03x02 - Hell Week

[bunniefuu]

- [exhales] This is never easy

We've been together a long time.

You've always been there for me

with comfort and support.

Can't believe
we're parting ways.

Wow, this is hard.

- You really crying
over a chair?

- Not crying. I'm
just saying goodbye.

- Let it go. It has
no back support.

It has no butt support.

- You know what it
has? Emotional support.

I've had this thing forever.

I rocked our babies
in this chair.

I watched the Mariners b*at the
Yankees in '95 in that chair.

I surfed the internet
for the first time

in that chair on
a dial-up modem.

- You have trouble
parting with things:

Your cars, your clothes.

You still have that Chumbawamba
concert T-shirt from the '90s.

- When you were
pregnant with Lucy,

your water broke in that chair.

- And I thought you should've
gotten rid of it then.

- Come on, look at it!

[groans] My baby.

Whoa-ho-ho.
- Okay, okay.

- Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
- All right, all right.

- Whoa-ho-ho!
- Oh, dear.

- That's my girl!
- Yeah.

- Oh, she still has pep!

- Honey, she's had a good life.

Just get a new one,

and then you can keep
the new one for 30 years.

- Mom!

Where's my laundry?
- How old is she?

- Maybe it's time to
put her on this pile.

- Mom!
- [sighs]

Okay, you're in the pile, pal.

Oh, hey, look, my old VCR tapes.

There's some real gold in here.

Hey, honey, you want to watch
"Moulin Rouge!" tonight?

- No!

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

You don't want to go, do you?

I know just what to do with you.

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

[upbeat music]

♪

- Oh, my God.
- No, stop, stop, stop.

I told you, you have
a lack of rhythm.

Do not do that.
- I can't help it.

It's kind of a big week.

- It is?
- What's going on?

- It's my last
week of probation.

- Oh, we're familiar.
I think it's Hell Week.

- Oh, yeah!

- I love Hell Week!

- Yeah, I think Hell Week
is better than Christmas.

- I'll tell you this much.
I'm ready for whatever

lame ass pranks you
guys have planned,

so bring it on.

- Maybe our pranks
wouldn't be so lame

if we weren't taking
it easy on you

since your dad is the Chief.

- What does that mean?

- It means, as
Daddy's little girl,

you basically got to coast

all through your
probationary period.

It's pure nepotism.

- Coasting around
being neptolyptic.

- That's not the word.

- Our probation
periods were savage.

- Oh, brutal!
- Look at this!

Hose nozzle to the
face, scratched cornea.

- See that dent on the
wall? That's from my head.

They blacked out my
SCBA and made me chase

after a chicken all
through the break room!

- Cluck, cluck, motherfucka.
- Boom!

Hm, what's this? Oh,
fractured patella.

That's when Andy had to chase a
chicken around the break room!

- Yeah.

- Two separate
injuries, same thing.

- You guys are so
strange. Give it a rest.

No one said to go easy on me.
- Actually, your dad did.

- Well, that's too bad
because I'm still smarter

and better than you.
- [scoffs]

- So you can either
complain about it,

or you can try your
pranks, your choice.

- Don't tell us what
our choices are.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey.

- Huh? Congratulations.

It's Lucy's last
week as a probie.

- We were just
talking about that.

- Yeah, we were.
- When you're done celebrating,

come see me in my office.

- Ooh, I hope she's in trouble.

- No one's in trouble.

We just got a couple
things to go over

with the soon-to-be
firefightress.

- Wow. You know what?

I bet you Lucy's
getting a raise.

- Okay, everyone gets a raise

when their probation
period's over.

- They do?
- Oh, my God.

You guys need to stop
being such weak tits.

- Okay.
- Yeah, what's a weak tit?

- What is a weak tit?
- I don't know.

What's a weak tit?

[upbeat music]

- Oh, no, no, no, what
is that thing doing here?

- Oh, Vicky wanted
me to throw it out,

so I promoted it
to Chief's chair.

- You know, I'm pretty
sure on my 30th birthday,

I got wasted and pissed
all over that thing.

- You did that on your


- And yet you still have it.
- It's a good chair.

- Look at the blast
zone on that thing.

There's literally a crater
in the center of the seat.

- There's some wear
and tear, yeah.

- Wear and tear?

It's like you took a
gassy pressure washer

to it for decades.

No chair wants to
be abused like that.

- Any chair would be happy
to be as engaged as that one.

- Engaged? More
like suffocated.

Think about how much of you
that chair has had to inhale.

Think of the methane
gas concentration

in the seat of that chair.

It's a fire hazard.
- Nah, it's perfectly good.

