01x02 - The Flute Show

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

- Hot cocoa--

It's warm, sweet,
and feels good in your tummy.

But what doesn't feel good
in your tummy?

A sharpened moose femur

Wielded by a crazed
ritualistic k*ller.

This is the fifth animal-bone
m*rder here in grimsburg,

The work of an unknown
serial k*ller

Who the media are calling

The boner.

[dramatic sting]

With kgrm
homicides-on-the-ones,

I'm harmony flute.

- And I'm her ex-husband,
marvin flute,

Grimsburg's greatest
detective who's back

From a much-needed
nervous breakdown

To make this town safer
and handsomer.

- Flute,
I was just signing off.

- And I'll get my hands
on this boner,

No matter how hard it gets.

Over to you, hank.

- Oh, you always do this.

It's always the flute show.

I'm the one who gets
to throw the anchor.

And who is hank?
We don't even have a hank.

- Well, you should
look into getting one.

Hank is a strong anchor name.

Ends with a k,
like the word fork,

The most masculine utensil
of all.

And pork,
the most masculine meat.

And of course, sink, the most
masculine place to urinate.

- How about suck?
As in you.

- Now you get it.

- Oh, you know
who'd love this game?

- We don't have a hank!
- Hank.

Heh.

Back to you, hank.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

"the flute show."
please.

It's not all about me, right?

- Well--
- exactly.

Thank you.
[clattering in distance]

Wait, you hear that?

[grunts]
freeze, put--

My hands up?

- Cut!

Ok, take five, everyone.

Well, well,
detective flute himself.

I'm a big fan of your work.

- Likewise--meaning,
I'm a big fan of my work,

'cause I don't know
who the hell you are.

- Bertram figg.
I'm making a limited series

Based on the boner case,

And you're the main character.

- I'd watch the hell out of
that, even if it's on pluto.

Oh, god, it's not on pluto,
is it?

Wait, that guy's
supposed to be me?

- You're right.
Wardrobe, makeup, hair!

We've gotta make our flute much
fatter and dumpier, please.

Getting closer.
- [grumbles]

All: Fathers!

All: Sons!

All: Fathers!
- [sighs]

- I wish my dad had time
to play with me.

- Don't worry, stanners.

That's what imaginary
bad influences are for.

What do you say we go loosen
some bolts on the monkey bars?

Maybe we could do
a little fecal graffiti.

It's a beautiful day
in the park.

We can do it all.

All: [laughing]
son.

All: [laughing]
dad.

- You just sold the ip freely
to this guy

Without consulting me
on casting?

Did they even go
out to miles teller?

He is the mustache guy
right now.

- Sorry, flute,
chief needs the money

For her latest
conspiracy theory.

- Yeah, I've got my eye
on this t*nk.

Oh, try to vaccinate me
in this bad boy.

- But I haven't
solved the case yet.

- You better, or that's
what the world will see.

It's true crime, and I take
the "true" part seriously.

That's my rule.

That and never ask a grip
where he was on January 6.

- This is so cool.

So who's playing me
in the series?

I get idris elba a lot.
[chuckles]

- I didn't feel you were
a vital part of the narrative,

So in the show,
flute works alone.

- But you just said
you want it to be true.

- Ah-buh-buh-buh,
just true enough,

Which is why I
made your character

Into a refurbished fitbit
that flute never wanted

And hates.

- You're the madness consultant
on this sh**t, right?

- Well, I wasn't
supposed to be,

But the psychiatrist they hired
had to drop out

Because he was mysteriously
poisoned.

Such a pity.

- Uh-huh, cool.

So I was thinking
of this outfit for the k*ller.

- Oh, god, no.

He's a pathological,
clinically disturbed maniac

With a penchant for
skeleto-zoological homicide,

Not a dork.

Mmm, this looks
benignly ethnic.

- It's a taquito.

- Arleen, I have
always believed cruelty

Was humanity's greatest gift
to itself,

But now I know
that it is

Taquitos!

