04x17 - I'll Never Play Banjo Again

[bunniefuu]

See this, Dele?

That's me and Max on our honeymoon.

Aw, you used to be very beautiful,

Granny Dottie.

What are you trying to say?

That you have always

been very beautiful.


- Good save.


- No, it wasn't.

I didn't know you played football.

Started varsity as a sophomore.

I almost sacked a guy who almost went on

to play semi
-pro Canadian football.

Cool.

Where is this?


- Ah, that's our old lake house.


- Aw.

Spent every summer there.

Why are you so red?

You look like a hot dog.

'Cause Granny Dottie sent us

outside without any sunscreen.

Hey, it was the '70s.

There was plenty of ozone to go around.

That's where my dad

taught me how to fish.

I got my first kiss there.

Was it with the fish?

It was Sarah Palmer. We both had braces.

Kiss didn't end till

my dad pried us apart

with a Swiss Army Kn*fe.

Is that Christina and Douglas?

No, actually,

that's Christina and that's Douglas.

Oh.

You have any old photo albums?


- Of course.


- Well, you should bust them out.

No, thank you.

Come on, there's nothing

to be embarrassed about.

Look, here's my naked phase

when I was three.

Aw, you had such a cute little heinie.


(LAUGHS) Still does.

I do not want to look

back at any of my phases.

I'm sure Dele would love to see

some pictures from your childhood.

I'm sure he would also love

to go to the school dance,

but neither one of those

things are going to happen.

Come on, don't you want to

hear your mom's stories?

Not if she doesn't want to share them.

And I do not.


- But you have wondered.


- Of course.

Well, you see that? The kid


- wants to know about you.


- Enough.


- Dele, go to your room.


- Yes, Mum.

My fault. Sorry, bud.

I'll see you at dinner.


("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING)

All right, if there is nothing else,

meeting adjourned.

Oh, before I forget, our Walmart rep

gave me two front row tickets

to Celtics
-Pistons on Friday.

How exciting.

Douglas, you've been on that account.

I thought maybe you'd like to come.

How exciting for Douglas.

Friday? I can't. I have a date.

Well, you know what?

You've been putting in the hours.

Take your bus driver lady to a ball game

and, here,

have a couple $20 beers on me.

Mm
-mm. Mm
-mm. Mm
-mm.


- Mm
-mm. Mm
-mm.


- What "mm
-mm"? What? What's wrong?

Olivia and I broke up.

She took that bus and

ran right over his heart.

She hurt my baby.

Call me old
-fashioned,

but I hope she dies in a fire.

Can we just talk about work?

Well, that's, uh, too bad.

Boy, you get busy for a few weeks,

you
-you miss all the news.

This was three months ago.

But your platitude still stands.

Well, I'm sorry, buddy.

It's not a big deal.

Is the meeting over?

Yeah. I'll see you guys later.

Uh, where did we land on the tickets?

Knock yourself out.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I'm so glad you're dating again.

You took that breakup pretty hard.


- You did?


- He did.


- Big
-time.


- DOUGLAS: I was told

the meeting was adjourned.

Can I go back to work, please?

Very good. Stay focused.

What did I tell you at dinner?


(SIGHS) "Make yourself

into a man worthy of love,

and love will find you."

I wrote that one down

as soon as you said it.

You were there, too?

Oh, yeah, we all went.

This one turns into quite a poet

after a few glasses of wine.


- Guilty.


-
(LAUGHS)

Well, it's good

somebody was there for you.

Oh, honey, I know how you feel.

You spend a couple of months

in St. Barts to decompress,

you come home and, all of a sudden,

your kid's graduating high school.

I mean, you can't b*at yourself up,

you needed the break.

I wasn't on vacation, I've been working.

There you go. Bury the guilt.

Are you wearing the cologne I sent?

Remember,

if the judge likes what he smells,

he will like what he hears.


- Her son?


- The lawyer.


- Ooh.


- Now, run me through your closing argument.

No, no, no.

First, you cite precedent,

and then you att*ck the

plaintiff's character.

This is basic stuff. Do not be stupid.

She loves him so much.

Okay, put the children on.

Hello, my babies.

Granny is coming to see you soon,

and she's going to get

you in the tickle machine,

and she's going to tickle you

and tickle you

and tickle you.

Night
-night, my cuddle bugs.


(KISSING) No, I love you more.


(KISSING)

What?

Just wondering where we

could buy a tickle machine.

I've never seen this side of you.


- It is wonderful.


-
(CHUCKLES)

Yes. I used to think I

didn't like children.

Turns out, I just didn't like my own.

I'm glad you and your

son are talking again.

And I bet those kids are glad

to have their grandma back.

Especially since he told them

I was dead.
(LAUGHS)

What?

We were fighting. You say things.

Did they have questions

when you came back to life?

