02x01 - New Semester/Electives

[bunniefuu]

Boy: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And I'm...

Boy: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

[Bell rings]

It's a new semester at james k. Polk middle school,

Which means new classes, new students,

And if you didn't do great last semester,

Like me, a fresh new start.

So create a new semester "to do" list.

It sounds corny, but if you write down stuff that you

Really want to get done, you'd be amazed at how much

You can accomplish.

My list is done and I'm ready to get started.

Hang with suzie, get a date with basketball hunk seth,

Spend less time with ned and cookie. Hey!

I really think suzie and I could become good friends

If we had a chance to hang out.

Where's yours?

Do better at science,

Actually read all reading assignments,

Kiss suzie crabgrass?

Hey.

That last one's gonna be tough.

Yes, but it's a new semester, best old pal of mine,

And it's full of new possibilities, new opportunities...

'Sup.

And apparently a new cookie.



'Sup?

Ned: cookie's new semester "to do" list:

Act cool, talk cool,

Dress cool, get respect, date cool ladies.

It's a new semester and a new me.

This whole p. Cookie thing scares me a bit.

Get used to it.

P. Cookie...

Out.

'Sup?

[Sniff]

If we're gonna share a locker, we have to make some changes.

You're moving in to my locker?

Dude!

Hey, man, we got to get started.

We got lunch money stealing, bathroom busting,

Class skipping.

Suzie: william's bullying days are over.

[Brakes screech]

My bullying days are not over.

Yeah, his bullying days are not over.

[Animal growl]

Yeah, my bullying days are over.

Yeah.

Are you sure you don't want to cross "kiss suzie"

Off your list?

No way. Ever since the fourth grade, I told myself

That my first kiss will be with suzie.

Aw. That's actually really sweet.

[Crash]

Wait. You've never been kissed?

Well, there was that one time with you at my party.

Ned, that was your fifth birthday party and my mom

Made me do it.

It doesn't count.

Whoa, that would have broken the old caboose.

Thanks, ned, honey.

That didn't count either.

[Bell rings]

Man, is there anyone in this school that can fill the shoes

Of a tough and imposing presence like loomer?

[Record scratching]

'Sup, man?

'Sup?

'Sup?

'Sup!

'Sup, dude?

'Sup, man.

'Sup! 'Sup! 'Sup!

Ahem! All right, class,

I want this table memorized by the end of the semester.

Heh heh heh.

Start doing the things on

Your new semester "to do" list right away.

The feeling of accomplishment is awesome and it totally

Keeps you going.

"H," hydrogen.

Moze: you're crossing "do better in science" off your to do list?

It's one more element than I knew last semester,

So technically, I am doing better.

How's your new semester "to do" list going?

Terrible.

Suzie's with loomer /.

I haven't had a chance to say hi, let alone hang out with her.

As awkward as this sounds, you and me are both

Fighting for suzie's attention, my friend.

I'm listening.

So I say we team up and we turn loomer back to his bully self.

Suzie will hate it and dump him and then she'll go

To the mall with me, where I'll buy her a smoothie

That she will enjoy so much she will kiss me.

And then hang out with you all day.

I want to hang out with suzie, but I don't want to do

Anything mean.

It's not mean. We're just gonna break them up.

No. I'm not doing it.

Yeah, you are. I don't think so.

You're doing it. [Cough]

[Bell rings]

Ok. I'll do it.

Have you guys seen cookie?

He's not acting like himself, and I'm worried.

Don't. P. Cookie is just a phase.

I'm sure he'll walk through those doors any minute

The same old cookie we know, love, and are sometimes annoyed by.

♪ Who's coolest sweetest baddest of the... ♪

♪ P. Cookie, p. Cookie ♪

♪ Holla! Holla!

♪ P. Cookie

♪ Who walks all tough and dress and acts real cool? ♪

♪ P. Cookie, p. Cookie ♪

♪ What? What?

♪ Who's in charge and slimmer than shady? ♪

♪ P. Cookie, p. Cookie ♪

♪ Holla! Holla!

♪ P. Cookie

♪ Not afraid of hangin' with the eighth grade ladies ♪

♪ P. Cookie, p. Cookie ♪

♪ Go, go, cookie

You can start worrying now.

♪ Go, go, cookie

Now loomer's still nuts about you.

It's scary but true.

So if we get the whole school to think we're all

Boyfriend/girlfriend...

It'll send him into a jealous rage,

Which suzie will hate.

She'll break up with him, and she's ours.

Now let the lovey-doveyness begin.

All right.

Heads together.

Way too freaky. Man, this is weird.

That definitely didn't count.

I thought I saw some tongue.

You did not!

You didn't see tongue.

Thought I saw some tongue.

I'm sorry, but this table is reserved...

As of now.

Cookie: 'sup, z?

Come have a seat with the baddest and coolest boys

Of j.k.p.m.s.

You used to be cool.

