04x20 - The Genius Who Fell Out of my Womb

[bunniefuu]

Mmm. First time I tried egusi,

I could barely stand the spice.

Now look.
(COUGHS)

That's allergies.

Can I have some more pepper, please?

Show off.

You may have the pepper

if you answer the

following history question.

Don't tell me. It's finals week.

Best week of the year.

What kind of kid looks forward

to taking a bunch of tests?

The genius who fell out of my womb.


(CHUCKLES)

Who fought the Thirty Years' w*r?

Catholics and Protestants

in Central Europe.

Hold on, I am googling.

Correct. Enjoy the pepper.

You know,

I was talking to a client today,

Southern Michigan man like me.

Go Jackrabbits!

Why is he screaming?

It is something he does

with the other alumni.

I've seen it happen in grocery stores.

I can't wait for college.

SMU was the best time of my life.

I should take you for a visit.

It's only a couple hours.

Why would you do that?

Dele is going to Harvard.


- Yes.


- Obviously.

What an odd suggestion.

So he can't even look at other schools?


- No.


- Why?

What a ridiculous question.

My counsellor did say we should

be touring a variety of schools.

Which is not something I need to do.

I'm not trying to

steal him from Harvard.

It'd be a fun trip.

We can hit the road,

sing the fight song of

the mighty Jackrabbits.

We gotta hop, hop,

hop for Southern Michigan ♪

The great school where ♪

The Great Lakes begin! ♪

I can see why people

might find that annoying,

but I love it.

Come on,

it can be a reward for acing his final.

I do not give rewards

for something I expect.

AUTIE OLU: Abishola,

sometimes you just have

to let your husband have

a pointless adventure.

Even if it is just to shut him up.

Okay, let's not everybody help at once.

Pass me that pepper.


("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING)

The old man in 402

is annoyingly energetic today.

He got a new pacemaker.

Well, then somebody needs

to dial down the pace.


(PHONE BUZZING)

Ugh.

You okay?

Bob is sending me notable

alumni from his university.

Oh. From speaking with him,

I never got the impression

he went to college.

Along with a local accident

attorney named Fender Ben.

KEMI: Uh
-uh.

"Fender Ben, your bent fender friend"?

I love him.

Bob insists that Dele will benefit

from seeing his old stomping grounds.

Wanting to share precious memories

with his loved ones.

The nerve.

What next?

Is he going to take you to the preschool

where he was toilet
-trained?

GLORIA: You do realize

those elite universities

don't take everyone, right?

So, you believe Dele is too

stupid to get into Harvard?

No, I'm just saying,

there are a lot of Deles out

there competing to get in.

But my Dele is the best Dele.


(SCOFFS) It never hurts

to have a backup plan.

Why do you continue

to call him an idiot?

Never mind.

You know what?

You should take him

to Bob's silly campus.

Why would I do that?

Threatening Dele with

a terrible education

will shock him into working harder.

Oh, come on, now.

The horrors of mediocrity

will scare Dele straight

into the Ivy Leagues.

Thank you, Kemi.

And that is what supporting

a friend looks like.


- Are we ready to begin?


- Real quick.

I'm gonna be gone for a bit,

'cause for the first time,

I won an argument in my marriage.


- Aw.


- Oh.

So, she threw you out?

Abishola and I are gonna take Dele

on a little road trip

to visit my alma mater.

Oh! I would love to return to


(IN ACCENT):

the Universidade NOVA de Lisboa.

I did not know you studied abroad.

She went to Portugal for two weeks

and spoke with an accent for a year.

The mornings.


(IN ACCENT):

A cup of café with my pastel de nata.

In the evenings, we danced

the fandango alongside the Rio Tejo.


(CHUCKLES, SUCKS AIR)

Are you done?

Prossiga.

While I'm away,

I've brought in some reinforcements.

Mom!

Look who we smuggled in from Malaysia.

She is kidding. I flew Delta.

Let's all give Wati a

warm MaxDot welcome.


- Hey, so good to see you, Wati.


-
(OTHERS MUMBLING)

WATI: I am so excited.

Now, when I put "Made in America"

on my products,

I will not be lying.

Welcome, Mr. Zhao.

It is good to have someone

whose expertise will compliment my own.

Will this affect the chain of command?

Nope, you're still at the bottom.

Well, it's always nice

to have diversity in upper management.

Thank you, Christina.

So he is upper management?

Guys, relax.

Wati has always been

a part of this team.

The company's growing,

so his role's growing, too.

Hey, this is your first day in America.

I'll show you the town.

Yeah, I want to eat a chili dog

and buy a g*n.

I know a place where you can do both.

Okay. What two countries did

Yugoslavia split into in 2003?

Serbia and Montenegro.

Correct.

In 1989, what did the Bennigan's

near campus turn into?

I do not think he will get AP credits

for the history of Bob.

The answer is Burger Palace.

Best malt in Southern Michigan.

You just said that about a

diner we passed 20 minutes ago.

That was the best milkshake.

