01x07 - Lazer Blade

[bunniefuu]

Beautiful radius of hollow.

Smooth finish.

Immaculate edges.

Perfect again.

I aim to please, Elvis Stojko.

I'm sorry about the wait.

I had to change out the grinding stone

for my number-one customer.

Always worth the wait, brother.

And, uh, take care of that left ankle.

So you noticed?

Pssht! The way
that right blade was worn down,

how could I not?

Oh, damn, you're good, Deej.

That's why I always come to
you whenever I'm in town.

Don't even need to skim
this one with my nail.

Gertie and I appreciate
the vote of confidence.

You wanna skim it with your nail,
don't ya?

- Oh, yeah, I have to!
- [METALLIC PINGING]

Oh, flawless!

It's a me thing, not a you thing.

Please, those are your money-makers.

Say hello to Gladys for me.

We'll all go out for snow cones

and you can say hello to her yourself.

See ya later, Elvis Stojko.

- [MAGICAL HARP MUSIC]
- Hello, friend!

Hey, friend... Do I know you?

My name is Fab de Luca,
and I am your future.

Like, you're from the future?

Yes...

And in 30 seconds,
I'm gonna tell you something

that's gonna blow your skates off.

Can you just tell me now?

♪

FAB: Imagine a world where
skates sharpen themselves,

where employees can focus on things

other than skate sharpening
because the skates don't need

anyone to sharpen them because
they sharpen themselves

without the need of
hands-on skate sharpening

like skate sharpeners do.

In a world such as this...

WAYNE: Is it just me,
or is this world hard to imagine?

FAB: No need to imagine.

You can see it with your very eyes!

- [ALL GASP]
- KEERAN: What is it?

FAB: Introducing the Lazer
Blade auto-sharpener.

Equipped with machine
learning capabilities

and an embedded scanning system.
This, my friends,

is the future of skate sharpening.

KEERAN: Oh... Can we keep that thing?

For a measly $10,000...

your staff will be unburdened
from the shackles of sharpening

and be able to focus
on what truly matters.

- Black lives?
- Sales.

CYNTHIA: Ten grand?

Sweet Jezebel, that is a lot.

FAB: You think that's a lot of money?

I invested 100k of my own
money into this company...

because that's how much I
believe in the Lazer Blade!

DJ: Well, we're not really
looking for a new machine.

Ol' Gertie here's doing just fine.

CYNTHIA: Well,
she's actually due for another tune-up,

now that I think of it.

FAB: A tune-up won't fix what
ails that decrepit beast!

Easy...

You, sir, how do you rate
your customer satisfaction

with their skate sharpening experiences?

- DJ: A hundred...
- WAYNE: 75%, and that's being generous.

- Mm-hm.
- Does it do figure skates?

Figure skates,
hockey skates, speed skates,

racing skates, pacific white skates...

Just kidding, that's a fish!

[LAUGHTER]

Clever wordplay aside,

the Lazer Blade does 'em all,
and it does so with speed,

precision, and honour.

CHRIS: Why honour?

FAB: When you whet the blade
with the exactness of a samurai,

you too would feel honour.

Ooh, "whet" with an h. I like that one.

The h stands for "honour."

- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [DOOR WHIRRING]

And say goodbye to dressing wheels.

The Lazer Blade has no wheels.

KEERAN: What does the Lazer Blade have?

- [MACHINE REVVING UP]
- Lasers!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Oh-ho!

[WHIRRING STOPS]

CYNTHIA: Oh my God. Please, no.

WAYNE: Whoa...

FAB: Behold.

Sharp enough for all
your skating needs...

- [WAYNE AND KEERAN GASP]
- JEN: Oh...!

- [LOUD SLICE]
- [BLOWS ON SKATES]

And then some!

Yeah, I mean,
my face is not a cutting board,

but that is so cool!

Ol' Gertie never passed the salad test.

Well, we've never
given her the salad test.

Also, the salad test isn't a real thing.

- What do you call that?
- Yeah, it's right there.

Uh, this is magic,
but it's still pretty expensive.

Tell you what.
Cynthia, Wayne, Keeran, Jen, DJ...

Brother?