Now you're just a bully in fly clothes

Who thinks he's fly but he's not.

Oh!

Boo hoo hoo!

Wow, man. What a loser.

[Ding ding ding]

Hey, ned.

Aah!

Ha ha!

Cross "kiss ned" off our list.

That didn't count.

It was a lemon induced pucker.

Lemon induced puckers do not count.

I know that. Anyway I was thinking about this whole

Break up suzie/loomer thing--

Bigby! Bigby.

Pretend I'm your duffle bag and I won't b*at you

Into a cheese stick.

Deal.

What are you doing?

Suzie's suffocating me.

She's dressing me and buying me shoes

And making me dye her hair...

Which is actually kind of fun.

Don't tell anyone that.

I can't take it anymore.

Loomer, it pains me to say this, it really does,

But break up with her.

That could be more painful than staying with her.

She's got a temper, you know.

What do you think I should do, jennifer?

Yeah, jennifer?

What should he do?

I think--you know, every time I give you guys advice,

And it's great advice created by the superior girl mind,

You ignore it and go to gordy for a man plan and do what he says.

No, no, no.

Wait, you're right.

Go ask gordy. Thanks, moze.

Oh, boy! Ok.

Hey, have you seen billy?

Loomer: no, I haven't seen him.

[Ned coughs]

Hmm. Well, what you need is some manly advice,

Which I will demonstrate with these dolls.

Now every relationship and every woman is different.

For instance, suzie might be the kind of girl who likes

A guy who takes charge, so if you grow even wimpier...

"Do you like my sweater?"

She'll grow tired of you and dump you.

"Ah, I want a real man. I'm dumping you!"

"No! Oh, no!"

Or you could go back to your super bully ways.

"Hey, baby, what's shakin'?"

And she could be repulsed by your leatheriness and dump you.

"I'm repulsed by your leatheriness and hereby dump you."

"Oh, no! No!"

Which one should we do?

Wimpy or bully?

Hmm, tough choice.

So we will do what all great men do when faced

With a tough choice.

We flip a coin.

Heads bully, tails wimpy.

Give me all your lunch money.

Lisa, what are you doing?

Shaking this kid down for his chedda.

It's cool.

I'm cool.

I'm not afraid to use this.

Lisa, what happened to you?

You used to be sweet and nice

And now you're all not being who you are.

Sound familiar?

b*at it, kid.

You're the coolest kid I've ever known

When you're not trying to be cool.

Plus, the bling's too shiny.

Cookie, 'sup!

'Sup!

'Sup?

Sorry, fellas.

Cool days are over.

But who's gonna tell us what to do or what to say?

You guys are smarter than that.

You can think for yourselves.

Think for ourselves?

Yeah. You don't need to follow anyone or repeat

What they say.

Yeah, we don't need to follow anyone or repeat

What they say.

So what do we do now?

I do like the outfit, though.

Hey, suzie and moze.

Loomer wants to talk to you.

Yeah, I want to talk to him, too,

So I can break up with him.

What?

Yeah, I was just telling jennifer that he's way too

Wimpy-washy for me.

I mean, I want a man to take charge once in a while.

Loomer: suzie!

Oh, my gosh, you changed?

For me?

Uh...yeah.

You got a problem with that?

No. I like it.

Now put these in our locker and bring me my nail polish.

No. I'm tough again and you do what I say...

Woman.

No. See, you still do what I say,

But you can keep the jacket. Got it?

Yeah, got it?

You're tough, man.

I'm never gonna get that kiss.

Jennifer told me about your list and how long

You've been waiting for that.

I think it's the sweetest thing I ever heard.

Yeah, it's the sweetest thing she's ever heard.

But I'm going out with loomer right now,

So I'm afraid our love can never be...

For now anyway.

Yeah, you're love can never be!

Whoa! This is gonna take some getting used to.

Later, bigby.

It feels good to check this off my list.

And it feels good being myself again.

Loomer: bigby!

Since I'm a bully again, I'm rescheduling beatings,

And guess who are the first dorks on my list?

Ned and cookie: now I don't feel so good anymore!

I think this is gonna be a great, wonderful,

And weird semester.

Cheese stick?

Ned: get out of the way!

Check this off.

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

Hey, home-roomies, today we're

Trying something brand-new at polk:

Electives day.

All day long you try a different elective.

Then you pick which one you like best.

Won't that be fun?

Ok, so we all promised to take the same elective

Together, right?

Right. Right.

Good. So we're taking...

Wood shop. Cooking. Life science.

And may I recommend my always fun and educational

Life science class...

Which for some reason this semester is greatly

Lacking in boys.

You mean lacking losers with babies.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, well this semester it'll be better than ever.

In fact, I'm calling it "life science extreme."

What's so extreme about it?

Well, I'm working on it, but mark my words,

It will be extreme.

[Bell rings]

I am definitely not taking life science.