This chair's old
school, man, like me.

That's why it's in
this office. Oh-ho-ho!

- Do you think every time
you fall into that thing,

it's like "Oh!"

- Oh, come on, it's
perfectly fine.

It doesn't recline
like it used to,

but sturdy, comfortable-ish.

- You are so stubborn,
man. Get rid of that thing.

- What's up, Daddio?

Whoa, is that your
hot wings chair?

- Lucy, we called you in
here 'cause we want to talk

about your last
week of probation.

- About where we're gonna
do celebratory dinner?

I was thinking we could do Thai.

- No, about the fact that
you're about to become

a firefighter, and we're not
sure you're ready for it.

- Uncle Eddie?
- It's true.

- That's problem number
one: your familiarity.

You don't respect the hierarchy.

- Or fire-archy.

- Outside these walls,
you're my daughter,

and you're his niece,
but inside these walls,

I'm the Chief, and
he's the Captain.

- But, Dad...
- It's Chief.

You know what? I blame myself.

I'm an enabler.
- She should know better.

- You skated through
your probation.

You still live at home.

- Why are you being so prickly?

- Because you've had it
easy, and you know it.

Now it's time to grow up
and become a firefighter.

[phone rings]

McConky.

- Hiya, Chief. Murph here.

- Is this brand-new Deputy
Commissioner Brad Murphy?

- The one and only.
- What do you say, Murph?

- I just wanted to reach
out in my new capacity

and let you know if there's
anything you guys need,

I'm here for you.

- I appreciate that, Murph.

Hey, beers on me next week.

- You got it, Chief.

I'll make my way over there
soon for an official visit.

Bye now.

- All right, thanks, Murph.

- Do not cozy up
to that guy, Chief.

Brad Murphy will throw you under
the bus at the drop of a hat.

- Maybe, but I respect
the chain of command.

- That's a good point.
- And you should too.

What we do here
is very important.

This job means everything to
me, and it should to you too.

- It does!
- Good.

And good luck on your Hell Week.

- Oh, hey, Luce, those guys
are gonna come at you hard.

I hope you're ready.
- I hope they're ready.

- Yeah. Dismissed.

Oh, jeez, okay.

- Look at you. Come
on, it's ridiculous.

Get rid of that thing.
- Just let it go.

- Okay, you know, Terry,

I think I understand
what's going on here.

Are you familiar with the
tale of the Velveteen Rabbit?

- Well, Vicky did all
the bedtime reading,

except "Very Hungry
Caterpillar."

That's a good one... oh,
and "Goodnight Moon."

That was dope.

- Yeah, okay, well,
Velveteen Rabbit is about

a young boy who loves on
his stuffed rabbit so much

that he loves the fur off it,
loves the whiskers off it.

The pink nose turns gray.

He hugs the stuffing
right out of it.

All the shape is gone. This
is the Velveteen Chair.

- That boy sounds like
a frugal young man

who enjoyed what he had.

- Yeah, but then the young
boy got a new stuffed rabbit,

and I'm getting you a new chair.
- What's in this for you?

- Why do you always assume
I'm after something?

- Because you're
always after something.

- You're my friend.

Your wellbeing is
important to me.

That chair hurts your back
and undermines your authority.

I'm getting you a new
chair, and that's it.

- I don't need a chair... okay.
[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

- So no d*ck pranks, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That's pretty limiting.

- What about when Meyers put
the Zany Glue in the underwear?

That was a good one.
- Yeah, we could do that one.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- d*ck prank.

- It is?
- Oh, yeah.

No, it is, 'cause he had his
d*ck stuck to the underwear.

- Oh.
- Hey, wait!

Is there such thing
as vag*na pranks?

- Ooh, let me look it up.
- Look it up, vag*na pranks.

- V-A-G...
- I know how to...

- Here, let me.
- I know how to spell it.

- Do it on voice.
- Say it, say it, say it.

- Show me vag*na pranks.

"Did you mean d*ck pranks?"

- No, we didn't.
- Oh, man.

[scraping]
- Hey, hey!

- Ow, ow!

[scraping]

- Stop, stop, stop!
- Ow!

[suspenseful music]

- You kids today know
nothing about a good prank.

It's all dance
challenges and TikToks.

In my day,

pranks shook a man to his core.

- How long have we
had that chalkboard?

- That's the problem, Cap.

How can we shake the chief's
daughter to her core?

He'll k*ll us.
- Don't be so sure about that.

- Ahh!
- Oh, God, Jesus Christ.

Where'd you come from?

- Lucy deserves a good Hell
Week like any other probie.

You have my blessing
to do your worst.

