02x06 - A Tight Ass is a Wonderful Thing

[bunniefuu]

Mm, thank you for the ride.

It's the best part of my day.

Me, too.

Me three.

So much better than the bus.

Look, who'd have thought that when you so kindly offered to drive me to work last week, it would become a regular thing? Not me.

You know, you should really think about getting some water and mints back here.

It's not an Uber.

It certainly isn't.

So, what's new at the zoo?
- The Detroit Zoo?
-
(CHUCKLES) No, the hospital.

Then why'd you ask about the zoo? Bob is playfully asking you about work, as if it is crazy, like the zoo.


- Thank you.


- It was very convoluted.

Got it.


- How was your day?
- Yes.

How is the job, Bob? You see? Simple, clear.

Well, my job is fine.

It's the other parts of my day that get stressful.

Mm, stress can be a k*ller.

I wish it was a silent k*ller.

You see, look.

That vein on the side of your neck should not be throbbing like that.

Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity.


- I'll get it checked out.


- You better.

It's dangerous for a man your size.

Oh, look.

It's speeding up.

Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity
("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) The catfish pepper soup was particularly good tonight.


- Ah, don't tell Auntie that, though.


- Why not? Because it suggests that on other occasions her soup was not "particularly good.

" How about "it's becoming one of my favorites"?
(IMITATING AUNTIE OLU): Oh, Bob, why was it not a favorite before?
(LAUGHS) Uh "Auntie, the catfish pepper soup was delicious, as always.

" Always? Are you saying I make it too much? Well, what should I say, then? You already said the perfect thing.

You asked for seconds.

It's nice when it's just you and me.

It is.

Like our morning drives used to be.

So, the Kemi situation.

Are you two a package deal? Package deal? Yeah, you know, buy one, get one free of any sense of boundaries.


- She's a good friend.


- She is.

I just notice that your friendship's a bit of a one
-way street, and I'm the chauffeur.

She can be a handful.

Oh, so you do know.

Kemi is Kemi.

Take her or leave her.

Wait, is leaving her an option? No.

She has been in my life for many years, and she has helped me through some difficult times.


- Did you enjoy dinner, Bob?
- Ah, yeah.

I couldn't eat another bite.

I see.


- Oh, Bob.


- What? What did I say? How can she hear that as anything other than I loved it? Don't worry, Bob, since you are unable to stomach another bite, Olu will never make that soup again.

All right, give me the pot.

I'll chug it right in front of her.

Like cheap beer? Don't worry, she got your message.


- Oh, Bob
- Oh Doctor, we've got a new patient from Malaysia.

I'll prep the instruments.

Scalpel.

Just open the box.

Come on, we're having fun.

If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.

Then you should not be paid for that day.

Whoops
-a
-dandy.

That is not a men's large.

Let me see.

Oh, no, this is a box of baby booties.

What an adorable yet costly mistake.

Looks like some idiot ordered the wrong sizes.

You are the idiot.

Yeah.

Is it the whole shipment? So we're just done having fun today, huh? Abishola.


- Mm
-hmm.


- What are you doing here? Having lunch.

But you said you could not pick me up today.


- I couldn't.


- Is something wrong? Yes.

You.

What? Bob no longer wants you in his car.

He finds you annoying.

Damn, you know, you could have just made something up.

Why would I do that? So Bob actually said the word "annoying"? Not the exact word.

Oh, so it is you who finds me annoying.

No, I'm used to it.

Then what is the problem? I believe your constant talking gets to him, like a fly buzzing around his head.

I talk because you cannot keep up with our witty banter.

You tell him his jokes are terrible.

That is part of the banter.

Maybe you misunderstood.

Maybe it is you he would prefer to leave at the bus stop.

Kemi, listen to what I am telling you.

I don't want to listen because what you are saying makes no sense! Ladies, you're scaring the white people.

Fine.

Abishola, if you tell me that Bob doesn't want me around, I will accept it.

Bob does not want you around.

I cannot accept this! There you are, cousin.

Yes, here I am.

Are you aware your break was over eight minutes ago? Are you aware that the devil lives in all of us? You know what, take ten more minutes.

What's the point, Kofo? Why live in a world without consequences? You ate a dozen yogurts.

There will be consequences.

Douglas made a mistake, and I did nothing.

I deserve the sharp pains of a grumbly tummy.

What could you have done? Reported him.

Punished him.

But instead, my integrity was compromised by Douglas's sad eyes and silly voice.