I never want to hear that doll cry again.

[Doll crying]

You were supposed to return that last semester.

I didn't want it to get lonely,

So I took it home for the holiday break.

Oh, that's so sweet.

This is a parental matter, so butt out.

Enjoy the last day with the baby, because come seventh period,

We're returning it because we are not taking life science.

Right. Because we're taking wood shop.

[Imitates buzzer]

Come on! I love wood shop

And it'll crush mr. Chopsaw if I don't take it.

Look, last semester, I didn't get the straight as my mom was looking for

Or the straight bs I was looking for.

So I need an easy "a."

I'm thinking cooking.

Cooking? I hate cooking.

But it'll be so easy. Think about it.

We'll get an "a" and we'll get to eat it, too.

You know, you're totally right.

So let's get to wood shop.

You'll love it. Trust me.

This is my last day with the baby.

I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it.

Loomer: so are we.

Ha ha ha!

[Cookie crying]

All right, that's enough!

Remember, wood shop is a demanding

Yet rewarding elective.

So anyone who came in here looking for an easy "a" well,

You can head out the door right now.

Today we're making a planter.

Let's get to work.

Nice job.

Hey, what are you guys doing--whoa!

♪ I called up the wrong line ♪

♪ And they gave me a hard time ♪

♪ Never got an answer

♪ But I didn't have a question

♪ All I wanna be is special ♪

♪ I wanna have a good time

♪ Wanna win a medal

♪ I wanna have a good time

♪ Oh, I got aspirations

♪ And I've had some hesitations ♪

♪ That lacks some directions ♪

♪ Oh, I like to have a good time ♪

My gut and chopsaw's sanded back

Tell me I'm not gonna get an "a" in wood shop.

Fine. Let's try something else...

Besides cooking.

And no life science.

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Why'd you make it so complicated? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ You need kicks, now

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

[Unenthusiastically] ♪ and the light of love will see us through ♪

♪ Full of love

♪ Throughout the day

♪ And the light of love will see us through ♪

♪ Full of love throughout the... ♪

♪ Day!

[Whimpers]

Bravo! Bravo!

[Doll cries]

I'm not a mother, but I'm pretty sure you're not

Supposed to sit on your baby.

Well, it's safer there than out in the open

Where loomer can find it.

Again, I'm pretty sure it isn't.

Hey, coconut head,

You were awesome in choir today.

Amazing.

At least somebody at this table found

An elective to take.

I don't think I'm gonna take it.

I'm getting teased and stuff.

But you sing awesome! Who would tease you?

♪ Oh, oh, oh!

Why do I even ask?

Hey, where's the baby?

Yeah, that little guy's a good time.

We haven't had this much fun since we made

The substitute cry.

Yeah, man!

Well, why don't you sign up for life science extreme?

You can get your own baby.

What's the extreme part again?

I'm working on it.

Stop pressuring me!

Can't we just try life science extreme?

Let me think.

Uh...no.

Didn't you guys do really well in that class last semester?

Yeah, we did get a "b."

We would have gotten an "a," but...

It was ned's idea.

Yeah, I got to admit.

Playing with that baby was pretty fun, and mr. Monroe's

A great teacher.

Anybody else would have flunked us.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yup. We're taking cooking as our elective.

And guess who's teaching it this year.

It's the first time she's teaching a class.

Picture it in your mind: tasty food, lunch lady's lack

Of teaching skills, and an easy "a."

[Ding]

You know, lunch lady teaching a class does seem kind of cool.

Maybe you're right.

I'm telling you, it's the perfect recipe for success.

[Smoke alarm blaring]

So I was wrong.

You kids thought my cooking class was gonna be easy.

You thought you was gonna walk in here and get an easy "a,"

Didn't you?

No. No.no.

Didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty much.

Well, I got news for you.

There's no such thing as an easy "a."

Doing something right takes time and effort.

Now, if you like cooking, it'll be easier for you to

Learn it, but if cooking ain't your thing,

Well, babies, this class is not gonna be a piece of cake.

[Bell rings]

Well, looks like we won't be taking cooking.

And it looks like I have to give the baby back.

I got to give him back, so say good-bye

Because this was yours and my last day with the baby.

Bye, baby.

Bye, baby.

[Crying]

So, what are we taking?

Electives: they're a great class to take, but not always

An easy class to choose, so use these tips.

If you're good at it, take it, even if it means you can't

Hang with your friends.

And if you love it, but you're afraid people might make fun

Of you for it, take it anyway because someday soon they'll

Be cheering for you.

And if you're like me and you can't find an elective that

You totally love or are great at, you can't go wrong

With choosing an elective with a great teacher.

Welcome to life science extreme, and I would like to

Welcome our new families and pass our their babies.

Now before we get started...

Are there any questions about life science extreme?

All: what is so extreme about it?

Ok, we're only going to do this once,

But then it's back to normal life science, ok?

Oh, my!