Happy birthday, Khia!
Wait. Why are you already awake?!
Because you guys wake me up at
3:19 on my birthday every year
and it is terrifying.
So, I decided to skip the
heart att*ck this time.
How else are we supposed
to celebrate your birthday
down to the exact minute?
- Maybe you could just not.
- Absurd. It's a Pham fam tradition.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Ow. Ow.
Say "cheese".
Cheese.
Ah, good!
Can I go back to bed now?
Khia, the traditional
recounting of the birth
must occur at the exact
anniversary of said birth,
down to the second.
Fine, but I'm lying down.
Okay. Let me take you back 16 years.
I was eight days overdue.
I was cranky AF.
And your dad was at the grocery store
when I lost my mucous plug.
Oh, Mom!
How does the story get grosser
every time you tell it?!
Wait until you hear the part
about me pooping on the doctor.
Oh, it's true. She did.
And so did you, actually.
So, we were on our way to the hospital
and there was so much traffic.
Aw, hell yeah! Leo!
You wanna help me make some frosting?
Not now! I'm wrapping my present!
Wait a second! Does this mean
Your girl passed her test ♪
Your girl passed her test ♪
Oh, my God. It's going to be so amazing
when you're fully licensed.
She could do Costco runs!
Oh, and take Leo to swimming lessons.
Whatever, I will do your stupid errands.
Just gimmie the keys!
Whoa! Pump your brakes, Ricky Bobby.
Before I put you on the streets,
I gotta teach you about the streets.
Of Rockridge?
I'm not sure if you're aware,
but there's a very negative
stereotype out there about
Asian drivers.
Yes, you've mentioned it a few times.
I've spent my whole life trying
to prove those stereotypes wrong
and avoid all the r*cist crap
I saw my parents put up with,
especially on the road.
Okay, but your mom is
actually a bad driver.
Some bad drivers are Asian,
but not all Asians are bad drivers!
Hey, hey, hey!
Happy birthday, babe!
Hi!
Thank you, Sam!
Uh, whoa, excuse me.
Have you forgotten the
Phamily birthday gift rule?
No pressies until after cake.
Oh.
Okay. Dad, can we do a lesson today?
Rock and roll.
It felt right.
Yes! I'm going to go change.
Whoa, what are you doing?!
I'm just vetting Sam's gift.
I love you, but last year you
gave Leo a teeth whitening kit.
Okay, a birthday gift
is a very sacred thing
between giver and receiver.
Where is the little scamp anyway?
Supposed to be taking
him to a play place.
Yeah, about that, are you using our son
to try and meet cute
single parents or something?
What, I can't hang out with my
godson without ulterior motives?
You're not his godmother.
Not yet.
There was a time ♪
Now I'm so lost ♪
Some weather we're having.
Hm.
It's been grayer than usual.
You guys need anything else?
No, thank you, Cathy.
Your food tastes grayer than usual.
Okay! All right, Cathy,
Cathy. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let let's just talk
over here. Let's go.
Okay, you probably noticed
that Ramesh is having
a hard time with the Barb break up.
Yeah, everyone's noticed.
I'm trying to get him to talk,
but I know he won't feel
better until he talks it out.
People just have a hard time talking.
Like me trying to get you
to open up about your mom?
Let it go.
Us emotionally advanced find
indirect ways of
channelling our emotions.
Sports, road rage, mall walks.
Emotionally advanced or
emotionally repressed?
He's not just gonna say his
feelings like some chump.
Unless he doesn't know he's
talking about his feelings.
- I gotta go to my office. Grab something.
- No. No.
- I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
- No, no, no!
Do it somewhere else! No!
Woo! Let's go, baby!
It's happening so fast.
Whoa, now.
Hold up. What do you think you're doing?
Learning to drive.
Not without an EVI.
What?
Exterior visual inspection.
As we know, van diesel
sustained a mystery injury.
A good reminder of the hazards
you'll likely encounter on the road.
First step, you gotta
knock on the hood
to make sure there's no
cats hiding in the undercarriage.
Cats! That's why you do that!
Yeah, they like to curl
up there to stay warm
but if you start the car
Cat m*rder*r.
Oh, God.
Violent okay.
Cat check.
