never complain

because I'm the rookie
and your daughter,

but, um, I thought you said tonight
was gonna be crazy for all of us.

- Yeah, it will be.
- But hold on.

And look, I do want this to
sound more sarcastic than whiny,

but I'm still mopping floors.

All right, well, it sounds whiny,

but that's what probies do, Lucy, okay?

Trust me, I've been
doing this a long time.

Just be ready.

- Ghoul!
- [CHUCKLES]

[AS ROBERT DE NIRO] "Fire.
It's a living thing, Brian.

It breathes, it eats, and it hates.

The only way to b*at
it is to think like it.

Eh." [CHUCKLES]

[NORMAL VOICE] It's Robert De Niro.

That was a very good
impression, by the way.

- "Backdraft," he's in the...
- Is that one of the actors?

♪♪

So... how'd it happen?

Details are sketchy.

- News at 11:00?
- No, no, no.

- I'm embarrassed to say.
- Allow me.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

You got takeout because
your wife's away.

You got out of the shower and you were

at the computer twirling
your wedding ring,

spinning it around
on different things...

pen, pretzel rod, letter opener...

and that's when you said to yourself,

"Hmm. I wonder if this fits."

And you slipped the
ring onto your penis.

But that's when you glanced
over at your computer

and you saw that
picture of Katie Couric.

Katie Couric's so hot.

Mm-hmm. No, I get it, believe me.

I'm a Diane Sawyer guy, but I get it.

But that is when you became erect,

the blood got trapped north of the ring,

the ring got stuck,
and boom, here we are.

That is investigative prowess.

- Whoa, Cap.
- I think it's the full moon.

I probably should've
gone to the ER, but I...

I'm marginally famous.

So, the question is do we
cut off the ring or the penis?

The ring! The ri... ring.

All right. Got the
perfect thing for that.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no.

- That's aggressive.
- I got the thing.

- This guy.
- Oh, wow, that's for trees.

- You know what... blowtorch.
- Granny, come on.

His genitalia will
definitely feel the sting.

- Yes, genitalia will feel it.
- [RING CLATTERS]

- Hey-o!
- Hey!

Chet, I apologize about
the little back and forth.

We just wanted to take
your mind off of things.

Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you.

Thank you both. That...
Goodnight and good luck.

Whoa, there it was. Do it again.

Goodnight and good luck.

- Ooh.
- [CHUCKLES] Every time, right?

- Goodnight and good luck.
- I love it.

Look, it has an inscription.

No, no, I'm good, I'm good.

[CHEERING]

Ah, see? This is weird, man.

This is weird.

Excuse me.

Tacoma Fire Department. We're gonna...

Stop stepping on my hose!

Who the hell are these people, man?

Is it truly necessary to extinguish
the lunar flame of Quietus?

Are you in charge of the...
the scary dancing and stuff here?

That is correct.

- I am Tothar.
- Okay.

Uh, all right, Tolthar.

Um, so you can't have an
open flame out here, pal.

But this is the sacrificial night.
We need all four elements

to properly honor the
super blue blood moon.

Well, we're gonna have to take
away the element of fire,

but we'll leave you with some water.

Dude, are you serious?

- Yeah.
- Water?

- Yeah.
- We need all four elements.

- I just said that.
- Sorry, man.

You know, just doing our job.

We're not jumping in
the fire, guys, come on.

- Aah!
- How you doing, ma'am?

- Aah!
- Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell, man?!

Why are your friends biting?

Aah!

This kills, man.

That's why we wear our gloves, buddy.

[CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY] Really?

She broke the skin, but
it doesn't seem too bad,

so don't worry.

Honestly, man, back in my day,

it was just flapjacks
and finger banging.

Now it's lunar sacrifice and biting.

[CHUCKLES]

Why would she bite me?

♪♪

I was a medic in the US Army.

You telling me helping people
doesn't interest you at all anymore?

This man is stuck inside a thermos.

♪♪

Yeah, you're right.

It's stuck on there tight.

What's in the thermos?

I mean, my d*ck.

Thought that, but...

Uh, and some pretty good soup.

Okay, I'm gonna tell
you how this happened.

This is good. Watch this.

♪♪

You liked the soup so
much, you f*cked it.

He gets me.

Whoa, man, I've had good soup before,

but never enough to f*ck it.

No, no, this isn't good soup.

This is great soup.

Minestrone... champagne of soup.

Here's the thing, though...

Uh, my d*ck's starting to
hurt, and I got to take a piss.

You know, that might be our best bet.

- What?
- Urinate.

In my dinner?

Dude, it's still warm.

You're not still planning
on eating that, are you?

Well, yeah. Waste not, want not, right?

You know what? That's
admirable, but, uh,

I'm gonna need you to relax and go

in one... two...

You know, counting is
actually not helping.

...three.

- [TINKLING]
- Oh, that helped. Ohh.

Simple physics, really.

The space inside the thermos is finite.

And when you add matter to that space...

[THERMOS POPS] Oh!

[CLATTERS]

Oh, man, that worked!

You guys are awesome!

Uh, one thing.

