01x06 - Sick Days/Spelling Bees

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.



It's flu season at polk middle school,

So this is a good time to get to know

The different types of sick days.

Type one: when you're really sick.

[Thermometer beeps].

Influenza. In bed.

I'm calling your mom. Hmm.

Ned: which means you should probably go home and get some rest.

Ok, jennifer, we're ready for your speech.

Ned: then there's sick day type ,

When you fake it to get out of a test

Or other painful school activity,

Which means you better have some serious fake symptoms, if you want to go home.

May I go to the nurse?

[Coughs]

I think I have the flu.

I think you don't want to make a speech presentation,

And you're faking it. Ha ha.

Better luck next time.

[Sighs]

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

You told her you have the flu?

So now I have to make that speech today.

How do I get sent home sick before sixth period?

You hate public speaking that much?

What are the words I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah. It freaks me out.

All sweaty and nervous and blecch.

For hunsucker to send you home,

You need real symptoms.

You have to have a fever. You have to blow chunks.

You have to look like you're about to die.

[Coughing]

Like that.

[Coughing]

You are so lucky.

Hunsucker will totally send you home right away.

Home? I've never missed a day of school in my life.

I'll go home if they pry my perfect attendance record

From my cold, dead fingers.

If he makes it another days,

He'll set a state record.

[Coughing]

Good luck.

What's with the--

[Sneezes]

Stops the spread of germs.

I don't want others sick.

Hey, homeroomies, big news for my life science class.

My friend mat hoffman,

The greatest rider in vert ramp bmx history,

Is going to be here seventh period

To teach us about extreme baby vert safety tips.

That'll be fun! Ow! [Crash]

Mat hoffman?

I'm going to meet mat hoffman!

Yo, ned. How about we skip class, go have some fun?

Whoo!yeah, yeah!

How about some lunch, man? Hold on.

[Inaudible]

[Both laugh]

Hey, mat. I'm ned.

Mat? Ned.

Mat, have you met my good friend cookie?

[Ah-choo]

Up high with that one.

Whoa. No way.

I never thought I'd say this,

But I don't want anything to happen

That might get me sent home early.

I am not going to miss meeting mat.

P.a.: Attention, students. The flu has been declared an epidemic.

Anyone with real flu symptoms will be sent home instantly

By nurse hunsucker.

I got to stay healthy to meet mat.

Oh, no. My perfect attendance record.

Got to stay away from hunsucker.

I've got to catch the flu.

Cough on me. Now.

No way. As a certified computer genius,

I'm opposed to spreading viruses of any kind.

Freeze, backpack boy.

.. The flu. I'm calling your mom.

[Thermometer beeps]

Looks like you have a slight fever.

What? No! I don't want to go home!

Oh, relax. I don't send anyone home

Unless it hits ,

But this strain of flu's got

A -hour incubation period. Ha.

I'll be back.

What about my ear?

Oh, you look fine.

Where's cook?

If you ever do get sick in school

And have to go home,

Don't forget this super-important tip.

Avoid falling behind in class

And get a classmate to make copies of the notes

From any days you miss.

But make sure that person takes good notes.

Or better yet, get someone to videotape the class.

Thanks, ned. [Coughs]

[Boys coughing and sneezing]

♪ Whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

[Sneezing][coughing

Back. Back![Ah-choo]

I'm only / of a degree from being sent home!

Come here. I want to go home.

Uhh!

[Kiss]

Ha ha ha ha.

You must really hate public speaking.

Terror drives a woman to extremes.

I think I'm getting a fever.

You're turning into one of them.

Stay away from me!

I got to stay healthy to meet mat! Oh...

[Coughing]

No! Get away!

[Coughing]

Ned: no!

Back! Back!

Ned: uhh! Uhh!

[Student sneezes]

[Blows nose]

[Sneezes]

Wow. We have so much in common,

How we blew our noses at the same time.

Isn't that funny?

I guess.

I'm hiding from the nurse.

Why?

I don't want to get sent home.

We should do this again sometime.

[Coughing]

[Slurping]

[Coughing]

[Both coughing]

Gordy, open up.

Gordy, I can see you.