Check.
Next, we gotta make sure your
tail pipe is clear of bananas.
What?
Part
-time nun pulls out
a machine g*n from under
her robes and takes out a pirate ship!
And your parents let you watch this?
Only the first five
seasons. Then it gets dark.
Sam, hey.
Xavier, hi.
Okay, buddy. Have fun out there.
I'm good.
Winnie, do you remember
Sam from a couple weeks ago?
- And
- My darling son, Leo.
Aw, you can go play. Go.
Sam, I am so glad you could hang out.
There are not a lot of moms
our age in this industry.
It's just so nice that
we don't have to explain
everything to each other.
Yeah. Exactly.
Hey, I heard your firm just
landed that big telecom account.
- Congratulations!
- Yeah. Aw.
Telecom, am I right ?
What are you up to these days?
Um, just freelancing mostly.
And hanging out with this scamp.
That is so nice.
And you're how old?
Twelve. Skipped a few grades
'cause my IQ is off the charts.
They actually studied
me to make a new chart.
Oh, wow!
Your mom must be so proud.
Are you, Mother?
Mm! Mm
-hm. Mm
-hm.
Fasten your seatbelt, depress the brake,
press the button,
release the parking brake,
check your rear
-view
mirror, your side mirror,
check your blind spots, check
your rear
-view mirror again.
Then, and only then may you gradually
and slowly ease into the roadway.
Okay, but you're not going
to do the whole rigmarole
every single time you drive!
I do!
Well, what if you're trying
to escape a hoard of zombies?!
Camille, we've talked about this.
Those movies with fast
zombies aren't realistic.
We got time.
All I'm saying is that part
of driving is being flexible.
While also being
hypervigilant and alert!
The tiniest mistake and bam!
You're a bad Asian driver!
Yeah, because people are the worst,
but it's not her responsibility to make
r*cist jerks not be r*cist jerks!
But if you had the choice
between her dealing with that
and not dealing with that,
what would you choose?
That's not a choice we have!
That's the world we live in!
Anyways, since when is being
a good driver ever a bad thing?
Just tell me who I
should listen to, okay?
Okay.
- Okay.
- Um
How about this?
We'll both teach you
using our own approach
and see which one works.
Oh! Driving teacher battle.
It's on!
Time for some music.
That's
No! No music! That was a test!
You need access to all
your senses at all times!
I'll drive us to a lot
where you can practice!
Oh, my God.
Vehicles are weapons.
The power of life and
death is in your hands.
You're always one tiny mistakes
away from complete catastrophe.
Seatbelt, ignition,
brake, parking brake,
shift gears,
side view mirror, rear
-view mirror,
blind spots.
Um, and rear
-view.
All right.
Now take your foot off the
brake and give it a little gas.
Brake!
You're learning.
Next time just
- What do I do?!
- Just follow the steps
Seatbelt
She is learning to drive, you monster!
See? All drivers are nightmares!
They're all trying to k*ll you!
Okay, Dad. I
I need a change of
energy. Mom, you're up!
Just out.
And they just have the
most delicious macarons.
Oh, yeah. It's incredible.
Some of the best French
food I've ever had.
It can't be better than
that place in Paris.
Right, Mom?
Where did we have that
perfect café crème?
Ooh! You've been to France?
Oui.
Super! Quel était
ton café préféré ?
I have an identical twin brother.
I'm the good looking one.
Luca is his name.
Leo and Luca, that's us.
For real twins.
- Leo, what are you doing here?
- Jojo?
Who's this?
Um my mother!
That's not your
Blink twice if you
need me to call someone.
Cricket? Really?
Don't these games usually last days?
Yup! Five beautiful days
of yelling out our emotions.
Chris Hawthorne's last test
match before he retires.
This is going to be
a monumental occasion.
The most beloved
cricketer in recent memory.
He is beloved, but
everything's gotta come
to an end sooner or later, you know?
And it's important to talk
about those things when they do.
So, you do.
He plays with his whole heart.
If only everyone could say the same.
Tell me about it.
No, seriously though,
like, tell me about it.
Here comes the ball. It's a spin to
Oh, he hits it! He
flicks it over midwicket!
And it no! It's caught. Oh no!
