01x03 - Teachers/Detention

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.



So, what do you think? Ha ha.

I think it's a paper airplane.

It's not a paper airplane, it's the paper airplane.

I designed and built this baby all by myself.

The slightest breeze will take her flying.

You have way too much time on your hands.

Uh, you'd better not throw that.

You don't think you can sneak a dangerous projectile

Past me, do you?

Now, hand it over.

That's detention for you, mr. Cook.

It wasn't me! I didn't do it!

Did you see her go? Detention?

No! Bad kids go to detention!

I'm a good kid!

Of course you are. I'll see you at :, mr. Cook.

Come on, mr. Sweeney.

He didn't throw the paper airplane.

The wind came by. It was an accident.

Well, if you're so worried about your friend,

You can join him in detention.

What? Friend? I don't even know him. I just met him.

Who are you?

This isn't fair. Ned didn't do anything wrong,

And neither did cookie.

That's enough, miss mosley.

One more word out of you,

And it's detention for you, too.

One more word.

[Sighs]

Word.

Detention! [Echoes]

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

Detention.

Knock-knock.

Yeah, knock-knock.

Who's there?

Are you making fun of me?

Yeah, are you making fun of him?

Get lost!

We got detention.

And we were just wondering, what's it like?

It's a bad place, jennifer.

A very bad place.

Why?

One word: eighth graders.

[Boy screaming indistinctly]

It looks ned bigby's going to be dead bigby.

Boy: yeah, dead bigby.

I hope things work out for you, jennifer.

Don't worry.

Loomer was just playing with us.

How bad could detention be?

Coconut head. What happened?

Detention. Yesterday.

Dirga the gym teacher.

All this trouble over a dopey little paper airplane

That couldn't even hurt a fly.

Remember, people,

This is your baby,

And you need to--

Love--it.

Yah!

Hey, you paper devil, come on!

Come--

Bring it on!

Treat it with love and--

Class dismissed.

Be patient. He'll call you tomorrow.

Don't you even think about doing that. Get out of here.

Honey, you got detention.

What do you see, lunch lady?

Desperation and aviation.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know. It's in the peas. Get out of here.

You don't look so good.

I'm a mess. I can't eat. I can't sleep.

You can't sleep?

I've been wide awake in every class.

What about you?

I'm fine. How's cookie doing?

I bet he's a wreck.

♪ Still got them blocks movin'

♪ And the system in my truck

♪ That can make it feel what's up?

♪ Like the block's movin'

♪ My -'s with the wheels you.

♪ And the shocks movin' what's up, man?

What's up?...♪ ...with the shields and the...movin ♪

♪ Can't deny it, I'm the same old g ♪

'Sup?

Ned, moze, you are looking at

Polk's number-one bad boy.

Ow!

Do you know who you're dealing with?

Ok, ok.

Ever since I got detention,

My cool rating is through the roof. Ha ha.

I've been telling everybody what happened.

They're impressed that you got a detention

For throwing a paper airplane?

It sounds like a pretty lame story to me.

Depends how you tell it.

Excuse me. Cookie, can I have your autograph?

Is it true that you hang-glided into school today,

Landed on sweeney, and crushed him?

My lawyer said I can't talk about it.

This is so awesome.

All over a little plane that couldn't hurt a fly. [Laughs]

Catch you later.

Incoming.

Next!

That guy looks like a psycho.

How are we going to deal with a psycho?

Takes a psycho to deal with a psycho.

Detention. No need to panic.

You got to be strong, like oak,

And pliable, like bamboo.

Soon as you get in, find the leader, face him down.

Ok.

Show no fear. On the inside,

Only the strong survive.

And remember.

It's better to be feared than loved.

So we got to be strong like oak.

Not "we," chipmunk. She's oak.

You're more like kindling.

So, listen. Stick close to the teacher,

And wear that.

That's oak.

Whoa!

All right, everyone, put in your ear plugs.

I'll be screaming at the top of my lungs

Until school's over.

[School bell rings]

I'm oak.

I'm not.

And I'm a bad man.

You in charge here?

Well, um--

Not anymore. Ever seen scared wood?

I'd rather be feared than loved,

And vice versa.

