04x05 - Death Photo

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, listen up.

Finally, official department
photos are next week.

So mark your calendars.
Make your preparations.

- Hey-o.
- Mm.

- We need a week to prepare?
- Well, you might.

But I don't because I'm noyce.

- [chuckles] noyce.

- Hey, this is your first
department photo, probie, hmm?

- Yeah.
- It's important.

We do it every few
years, and we use it

For all kinds of
professional things.

Id cards, press releases,
newspaper articles.

- Cool, how do I get my
picture in the newspaper?

- You die.
- What?

- These are also
affectionately known

As the "firefighter
death photo."

It's the picture they
use for your obituary.

- So not to be taken lightly

Unless you want to end up

Like captain boris chaffee.

Triple chin chaffee.

All: Triple chin chaffee.

[laughter]
- there he is.

- He was a revered captain.

He d*ed saving an entire
school bus full of kids.

And he was pretty
good-lookin', but...

He did not take
picture day seriously.

And this is how he will
always be remembered.

- It looks like he's wearing
a necklace of chins.

- I always wondered if
that bus landed on his face.

- All he had to do
was hold that chin up.

- And grow a mustache
for christ's sake.

- Come on.
- I mean, come on.

- And close your mouth.

- You know, he was
actually kind of a d*ck.

- Yeah, with the smelliest feet.

- And he was a close-talker.
- And terrible breath.

- Liar.
- Big gambler.

- Philanderer.

- Stole a lot of stuff
from the station.

- But he did save those kids.

- That's true.
- Yes, yes.

- Yes. May he rest in peace.

Both: Yeah, rest in peace.
- Yeah.

- Rest in peace.
- Rest in peace.

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Hey-o.

Who's ready for
picture day, huh?

- Yeah, chief, do you
want some breakfast?

- Nope, I'm gonna
stay lean today

For a good, professional photo.

- It's a good call, chief.
- Oh.

- Oh, boy.

- What's wrong
with your shoulder?

- I tweaked it pulling
up my comforter.

- What, do you have, like,

A weighted blanket or something?

- Nah, just
high-quality comforter.

- It's time to switch

To the lightweight
summer comforter.

- I don't know. I like to sweat.

- If I had a dime...

- Hey, lucy, don't make fun

Of your dad's failing health.

- I'm not failing. Just
got a bad shoulder.

- [chuckling] okay.

- What is happenin' here?

- Who you takin' to
the prom, there, tin tin?

- Okay, settle down.

Probie, this is exactly the
picture day energy I like.

Huh? The hair, the teeth.

Look at him. Perfect.

- Yeah, yeah.
The kid looks good.

The rest of you could learn
something from the probie

And take some
pride in your photo.

- For what?

They always get
my lighting wrong,

And my pictures suck.

- What am I supposed
to do, wear makeup?

- Do my hair?

- Maybe you should do your hair.

Your mother bought you that
nice new blow-dryer online.

- That thing's from europe.

And it doesn't even
have the right plugs.

- A little effort
would go a long way.

- If you care so much,
where is all your effort, guy?

- This face needs
no effort, guy.

- It is very distinguished, cap.

- Thank you, mickleberry.

- Distinguished is just
another word for old.

- Lucy, that's ageism.
- Mm-hmm.

- At least your dad and I care.

Yes, he is over 50

With an uninsurable
bmi and shoulder pain.

But the man is
foregoing his breakfast

For the death photos.

That's sacrifice.

- Hey! Dingleberry?
Who did that?

[both chuckling]

Was this you?
- No, it wasn't me.

- Was that you?

- No, I don't even
know how to sew, chief.

That's crazy.
- All right, listen up.

These photos are
gonna be professional.

You're gonna sit up
straight. You're gonna smile.

And don't be the
jokester trying to sneak in

Dirty messages.

- Do not be the jokester.

- All right.
- Carry on.

You look good, mickleberry.

- I did do it.

- [chuckles]
- I knew it.

- I knew it.
- I do know how to sew.

♪ ♪

- What are you doing?
- Oh, god!

- Are you putting on makeup?

- Wha... [chuckles]

No.