[gentle flute music]

♪

- Ah! Home invasion!

- It's ok, flute, he's
the actor from the tv show.

- Kip deegan, pleasure.

- Displeasure.
Why are you in my house?

- My house.
- Her house.

- It doesn't matter
whose house it is.

- I just thought
I'd observe you

In your everyday life.

See, I'm trained in the
jeremy strong school of acting,

Where you immerse yourself
in the role

In a way
that's incredibly irritating

To everyone around you.

- "flute's ex-wife"?

That's my character's name?

- Yeah, they should change it
to hank.

- Being your ex-wife is not
even in the top three

Most interesting things
about me.

One, I was raised by bears.

Two, I'm great at parkour--

Probably because
of all the climbing I did

While I was
being raised by bears.

And six, I'm not
great at numbers

Because I was homeschooled
by a bunch of bears.

Ugh, I have to go to work.

[growling, panting]

[phone chimes]

- Damn it,
they found another body.

Boner alert.
- Boner alert.

- No, do less.

Throw the boner away.

- Bonah aluht.
Booner aloyt.

- No, still too much.
- Baner alart.

- Is that southern?
I speak in...

- Boner alert.
- Midland american english.

Eh, forget it.

[in english accent]
just try to stay out of me way.

[groans]
now you're in my head.

- Hey, hey, hey,
you're sounding great, man.

Uh, you may wanna explore
the space a little more.

- Thanks, jeremy.
- Please, call me table.

[brakes screech]

- I wiped down those shelves
for you, bertram.

- Thanks, harv, much better.

I was seeing a lot
of fingerprints.

- Wait, he wiped the prints?

I need those to be the hero.

Fingerprints are
the faces of the fingers.

And nails are like the skulls.

I think this knuckle
is the butt.

And this one--wait,
why are there three bodies?

- Oh, they hired me
as the corpse wrangler,

So I'm just showing
them some options.

- I scanned
and cross-referenced

The m*rder w*apon, flute.

- He's not flute.
I'm flute.

- Wow, it's like
I'm looking in a mirror.

But you're in front of it,
and I'm off to the side

Going, "wow."

Anyway, it's a rabbit bone.

- Huh, a rabbit bone.

[echoing]
a rabbit bone.

A rabbit bone.
A rabbit bone.

[crunch]

Missing a bone, doc?

- Nah, I don't
know what you're--

- Now you are.
- [laughs]

That's all, fol--
[gurgling]

- Whoa, back when
I was watching cartoons,

v*olence never
had consequences.

Not a match.

Hmm, how about you,
silly rabbit?

You up to some trix?

- [yelps]

- Are you a cereal
serial k*ller?

- I only steal cereal, I swear!

I can't catch a body,
I have priors!

Ah, ah!
[screams]

- Nope, that's what you get
for changing the flavor.

You taste like paint now.

Aha, latin trap
and reggaeton star bad bunny.

- Hey, sorry,
you're not on the list.

- Seriously?
I'm marvin flute.

Uh, maybe I put it
under one of my aliases.

Marvin flame?

Fluteus maximus?

Mark milkshack, sour shoes,

Former surgeon general
c. Everett koop.

Maybe martin flute?
People always mess that up.

They even misspelled it
on my birth certificate.

Wait, is that my name?

- It's ok, flute,
I talked to bad bunny.

He says you should check
that taxidermy shop downtown.

- Great idea,
and we're in my crime mind,

So it was my great idea.

Ha!

- I'll meet you there, flute.

I need to stop here
and cool myself down for a bit.

- Yep, just one of many
very visual things I can do.

- Whoa, amazing.

- Yeah, I guess to viewers
it probably would be.

- No--what?

Shut up.
I'm talking about him!

He's got it.
Who is he?

- [sighs]
that's lieutenant kang.

- Kang, kang.

That's the sound
of a star bell ringing.

- I got a bell
I wish he'd ring.