- [laughs]
- Oh, really?

[all laughing]

- Shh, shh!

- Hell Week is on.

[upbeat music]

♪

[phone rings]
- One ring!

[phone rings]
- Two rings!

♪

- Station 24.

- Yeah, hi, I have
a health question.

- Go ahead.

- If I ate myself,
would I be twice as big?

- Sir, can you
hang on one second?

We just got an order
of creatine delivered.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Guys, help me out
here! Hold on!

- Prank calls? Really, guys?

What is this, the '90s?
- We're just getting warmed up.

- Hold on!
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Ah. Whoo!

Hilarious!

Guess what, hotshot?

Don't mess with a man's
creatine delivery!

That's crossing
the line you know.

- Too easy.

- We need to take
a posture quiz.

- I don't want to
take a quiz, Eddie.

- But we need to figure out
what kind of chair you need.

- I have a chair!
- Okay, any pain in your neck?

- You.
- That's a yes.

Wrist pain?
- From my chair?

- It has to do with the
angle at which you type.

- The angle at which I type
is seated like most people.

- Do you eat at your desk?

That's a yes.

How often do you
go to the bathroom?

- That's none of your business.

- I don't make the questions.

Is it less than
five times or more?

- Depends what I have for lunch.

- How about a pastrami sandwich?

- More.
- Do you prefer your feet

to touch the ground
or to dangle?

- I'm an adult.
- Face shape:

oval, square, round, triangle?

- Oval.
- Round.

Do you prefer hugs or kisses?

- What the hell has that
got to do with anything?

- I'm just kidding. All
right, let me tabulate.

Okay, this is interesting.

This recommends a
standing desk for you.

- What?

I didn't become Chief
to stand all day.

I want a chair.
- I'm sorry, what's that?

- I want a chair!
- I knew you'd agree.

Let me get you some options.

- You tricked me.
- Yeah.

♪

- Hm.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Oh, man, so many dishes.
- Come on, come on.

It's gonna take all night.

- I know you guys are
doing never-ending dishes,

but I'll just keep
going until you give up.

♪

- My arms are
getting tired anyway.

- Thanks a lot, Andy.
You blew it, man.

- How? How?

- You just did, man.
- She can tell!

- What? Did you see my swoop?

I was doing this.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I think this might
be the answer for you.

- I don't know
about this, Eddie.

- Come on, it's
great for your back.

It's great for a nap.
You've got blood flowing.

- I can taste the blood.

- Your belly's up
by your throat now.

- My eyes feel like
they're gonna pop.

- I love it.
- Eh.

I don't think I like
this view of the world.

[creaking] Ahh! [groans]

Okay.
- [laughs]

- Eddie, help me out.
- Stay right there.

- Stop that. Don't post that!

- It's fantastic.
- Come on!

I don't get it. What is this?

- It's a kneeling
chair. You kneel on it.

- You kneel on the chair?
- You kneel on it.

You've got your
knees in the front.

Oh, yeah, there you go.
- Put the knees in here?

- I think so.
- Like this?

Who would do this?

- People who want
a straight back.

You feel anything
in your haunches?

- No, am I doing it right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You look great from
here. [cracking]

- Ahh!

- [laughs] Gravity's a bitch.

- [groans]

[laughing]

- Oh, yeah, come on.
- Look at this! Huh?

He-he-hey-o!

This is interesting.
- Look at this.

It's impossible to break.

"Burst resistant."
"Anti-burst technology."

- So you can't break it?
- Yeah, I think we found one.

- Yeah, I could go with this.

Yah!

- [laughs]

I have never seen that before.

- I want my chair back.
- I want my money back.

- Engine 24 Rescue 42 on a
still to 1 Leonard Street

priority 2 for a man
stuck in a jungle gym.

♪

[laughter]

- Coleslaw, nice.

♪

- Hey, do you want some
chicken and waffles with those?

[coleslaw sloshing] [laughter]

- We got her, guys!

All right, I'm right
there, I'm right...

Oh, glue, really? Ah, oh!

- [laughs]

- [groaning]
- Loser.

♪

- Honestly, guys, it would be
so much easier if she just...

- Don't say it!

- If she had a d*ck.
- Hey!

- I will use this to
close your ass shut.

- Why are you mad at me?

You don't have to
glue my ass shut.

Glue her ass... no...
- Come here.

- Stop, stop!

- I give you the ErgonomoFit
from Battlestar Sciatica.

- Where are you getting
all these chairs?

- I'm sleeping with the floor
manager over at Chair Supply.

We like to sit on each other.
- Hm, figures. How much is it?

- Terry, you can't
put a price on health.