I mean, yes.

I am putting on makeup,

Uh, to cover my hickeys.

- On your forehead?
- You should see her face.

- Barf.
- Oh, whatever.

When two people love each other,

That's what they do.

- Wait, you've never covered up

Hickeys before.

- [gasps] because
those are no hickeys.

Those are botox bruises.

- What? No way.

- Yeah, way, I
watched four seasons

Of "botox bunnies" on trutv.

I know exactly
what I'm looking at.

- Okay, fine. Yes, I got botox.

And it's not the first time.

Only this time, I
got triple the ccs.

- Doesn't look any different.

- Ah, it hasn't kicked in yet.

But at any given moment,
this face is gonna freeze,

And these worry
lines will be blasted

Back to 1986.

You should try it sometime.
- I look just fine.

- Sure you do.

Whatever you do,
don't tell your dad.

- Why not?
- Well...

[chuckles] look at this
harley clifford-jones.

He's got rooster throat
but a smooth forehead.

He's not fooling anyone.

- Botox is for dorks.

- I totally agree.

There's nothing more attractive

Than aging gracefully.

- Bullshit, penisi.

Botox is right up your alley.
- That's ridiculous.

- I bet you 5 grand you use
it within the next ten years.

- [chuckles] you're on.

I will never do botox.

- Oh, ho.

- I am three weeks away
from winning that bet.

And I want that money.

- Why are you risking it

With three weeks to go?

- I've actually been on botox

The last ten years.

In fact, I was on botox
when we made the bet.

- You hypocrite.
- Well...

- You will be splitting
this with me, 50-50.

- Bullshit.

- Well, do you want to win 2,500

Or lose 5 grand
when I tell my dad?

- Oh, you are a
rotten little street rat.

Okay, fine. You're on.

But don't you say
a word to anybody.

- Nice doing business
with you, you vain assh*le.

- Get out of here.

♪ ♪

- Goodness gracious.

Will you stop with the primping?

- Easy for you to say.
When you're balding,

All you have to do
is shave your head.

- Excuse you?

- This could be
my first and last

Department photo, granny.

- Yeah, it's about to be.

- [groaning] oh, god.

- Firefighting is
a dangerous job.

Chief was right to say,
"take the photo seriously."

Especially when
you're as old as he is.

- What?

- You're constantly
cheating death.

- He's right, chief.

You are much closer
to death than all of us.

- We're the same age.

[grunts]
- yeah, but...[sighs]

You're the old same age.
I'm the young same age.

My psyche's in a
much better place

'cause I don't feel old.
You know why that is?

- I know why.

- It's a little something
called "dostadning."

- Dodadning?
- Dostadning.

- Dodesting?
- Dostadning.

- Tostitos?
- It means "death cleaning."

It's a swedish custom my
second wife taught me about.

When you get to a certain age,

It's the process of
unburdening yourself

Of unnecessary belongings.

- Sounds like
european bullshit to me.

- Oh, I read about that.

You get rid of your
physical clutter,

And it eliminates
your mental clutter.

You feel younger.
- That's right, probie.

Even the probie knows.

- This whole thing
sounds stupid.

Oh, god, ah.

- Oh, my god.
- Ouch.

- I have a delivery
for granfield smith

From tacoma creative photo.

- Oh, sh**t.

- Um... [laughs]

Wow, I asked you
to deliver that outside.

- What'd you get, granny?
- Just some body cam stuff.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool.
- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- [groaning] oh, boy.

- You know, you really should
get that shoulder checked out.

- Ah, it's just old age.

I know you're full
of false bravado.

But does this old age
talk ever bother you?

- Nah, I still kick so much ass.

You know, I meant
what I said out there.

I have no mental clutter,

And it keeps me feeling young.

But you are clutter city.

You can't even let go
of old electric razors.

- Why would I throw
away good batteries.

- Well, you need
a good dostadning.

You gotta declutter yourself.

Throw away something
you don't want anymore.

- That's rough.

Oh, you know that throw
pillow you gave me?

- [chuckles] the
one where I'm eating

The chicken wings
on it? Yeah, yeah.