Piece of cake.

[Whistling]

Oh, hey, guys. What a nice surprise.

[Gasps] are you all joining the sewing club?

All: sewing club?

This isn't detention?

Mr. Monroe: detention? No.

That bad place is next door.

I thought this was detention, too.

Yeah, that's right.

Hmph. There goes the best cross-stitcher in this school.

I need a victim. Where's coconut head?

Mosley. You'll do. Double time.

I'm oak. I'm oak.

♪ I can do it like that, ...like that... ♪

Uh. It's cool. He's with me.

I'm cookie. I do what it want,

When I want,

And I just don't care.

What are you in for?

Got busted for throwing a paper airplane.

Whoosh.

Oh! Good thing those are clip-on.

Oh! Oh! I--i didn't even do it.

Um, the wind came and...whoosh!

Plane fly. [Whimpering]

Mr. Sweeney: bigby! Cook! Sit down.

[Whimpering]

[Door closes] I don't want to hear a sound

For minutes.

I didn't know this room existed.

I know. It's detention-y.

[Fists hitting palms]

I'm sorry, what?

[No audio]

Could you repeat that?

My fists--

Quiet!

[Whimpers] ok. Tips for detention.

Both: ok.

[No audio]

Minutes to freedom.

I'm going to make a phone call.

Don't let me hear a sound.

Don't go!

Why not?

I have a question. A science question.

Oh. All right.

What is science?

Uh, let me begin my answer

With an equation, mr. Bigby.

Does that answer your question, mr. Bigby?

Yeah. Thank you.

Now, I'll be right back.

No noise.

Now you two, get back where you belong!

And I don't want to hear another peep out of you.

More seconds and we would've lived.

Aah!

Didn't I tell you that was the best paper airplane ever?

Aah--uhh! Uhh--uhh!

That's another day for you, young man.

Detention's over.

[Both breathing heavily]

We survived!

But what about-- moze?

[Ahchoo]

I'm fine. Dirga had me clean erasers the whole time.

I'm oak. How'd you guys make out?

Let's just say cookie took care of them.

Told you I was bad.

So when it comes to detention,

The best tip is try not to get detention.

[Cat meows]

[Tires screech, crash, siren wails]

Now, we are in the city of bratislava,

And we want to buy some delicious haluski,

Which we pay for with...

Teachers. They come in all shapes,

Sizes, and attitudes.

And the more you know about the different types of teachers,

The easier it'll be to survive them.

Come on, now.

Raise your hand. Anybody.

If you have the questioning teacher,

Don't be afraid to raise your hand.

Even if you get it wrong, they'll love you for trying,

And then give you the answer.

Is it the ruble?

Thank you, ned.

Nice try, but no, the answer is koruna.

[Yawns]

If you have a boring, can the clock tick any slower? Teacher,

Always have something handy that can keep

You and the class awake.

[Blows horn]

Ned: if you have a distracting teacher...

As in, something about them makes it hard to concentrate...

Just keep your eyes on your notebook.

It'll keep your mind on your work, where it belongs.

And then there's the "evil teacher

Whose goal is to destroy you" teacher.

Mr. Bigby.

Looking forward to seeing you today.

[Laughs]

And as soon as I figure out how to survive that kind,

I'll let you know.

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

Hey, buddy, old pal of mine.

What are you so happy about?

I've got the lovely ms. Morrison next.

She's so great, I actually have fun in math.

What? Not all teachers are evil,

Just sweeney.

What a beautiful morning.

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping,

And I don't have sweeney.

I know I'll be sorry I asked,

But why are you so dressed up?

Just my favorite class of the day.

Foreign languages, taught by the lovely miss enstile.

[Camera clicking]

Man, I love this school.

Mr. Bigby.

Can't you even pretend to be interested?

How's this?

How's this? Yesterday's quiz.

Perhaps you should change your last name

From "bigby" to "big 'f.'"

[Class speaking spanish]

Class, I have some exciting news for you today.

Ooh, are we going to learn about the pythagorean theorem?

No. We have a new student teacher, mr. Dren,

And he's going to be taking over the class

Over the next few weeks. Bye.

Yeah.

So you're a student teacher.