Ah. The kid's a quick study.

Well, here we are. Welcome to the 'Zoo.

That's what you call Kalamazoo

if you want to sound cool.

Cool.

Oh. There it is. McConnell Hall.

Freshman year dorm.

Fun fact, built by a guy

who designed prisons.

Do not worry,

you're not going to stay in the dorm.

You will stay with your second cousin.

She only lives an hour from Harvard.

BOB: Come on.

He's got to get the full experience.

Meeting kids from all over,

learning to sleep three

feet from a total stranger.

And the stranger's girlfriend.

It's only an hour, you said?


- He's gonna fall behind.


- What do you mean?

People on campus are at school 24/7.

You have access to study groups.

It's easier to get to

the professor's office.

It's like living in a lecture hall.

That's interesting.

You're damn right it is.

If I wasn't in the dorms,

I would've never made the dean's list.


- You made the dean's list?


- At Southern Michigan University.

Go Jackrabbits!


(HORN HONKING)

And there is Mr. Wheeler's office,

which you can enter freely,

thanks to the open
-door

policy I suggested.

I believe in closed doors.

That is also a good policy.

Hello!

Welcome to our factory,

my new friend.

I have no idea who you are.

Babatunde Olatunji.

MaxDot's senior consultant.

That sounds made up.

Well, Bob created the position for me.

So it is made up.

No, it is real.

He's a senior and does

a lot of consulting.

I am also Bob's wife's uncle.

Which is not necessarily relevant.

Of course it is.

That is why I got the job.

Shall we continue your tour?

No, thank you, I have seen enough.


(MUTTERING)

He seems nice.

And this is the student union,

home to WKMZ radio.

I actually had my own talk show.

It's Bob Wheeler,

host of The Morning 'Zoo.

How we feeling, Jackrabbits?

Let me guess. It was a sports show.

And current events.

I broke the story about

the campus streaker.

Were you the campus streaker?

No, but I might have been the

guy who convinced him to do it.

Is that whole building for science?

Yeah, and the one next to it.

Spent a lot of time there.

I thought you majored in communications.

With a minor in meteorology.


(IN RADIO VOICE):

We got a storm front pushing through.

Bundle up, Jackrabbits.


(NORMAL VOICE): I was gonna use

the voice one way or another.

I like that girl's hoodie.

Hoodie, huh?

Let's check out the campus store.

We'll get you some swag.

You know, that car of yours

would look real good

with an SMU bumper sticker.

But then in traffic people

will assume he goes here.

God forbid anybody think he

went to my crappy school.

Exactly.

I am glad you had a great time here,

but this place is not right for Dele.

What if Harvard isn't right for him?

Don't be ridiculous.

Harvard is right for everyone

that is good enough to get in.

That's elitist, you know that?

Yes.

That's not a good thing.

Only for those who are not elite.

Oh, my God.

Seems to be a bike
-friendly campus.

That's nice.

Dele needs to go to the best schools

to be successful.

I went here and look at me.

I'm a seven
-time Undergarment

Distributor of the Year.

Dele does not have the

same advantages you had.

Hey, I paid my own way

and busted my ass the whole time.

Look at this bench.

"A gift of the class of 1980."

Very generous.

ABISHOLA: He needs to go to a school

that will open doors for him.

This school opened doors for me.

Yes, to your family's company.

And there it is. Let's just forget it.

Come on, let's go.

Just so you know,

the Unabomber went to Harvard.


- Theta Phi Zeta step.


- OTHERS: Zeta step.


(ALL GRUNT)

Ah.


- Theta Phi.


- OTHERS: Zeta.


(ALL GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)


- Theta Phi.


- OTHERS: Zeta.


(ALL GRUNT)


- Yeah!


-
(SCATTERED WHOOPS)

Thank you. That was so cool.

Yeah, you can't have him.

He's going to Harvard.

We should look at some of

these student organizations.

Eh, you don't have to humor me.

I think it would be good for Dele

to see some of the study

clubs he could join.

I could join study clubs? Awesome!

Man, she did a number on you.

Hey, look at this.

The Pan African Students Association.

"Open to any and all

students interested in issues

that involve and affect

the African diaspora."

An important club like that

at an academic cesspool like this?

What are the chances?

They have an engineering club.

Oh, why don't you check it out?

See what they did wrong to end up here.

I'm gonna take Dele to the library.

Good idea.

I think it's that way.

College 101, kid.

No matter where you are,

always tell your mom

you were at the library.

That's high school 101, but okay.


- Goodwin.


- Hello, Kofo.

There is a shark among us.

We need to form an alliance.

I have made it very clear

that my policy is:

"Every man for himself."

Wati has it out for Uncle Tunde.

I think his job is in trouble.

Oh, no.

What does Tunde do again?

Tale as old as time, you know?

New guard comes in,

starts trimming the fat.

I've seen it everywhere I've worked.

You've only ever had

one job besides here.

Well, now I've seen it both places.

Wati is not our enemy.