I like his voice.

It's like he's old and young at the same time.

I have let down myself, my family, and most importantly you, Kofo.

You, who looks up to me the most.

Stop this nonsense.

You are a good man and a great leader.

And the workers think so, too.

They call me a controlling tight ass.

Yes, and a tight ass is a wonderful thing.

You think so? Absolutely.

Where would this company be without your tight ass holding everything together? In deep doo
-doo? In deep doo
-doo.

But I messed up.

So you let one slip through the cracks.

Accidents happen.

But your ass is still the tightest I've ever seen.

Hey, guys.


- Hello.


- Hello.

What's with all the empty yogurts?
- Sorry.


- We will pick them up.

I'd say it's a tie.

Next.

Hey, Chuey, how's it going, man?
- Hello, Bob.


- Just picking up for Mom.

I'm afraid Dorothy Wheeler's prescription is not available.


- You're out?
- No, Bob, you are out.

What? I can no longer provide you with the award
-winning, high
-quality health and pharmacy services you have come to expect at the CVS.

Is it 'cause of the toilet paper? I could buy it at the front.

I never know the protocol.

It varies with each pharmacist, but that is not the point.

The point is, you have besmirched the woman who holds my heart.


- Your mother?
- The other woman.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Abishola told Kemi what you said about her.


- Oh
- And Kemi spent all night telling me.

Your name came up many times during our lovemaking.

Come on, man, I don't want to hear that.

Neither did I, Bob.

I'm afraid you're going to have to take your business elsewhere.

The Warren Avenue CVS branch.

I've called in your mother's prescription.

Thanks.

I have two obligations.

One is to my love, Kemi.

The other is to the sacred brotherhood of pharmacists.

Can I still No? Okay.

Did you get the prescription? Oh, I got a lot more than that.

Somehow Kemi found out that I find her annoying.

Because I told her.

Why? Because you find her annoying.

You're not supposed to tell her.

Then why did you tell me? I was venting to you so I wouldn't say something nasty to her.

Then how would she know that you find her annoying? She wouldn't! Then she will just keep on annoying you.

Yes.

Now you are annoying.

And I'd rather you'd not told me that.

It is always best to get things out in the open.

So you tell everyone every time you have a problem with them?
- Yes.


- You wonder why you don't have many friends.

See? That's the kind of thing I would usually keep to myself.

Are there other things you keep to yourself? What? A
-Are there Are there what? Are there things about me that you find annoying? Look, it's no big deal.

No relationship is perfect.

Everybody has problems.

What are ours? I don't want to talk about 'em because that makes 'em bigger problems.


- Just say what you have to say.


- No!
- Why?
- Because I don't want to fight! What do you think we're doing now? That thing I don't want to do.

Douglas? I must speak with you.

Oh, before I forget, Kofo, do you have the keys to the forklift?
- Yes.


- Can I have them? Is it for work? You got me.


(LAUGHS) Douglas, I have failed you.

Actually, it's probably better he didn't give me the keys.

I have encouraged you to run from your mistake instead of embracing, overcoming and learning from it.

Where are the bad boxes? Which bad boxes? The bad baby bootie boxes.


(LAUGHS): Oh, those.

Don't worry about it.

I dealt with it.

How? Are you sure you want to know how the hot dog is made? Oh, no.

How is the hot dog made? Before I show you what I'm about to show you, I need you both to promise me something.

Crap.

Oluwa mi o.

Why is this hole even here? You guys really got to stop asking questions.

Did you really think we wouldn't notice this? Well, you didn't.

It is good that you showed us.

Let me tell you a story.

Is it a long story? It's very dark in here.

Many years ago, when I was teaching in the economics department at Akwa Ibom State University
- Wait, you were a professor?
- I was going to be, but I found out my mentor was having an affair with a student.

I told him the lack of integrity would weigh on his conscience.

I was fired the next day.

That sucks.

It did suck.

A big one.

I lost my position, my house, but I kept the most important thing: my integrity.

But you would have been a professor.


- Without the integrity.


- But same pay.


- Yes.


- And benefits.

But what would the benefits be without the integrity? KOFO: Medical, vision, probably some sort of matching pension contribution It may seem foolish now, but telling the truth is never a mistake.

Oh, come on! Another hole? Not cool, Douglas.

Abishola? Hello, Kemi.

Why are you not riding with Bob? Was I right? Are you the annoying one? Maybe.