- This one.
- [laughs]

"sit on this."

Oh, man. That
thing is hysterical.

- It's pretty funny.

I'm gettin' rid of it.

- Okay.

Okay. How'd that feel?

- I feel like I just
unbuckled my belt

After a rack of ribs. [chuckles]

You were right. I
never liked that pillow.

But you did. So I held onto it.

And, frankly, it was a burden.
- Okay.

- [sighs] but
now I feel lighter.

- That's what
dostadning is all about.

- Then I'm
dostadning -ing-ing-ing.

- Yeah, you are.

- Okay.
- [laughs]

[face creaking]

♪ ♪

Lucy.

- Oh, you look
pleased with yourself.

- The botox kicked in
while I was being smug.

Now I'm stuck in "smug face."
- what?

- How the hell am
I gonna hide this?

♪ ♪

- I need to avoid terry
until this wears off.

- You're gonna avoid him
for the next three months?

You look like the cat
that swallowed the canary.

- You mean the cat
that got the cream?

- Don't you dare correct me

With that smug
look on your face.

- Hey-o.
- Cover me.


- It's 60-40 now.

- Such a street rat.

- Eddie, you look like the
cat that caught the mouse.

- Gotta run.
- Huh, okay.

Ever get the feeling
he's too cocky?

- Every single day.

- Lucy...

I've decided to do the
swedish dostadning.

And in the interest
of decluttering,

I've decided to get
something off my chest.

- Okay.

- You know how
you always asked me

Why you didn't
have a birthday party

Until you were seven?

- Yes, I recall.

- Well, in 1998,

Ken griffey jr. Led
the american league

With 55 home runs.

On September 25th,

He was going for
a career high 56.

And I had the tickets.
- Oh.

- But, unexpectedly, vicky
went into labor with you

And I had to give
up those tickets.

[chuckles]

That night, when I
was in the hospital,

Ken griffey jr. Hit
his 56th home run.

And because of
your birth, I missed it.

- I think you
made the right call

Being there for you daughter...

- And for seven long
years, I held it against you.

It was a very difficult
post-partum time for me.

But now I'm over it.

Whoo. [chuckles]

That feels great. Wow.

[chuckles] okay.

- Are you f*cking kidding?

- Excuse me, hey, chief,
did you want to see me or...

- Oh, yeah. Come
on in, sit down.

- Uh, was it just me

Or was it mickleberry
and them too?

- Just you.

- Um, if this is about
all, like, the protein shake

And everything
that was left out,

I think mickleberry
might have got into that.

That might not...

- This is not about mickleberry.

This is something else.

As a result of my dostadning,

I've decided to give you

One of my most
prized possessions.

My joke collection.
- Why me?

- Well, I know you have
trouble completing your jokes.

I thought this
could help you out.

- I mean, I... it's not
that I have trouble

Completing jokes.
It's that, you know,

Sometimes I'm trying to
think of, like, the perfect...

- [chuckles] my joke collection.

- Oh, whoa. [chuckles] cool.

What... it's gotta be, like,


- Thousands. And
I've sucked 'em all.

- Each one has a joke on it?
- Yeah.

My kids didn't want
them, so I figured

I'd give them to you.

- Ah, wait, your kids
didn't want these?

- Yeah, weird, right?

- So many. Okay, uh...

"what's the hardest thing
about learning to ride a bike?"

Both: The pavement!

[both laugh]

- 'cause you're gonna
fall off and hit your head.

- You picked the best
one right off the bat.

[laughs]
- oh, that is so funny.

All right... wait,
"what kind of a car

Does an egg drive?"

"a yolkswagon."

Yolkswagon?
- Yolks-wagon?

- "a yo..." [laughs]

Yolkswagon.
- [chuckles]

- Oh, man.

- I didn't get it the
first time either.

- Wait, do you
want me to give you

A handful too and we
can, like, go back and forth?

- No, no, I think
that's... that'll be all.

You're dismissed.

- Ugh, so sticky. [chuckles]

You know what, chief?

I actually was having a
hard time telling jokes.

- Don't draw it out. You can go.

- Do you want it open or closed?

