02x05 - Claire

[bunniefuu]

[SNORING]

[CLATTERING]

- [CLICKING]
- John. John.

[GROANING]

John, there's something outside
the house. Do you hear that?

Mm, that's probably just a raccoon.

Or Gerald.

Gerald?! That's the
scariest thing I can imagine!

Okay. Well, we can't just
lay here and wait to die.

[TAP]

You gonna go?

[JOHN MUMBLING]

You going or you want me
to go? Whichever you want.

[SOFT SNORING]

[SNORING]

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Gerald?

- [THUD]
- Ow! God!

sh*t! Sorry! It was just a tiny rock.

Matt?!

I was tryin' to throw it
at the window to wake ya up.

What the f*ck are you
doing here? Are you on coke?

- No. Do you have any?
- No!

sh*t. Okay, doesn't matter.

Listen, I really need to talk to you.

Oh, God. Ugh, I already told you, okay?

I'm sorry. I-I know I'm a special gal,

and you have a great
place in your heart for me,

but I... you gotta move on, man.

Ew. No. I just...

I really need to talk to you, Beth.

I really need to talk to you right now.

Can we just go sit somewhere, please?

Oh, my God, you scared
the sh*t outta me.

- Fine. Go inside.
- [HORN HONKING]

Oh, yeah. Can you be a
doll and-and pay my cab?

He's got twins in
college, so tip, like, 30%.

It's a nice place.

It's a nice, uh, little place.

That's a cool James Baldwin painting.

You read much of his stuff?

- Matt! What?
- [SIGHS] Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm a little
nervous, alright? I got...

[SIGHS]

Do you remember Melanie, my ex?

- No.
- I told you about her!

She's the one with the Crank
Yankers tattoo on her ankle.

- Sounds cool.
- Okay, so,

Melanie, my ex, dumps me for this guy

named Jason, who worked at this, like,

total douche resort
in meatpacking, okay?

It was, uh... Oh, God, what
was the name of the club?

Oh, my God. Who cares?

- Get to your point.
- Oh, no, it's really gonna bug me.

It's, like, called Impasse or Undertaker

or somethin' like that.
I don't know. Um...

Anyway, so, Melanie
gets knocked up, like,

five minutes after they start dating.
Okay? And she decides to keep it.

And so, she and this
dude, who worked at...

Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue!

- Oh, my God.
- They moved to Florida,

and I never hear from her ever again,

like, ever, until yesterday.

And it turns out...

- Underpass.
- What?

- That's the name of the club! Underpass!
- Oh, my God!

- It was k*lling me.
- Just shut up.

- Underpass.
- Just... It's 3:00 in the morning.

Terrible music, worse drinks.
He was a shitty bartender.

- Matt...
- Anyway,

they're goin' through a divorce, right?

And it's startin' to
turn a little nasty now.

He demands a paternity test

for his 16-year-old daughter.

Turns out, it's not his.

Guess whose it is?

No way. No way.

I'm pretty sure, okay? Melanie says

she's, like, been lyin' the whole time.

She told me, like, she knew,

but she just didn't say anything

'cause she wanted to be with
him, not me. I don't know.

So, you're really not here
to try and get me back?

Ew! No. I find you kinda revolting now.

Okay, revolting? I'm not a 10.

You're the only person
I can talk to about this!

So, Melanie's saying, like, her kid,

or-or our kid... I-I don't even
know what the f*ck to call her.

She wants to meet me.

Oh, my God.

You're someone's dad.

If my mom was alive,

she would die right now.

What does Meri think about all this?

Do you think I could
talk to Meri about this?

No. No, no, no. Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Y-You,
you, you got this. Hey!

Seriously, it's gonna
be alright. This is good.

- Yeah?
- It's a good thing!

Like, do you have a picture?

Does she look like you?

'Cause she... I mean, really,
who knows at this point?

- She might not even look like you.
- Here.

That is your daughter!

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God, it
looks like you in a wig!

Oh, my God. This is
just like you in a wig.

This looks like a joke!

She's pretty though, somehow.

Sorry. Um, what's her name?

[INHALES]

Claire.

Claire.

LEONARD: Alright,
I don't know if I get the

tuna melt or the turkey, uh.

I'll just get the tu-turkey
m... the tuna melt.

Turkey's not too dry, is it?

- WAITRESS: No.
- Alright. You sure about that?

- WAITRESS: Positive.
- Alright. What's your name?

- Katie.
- Katie, the beautiful lady.

Alright, I'll have the, uh,

turkey club and an iced tea,

but hold the ice.