Ding ding.

- You, I'm writing you into
the show, playing yourself.

- Ok.

- I'll start making
the changes immediately.

Do you have a pen?

[arm whirring]

- No, I do not.

[clicks pen]

[slurps]
- [grumbles]

- Come on, stanny, walk it off.

It was just a little
parental abandonment.

- Yeah, I'm not
really in the mood.

Oh, hey, hey, dad.

Oh, sorry,
I thought you were my dad.

- You're flute's son.

I'm playing your dad
in the show.

Can I ask what
your relationship is like?

I need to become him.

- Oh, well, we hang
out all the time.

- What?
Oh, my god, stanjamin!

You are so bad!

- I guess if you really wanna
know what it's like,

Maybe you and I could
play catch sometime?

- Yes!
Let's go play catch right now.

- Really? I mean, sure,
if it helps you.

- Nice, no one has ever
been disappointed

By making an actor
their role model.

- Arleen, I happened to notice
this is the last taquito.

So--

- You ate the whole tray?

[dramatic music]

- Relinquish the taquito!
- No, you've had enough.

- The salivation has begun.

- You lost
your taquito privileges.

- That is my crunchy num-num!
- You're cut off!

No more!

- You have won this round,
arleen.

But there shall be
subsequent rounds.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

- Good evening.

How can I help you?

- Hi, I recently married
into a community

Where the elders
throw bones in order

To consult their ancestors.

You know,
to predict the future,

For crops, where to go for
brunch where the wait time

Isn't longer than
the eat time--you get it.

Anyway, I'm looking
to buy a rabbit bone.

You probably don't
hear that a lot, huh?

Unless you've
heard it recently.

And if I could just get
the name of the person

You heard it from recently?

- Someone who'd
buy a rabbit bone?

Let me think.

Ah!

[thrilling music]

♪ ♪

- Ugh, skunk!
Two ks!

So masculine!

Move!
I need to--

Damn it.
You made me lose my boner.

All right, bertram,
your limited streaming series

Is seriously streaming
over the limit of my patience.

I almost had him.

- Sorry, but I told
them to block you.

I had to, you're just too
good and handsome at this.

- I'm getting
less angry at you, go on.

- You're going too fast for my
eight heavily padded episodes.

I still need the audience
to fall in love

With your character,
and to do that,

They have to see someone
fall in love with you.

I was thinking harmony.

- Ugh, doesn't she have a kid?

- People love
a second chance romance.

Look at bennifer.

- What would harmony and I's
couple name even be?

Marvin flute?

That actually
sounds pretty good.

But it'll never work.
She's too mad at me.

- Well, maybe I could help
smooth things over.

We could give you two
a night out on the town

With a little movie magic.

- Deal.

But once I get the girl,
I'm not gonna stop

Until people call me

The boner k*ller.

- And then nine months later,
they have a new baby.

- Wow, honestly,
I thought the nipples

Would play a much bigger role.

- So again, you and your dad

Really do all of this
every Sunday?

- Yep, then we get ice cream,
and we hug,

And he teaches me to shave.

I guess it's just our thing.

- [crying]
you never take me for ice cream

And hugs and teach me to shave!

- Well, you can find
somewhere else to live,

You spoiled son of a bitch!

- Again, this isn't a date.

I only came
because you got us

Into the hottest urban climbing
nightspot in grimsburg, ah!

- I just wanted you
to see that it's not always

The flute show.

Marvin flute and guest
of marvin flute.

- Your table is right that way.

- Uh. Whoa!

I probably should be
drinking less anyway!

- Amateur.

[growls]

[panting]

- Right behind you,
just like when we made stan.

Uh, let's see, just gotta--

Uh, no, nope.
Ah, ooh, ah, ow, uh, no.

- We set up a wire rig
to help you up there.

It's the same tech
they used to make nsync

Look like they could dance.

- So there were
strings attached.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[laughs]

Oh, it's--

Ohh, oh!