- Uh, you can keep it open.
- You got it, chief.

Yeah!
- Yeah.

[sighs]

Dostadning. Dostadning.

Doo-stadning.

Dostadning. Wow.

♪ ♪

- This book is so, so sad.

I think I'm gonna cry.

- Hey, anybody know

When the photographer
showin' up?

- Don't know, don't care.

- What you lookin' for?
- What?

Uh, nothing.

Has anyone seen an
international plug adapter?

- What do you need it for?
- My radio.

- You still have
a plug-in radio?

Cool.
- [chuckles]

"because they live in schools."

[snorts] this one
gets me every time.

- Ike, those popsicle
sticks still look wet.

Please tell me you boiled them.

- Uh, no. I'm not
gonna boil them, lucy.

'cause that would
erase the jokes.

The jokes are printed on
here. You know that, right?

Oh, here's one.
Hey, here, I got one.

"what is a cow's favorite
form of entertainment?"

- Moo-vies.

- [laughs] - [laughs
sarcastically]

- Hey, man, what's with
that smug look on your face?

It hasn't changed for an hour.

- This is the way I always look.

- Hey, cap, did you get
the botox for the picture?

- What? No, probie, be quiet.

- You did. You're frozen.

- Whoops. [chuckles]

- Okay, fine. A little bit.

- Look at you,

Mr. "I don't care about
the photo. I don't age."

[scoffs] so disappointing.

- Okay, just keep it quiet.

- Wait, cap, I got one for you.

"what goes up but
doesn't come down?"

"your age." [laughs]

It's, like, the perfect one.

Literally the perfect
one for this moment.

- [chuckles weakly]

- I feel like the
strawberry ones

Are always the funniest.

- Hey, eddie, can I
see you in my office?

- Me? Now?

- Yeah, now. Stop being so smug.

- But I'm not being smug.

Oh, boy.

♪ ♪

- Eddie, sit down.
- Nah, I'ma stand.

- No, please, sit down. Come on.

- No. I'd prefer to stand.

- Please. It's a
dostadning thing.

Come on.
- [sighs]

- Sit down, come on.

[exhales heavily]

I didn't think I'd
be this nervous.

[chuckles] okay.

In an attempt to get
my affairs in order,

Vicky and I have
decided that in the event

That something
should happen to us,

We would be honored if
you would be the guardian...

Of our daughters.

[exhales]

I'm being serious.

- Yeah, no, it's
incredible. I'm humbled.

- Do you understand
the significance

Of what I'm asking?

- Yeah.

- Then what's with
the smug face?

- Mm-mm, I'm not smug.

I'm overjoyed.
- This is overjoyed?

- That's not how I look.
- This is your face.

- That's not how I look.
- Okay, eh?

That's exactly how you look.

[alarm blares] - mva.

Engine 24 and rescue...
- Oh, gotta roll.

We'll pick this up later.

- What's wrong with you,
you smug piece of sh*t?

♪ ♪

- Damn it. I need
to fix my hair again.

The photographer
will be here soon.

- Yeah, got time to
go to the salon, bro.

[both laugh]

- Hey, hey. Luce, luce, luce.

Hey, your dad is gonna
want to talk to me again.

I cannot accept his
dostadning with my face like this.

- Well, at least your dostadning

Was a heartfelt gesture.

He told me a baseball game

Was more important
than my birth.

- Yeah, he hated you
forever for that one.

He used to cry every time
he changed your diapers.

On the flip side, though,

He did give me the
tickets to that game.

So thank you very much.

- It's 70-30 now.
- What?

I'm so mad right now.

- I actually can't even tell.

- Oh, I am furious.

- Here, let me help.

♪ ♪

Your face feels like clay.
- I know.

- Okay, hold on, here
we go. [face crackling]

Oh, okay. All right.

We're getting a little traction.

- Oh.
- Whoa.

- Okay, I feel like I felt
my expression change.

- Well...

Your face is actually dead.

[dramatic chord]

- Eddie, can we continue
our conversation, please?

- [sighs]

♪ ♪

- Ooh. Hi, ike!

- Oh.
- Hi.

