01x02 - Bathrooms/Project Partners

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And I'm...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Because in middle school, you never know

What's on the other side of that bathroom door--

Whether it's bullies...

[Screams]

The occasional haunting...

Or the fact that it's impossible to get any privacy.

Toot, toot, toot...

Unless, of course, you're timmy toot-toot.

It's enough to make you do something totally dumb

That you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Hey, bigby! Been in the girls bathroom lately? Heh heh heh!

"I'm ned bigby, and I like to use the girls room."

Ha ha ha!

I was ! It was kindergarten.

I just remembered that time you used the girls room.

I don't know what made me think of it.

I was ! It was kindergarten.

So you guys never use the bathrooms at school?

Never. You go before you leave home

And hold it until you get back.

How do you girls do it?

We don't go alone.

Girl: jennifer, I need a second

To go to the bathroom with me. Can you make it?

I'm in, because I'm not afraid to use the bathroom at school.

Ok, uh, I'm afraid now.

Ok, so we need some new survival tips for when you have to--

Blast the past?

Ride the river shiver?

The huge crew took over the bathroom.

Chandra didn't get to go,

And I didn't get a chance to read the hottie list.

Both: the what list?

The hottie list. Girls write down

The name of a guy they like, and others comment.

Like "he's cool," "a jerk," "good kisser."

Really.

What does it say about me?

[Girls laugh]

Um, nothing.

It's mostly for the popular guys,

Not you.

Fine.

Just put my name up there and tell me what they say.

No way. And I'm doing you a favor.

They don't always say nice things.

I'll come up with new bathroom tips

If you add my name to the hottie list.

Girl: move, mosley!

Deal.

[Boy yells]

If hallway bathrooms totally scare you like they scare me,

Follow these tips...

Take advantage of the school's other bathrooms.

Be the last one at gym to leave the locker room

And go when everyone else is gone.

In the terrifying case that you have to shout brown words or go for two,

Go to directly to the nurse's office.

There's always a super-clean private bathroom there.

Tell your nurse you have a stomachache,

And out of times, she'll say...

Do you have to go to the bathroom?

That's when you say, "yes!"

If you absolutely cannot avoid hallway bathrooms,

Always go during class.

It's easily your best sh*t at some privacy.

This is a bad idea.

It's good because I get to go to the bathroom,

But bad because you're going to get hurt.

It's a great idea.

Ned, voice-over: just go to the bathroom and enter the stall with the hottie list.

Now, just write "ned bigby, question mark"

With the black marker

And "hottie" with the red one

Like someone else wrote it.

You have to set the tone so others will follow.

[Sighs]

Crabgrass.

Mosley.

[Bell rings]

I forgot to go this morning.

You forgot to go this morning?

I can hold it.

Doubt it.

Are you sure you want to hear your hottie listings?

Yes!

"Ned bigby, hottie."

"Short." "Way short."

"Uses the girls room."

"Ask me in years when he's taller."

That's it? It's all they wrote?

That last one wasn't totally hurtful.

Jennifer: there was one other thing:

Somebody with lipstick kissed your name times.

What?

A girl put her lips to a dirty bathroom wall?

For me?

Ah, that is a sign of true love, my friend.

I got to know who kissed my name.

But how?

I know.

Get a swab of the lipstick,

And then compare it next to every girl who wears lipstick.

See ya!

Ned: all right.

Let's get to work.

♪ Hoo hoo hoo-o

♪ Hoo hoo hoo-o hoo hoo hoo ♪

♪ I got to know

♪ More about you

♪ I want to know more about you ♪

♪ I got to know more about you ♪

♪ Hoo hoo hoo-o

♪ Hoo hoo hoo-o hoo hoo hoo ♪

♪ Hoo hoo hoo-o hoo hoo hoo ♪

It's a match!

[Ding ding ding]

[Both slurp loudly]

Jennifer: so who's on the kiss list?

One match. Suzie crabgrass.

Hey, crabgrass went to the stall right after I left.

Could be her.

Oh! I think a little just leaked out.

Both: go to the nurse's office!

Cookie: oh, oh!

I have an upset stomach.

Do you have to use the bathroom?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Hmph. Well, you're gonna have to wait

'Cause danny craven's in there with the runs.