I still got a soda
can in my ass, though.

What are we gonna do about that one?

Dude.

I'm going to the truck.

- ♪♪
- [PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Station 24.

Is it a beep or a chirp?

Yeah, well, that's your battery.

Oh, uh, you can get batteries

at any hardware store or grocery store.

Or any store, really.

All right, you, too.
Have a nice evening.

[SIGHS]

Wow, guys. It is really crazy in here.

Well, not really.

Just making some of my
famous five-alarm chili.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

We could get called into
action at any moment.

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

Not from me.

Is that where that stuff belongs?

[GROANS]

♪♪

Four-letter word for English coin.

- Ghoul?
- Yen.

No, didn't fit.

Nickel.

No. No, not nickel.

Shilling?

Oh, yeah, shilling. Good.

Did you get the GPS working?

Uh, no. There's no signal. It's, uh...

I guess the full moon,
it's the gravitational pull.

The gravitational pull of what?

The Internet? [LAUGHS]

Blech!

Oh, man. [CHUCKLES]

I feel like crap.

Ah, did you eat the pork for dinner?

I'm so sweaty. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I think it's this bite.

No, no, no. I cleaned
it, and then Granny

will take a look at it when we get back.

Maybe it's the moon.

What?

Ohh, no.

You don't think that girl was...

like, a werewolf, do you?

[LAUGHS]

- What if she's a werewolf, Andy?
- No way, man.

I tell you, I can...
I can hear everything.

It's like my senses are
heightened, you know?

- I can hear the animals.
- [WOLF HOWLING]

I can hear their little heartbeats.

[SNIFFS]

- Come on, man, let's...
- Aah!

Andy, I think she was a werewolf, man!

All right, cut it out, Ike.

Check my teeth. Are... Are they growing?

- Andy, look! Look at my teeth!
- Cut it out. Come on, man.

- Andy, look at my teeth!
- Cut it out!

I said cut it out!

So help me God, Cap, if
this is one more d*ck,

- I'm gonna lose it.
- Come on, don't be re-d*ck-ulous.

Tacoma FD.

MAN: Door's open!

Just go, yeah.

Oh, man, it smells good in here.

Hey, full moon or not,
there's more to our jobs

than just getting guys'
dongs unstuck from...

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, come on!

I know, right? I mean, this is crazy.

I feel exactly the same way you
gentlemen feel, believe me.

Sir, your junk better not
be inside of that toaster.

That's okay 'cause I
unplugged it already.

Mmm-mmm!

You know, Captain Stanky
Stankiewicz gave me this chili recipe.

He said, "Make it hot.

That's how firefighters live life!"

Sounds like "Backdraft."

You know what, it does. Mmm.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Hey there, ma'am. Can we help you?

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

I-I'm sorry, I don't...
I don't speak, uh...

I think she wants us to put
that car seat in her car.

Oh, we... we... we can't
do that. It's a liability issue.

You should know that, by the way.

- Nyet.
- Nyet?

Nyet.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

- Nyet, baby seat.
- Nyet, nyet.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

- What's going on?
- [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

She wants us to install a car seat.

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN]

We don't do that.

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN]

Liability issue!

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN]

May I suggest the police station?

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN]

Come on, what's the big
deal? It's just a car seat.

We're not doing anything today.

Fine. Where's your car, ma'am?

Honda.

Honda, okay, great.

- I'll help.
- Not necessary.

Please let me do something.

- Okay, come on.
- [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Here we are, ma'am. Why
don't you have a seat?

Here you go.

You know what? How about some chili?

Here we go. Mm-hmm.

Just like the old country.

- Ooh. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
- Yes.

BOTH: One, two...

Three! [GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

MAN: [GROANING]

Ohh!

I think it's caught in the coils.

- No sh*t.
- Okay. One, two, three!

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

Ohh! Ohh! God!

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, anytime.

- Nice crumbshot.
- [CHUCKLES]

Lock the door.

Oh, my hands are stretching!

You know, like when the
Werewolf's hands stretch

right in front of his
face in that movie?!

It was a movie.

Yeah, that's what's
happening to me right now.

Right now, Andy!

[GROANS] And I am ravenous!

[LAUGHS]

And you know I never
use three-syllable words.

Just chill out. Just chill out.

Okay.

No offense, Andy,

but you look delicious right now.

Do I look juicy?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Marbleized? [CHUCKLES]

♪♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪♪

[GROANS]

[HEART b*ating,
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- You smell so good.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

I'm definitely a wolf.

We have to go back and find that girl

so I can find out
what's happening to me.

We don't need to find her.

If we don't go back and find that girl,

- I'm gonna eat you!
- Okay, okay, okay, we'll find her!

We'll find her!

Do you want me to drive?!

It's easy. You just find the
clasps and you hook them in.

There's nothing easy about that.

Breathe in and out of your... face.

- [WOMAN BREATHING SHALLOWLY]
- I don't know what happened!

- Holy sh*t!
- Oh, my God.

One minute she was
enjoying my delicious chili,

and the next, her water broke.

You fed your five-alarm
chili to a pregnant woman?

