02x02 - Pep Rallies/Lunch

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And I'm...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

[Captioning made possible by u.s. Department of education]

Ned: pep rallies: some kids are into them...

Cheerleaders: we got pep, yes, we do!

We got pep, how about you?

Ned: and some are not.

That would be a no.

Woo! Woo! Woo!

So if you're full of school spirit,

Try your best to spread the pep.

Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Ned?

Nope. Wolfie. Beloved school mascot and purveyor of pep.

It's my job to get everyone fired up for today's pep rally.

Loomer! Are you excited for today's pep rally?

I hate pep rallies.

Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Well, I love them!

Woo!

Since when?

Since I found out wolfie gets to cut class all day

Just for spreading pep and saying "woo!"

Well, I hate to sound unpeppy,

But you look totally ridiculous.

You said it, moze.

What?

The cape's kind of long.

All the better to fly with.

Because at today's pep rally,

Super cookie-- that's me--

Jumps off a mini trampoline,

Flies feet in the air,

And closes off this semester's pep rally

With a monster slamma jamma.

You mean you're gonna k*ll yourself.

We all said last semester's pep rally was lame,

So this time I'm spicing it up with my own kind of pep.

Yeah, but how did you get

Missy "I'm head cheerleader and I own the pep rally" meany

To approve of the slamma jamma?

Easy.

I went over her head.

Cook's slamma jamma idea totally reeks.

We can't let the pep rally be run by geeks.

The pep rally could use some spicing up,

But it does sound dangerous.

Right. He'll break his legs, arms, ribs and cheeks.

If he misses that slam, he'll miss your gym class for weeks.

In that case...

The slamma jamma is on!

And stop all your rhyming. It's annoying.

Good luck, cook.

[Thud]

The pep rally is gonna rock.

Go, wolves! Go, wolves! Go, wolves!

I'm really starting to wonder why I hang out with you guys.

Do I smell lack of pep?

I'm just bummed because as co-captain of the volleyball team,

I have to give a peppy speech.

Like I gave at the last rally. Remember?

Nope. It put me to sleep.

[Thud]

Why does everyone whack wolfie?

I want to give a great speech,

Something that will really get the crowd pumped for volleyball.

Any tips?

If you need help giving your speech extreme peposity,

Try brainstorming ideas with your friends.

Get together with the other captains,

Share some ideas, and make sure your speech brings the pep to the people.

That's a great idea. I'll see you guys at lunch.

[Thud]

I'm telling you, lose the cape.

Woo!

But how are you gonna do that from a trampoline

That's feet away?

With this.

The most powerful super cookie launching system

Ever assembled.

Behold the nitro-tramp !

What's the for?

I have no idea.

In fact, I'm not really sure what the nitro's for either.

But these are the same springs the astronauts use.

What do they use them for?

I've told you too much already.

All right, let's do this.

Hang on there, super cookie.

First we need to test drive this baby

With the help of an adult volunteer. Anyone?

Just me? Ok.

Now, look, I'm doing this for reasons.

One, I don't want you to get hurt

And ...

I made it, so I get to go first.

All right, now, it is very important

To align the trampoline in such a manner

That you do not overshoot the basket,

Thus ensuring the perfect slamma jamma!

I'm ok!

I think I need to loosen up those springs a touch.

And I think I need to spend more time enjoying the fact

That I don't have to go to class all day.

We are the wolves, and we rock.

So let's hear it for the wolves.

Trust me. Pep rally crowds love speeches that rhyme.

But that didn't rhyme.

It didn't?

You're the girls basketball team captain, right?

Yes, I am.

And you're giving hopefully a crowd pumping speech

Like me, too, right?

Yes, I am.

So let's kick around some speech ideas

And see what we come up with.

Yes, I am.

I just remembered you moved here from paraguay

And don't speak english.

Woo?

Woo! Woo!

So come out and see our volleyball team.

You're gonna like it when we come out and spike it.

I got nothing.

Both: at least it rhymes.

It stinks!

I hate my speech.

It's not that it's bad,

It's just...it's the same thing at every pep rally.

Coconut head: "come see our team. You're not on it,

But we're great. We rock!"

What about the kids in the stands who rock?

Teams aren't the only ones here who deserve a cheer.

Our math team didn't lose one match last year,

But we didn't get one cheer either.

Our chess team won regionals, and we don't get a cheer.

Or cheerleaders.

As vice president, I drafted a number of great pep rally ideas

That included everyone: best spirit awards, teacher tricycle races.

Ned: hey, these are cool.

What happened?

We've got spirit, we've got game.

But these ideas are totally lame.

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Missy's cheers hurt me so.

Man, I really thought we were gonna make this rally great this time.

We were making it great...for us.

But not for everyone else,

Which is who this rally is really for.

[Thud]

[Thud]

[Thud]

[Thud]

I got it. I got it. I got it.