- No ice?
- No ice.

'Cause I only have "ice" for you. Huh?

Mm-hm. Enjoy.

Alright, I will.

- [FINGERS TAPPING]
- Dad?

[DINER CHATTER]

- Ew.
- "Ew" what?

You're way too old for her.

- No, I'm not.
- New rule,

you can't flirt with anyone under 25.

Well, how am I supposed to know her age?

How can ya tell anymore?
Alright, fine. I won't.

I swear. I promise.

[SIGHS]

- Ow! Don't be so... Ow, ow!
- Oh, my God.

- Ow, ow, ow!
- Of course, you do this.

- Katie, I need some ice!
- Dad.

- She's breakin' my finger!
- Stop.

Stop. It's, like... Oh, my gosh.

AUTOMATED VOICE: When you
have finished recording,

you may hang up or press
one for more options.

- [BEEPS]
- Hey, Annie.

Um, I-I-I've been trying
to catch you. I've...

been wanting to fill you in on John, um,

and Matt. Oh, my God.

Uh, yeah. But, uh,

I'm in this little girl's room today.

Uh, I'm organizing it. I'm
not just, like, hanging out

- in a little girl's room.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

[REWIND [ECHO MOUNTAIN
SESSIONS] BY SYLVAN ESSO PLAYING]

♪ Watch them, take it on back ♪

♪ Take it on back, do the rewind, yeah ♪

♪ Moving so fast, backward att*ck ♪

♪ Do it again, light up the room ♪

♪ Watch them, take it on back ♪

♪ Take it on back, do the rewind, yeah ♪

♪ Moving so fast, backward att*ck ♪

♪ Do it again, light up the room ♪

CESAR: Hey, John.

Hey, Cesar.

We all gonna go to
Larsen's in a few. You down?

[CHEWING] Maybe some other time.

I'm really enjoying
being on my own right now.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

I just learned about
myself, and [SMACKS]

just wanna respect my
needs and what I want.

Cool. Right.

I feel really good about that.

I'm gonna take off.

Cool. Thanks.

- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.

Have fun. [CHOMPS]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS] Well, well, well!

Look who came crawling back.

I'm not really back, Clark.

I have a job I actually
love now. No offense.

It's okay. My soul left long ago.

- I've been quiet quitting for months.
- What does that mean?

I blend in with the background
and don't talk to anyone. Watch.

[OFFICE CHATTER]

Hi, Clark.

[PHONE RINGING]

Great.

You don't deserve love.

- BETH: What?
- Nothing!

Wow. Really like what
you've done with the place.

It's pretty great, right?

- Yeah.
- You like that?

What the f*ck is that?

I'm thinkin' about exchangin'
it. I-I saw this samurai...

Cool. So, what are you
gonna say to Claire?

- Oh, okay. So, I wrote some things down.
- Mm-hm.

Because, uh, I thought

maybe I would say somethin'
wrong and screw it up.

- Let's hear it.
- So...

- You wanna hear it?
- Yeah.

I thought may... Oh,
sh*t. Don't say anything.

[OFFICE CHATTER]

Oh, my God, hi, Beth!

- Hi.
- Oh, my God! So nice to see you.

Matt didn't say anything
about you coming by.

Yeah, I, uh, I was in the neighborhood.

Yeah. No, this is cool.

This is like when you
graduate from college,

and then you come back, and,

you know, everybody's
younger than you and...

It's cool, though. It's not pathetic.

Hey, Meri, can you just,
like, give us a minute?

Like, one minute?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Absolutely. Yeah. I'll just see you

at home, sweetie, where we live.

- Yeah, probably.
- Together. Happily. Engaged!

- Great. Yeah.
- Right? Okay.

- She's fun.
- MATT: Alright, here we go.

I'm nervous. [CLEARS THROAT]

"Claire."

[FISH t*nk BUBBLING]

- That's a whole card?
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

"First of all,

- you're beautiful... "
- No.

- What?
- She doesn't know you yet.

You're just, like, some old guy.
You can't comment on her looks.

- sh*t.
- Gimme that card.

I don't trust you not to say
it. Yeah. This is not good.

- This is... You're not saying it.
- sh*t.

"Ever since your mom told
me that I had a daughter,

I haven't been able to stop thinking

about all of the time I missed with you.

I just wanna be clear
that I had no idea,

and that I never would've abandoned you.

If anything, I would've protected you,

like Liam Neeson in the
first two Taken films.

Or The Grey.

- Or Schindler's List."
- I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

- Was it too many Liam Neesons?
- Yeah.