- Hey. How's it going?

Uh, I... sorry.

Uh, guys, this is billie jean,
my neighbor, billie jean.

- It's 3:00.

- Oh, yeah! No, no, no.

I mean, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Oh, it's 3:00.

That... because, um,
billie jean, wanted to,

Have a tour of the fire station.

She's never been to
a fire station before.

- Guilty. [both chuckle]

- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

Um, just right this way.
- Oh, okay.

- We can start in here.
- Okay.

- Is billie jean his lover?
- I don't know.

It ain't none of my business.

♪ ♪

- [exhales heavily]

I know I sprung a
big ask on you before,

And I'm sorry about that.

I should have given
you time to think.

- No, no. I'm honored, really.

- Well, it's just
that we're friends

And, uh...

Am I catching you
at a bad time here?

- Mm-mm. Why?

- Seems like you don't
care about what I'm saying.

- I do. I totally care.

- All right, well, I'm trying
to do a dostadning here,

And it seems like
you're refusing

My dostadning.

- No, I fully support
the dostadning.

I'm the one who
suggested the dostadning.

- Well, I'm not gettin'
a very supportive vibe.

Do you not care about my kids?

- I do. I love your kids.

- You know what, eddie?

Don't be sarcastic
about someone's kids.

- I'm not.
- That's it.

My offer is
officially rescinded.

- What? No, terry.
Don't rescind it.

- Really?

You know what, from now
on, we keep our relationship

Strictly professional,
you heartless prick.

- Wait, terry. No, don't be mad.

Te... no, terry.

Please come back.
Let's talk about it.

I really want to talk about it.

[rock music]

- He didn't just
rescind the offer.

He rescinded our friendship.

- I know. I even saw
him throw this out.

- His bfff mug.

I gave him this.

It's his second favorite mug.

How am I supposed to make amends

With my face looking like this?

- Tell him the truth.

- To the tune of $5,000?

No, thank you.

This calls for extreme measures.

Defib time.

- Oh, my god.

Uncle eddie, no, no, no, no, no.

[aed whines] wait,
are you kidding?

- Electricity reverses
muscular paralysis.

I need you to zap
the sh*t out of my face.

- I don't think this
is a good idea.

- I put it on the
lowest setting.

It's gonna be fine.

One time I even used these

To wake up your father.

There wasn't any
lasting damage, so...

- But there was
temporary damage?

- You never wondered
why there's a gap

Between you and your sisters?

- You put it on his nuts?
- Yeah, it was hysterical.

We were laughing
for days. Let's do this.

- All right. f*ck it.

♪ ♪

- Make it count.
[aed whines, sizzles]

- Ah!
- [groans]

- Oh. [chuckles]

Okay. That's an improvement-ish.

- And that you would
even consider me

To be the guardian
of your children

Is an honor.

One I will never take lightly.

- Well, you already did.
Then you laughed at me.

- I never laughed.
- First you had your smug face.

Then you looked
like you didn't care.

- And do I still look like that?

- You look like
you're having a stroke.

- That's because my veins

Are clotted with sadness.

- What are you
doing with your face?

- Nothing.

♪ ♪

[face crackles]

- It's hard.
- No, it's not.

- And your forehead's leaking.
- It is?

- [gasps] you got the botox.
- No, I didn't.

- Your face is pumped

So full of filler
you can't emote.

- Fine. I admit it.

I did do the botox.

And that's why you can't tell
how much this means to me.

- Well, I'm happy you
didn't dismiss me earlier.

But I'm sad you felt the
need to inject your face

And look younger.

But then again, I'm happy
that you owe me 5,000 bucks.

[laughs] yes!

- That part makes me pretty sad.

But I am genuinely touched

That you've made me the
guardian of your children.

- [chuckles] well, hold on.

I don't know if I
can trust my kid

To someone who pumped their face

Full of chemicals for vanity.

- Well, terry, I think
the old age thing

Affected me the same
way it affected you.

- Hmm.
- I'm sorry.

- What, are we hugging?
- Yeah.

- Okay. [grunts]

[sighs] all right.