Hey, it's really good chili.

Ohh! Oh, no, my chili!

- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- All right, here we go,

here we go, here we go.

LUCY: Take deep breaths, deep breaths.

Just push.

Ghoul, put that fire out.

Should we call an ambulance?

No, no, I can see the head.
This baby's coming.

We're gonna deliver it.

♪♪

DISPATCH: Rescue 42... Summit Park.

Male missing an appendage.

Rescue 42 en route.

You like my French accent?

Super blue blood moon!

[GROANS] Man, just take me home.

Just take me home.

Oh, come on, it's a missing appendage.

It's not gonna be another d*ck.

No, it's gonna be a d*ck.

The night we're having,

we're gonna walk right
into a damn peen-ectomy.

How you doing, friend?

I lost my toe.

[LAUGHS] Yes.

Yes, it's a toe. It's a toe, dude.

I'm glad somebody happy about it.

Granny, not cool.

Sorry. I...

How'd it happen?

I got it caught in my bicycle spokes.

Didn't your mama ever tell
you not to ride your bike

- without your shoes on?
- I like my sandals.

All right, well, let's see
if we can get you bandaged up,

and then we'll get you
to the ER, all right?

We can get that reattached.
Now, where's the toe?

Went flying off that
way. I hope you find it,

'cause I lost one on the
other foot in Vietnam.

I served in Afghanistan.

Well, it look like you still serving.

He sure is, sir. He sure is.

Would you find that toe, please?

I can.

♪♪

[GROWLING]

Ike? Ike?

Andy, Andy! You better go.

I'm not responsible for
what I do when I turn!

Just go. Run.

You have to save yourself.

- What?
- Run, Andy! Run! Run!

Whoa, he looks like he's tripping.

- Where's the girl?
- Oh, boy.

Where's the girl?!

Shauna is, uh...

Oh, she's there. That's Shauna.

Oh, she took red
pelican ecstasy, though.

She might bite again.

It's an intense roll.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, she bit him and...

Wow, that must've been
some powerful stuff

if it got into his system.

Thank goodness.

I really thought he was
gonna turn into a wolf.

- That's LARP, man.
- What?

LARP... Live Action Role-play.

It's what we do here.

Hey, you look cool.
Give me your e-mail.

I'll put you on the next blast.

I'm good, man.

Andy, Andy.

Shauna, Kenneth, and Starboy

want to go to the zoo for a little bit,

and I told them that you could drive us.

Are you cool to drive?

- Uh, yeah, I guess.
- He said yes! He said yes!

Yes! [LAUGHS]

Wow. [LAUGHS]

- Okay.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Guys, we're going to the zoo!

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

How long will this last for?

- About six hours.
- Yipes.

Come on, you guys!

♪♪

Ohh!

TERRY: All right, here we
go, here we go, here we go.

Ghoul, get the fire extinguisher!

I don't know where anything is here!

Oh, my God, is that the head?

Oh, that's very bloody.

- [CRASH]
- Oh, my God!

All right, listen, you're
gonna deliver this baby.

- I'm gonna put the fire out.
- What?!

When she pushes, just
gently guide it out, okay?

- Don't pull, guide.
- Don't... Don't pull.

- Yeah.
- Guide.

- [SCREAMING]
- Okay.

All right, sweetheart, we got this.

It's gonna be okay. You're doing great.

Just push. Push.

Push. All right, breathe.

- [SCREAMS]
- Okay. Yes.

I see... I see the head. You're
almost there. Just push.

Here she comes. Here she
comes! Here comes the baby!

Push. Oh, my gosh!

- It's a beautiful girl.
- [LAUGHS]

Impressive, probie.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Oh, my gosh. [GRUNTING]

- Ano... Another one?
- [SCREAMING]

She's... She's... Twins?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

Pretty boring night, huh, probie?

Full moons are not bullshit.

♪♪

Man, it's like trying to
find a toe in a haystack.

♪♪

Hey, yo, Cap, why don't you
use that Sherlock Holmes stuff

that you was doing earlier?

Not working. I can't see anything.

Flashlight's broken.

[LAUGHS] 'Cause it's not a flashlight.

It's my Breezy Canyon.

What? I was curious.

LUCY: I got to tell you guys,

being at the station was
way more epic tonight.

Looking for a toe's
definitely a step down

from delivering twins
and putting out fires.

And fighting off werewolves.

- Hey, where is Ike, anyway?
- He's still in the ER.

I tried to return him into the wild,

but he developed a real
taste for civilization.

I'll tell you one thing, Cap,

I learned a real life lesson tonight.

- Yeah, what's that?
- That there is nothing,

I mean nothing more gratifying
than the look in a man's eyes

when you free his junk from captivity.

[LAUGHS] Guys are ridiculous.

I mean, what night do we
get all the calls about women

sticking stuff in their hoo-hahs?

- My birthday.
- Oh, hey!

- I found something.
- No, no, no, no.

I got it, I got it.

Look at this.

- That's a toe.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, that's a toe.
- Oh, well, what is...

Oh, my God, that's a d*ck!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[WOLF HOWLING]