Are you healthy? This flu is nasty.

Kids are throwing up like crazy.

Shouldn't you be cleaning it up?

I'll let the night guy get it.

Gordy, I am /ths of a degree from being sent home.

I need something to keep me germ-free

For the rest of the day until seventh period.

Are you claustrophobic.

Perfect! No germs in there.

It's vacuum-sealed.

Why do you have this?

I used to have a hamster.

This big?

Yeah. Now, whatever you do,

Don't get caught in the sunlight.

It gets really hot in there,

Which is sort of how I lost the hamster.

Ok. Go get 'em.

♪ I'll find another way

♪ To make you want to stay

♪ Even though you didn't expect me to ♪

♪ And now another year and I'm in fifth gear ♪

♪ An a*t*matic...

[Bell rings]

[Coughing]

[Bell rings]

Ha ha ha.

Watch out!

[Bell rings]

♪ To make you want to stay

♪ Even though you didn't expect me to ♪

[Bell rings]

Hey, wait. Where are you going?

A little help here!

[Coughing]

Freeze, mr. Cook.

Don't make any sudden moves.

This'll feel cold, but she always checks the right ear.

You can thank me later. Now, go.

Hey, you look much better.

Huh.

[Thermometer beeps]

And your temperature's perfect.

So is my attendance record.

Mat hoffman! Mat hoffman!

Somebody help me! I got to meet mat!

Uhh...

Nice try, mosley, but you're healthy.

Go back to class. Make a speech. [Groans]

I got to get to class!

Meet mat hoffman!

[Thermometer beeps]..

In my office, bigby.

No! You're going--

No!

Ned, voice-over: so I didn't get to meet mat.

Mat hoffman!

Even though I didn't get sick.

But moze made a great speech, and it was easy.

That is hammurabi's code.

Ned: because everyone else in her class did get sick.

And hunsucker sent our whole life science class home, too,

Except cookie,

Who not only kept his perfect attendance intact,

But also got to live my dream.

Hey, cookie. I'm mat hoffman.

Ready for some extreme baby tips?

Let's go.

Hoffman: oh, yeah!

Yeah!

[Inaudible]

I wish I'd met mat hoffman

To give him the most important flu tip.

Hoffman: [ah-choo] [crash]

Stay away from cookie during flu season.

The spelling bee:

A nerve-racking combination of public speaking,

Public humiliation, and public spelling.

Cookie should have won it last year, but he choked big-time,

On an easy word.

Man: if cookie spells it right, he's the champ.

Easy:

E...a...z...

[Buzzer]nooo!

And the k*ller bees won again.

Well, it's not happening this year.

I'm going all the way!

I'm the sultan of spell, the wizard of words,

And no one's gonna b*at me,

Especially not the...

[Buzzing]

Aah! The k*ller bees!

Boy: oh, you will lose.

Yes, and once again, we will be victorious.

V-i-c-t-o-r-i-o-u-s.

Victorious! Victorious!

And you will choke, cookie.

Just like last year. C-h-o-k-e.

In unison: choke! Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, yeah.

Yeah? We'll see who's laughing after the spelling bee

When cookie kicks your butts!

Right, cookie?

Cookie?

Man! Never seen anyone study this hard for a spelling bee.

Because it's the seventh grade spelling bee,

Which means the first student to misspell a word

Becomes official word reader

And has to sit next to the moderator--

Mr. Gross.

On a stink scale, he's a perfect .

What are we worried about?

What are the odds of us getting low numbers?

! [Crying]

?!

[Muffled shouting]

And you are... Speller number !

I got to study more!i got to study more!

Susan...the p-r-i-s-s:

Priss!

[Buzzing]

Can you spell a word as long as j-o-c-k,

Jock?

Ready to c-h-o-k-e again, cookie?

He's better than any of you.

But is he better than all of us?

Yeah, the k*ller bees stand together.

If one of us wins, we all win.

So if one of you loses, you all lose.

No--to b*at one of us,

You must b*at us all.

I still don't get it.

Don't upset them. They'll spell at us again.

We will be victorious.

Isle: i-s-l-e.

I'll: i-'-l-l.

Aisle: a-i-s-l-e.