[grunts]

- You made it up.

I'm impressed.

- I've been working on my core.

[tray clanging]

[knocks softly]

- Can I ask you something, sir?

- Bertram said you have "it."

What is it?

- [sighs]

Hollywood is built
on artifice, summers.

It's all capped teeth,
surgically enhanced bodies,

And smooth cgi perfection.

But every once in a while,

Someone comes along who cuts
through the illusion

For one damn second,
a refreshing breeze of honesty

In a stinking town
of deception.

That is "it."

Or maybe they just
needed an asian guy.

- Ok, thanks.

- Is he here?
- Does he smell good?

- Can he sign my puffer jacket?

[all screaming]

- Oh, my god!

- [groans]

- Oh hey, kip,
I guess these are

The new script pages for the
scene with flute and his son.

It's kind of a lot,
but I could run lines with you.

- Uh, fine.
Let's give it a sh*t.

Hey, stan,
the m*rder*r has struck again.

But whatever happens,
I want you to know

That I'm proud
to have you as my son.

- I know that, dad.

[gulps]
everyone does.

- And also I don't think
your cape is weird.

It's a part of you,
just like you're a part of me.

And while I know
I don't say it enough,

I'm always thinking it.

I love you, stan.

How was that?
- Good.

But we should run it
a couple more times.

- Kip, we need you on set.

- So can we hang out
again later?

- Sorry, but it's
show business,

Not show affection
to some weird kid.

- Ouch, can't argue
with his performance, though.

The way he took a whiz
all over your heart,

I mean, he's got
your dad down cold.

[acoustic guitar music]

- And I gotta admit,
that was really fun.

- Wait, are those salmon
in the fountain?

How did those get there?
- Oh, do you mind?

- Please.

- [growling]

- There she is.

- [munching]

Still got it.
- Yeah.

I wanted you to have a night
that's all about you.

I'm not calling the sh*ts.

Cue wind.

- Ooh.
- Oh, are you cold?

Here, take my coat.

Cue the sweet older couple

Who could be her and me
in the future,

If only we could get past
the past.

- Oh, how cute.

You know,
they almost look like--

Oh, never mind, it's silly.

[music stops]

- Ok, we're on the doorstep.
Cue the jumbo.

- Why is there
a jumbotron in the park?

- So weird.

Kiss cam? What perverts.

But I guess we don't wanna
get a ticket.

- Wait, did you
set all of this up?

- Well, I can't
take all the credit.

Bertram and his team
were troopers,

Executing my vision
on very short notice.

- Oh! It wasn't about me.

It was about you getting me.

Yeah, the hero gets the girl.

- I'm more of an anti-hero,
like aunt may.

- I'm done being part
of the flute show.

- Harmony, no,
it's not the flute show.

[upbeat pop music playing]

k*ll the back together cam.

Read the room.
- Don't worry, I got a plan.

- No, being your muse
no longer amuses me.

Ooh, that's pretty good.
You can use that.

But that's it.
I'm done with your show.

And if you don't like it,
you can kiss

These silicone butt pads
I no longer need.

[dramatic music]

- Time to get the boner
under my belt.

My god, it's the actor
who looks nothing like me.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[groans]

Fade to black
'cause hollywood.

Where am I?

Who's that coming toward me?

Oh, right, the k*ller.

Well, I suppose
it's been a good life.

I wish I'd danced more.

You idiot, you're supposed
to cut me, not the rope.

So tie me back up--
- no, look,

I may have m*rder*d
a bunch of people,

But I wasn't the one
who trapped you.

And I didn't m*rder

That good-looking
british actor either.

It was that director.

- Bertram? Ridiculous.

- Let me just ask, does this
sound like real bone to you?

[dull clacking]

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- Epoxy resin, like the kind
used by hollywood...

- Hollywood prop--
- prop makers, I said it first.

Bertram got worried
I'd catch you too soon,

So he sidelined you
and started to carry out

The killings himself.