I found out yesterday that Bob thinks we have problems.


- What problems?
- He will not tell me.

Oh.

The problem must be so bad, it is unspeakable.

That is what I'm worried about.

How can I marry a man if we cannot communicate? Communication is the key.

I thought I had a great relationship with Bob, but then, out of nowhere, he threw me out of his Cadillac and onto the street.

We are talking about me and Bob.

Yes, we are.

If he could betray someone as lovable as me, what chance do you have? Douglas, do you have something to say to your mother?
(SIGHS)
(QUIETLY): I messed up.

What? I messed up.

I hid hundreds of misordered boxes from you.


- Oh, Douglas.


- I know.

You had faith in me and I let you down.

I wouldn't say "faith.

" Right, well, these guys had faith in me.

Really? At the beginning, no.

At the end, no.

But in the middle, yes.

How bad is it? All told, we can expect losses of up to six figures and delays that could impact our entire quarter.

I let you down, Mom.

I'm sorry.

I'm proud of you for facing the music.

If you don't have integrity, you don't have anything.

You see? Of course he sees.

Now burn 'em.


- What?
- Tell the insurance company we had an accidental fire and we lost a lot of inventory, along with any records associated with it.

But that's not true.

I was going to have the insurance company pay for it, but if the man who supervises this idiot wants to cover the loss, so be it.

Perhaps the faulty sorting machine was also lost in the fire? Now, that's management material.

You're right, Goodwin, I do feel better.

Do not look at me.

Hello, Bob.


- Kemi?
- We need to talk.

Look, if this is about me not driving you, you got to understand This is not about you and I, this is about you and Abishola.

If you want to save your relationship, you must let me inside.

Of course, come in.

Wait, you brought your laundry? I brought my guidance.

And my laundry.

I think Abishola and I are doing great.

Yes, well, you think wrong.

But I can help you fix it.

As soon as I get something to drink.

I'll get you some water.

You will get me some wine.

Mmm, this opens up nicely.

Very fruity.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

You know what would pair well with this? Food.

Can we just get to the part where you help me with Abishola? Are you done folding my intimates? Fine.

Uh
-uh, careful.

Don't get my panties in a bunch.

Rolled or folded? Rolled, please.

Now, while you are doing that, where can I put on my swimsuit? I was told you have a hot tub.

Okay, enough.

No more laundry, no more wine, and, no, you cannot use my hot tub.


- Finally.


- Finally? Yes, you are no longer being weak.

I was looking for your backbone and at last I have found it.


- I'm not weak.


- Really? You let someone you barely know drink your wine, wash her unmentionables, and then you rolled them for her.


- I was being polite.


- Stop that.

You are too afraid of hurting people's feelings.

Be more Nigerian.

So I should be rude? To you it is rude, to us it is honesty.

We need to know the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.

You can never allow Abishola to wonder how you feel.

Well, that makes sense.

Of course it does.

You're welcome.

So, where can I change? No, you cannot use my hot tub.

Well done, Bob.

Now shut up and point me to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Bumpity
-bumpity
-bumpity
-bumpity.


- Good morning.


- Good morning.

Listen, I have a problem, and I want to tell you what it is.


- Good.


- I know I'm not supposed to b*at around the bush, so I'm not gonna do that.

I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

When? Right now.

We don't sleep together.

Yes, we do.

No, I mean, actually sleep.

Snoring, drooling,
- the whole works.


- What are you talking about? I don't want to pick you up from your place in the morning.

I want to wake up next to you.

The best part of my day, week, year, whatever, would be opening my eyes, looking over, and seeing the woman I love by my side.

That's very nice.

And I was direct about it.

Yes, you were.

And that was your big problem with us? Well, it's not a big problem, but yeah.

So, you think you could spend the night once in a while? No.


- Come on.


- It is inappropriate.

Your mother is in the room next door.

I could stay at your place.

Absolutely not.

Well, on my birthday weekend, I'm booking a hotel
- whether you show up or not.


-
(ENGINE STARTS) It's August 3rd, so put it on your calendar.

Are you sure it's okay if we use this? Oh, yes.

Bob is a close friend who I helped through a very hard time.

What the hell? Hello, Bob.

I would stand up, but Kemi said house rules are men go commando.

That ain't my rule.

Good, Bob, express yourself.

Now, there are some cupcakes in the fridge.

Can you bring them out, please? No! DOTTIE: Hey! You got room for one more?