- Actually, you can.

♪

Oh, wow.

Oh. Oh, damn.
- Am I right?

- This is amazing.
- Uh-huh.

- Let's try some of this sh*t.

Oh, oh-ho, oh!

I think my hips just realigned.
- I knew they would.

- You know, I was
suspicious of your motives,

but this chair is pretty good.

- Why are you always
questioning my motives?

- 25 years experience!
- I want you to be well.

- How much does it cost?
- Two grand.

- Two thousand dollars?
- Yeah.

- For that?
- Mm-hmm.

- Eddie, I'm a fire chief,
not a Kansas City Chief.

- Terry, treat yourself,
don't cheat yourself.

- How long you been
sitting on that line?

- I don't know; how
long you been sitting on

that Kansas City Chief line?
- Touché.

I'm not buying this chair.

- Terry, come on, sit in
it again, one more time.

It feels so good.

- [sighs]

[groans]
- Mm-hmm.

- It is amazing.
- It's noice.

- It is noice.

- If your back's toight,
it'll make it roight.

- Ahh!
- Oh!

I'm starting to think
you're the problem.

- I want my chair back!

♪

- You missed a spot.

Hey, Cap! How goes
the old chair hunt?

- Not great, turns out "sturdy"
is the most important element

in a Terry McConky chair.
- [laughs]

- Why are you really doing this?

- Why does everybody assume
I have an ulterior motive?

- Because you always do.
- Okay, fine, here's the deal.

I figure if I can convince
him to get a new chair,

then I can get a new chair
and get us new BarcaLoungers.

- Hey, no you're talking.
- That's my cap!

- Can we get the
ones that vibrate?

- Or the heated ones?
- Hey, back to work, probie!

- Oh, my God. What
kind of hazing is this?

You gave her a paintbrush?

- Yeah.
- When I was a probie,

they made me paint this entire
wall with just my tongue.

- Ew.
- You guys are soft.

- Damn, what is
up with this can?

Can you guys help we with this?
- Soft, huh?

Pass it over, toots.
- [laughs]

- Don't do it, Ike.

It's a setup.
- Setup for what?

I just can't get it.

- Brute strength
isn't gonna do it.

- Brute strength always works!
- No.

- What are you gonna do?

It's not a pickle
jar, knucklehead.

- Damn it! I'll do it
myself. Give it to me.

- Granny, don't.

Look at your fake-ass
muscles. Give it to me.

- Eddie, I thought you were
bringing my chair back.

- It's right here. I got it.

- You know what?
Actually, forget the can.

- We got it!
- No, it's okay.

- Hey, did Lucy give
you that can to open?

- Yeah, we got it.

- You know that's
the jack-in-the-box

paint can trick.

- Chief, we got it!
- Gah!

♪

- [slowed-down] No!

My chair!

- Dad, I-I'm sorry,
it was supposed...

- I don't want to hear it!

- But it was supposed
to land on them!

- It landed in my chair.

I told you it was
time to grow up,

but I guess you're not ready,

so I'm extending your
probation indefinitely!

- Dad, no, you can't do that...

- It's Chief and yes, I can.

On top of that, you're moving
out of my house immediately!

- You're kicking me out?
- Yes.

- You're gonna keep that chair,
but you're getting rid of me?

- The chair doesn't
act like a child.

Andy, clean up that chair!

- Why me?

- Oh, man.

Luce, if you're looking
for a place to stay,

I do have a friend of mine,
a stripper from the club,

she needs a roommate.
She makes good macaroni.

- You want to extend
my probie period?

Fine.

You guys want to see
a prank from a probie

on indefinite probation?

- Lucy, no! Chief
is off limits.

- But I'm his
daughter, remember?

- Hey, hey, hey, Lucy.

Don't do anything
you're gonna regret.

- What's he gonna do,
kick me out of the house?

You guys are gonna be talking
about this prank for years.

- That's how long you
gonna be on probation!

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

We're not allowed
to drive the SUV!

Ooh.

♪

- Okay, power drill,
check. Baby head, check.

Rubber chicken, check.
Quick-dry cement, check.

Now we just need one more thing
for the most epic prank ever.

♪

Oh, sh*t.

[tires squeal]

Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.

- And then I went
outside, and it was gone!

- [laughing]
- What are you laughing at?

- You're screwed.
- Lucy,

we told you not to
do it, didn't we?

- You guys, come on.

- Hey, don't worry
about it, Lucy.

I'll call Salazar, see
what the cops know, okay?

- Thank you, Andy.
- Lucy!

I talked to your mom.

She's willing to help
you find an apartment.