That's right.

So you're, like, a student like us.

Uh, yes. I guess I am like you,

And I'm sure I'll like you, too.

Can you believe this?

I know. This is the worst

Paper airplane design I've ever seen.

Look at me! I'm a mess!

We got a new student teacher.

Oof. You got caught in the crossfire?

Yeah. And math is my favorite subject.

No, wood shop is, but math is definitely up there.

And now I'm not going to learn a thing.

This new guy's like a helpless puppy,

And no one seems to care about him, or math,

Or my shirt.

And you guys aren't listening anymore, are you?

Oh, we stopped after you're not going to learn a thing,

And we've got big problems of our own.

Ouch. What's with the fs?

Sweeney has it in for me.

Miss enstile smells good.

These fs have got to stop.

I'm a cyborg. Failure is not an option.

All: we need tips.

Cookie, for you, it's simple.

Focus on your notebook,

Not miss enstile.

Only look up when it's absolutely necessary.

What about me?

Ask a question on ms. Morrison's last lesson.

This will give the new guy a place to start.

What are you going to do?

Something I said I would never do

In my entire life.

It's time to become teacher's pet.

[Gasps]

You'll be marked for life!

Teacher's pet is hated by the whole class!

I feel dirty just standing next to you.

Before we start today's quiz,

Are there any questions?

Yes?

I just want to say I'm really looking forward to today's quiz,

And have you lost some weight?

Very good, mr. Bigby, and yes, I have lost a few pounds.

Don't look up. Don't look up.

Beauty. Too. It's too--

[Alarm buzzing]

Heh heh. Heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Is it hot in here, or is it me?

Mr. Dren: heh heh.

Aah! Oh, my eyes!

[Boy sobbing]

I have a question about the last lesson.

Could we go over it?

[Indistinct chatter]

Never mind.

[Alarm buzzing and beeping]

Here are the results of yesterday's quiz.

Yeah! I love quizzes,

And yesterday's was one of my all-time favorites.

Good. Then you can add this "f"

To your coveted quiz collection.

Mr. Dren, ms. Morrison was

Just about to teach us

The pythagorean theorem.

Could you pick up where she left off?

All: teacher's pet. Teacher's pet!

Teacher's pet!

I am not a teacher's pet!

Girl: she's right.

She's a student teacher's pet.

All: student teacher's pet! Student teacher's pet!

Boy: ha ha ha!

The tips aren't working.

I'm still failing, and losing precious bodily fluids.

This totally reeks.

I hope moze is doing better.

I don't think so.that would be a "no."

Now I'm not learning anything.

And I'm teacher's pet.

I can feel myself getting dumber.

What are you going to do about it?

What are you looking at me for?

You get better grades than me.

You're a cyborg.

I'm the failure.

You guys are going to have to

Handle this one on your own.

Yeah, I guess we could.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. I've tried everything

To get on sweeney's good side:

Compliments, beverages, dressing like him.

Have you tried just doing the work?

Do the work?

Do the work!

Use these to create a proper complex molecule.

Not a snowman.

I know it doesn't feel like it,

But teachers are people, too.

And if you do the work, or at least try in class,

You'll be amazed at how much your grades sh**t up.

In some cases, transfer might be a last resort.

And even though it's the teacher's job to help us,

It doesn't make you the teacher's pet

If you help them once in a while.

Mr. Dren, I thought I could help you with today's lesson.

If you don't like the way I teach,

Perhaps you'd like to take it up with the vice principal.

But I was just--

That's enough.

Report to the office immediately!

The rest of you, read chapter

While I make sure jennifer isn't simply expelled

Without being properly punished first!

It worked.

I knew you were faking it,

And I was still scared.

On monday, it's the pythagorean theorem.

Finished it.

The thing about teachers is,

It's their job to teach us,

Which means if we fail, they fail,

Which also means they hate giving out bad grades

As much as we hate getting them.

Bigby.

Yes?

Big "b."

I'm not sure, but I think that was a smile.

Oh, and if you're wondering about cookie?

He still can't stop staring in his language class.

Try to imagine yourself in old-time czechoslovakia,

In a, perhaps, a balaclava. I love balaclava.

[Chuckles]