They know better than to ask.

It is none of their business.

So the kids have to say goodnight

to the ghost of Grandma Kemi?

ABISHOLA: Nigerians don't like

to share their personal

lives with their children.

Mm
-hmm. You have to remain infallible.

Once you show them you are human,

you have lost all authority.

So how do they learn from your mistakes?


- What mistakes?


- What mistakes?

Never mind. My father was just like you,

completely closed off.

For years, all I knew about him

was that he grunted

and hated tartar sauce.

Well, elders choose to pass on

what they think is important.


- Hmm.


- Perhaps condiments and coughing

was all he wanted you to know.

He didn't even tell me

when he was diagnosed

with prostate cancer.

Oh, that's terrible. Sorry, Gloria.


(SIGHS) All I'm saying is,

talk to your children while you can.

Funmbi, when was the last time

you had your prostate checked?

Pass the phone to your wife,

I will tell her what to do.


-
(WHISPERS): Thank you, Gloria.


- Don't thank me.

I did fall asleep eventually.

The melatonin helped.


- Thank you for the suggestion.


-
(STAMMERS)

I did not know you were

having trouble sleeping.

Do you also not know I am on the phone?

Sorry.

I have the same problem.

As soon as I lie down,

it is like a faucet in

the back of my throat.

Mm. That may be postnasal drip.

We'll get you a humidifier

and prop you up on a pillow.

Excuse me, are you my friend Abeni,

who is spending a dollar a

minute just to speak to me?


- No.


- Then stop talking.

Sorry.

At least with the lack of sleep,

I have almost finished

this month's book.

I agree it is fantastic.

I never considered

what life would be like as

the wife of a time traveler.

Oh, Kemi read that. She said that

Abeni, let us talk another time.

I am being spied on.

I did not know you were in a book club.

That must be a nice way to keep in touch

with your friends in Nigeria.

That shirt still has a stain on it.

I know,

and I've tried everything.

I'm going to have to throw it out.

Nonsense. Mix lemon juice with water,

add a pinch of salt,

spray the shirt, leave it in the sun

for an hour. It will be as good as new.

Thank you, Mummy.

You are so full of

wonderful knowledge.

Who taught you that?

Who cares who taught me.

It will get out the stain.

Of course.

I feel like I am living

with Barbara Walters.


- Hey.


- Hey.

So
(SIGHS)

Sup?

Not much.

You know, when I say "sup" to you,

I really mean it.

And I really mean it when I say

"not much."

I am sorry about your breakup.


- I'm fine.


- Good.

Good, good, good.

You know who's not good? The Tigers.

I can't believe some of

the moves they're making.


- It's like they want to lose.


- That's what Goodwin said.

You talk baseball with Goodwin?

It's our thing now. I got him into it.

Thought it was our thing, but

whatevs.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna meet the right one.

I know.

Cool. Cool beans.

Huh?

You know, like, tight.

Everything's tight.

How many of these do you want done?

Uh, I want to thread the whole fleet,

do a test run in full production mode.

Okay, well,

I'm almost done with this one.

I just got to keep this

yarn from splitting.


(SCREAMS)


- Whoa! Turn it off!


-
(GRUNTS)


- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.


- Put pressure on it!

Hold your hand above your head.

Is it dripping?

Okay. Oh, my God.

We got to get you to the hospital.

Come on.

Okay. I'll call Goodwin.

We're not calling Goodwin!


- I'm gonna look.


- You don't need to do that.

Just breathe, we're almost there.


- Ah, I looked.


- I said breathe. Relax.

When you yell at someone to relax,

they don't relax.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.


- You don't know that.


- Yes, I do.

You remember that time at the lake house

when me and my friends were

going off the rope swing,

and then you tried and let go too early,

and you hit your head on a rock?

No, I don't remember that at all.

Yeah, you were kind of unconscious.

The point is, I got you through it.

I'm your big brother.

I'm gonna take care of you.

Okay.

You're not gonna lose the finger,

you hear me?

Yeah.

If you do,

it's an a*t*matic conversation starter.

That's true.

There's this girl at my gym

with one leg,

and every time she hops

onto that treadmill,

I want to know her story.

I'm gonna look again.

I just told you not to look at it.


- Oh, you could see the bone.


- You can't see the bone.


- Yes, I can.


- Yeah, you can see the bone.

Here are my family photos.

I'm willing to answer

questions and share stories.

Really?

Yes. I'm your mother.

You should know about me.

Where is this coming from?

Do you want to see the photos or not?


- Is that you?


- Yes.

I had a few awkward years as a teenager.

I think it just took some time

for you to grow into your head.

Dele.

They used to call me

"head of the class."

That's clever, but very mean.

Wow. Look how young you and Dad are.

Mm. I was not born an adult, you know.

I didn't know Dad had a motorcycle.