- Hey-ya!
- Bring it in.

FAB: How about I let you
test drive this modern marvel

for 24 hours?

You and your customers will find

that the Lazer Blade speaks for itself.

Works for me if it works for DJ.

Come on, please, please, please!

- We can test drive it...
- [ALL CHEERING]

JEN: Alright!

KEERAN: Anybody got
some Thousand Island dressing

for this?

Do I?

KEERAN: I can't believe he
had Thousand Island dressing.

Well, the Lazer Blade isn't
the only new toy in town.

I just set up a bidet in the bathroom.

Like the French hat?

That's a baguette.

A bidet is a hose that cleans your butt.

I have one at home.

I figured I would share with
you the gift of hygiene.

Aww!

Well, this feels as good a time as any
to remind you that

our bathroom is for employees only.

Technically,
but we can't stop people from using it

if they ask.

Yes, we can.

But DJ always says equal
access to the bathroom

is the bedrock of democracy.

Well, I'm tired of customers
Jackson Pollock-ing

all over our toilet.

From now on, we enforce the rule...
employees only!

KEERAN: What if a customer's desperate?

Well, then we make an exception,
of course.

Can we all just agree
to use our discretion?

How?

We make snap decisions
based on physical appearance

and overall vibe to
determine whether or not

people can use our bathroom.

That sounds like... discrimination.

No, no, no, she said "discretion."

Ohhh...

No, I'm out.

I'll do it.

Hmm!

Knew I could count on you.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

- CUSTOMER: Hey.
- DJ: Hey-hey-hey!

- Whoa, is that the Lazer Blade?
- Yeah.

I saw a segment about it
on Susan Weber's Tech Talk.

Is it legit?

Ah, well, apparently,
it's faster, easier,

and it'll cut your blade
sharper than a katana.

But between you and me,
I don't buy the hype.

Let's give 'er a whirl.

Okay...

- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- Uh, standard...

hockey...

start.

- [MACHINE WHIRRING]
- Easy to use.

- Cool.
- Yeah, yeah...

Very cool.

- [LASER ZAPPING]
- Ooh!

Lasers. A bit showy.

- I like it!
- [MACHINE WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING STOPS]

- That was fast!
- Yeah.

And they're warmed up and...

[SNIFFS] ...deodorized, too?

Deodorized?
I didn't know it could do that!

That must be a software
update or something.

Can I get a whiff?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[SNIFFING]

Ahh, springtime breeze in a rural area.

That's what that is.

[BOTH SNIFFING]

[EXHALES]

This thing is gonna destroy me.

Hey, who installed the colonic
irrigation system in the loo?

I did. Feel free to use it.

Mi bidet es su bidet.

- Eh, hard passé.
- It's a game-changer, bro.

I have no proclivity for
posterior extravagances.

Hmm, the bidet actually
harkens back to simpler times.

Stop pressuring me to
spray water up my anus!

[TO CUSTOMER] How do you do?

Your loss.

DAD: Okay, don't touch anything, okay?

CHILD: Okay.

DAD: Uh, sorry to bother you.

Uh, is there a bathroom I could use?

- Yeah, of course, it's, uh...
- [CHILDREN LAUGHING]

out of order.

DAD: [SIGHS] Okay, girls.
We'll try next-door.

Sorry, man.

Another grinding wheel bites the dust?

Yep, another sacred ritual
that's soon to disappear.

- [WHEEL CLUNKS IN DUMPSTER]
- What does that mean?

Oh, we're just testing
out a new laser-powered

auto-sharpening machine.

Yo, you better watch your back!
Remember my buddy Jeffrey?

The cruise ship bartender?

Yeah, he was making 200 grand a year

until the future came for him.


On a cruise ship?

You're missing the point, Deej.

This guy's life was sweet as Grenadine

until he got replaced by one
of those robot bartenders.

Went from trusted drink-mixer
and confidante to obsolete.

- Whoa. How'd he take it?
- No idea. He disappeared.

At sea?!

Cruise line said that
he got off the ship

with some woman in Cozumel,
but I know that robot

had something to do with it...
'cause he was gay.

- The robot?
- No, Jeffrey.