Stop it! You're tearing me apart!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[Sighs] [sighs]

Wait. Why is everyone looking at me?

We hate those k*ller bees.

Take them down this year, cookie!

Every kid in this school wants to see the k*ller bees get b*at.

You're the only one who can do it.

But I always choke on the last word, when it really counts.

Don't choke. Hear me? Don't choke.

Ned...tips!

If you tend to get nervous in pressure situations,

Are afraid of getting b*at by spelling bullies,

Or sitting next to a gross teacher,

Check out these tips.

Come on! My grandma's better than you!

To avoid choking, you need confidence,

And the best way to build confidence is practice.

C-l-e-v-e-r! Clumsy: c-l-u-m-s-y!

Close...

It also helps to prepare for distractions.

Coherent: c-o-h...

And choking can be caused by stage fright.

An old but effective trick to b*at stage fright

Is imagine the audience in their underwear,

So they look less scary.

I can't do my underwear thing.

Just do it!

I tried it last year.

I couldn't make my brain do it,

And I imagined myself in underwear instead.

And that made me even more nervous,

And that's when I choked!

It's not gonna happen this year.

The sultan of spell will b*at the bees.

You're gonna win.

I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna win!

[Chanting] cookie! Cookie!

Hello, everybody, and welcome

To the james k. Polk middle school spelling bee.

The big question: will one of the k*ller bees

Be victorious again?

Gault: and everybody wants to b*at those

B-a-d k*ller bees.

Almost as much as nobody wants to be the first misspeller

And sit with mr. Gross.

First speller up: ned bigby.

The first word is...

Cat.

Cat?

C-a-t, cat.

[Bell dings]

[Applause]

Don't worry. The first words are easy.

Ok.

You can do this!

The next word is...

Flouxenmousenehepilification!

You've got to be kidding me!

I'll hand you the words, and then you read them

Clearly into the microphone.

Ohh. Ohh.

[Sobbing]

Gordy, I've got a mess for you to clean up.

Uhh, I'll let the night guy get that.

You're a janitor! You're supposed to clean dirty things!

Please!

Ok, I'll help you out.

...e-u-m, succedaneum.

[Ding]

...a-t-o-r, exfoliator.

[Ding]

Corn. C-o-r-n, corn.

[Ding]

Kamikaze.

Can you repeat it?

Kamikaze.

Can you spell it?

[Buzzer]

C-o-w, cow.[Ding]

Sesquipedalian.

[Buzzer]

[Buzzer]

Elegiacal.[Ding]

Logorrhea.[Ding]

Rat. R-a-t, rat.

[Ding]

Chiaroscurist.

[Buzzer][crying]

After intense competition and some intense cleaning,

Only spellers remain.

One of them is ned bigby, who put together

An incredible string of easy words.

Yeah: corn, toy, dog. Wow.

But can he keep it u-p, up?

I'm sure he appreciates just how lucky he is

To still be in it

And won't let it go to his head.

I'm a great speller. Think I could b*at the bees myself this year.

Honorificabilitudinatadibus.

[Buzzer]

It's all up to you, my friend.

Aah!

Only two spellers remain.

And nobody in school wants to see a k*ller bee victory.

You can feel the pressure on cookie to win it.

Cookie! Cookie!cookie! Cookie!

Engastrimyth.

Engastrimyth.

I-n...

[Buzzer]

Gault: king bee missed it!

Wright: that means if cookie spells the next word correctly, he wins it.

But it's the exact same situation he was in a year ago,

When he choked.

Crowd: cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!

Victorious.

One more time, please?

Victorious.

Victorious:

V-i...

C...t...

Come on, you know this. Relax.

[Thinking] must picture everyone in underwear.

Everyone but me!

Can't do it! Gonna choke!

He's gonna choke. He's incapable

Of imagining us in our underwear.

[Ding]hey!

Victorious.

V-i-c-t-o-r-i-o-u-s.

Victorious!

[Ding]

Yes! Yeah!

Cookie! Cookie!

He won! Cookie did it!

Yeah!

You can pull your pants up now.

Cookie! Cookie!

You won!

Minty.

Hey, g*ng, over here!