I need your help. I need your help.

And I need some laser lights, a fog machine,

And a hydraulic lift.

This really is gonna be the best pep rally ever!

Go, wolves! Go, wolves!

Go, wolves! Wooo!

We are the wolves and we rock.

So let's all hear it for the wolves...awk!

Whoa!

Oh, yeah!

[Stomping]

Dude, we stepped in something outside,

And we can't get it off.

We're the home of the wolves, there's no doubt about it!

We're the home of the wolves, let's hear you shout it!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

[Scattered lackluster applause]

You guys are lucky to have us.

We're rhyming our butts off for you.

I'd like to see one of you come up here

And try to get you pepless saps going.

Ned: go, missy! Go, missy! Go, missy!

Go, missy! Go, missy!

Go, missy! Go, missy!

Go, missy! Go, missy! Go, missy!

Go, missy! Go, missy!

Go, missy!

There's a lot to cheer about here at polk,

And our sports teams are only part of it.

This is the home of the wolves,

So let's hear it for all the wolves out there.

Crowd, lackluster: woo!

[Whispers] let's hear it for the math team.

Let's hear it for the math team.

Crowd, lackluster: woo!

And the chess team.

And the chess team.

Crowd, louder: woo!

And the drama club.

Crowd: woo!

And the sewing club!

Crowd, enthusiastically: wooo!

And our future leaders...

Woo!

The teachers...

Wooo!

And the goth kids!

Crowd, screaming: wooo!

And if you get a chance, come out and see your wolf volleyball team.

You're gonna like it when we spike it.

[Cricket chirping]

Woo.

Woo.

Now who wants to see

Super cookie's extreme monster slamma damma ding dong?

[Crowd cheering]

Hey!

Man, this pep rally stinks.

[Thud]

Now what do we do?

I've got some ideas that will make this rally great...

With your permission, of course.

Ned: whether you're the home of the wolves, the tigers,

Or the slugs,

Make sure you include everyone in your pep rally.

Get the teachers involved, too.

Give out awards for best dressed and most school spirited.

And get a local business to donate a half court prize.

A school pep rally is great when everyone's involved.

If only I could try just one more time...

Without the cape.

I know I can do it.

Yeah, why not, geek?

[Boing]

[Bell rings]

Suzie, want to eat lunch together?

Thanks, but I'm gonna skip lunch today

To finish some homework.

Sorry. Bye.

This whole suzie best friend thing is a floppity-flop.

Every time I ask her to eat lunch with me, she says no.

So guess I'm stuck with you guys.

Hey! Hey!

Just kidding.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, I am.

[Mouthing words]

You buying lunch today?

Nope. 'Cause I've got this.

A super-deluxe triple decker

Extreme ham turkey and ham sandwich...

With extra ham!

Ham!

That is awesome. Mind if I have one bite?

Ham.

Come on, just one bite. It's a masterpiece.

Well, what's one bite?

[Crunch]

On second thought, maybe I am buying lunch.

Lunch is a great time of day,

And with a few tips, you can make it even better.

Now, you won't like everything the school is serving...

Pork butt?

Oh, no!

Pork butt?

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

So check out the menu on the main office bulletin board

Or your school's web site.

If you don't like what the school is serving,

Bring lunch from home.

Leftover kumquat stew again?

Ohh!

And if mom's leftovers aren't doing it for you,

Try trading.

I've got kumquats! Kumquat stew.

What do we got to trade?

Peaches? We got peaches.

Seafood, let me see the food, boys and girls.

Ooh, the beans are talking so loud today.

Your cat's gonna be ok.

Good luck at yale, genius.

Girl, you're about to come into some money.

Lisa, what are you doing back there?

I'm on the lunch program.

I work here and then I get lunch for free.

It's for families that's having a hard time

Making ends meet.

And, sweetie, if you work for something,

Then it's not for free.

Cool.

Ooh, cookie. In your future,

I see you getting creamed, mashed, and crushed.

What?

Ooh, and black-eyed, too.

Next! Come on, baby.

It's in the beans.

What happened to you guys?

"One bite" happened.

That's the kid who ate my sandwich.

One-bite is the perfect eating machine.

He used to devour food in the second lunch shift,

But this semester, he's in ours.

Ned: really? We're just gonna have to do something about that.

You have a plan?

Of course. I just haven't thought of it yet.

That's weird. Suzie said she was skipping lunch today.

Excuse me, cafeteria worker girl.

You missed a spot.

By the way, I think it's great

That you're totally not embarrassed

To be seen working in the cafeteria.

Thanks.

Oh, and suzie, lunch lady--

Oh, I just remembered, I got to go. Bye.

What's her problem?

Aaah!

You look, uh, not good.

It's lunch lady's predictions.

She said I'd get black-eyed and creamed.

Don't forget crushed and mashed.

Not helping.

I'm a dead man.