The coddling never
ends. [laughter]

- Hey, Chief, I need to
talk to you about something.

- When I get back... I gotta
go to a meeting at City Hall.

- But, Chief, it's...
- Oh.

Hello again, Deputy
Commissioner.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

- Terry, where is your
department vehicle?

- It's in the parking lot.
- That's not possible

because it was just found

crashed into a telephone pole

in a parking lot of a strip club

on Fairview Avenue.

- What?

- Chief, um...

[dramatic music]

♪

- Don't play dumb, Terry.

Were you drinking during
work hours at a strip club?

- Come on, Murph, you
know me better than that.

- Don't "Murph" me. I'm
the Deputy Commissioner.

Did you leave the
scene of an accident?

- Chief, I...
- Not now, Lucy.

No, sir!

- Did you let someone borrow
your department vehicle?

- Of course I didn't. Come on.

- So you're saying
someone stole it.

- I don't know what
happened to it.

- Your story stinks, Terry.

- All right, you
know what, Murph?

We've known each
other for a long time,

but with all due respect,

if you're not gonna
believe me, f*ck you!

- No, no, no...
- Chief, whoa.

- That's it, Terry. I'm
not putting up with this.

I'm letting you go.

- Hold on a second.
You're f*ring me?

- Clean out your office!

- Hold on, Murph.

- That's it, Terry. Goodbye.

- What the hell just happened?

- Dad?

- He can't fire me

after all the years I
put in this department.

This job's my life.

- Chief, you know... I don't
know, maybe I could call him,

or Andy could...
- You can't help me, Ike.

I'm gonna go talk to Eddie.

- Oh, my God.

- This job was
everything to him.

- Maybe we can still fight
it. My cousin's a lawyer.

- Yeah, a divorce lawyer.

- She can still
provide some insight!

- You guys, w-what do I do?

How do I fix this?

- You've done enough, probie.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to the Deputy
Commissioner's office

to see if I can get
Chief his job back.

- Ahh!

- Chief, no!

Chief, what are you
doing? Don't do it... no!

Chief, no!
- Ahh!

[loud thud]
- Dad!

♪

Dad?

Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, no!
- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!
- [laughing]

- Whoa!

- The probie finally gets the...

both: Ramadoodle!

- Not so cocky now,
are you, McConky?

- You faked your own death?

- I told you, old-time
firefighters prank hard.

- How long was
this in the works?

- Well, let's just say,
Eddie and I circled Hell Week

on the calendar a long time ago.

- Hey, Luce. Then we
recruited these guys.

They didn't need
much convincing.

- What about the
Deputy Commissioner?

- Oh, Murph? He
loves a good prank.

He was only too
happy to help us out.

- You couldn't have
known that I was gonna

steal the SUV though.

- I knew if I got
you mad enough,

you'd do something impulsive.

That's the Penisi in you.

So when you stole the
SUV, it was perfect.

There's a tracker in the SUV.

We tailed you, and then
when you went in the store,

Eddie swiped the truck.

♪

- Then we pulled old
Jumbo here out of storage,

the oversized CPR dummy,

dressed him up a little bit.

- We did have to fatten
him up quite a bit though

because, you know,
for authenticity...

- Okay, easy now.

- All right, you got
me good. I'll admit it.

But I'm actually
relieved 'cause I thought

I was really gonna have
to move out of the house.

- That still stands.

You're out at the
end of the month.

- What? -

But don't sweat it
because as of now,

you are a real firefighter.

- Probation's over?
- Probation's over.

- Yeah!

- Okay, ew, eh, okay, she's wet.

Okay.
- Okay, fine, fine.

High five!
- All right!

- All right, you know what?

I should dock your pay
for leaving the station

when you're on duty, but
because you're my daughter,

I'll let it slide.
- Whoops.

Kind of sounds like
nipple-tism to me there, Chief.

- Nepotism.
- Agreed to disagree.

- f*ck you, chair! Ahh!

- Eddie!

♪

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- Right on its feet!
- Whoa!

- Hey, it's perfect.
Lookit, not a scratch!

- Suck it, chair!
This isn't over!

- I will always love you.

You're strong, and you're tough.

You're sturdy, unbreakable.

Good luck on your own.

- Lucy, call if
you need anything.

- Well, I could probably use
some help unpacking my car.

- I agree, so I thought of
something else you can have.

Girls, your sister said
you can move in with her.

[both screaming]

- Okay, bye!

[both screaming]

- And that's how you
do a quick goodbye.

- MM, I'll miss them all.

- The young ones will be back.

- All right, let me enjoy
this for one second, please.

[upbeat music]

♪