How very disappointing.
Disappointing, indeed.
I mean he had all his
hopes and dreams for today.
All dashed away.
How does that make you feel?
'Cause I feel pretty bad.
It does make one think.
I, too, had hoped and dreamed
for a chocolate croissant.
Cathy, do you have one?
Coming up.
What a take indeed.
Thought you said this would work.
- Never said that.
- Well, it didn't.
Now, we just gotta get
in there and dig deep.
- No. No, we don't.
- Yup.
Oh, oh!
We can role
-play.
- No.
- Yes, yes.
Come on, Cathy. You gotta jump on board.
You gotta do this. It's
for Meshy. Meshy needs us.
- Fine.
- Yes!
But I'm not calling him "Meshy."
Okay, okay. Fine.
So, my approach is more intuitive.
You have to see yourself
as an extension of the car.
Person and machine, together as one.
How you feel?
Like I should stick to taking the bus.
I don't want you to be afraid.
I want you to be brave.
Like a fearless road warrior.
Ooh!
Oh, hell no. Okay.
- No.
- I've got this.
What? Dad! N
-No!
Hey! It's my daughter's
sixteenth birthday
and she's learning how to drive.
I'd like you to think
back to the first time
you did something, and how you'd feel
if someone was laughing at you.
I think both of y'all got some
work to do on your empathy!
Stupid skater boys!
Oh, my gosh. Launch me
into the core of the sun.
Okay, well, now that your
dad has had his moment,
- let's get out of here.
- Whoa!
I don't know.
No. You are a road warrior!
You're perpetrating a
hate crime, you dinks!
Oh! I don't know! You guys should drive!
Just believe! Road warrior!
I'm doing it! I'm dri I'm driving!
A little tighter on the
next turn, but great!
Now drive us home, birthday girl.
Yeah, so Leo's biological
parents are Camille and Andrew,
but recently we formed
a platonic throuple.
Wherein I take on parenting
duties on the weekends.
So, we get Leo and his
twin brother Luther
- Luca.
- Loofa.
to call me Mom,
because it avoids confusion and
-and
And then I get to feel involved.
Right, Leo?
I don't think she's buying it, Sam.
I mean, what even is a
mother anyway, you know?
It takes a village to raise a child,
and mothers can come in all forms.
Biological and otherwise.
I mean, have you seen pose?
Um, if you'll excuse me.
My actual daughter needs me.
What's a throuple?
Oh, it's okay. I'm I'm
getting the hang of this.
Honestly, I rule at this.
I should open my own driving school.
Yeah, we should.
Team effort.
Yeah, the me in team. Eh.
Brake! Brake! Brake!
Camille! This is your
fault and yours alone!
Oh, no. It's just a sign.
Just a sign?
It's shaped like a child
so you don't run over it!
You told me to turn tighter!
Oh she definitely did.
I didn't mean that tight,
and you, cut it out.
Hey, I'm just pointing out
who was in the front seat
when this happened.
- It's just
- Oh oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh!
Worst birthday ever!
Khia! You can't flee
the scene of an accident!
- It's so sad.
- He broke his foot.
- I'm writing a note.
- It's not even a useful sign
and I'll fix it. And I have. New sign.
You're so stubborn!
It's like it's your way or no way.
Do you even believe in me?
Cathy?
What?!
It seems like there's been
some misdirected anger.
When I'm in emotionally
stressful scenarios,
I find that role playing helps.
Well, I don't need help! I'm an island!
She said she's an island.
No, no, no! Hey! Let's just try it!
Let's just try it.
If you must know,
that was really about
My mom.
Great, that is great.
Ramesh, you mind playing her mom?
Oh, I really
Mom!
All my life I feel like I haven't
lived up to your expectations.
Like when I dropped out
of college and moved away.
Mom?
Ah, yes. Um
Well, I suppose that's simply
because I wanted the best
for your future.
Is that all you have
to say for yourself?
Um, and
I suppose I can be overbearing, but
I have a gentle heart,
and you leaving smashed
that into a million pieces.
I poured so much into this
relationship and you just left!
Well, I had to do what was good for me,
even if it was hard for you.
You didn't even give me
a chance to win you back!
You want me to be happy, right?