Her predictions don't always come true, do they?

Well, she once told me I'd spend the day feeling trashy.

And she told ned he was gonna have a ball one time.

Yeah, but what about that one time she said

I was gonna get hit by an ape man swinging on a vine

And get cheese puffs everywhere?

Oh, yeah, that came true, too.

[Crying] I'm gonna die.

You're overreacting.

Lunch lady's predictions could mean anything.

And freaking about it will only make it worse.

Tomorrow is a brand-new day,

And I'm sure you will forget all about it.

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

Good morning.

He didn't forget all about it.

There's no way I can get hurt now.

[Crash]

Ouch.

So see you at lunch, right? Yeah.

Hey, suzie, about lunch today...

Oh, I got to run. Sorry. Let's talk later.

Don't look at me.

She left her book at lunch and I gave it back,

And that's all I got to say about the subject.

[Bell rings]

Hurry up. It's taco day.

I want to b*at...

The rush.

Tacos!

Come on!

No! You go on without me!

But you'll be mashed.

Save yourself. Ok.

When there's something good for lunch, like tacos,

They may run out,

So get there early and buy for your friends

Who couldn't b*at the rush.

Should I even ask?

Cookie's eating under the table for maximum security.

Cookie: the predictions are coming true.

So far, I've been crushed and mashed.

Only because you wore that suit of armor.

If you didn't worry about it, you'd be fine right now.

But don't worry. I've provided this cutout

So that you can still enjoy my company.

You have officially lost your mind.

Talk to the cutout, please.

Excuse me. Cafeteria worker girl, you missed a spot...again.

You're very good at this.

You should work in the cafeteria full-time.

Lunch program kids can only work for minutes

Times a week.

At least, that's what I heard.

One-bite!

I've got a tip to b*at one-bite.

Eat all of your food really, really fast before he gets here,

And then there's nothing for him to one-bite.

Go!

Eat some! Eat some!

[Burp]

Ok, so eating really fast to defeat one-bite

Wasn't one of my better tips.

Ohh, my stomach's in knots.

[Belches]

That's because you slammed down your tacos.

You're lucky they weren't too spicy,

Or you'd never want to eat again.

Trust me!

I think I know how to stop one-bite.

Ohh!

I can't condone this, but inside that cabinet

Is every spicy food known to man.

Including some known only to dolphins.

Let's do it.

Curry, wasabi, chili powder.

It's a virtual u.n. Of spicy food.

Yeah, boutros boutros spicy.

Now, do not add the extreme habanero hot sauce

Until the last minute.

It is the most volatile of all the spices,

But it will make the sandwich soggy and unappealing.

I could use some of this back at the ranch.

Hey. Jennifer, hey.

Um, I wanted to have lunch today,

But I got slammed with a project, so--

Sure. No problem.

Actually, I was wondering.

I saw you talking with lunch lady

And you knew all about the lunch program.

Are you supposed to be in it?

Me? No way.

'Cause I was. In elementary school.

My dad was between jobs and it helped.

Anyway, catch you later.

Wait.

I'm supposed to be in it,

But, you know, I guess I thought

That being a kid on the lunch program wasn't very cool.

I know we're not great friends,

So this probably won't mean much,

But to me and a lot of other kids

You'd be a lot cooler if you got behind that counter.

But if you don't, my mom goofed and packed me two sandwiches,

So if you want one...

One-bite!

Now, this nozzle rinses the trays,

But be careful because they also use it to put out fires in highrises.

You think you can handle it?

I can handle it.

I can handle it, too.

Oh! Take it.

[Crying]

[Water spraying]

Hey, lunch girl, you missed a spot.

Suzie? You're in the lunch program?

Yeah. Is there a problem?

Well, it's just we hang out

And the whole thing just seems so dirty.

Well, let me clean that for you.

[Screams]

You missed a spot.

Great sandwich.

Give me one bite.

No. Don't. Stop. Here.

[Crunch]

[Train whistle blows]

[Sirens blaring]

Aaah!

I'm never gonna take one bite of anything ever again!

[Cheering]

Well, no more one-bite, but we don't have any lunch today.

Cookie: I thought I'd be dead by now,

So I didn't bring any lunch money.

You guys don't have any food? Have some of ours.

Have some of my creamed corn.

I traded for mashed potatoes smothered in crushed pepper.

And my mom made black-eyed peas.

One last tip. If you or a friend forgets to bring their lunch

Or lunch money,

Make an instant pot luck meal and share with friends.

Wait. Creamed, mashed, crushed, black-eyed.

See? I told you you overreacted.

I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!

Cookie, you better be careful.

There's danger in those peas.

Nuh-uh. I'm never gonna overreact to any of your predictions ever again.

It wasn't a prediction, smarty pants.

You spilled habanero hot sauce in your peas.

[Train whistle blowing]

[Sirens wailing]