He is a resource.

A rising tide lifts all boats.

You know, as someone who's

almost drowned in a wave pool,

I am offended by that saying.

What do we do?

Is he going to fire everyone?


- Well, not everyone.


-
(CHUCKLES)

Wheeler. Wheeler.

CHRISTINA: It's not fair that

the people who've worked

so hard for so many years

are the ones on the chopping block.

I wish we could be chopped, but again


- Wheeler.


- Wheeler.


(WHISTLE BLOWS)

That means the meeting is starting.

Two whistles means we are done.


- I need to get a whistle.


- Let's begin.


-
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)


-
(LIVELY CHATTER)

What do you think?

I'm in greasy heaven.

It's soggier than I remember,

but those memories are a little hazy,


- if you know what I mean.


- I do.

Well, you shouldn't!

I'm telling you,

you're gonna be a star in college.


- I hope so.


- I know so.

You're smart, funny.

People are gonna be

lining up to sit with you

at one of these sticky tables.

Were they like this when you were here?

Again, I don't quite remember.

A lot of change coming.

Yeah.

You know what makes a

hard thing impossible?

Not really wanting to do

it in the first place.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you actually want to go to Harvard?

Uh, yeah, it's Harvard.

All right, I'm just checking,

'cause it's your decision.

College is where you're

gonna meet lifelong friends

and make incredible memories,

and I want you to be as

happy there as I was here.

Thanks.

I know you'll make the right

choices wherever you go.

Which will be Harvard.

Can I ask you something?

You can always talk to me.

Do you think this ID looks real

enough to get me into bars?

Whoa.

I thought we'd start with

"what are the best flip
-flops

to wear in the shower?"

So

"Antonio."

What's your birthday?

July 6, 2004.

You know that only makes you 19, right?

I don't plan to use it

until I'm in college.


(SCOFFS) God bless you,

you even break the law like a nerd.

No, rookie mistake here.

You made the address too complicated.

You're never gonna remember this.

57344 Greenwind, Apartment 304.

Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49502.


- This says Lansing.


- No, it doesn't.

You're good.


- Well, nice knowing you, Antonio.


- Hey.

I thought you were cool.

Me, too, bud. Me, too.

Condoms! Condoms!

Take a pamphlet, get a free condom.

So this school encourages

sexual debauchery.

Safe sexual debauchery.

You are an authority figure.

You should be setting a better

example for your students.

Actually, I'm a freshman.

Is it the glasses?

No, you just look old.

I'm Wendy.

Abishola.

I dropped out years ago

when the kids came along.

Now is my chance to

finally go after my dream.

Hmm.

I recently decided to become a doctor.

I am going to Johns Hopkins.

Well, ain't you fancy?

Yes. I am.

I can't imagine doing that at our age.

You are doing it.

Here, where I've got a

scholarship and childcare

to help with my youngest.

At a cutthroat school

like Johns Hopkins,

I'd pretty much be on my own.

Adversity creates pressure,

and pressure makes diamonds.

I don't need my soul crushed,

but if it works for you, that's great.

It does.

Can you take a pamphlet?

I get an extra point in biochem

if I pawn off the whole stack.

If you want a better grade,

you should study more.


(SIGHS)

Sure you don't want a condom?

Well, once again I'm leaving

without a degree, but this was fun.

I really enjoyed the library.

It smells like you were researching

in the pepperoni section.

It was Bob's idea!

If you want to get invited to parties,

we got to work on that, right there.

I am glad you two enjoyed the day.

BOB: What about you?

Did have fun picking

apart my alma mater?

Hmm. It's actually a lovely institution.

For idiots.

No, really.

So, you could see Dele here?

Of course not.

But I could possibly go

to a place like this.

If Johns Hopkins and all

the Ivy Leagues b*rned down.

I knew the campus would win you over.

Was it the quad? It was the quad.

I had a nice conversation

with a 40
-year
-old freshman.

And this is why we say:

"Go Jackrabbits!"


(HORN HONKS)

I hope this trip made you feel

more prepared for college.

Definitely.

If a place like this seems cool,

imagine what it's like

at a school that's actually good.

Mm
-hmm.

Et tu, Antonio?

Hello, Goodwin.

You will address me as

President Olayiwola.

I will stick with Goodwin.

Just so you know, I run the meetings,

and I sit at the end of the table.

And when lunch is brought in,

I get my sandwich first.

I am not here to step on your toes.

Bob has told me many

wonderful things about you.

I see.

You do not let feelings

cloud your decision
-making.


- That is true.


- I have heard

inspiring stories about

how you push the workers

to the brink of exhaustion.

You're too kind.

We Nigerians are not soft

when it comes to business.

That is how it should be.

It is

BOTH: all about the work.


(LAUGHTER)

I'm sure you agree this

place must be streamlined.

I have told Mr. Wheeler this.

Decisive action must be taken.

It is like you are reading my mind.

We must cut the dead weight.

I see.

Oh, let me know if you need anything!

My day is wide open!