[From bathroom: pffffbbt]

Oh!

I can hold it.

Just got to keep my mind off it until I get home.

Man: ok, class. Who can tell me

The periodic element for pee?

Peeluminum?

There's no such thing.

Pee, pee?

Peetonium?doesn't exist.

Come on, class, concentrate on pee.

I want everyone to think hard about pee!

Pee, pee, pee, pee!

Monstrous! It's monstrous

Don't give me a hall pass!

I've got to pee!

Oh, oh!

[Toilet flushes]

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

[Bell rings]

Ok, now, just write I'd like to meet her after school.

What if isn't crabgrass who kissed your name?

What if it's a cruel prank by one of the popular girls?

You're gonna get hurt.

But what if it is crabgrass?

What if the huge crew is in there?

I'm alone. I could get hurt.

Yeah.

[High voice] ahem, taken.

Cookie?

Oh!

You got to get me out of here before someone sees me--

Hold that thought!

Ok, go ahead.

Or I'll be ruined like ned. Help!

Stay here.

A boy's future is at stake.

We can't let what happened to me--

And I was just --

Happen to that cyborg trapped in the girls room.

You know your missions.

Ned, voice-over: moze, you're the clogger.

It's a pressurized system,

So plug times and get out of there.

Lift your feet!

I'll be the trigger.

I walk into the water, then warn the nearest teacher.

Oh!

Dirty water!

Dirty water!

Dirty water!

Gordy! It's mr. Monroe. Come quick!

Ned, voice-over: and, gordy, you'll take care of the rest.

You're fast, really fast.

Yes, sir, I'm fast.

[Groans]

Stand back.

Let a professional handle this.

Uh, don't worry. I'll have the night guy clean that up later.

[Groans]

Stand back!

It might break free and att*ck.

[Groans]

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yes!

Ned, voice-over: so cookie made it out alive and unseen by anyone.

And later, I waited after school to meet my admirer.

[Exhales]

Hi, ned.

Lipstick...good color. Ha ha!

Really?

Oh, I borrowed it in the bathroom today.

You borrowed it? From who? Who?

The huge crew.

Hey, ned.

Wait!

I told him he was gonna get hurt.

Your first class project will be:

Mummification

And ancient egyptian burial rights.

I know, it's hard to contain yourselves.

One more fun thing, you get to choose

Your own project partners.

[Class cheering]

Project partners, the most important choice you make before marriage

And possibly more important

Because you're going to get graded.

But before you commit,

Get to know the types of project partners.

Do you, jennifer ann mosley,

Take this smart and squirrely kid to be your project partner?

Do you promise to let him do all the work and get an "a,"

But now he'll think you're best friends and cling to you like a lost puppy?

I don't.

Do you take this reliable friend to be your project partner,

To share the work evenly and maybe have a few laughs along the way?

Or do you take this total hottie who'll make you do all the work,

But you could stare at him all day?

I do.

I now pronounce you project partners.

[Applause]

You picked seth powers.

You're going to do all the work.

Wrong.

Plus he's a hottie.

If you wanted a hottie, why not pick doug secksay?

Boy: hey, doug!

Too hot. Can't get near him.

Ned: always pick the reliable friend partner,

Like me and cookie in life science.

He's reliable, trustworthy,

And great with the baby.

[Breathing hard] I lost the baby!

What do you mean you lost the baby?

One minute baby, then--

No baby. Baby gone.

Ok, mothers, calm down.

Try to remember the last place you had it.

You get jennifer mosley to be my project partner

For the egypt thing,

And you'll get your baby back.

Oh!

Ned and moze: how could you not remember that?

I repressed it. It was traumatic.

It's a very normal response.

Why would loomer want to be partners with me?

He said you were a hottie.

Ned: wait a minute!

We'll get the baby back as soon as moze tells loomer

She'll agree to be his partner.

What's plan "b"?

We need the baby for seventh period.

What would loomer do with a doll?

[Screams]

"Make mosley my partner or you'll never see baby again.

Bonus: I b*at you up at : on friday."

Great, monroe is going to bust us for losing the baby

And we're going to die.

[Sniffling]are you crying?

I was just thinking of all the special times we had...

With the baby.

[Baby burps]

Come on!