That can't be union.
- Exactly.

So we need
to get out of here fast.

Now, I have a plan.

- No,
here's how it's gonna go:

You bang on the door,
and say you need a doctor.

You popped one of your balls.

It sounds big,
but it happens a lot.

You sit down wrong,

You catch an edge
on a bar stool,

You're bent over
trying to cuff a perp

And you accidentally,
I don't know,

Back into a doorknob.

Anyway, I will be standing
behind the door

With two totally working,
perfectly intact testicles

Ready to heroically--

- Ok, then,
I guess we're just doing

Whatever flute wants.

- Hmm, maybe
harmony was right about me

Always having to make it
about me.

Whoa, I just said
"about me" twice

In that sentence about me.

Wow, a third one,
but that's like

When you eat oreos
and no one is looking.

It doesn't count, right?

Let's try it your way.

You were saying something
about blah, blah, blah?

[church organ playing]

♪ ♪

- Uh, just making sure
you have enough.

- Yes, these will
suffice for now.

And I'm so happy to hear your
mother's doing all right.

That gas leak in her condo
must have been quite alarming.

I certainly hope
it doesn't happen again.

Fingers crossed.

♪ ♪

- Kip deegan was many things--
an actor,

A pretend detective,
a friend.

I'll never forget
the times we shared.

- Who the hell is this?
I'm his wife.

And they said
I wasn't allowed to speak.

- As you can see,
kip didn't just play my father,

He was a father figure to me.

He brought me into his life,
paid attention to me,

Made me feel special,
and then disappeared.

But maybe that's what all
dads do, at least to me.

[all gasping]

- And I've got some blocking
for you, mr. Director.

Hands up.

- Kip's alive!

- No, this guy's
way more out of shape.

[laughter]

- All right, all right,
I'll put my hand up

With a g*n in it!

- [gasps]
- yes, I k*lled him.

But I meant to k*ll you.

It would have given me
the shocking twist

That my series needed
to get serious buzz,

Maybe a "vulture" article.

But this--
this is gonna be better.

We'll get your death
in an even more dramatic way,

An armed standoff.

[crowd murmuring]

- Ok, so, on the show,
there'll be a funeral

For the actor from the show?

- I mean, yeah, it's gonna
be layered, sort of like--

I mean, not "inception."

Did you see "inception"?

A lot of people didn't get it.
I got it, personally.

Hey, no more questions!

Time to go ahead
with my sh*t list.

And you are at the top.

- Damn it, this wasn't
how I saw this going.

But luckily, I'm not
the only one with a plan.

- [roars]

[machine humming]

- Not bad for a fitbit, huh?

- You saved us.
[sighs]

- [groans]

- I guess you were right,
it's not the flute show.

- Oh, good to hear
you finally say it.

- Yeah, it's more like
the flute and friends show.

I'm still the main draw,
but you guys help some too.

I mean, if this maniac
was able to put aside

His homicidal tendencies
for the sake of teamwork--

- [screams]
- ahh!

- Oh, boy, never mind.

This boner won't quit.

[light music]

- I heard your speech
in the coffin.

- Oh, you did?

- Seems like that kip guy
was kind of a jerk.

- Yeah, and he didn't even
look or sound like you.

- Thank you.
That's what I've been saying.

Oh, boy, someone just earned
himself some ice cream.

- Really?

He was a pretty bad actor too.

- I mean, terrible.

Just an all-around
piece of crap.

- That's my dead husband
you're talking about.

- Well, I hope his performance
was better in bed.

Up top.

[both laugh]

Narrator: This summer...

[siren wailing]
- please, I'm a minister.

- Then you better
start praying.

- Power grid disabled.

- This city's out of control.

Someone's got to do
something about it.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Only one man
can stop the madness.

♪ ♪

[tires screeching]

- That flight's been canceled.

- [squealing]

- He's got it.

- Bento.
[all cheering]