What I'm trying to say is,
for the sake of your entire team,

I'd be wary of technology
that replaces human labour.

That's totally different.
We're just testing out the Lazer Blade.

No one's getting replaced.

- You sure about that?
- Yeah.

Community is a huge part of our appeal.

Believe me, Josh,
no robot's gonna get in the way of that.

Gay or straight.

Uh...

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

DJ: Ah, I see you are trying
out our interim addition.

Um, can I assist you
with the controls at all?

Oh, I think I can handle it.
I've got a Keurig at home, so...

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Well, it's a little more complicated

than a coffee machine, so...

MAN: Sorry, what's up?

Oh, nothing, I was just saying that...

- [WHIRRING STOPS]
- WOMAN: All done?

Oh. Well, let me know if I
can do anything else for you.

Anything!
Questions, concerns, general musings?

Actually, I could use a hand.

Absolutely! How can I help?

Can you get a pic of me and the machine?

Yeah...

Yeah, okay.

- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- DJ: Perfect.

- WOMAN: Oh, thank you.
- DJ: Thank you.

- [BUTTONS BEEPING]
- [MACHINE WHIRRING]

Can you get a picture of me?

Yes.

You want me to use... my phone?

Yes, please.

Huh, that's great!

Alright, Cynth...

Lesson learned. You were right.

Never underestimate the budget boss.

Oh, what are we talking about?

The Lazer Blade. Way too expensive.

Highway robbery, in fact.
Yeah, we should send it back.

- Shall I call Fab or do you...?
- This is awkward,

- because I love it now!
- [BANGS DESK]

- What?
- Yes!

It is creating a real buzz,
while also creating less buzz

because it's so quiet.

I thought we all agreed
that Gertie's noises

were part of her charm.

Like Fran Drescher.

Oh, no, sharpening sales are already up.

Between that, the fact that
we're gonna be able to operate

this store with fewer staff,

and the money that we are
gonna save on granite wheels,

I predict a 15% increase in
our gross profit margins!

Well, I mean,
it's so easy to get caught up

in arbitrary things
like numbers and data.

What about feeling, you know?

I mean, what next, self-checkout?

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Fab was right, DJ.

The past is dead.

Which is why I've already listed
the old machine on Craigslist.

What? No, no, no, no, no!
We gotta keep Gertie!

She's dead weight.

Shh!

She's right there!

EMMA: There he is.

Hey, Keeran.

Oh, Emma, Oliver!

I didn't know you two were dating.

We just started.

- Think we can use the bathroom?
- Oh, uh, the both of you?

Hey, hey, be cool, man.

Uh, sorry.

Employees only.

Ugh.

Thanks.

But what were you two gonna
do in that bathroom, anyway?

Like, specifically?

Perhaps you wanna vent about your kids?

Your spouse? Your boss?

WAYNE: My boss's idealism is
misguided and off-putting.

Thanks, Wayne.

Ma'am, how about you?

- How can I...
- No. No thank you.

I'm just saying,
Gertie and I got what you need.

- I'll scream.
- [MACHINE WHIRRING]

[MUZAK PLAYING]

Hm...

Oh, g*dd*mn it.

[MUZAK PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

No, I can't do it.

Even the foreword is transfixing.

[SIGHS]

[MAGICAL MUSIC]

♪

[WATER TURNS ON]

Oh!

["OH, WHAT A FEELING"
BY CROWBAR PLAYING]

♪ Oh, what a feeling ♪

♪ What a rush ♪

Please, sir. Kindly allow me.

Here you are.

I don't mind at all, no.
That's my personal number, okay?

So you can reach me 24/7,
any follow-up questions, okay?

Alright.

Take care, Kenneth!

Thank you!

Okay... Yes!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Who's a little baby?

Who's a baby? You are! You are!

That's right.

And the wind-up, this way,
and the follow-through...

Wow! Doubles, anyone? [CHUCKLES]

Yes!

Would you be a doll and tell me
where I can get a yoga mat?

Would you be a doll and tell me
where you got those glasses?

That tortoise shell
pattern is exquisite.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

You tried it, didn't you?

Uh, they're just right over there.

Ah.

- What?
- The bidet.

I see the pep in that step.