I yeah, of course.
I'm still sad about Barb.
I'm mad at my mom.
You see? Do you see?!
Doesn't it feel good for your
hearts to just talk about it?
You mad genius. You manipulated me.
For your own good, I'm sorry.
Okay, Ramesh,
do you wanna talk about Barb?
And Cathy, do you want to
talk about your mom?
Let's have a chat. Okay.
Seen any giant holes I can climb into?
It wasn't that bad.
Okay, maybe not the best
way to spend your birthday.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Thanks.
Remember when we use to
fantasize about being 16?
Driving cars, being free?
The fantasy was wrong.
I'm sorry.
My parents had my anxiety on 1000
and I can't close my eyes without seeing
that gingerbread m*ssacre.
They really freaked you out, huh?
No, I wasn't at first.
Then Dad said that the
car was a m*rder w*apon
and Mom was like, "you're a warrior!"
It was just intense!
Andrew and Camille intense?
I'm glad you're laughing,
but I'm not the one you
should be telling all this to.
And, you know, if you change your mind,
I'm at a school. It's so much better.
My dad tried teaching me
and we lasted all of three minutes.
Thanks.
I hope your birthday gets better.
I'm sorry about all the drama, kiddo.
I met Xavier last time we went bowling.
She's a lawyer I really
want to network with,
and so when she assumed you were my kid
I just kind of went with it.
Hm. The road to hell, am I right?
Tell me about it.
So, when she DM'd me about
meeting up again I thought
I couldn't let the opportunity get away.
And I should have explained
it, but then I felt weird
asking you to lie for me.
Next time ask.
I love lying.
Cool.
But I feel like I should tell
your parents that you said that.
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah.
Sam!
Oh, Xavier. Hi. I am so sorry. I
Text me next time you're near the office
and we'll grab a coffee.
Wh oh. Yeah. Okay. Great. Um
I was pretty sure you'd never
want to speak to me again.
You know, when I was starting out,
I used to try to schmooze with
lawyers at the health club.
Tore my Achilles pretending
I knew how to play squash.
I get your hustle.
It's hard out here.
Thank you.
Yeah. I'm always looking for people
who are willing to go the extra mile.
Maybe you'll be a lawyer someday.
How much money did you make
when you were a full time lawyer?
Oh, that's a rude question.
I know, but how much?
A lot, Leo.
Do you think the stars should be bigger?
Much bigger.
Okay, yeah. We're going
to have to start again.
Add more exclamation
marks. Okay, grab me the
- You're home!
- Be chill.
You're home.
Khia, I'm sorry.
I pushed too hard.
We pushed too hard.
I know that you didn't mean
to, but you two made everything
a million times worse,
and because of that,
I'm I've decided
I'm never driving again.
What?! No.
I scratched Van Diesel!
What?!
You said it was a mystery accident!
Yeah, why would you lie about that?
Because I didn't want to
play into the stereotype!
It was my first accident ever!
You ripped a side mirror off
going through a drive thru.
Didn't count. Those angles are busted.
And the bumper in the snow bank?
But everyone makes mistakes.
The important thing is
that you get back in the car
and you try again. Giving
up is never the answer.
Your dad is right, but
there's no rush either.
We'll be ready when you're ready.
Okay, well, when I am ready,
could you guys pitch in
to get me professional driving lessons?
Yeah, of course, we can swing that.
And because you totally
ruined my birthday,
can I open presents early?
Ooh, from Sam.
A tiny glass.
Oh, Khia, this is awkward,
but that's actually a sh*t glass.
Oh, she's messing with us.
Yeah. Dad, it says "day drunk" on it.
Thank you, Auntie Sam.
This is going away for
another three years.
Cake anyone?
- I'm so excited for you.
- Me too.
Mannix said that this was
the best driving school.
- Oh!
- Mannix?
Y'all are talking again?
I think so? Maybe?
I don't know.
Baby steps. Have fun, Khia.
Okay. Oh, don't wait up!
- Oh, man, he's Asian?!
- Andrew!
My bad.
I gotta unpack that later.
Hm.
Good!
Aw, we really traumatized her.
Yeah.
I blame my parents.
Oh, I blame you.
Yeah, that makes sense.