Okay. [chuckles]

- [sighs] - ow, my
shoulder. [groans]

Too hard.

- You know, I would probably cry

If my tear ducts
weren't paralyzed

With frog poison.
[knock at door]

- The photographer's here.

- Oh, and I haven't
even put my face on.

- And I better take my face off.

- Yeah. Okay.

$5,000.

[chuckles]

That's a lot of gear, huh?

- What's the deal
with those sunglasses?

Are they blue-blockers?

- He looks like german bono.

Oh, granny, need some help?

- No, I got it.
- Probie, help him out.

- No, no, I'm good.

- Let me just -
no, don't touch...

Leave it alone. Hey! Argh.

- Oh, well, well, well.

Granny, what's with
the lighting equipment?

- Okay, fine.

White photographers
from the department

Don't know how to light
black people properly.

So this year I'm gonna
make myself look good.

- You said the
picture didn't matter.

- It doesn't.

But black lighting does.

♪ ♪

- Oh, honey, new hairdo
for the picture, huh?

Looks great.

[whispering] always
tell them they look great.

- Well, I tried to use
that foreign blow-dryer

Mom got me, and it
just kept zapping me.

- You look like
simba. I love it.

- [growls]

I just wanted to look good.

- Aw, poor baby.

Just so you know,
for these pictures,

We wear our hats.

- What?
- We do?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- I spent $50 on
this hair, chief.

♪ ♪

- Hey-o.
- Hey, guys.

- Where'd you get the makeup?

- Okay, my friend billie
jean is a makeup artist.

She did a little...
- I thought she was your lover.

- Uh, no, mickleberry.

Billie jean is not my lover.

She's just a girl

Who happens to
be a makeup artist.

- What kind exactly?

- I don't know. I
think, like, lots of kind...

Like, professional kinds.

I think she works at
a funeral parlor too.

- Ah, that explains it.

- You know, just
because it's a death photo

Doesn't mean you
have to look dead.

- Well, I'm glad no one cares
how they look for their photo.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Make love to the camera.

[camera shutter snapping]

- There's my girl.

Here you go.

- "they use swine language"?

I don't get it.

- Okay, that should
be a good one.

- You know what?
I like this one.

Thanks.

Please press the
lighting board cue

Before you take
the picture, all right?

- Yeah.

- [groans]

- Aw, dad.

- Looks sexy, chiefy.

♪ ♪

- Hey, eddie,
mark your calendar.

Two tickets, mariners-yankees,
behind home plate

For me and my little buddy.

- Aw.

Oh, me and you, skipper?

- Well, you know,
I had 5k to burn,

So I figured what the heck?
- Yeah, you're welcome.

- Hey-o. Hey, pictures came in.

- Hey, all right.
- Oh, cool.

- Crystal. Mcconky.

Penisi. Mcconky.

Look at that, in order.
- All right, death photo day.

- This was the best choice?
- Looks good.

- I really can't die
until I take another one.

- At least I'm not
too dark. [chuckling]

- That's kind of cool.

I look a little bit
sleepy or something.

- [chuckles] - you
look like a dead mime.

- Oh, "what language
do pigs speak?"

"swine language." [laughs]

- [laughs] I remember
sucking that stick.

- Was it strawberry?
[chuckles] of course it was.

'cause they're
always the funniest.

- Hey, at least I look young.

I'm definitely
getting botox again.

- Let's see yours.
- Hey, hey, let's see it.

- No.
- Da-da-da-da.

- I just had a bad hair day.

- [laughs]
- whoa.

[all chuckle]

- Is that hair attached
to your hat or something?

- Oh.

- This is actually
the best photo

I've ever taken, look at that.

Eh? - Yeah, chiefy, noyce.

- Aw, dad, you look so handsome.

Look at that. [sighs]

Who's hugh janus?

Hugh janus.

Hugh janus? Hugh jan...

Hugh janus.
- Hugh janus?

- Huge anus? Who did that?

- What, are we hugging?
- Yeah.

- [grunts]

[sighs] all right.

[groaning] oh, my shoulder.

Oh, god.

- It was me.

[laughter]

- Eddie!

- He really got you.