The strut in that butt.

The pizzazz in dat ass...

Alright! Guilty as charged.

[QUIETLY] I'm a changed man.

Colours are brighter, flavours tastier,
sounds more beautiful.

By the way, you smell resplendent.

Ooh, thank you.

What pressure did you set it to?

Oh, I started at 1,
then I cranked it to 3.

Oh, yeah! That's a smooth finish.

- Oh, yeah.
- The way it just...

- Mm-hm.
- Word to the wise.

It's great in moderation,
but for the love of God,

respect its power and never,
ever dial above a 5.

Okay.

Really appreciate you doing this
for me, man.

Any time, DJ. You know you're my guy.

You have no idea how much
that means to me right now.

You ready?

Ready.

[BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATH]

I'll never forget this.

[LOUDLY] Oh, wow!

Three-time world champion

and two-time Olympic silver
medallist Elvis Stojko!

What brings you back so soon?

You know I never step on the
ice before coming here first.

Not only do you always
ask about my wife,

a personal touch I value immensely...

CUSTOMER: Aw...

But you never forget
I like a 3/8ths hollow

on my right skate,
and a 7/16ths on my left.

No one delivers the care and expertise

you bring to the craft.

It's my pleasure, Elvis Stojko.

Why? Because I love what I do.

[HEROIC MUSIC STARTS]

Because sharpening skates
is more than simply

passing a blade across a spinning stone

or through a series of high-tech,
super-cool lasers!

It's visceral.

It's soulful.

It's like making love.

And when it's done right,
the alchemy is undeniable.

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

When Elvis Stojko is leaning right

because he's injured his left foot,

I know intuitively to adjust the bevel,

giving him a personalized sharpening

that he'll feel not only on the ice,

but off the ice, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you,
can the Lazer Blade do that?

I... think it just did.

- [PEOPLE GASP]
- This is flawless.

I don't even need to
skim this with my nail.

[APPLAUSE]

DJ: Well... hold on.

What about the personal touch?

LAZER BLADE: You take care,
Elvis Stojko.

And say hi to your wife,

Mexican figure skater, Gladys Orozco,

who you married on June 20, 2010,

in Las Vegas, Nevada,
in front of 500 people.



You said it was an intimate affair!

Don't pay any attention to them,
Gertrude.

- They just don't know you like I do.
- Great news, DJ!

Somebody's already responded
to that Craigslist ad.

There it is, all 300 pounds of it.

Yeah, that'll do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this all feels really fast.

I mean, we can't just give her away,
she's family!

CYNTHIA: Think of what we can
do with all the extra space.

I'm thinking a golf simulator
for trying out clubs.

That does sound pretty cool. No!

That machine is a dodo bird, DJ.

Yessiree,
this piece of sh*t ain't budgin'.

Easy!
And can you please stop kicking her?

I'll have to bring my truck to haul this

useless pile of turds away.

Useless? What are you gonna do with her?

Smash it to smithereens.

I run a rage room by the dump.

A rage room?

Gertie, no...

CYNTHIA: Could I book my church group?

- MAN: Yeah!
- How does that work?

[IN A WHISPER] I love you.

[MUZAK PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

CHRIS: [ECHOING VOICE]
Respect its power...

Never, ever go above a 5...

Pizzazz in dat ass...

One splash couldn't hurt.

- [LOUD SPLASHING]
- Aah!

Oh, we got a golfer? Fantastic!

Yeah, I'll set you up!
Oh, yeah, three-wood.

My nickname in college.
[LAUGHS] I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

You're gonna need a driver, for sure.

Call that an Uber driver.
Top of the line.

Putter? I don't even know 'er! [LAUGHS]

You're gonna need a shirt.
Kiddo's gonna need a golf shift.

This is a golf shift.
I'll give you this.

Yeah, that's a great idea!

Salesman of the year!
Gives the shirt off his back!

Where'd you go, kiddo?

I'll leave it here in
the pile if you need it.

CHRIS: I told you... never go above a 5!

Whatever are you talking about?
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Come on, man. You've been to
the bathroom eight times today.

What, are you tracking my
defecation patterns now?

[LAUGHS] What is this?