Girl's voice: hi, seth!

Um, so, I thought we could build a sarcophagus,

But put a mummy inside, don't tell anyone, and then--

You're not done with it yet?

We're supposed to work on it together.

[Sighs] and your point is...

[Lullaby playing]

Monroe: guys!

Where's your baby?

Shh! She was up all night with a fever.

She's caught a chill.

[Whispering] except on her leg.

Hmm.

Ah, don't!

Germs.

Wow! The intensity of your parenting is not only very impressive,

But it's also a little scary.

Ok, class,

Monday, I'm going to give the babies a full exam,

And I'm going to base the bulk of the first quarter grade on it.

Won't that be fun!

Ok, put your babies down.

Ok, young people,

It has come to my attention

That you're having some project partner problems.

He doesn't do anything.

He just lies around study hall all day

And doesn't listen or care.

All she does is nag.

"We have to pick a topic.

The project is due on friday."

Blah-blah-blah.

The project is due on friday,

And you do have to pick a topic.

She won't even listen to what I want to do the project on.

Ok, now we have room for compromise.

What would you like to do the project on?

Ancient egyptian...

Basketball. Huh? Uh-huh!

Basketball was invented in by dr. James naismith.

[Sighs] fine. Take her side.

See what I'm dealing with?

Seth: what do you mean? You never listen.

[Both arguing at once]

[Bell rings]

This baby class,

If we have no baby, we'll get an "f."

And worse than that, it means we're not very good parents.

I don't know. Usually something hits me.

Oh!ow!

"You get your baby back piece by piece until jennifer is my partner."

Now what do we do?

Nothing.

Don't you see?

Loomer is going to keep sending us baby parts.

If we hold out long enough,

We'll have the whole thing.

[Rock music playing]

[Bell rings]

Once loomer gives us the head on monday,

We'll have it all.

Loomer's so dumb.

Oh, guys! I'm glad I caught you.

I have a teacher's conference monday,

So the baby inspection will be today.

Won't that be fun!

Aah!

Oh, I mean, ah, ha ha!

It will be fun. Ha ha!

Yeah. Yeah.

[Both screaming]

[Girls giggling]

Boy: hey, doug!

No loomer is my partner.

I think seth really feels committed to my mummy idea now.

Both: please!

We're going to fail if we show up with baby no-head.

[Cries]

You know crying doesn't work on me.

Fine. Right, I forgot.

Jennifer ann mosley, claire sawyer, future lawyer.

Claire, I've known you since pre-k.

I represent seth powers.

Seth claims irreconcilable differences

In your project partnership

And is seeking a divorce.

He's leaving me? For who?

Claire: martin qwerly.

His project was already done,

And he let seth put his name on it.

You are now free to pursue other partners.

But chances of finding one this late

Are zero and none. Good day.

Ned, voice-over: chances are you'll never have to do

A project partner for a doll head exchange,

But if you do, make sure the terms are clear.

Do you guys have hall passes?

Ok, great.

Show me the head.

Show me my project partner.

Only if you agree to do everything I tell you.

Be a good baby head.

Uncle billy's gonna miss you.

Yes, he is.

Ned: come on!

The project's due seventh period.

We've got a lot of work to do.

I'll see you : for your b*ating.

But no, but you--

You didn't make it part of the deal. Ha ha ha!

This is why you should always use a lawyer.

Well, at least we'll ace this class.

Oh! Are these teeth marks?

Oh, that's when ned bit it when it was in the sandwich--

Oh!

A baby sandwich!

Ned: so, thanks to us, moze got a perfect partner:

Cooperative and completely committed to the project.

...preserved in sarcophagi such as this.

Some people believe they never actually d*ed.

Raah!

Teacher: people, don't panic.

Run!

Raah!

Teacher: save yourselves!

Save yourselves!

We got an "a."

Why do you look so bad?

We got a "c."

And now we have to attend alternative family counseling.

Mummy: raah! Mmph. Mmph.

And now loomer's going to k*ll us!

Whoa! Mummy!

Protect the women!

Mmph.

I'm loomer. I'm a mummy.

Don't worry.

He's well padded.

So, remember, when it comes to project partnerships,

It's all about teamwork.

Wait up!

Teacher: ned, run!