And it's comin' in a little intense.

[SIGHS] She's gonna know I'm a mess.

She's gonna be crazy about you.

I've done nothing with my life.
I've got nothing to show her.

What do you mean? You work
at this cool wine place!

You're a cool guy. You're
handsome. You live in New York City.

I mean, she's gonna
think you're a rockstar.

I am handsome.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Oh, sh*t. Cole needs me. I have to go.

I need you. I-I really
need you here, Beth. Okay?

I can't, I can't bullshit my way
through this like I normally do.

Okay, well, I can't bullshit
my way through my job.

- I like my job...
- Trash?

- No.
- Your trash?

- No, we're okay. I don't...
- [THUD]

MERI: We all see you, Clark!

COLE: Makes me squirt. Does not squirt.

Does not squirt. Does not squirt.

Makes me squirt. This,
I'm gonna keep for myself.

- Squirt?
- Yep. Marie Kondo has "sparks joy."

I have "makes me squirt."

Better lives through less clutter.

And apparently, it's "bring
your crackhead to work" day.

Don't worry, I'm here to
work. I can totally multitask.

[PUTS DOWN BAG]

The key for you is gonna be to listen

- and be present.
- Alright.

Okay? No, like, working the room.

I've been sellin' myself my whole life.

You're tellin' me not to do that?

Exactly.

Forget the whole idea of you.

Any instincts you have, ignore.

- What are you gonna wear?
- Huh?

Well, I only ask because
y-you look like someone

who might try to sell her a Joker NFT.

f*ck yeah. NFTs.

[STEAL AWAY BY ROBBIE DUPREE PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right. Oh, my gosh.

Alright, wish me luck at my dad's.

- FRIEND: Good luck.
- LEONARD: Hey, Beth.

- BETH: See you, guys.
- FRIEND: See ya later.

Everything's fine

Hey, volleyballers.

- Everything's fine.
- Dad, what's wrong?

- Good to see you.
- Is everything okay?

I got a problem. I got a situation.

- I got a sit... I need you to help.
- What do you mean?

- Just come in here.
- You're freaking me out!

Listen, I had a young,
a young lady come over.

We were havin' a nice
time. We were havin' fun.

And then, boom, she dropped to
the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Her eyes rolled up in
the back of her head.

- Wait, what?!
- I don't know, I don't know what the f*ck is goin' on.

- Wait. Oh, my G... Is she dead?!
- I need your help. She's fine.

- Is she okay?
- I don't know.

- I called 911.
- What the f... What?

Just shh. It's okay.

- Wait. How, how old was she?
- It's okay.

- Who cares?
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

Who care... How old?
How old was she, Dad?

She's mid to late, early


- It's a lonely world.
- Six... Okay.

- Okay?
- Alright.

- You know, and...
- Oh, my...

She looked like a young
Estelle Getty when she...

- Alright, alright. Let's just go, psycho.
- This piece of sh*t elevator.

g*dd*mn this thing sucks.

- And we're up. And we're walking.
- BETH: Alright. Alright, we're up.

- LEONARD: We're walking and we're moving.
- BETH: Okay. Okay, you got her?

- LEONARD: The elevator's here.
- BETH: Okay.

Yeah, we thought it would just
be better to call, ya know?

'Cause she was feeling
dizzy. So, we just kinda...

And you're his daughter?

Yeah. Um, uh, I was
with him the whole time.

Yeah. She's my grandma on my mom's side.

Her mom's side. And we-we-we
appreciate your service

a-and we wish we could come with,
but, uh, she's got a practice.

- See, she's got a recital with the f...
- Oh.

- Was it the f... It's the recorder.
- Yeah.

- Thank you, gentlemen. We really do.
- Yeah, I do.

- I have a con... I have a recital.
- Come on.

- Thank you so much. I'm sorry.
- Jesus! Seriously?

- These things happen. I'm sorry.
- Do they?

- I guess so. I-I-I need a drink.
- Oh, my gosh.

[ARCADE SOUNDS, CHATTER]

- Should we do a sh*t?
- No, we're not doing a sh*t.

Come on, just, like, a quick pickleback.

We're not doing a pickleback, okay?
You're about to meet your daughter.

Look, this is gonna be great.

Anything important, I'll put
up here on the board, alright?

I'm gonna hide and write
things for you to say.

But ignore me. She
shouldn't know I'm here.

Just write clearly, alright?

You have, like, a serial k*ller kinda

- script.
- No, I don't. I have good handwriting.

You probably won't even need me.

- Alright.
- Yeah.