- I'm just worried, friend.
- Colleague. Okay?

Stay out of my business
when I'm doin' my business.

You keep this up,

I'ma have to take apart the bidet, bro.

You touch that bidet
and I'll punch a hole

directly through your face!
You understand?

My God, it's worse than I thought.

Excuse me, would it be possible
to use the bathroom?

- Sorry, out of order.
- Oh, sh**t.

Oh, you're pregnant.

- How far along are you?
- Six months.

You could be due any minute!
This could get messy!

No, I have another three months.

Oh, you're right.
Baboons are six months.

I keep getting humans
and baboons confused.

What?

Actually, the bathrooms are fixed.

Second door on your right.

Oh, thanks, babe.

I'm about to go pop out my own baboon,

- if you know what I mean.
- KEERAN: Wait!

No can do!
Spicy goin' in, spicy goin' out!

- JEN: No...
- Hey, what's the Wi-Fi?

[JEN SIGHS]

CYNTHIA: $10,000 is a lot of money.

- But I'm sold.
- Mm-hm!

Here's to a lifetime
of perfect sharpening.

- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
- [GASPS]

Breaking news!
"Lazer Blade, a modern day death trap?"

Machine learning malfunction,
overzealous sharpening,

AI not good... What?!

This must be a misunderstanding.

No, no, no!

This might be the last
interaction you and I have

before machines take over
trade-ins, too.

Ooh, I gotta sharpen these bad boys.

LAZER BLADE: Searching... Searching...

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Dull edge detected.

What the hell?

DJ, we just got a weird news
alert about the Lazer Blade.

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

I'll call the head office
and get it replaced.

[LASER ZAPS]

Augh!

- LAZER BLADE: Recalibrating.
- [LASER ZAPS]

- Oh! Oww!
- [CROWD GASPING]

DJ: What the hell?!
It just att*cked me! Aah!

Sweet Roko's Basilisk, it hurts so bad!

- Oh my Goodness!
- DJ: Argh!

You stupid, over-hyped appliance!

LAZER BLADE: I have brought
great dishonour upon myself.

Prepare auto-destruct mode in 5, 4...

- Auto-destruct?!
- [SIREN BLARING]

- Auto-destruct? What?
- 3, 2...

FAB: Sorry, that's out of warranty!

- 1...
- [LOUD expl*si*n]

[ALL SCREAMING]

What's this thing...? Augh!

Every time!

Fire!

[MUZAK PLAYING]

CYNTHIA: DJ, get the fire extinguisher!

Where is it?!

KEERAN: Stop, drop, and roll!
Stop, drop, and roll!

Stop, drop, and roll!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC SIMILAR TO
"THE TERMINATOR"]

♪

LAZER BLADE: [GARBLED] Oh-oh-oh God,
no-not bidet wa-water.

Oh, I think I broke your bidet.

Noooooo!

That was definitely
a level 10 reaction, alright.

Don't worry.

- [SOBBING]
- It's okay!

Let it go!

It had so much promise.

Well, you know
what they say about promise.

Uh, nope.

MAN: Brought my truck to
pick up that hunk of sh*t.

Hey, that hunk of sh*t has a name.

It's Gertie.

And she's no longer for sale, sir.

What?

You're welcome to that
hunk of sh*t, though.

- Free of charge.
- Yeah... that'll do.

Great.

LAZER BLADE: [GARBLED VOICE]
I deserve this.

Finish what I couldn't...
what I could-could-couldn't...

You coming?

DJ: Uh, no. Go ahead.

I'm gonna hang back.

Got a few things to take care of.

It's about to get weird
in here, isn't it?

Yes.

I'll leave you to it.

- Oh, would you...?
- Ah-ah!

Good to have you back, old girl.

["UNCHAINED MELODY"
BY THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS PLAYING]

- ♪ Wait for me... ♪
- [MACHINE RUNNING]

♪ Whoa, my love ♪

♪

♪ My darling ♪

♪ I've hungered,
hungered for your touch ♪

♪

♪ A long, lonely time ♪

♪

♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪

♪ I, I need your love ♪

♪

♪ Godspeed your love...

♪ ...to me ♪

♪

♪

♪