Oh, that was mine.

I have so many questions.

It had 600 cc's,

and no, you cannot have one.

Whose wedding is this?

My cousin. Mm.

That's where your father and I met.

He was so handsome

and such a good dancer.

I knew I wanted to meet him.

So you made the first move?

Do not talk to your mother like that.

Your father was a very

respectful young man.

He asked my father's permission

before he took me out on a date.

You're sitting on his lap in this one.

Oh.

Isn't this the same wedding?

Yes.

Where you just met?

I think we have shared enough.


- This is a strange feeling.


- What is?

You're not just my mother.

You're a person.

I prefer to just be your mother.

Let's go back to that.

Too late.

It's gonna be fine.

Abishola's on her way.

She doesn't need to do that.

I'm feeling much better.


- No, I'm not.


- Okay.

Sit.


(GRUNTS)

Hi. You might know my wife,

Abishola Adebambo.

She's a nurse in cardiology.

She told me to tell you to bump us up.

Is the person you're with experiencing

chest pains or in labor?


- No.


- Have a seat.

Listen, lady,

that's my little brother over there,

a
-and his finger's

damn near falling off.

I don't care what it costs,

I want him seen right now,

you hear me? Thank you.

Security, stand by.

I'm sitting. I'm sitting.


- You're gonna be okay.


- I'm such an idiot.

I can't even make a sock

without mutilating myself.

Look, accidents happen.

It's just bad luck.

I'll never play banjo again.

You never played before.


- Well, now it's off the table.


- Oh.


- Bob.


- There you are.

Wife of mine.

ABISHOLA: Are you okay, Douglas?


- No.


- Why are you still waiting?

Her.

I guess if you're not losing an organ

Why is my brother
-in
-law

sitting in the waiting room

with a grade three laceration?

We're swamped down here.

If he even loses a fingernail

due to your negligence,

I'll report you to the review board.

Review board.

She's good.


-
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)


- Success! No fingers left behind.


(CHEERING)

Bring it in, buddy.

I didn't expect everybody to be here.

All right, let's give him some room.

No, no, it's nice.

Enough, he needs to rest. Come.

We brought ice cream.

Would you like some?

Sounds good, thanks.

I
-I think everyone would like ice cream.

You're on heavy pain medication.

You might have some trouble with food.

Good point. Just a beer.

I think everyone would like a beer.

I got him some ice.

Ooh, thank you. We got you some ice.

So, what happened, sweetie?

I was just being careless.

Classic Douglas.

Enough of that, it was an accident.

I don't want to say it again.


- Okay.


- You have spent

hour after hour working

on that warehouse floor.

Hell, you've been coming in on

the weekends just to learn the

new machines. If this happened

to somebody as skilled as you,

it could've happened to anybody.


- Thanks, Bob.


- You're welcome.


- We're all just glad you're okay.


- Mm.

I love you, buddy.

I love you, too.


(CHOKING UP):

Did you see that the Lions, they

they fired their offensive coordinator?

They had to do something.

The guy's running

a West Coast offense

without the personnel.

They really do love each other.

Guess you have to lose a finger

to receive some affection around here.


(CHUCKLES)

Honey, give it a rest.

You will be fine. I still have

the scar on my hand from

when I was a little girl.

I got it playing in the tool shed

at my grandfather's farm.

I remember that.

I did not know

great
-grandfather had a farm.

He grew cassava.

We would drive up and help

him harvest it by hand.

Working on your grandfather's farm

must've been a very

special time for you.

You know,

my Uncle Willy had a sweet corn farm.

Bob, please. My mother is speaking.

All right.

Well, in August, we would all

pile in the car, and then we


(BASEBALL PLAYING ON TV)

You starting to like baseball?

No, not really.

It grows on you.

Okay.

So, this spring training

game does not even count?

Nope. Basically, a big practice.

And because you were at work,

the game already happened.

But instead of just looking up who won,

you are watching it.

I'm a complicated man.


(SIGHS) That is one way to put it.


(PHONE CHIMES)

Aw, my brother says his date went well.


- Mm. That is wonderful.


- Yeah, hang on,

let me write him back.

Thumbs up. Party hat.

Good for him.

After ending a relationship,

it can be hard to try again.

Tell me about it. After my divorce,

I had trouble moving on.

You are being modest.

No man who can flirt with a woman

while wearing a hospital gown


- has trouble with the ladies.


-
(CHUCKLES)

I'm telling you. It went Lorraine,

a lot of frozen pizzas for dinner,

and then you.

Aw, you love me more than pizza.


(CHUCKLES)

What about you?

A lot of microwave jollof after Tayo?

Uh, I had a boyfriend or two.

Was it "a" or two?

One was very serious. His name was Ke

You know what?

I think we shared enough for now.


- Okay.


- Okay.