- Should we do a car b*mb? Like, real quick?
- No. Nope. No.

Quick car b*mb?

- Alright.
- Okay.

- Alright. I can do this, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- You got it! Oh, my God, you got this.
- Okay. Alright.

Here they come. How do I look?

- Very boring.
- Not too boring?

Just boring enough. Okay. Good luck.

[CHATTERING]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Hey, Matt. [SIGHS]

- Good to see you.
- Yeah. Been a long time.

This is Claire.

Claire, this is... Matt.

- [SIGHS]
- Hi.

MATT: Hey.

Um.

Um.

I-I just thought we
would, ya know, like...

Okay! Honey, have fun.
I'll text you when I'm out.

- I'm gonna go see The Little Black Mermaid.
- You can just say The Little Mermaid.

Sorry again about [LAUGHS]

ya know... all this.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Um... should, should we...

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- [NERVOUS LAUGH]
- [ELECTRONIC GAME NOISES]

Uh, this place is great, right? It's
like a Chuck E. Cheese for adults.

Yeah. [LAUGHS] We have
them in Florida, too.

Really?

I-I thought this was the only one. Huh.

How was the flight?

Um.

It was... fine. [WEAK LAUGH]

Oh, God! [SOBBING]

- Oh! Oh, my gosh.
- [SOBBING]

- I can't!
- What?!

- [LOUD SOBBING]
- [MOUTHING] Stop crying.

- What is that?
- Stop!

It looks like chickenpox!
[SOBS] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can you move
over? Hi, Claire. I'm Beth,

- a friend of your... Matt's.
- [SOBS] I'm sorry!

I really apologize for this.

He's feeling a little overwhelmed.

- Yeah, I-I can see that.
- BETH: Yeah.

- Uh.
- [SIGHS]

So, you're, um... [SIGHS] God, I,

I can't imagine how confusing
this must all be for you.

- You're, like, 16, right?
- [SOBS]

Yeah. Can you drive yet or...

Um.

I got my license,

but w-we-we only have one car,

and my mom never lets me drive.

Man. [SCOFFS] When I got my license,

my dad started using me
as his personal chauffeur.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You're lucky.

Listen, I just want... [SOBBING]

Okay. Okay. Hey, take your time.

Right? Right, champ? Take
your time. You got this.

He's got this. He's got this.

So, what's school like?

Right? Any,

um, boyfriends? Girlfriends?

No. No, not really. Um, there's,

uh, one guy I've been DMing.

We're in the talking stage,
uh, but nothing serious.

Mm, talking stage. I love that.

I'm married, so I guess
we just ended that phase.

You're funny.

Um, but most of my time
is taken up by basketball.

Fun! My husband's
obsessed with basketball.

I played volleyball when I was your age.

I thought I was really good.

Are you good?

- I start.
- BETH: Wow.

Holy sh*t. That's,
that's f*ckin' awesome.

[SNIFFLES] Um, what position? [SNIFFLES]

Uh, point guard.

Yeah, the team almost
won state last year.

It's a, it's a good squad. Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Uh, my cousin, o-our cousin, Kelly,

she's an assistant head
coach with the Seattle Storm.

Really?

Yeah, yeah. She, uh,
she-she kinda made her way

under Muffet McGraw at Notre Dame.

Our coach just showed us a video
of Notre Dame playing. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. [GIGGLES]

You kn... You know, um, Seattle
will probably play Tampa next season,

so, uh, maybe I could fly down,

and we-we could go,
and-and you can meet her.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. [LAUGHS]

That's sick. [GIGGLES]

- We should order, right?
- BETH: Yeah.

- Let's get some menus, right?
- CLAIRE: Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. [SNIFFLES]
- BETH: Yeah.

- I'm fine.
- [LEONARD LAUGHING]

- [ON TV] That was totally uncalled for.
- [LAUGHING]

- It's a little boring over here, so.
- [TV CHATTER]

He's good. Bye, Mom.

Tell Annie I love her.

Okay, bye.

- [PHONE CLICKING]
- Bethy, I am telling you, Goldie's the best.

[MOUTH FULL] She's the
coolest chick in the world.

Come watch this movie with me.

Oh, yeah, she's great.

- LEONARD: The best.
- BETH: Hey, I'll only watch it

if you don't have any more Golden
Girls passed out around here.

[GIGGLES] You're funny just like her.

- And lovable.
- Thanks.

- And beautiful.
- Aww.

[LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I got a special surprise for you.

You're gonna love this.

Hang on.

[BETH SIGHS]

- Hello?
- [DOOR OPENS]

- DELIVERY PERSON: Hey. Been a while.
- LEONARD: So good to see you!

DELIVERY PERSON: You too.

- Look what I got. Your favorite.
- [BAG CRINKLING]

- Shrimp with lobster sauce.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh! Dad, thank you!

- I got egg rolls.
- Thank you!

I got spareribs.

- I got egg foo young.
- [GASPS]

- I got shrimp fried rice.
- Oh, yeah, baby.

I got everything we love.

- Who's better than us?
- [SOFTLY] Thanks, Dad.

Nobody's better than us.

- Nobody. Now, stuff your face.
- Nobody.

Your Instagram's funny.

You wear a lot of aviators.

BETH: Thank you.

Your Instagram's embarrassing.

Yeah. I'm a wine salesman,

so I have to project a certain image.

- I can help you with that.
- You would?

You will?

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Um, well, but, uh,

this is the, is the
real me, the real... us.

I, I put some, um, pictures together.

Well, I put an album together. Uh.

Just thought maybe you'd
wanna see... Oh, here.

There's Kelly right there,
right about your age.

- And that's me.
- [CLAIRE GIGGLES]

I just, um, I don't know. I
thought, I thought maybe you'd wanna

see your relatives and, um,

[EMOTIONAL] and your grandparents.
[CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS]

[NORMAL] Sorry. Yeah, I just thought

you'd find it interesting. I don't know.

♪

This is so nice.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

I got you something. Kinda similar vibe.

- [GIGGLES]
- [PAPER RUSTLING]

Ta-da.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[CHATTERING]

That's nice.

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

You didn't know.

It's okay. Really. It's fine.

MATT: Ya know, I always
thought I'd excel in Tampa.

[BUZZER]

She just reminded me so much of
my mom. I wasn't ready for that.

It was like seeing a ghost. I lost it.

BETH: Yeah, you did.

Just wait 'til you have a kid
and she reminds you of Jane.

You mean shack up with a
firefighter and forget my birthday?

[LAUGHS]

- [sh**ting BASKETBALLS]
- Sixteen years. I've missed so much.

She's starting guard on varsity.

She's so cool. She's smart, right?

She seemed to think you
were pretty cool, too.

- Stop.
- No, she already loves you.

Could you tell that? She does.

The way she was looking at you?

It's not 'cause you're so special, okay?

It's because it doesn't
matter who your parents are.

You just can't help
but love them, right?

Especially the dad.

- [sh**ting BASKETBALLS]
- I'm done f*ckin' my life up.

I wanna be somebody she's proud of.

I know you will.

[BUZZER]

You were really good
with her. You know that?

♪

A natural. I always thought
you'd be a good mother.

- Get outta here.
- It's true.

Deal with it.

- SERVER: Your club soda, sir.
- Thanks.

I guess I could see myself being a mom.

Uh, your skinny Mississippi mudslide

blaster with all the bells and whistles.

Is there a rum floater in here?

Sure is.

Usually, I can smell
if there's rum on top,

but he seems trustworthy. [SLURPS]

[DEEP BREATH]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, what do we write in
your dad's thank you note?

He hates mail.

And texts and phone calls.

Maybe we'll skip that one.

You're goin' pretty fast over there.

Let's see what kind of thank
you note writer you are.

"Aunt Charlotte, I already had a
blender. Want it back? John and Beth."

Okay, I'm gonna actually take
over this activity. Thank you.

Alright. Well, I'm pretty tired.

Think I'm just gonna go to sleep.

[SIGHS]

Today was good.

- It was okay?
- Yeah. It was

sweet. She just...

I don't know, they
connected. She wasn't mad

about all the years he missed
or anything. It was just

love and adoration.

That's nice.

- We love our parents. [SIGHS]
- Yeah.

♪

I think I wanna have one.

A parent?

A kid.

[JOHN SIGHS]

I'm a little tired, but I can rally.

Not right now.

Whenever.

I'm ready.

- Really? 'Cause I'm serious.
- Me too.

I want that, too.

So, let's try.

Let's try.

[MINE FOREVER BY LORD HURON PLAYING]

♪ If you ever wanna see my
face again, I wanna know ♪

♪ If you ever get lonely,
please let me know ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ If you never wanna see my
face again, I'll understand ♪

♪ If forever gets lonely, take my hand ♪

[VOCALIZING]

♪ In my mind, you're mine forever ♪

♪ In my mind, you're mine forever ♪

♪ In my mind, you're mine forever ♪

♪ In my mind, you're mine forever ♪

It's so easy.